KELSEY DESCRIBES HER LOVE FOR ANNA

Kelsey Wrote This Letter To Anna

On December 6, 1996

My Dearest Little Anna,

I can't believe that it's almost your due date--how I looked forward to being fat and sassy right now! Everyone in my office was looking forward to it, too, because they think I'm skinny. But, alas, my porking-out was not meant to be. Instead, your Dad and I will be able to celebrate your 3 month birthday on my due date! I think that you're the smallest (cutest) 3 month old in the history of babies. You are truly a miracle.

Your Dad and I tried so hard to have children for so many years. When we found out that you were growing inside me we were over the moon with happiness. We were down at Grandpa's house for a visit--I was at the end of an infertility cycle and I didn't need any more shots, so I could be away from the doctors for a few days. I had brought with me a home pregnancy kit but didn't think that I would need it. But, by Saturday night I started to suspect I might be pregnant. I didn't tell anyone and decided that I would try the test the following morning (Sunday). I woke up at 5 a.m. and it was still dark outside. I went into the bathroom off the guest room and shut the door so as not to wake up Craig. After doing the test, I had to wait 3 minutes for the results. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I knew that I couldn't keep handling the disappointment month after month and that my chances were almost over. I was looking out the window of the bathroom and my heart was pounding. I finally looked at the test and saw a faint line indicating that I was pregnant. I kept staring at it in disbelief. Finally, I went into the bedroom, turned on a light, climbed into bed and told Craig that I was pregnant. We were so excited. It was Easter morning and I truly felt blessed by God.

I didn't know it was you in there, Anna, but I loved you already. You were such a joy to Craig and I during my pregnancy. We were overwhelmed with love for you; however, this love ended up being only a fraction of the actual love we would eventually feel for you. Daddy used to talk to you while you were still inside me. He would say: "Hey, come on out and play." Unfortunately, you did come out and play a little too early! We were distraught after we found out that there was a problem. We had loved YOU--the baby inside me--for so many months that we couldn't imagine not having you. After I had been admitted to the hospital, but before you were born, I had to receive anesthesia for the surgery. I remember looking down at my belly and crying because I kept thinking that you were too small, you were just too small.

Your father and I were not sure if you would even make it through that first night. They took me in to see you (into the NICU)--I was still on a hospital bed. You were under the bili lights and looked so beautiful. You looked just like you had in the sonograms, only prettier. YOU WERE SO SMALL! The days that followed were the scariest in our lives. But, each doctor or nurse that we talked to said that you were "feisty --a real fighter" (your dad thinks you get that from me). I couldn't believe how much you fought. Not one poke or needle stick would go by when you didn't put up quite a fuss. Your situation was, however, very tenuous. The doctors warned us that you were hanging on only by the grace of God. Boy did we believe it.

We prayed constantly--telling God how lucky we were for every single moment of your life. How blessed we were to have known such a special little girl. We told Him that no matter what happened, we had been changed for the better by just touching you and seeing what a fighter you were--you gave us a special kind of peace for our souls, one that we had never felt before. We would marvel at how much we loved you. I remember telling Craig one night that there was no way that my Mom loved me as much as I loved you. But, I was laughing because I knew that Grammie loved me just as much.

Some day, my dear, when you have a son or daughter, you will know this almost crushing love for another person. It brings tears to my eyes to hold you, I love you that much. My boss wanted to know how I could go in and hold you without smothering you with kisses. I told her it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wanted to eat you up--your little fingers and toes were soooooooooo cute!

Anna, my love, you are a special person. Everything that makes up you is special. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Now go to bed.

Love, Mom

In response to Kelsey's letter, her Mother (Anna's Grammie Sheila) further elaborated on the special nature of maternal love:

My Darling-

Your letter to Anna has put in perspective what is and always will be important. The heart-swelling love, the incredible joy, the overwhelming need to "make things right" for all time, to be the guardian against any pain or anguish touching our Babies. That never goes away, my Darling. I would sustain the pain and leave only the good if it were within my power. Not very realistic, but certainly heartfelt. "Love" sometimes seems an inadequate word to express what happens to our hearts and souls when we are given it's gift. Mine continues to grow, and I hope, will always provide for you the shelter and peace of knowing that it will always be there.

Mom

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