by
Jan Nagurski
I don't know where I heard it, but the story goes something like this...
A mother was passing her daughter's bedroom one night when she thought she heard voices from within. Upon opening the door she saw her daughter kneeling as if in prayer saying "...D,E,F,G,H,I,J ... "
In reply to her mothers obvious question the daughter said, "I didn't know what to say to God tonight, so I was saying all the letters of the alphabet and letting God put them in the right order 'cause He knows what is in my heart."
Child like innocence, to be sure, but a world of truth in her prayer too. I don't know why the story stuck with me, but it hit me that I pretty much feel the same way as that child did, whenever I pray about my being a crossdresser.
It's true, I don't recite the alphabet and then say to God to do the rest. What I usually do, however, is to pray something like this:
"God You know what is in my heart. Please look into that heart, past all the outward trappings, and see the real me, whether masculine or feminine, and know that I love You.
I don't know why You made me like I am, but I do know that You don't make mistakes. So whatever reason, dear God, I am who I am because You have willed it.
You know that whenever I am dressed as a woman I don't mock them or You, but rather I give them the highest praise that I possibly can. In my own way I am paying homage to one of your greatest creations -- woman. Surely, that cannot be wrong.
Please help me, Lord, to understand why You made me like this, and if that is not Your wish, please help me to accept myself as I am until I do understand.
I love You, Lord. Look past the clothing and see the love.
Amen."
So in my own way, I am very much like that young girl. I am asking God to look into my heart and see what is truly there. I am asking him to take all the words I pray or think and, like the letters of the child's alphabet put them "in the right order, 'cause he knows what's in my heart."
