"The truth is that wherever a man lies with a woman,
there, whether they like it or not, a transcendental relation is set
up between them which must be eternally enjoyed or eternally endured."
C. S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters
There are a number of reasons
given today for living together, most of which are based on current popular
myths. Several of the most common myths of the day
are:
Myth #One:
"Everybody's Doing It!" First, Everybody is not "doing it." Statistics show that of
the college-age people, 65 to 80 percent are sexually active and some of
those are living together (Marco 1997). Johnson (1996) estimates 30 to 40
percent of college students cohabit during their time at college. Although
this is a large number, this also indicates that somewhere between 20 and
35 percent are not sexually active and somewhere around 60 to 70 percent
of students do not cohabit. Therefore, to say "everybody's doing it," is
a myth and does not hold up as a valid justification for
cohabiting.
Second, A 1994
poll by ICR Survey Research Group for USA Weekend asked more than 1,200 teens
and adults what they thought of "several high profile athletes (who) are
saying in public that they have abstained from sex before marriage and are
telling teens to do the same." Seventy-two percent of the 12 to 17 year-olds
and 78 percent of the adults said that they agree with the pro-abstinence
message. Moreover, 44 percent of those under the age of 18 said, "today's
teenagers hear too little about saying no to sex." (Tom McNichol, "Sex Can
Wait," USA Weekend, March 25-227, 1994, pp.
4-6.)
Third, In a recent
statement by the Catholic Bishops of Pensylvania they said, "just because
everyone does something doesn't make it right or any less serious. A couple's
choice to live together is not simply made in isolation. It affects everyone
in relationship with these two people - parents, brothers, sisters, friends,
and even other members of the parish. A cohabiting couple implicitly communicates
that there is nothing wrong breaking God's law. This can be especially misleading
to young children - nieces, nephews, and children of friends - who are
impressionable and whose moral reasoning is
immature."
Myth #Two:
"Economically It's Worth It To Live Together." --First, it is cheaper for two to live together. However, whatever
monetary or other savings are realized from making the choice to living together
is also the price at which one will compromise, lose or sell out one's moral
standards, virginity, and purity.
--Second, economical advantages don't in themselves determine whether
something is morally right or wrong.
--Third, the majority of cohabitants do eventually break up
and economics are obviously not an overwhelming impediment then, so why allow
it to become a controlling factor from the start. The moral questions ought
to be, "What is my virginity worth" and "Will I save myself for my lifelong
spouse?" Kevin Leman in Smart Kids, Stupid Choices says, "it's kind of like
giving someone a million dollars and later finding out you gave it to the
wrong person, but now he's gone and so is your money. Gone for good.
You don't have it anymore. And the person who should have had it will now
never get it."
A 2005 study, published in the Journal of Marriage and the
Family (Smock) looked at the relationship between economic uncertainty
and relationship conflict.Researchers interviewed 115 young adults in the
vicinity of Toledo, Ohio, who were cohabiting or had recently cohabited,
and found that among cohabitors financial uncertainty and a lack of money
were associated with relationship conflict and the lack of a “sense
of a stable future," thus inhibiting the decision to
marry.
In a recent statement
by the Catholic Bishops of Pensylvania they said, sure, you
might save the price of monthly rent, but you're sacrificing something more
valuable. Engagement is more than just time to plan the party. It is a time
for deeper discussion and more thorough reflection, which are best carried
out in a detached way. Couples who are living together do not have the luxury
of such detachment. So whatever expenses you save, you'll likely pay more
in the end.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
said it well in an article on cohabitation: "short-term savings are less
important than investing in a lifetime relationship."
A study published in the
Journal of Marriage and Family (Wilmoth 2002) of 9,137 retired individuals
looks at the relationship between marital status and wealth. It found that
cohabitors who never marry have 78 percent less wealth than the continuously
married, and cohabitors who have been divorced or widowed once have 68 percent
less wealth. Cohabitors who have been divorced or widowed twice are not
significantly different from the continuously married group.
Myth #Three:
"Living Together Before Marriage Increases Your Chances of
Having a Happy Marriage Later."
