Episode 313

L.A. Intro
Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The State! Starring... Kevin Allison! Michael Ian Black! Ben Garant! Todd Holoubek! Michael Patrick Jann! Kerri Kenney! Thomas Lennon! Joe Lo Truglio! Ken Marino! Michael Showalter! And the Weekly Wack-up with David Wain! Featuring Scotty John and the Bad Boys! And now, keep your hands and feet inside the car, hold on to your funny bone, and put down that twinkie! Here they are: The State!

James Dixon: Jedi Talent Agent
James Dixon (Tom): (on phone) Stewart's doin' fine.

I left my job at the William Morris Agency and since then I had a string of pretty bad jobs and I didn't really have any direction-

(on phone) Hang on one second.

And that's when Obi Wan, my mentor, fenagled me into going to the decopage system to complete my agent training and study with Yoda. The Jedi master who instructed him.

You see, there's a force that surrounds every object in the universe, including the entertainment industry.

You don't need to see his screenplay!

Kevin: We don't need to see his screen play.

Dixon: You want to give him a five picture deal.

Kevin: We want to give him a five picture deal.

Dixon: Heh heh heh.

Kevin and Joe: Heh heh heh

Dixon: You want to get me a fishwich.

Joe: Can I get you a fishwich?

Dixon: Sure, if you want, I guess...uh...heh heh heh.

David Lutz: Playwright (David): Being represented by a Jedi master has really helped my career. I mean, I'm not even a model, per se, but I signed with Dixon, and two days later, I got this whole line of ads for Speedo!

(shot of David's Speedo ads)

Dixon: Pete, trust your instincts. Feel the force flow from the Jedi. (phone rings) Hang on a second. Yeah. Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard! I'm sorry, I gotta take this call, you know. It's like this guy, he's--it's--um--one second. Yeah, hey! No no!

Mike Ovitz: Creative Artists Agency(Mike B): James Dixon is a very powerful Jedi agent. In fact, my evil councillors and I have been trying to acquire him for the dark side of the force. Unfortunately, his heart is pure...and he wanted this big raise, and his own parking space, and will you please shut up! There is not enough room in the world to accommodate all of James Dixon's demands.

Kerri: (Hacking cough) James has been getting me lots of voice-over work. I'm the little duck that loves coffee.

Little Duck: I love coffee! (hacking cough)

Dixon: If I had one piece of advice to give young artists, it would have to be, just because something looks like food doesn't mean you should eat it. And, of course, you know, may the force be wit' you.

Travel Agents
Announcer: The State would like to take this moment to pretend they 're travel agents.

State: Ahh.

Announcer: Thank you.

Tough Choices
Host (Mike S): Hello again, everybody, and welcome to tough choices, the game show that asks you to make some really tough choices. Hello, Chris Williams, and here is your tough choice. Which would you rather do: Lick a cow's ass, or make out with your mom?

Chris (Ben): That's kind of an- a weird question.

Host: And your answer is?

Chris: ...lick a cow's ass.

Host: Umm..your answer is?

Chris: I said, I would lick the cow's ass.

Host: Eww! Eww! You- you would lick a cow's ass? That is disgusting! Ew! Ew! Oh...oh! Okay, Chris, well, you can either lick the cow's ass now, or you can keep on going and try to double your money.

Chris: Well, I don't wanna lick the cow's ass.

Host: He's gonna go for the double! Okay, Chris. For all the money, here is your tough choice. Which would you rather do: Lick the cow's ass, or massage your dad's butt?

Chris: This is really unfair!

Host: Lick the cow's ass or massage your dad's butt?

Chris: Neither? Can I say neither?

Host: The cow's ass or your daddy's butt?

Chris: I would massage my dad's butt.

Host: Eww! Eww! Ack! Ack! Ack! Oh, you're gross! You would massage- oh, my...Tina, bring out Chris's dad. Chris, here is your chance to win our huge cash prize. For all the money, Chris, massage your dad's butt.

Chris: No.

Dad (Joe): Just do it, Chris. We need the money.

Chris: No, Dad-

Dad: Chris, just do it, all right?

(Chris starts massaging his dad's butt.)

Tina (Todd): Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Host: He's actually doing it! Do you see this? Do you see what he's doing? He's massaging his dad's- Oh, man. Tina, don't even give him the money, okay. The last thing we need is a pervert with a lot of cash in his back pocket. But, all right. That's all the time we have here on tough choices. Come back next time, when we ask the question, which would you rather do: Eat a booger sandwich, or crap in public? Good-bye everybody.

Gas Station
Ben: (driving invisible car) Vrrrm...vrrmm...vrrmm..err! (pulls up at BP gas station)

Ben: How ya doin'? Can I get, uh, ten bucks worth of unleaded, please? Thanks buddy. (reclines his invisible seat) duzshhh....

