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The Richards Bend Journal
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This Until the Hepatica Bloom
October 27, 2001 - Late Feburary/Early March
Page 19
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Listening to: Thin Red Line
January 6
got to get a hold myself here; been having some real problems with my thinking. i feel bitter these last few days... there's a person with whom i am angry and i have been for some time now... doesn't treat other people well, especially me. i can't bring myself to be disrespectful back at him, so it causes me to wonder why i can't fight fire with fire... it hits me in my "self esteem"... the fellow really ought to be knocked on his little ass, but as i have it figured, life itself will mule-kick him without my help, that is, if he continues down the track he's going... He mistakenly thinks he smarter, bigger and more important than everybody else, and from my view, it just aint so. when the err of his ways does come around to take its chunk, he's not going to understand it, and he'll probably just wash it away as a stroke of bad luck. In the mean time, it's me who's got to deal with it - and I have a problem dealing with such things. I don't process things like this very well.
Fifteen years ago, i was training to the Olympics - I was a very good competitor, the best not only in Kentucky, but all of the surrounding states. There was a community of racers in my hometown, and they all liked and respected me... but one year, this person came along, and for some reason, chose to tear me down behind my back, and he eventually won over the entire community of racers, and i was kind of outcasted - and this, on no misfunction of my own, other than I was stronger and faster than anybody else - and this, my friends, i never understood and it broke my heart. A year later, i went on to qualify for the Olympic trials and i dern near qualified for the games themselves - i stayed focused, and while it hurt that the others were swayed by this other person, i had to realize, my goals were already in place, regardless of who liked me and who didn't. And it is the same thing as this person now - I just really don't understand this kind of behavior, and it causes me to wonder if i do it wrong -
To win, is there a limit to what should be done? To be the best, it is acceptable to impugn the competition IN ALL AREAS? Even if to hold them in totally unrelated bad light? Even to make things up? For me, healthy competition is healthy - but if i can't beat you head-to-head in the areas of our mutual interest, i will not, or can not resort to attacks in other, unrelated areas. This is what i consider to be unhealthy competition. And I have no tools for these kinds of attacks against me.
It causes me to be irritable with the population in general.
January 7
indeed, farawayfriend, i think what i said is right... i need to be brave - i keep getting stuck... i want to move forward, but i keep getting stuck; wondering if this really is the right thing to be doing - and what if it just doesn't work out, living at the place - i still have a lot to do before the hepatica bloom, and i may not get it all done yet, but i have a hell of a lot less to do now, than when i started - in fact, comparatively, very little is left to do - aaa, but it seems, the hardest thing to get done, which i hadn't counted on, is actually letting go... letting go of the way things are, and moving on to what i had planned; and the lump that won't quiet go down is the packing on my Sons room - I just can't quiet go in there, and take down his posters, and box-up his books, even though, i know they belong with me, at the cabin - i am frightened... I have planned to pack, move these things into storage and leave this place - drift and wonder until i finish the cabin - stay near the office for a couple of months - cut the ties - and i just can't seem to do it, even after i've given the landlord a notice.
i am frightened by the what if it isn't what i thought it would be - or the wondering i might not actually have the mind to make it as good as it has been in my dreams. What would i do then? And for now, I am not here - i am not there... I am not sure where I am, and it's driving me crazy - do i go on - do i stay and if i stay, why? Is there a Corriopsis Moon? Dear?
I need somebody to tell me to be brave
I need somebody to tell me to be brave
Take a deep breath.
Move on out on your dream.
It is time to go.
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