You "test drive a car" before you buy it, so why not do the
same with your lifelong relationships. Another one that is heard often is
"you try on a pair of shoes to see if they fit before you buy them, why not
your spouse." Someone has said, when you test drive a car you don't pack
your personal luggage in the trunk or when you try on a pair of new shoes
you don't want everyone else's foot odor and fungus already in them. You
can throw away shoes without hurting anyone, but you can't throw away a person
without hurting them and possibly others. The great paradox is that research
indicates just the opposite of this conventional ‘wisdom'. Numerous
studies (see "Reasons" below) have shown that couples who have lived together
before marriage are more likely to disagree on things like recreation, household
chores and finances and are more likely to seek counseling than couples who
do not
cohabit.
Commentator Andrew Greeley (1991)
states, "There is no support for the folk wisdom that premarital sex of one
variety or another is a preparation for marital
happiness."
A study (Kamp
Duch 2003) of 306 married individuals between the ages of 19 and 40 who had
married between 1981 and 1997 and 1,119 married individuals who were married
between 1964 and 1980, looked at the relationship between marital quality
and conflict and cohabiting for cohabitors of two different age cohorts.
It found that respondents married between 1981 and 1997 as well as for those
married between 1964 and 1980, those who cohabited before marriage reported
less marital happiness and greater marital conflict than those who did not
cohabit.
Myth #Four:
"Doing It Won't Hurt Anyone."
Marco (1997) lists several statistics for college age people, including the
facts that 63% of all STDs happen to people less than 25 and more than 20%
of all persons with AIDS are college age. Many people are permanently hurt,
either emotionally or physically, or both. Even those not directly involved
such as your friends and parents may get hurt. Sin is like throwing a pebble
in a pond, it involves only the pebble and the water, but it sends ripples
across the entire pond. Sin is never solitary. One's philosophy of life is
like the controlling formula of a spreadsheet where a change of one cell
affects the entire outcome at the end. Man sometimes lives as though one
single behavior or event is an isolated cell that doesn't affect another;
but it does. When one part is changed, it changes the whole of
it.
Myth #Five:
"It's Nobody's Business."
It is said that "living together has much in common with marriage except
for the legal imposition of the church and state" However, there are birth,
health and disease issues that arise as a consequence of cohabiting which
do very much become the responsibility and expense of society. The church
is a vital part of society and as such, has the responsibility to uphold
that which is the best for society. If the couple wants to be married in
the church, then it does become church business.
The church itself also has the
responsibility to uphold scriptural standards of purity, which is its business.
We are admonished in scripture and have the responsibility to speak the truth
in love (Eph. 4:15). Also, churches help launch and keep lasting marriages.
Frequent church attenders have lower divorce rates because they are exposed
to teaching and instruction on marital success and because the church body
lends support and accountability to couples (Mattox 1997).
"The Church is particularly concerned
about cohabitation because the practice is so common today and because, in
the long run, it is causing great unhappiness for families in the Church.
This is true, above all, because - even though society may approve of the
practice - cohabitation simply cannot be squared with God's plan for marriage.
This may be why most couples who live together before marriage find married
life difficult to sustain for very long. The Church does not invent laws.
It passes on and interprets what God has revealed through the ages. No one
in the Church has the right to change what Jesus has taught. To do so would
be to deprive people of saving truths that were meant for all time. Our Christian
faith teaches that a sexual relationship belongs only in marriage. Sex outside
of marriage shows disrespect for the institution of marriage, the sacredness
of sex, and human dignity" (Bishops of
Pennsylvania).
Myth #Six:
"It's All-Right Because We're Really In Love!" --First, love can never be a reason for premarital sex; rather, it
is one of the greatest reasons to avoid premarital sex (Martin & Myers
1996). True love would never seek the spiritual downfall of another (Rom.
13:10). The scripture says that love is patient and kind; it does not seek
to please itself, nor does it delight in evil, but is always hopeful (1Cor.
13). Therefore, true love is patient in waiting for the proper time for sex.
It is kind to future spouses by not pre-harming marital intimacy. True love
would be unselfish in placing God's will and the needs of others above self.
