"God's Special Gift"

by

Barbara Jean Jasen

I followed in the way of the Lord all the time I was in the Navy, and I continued a few months after I was discharged. But then like for so many Christians, I backslid. I guess my downfall was Math 21:22 "Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive." I was lonely, and the one thing I wanted was a wife and family of my own. I had prayed to God for a good Christian wife, and yet I didn't even have a girlfriend. I felt as if my prayers had been ignored, and with loneliness and depression setting in, I drifted from the church and God vowing that I would return only after I got that family I wanted so badly.

As Christians we at times have a bad habit of taking a Bible verse out of context. Duet. 22:5 is just one such verse. For the crossdresser it can make him feel as if he has been condemned by God, that God does not want him. For many years society has proclaimed us to be Gay, and to listen to preachers like Jerry Fawell only helped to drive me further from God. To make matters worse, for so many years it seems that when I would meet someone who professed to be born again, they only showed themselves to me to be hypocrites and bigots. Still I yearned to be close to god, but how could I if God did not want me.

I recall a time when I was a child I wanted a sister very bad. I once wrote a letter to the local welfare department asking to adopt a girl, and then signed my father's name to that letter. This stunt virtually cost me a trip to the proverbial woodshed. As a crossdresser, when I look into my address book I find the I have the names and addresses of well over 200 sisters.

It was perhaps 5 or 6 years ago that I wrote to Lee Frances seeking information on the Beta Chi Chapter of TRI-ESS. Like all crossdressers, I sought to meet others, to be part of a group, and Beta Chi was the closest group to Memphis. Lee and I developed a friendship, and when she started Grace and Lace letter, she put me on the mailing list. In one of the early issues was the Alphabet prayer by Jan Nagurski. It was through that poem that I realized that I was not outcast from God, that He did want me, and more important I realized that I was a crossdresser because God wanted me to be a crossdresser. I soon realized that God had a special purpose in life for me, and my being a crossdresser was but a necessity to fulfilling that purpose.

About 2 years ago I met Barbara Smith. Barbara was also an ordained minister and a transsexual. She was studying for her Master of Divinity degree when she came out. One day she asked me if I would like to go to church with her at Holy Trinity, and I agreed. Here I found an entire church with people who knew God's love and reflected it in the way they treat others. I soon became a member, and I have attended almost every Sunday.

Today I have my wife and a wonderful son. While I do not recall ever turning to God and asking Him for a sister, one look in my address book and I know I have received in abundance. I cannot help but feel that somewhere out there I have a sister, a sister who is where I once was, yearning to be close to God, and fearing that God does not want her. Like me, she is in need of a sister to reassure her that God loves her, and that Jesus died as much for her as he did for the religious right.