Fish Story

Northern Exposure
Episode 5.18
Original CBS air date: 3/14/94

Written by: Jeff Melvoin
Directed by: Bill D'Elia

Guest Stars:

Rabbi Schulman: Jerry Adler
Turk: Stephen McHattie
Frog: John Fleck
Tiny: Mickey Jones
Walt: Moultrie Patten

NOTES: This was transcribed from the A&E channel's 6/17/98 airing of this episode. Chances are some lines were cut for syndication, but if they were, I don't know where.

Page created: 6/30/98

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[Joel and Maggie at Joel's cabin.]

MAGGIE: I'm surprised to see bread in the house. With Passover coming up, aren't you supposed to get rid of all the chametz?

JOEL: It's pronounced chametz, and we never did that in my family. What do you know about Passover, anyway?

MAGGIE: Well, I've just been doing a little reading.

JOEL: About Passover? What, are you having trouble sleeping?

MAGGIE: Well, actually, I was gonna surprise you, Fleischman.

JOEL: Surprise me?

MAGGIE: Uh hmm. With a Passover dinner.

JOEL: You wanna have a Seder?

MAGGIE: Yeah. For you. You can invite everyone over, we can have a little Pascal lamb, matzoh, what do you think?

JOEL: Well, for one thing, Pascal lamb went out with the Second Temple, and for another thing...

MAGGIE: So you don't want it?

JOEL: Oh please, don't get me wrong here. I think it's very sweet. I mean ... that's not necessary, you know, it'd be like me wanting to have an Easter egg party for you or something.

MAGGIE: What's wrong with that?

JOEL: Nothing, I don't know, it's...

MAGGIE: I don't get it. I'm just trying to give you part of your culture.

JOEL: Ah, please, come on, I don't wanna fight about this, it's, you know, I think it's very sweet. I just, I don't know what to say. I'm uncomfortable with it, you know? Can't we just leave it at that?

MAGGIE: Yeah, yeah.

JOEL: Aw, come on. O'Connell...

MAGGIE: See ya.

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[Ruth-Anne's store: store is closed, Ruth-Anne is inside, Chris comes knocking urgently at the door.]

RUTH-ANNE: Oh, for pity's sake. I'm closed, Chris.

CHRIS: Oh, come on, it'll only take a minute.

RUTH-ANNE: I'm not an AM/PM mini-mart, you know.

CHRIS: Chips, chips, chips...

RUTH-ANNE: I've closed out the register.

CHRIS: Ruth-Anne, you're out of salt and vinegar chips.

RUTH-ANNE: Shipment comes in Thursday.

CHRIS: Well I was kinda, you know, dreaming of those chips and they were the light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

RUTH-ANNE: If you'd ever plan ahead...

CHRIS: All right. Barbecue it is. No, wait a second. New game plan. I don't like barbecue. How about some, uh, creamed herring and those Stoned Wheat Thins?

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[Chris, Ed and Joel a fishin' at the shore of East Loon Lake.]

CHRIS: "Time is but the stream I go a fishin' in." Henry David Thoreau.

ED: "Pass me a sandwich." Ed Chigliak.

JOEL: Boy, I love this. It's just so relaxing and easy. No women. I mean, why is it that women feel they have to horn in on everything? You know? I mean, I don't understand why they just can't leave well enough alone. It's like, you know, you're getting ready to watch a football game, and some girl comes in, and she says she's a big fan, and can she watch too, right? You know, I mean, she's not there to watch football. She's there to talk or laugh or gossip, anything but watch football, you know what I mean?

CHRIS: Happen to you a lot, huh, Joel?

JOEL: I'm just making a point.

ED: You'd better check your line there, Dr. Fleischman.

CHRIS: Yeah.

JOEL: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'm caught on those weeds again. Come on... oh...

CHRIS: Get a little side to side action there.

JOEL: Yeah, maybe I need a little better angle. Oh, there we go, it moved a little.

ED: Hey, you must be bringing up half the bottom.

JOEL: Whoa. Whoa.

CHRIS: That's a fish.

JOEL: Whoa! Man! Huh! Feels like a submarine to me.

ED: Don't break your line.

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, get your tip up.

JOEL: I'm telling ya, it won't budge.

CHRIS: Ya think...?

ED: What else could it be?

CHRIS: This close to shore?

ED: Big drop-off out there.

CHRIS: Gonaqadete?

JOEL: This thing is not budging. Whoa. Whoa.

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[Shelly and Holling in their apartment. Holling is painting while holding Miranda.]

SHELLY: Number two keg's leaking again, H.

HOLLING: Be down in a minute.

