Magic: the Addiction, etc

I've actually cut down lately on the number of cards I buy per hour, but as someone observed in the relevant newsgroup, the amount I've spent, a little at a time, on a couple thousand cards, would have paid for quite a few complete games in the non-card part of the hobby. Ah, well.

My main vice is of course Magic: The Gathering. I also have quite a few On the Edge, a number of Illuminati: New World Order, and some SimCity on the side.

Magic was first, and they do it best. OnTE and INWO are both fun crazy paranoid world-conspiracy settings. SimCity is my favorite computer game; as a card game, it looks sort of dull and heavy on the bookkeeping, although I've never actually played it. I don't tend to play any of these games much, in fact; mostly I buy new ones, skim the newsgroups, arrange my cards in various orders, and rub my hands together and cackle.

Here's a little MtG-related humor. Non-addicts will not necessarily Get It...

Barbie: the Gathering

Here are some cards from the supressed expansion
set, Modernities.  (Barbie is no doubt a trademark
of Mattel Inc, or someone like that.)

Bewitching Barbie               2G

  (Buxom blue-eyed blonde with a stiff smile,
   in a diaphanous green gown)

Summon Barbie

  G, Tap: Target non-artifact creature
          becomes tapped

  "Hello, sailor!"
                                2/1

Army Barbie                     W

  (Barbie in stylish medieval infantry
   uniform, sword in one stiffly-bent arm)

Summon Barbie

  "Take that, you unkempt ruffian!"
                                2/1

Surfin' Barbie                  1U

  (Barbie, surfin')

Summon Barbie

  Islandwalk

  "Surf's up!"
                                2/1

Posthumous Barbie               2B

  (Her back to us, a moldy undead Barbie.
   Beyond her, a creature slack-jawed in horror.)

Summon Barbie

  All creatures blocked by or blocking Posthumous
  Barbie become tapped, and do not untap as normal
  during controller's next upkeep.

  "...stunningly horrid..."
                                2/1

Fire 'n' Fun Barbie             1R

  (Barbie in a cute red jumpsuit,
   breating fire)

Summon Barbie

  Tap to add a Fire Jewel counter to
    Fire 'n' Fun Barbie, or
  Remove X Fire Jewel counters from Fire
    'n' Fun Barbie.  Fire 'n' Fun Barbie
    gets +X/+0 until end of turn.

  "...batteries not included, refills sold
      separately..."
                                1/2

Magic Hair Barbie               4

  (An apparently nude Barbie almost entirely
   hidden by masses of writhing blonde hair, some
   of it formed into mouths, claws, axes, etc)

Artifact Barbie

  2: +1/+1

  "Some of the brothers' later experiments
   in artificial life produced truly terrifying
   results."
                                1/2

World of Barbie

  (Barbies: all colors, sparkling, shining,
   smiling, waving their awkwardly-bent arms.)

Land

  Comes into play tapped.  Tap to add two points
  of any color, tint, and shade of manna to your
  manna pool.  Tapping World of Barbie does one
  point of damage to you; this damage may not
  be prevented.

  "Lotsa magic, but always at a price."

Accessorize                     G

  (Against a background of sky and wooded hills,
   a restic cornucopia strews forth an unending
   stream of little plastic shoes, purses, rings,
   headbands, bracelets, etc)

Enchantment

  All Barbies in play get +1/+1

Argivian Dollsmithy             WW

  (A smoky medieval workshop w/Barbies)

Enchantment

  1W: regenerate target Barbie

  "The air rings with the sound of anvils
   and portable impact-extruders."

Big Sale at the Mall            U

  (A medieval bazaar; Barbies shopping)

Instant

  All Barbies in play become tapped.

  "Excuse me, do you take Phyrexian Express?"

Barbify                         B

  (A Barbie-doll version of a mighty warrior,
   complete with big fake smile.)

Instant

  Target create becomes 1/1, and loses all
  flying and banding ability, until end of turn.

Molten Barbie                   R

  (An empty blonde hairpiece from which
   drips fiery globs of destruction.)

Sorcery

  Sacrifice a Barbie you control to do 4 damage,
  divided however you like among 1-4 targets.

  "When that flaming plastic 'gan to fly,
   we knew 'twas the end!"

Feral Zealot                    2WG

  (Picture of a zealous-looking fungus)

Summon Townsfolk

  During your upkeep, put a Spore counter on
  Feral Zealot.

  Tap: remove all Spore counters from Feral
    Zealot to do X damage to one opponent,
    where X is the number of counters that
    have rolled under the counter since the
    start of the game.
                                3/3