Ken: (filling an invisible gas tank) cha-ding! cha-ding! cha-ding! Uh, hey buddy, you're, uh, tires are lookin' a little bald. That's not safe. Uh...I could hook ya up with a couple o' white walls, it'll cost you about seventy-five dollars a piece.

Ben: Oh. Well, uh, if it needs 'em, it needs 'em, I guess.

Ken: It does.

Ben: Better go call the missus, tell her I'm gonna be late. Thanks, buddy, you saved my life.

Ken: No problem.
Hey, it looks like your alternator's shot, too. Uh, you can leave it here at the station, but it's gonna be real expensive!

Thief (David): Ching! Cha-ching! Varruum!

Ben: What the hell happened to my car!?!

Ken: Uh...

Joe: Somebody just stole it, but we can still catch 'im. Come on.
(They start getting into a truck) Oh, we'll never catch him in this truck. Let's use the racecar I'm towin' to Daytona. It'll be faster. (Yep, invisible.)

(Car chase scene. Basically, the guys are just running around making "vrroom" noises with some random dialogue and trying to run each other off the road.)

Thief: (Is run off the road and down a hill.) Aaahhh! Ahh! Aah! Ahh! (explosion)

Joe: Poor bastard!

Ben: Listen, here's the deal. If my insurance company finds out that I left my keys in the car, I'm not gonna see dime one. So, I'd sort of appreciate it, if, uh, maybe you pretended that this didn't happen...

Ken: I didn't see a thing.

Gunter Brothers (Who's on first)
Announcer: And now The State takes you back to an era of comedy before the advent of jokes.

Joe: Say, Max. I wanna go over the players and the positions on the team.

Max (David): Fine.

Joe: Okay, who's on first?

Max: Mike Smith. Mike Smith is on first.

Joe: Interesting. What's on second?

Max: You mean, who's on second?

Joe: Right, my mistake. Who's on second?

Max: Tim Phillips.

Joe: He sure is! Who's on third?

Max: Stan Wilder.

Joe: Stan, he's a good guy.

Tom: Hey, what's going on here?

Max: We're going over the players on the team.

Tom: Ah, great! It's gonna be a good season.

Desert Extras
Announcer: Under the scorching desert sun, far, far from Hollywood, there wanders a band of movie extras. This is two and a half minutes of their story.

Ben: Come, my fine band of movie extras, gather 'round. I have listened to the desert winds, and they tell me it is time for us to move on.

Ken: Father, tell me, is it true? Are we finally leaving here to become background extras in...Hollywood?

All: Ah! Oh..

Ben: Silence! My foolish, foolish son, we are desert extras. Nomads. We do not work in L.A. We wander in the desert, living off the land.

All: Yeah!

Ken: But, Father, as extras, we should really be where films are being made.

All: Yeah!

Ben: I do not wish to hear this grumbling! I have brought you from a land with no water, to this land, where there are little bits of water.

All: Yeah, that's true...

Tom: I had one glass of water...

Ken: True, Father, there is water. And yet...no films are being made.

All: Yeah!

Mike B: Yeah, there are no films being made...

Ben: The desert extra knows that somewhere West, cameras are pointed East, and we are in the background of all of these films.

All: Ahh..oh yeah!

Ken: And yet, we reap no health benefits. We are in no unions!

All: Right!

Mike B: That's right!

Kerri: We ARE in no unions!

Ben: All this talk of health benefits and unions is not the talk of a true desert extra. Our ancient ancestors wrote that we, as extras, are to mingle about in the arid wilderness, and so we shall.

All: And so we shall...

Ken: And yet, they said this before motion pictures were invented!

All: Yes! Oh yeah.

Ken: Father, with all due respect, if we are going to be extras, we should be in the movies!

Ben: Enough of this blasphemous talk! If you feel this way, then go! Go, be an extra in the background of movies! In Hollywood! California!

Mike B: Tinseltown!

Ben: Tinseltown! La La Land!

(Ken removes his desert cloak and is wearing a white fringed suit underneath, and puts on a white cowboy hat.)

Mike B: He's gorgeous!

Ben: Pht! We must wander East. Act natural, pantomime your dialogue, and try not to steal focus.

(Kerri waves to the camera)

Ben: Don't look right at the camera!

Real Estate Broker
Kerri: So, let me see. You're looking for a four bedroom house in the country. Great. Now, this first place I'm going to show you, well, it's not so much a country home, really, you know as it is a studio apartment in the middle of New York City. A terrible neighborhood. But here's the good news, okay. Well, there's no good news, really, but let me tell you, the bedroom, okay, is one by one. Okay, one foot by one foot, y'know. So you can't really fit bed, y'know. But, with mirrors, okay, and tapestry, or maybe you could curl up into a ball or something. Y'know, with your small frame, I think you could curl up into a very small ball! I wish I had your frame.