SHELLY: How's the pooper?

HOLLING: Oh, she's fine.

SHELLY: Whoa...

HOLLING: You like it?

SHELLY: Are you kidding? Virtual reality. I feel like I could soak my little piggies in that water.

HOLLING: The instructions call for a little more six in the shadows, but I thought it was too green, so I used number eight.

SHELLY: Well, you went right, babe. This is going on the wall downstairs.

HOLLING: You think it's that good?

SHELLY: This blows the doors off your Last Supper.

HOLLING: Well, I think I do have a kind of a special feel for the outdoor scenes.

SHELLY: Who would've guessed my big hunk would be high-fiving it with the Sistine Chapel guy?

HOLLING: It's just paint-by-the-numbers.

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["Chris-on-the-air."]

CHRIS: Move over, Elvis, Gonaqadete is back. That's right, folklore fans, Cicely's own version of the Loch Ness monster was hooked today by our own Dr. Joel Fleischman at about 1:12 in the afternoon. The battle is still raging over at East Loon Lake. For those of you who aren't up on the legend, Guni, known to locals for a century as a fabulous sea monster, has been making guest appearances on totems and all kinds of representative art. The first modern sightings were in 1931, and he's been popping up about, oh, once every 15 years. Scientific speculation has set on the idea that a landlocked sturgeon species may have been trapped in the last glacier. Now, attempts to photograph this mythical bottom dweller have been frustrated by the turgidity and depth of the Loon Lake, although a marine biology team from the University of Washington reported unusual sonar findings in 1973. For all the Guni news as it happens keep your radio tuned to 57 am.

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[During part of the Chris talk above, the scene has moved from the KBHR office to the lake shore, with the last few lines of Chris above being heard on the radio playing there.]

JOEL: How big you think he is, Ed?

ED: Sturgeon can go a thousand pounds, Dr. Fleischman.

JOEL: A thousand pounds?

ED: Fourteen, fifteen feet. Uncle Anku says he used to use oxen to haul them out of the Columbia River.

JOEL: Almost a thousand pounds. Man.

ED: I think they're ready with your chair over there, Dr. Fleischman. Keep the tip up now.

JOEL: Yep. Oh, my back.

ED: Yeah, you know old Walt's the only other one to ever get old Guni on a hook, back in July '68, I believe it was. Fought it for seven hours.

JOEL: Wow.

ED: Well, he got his finger snagged in the line.

WALT: Get an extra joist under there and I want jam nuts on all those bolts, ya hear me? Hey Doc...give Jerry your rod while you put this on.

JOEL: Hello, Jerry, how're ya doing?

WALT: It's from the VFW hall. Flagholder, but it should do the trick.

JOEL: All right, Jerry, here ya go. Ok.

WALT: We're transferring you to this deep sea rig, but don't get any ideas of horsing this fella in. It'll snap your line in a minute. Let him run.

JOEL: All right.

WALT: You got slack; take it.

JOEL: All right, Jerry.

JERRY: I spliced your line onto this heavier pole, Doc. How's that?

JOEL: All right.

WALT: I don't need to tell you you're in for the fight of your life. Every time it rains I remember this little souvenir that Guni gave me. I'll be with you all the way, Doc. If you need me, just holler.

JOEL: Oh. Whew.

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[Ruth-Anne's store, which is seeing an unusual amount of traffic due to the East Loon Lake activities.]

HAYDEN: Give me one of them disposable cameras, Ruth-Anne.

RUTH-ANNE: I'm out.

HAYDEN: Even the panoramic ones? How am I gonna get a picture of Guni?

RUTH-ANNE: You're a little late, Hayden.

HAYDEN: I don't believe this. The angling event of the century and you're out of cameras?

RUTH-ANNE: You might get yourself a real camera and buy some film.

HAYDEN : Nah...

RUTH-ANNE: That's 18 dollars and 23 cents, Doris.

DORIS: Just put it on my tab.

RUTH-ANNE: May I help you?

CUSTOMER ON FLOOR: Yeah, I was looking for teriyaki jerky, this stuff's all pepperoni and salami.

RUTH-ANNE: The jerky is on the corner of the counter. Always has been.

CUSTOMER ON FLOOR: Thanks.

RUTH-ANNE: What are you doing?

HAYDEN: I thought you might have missed one of these cameras back here, Ruth-Anne.

RUTH-ANNE: I told you I was out.

HAYDEN: Aahohh..

RUTH-ANNE: All right. This is it. Hey, listen up. We're closed.

HAYDEN: What?

RUTH-ANNE: You heard me. Everybody. Out. Go. Get. Scoot!

