Once upon a time a nice, Jewish, 37 year old,
divorced, non-smoking girl, her two children and her furry-tailed
friend lived in wonder bread land (ok, make it challah) <a.k a. Ventura
County, California>.
Oy! This latke eating lass, consumed pints of
applesauce without a kosher kompanion (not that she is kosher, but it was
too good to pass up the alliteration).
...And so the story goes, she logs
into AOL, confused, and was shamelessly washed out to 'internet sea' amongst
the hordes of "desperately seeking..." personals, alone...with
'mere' mouse in hand. "Help!" she cried as the blue screen of
death once again left her fraught with despair as it disconnected her
only link to happiness. "Port-allocation error be damned!"
Perhaps a mouse-minding Mensch could reboot her into AOL bliss once more?
Either that, or coffee and a bagel would be nice. That is, of course, if
he knew how to ask like a gentleman.
But seriously folks! .....
Laughter is a major part of my life, along with my 7 and 10 year old kids.
I like to exercise, go to movies, dine out, and I like to see plays.
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I'm
seeking a man with holes in his jeans, sleeps in a
cardboard box (ocean view preferred), has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2
eyebrows, and various other assorted appendages. This Mensch would pride
himself on his penniless-status while boasting a sense of humor that would fit
nicely
on the head of a pin.
But if I can't find my IDEAL mate, I'll
settle for:
a career-oriented, honest gentleman, intelligent, loves to laugh, go
dancing, not afraid of life and who loves animals. This responsible partner who
loves kids as much as I do and has all his teeth and hair
(alright...almost all). <smile>
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What does Chelsea Rose do for a living besides
practicing her twisted wit on
unsuspecting potential suitors?
She is a
full-time mom (otherwise referred to as Chauffeur to Deserving Minors
Sporting the Same Last Name as Moi). When not in transit, she
may be found correcting spelling tests in her daughter's
classroom, volunteering to make Thanksgiving baskets for SOVA, sorting
mis-matched socks or pouring Alpo. Her spare time is spent choosing
the ultimate produce in order to whip up gourmet fare in the hopes that
she may one day have someone to practice on (word of caution - keep
those take-out menus within arm's reach)
Anyone willing to save
these
Palmolive hands from total ruin?
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What I've learned out there in the
big bad world of cyber-dating....
I've learned a few things on my
sometimes exhaustive, yet always enlightening, journey through
cyber-dating. Guys, I know, no one likes to be categorized....but
for the sake of saving bandwidth and hurt feelings (which is never my
intent), I thought I should share some insights I have
gained.
Before you hit that send
key, please see if you can remotely identify with the
following (if you want the bottom
line, skip to photo section below) :
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Intelligence:
I know what alliteration
means and I can prove it.
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Location: So what if I need a Cessna
to meet you for coffee? Details...schmetails.
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Relocation:
(as defined by Webster's Dictionary inaugural Chelsea Rose edition)
A move
requiring the reapplication of Coppertone to exposed areas requiring
UV protection
<in other words, that's about as far as she is likely
to move>.
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Jewishness: I know what
"Mensch" means and I can actually spell it (realizing if
I have to ask her the definition, my chances have diminished
ten-fold). So what if my
mother is Catholic, my
Dad is Buddhist, it's never too late to get circumcised, is it? (
--ooooh, that smarts!)
-
i is a good student:
i have actually mastered
the fine art of the use of spell-check, i have fully accepted and
maximized usage of the capital form of the word "i" on a
regular basis. i'm net-savvy enough to know that TYPING IN ALL
CAPITALS equates to screaming in one's ear, and the piece-de-resistance
......drum roll please........., i realize that
i am answering your "ad" not your "add". (Oscar
winner for the most misused word in Chelsea's email box.)
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Etiquette/Netiquette:
I'm the kind of guy that
opens car doors, fully understands the implications of trying to
impress a women (flowers, chocolates, honest flattery) and am
gentlemanly enough to know that asking to be added to a buddy-list via
email before blatantly sending an instant-message, really earns brownie points.
(Busy Mom's rarely have the time or luxury for online chatting, I might add, or was
that ad? <grin>)
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Age:
I understand I fit within
your requested age guidelines of 35-50. I understand these criteria are not chiseled in stone nor even
written in permanent ink. Men whose pre-Bar Mitzvah vocal chords rival Donny Osmond's
in bell bottoms, men who haven't quite shaved that pesky peach-fuzz ridden upper lip yet, and men who
(after much contemplation) ascertain they could be Chelsea
Rose's father (do the math), REALLY don't quite fit the bill.