It would not delight in the evil of disobedience, nor would it force another
to disobey God (Martin & Myers 1996).
--Second, the ‘feelings
of love' are tricky. Jim Long in Campus Life (February 1986) states, "Love
can fool you. Your feelings can trick you. The line between love and infatuation
is thin. And frankly, sex confuses everything. To be physically involved
clouds the issue. It makes you feel closer than you really are. It makes
you feel as if you are actually in love. Maybe so. Maybe not."
--Third, living together is a form of prostitution and love. Dunagan
(1993), for example, explains the Greek word rendered 'fornication' is 'porneia',
which also means prostitution, and 'porne' was the word for prostitute. God
choose these words to describe and label any sexual activity outside of marriage.
(1 Cor. 7:9; Matt. 19:9). Fornication is essentially the love that is bought
or sold, which is not love at all. The person with whom such 'love' (lust)
is gratified is not really considered a person at all, but as a thing. He
or she is a mere instrument through which the demands of lust and passion
are satisfied. God is letting us know, to call such 'love' is
false.
Myth #Seven:
"But We're Going To Be Married Anyway."
This is presumptuous, naive, and wishful thinking. There is often one person
in the relationship who doesn't think in terms of a permanent, lifelong
relationship. The lingering question is: "If one gives in to moral temptation
before marriage, what's going to be different and prevent them from repeating
the behavior once the honeymoon is
over?"
Myth #Eight:
"The Bible Doesn't Teach That a Civil or Religious Ceremony Must Be Performed
For Marriage to Be Valid In God's Eye, So Why Have One?"
The institution of marriage was first created and ordained of God (Gen. 2)
and all marriages are still blessings ordained by Him in order that two may
become one. It is evident that in biblical times there was a contractual
agreement, perhaps verbal, signifying marriage. The parables of "The Wedding
Garment" (Matt. 22:11-14) and The Ten Virgins" (Mt. 25:1-13) indicate that
marriage took place at a given time and place. The scripture says "Give to
Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's" (Mt. 22:21; Mk. 12:17
& Lk. 20:25). The government (the ‘Caesar' of our day) requires
that we must have a marriage license in order to be legally recognized. Since
a marriage ceremony is a civil requirement, we are obligated as law abiding
citizens and Christians to observe
it.
Myth #Nine:
"It'll Enhance My Self-Esteem and Inner Security."
Marco (1997) provides a quote which he believes best sums up what the studies
show: "I slept with many, many people trying to find love, to find self-worth.
And the more people I slept with the less self-worth I had." It makes sense
he says, when you give yourself as "pieces" to a lot of people, you are no
longer whole, and as a consequence, may actually feel less self-worth and
inner security -- because part(s) of you is (are)
missing.
Myth #Ten:"The Bible is Silent
on the Subject."
A common myth heard often is that there is nothing in the Bible condemning
a couple for having physical relations prior to marriage.1 Corinthians 7:2
says, "but, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and
let each woman have her own husband." Dunagan (1993) explains, 'Fornication'
is unlawful sexual activity of any kind. In this verse Paul places the marriage
relationship in contrast to fornication. Fornication can be avoided when
you have your own spouse. Therefore, 'fornication-unlawful sexual activity'
exists in a relationship in which a man and woman are physically intimate,
and yet not married. And the Bible is very clear regarding the consequences
of fornication (1 Cor. 6:9; Gal. 5:19-21; Rev. 21:8; Heb.13:4). In addition,
Paul informs those that don't have the self-control to live the single life,
to marry. (1 Cor.
7:9).
Myth #Eleven:
"The Marriage License Is Only a Piece of Paper, and it Doesn't Automatically
Make Two People Committed to Each Other."
It won't make me love you more." "We are already committed to each other,
we don't need a piece of paper to prove it." Dunagan (1993) presents the
other side of the argument: "If there's no difference in your relationship,
what's wrong with adding one more symbol to your total commitment?" Evidently,
marriage consists of more than just a piece of paper. After all, Dunagan
says, who raises strong objections over 'just a piece of paper'? Who has
ever objected to buying a ring (or anything nice) just to prove their love?