DEPARTING CUSTOMER: Bye.

HAYDEN: Look, here's a sawbuck, if you'd just get me bag of them Doritos?

RUTH-ANNE: Twirl on your Doritos, Hayden.

HAYDEN: [sighing]

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[Continuing in time from the above scene: Chris and Shelly (with Miranda) walking along the street near Ruth-Anne's store.]

SHELLY: She's got the cutest little burps, Chris. Like, I thought that part was gonna totally gross me out, you know?

CHRIS: Yeah.

SHELLY: Get that watery spit-up running down your sweater? Smells kinda cheesy? But she makes this little squeaks.

CHRIS: [cooing the baby]

SHELLY: Hey, isn't that Ruth-Anne?

CHRIS: Yeah.

SHELLY: Isn't that your bike?

CHRIS: Yeah!?

[Ruth-Anne takes off on Chris' Harley.]

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[The Brick: Holling preparing to hang his paint-by-number painting on the wall.]

CUSTOMER: How'd you do that, Holling?

SHELLY: Bitchin', isn't it?

MAURICE: Let me get an eyeball of that. Bring it over.

HOLLING: Some painting, huh?

MAURICE: That's not painting, that's paint-by-numbers.

SHELLY: So?

MAURICE: So? Well, that's therapy for the artistically-challenged, Shelly. That's what they prescribe for cretins in dayrooms.

SHELLY: For your information, Mr. Bogus, it took Holling a week to do that painting.

HOLLING: Shelly...

SHELLY: He doesn't just follow the instructions, either. Sometimes he mixes his own colors. And he paints over the lines, too.

HOLLING: Maurice is entitled to his own opinion, Shelly.

SHELLY: Well, I'd like to see him try one of these some time.

MAURICE: I'll tell you what, Shelly. I'll rush out to the house to take down my Manet and make room for a genuine Vincoeur. Holling, you think you can paint me one of those sad-faced clowns and maybe a couple of kittens playing with a ball of yarn?

SHELLY: Don't listen to him, H. He's just jealous.

MAURICE: Ohhhh...

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[Chris on the air. Holling walks in while Chris is on the air.]

CHRIS: Attention, KBHR shoppers, while Ruth-Anne Miller's out doing her Kerouac thing, we set up a special food and hardware hotline to keep those staples flowing for the duration of our general store crisis. Now, it says Kim Green is making a run to Cantwell this afternoon for baked goods; get your orders in tout de suite. Ivory Springer has butter and milk, but rumor has it that he's charging $3.50 a quart. Now, Ivory, if you're price-gouging, a pox upon your house. [makes chicken noises]

Got a little Guni update here. Closing in on five hours since Dr. Joel hooked the big guy, some 200 yards of line expended, both fish and fisherman doing fine, although Dr. Joel's developed a hankering for a salami sandwich. Keep that in mind if you're headed up that way; go easy on the Dijon.

CHRIS: What's up, Holling?

HOLLING: I thought you might have some use for these, Chris.

CHRIS: What, are you hanging up your brushes?

HOLLING: Something like that.

CHRIS: Thought you had a groove thing going there, Holling.

HOLLING: Well, it's no fun for me anymore.

CHRIS: No fun. Well, maybe it's just a sign of growth, you know, 'cause hey, artists have to suffer.

HOLLING: I don't think it's anything like that, Chris. Fact is, no matter how much I put into my paintings, I don't think they'd ever be what you call art.

CHRIS: What's art, Holling, huh? Is it da Vinci art? Dada art? If you wrap up the whole Reichstag in toilet paper, is that art?

HOLLING: Well, I can't give you a complete definition but I think there'd be something that Maurice would be willing to give good money for.

CHRIS: Yeah well, you're starting to scare me, 'cause if that's art, then I gotta get a whole new gig, you know? Why, what'd he, come down and dump on your work?

HOLLING: Yeah, I only started painting 'cause I had time on my hands, what with the babysitting and all. But the more I got into it, the more I thought, well, maybe I've got a little talent.

CHRIS: Oh, and now you don't.

HOLLING: It was like a bucket of cold ice water being dumped on my head.

CHRIS: All right, you got a very basic problem, Holling. You're confusing the product with the process. Most people when they criticize, whether they like it or they hate it, they're talking about product. Now, that's not art, that's the result of art. Right? Art, to the degree of whatever we can get a handle on, I'm not sure we really can, is a process. Right? Begins in here, here, with these and these. Right? Now, Picasso said: "The pure plastic act is only secondary. What really counts is the drama of the pure plastic act. That exact moment when the universe comes out of the self and meets its own destruction."

