COSMICBEN’S RECORD REVIEWS

Because if I said this stuff out loud, you'd zone out pretty quickly.

Stuff That's Not Me

Music review pages that aren't eye-burningly green, and a few other sites...

Wilson and Alroy's Record Reviews--This is my favorite site on the internet.  It's gotten kind of boring lately, as has been pointed out in other links pages -- it's mostly Wilson now, and he's filling out a bunch of obscure discographies rather than taking on anything new and exciting.  But that shouldn't detract from the thrill of coming across this site for the first time -- I, for one, had never seen music criticism that wasn't bogged down by wordiness and endless hip references that are out to impress rather than inform.  Instead, you have two smart guys who love rock music and excel at getting to the core of what makes an album worth buying or not.  While Rolling Stone-type reviews concentrate on lyrics and image, Wilson and Alroy actually concentrate on the music -- you know, the reason we love the stuff in the first place.  The reviews are short -- too short for some tastes, with possible good reason -- but you always get a good idea of what they think about a given album.  There's also humor in their reviews, if you're into the subtler things in life.  With record collections numbering in the thousands and a relentless pro-consumer attitude, their credibility factor is also through the roof.  My only real complaint is that they have one of the best musical soapboxes on the internet, and for the most part, they totally waste it, going on the logic that if you can't say it in the context of a one-paragraph album review, it's not worth saying (there's an essay page, but it's been updated once in the past few years).  To my mind, that's a waste, and I wish they'd speak out on issues more diverse than how impressively decent Iron Maiden's fifth album was.  Still, this is the place to start if you want to put your present and future CD collections into critical context.

Mark's Record Reviews--Mark Prindle is semi-retired now, but while he was active, he was the best writer reviewing music on the internet.  His reviews are zany stream-of-consciousness rants that sometimes even deal with the album at hand, and he has an incredibly easygoing, readable style, no matter how many semi-words and obscenities are sprinkled throughout.  He also pioneered the interactive review site, and almost every Prindle review is followed by dozens of comments from rabid fans of whatever band he's taking on.  My advice is to pay attention to Rich Bunnell and Ben Greenstein (and George Starostin, but he's moved on to bigger and better things)-- at least, that's what I do -- and ignore most of the other commenters.  Also, there are tons of pages from guest writers, although I usually skip to Prindle's reader comments  (with the exceptions of the three gentlemen I mentioned before, of course).  Two unorthodox points: one, I think Prindle's critical facility has been underrated, mostly because he's seen as "the funny one."  The truth is that there is a serious tone underneath all of his reviews, and he's really trying to figure out how good the albums are.  The fullly reviewed discographies for each band he reviews is just one indicator of his committment to more than just being wacky.  Secondly, he's revered as some sort of web-reviewing saint, presumably because he copies and pastes reader comments -- but from my armchair, I don't see him caring about the rest of us too much, as evidenced by the fact that barely anyone else is really addressed by name on his site, even longtime guest reviewers.  Apparently, he sees my point, because he quoted my old site "review" at the top of his page: "The vibe one gets is that this site is run for the benefit and self-satisfaction of Mark Prindle and Mark Prindle alone, and while we're all obviously welcome to share in the fun, it doesn't seem like he cares that much."  Think about it!  Still, this is one of the best sites out there, and in Mark's retirement, Rich Bunnell is doing a bang-up job taking care of things -- check it out.

Creative Noise--Brian Burks runs the best "mortal" reviewing site on the net (not being Wilson and Alroy or Mark Prindle), with gazillions of rapid-fire opinions forming the basis for his reviews of scads of bands.  The diversity is startling, ranging from his beloved power-pop to sixties icons like the Beatles to punk and country music (!?!).  But the main drawing point of the site is his opinions: he hits on tons of subjects, often slipped non-sequiter-ish-ly into random reviews, and he's startlingly accurate, often making me think about why I like certain things in music and life.  This sometimes leads to offensiveness (and it often seems like he hasn't really examined the things he blasts), but when he likes something, he makes sure you realize it--his impassioned gushing over the Replacements, the Clash, and Big Star led me to check out what are now some of my favorite bands.  He doesn't do it sloppily either: his writing style is direct and sometimes even poetic, with an intriguing steam-of-consciousness-ish style that I find myself aping way too often.  There are a few drawbacks: he hardly updates the site anymore (it's been a month since the last review), and sometimes he comes way too close to subconscious plagiarism of Wilson and Alroy--but that's only in a few places, and I subconsciously pilfer their style all the time.  Besides, it's nice to see someone else do W&A-style reviews (and rate their site higher than any other), rather than the legions of drooling Prindle fanatics out there.  Brian's not afraid to say what he thinks, which makes this site infinitely interesting, entertaining, and informative; add that to the fact that, like me, he's a college student (him Grad, me Undergrad) just trying to write and write and write until he collapses and some intrigued editor catches him, and you have one of my favorite sites on the internet.

