EXPLANATIONS FOR COHABITING*

"As a foundation for family life and raising children, marriage is better than its fast-growing
alternatives. It is our society's most important institution for bringing up children, for
fostering high parental investment in children, and for helping men and women
find a common life of mutual affection, care, and sexual intimacy."
- Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation, 1995.

Most reasons couples cohabit can be summarized into one or more of the following:

 Anti-Marriage Sentiments - deliberately seeking an alternative to traditional
      marriage believing it to be "repressive," "irrelevant" and saying "we're not trapped
      by marriage" or "a marriage license is only a piece of paper" or "it gives us more
      freedom to come and go" (Sweet & Bumpass 1992 and Rindfuss);

 Authority Decline - lower confidence in the guidance of religious and social
      institutions (Nicole & Baldwin 1995; Thornton, Axinn & Hill 1992);

 Avoidance - They have experienced first hand the devestating effects divorce
       has had upon their parents and family and want to aviod it happening
       in their own lives at all costs.

 Conformity to social pressure. "Everyone else is doing it." "Something must
      be wrong with you if you're not interested in living together";

 Convenience - it's easier for two to live, transportation, shopping, etc.;
      "the relationship is easier to give up if it's not a legal one";

 Commitment - fear of or disbelief in long-term commitments (Nichole & Baldwin
      1995; and Bumpass, Sweet & Cherlin 1991);

 Compatibility - those who have seen their parents or relatives get divorced, feel
     that living together is a test of their relationship or trial period allowing them to learn
     what they can about their partner so that the best choice can be made, and divorce
     avoided - "until you share a bedroom with someone, you don't really know them
     well and what all their habits may be" (Nicole and Baldwin 1995; and Bumpass
     1990);

 Economics - a desire for economic security or independence.  This is the second
      most common reason people give for living together.(1)  It's cheaper for two
      to live together than one; "why pay for two apartments when we can share one?"
      or  (2) "it isn't penalized by welfare (meaning: TANF [Temporary Assistance to
      Needy Families] grants [which have replaced AFDC]) — in fact, it's encouraged,
      so why not?" (Schoen & Owens 1992)  (3) Many senior citizens cohabit because
      of tax disincentives to marry and for inheritance reasons.  (4) Some 21 million married
      working couples pay an extra $1,400 in federal income taxes on average, for being
      married compared to couples who have the same income, but cohabit rather than
      marry. A single person pays a 15% tax on income up to $25,350. So a cohabiting
      couple can earn up to $50,00 and remain in the 15% bracket. But a married couple
      is in the 15% bracket only if their combined income is under $42,350. They must
      pay a 28% tax on all earnings about that amount. Also, the standard decuction of a
      single person is $4,250, but a joint return can claim only $7,100, rather than double
      the $4,250, or $8,500 (McManus, 1999). (5) In third word countries, cohabitation is
      especially prevalent. Marriage is a major financial outlay that many people can not afford.

Escape Problems or Failure - it's easier to run from difficulties and go to a ‘safe'
      place where they may feel more ‘loved' and appreciated. The felt pressures comes
      from various sources: expectations from parents, school grades, job and career, or
      even friends;

 Expectations - hope of establishing a more permanent relationship or the
      expectation of increasing the chance for marriage;

 Fear of rejection or losing their partner if they don't or say that "divorce hurts,
      so if we don't get married, we can't get divorced";

 Lack of Moral Conscience - couples feel they are doing nothing wrong by living
      together. "It doesn't hurt anyone." No account is given to the moral standards of
      scripture;

 Lack of Understanding of What Real Love Is. With so many brought up in
      broken homes there are no models to pattern their own lives after. They believe
      love is an act rather than a commitment. Sex education is taught without morals
      or standards;

 Marriage "Insurance" - "it is preventive maintenance" and "screens out
      undesirable mates before saying ‘I do.'" It's a desire to avoid divorce
      (Clarkberg, Stolzenberg & Waite 1995; Lillard, Bien and Waite 1995). This is
      the number one reason couples give for living together today. They have come
      from the broken homes of the earlier  (divorce) generation and want to do
      everything possible to avoid doing the same.  In other words, they are doing
      the wrong thing for the right reason and trying to get it right!;

 Pressure from their partner by feeling they owe them some sort of allegiance
      or are obligated to stay and/or have sex with them or else they will break up
      with them;

 Rebellion/Independence - going against authority and what is commonly
      accepted behavior. "I know this will really upset my parents and I'm glad!"
      (Thomson & Colella 1992 and Bumpass, Sweet & Cherlin 1991);

 Rite of Passage into adulthood. It's an expected stage of personal development;

 Romance - being "starry-eyed"; idealizing about what being together would be
      like then wake up to realize that what they thought would be moonlight and roses
      is now daylight and dishes;

 Sex for its own pleasure and readily available. Sexual relationships begin earlier.
      (Popenoe & Whitehead 1999);

 Stability for raising children. 40% of cohabitants have children at home
       (Wu 1995; Bumpass, Sweet & Cherlin 1991; and Manning & Lichte 1996);

 Value Change regarding the family and the institution of marriage
      (Clarkberg, Stolzenberg & Waite 1995 and Parker 1990);

 Various Rationalizations - "we're going to be married anyhow" or "what can it
      hurt?" or "most marriages break up anyhow" or "it didn't work for my parents and
      it messed up everyone's lives" or "we're different; we're really in love; it won't
      happen to us; everyone's doing it."

• M oving too fast ("blinded by love"),
• Uncommitted attitudes (wait-and-see),
• Family disapproval (impermanence),
• Uncharted territory (no unspoken rules or codes of behavior).

*From "Shacking Up: the Smart Girls Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned" by Stacy & Wynne Whitman (sisters)
2003, pp. 16-20 Broadway Books.

"The very heart of intimacy is reached when two people are neither afraid nor ashamed of
being possessed by love, when in fact they give themselves freely to the pure
joy and liberty of owning and being owned"
- Mike Manson

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