HOLLING: Uhhh, well, I'd still like people to like my paintings.

CHRIS: Right, yeah, of course. But the thing we gotta do with you, Holling, is get your ego out of the product and put it back in the process. Unless you don't want to.

HOLLING: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah...

CHRIS: Hey, we're buds. We'll work it out.

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[Lake, now night: Joel asleep on the chair until his line is pulled so hard it wakes him. He leaves his chair, gets into a boat and is pulled out onto the lake by the line. Walt sleeps through it all.]

JOEL: Hey Walt. Whoa. Walt!!! Walt! Walt! Hey!! Walt, get over here! Come on! Walt! Walt! Walt! Hey! Walt! Walt!!!

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[Ruth-Anne, taking a break from her Harley ride at the Last Call Bar.]

WAITRESS: Everything all right?

RUTH-ANNE: No, everything is not all right. I ordered this steak rare, and this is medium. And don't reheat those fries. I want a fresh batch.

WAITRESS: Yes, ma'am.

RUTH-ANNE: And here. This time put a full two jiggers in.

TURK: Is that your shovel head out there?

RUTH-ANNE: Excuse me?

TURK: Harley. Is it yours?

RUTH-ANNE: Yes.

TURK: It was blocking the handicapped wrap. We moved it for you.

RUTH-ANNE: Thanks.

TINY [to Turk as Turk glares at him]: What?

WAITRESS: Double Wild Turkey, neat. Gentlemen?

TURK: You know what we want, girl.

FROG: And make it fast.

TURK: Some bike ya got, Ma.

RUTH-ANNE: Nothing to that big knucklehead I used to ride.

FROG: Yeah? What year?

RUTH-ANNE: '48.

TINY: Chopped?

RUTH-ANNE: Extended front end, bobbed fenders.

TURK: Is that your old man's bike or yours?

RUTH-ANNE: My old man wouldn't go near it. Scared the devil out of him.

TURK: Maybe you heard of us. We're the Diablos.

RUTH-ANNE: No.

FROG: "Terror of the Tundra"? That's what the Sleetmute Sentinel called us.

TINY: Maggots.

TURK [to waitress]: Leave it.

TURK: Where ya headed, Ma?

RUTH-ANNE: Wherever.

TURK: Yeah, I can dig it. Tell you what. How'd you like to ride with the Diablos tonight?

FROG: We're jamming with the Rattlers. Gonna run the gauntlet to the Delta Junction.

RUTH-ANNE: Run the gauntlet?

FROG: Open throttle all the way.

TINY: No stops.

RUTH-ANNE: But you have to go through Greely, don't you? There's a state police station in Greely.

FROG: Greely...

TINY: We own Greely, man.

TURK: So what do you say, Ma? Feel like gettin' down?

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[Joel still on the boat, way out somewhere on East Loon Lake.]

JOEL: All right, I'll make you a deal, fish. You take me home, I promise I will cut the line as soon as we get there.

Whoa! Whoa! Yah! Ahh! Ya! Ah ah ah!

[Rabbi Schulman comes climbing up Joel's line into the boat.]

Rabbi Schulman!!!

RABBI: Can you give me a hand, Joel?

JOEL: I don't believe this! What are you doing here? Are you ok?

RABBI: Help me with my foot.

JOEL: Here you go.

RABBI: Ok, ok, oh boy...oh.

JOEL: What's going on? Are you all right?

RABBI: I'm fine, just fine. You got a towel or something?

JOEL: I...I...what?
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JOEL: I don't understand what happened. Did I hook you?

RABBI: Well, I grabbed your line. Whatever you got is still down there.

JOEL: What are you doing here, Rabbi?

RABBI: Remember Cantor Landsman?

JOEL: Yeah.

RABBI: Well, had a mild heart episode, decides to retire and move to Phoenix.

JOEL: My father didn't tell me that.

RABBI: I don't see your father at shul very much anymore much, Joel, especially since we had that argument about the driveway improvements, but listen, that's another story. Anyway, I'm under pressure from the search committee to get a female cantor. Not that I have any objections, mind you, it's just that it took a little while to get used to it. Rode the fence for while. Eventually we did hire a female. Emily Greenblatt. Want some sen-sen?.

JOEL: Thanks.

RABBI: Anyway, we didn't hit it off right away. Emily accused me of dragging my feet during her selection. She resents it. Next thing you know, the liturgic committee, headed by Emily, is insisting on gender-free services. You don't know about this. This is a very big thing. It's no longer correct to refer to the Lord as a masculine presence, as in "blessed be his name." Now it's "blessed be his or her name, blessed be Adonai's name." So I thought, can I live with this? I don't know. I think it over, I decide I can, and I make the switch. Well, apparently not soon enough, because two weeks ago the committee came to me and said that I will be the "Rabbi Emeritus."