THERE'S A TWENTY-FOUR HOUR DISCOTHEQUE UPSTAIRS! SO YOU NEVER GET BORED! IT GETS GREAT LIGHT IN THE MORNING! Oh, okay...you think about it! Okay, in the meantime, I'm gonna get outta here, I think I'm losing the hearing in my right ear.

Now, this place is great. I would snap this place this place right up if I was you. And you haven't even seen the best part of it, yet. Just wait 'til you see this bedroom, it's like right out of the fairy tales. LOOK AT THIS BEDROOM! Oh my God! Oh! He's a dead guy!

Now, this next house I'm going to show you is- well, it's not so much a house really, okay, as it is a big hole in the ground. It's not really great for living in. But, I mean, it's nice if you like holes. Y'know, and I would think you would prefer to live in a hole, y'know, with your small frame and everything. That- that...that doesn't make any sense. No, no...let's--

Now, this is a slaughter house. Okay, I'm not so sure why I brought you here actually, because this would be an awful place to live, I mean, you'd have to live wit' da meat! Is this something that you would like? No, I wouldn't think so...okay, come on, I got one last place to show you, okay. You can pet these cows if you want. They're not going to feel a thing. No, you don't want- Okay, come on.

Now, this is a ninety thousand square foot castle. With Greek statues and...(?)...oh, it would take your breath away. But, unfortunately, we couldn't afford the money to build a set, so it's really just me in a sound booth with a microphone. It's nothing great. You see, it's not that exciting, but I'll tell you what. This time, let's turn the lights back off, and let's pretend like we're in London, 1936! Okay, bye-bye.

Adventures of Young God
Phone: Urgent message from Agent Johnson, sir.

Chief (Tom): Put it on the view screen, Mrs. Kinderpants.

Kevin: (on view screen) Bad news, Chief. HQ confirms that the new superbomb has been stolen by the evil Dr. X. He threatens to destroy New York and we have no idea where he's hiding.

Chief: Only God Himself can help us now.

(Shanghai)
Young God (Ben): You boys obviously don't know who you're dealing with.

Asian bad guy (?): Vinny, Eddie, chop chop.

(Bad japanese fighting sound effects)

(phone-type thing rings)
Young God: Yeah, Chief...right...good great...right right...sure sure...we're on our way, Chief. Nice work, Wonder Boy. Let's go!

Announcer: The adventures of Young God and his handy side-kick, Wonder Boy!

Wonder Boy (Todd): Nice work, God. But how do you know which island Dr. X is on?

Young God: Simple deduction, Wonder Boy. Knowing everything, as I do, I systematically eliminated every island Dr. X isn't on.

Wonder Boy: Brilliant, Lord.

Young God: Yes. Yes I am. Now, go get my luggage, Wonder Boy.

Wonder Boy: Right!

Young God: You know, sometimes I almost have to praise myself.

(David, in his theif suit again, hits Young God on the head and drags hi away.)

Dr. X: (dressed as God) Ah, good, Wonder Boy. You 've gotten our luggage. You're so very clever.

Wonder Boy: (suspiciously) I bet you're pretty excited about your big birthday party tomorrow?

Dr. X: Oh, yah yah, I'm hoping to receive a great many ingots.

Wonder Boy: A-ha! God doesn't have a birthday, because he has no beginning and no end. Is now, and ever shall be, Dr. X!

Dr. X: Yes, very clever, Wonder boy. But let's see if you can outwit my forty megaton superbomb!

Announcer: Is this the end of the Lord and Wonder Boy? Has the redeemer met his match? Suddenly, at the last possible moment, God remembers he's all powerful, frees himself, and erases Dr. X's entire family's existence back to the beginning of time.

Dr. X: (disappearing) Well. I'll be damned.

Announcer: And changes the superbomb into bountiful blessings and goodness for all. Jesus, what a guy!

Chief: (on phone) Well done, God. I know it goes without saying, but you really really are one of the best. God? God? Are you there, God, it's me, Margaret.

Young God: Think I should grown a beard?

Announcer: Tune in next week, when God tangles with a very sinister Bruce Springsteen and his E-street Band on the Adventures of Young God!

Farewell
Tom: Hi. We're The State. This is the last show we're going to be doing on MTV, so to celebrate, we got some of these. Whoo-hoo!

All: Yay!

Kerri: Hey! That was sort of anti-climactic.

Ken: Do we have any more of these?

Someone backstage: No.

(State members start leaving)

Highlight Reel plays, which is some killer clips from not-so-random skits played to an even louder variation of the "Boys and Girls, Action" theme song...

Mike B: Bye, we're The State.

Mike S: Bye...

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