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Husbands:
...OF OTHERS, that is. I understand that as I have already taken vows with
another of the female species, I require written permission from my
beloved in holy matrimony (or not so beloved as the case may be),
accompanied by certification of a successfully completed lobotomy by
my physician, in order to even contemplate proceeding further.
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Children:
I believe one of my most attractive qualifications
is my expertise in the voluntary diaper changing arena which
I've mastered at some time during my existence. I agree with
Chelsea Rose that this skill builds great
character in men
(not to mention strong nostrils) - (Don't worry
Chelsea Rose's kids graduated successfully from the school of potty
training. Future diaper Olympics are open for discussion).
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Communication Skills:
Reading, writing and
understanding the English language goes a long way to impress this
Chelsea Rose, especially I am hoping for a coherent reply. (Yes!
Chelsea Rose has
actually received messages in French, Spanish and Portuguese...thank
goodness for universal translators). Other replies suspected to be in
the form of English have been sent out to the lab for conclusive
results (stay tuned).
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Marriage proposals
received in the
very first email will only be considered by Chelsea Rose from heterosexual men who can
explain what antidisestablishmentarianism means AND who reside
in Panama at least 3 months out of the year (Bill Gates and Brad
Pitt excluded as well as those who can get Elvis to perform, or AT LEAST
attend the wedding). <Wedding? Did someone say WEDDING? YIKES!>
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The Art of Making a
Good Impression:
The use of vital
statistics in the first line of an email response substantially increases the
yawn-factor which may cause lock-jaw thus decreasing Chelsea Rose's
enthusiasm. (To rectify this situation see next item regarding the
Photograph Enthusiasm Building Campaign. Mysteriously, most men are left out of the loop on this one.)
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Photos: The
offering of a flattering
photograph (or actually sending one without being asked...<what a
concept!>) which *clearly* shows the whites of my eyes <you do
have both of them don't you?>, boasts all of my front teeth, and
wasn't taken 10 years ago or in a police line-up earns me the grand prize.
(Why do men
insist on posing with sports cars, Harley motorcycles, dogs, bare chests
(we won't discuss the rest), hats, sunglasses, or with their faces obscured deeply in the shadows? Must be the
"Men in Black" Syndrome) Silhouettes behind door #1 may
never get called by Chuck Woolery (or was that Bob
Barker?) <sheesh, his age is showing>. And please, let us not EVEN discuss the
blatant display of chests
(with or without that
"hint" of hair)
bearing gold chains to rival Aladdin in your "waaaay-chic"
floral Hawaiian attire. News Flash!!! I understand
all manner of excuses regarding the LACK
of this carefully crafted enpixelated likeness of me will no doubt be
sternly reprimanded with a wet noodle (which could have been more
productively put to use in your mom's kugel.) Kinko's generously
offers to help those of us who are digitally & photographically
challenged and who reside in a scanner-free environment. -- IN OTHER WORDS --
SEND
PHOTOS, SEND PHOTOS, SEND PHOTOS. (Did she say...send photos?)
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Sex:
Yes, Sex. There
it is. Out in the open. As a typical man (the two-legged variety) my mind
races as I think of the elusive, yet incredibly desirable
possibilities. As I represent the epitome of dignified men who grace
the earth, naturally, I completely understand the sensitive nature of
timing, (the when AND the where) to broach this enticing topic and
...right about now (in my first email, that is) ...isn't it.
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Phone Numbers:
In a
race between the antiquated technology provided by Ma Bell and the
cool, groovy, keen, neato, slick, bitchin', new-wave, high-tech world
of instant messaging...word has it that Chelsea prefers the old
standard. (The cordial offering of a local phone number is
graciously appreciated along with best times to be reached.)
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Success!
Creativity, the display of
intelligence and decorum, and above all a man who can make Chelsea
Rose laugh,
is by FAR the best way to catch Chelsea Rose's attention and perhaps win
her heart
(of course living in her hemisphere doesn't hurt.) YES! I am interested in really becoming part of a loving family, being pampered
by a partner who is ready to share her life, I actually
DO like dogs and don't mind take-out food.
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Have we run screaming from the room yet?
<wink> Do the items above characterize you??
Well? What are you waiting for? Might we have a chance to bring each other
eternal bliss <violins please!> (or at least a laugh at Starbucks?
OK,
OK, you can, stop twisting my arm, Spago's will work too) Go on....take the chance and drop me a line and a photo. If you make me
laugh, you might run the risk of never getting rid of
me (also known as " the toilet
paper stuck to the shoe syndrome.")
(Psssst! Does anyone
know if she is really this blunt and overbearing in real
life?
Naaaahhh, but I hear her chicken soup will rival your Bubbe's!)
© Copyright 2006, Chelsea Rose Introductions
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