JOEL: Oh? So they wanted to keep you upstairs?

RABBI: Seems that they want somebody more on the "cutting edge" to lead the community. Cutting edge, Joel. When I was going through the seminary, believe me, this was not a major consideration.

JOEL: What is it that you're doing here?

RABBI: Looking for guidance. In his or her name.

JOEL: In East Loon Lake?

RABBI: Is that what they call this?

JOEL: Rabbi...you're in Alaska.

RABBI: Well, we'll see. Wherever the search takes you.

JOEL: What's it like down there?

RABBI: It's dark, Joel. It's dark and it's deep.

JOEL: Oh boy...

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[Ruth-Anne and the Diablos at the rendezvous point for meeting the Rattlers.]

TINY: So, where's the Rattlers, man?

FROG: Those skanks are always late.

TINY: Well, they better not be too late. I gotta take Courtney to the friggin' orthodontist tomorrow.

FROG: Braces?

TINY: No, palette extender.

FROG: Her teeth look ok to me.

TINY: It's an over- [fade out to background conversion]

TURK: How're they hanging, Ma? How come we never seen you before?

RUTH-ANNE: I've been stuck behind a counter, I guess. You know, I realized, as we were riding up here, I've been in Cicely longer than I've ever been any place in my entire life.

TURK: [taking a cell phone call] Yeah? [to others laughing in background] Shut up, man, I can't hear.

TURK: [to phone caller] Yep, yeah, yeah that's much better.

TINY: Hey Ma, lemme ask you something.

RUTH-ANNE: Shoot.

TINY: You're in retail, right?

RUTH-ANNE: Yeah.

TINY: Well, I own a couple of snowboard franchises myself, half a dozen employees. This new change to the Medicare tax, is that gonna hurt me?

RUTH-ANNE: Not unless you make more than $130,000 in a year.

TINY: Huh.

RUTH-ANNE: All they did was take away the wage limit.

FROG: Told ya, man.

TURK: Son of a bitch!!

FROG: Uh oh, Turk's pissed.

TURK: They're not coming!

TINY: What?

TURK: That was Sonny. He's having elective surgery tomorrow.

FROG: You're kidding.

TURK: He went in for rectal bleeding, turns out they're gonna have to take out part of his colon.

RUTH-ANNE: Diverticulitis.

TURK: Yeah.

FROG: His colon, man!

TURK: All right. Let's burn rubber.

TINY: Without the Rattlers?

TURK: We're still the Diablos, aren't we? We're still the Diablos, aren't we!!???!

TINY: Diablos, man!

FROG: All right!

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[Town meeting at the church, seemingly called by Maurice, who is leading the meeting at the podium.]

MAURICE: Ruth-Anne Miller runs the only general store within a hundred miles' radius. We depend on that store for our necessities. That makes her the equivalent of a public employee. Now, President Reagan demonstrated when those PATCO wobblies took a powder that public servants cannot go on strike.

HOLLING: What do you propose we do, Maurice?

MAURICE: Well, I propose that, uh, Ed there open the store and carry on business as usual.

ED: Oh, I don't know, Maurice. Ruth-Anne told me to only use this [holding up the store key that hangs on a string around his neck] when she says so.

MAURICE: You wanna clear out the ear wax there, Chigliak? This is an emergency. Now, I propose we take a vote.

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Second.

CHRIS: Let's just slow down, all right? Let's take a constitutional minute here before we put a major tear in our social fabric, ok?

MAURICE: You got a point there, Stevens?

CHRIS: Yes, I do. All right, on the one hand, we have the good of the public to consider. Our need for Huggies and Dove bars. On the other hand, we have our legislative guarantees of personal freedom, such as the right for people to feel to secure in their persons, their houses, their papers and their effects.

HOLLING: I wouldn't want anybody breaking into the bar.

MAURICE: All right, people, there is a time for debate, and there's a time to shut up and do something.

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah, what are we supposed do for fresh broccoli?

CHRIS: Yeah, and I am kind of low on brewskies.

ED: Chris...

MAURICE: All right, all in favor...

ED: No! I won't let you! You can't make me!

[Ed runs out of the meeting.]

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[Joel and the Rabbi, still out on the boat in East Loon Lake.]

JOEL: Hey, when was the last time you saw land, Rabbi?

RABBI: Been quite awhile.

