The Anonymous Crossdresser

"The Anonymous Crossdresser"

For those first thirteen months, crossdressing was simply a response to nature, pure sexual in thought and action. However, on December 22, 1988 something weird happened. Mikki Beth became a part of my life. As I stood in front of the mirror that night, I saw and felt a totally different me. I was a different self, didn't know what, just that it was different. My education began three days after Christmas, as I devoured anything which may suggest an explanation for these feelings of a new self, and a feminine one at that. A short four months later, I told my wife everything about me and all I knew about the subject.
It would be a nice romantic love story to say that she understood all, and everyone lived happily ever after – HOWEVER !! My wife had all the natural concerns and fears of any wife, however, she also gave me great support to "find myself". In the course of this endeavor, I found her and my God – not a bad tradeoff. It would take another book to relate how our lives changed (and still is changing) from the moment I revealed to her I was a crossdresser. Suffice to say, it brought communications between us, it brought individual growth to both of us. For me, I found a hidden need to need, and she found the strength to give that need. We found a new relationship; in short, one much better than the old, for instead of just husband and wife, we also became best friends, each other's confident.
The second great reaction to my crossdressing was the finding of my God. Just when things were at their best, depression struck. My wife and I were in what I call our "Camelot" stage of life. I was beginning to "come out" with my dressing feelings, she was supportive (though non-participatory) of them; it truly was a new and exciting life for both of us. But suddenly, after approximately one year of this "Camelot", questions which didn't have answers arose in my mind. Mainly, it dealt with how far was I going to go with this thing, what did it mean to me, and what right did I have to expect my wife to accept this carte` blanche, as a normal happening?
To say I was confused and full of guilt would be an understatement. I went looking for my God for words of understanding and comfort, and found to my horror that as with my wife, I really didn't know Him either. I shut myself up in my office for three days with nothing but His Word, and for the first time in my life, read that Great Book though the tears in my eyes. The time to find Him was only three days, but the journey to know Him took another two years. If I was lookin' for fire and brimstone to cast the feminine from me, I was sadly disappointed. I found a loving God instead, one who created me for His purpose, and loves me as he created me. Very early I came to the conclusion that the sin was not in the creation, but in my attempts to screw around with, and change His creation.
Reprinted from Grace & Lace
September 9, 1992

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