Bryan's Reviews Page--(This site hasn't been updated in forever, and it's really a shell of what it used to be.  But like most people, I hope Bryan gets back to reviewing eventually, so I'm leaving this up).  Rounding out the triumverate of second-generation reviewers, Bryan's Reviews Page is one of the more entertaining review sites out there.  Bryan (last name unknown) is one of the friendliest people I've encountered on the net, and it shows in his reviews: they're humble and upbeat, and very fun to read.  My only gripe (that seems to be shared) is the format of the page: it's hard to find old reviews because he archives them in a strange way.  I guess that might add to the quirkiness and charm of the site, though.  Plus, I wish he'd tackle full discographies rather than just single albums, simply because I'd love to know what he has to say about certain records.  Bryan's site is also very diverse, covering music, books, computer games, web pages, and pretty much everything else you can think of, and there's some cool subtle humor in his links and reviews.  And he linked to my site without even having met me, which I find pretty damn spiffy.  Check it out, as every one of his reviews, and especially his insightful essays, make for a very entertaining read.

Music Junkies Anonymous--Nick Karn is probably the first person to say that Back In Black is only an "ehh" album, and that attitude is prevalent at his site: his reviews are unpretentious and not at all influenced by the hype out there.  He's also great at describing individual songs, and his writing is comprehensive and informative.  His site is super-interactive, with reviews from a few other people (and you if you're interested), including, of course, jack-of-all-reviewing-trades Mr. Rich Bunnell.  There are a lot of heavy metal reviews, which don't interest me at all, but in the context of 600 or so reviews, that's not much to complain about.  Nick's done a great job, and you should go check his site out.

Disclaimer Music Review Archive--Run by my good friend Chris Willie Williams and his friend Jenny, this is one of my favorite reviewing sites.  The reviews are short and clear, and Willie gets his point across without seeming pretentious in the least.  There's a bias towards new music, which sometimes strikes me as anti-hype (A's are given out pretty liberally, but a couple of classic rock usual suspects get blatantly low grades).  Man, I hope this isn't offensive -- Willie's one of the nicest people I've ever come across.....I'm just trying to make this well-rounded.  Basically, it's nice to read someone that I can really relate to, and his considerable writing talent makes it enjoyable too.

John McFerrin's Rock And Prog Reviews--Another third-generation site, for those of you keeping track; John covers lots of mainstream bands like Yes, the Who, and Led Zeppelin in an amazingly thorough and intelligent manner.  His prose has loosened up as time's gone on, and his opinions are very worthy.  Plus, he gives Roger Daltrey the best compliment I've ever heard, considering how generally maligned our favorite yowler is.  A very nice site; give it a look.

Steve & Abe's Record Reviews -- I hate to say it, but I am envious of Steve Knowlton's talent.  This is the best new site I've come across for a long time; if it lacks the size and verve of the biggest sites, it posesses a conversational tone and sharp analytical quality that frequently surpasses the big sites in terms of sheer reviewing quality.  Basically, I wish my writing was as breezy and readable as Steve's, and that my critical skills were as well honed.  Plus, he reviews the entire Beatles catalogue in terms of Ringo's drumming.  How the hell cool is that?  Run, don't walk, and certainly don't skip, over to Steve's site.  (Abe is his baby son, who gives each album a "squirm factor", which is really cute)

Music Box Record Reviews -- A good site!  Phil Armstrong uses an interesting format, and his reviews are short but detailed.  He's not afraid to castrate some sacred cows -- I wish he'd lighten up on The Joshua Tree, but at least he doesn't bash "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" like so many anti-hypesters do.  The best part is his versatility: rock reviews sit comfortably with Missy Elliot and plenty of R&B performers.  I can't wait to see this site grow, and his reviews will likely get even cooler as time goes on.

Rock is Dead-Long Live Rock--So screamed Roger Daltrey, and so writes Marco Ursi, one of the more promising web reviewers to pop up lately.  He takes time to think about what makes an album unique in rock history, or just in a given artist's catalogue, and while he writes about individual songs, those aren't the focal points of the reviews.  Plus, he's entertaining, with a cool sense of humor.  Check his site out and watch it grow!
PS  Marco doesn't update a lot, but he's grown into one of my favorite reviewing personalities.  Once again, check out his site.