JOEL: You know, we got a couple of oars here and I gotta tell ya, I'm about ready to cut my losses and row back to shore.

RABBI: Joel, wait...wait wait wait... I don't think we should do that, Joel, I don't think we should break off connection with what's down there. We could be on to something very big.

JOEL: Very big, what do you mean, big like how?

RABBI: I think he, or she, whose name may not uttered.

JOEL: You mean God? You think God is here in this lake?

RABBI: Fish imagery is very big in the Judeo-Christian canon. Jonah, the miracle of the loaves, the fishes. Even the earliest sign of Christianity, before the cross, in fact, was the fish.

JOEL: Ok.

RABBI: So, uh, what's new with Joel Fleischman? It's been quite awhile, my friend.

JOEL: I don't know, I just, I been in Alaska, serving my sentence.

RABBI: How about that girl you were going with, uh, Eileen?

JOEL: Elaine.

RABBI: Elaine.

JOEL: Yeah, she dumped me.

RABBI: Oh, sorry. Seeing anybody else?

JOEL: Yeah, her name's O'Connell. Maggie O'Connell.

RABBI: Nice Jewish girl. You two serious?

JOEL: Serious? I don't know, you know, I mean, we started out hating each other and now she wants to cook me Passover dinner.

RABBI: Really? That's very nice. It's not nice?

JOEL: Ah yeah, tell you the truth, it makes me very uncomfortable.

RABBI: Why?

JOEL: I don't know. What?

RABBI: I don't know. We're moving. I think your line's gone slack, Joel.

JOEL: Oh, there's nothing there, Rabbi. I think I've lost him, Rabbi.

RABBI: I don't think you've lost him.

JOEL: What do you mean?

RABBI: Did you hear that?

JOEL: Hear what?

RABBI: Listen.

JOEL: Ohh!!!

[Something unseen hits the boat, forcing Joel and the Rabbi overboard.]

JOEL: He's breaching!!!!!!!

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[Chris and Holling go down to The Brick basement's incinerator.]

HOLLING: Explain it to me again, Chris?

CHRIS: Holling, one more time. We're gonna liberate the art from the artist, remember?

HOLLING: All I remember is you said I had to burn my paintings.

CHRIS: It's not your painting anymore, Holling. It stopped being your painting the moment that you finished it. Ok, Holling, Native Americans make these little sand sculptures, right? They spend days just sprinkling these little colored bits of sand into this painting. Now, when they're all finished, they destroy it, they scatter it to all four winds. You know why? Because they know what's important, Holling. Now come on, you're gonna feel a whole lot better when this is all over, believe me.

HOLLING: You do it.

CHRIS: It's your odyssey.

[Holling places his painting into the incinerator.]

CHRIS: You feel that, Holling? Huh? You feel that catharsis? That letting go of ego? You're a free man, Holling Vincoeur! You make a little room for yourself to experience this, buddy!

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[Diablos and Ruth-Anne in a store.]

TURK: Hey! You got any get-well cards?

CLERK: Yeah, over there.

TURK: Sonny'd really appreciate this. Gonna be in the hospital a week.

RUTH-ANNE: At least.

FROG: Hey, this is funny. "Heard you got laid up, hope you get it sideways and upside down, too."

TINY: Hey, that's not funny, man! When you're sick in the hospital, thing like that falls flat!

RUTH-ANNE: Here. Short and sweet.

TURK: "Thinking of you, get well soon." Hey, that's it, that says it all. I'll take this one.

CLERK: Anything else?

FROG: Yeah, you got any mercuric oxide? Damn sty...keep telling Doreen to get rid of them down pillows.

CLERK: One or two percent?

FROG: Two.

TURK: Ok, let's ride.

FROG: I dunno, Turk.

TURK: What?

FROG: Maybe we ought to cool it tonight, huh?

TURK: What're you saying to me, Frog? What are you telling me? Are you telling me that Torque Torque Tommy doesn't lead the Diablos anymore?

FROG: No, Torque.

TURK: Then what are you saying to me, man?!!?!!!

FROG: I'm telling you it's not the same without the Rattlers, ok?

TINY: He's right, Turk. You know, I hear they got some pretty good frozen yogurt here...

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[Joel and the Rabbi inside what turns out to be the fish.]

JOEL: Rabbi...

RABBI: Right here.

JOEL: Where are we?

RABBI: Wait a second. Let me make this brighter.

JOEL: You smoke?

RABBI: Just an occasional White Owl, Joel. I don't inhale.

JOEL: Geez, this stinks, huh!

RABBI: Hold this, Joel. What is this? [picks up a lantern]

JOEL: Hey, a baseball bat. Hey Rabbi, this is mine. This is my old Thurman Munson.