OR, 'We're committed to each other, we love each other, we don't need to
sleep together to prove that we love each other'; OR, 'I love you . . . really
committed to you, but not for a lifetime'; OR, ‘I love you, but not
enough to want you to be my wife'; OR, ‘ I love you, but not enough
to want to wear your last name"; I love you, but not enough to vow such love
before God, family and friends'; OR ,‘I love you, but not enough to
enter into a relationship that brings you honor, respect and preserves your
dignity".
Myth #Twelve:
"Cohabitation, marriage and divorce is, can be, or should be, just another
lifestyle choice, a purely personal relationship created by and for the
couple."
This is the "most powerful and dangerous myth," according to Waite and Gallagher
(2000:6) because it goes to the heart of the issue. There is an increasing
tendancy today to view marriage not as objective fact, but a subjective emotion
- an inner feeling rather than an outer relationship. We have been duped
into thinking that cohabitation, marriage and divorce is primarily for and
about adult happiness. We evaluate our relationship primarily according to
how well it satisfies my own personal need (Cherlin
1992:71).
In a recent statement by the Catholic
Bishops of Pensylvania they said, sex is intensely private and personal,
but it also has deep moral and social dimensions. Sex works as a primary
bonding agent in families and the family is the building block of society.
Sexual rights and wrongs influence the health and happiness of individuals,
families and neighborhoods. That's why sexual behavior has always been the
subject of many civil laws. The Church, of course, wishes to safeguard the
family and society. But, more than that, the Church wishes to safeguard your
relationship with your future spouse and with God. Sex is the act that seals
and renews the couple's marriage covenant before God. Sexual sins, then,
are not just between a man and a woman, but between the couple and God. And
that's the Church's responsibility. Sex is not simply a private matter. If
it's between you and God, it's between you and the Church. You need to ask
yourself: "When do I stop being a Christian? When I close the bedroom door?
When does my relationship with God cease to matter?"
Myth #Thirteen:
"What we do with our own bodies does not affect our relationship with
each other or our spiritual relationship with God."
Again, the Catholic Bishops of Pensylvania offer good advice: the gift of
your body in sexual intercourse is a profound symbol of the giving of your
whole self. In making love, the husband and wife are saying to one another
in "body language" what they said to each other at the altar on their wedding
day: "I am yours, for life!" God created sex to be physically pleasurable
and emotionally fulfilling. But it is even greater than all that. It is,
above all, the deepest sign of the complete gift of self that a husband and
wife pledge to each other. This mutual gift empowers the couple to become
co-creators with God in giving life to a new person, a baby. According to
God's design, the gift of sexual union has two primary purposes: strengthening
married love and sharing that love with children.
The only "place" where this total
self-giving between a man and a woman is to take place is in marriage. It
is the only "place" where children can be raised with the secure, committed
love of a mother and a father. So sexual intimacy belongs only in marriage.
Outside of marriage, sex is a lie. The action says: "I give you my whole
self" - but the man and woman are really holding back their commitment, their
fertility, and their relationship with God. Before giving your body to another
person, you need to give your whole life, and you need to receive your spouse's
whole life in return - and that can only happen in marriage.
Myth#Fourteen:
"We can have sex together and not become involved, even on an emotional
level."
Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony, who has heard this numerous times says,
"we know from our own studies that sexual involvement prior to a committed
relationship of two persons who have vowed to remain faithful to each other
for a lifetime always turns out to be
problematical. When you get
sexually involved with another person, you become highly dependent on them.
You become deeply involved at the most profound levels of your being. It
is as though your psyche, your soul, your body, becomes totally interrelated
with the other person's psyche, soul, and body, such that the two of you
really are bonded on the most fundamental level
possible." As soon as there
is sexual involvement prior to marriage, the decision to get married becomes
a foregone conclusion. "In other words, the sexual bonding caused them to
assume that the decision about getting married had already been made. I believe
that sexual bonding often takes place far before intercourse," says Dr.
Warren.
"The monstrosity
of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are
trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds
of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.
The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual
pleasure, any more than the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not
isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought
to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by
chewing things and spitting them out again." – C. S. Lewis, Mere
Christianity
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