Martin Teller's Homepage--A small site--that's relative, by the way, since it's already bigger than mine--but there's some really interesting stuff inside.  Martin shows extraordinary personality for a web reviewer, and he's not afraid to bash a classic album if he thinks it's boring (Abbey Road, anyone?).  This page seems to be growing in leaps and bounds, so check it frequently as he goes through this 2000-album (!) collection.

The Frank Zappa Review Page--Have you ever seen a Frank Zappa album on sale for less than 15 bucks?  There, that's my flimsy excuse for being completely unfamiliar with the works of rock's wackiest genius.  Luckily for us all, Dan Rose shelled out the pounds and became a worthy critic of our man Zappa.  On his page, he offers 15 reviews (more to come, I'm sure) of Zappa albums--from what I've read, only a small chunk of the man's output, but a solid start.  His prose is sometimes clunky, but he still manages to get to the heart of the albums and songs he's writing about: a bunch of insightful sentences that just need to be tied together a bit better.  Plus, there's a hilarious picture of Dan, Frank, and lots of alcohol that just has to be seen.  Check it out!

Leonard's Lair--I have to admit that I'm unfamiliar with most of the albums reviewed on Jonathan Leonard's site, but he hits a lot of modern bands and 80's mainstays with insightful analysis and clever turns of phrase that make his reviews very enjoyable.  Each review is a small paragraph long, but he manages to sum up each album very well.  I look forward to him tackling more classic bands in the future.  Step into his lair if you dare!

Pitchforkmedia--Run by a bunch of snotty, holier-than-thou reviewers, this site covers a lot of bands I've never heard of, with reviews that make dozens of references to bands I have heard of.  They're great writers, though, and their obvious musical knowledge almost matches their pretensions.  You'll be provoked, but entertained, and sometimes even mad when you realize that what they're saying is pretty damn close to being right.  And I'm glad someone finally had the balls to completely slam talentless poseurs like Nine Inch Nails.  I wouldn't necessarily want to be these guys, but I sure would like to be able to write as well as they do.  Worth a look.  UPDATE: They seem to have adopted a "If you've heard of it, it's not worth reviewing" policy, thereby bringing their pretentions to even greater heights.  Read at your own risk, although it's probably entertaining anyway.

And some non-music sites...

Proof That A Blonde Can Make A Homepage--My one and only.  She doesn't update too much, and I wish she'd include something about herself (and me, of course), but when she does update, you know it's gonna be interesting and thought-provoking.

Experiment In Terror--This guy maintains the CosmicBen Fan Club site.  What more do I need to say?

Tony Spinelli -- I haven't heard his music, but Tony seems to be a nice guy and I bet he's well worth hearing.  Check him out!

The Andrew Hicks World Wide Web Extravaganza--One college student's massive tribute to his own sense of humor; how can you not love it? How can I not be inspired by it?  Andrew Hicks is one of the funniest guys this side of Bob Saget, and the kicker is that he's a lot like me: unpopular, afraid of people, sarcastic, a journalism major, a critic, a bit overweight, bad with girls....shall I go on?  Two big differences is that he has true wit (a sharp, timely sense of humor, as opposed to my penchant for "groan humor") and he's damn prolific, pumping out a huge journal entry every few days, along with various critiques and parodies.  Sometimes the humor is hit and miss, but when he hits (which is often), it's hilarious, and his writing also conveys a true sense of who he is, which is important if you want to care about what he says.  Basically, he's a smart, funny guy who "gets" life and can't understand why dumb people run everything.  He's also my idol of the moment, and has inspired my new journal and rash of reviews, along with my writing style--I can't seem to shake the habit of writing exactly like the last person I read, but he's a better choice than most.  Surf on over to his extravaganza, but be prepared to spend hours there like I have.

The Simpsons Archive--The Simpsons is the funniest, most intelligent show I've ever seen, and this is the best source for show info on the internet.  The archive is the home to lists, news, FAQs, and zillions of other little tidbits, but the centerpiece is the Episode Capsule section.  There, you'll find a near-complete script for every episode, along with animation goofs, reviews, background information for jokes and references, and basically anything else you can think of, all painstakingly compiled by fans.  Despite FOX's third reich-type tactics perpetrated on the show's internet fanbase (shutting down every site they could find that had simpsons WAV files--come on...), this site perserveres and remains a loving tribute to everyone's favorite four-fingered family.  If you want, you can download all of the capsules and end up with an indespensible library of reading material that's almost as funny as watching the show itself.  Highly reccomended.

You said *what* about my site??  E-mail me!

CosmicBen's Record Reviews--A phenomenal site, this is--oh wait, never mind.