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The Richards Bend Journal
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This Until the Hepatica Bloom
October 27, 2001 - Late Feburary/Early March
Page 29
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Listening to: Hans Zimmer
February 11
driving down the highway - hours - hours... what trees stand on the flat table lands, i can see beech standing in groves close enough to have been planted... the young ones still bearing light brown leaves, and i've been here before... i remember this stand of trees - two hundred fifty miles from here to home and i remember this stand of trees - like the way some stand up against a winter sky - straight - straight - gray wood - so gray the color should become the wood and the wood should become the color; for an instant you understand gray for something other than a color - and the place the sage grass grows on the forest floor - and a gnarly little stream where the till caves in to the low lands, and zooming by you spot an old tattered log laying, rotting there in the afternoon - and you hear a snap in your brain; it's that old thing where you'd be perfectly happy if this were the entire Universe - just this, what you see this instant seems no less a universe or stream; you couldn't explore either in what time time has given you - and the pains - the heart aches - so you explore from where it comes and you end up wondering why it matters to you - what, about things without physical manifestations cause you to feel anything at all? The way things are, they hurt - they stir down inside where you don't understand the injury - you don't understand what it is that should hurt... you understand why nature wired you to feel the pain of a fall; for the preservation of bones - so you don't do that again or to the point you couldn't survive - but the heart see, what preservation do these pains see to? Or these quiet, physically unmanifested antagonisms, what grand natural purpose do they serve? Does the Universe care if I love my Son? Is Nature cruel, giving us the ability to feel pain in the spirit? I do not often understand. The tattered log rotting in the crooked little stream is beautiful to my eyes - beech standing over blue stem where blue stem shouldn't be standing - or wood so gray gray should be wood and not color - it all flows from the same place - or that my artisan - my poet - my life-force flow from the place, indefensible - it is not now, nor ever has it been from cold hard stones i live my life - but from these places - but from these places which were born to me so that i may love my Son the way i do, and i know then - only then that the meaning of life can often outmean the meaning of live - and you're left with the sense, though you don't know how, that life is more than life - and you embrace the suffering - you embrace the suffering because you know it flows from the one place - perhaps the only place that makes us human beings. And then, when you see the gray wood sometimes, there comes the sense, you suddenly realize that we are not just human beings, but we are the Universe - the same way the wood is gray, gray is wood. And this, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing more tangible than love.
February 13
the Moon of the Old Snow is up and visible - i saw it at sun set, near the sun - a thin as a thread - and only after it had gotten dark enough... it was very thin. I hadn't seen a calendar - so i wasn't sure it was new - a long new foras to be visible yet - but i could feel it should be new and old enough to come in - so i watched the western sky at dusk - and it appeared... it wouldn't have been visible yesterday at dusk - too new. It wouldn't have been visible during the day either - too new... so i suppose i saw the moon within about five minutes, or even less, of it even being visible at all - strange how it all works - and i'll watch this one until the hepatica bloom... for sure.
February 14
Took some modern physics in college... minor in physics - and i've read almost everything there is to read on it... i took the classes cause i liked the subject - got the career in geology because it seemed more natural... physics doesn't seems natural to me... longandtheshortofit - it seems to be a lifeless, logical heartless science to me. Went far enough into it to realize, not only is it feelingless, but the deeper you go, the more meaning you loose. I stay in Lexington some nights - go to the book store, listen to music and eat one of them fancy Italian sandwiches. i read new magazines - tonight, popular science - about time travel - the physical possibilities; and this, i do know something about - at least the math and physics of the theories... Quantum physics has revealed that travel forward and probably even backward in time is possible in some very special circumstances - like rotating, ringed black holes in space... these things exist within the mathematics that Einstein found - and, so the theory goes, they must exist in reality within an infinite nature - look far enough, look wide enough and you're sure to find just the right species of back hole, you can coast right through and pop out the other side, somewhere else and whenelse. The theories never appealed to me - again, given an infinite nature and given an infinite future, something somewhere and somewhen will eventually find one of these things, fly through it and come back out at some point in their own past at a place in space convenient to interfere with itself - and I DO NOT LIKE THIS - doesn't matter though - Quantum theory and relativity say it's probably correct. But i honestly do not believe it - i don't think nature would allow such a violation of conservation to exist within itself... Whether or not i believe it, doesn't matter - i know for sure that we human beings will not achieve engineered time travel... Cause given an infinite nature and given an infinite future, if it were possible, we would do it - out there, in the future somewhere - which means we'd be visiting ourselves by now, in the past - in fact, given an infinite future, we'd be visiting ourselves right now - and further, given enough time, the technology, if at all possible, would leak back in time by way of the technology itself - making it unnecessary to even be talking about it's possible discovery - if it were possible, we would have always had it - and there is no other logic - that's it.
Modern physics is cold and hard - nothing human. I eventually had to stop studying it, because it was ruining my life - the deep studies of it caused me to live a non-feeling life somehow and i am not a non-feeling human being... i do, however, think about it from time to time... like tonight, spending a couple of hours reading an article in popular science about how we will eventually discover time travel - which is horse hockey - by my logic, if it were possible to discover, it's discovery would result in it's existence since the beginning of time, because we would certainly travel back to then with the discovery in our hands.
- -
i've not spoken to Jon Boy in a couple of days... i can't say how much i miss him. I just can't say. i can't think of anything that could hurt more than this. i am very very tired. i can't say as i've ever been more exhausted; so i half thought i'd not write for a few days - cause there are things i don't want to say, and ways i don't want to seem... but then, sometimes, when i so tired, i say more than i should and i'm glad of it - i feel deeper - probably less clearly, but it doesn't feel that way. i am frightened... I am not sure of what - i think i feel lonely - I am not sure at all; perhaps i've been lonely all this time, and just never knew it, mistaking my desire for companionship for a weakness... toss out the notions as fast as the enter my mind - i don't trust... i don't want to be loved the way i've been loved in the past - i don't want your problems added to my own - your short comings added to my own - i don't want to feel love for you - i don't want to feel need for you, only to have it invalided somehow, once, even by accident - i don't want to feel foolish because of it, nor to I want to feel out of control of my own heart and mind - i don't want you in there, making decisions - i don't want to feel disappointed by you, nor do i want to disappoint you. But i want to love someone - I want someone to love me; i just don't know how to love and be loved without loosing what i have - my sanctuary - my security, but most of all, my self respect, and my dignity - Because, till now, whenever i've loved or been loved, it was at the expense of my dignity... And you can't tell me i'm wrong, because you don't know what it was like for me - i'm a smart man; i know what my experiences are - and these are my experiences - i'm not sure if won't let you near me - to love me, as much as i'm not sure i know how. And the craziness is, sometimes, when i'm sitting by the fire at richards bend, at night, in the dark woods, i half expect you to come walking up the old road, and it will seem as if we've known each other forever, and it will be perfect - and there will be happily ever after - and this damaged, hardened heart will be healed at the mere sight and touch of you. And so i must believe myself to be, at least, hopelessly romantic - hopelessly hopeful. But as a man, i know where the stars are. I know where the center of the Earth is - but this is hardly enough, i know, to live a rich, lovefilled and meaningful life. I suppose I am beginning to believe, this may be as good as it gets - But then, new moons are difficult - especially the February. Some mornings i wake... sometimes I expect things in my heart will have changed in my sleep - and i'll find i'm able to love again - suddenly.
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