RABBI: My father's mishna. Hmm. And a skate key. I haven't seen one like this in 50 years.

JOEL: Hey, look at this. Spiderman. Number One. I knew I didn't throw this away. What's going on here?

RABBI: We're inside, Joel.

JOEL: Inside what?

RABBI: The fish. The belly of the beast.

JOEL: Oh my God. Oh my God. Rabbi, that looks very much like alveoli. And let me tell you something, if that is, we stand a very good chance of being slimed to death by digestive enzymes and I think we better get out of here like fast.

RABBI: We could make a fire. I took my son Neil to see a movie just like this.

JOEL: You talking about Pinnochio?

RABBI: That's right! The whale just coughed him right out!

JOEL: That's Walt Disney, it's a movie! All right, look, I mean, stomachs and coughing, anatomically speaking, have no correlation. But, I can't believe I'm having this conversation, but if we attempted an esophageal exit, we have a small matter of teeth to consider. I think it would be best if we went colo-rectal.

RABBI: You mean...

JOEL: I mean that every living creature has to excrete and I think this is safest. Come on.

RABBI: Ok.

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[Joel and the Rabbi walk through the fish, looking for the exit.]

RABBI: Joel...

JOEL: What?

RABBI: I think Jonah is the key to all of this.

JOEL: Key to what?

RABBI: The meaning behind all of this. Think about it for a minute. Why was Jonah swallowed by the whale in the first place? The Lord said, go to Nineveh. Cry out against their wickedness. Instead, Jonah cuts the boat and goes to Tarshish. The Lord raises a ruckus, Jonah gets the heave-ho. What's the meaning behind all of this?

JOEL: Next time go to Nineveh.

RABBI: Responsibility. Jonah was trying to avoid his responsibility.

JOEL: Hmm. Come on, Rabbi. On your knees.

RABBI: Hmm.

JOEL: Hey, I think we got something here! Watch your head. Easy. Ok.

[Joel and the Rabbi come upon the turnstiles to a subway.]

JOEL: Hey, you got a token?

RABBI: Token? Only one.

JOEL: All right, you go ahead. I'll jump. Go ahead, Rabbi. Who's gonna tell?

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[Ruth-Anne and the Diablos, still at the store.]

TINY: Yo monkey boy...hit me again.

CLERK: I'd really like to close up, fellas. Macadamia vanilla swirl, right?

TURK: What's up, Ma? You look a little down.

RUTH-ANNE: I think I've run out of road, Turk.

TURK: You speaking metaphorically?

RUTH-ANNE: Physically, too. When I left Portland for Cicely, I wanted the wide-open spaces. Look at me now. What's left? Vladivostok?

TINY: Baby, as long as we got it in here, there's always the open road!

FROG: Mom's right, man. Frontier's over. History.

RUTH-ANNE: We've all read Hunter Thompson. The biker movement was started by dissatisfied GIs who weren't willing to buy into the phony prosperity of the late forties.

FROG: Tell it. Hip.

RUTH-ANNE: It was a reaction, a revolt.

FROG: Um, You remember Brando's line in "The Wild One"?

TURK: Yeah, dude asks: "What are you rebelling against?" Brando says: "What do you got?"

FROG: But, but what does it mean anymore, huh? I mean, how can it mean anything in a society where lawyers are wearing earrings and fashion models have tattoos, huh? Have you been in a Harley dealership lately? A new ultra-classic, stocked, no chrome, no nothing, listed $16,000. Who's buying these bikes? I'll tell you who. Doctors, chefs, account executives, that's who. The affluent middle class. And you wanna know what? We're part of it.

TURK: What if we are? Huh? I'll tell ya, for the first time in my life, I'm happy. Shirley's great, the kids like school, the Dow went over 3900. I don't know. What's so bad about feeling good?

RUTH-ANNE: Well, I guess the major thing I'm rebelling against these days is my arthritis.

TINY: But what about the open road, man?

FROG: Ah geez, look at the time, man. Next Saturday, Turk?

TURK: Whoa. No, Saturday's tight. Ricky's soccer team made the play-offs. How about, um, Sunday?

FROG: Ok.

TURK: Tiny?

TINY: Fine with me.

TURK: Deal.

[Outside the store, Ruth-Anne and the Diablos go their separate ways on their bikes.]

TURK: Be good, Ma!

TINY: And if you can't be good...

FROG: Be quick!

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[Joel and the Rabbi riding on the colo-rectal subway.]

RABBI: Jonah was in the fish three days.

JOEL: Well, fine for him, I gotta teach a nutritional class in Sitka tomorrow.

RABBI: I'm supposed to see the Board.

JOEL: What are you gonna tell them?

RABBI: I've decided to fight it out, Joel. Easy to take the money and run, and what may, good bye and good luck. But there's still my flock. Like my children. I still have things to teach them and, like it or not, they should listen. And, maybe I was a little too brusque with Emily. Maybe I could have been a little more sensitive. Some fences I could mend there.

[Train stops.]

RABBI: Hey...

JOEL: So you think I should have Passover with O'Connell?

RABBI: She may be your Nineveh, Joel. This is what you're running away from. It may not be my field, but maybe by denying her Passover, you're denying her intimacy.

JOEL: Yeah, ok, but I mean, if it turns that out we're really serious about each other, I mean, that's a pretty basic conflict, isn't it?

RABBI: Potentially, yes. Isn't that what you're trying to avoid?

JOEL: Suppose I came to you and said we're going to get married? And she doesn't care about converting, we're gonna worry about the children later, I mean...what do you say to that?

RABBI: The cutting edge part of me says go and be happy, follow love wherever it leads you. My gut says, find a nice Jewish girl. We live in a very confusing age, Joel. Here we are, as close to the Almighty as we're liable to get in this life, and still there's no clarity. I mean, do you hear any voices? And the Lord spoke to Moses directly. There was no allegory involved. And what was Moses' problem? You don't like slavery? Get out of Egypt. What's to ponder?

JOEL: Yeah.

RABBI: Be strong and of good courage.

[Train starts again.]

We're moving.

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[Next day: Maggie and others searching for Joel on the lake's shore.]

MAGGIE: He knows how to swim, he probably just swam ashore, right?

SHELLY: I'm sure he's ok, Maggie, I mean, come on, he's a doctor.

HOLLING: What could smash this boat to pieces?

HOLLING [to Chris, who has picked up something from the shore]: What is it?

CHRIS: A ticket to Shea Stadium.

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[Ed, sitting outside of Ruth-Anne's closed store, keeping guard.]

ED [to folks pausing at the door]: Just keep moving. Ruth-Anne!

RUTH-ANNE: What are you doing, Ed?

ED: Oh, nothing. Oh, well, just watching. Are you all right?

RUTH-ANNE: Oh, fine. Well, thank you for minding the store. Let's open up, ok?

ED: All right!!

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[The search party finds Joel lying asleep on the shore.]

MARILYN: Over here!

MAGGIE: Fleischman? Fleischman? Come on, Fleischman, talk to me. Oh, he's ok! Are you ok?

JOEL: Oh. Where's the Rabbi?

MAGGIE: What rabbi?

HOLLING: You had a boating accident, Joel.

WALT: I must have dozed off, Joel.

JOEL: Yeah, I was running out a line, and I got in a little boat, and the fish pulled me out.

MAGGIE: Then what happened?

JOEL: I don't know. I guess I fell asleep.

SHELLY: How'd you get here?

JOEL: I think the fish brought me.

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[Holling is back at his paint-by-numbers in their apartment.]

SHELLY: Awesome, H. It's even closer than the last time.

HOLLING: This one is for Walt. I'm starting a seascape for Lowell Grippo next.

SHELLY: "Cape Cod Morning"?

HOLLING: That's the one.

SHELLY: You're cranking 'em out like sausages, babe.

HOLLING: You know, Shel, Chris says it's all in the doing, but to tell you the truth, I think there's a lot to be said for the having.

SHELLY: Me too.

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[Seder at Joel's cabin with Maggie, Marilyn, Ed, and others.]

JOEL: Ok, here we go, page ten, please. Uhm, Marilyn, why don't you tell us about the carpas if you would, which is the parsley.

MARILYN: Ok. The carpas--

JOEL: You have to pick it up.

MARILYN: Oh. The carpas represents our gratitude to God for the founding of the earth. We dip it in salt water to remind us of the tears our ancestors shed when we were slaves in the land of Egypt.

JOEL: Very nice. Ok, everyone, you dip the carpas, and you can eat it if you like. Ok, next page, everyone. Maggie, why don't you tell us about the matzoh, if you would.

MAGGIE: Behold the bread of affliction our ancestors ate when we were slaves in the land of Egypt. Let it remind us of people everywhere who are poor and hungry. Let it call to our minds people today who are still enslaved and without freedom. May all in need come and celebrate Passover with us. May God redeem us from all servitude and trouble. Next year at this season, may the whole house of Israel be free, and may all people enjoy liberty, justice, and peace.

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NX Episode Transcripts

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