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Dr Keel's Alternative Episode Guide
The Rules
Simple. Even a Professionals fan could work it out. Take an Avengers episode title and change/remove as little as possible to provide an amusing alternative. Then add your own brief synopsis. You can play it down the pub, in the bath, at the hairdressers or at the airport. It's hours of fun.
The Preposterous Project
I have started off the episode guide with a few examples. Now I want you to send in your own efforts. Submissions will be credited and you can send in as many/few as you want. There will be a prize for the best entry. Dr Keel reserves the right to refuse entries on the grounds of decency/taste (but I wouldn't worry, he's a pretty broad-minded sort of chap.)
* Update: Following several enquiries, Dr Keel has approved the inclusion of titles from "The" New Avengers, providing they meet the "Gareth Hunt Gag Criteria." Therefore, any entries received for The "New" Avengers which are as amusing as Gareth's attempt at an Irish accent will be included.
* Duplicate entries are included for some stories
The Alternative Episode Guide
(Episodes listed in UK transmission order)
Season One (Dr Keel)
Hot Snot - A gang of men with particularly full handkerchiefs kill Dr Keel's fiance, Peggy.
Brought To Look - Dr Keel takes Steed to the scene of Peggy's murder and makes him stare.
Square Root of Evil Knevil - Our duo is called in to investigate a sudden outbreak of daredevil stunts plaguing London.
Nightfare - Keel is troubled by the rising cost of off-peak commuting.
or: Nightcare - Steed must sit out a mission because the neighbor made him babysit all night.
Crescent Loon - One of Dr Keel's patients starts turning hairy once a month.
Gurney on the Trapeze - Keel must make a house call on an ailing high-wire stunt troupe.
Diana Cut Diamond - Featuring a future Avengers star in a small role as a jeweller.
The Radioactive Map - A mad cartographer devises a bizarre scheme to destroy the world by spreading radiation sickness amongst lost motorists.
Ashes of Noses - Something has gone horribly wrong at a handkerchief manufacturer.
Hunt The Pan Down - Dr Keel's assistant learns the importance of keeping the bedpan handy in the surgery.
Please Don't Feed The Avengers - Steed and Keel are put on a strict diet after the show's producers decide they look like a couple of puddings.
Dance With Desmond - Steed raises an eyebrow when he finds out the identity of Dr Keel's new dancing partner...
The Sprinklers - Some diabolical type has been sabotaging the watering system of the Queen's gardens.
or: The Jerry Springers - Steed has something to tell Keel, which can only be said on national TV.
The Purple Needle — In a fit of domesticity, Steed takes up knitting and discovers the needles are color-coded! Can he break the code in time to knit Dr. Keel a humorous cummerbund for his birthday?
Death On The Flipway - Steed and Keel must investigate why people are dying in the middle of backflips.
Double Dangler - Steed is terribly embarrassed by a grave grammatical gaffe.
Boy Trap - Keel investigates an outbreak of cottaging in Chelsea.
or: Coy Trap - Steed and Keel decide to go fishing.
The Funnel Of Fear - Keel discovers that transferring urine samples from one container to another can be quite scary!
The Far Distant Dad - Strange case involving absentee fathers.
Kill The Bing - Can Keel and Steed save Crosby in time for another White Christmas?
Bed of Winter - Steed and Dr. Keel decide it's just too cold outside and decide to hibernate for the winter. Episode consists of various shots of them sleeping. Critics called the plot a real snoozer, but declined to comment on them sleeping in the same bed.
The Deadly Hair - Steed and Keel learn what it means to have a "bad hair day."
A Change of Mate — Somebody neglected to tell Steed that he would soon acquire a new partner.
or: A Change Of Rate - The Ministry is having financial troubles and unfortunately they have to reduce Steed's salary.
Season Two (Cathy Gale)
Mrs Teddy Bear - Cathy discovers the awful truth behind the mastermind...spousal abuse!
Propellant 21 - Stupid old Steed goes and investigates the wrong propellant by mistake.
The Arthropod - Knowing the PM has arachnophobia, a politician attempts to stage a coup disguised as a spider.
Bullshy - Cathy discovers a heretofore unknown fear of cattle.
Mission To Morecambe - Steed's holiday plans go disasterously wrong when he discovers he's booked into a clapped-out old English seaside resort by mistake.
The Removed Men - Steed is shocked to discover that the gang of villains he's after have already been taken away by someone.
Breath of a Great Dane - Steed and Mrs. Gale investigate an outbreak of canine halitosis.
The Spell-Out -The Ministry unwittingly hires a rather dense agent, and unfortunately it’s up to Steed to explain everything to him.
Death On The Blocks - Cathy and Steed are called to investigate the odd case of 100m sprinters dropping dead at the start of races.
Traitor in Wildebeest — The Armed Forces are running out of code names.
The Big Stinker — An epidemic of flatulence ravages London, and Cathy must use a supercomputer to determine the cause before they all die of asphyxiation.
Dearth Dispatch - London grinds to a halt when all the taxi company dispatchers stage a walk-out. (Brother, is *that* a stretch...!)
Dead Of Course - Cathy pays her first visit to a morgue, and is startled by what she finds.
Interchime - A diabolical mastermind devises a new secret weapon: Deadly doorbells.
Immortal Clap - Steed and Cathy are called in to discover why standing ovations are going on for a suspiciously long time.
Box of Ticks - A mysterious doctor with rather medieval ideas arrives with a magic box that cures people, but Steed and Venus discover that it's really just a new form of leeching.
Carlock - A group of Devil worshippers invent a new improvement to automobile security.
The Golden Legs — A biologist accidentally discovers a new form of hosiery, and uses Cathy as a guinea pig.
School for Tailors — At a new fashion institute, students who fail to win Steed’s approval are shown the door.
or: School for Tractors - Venus begins her new night school course on farming equipment.
The Red Dwarf - Steed and Cathy Gale encounter a bunch of smegheads from another dimension, who want to bore them to death with their photograph collection of 20th century telegraph poles, knock them out with their stiff as a board underwear, and bedazzle them with their overwhelming fashion sense in this lowest budget adventure of all.
Spam in the Mirror - Cathy is not especially fond of Steed's latest favorite breakfast fare.
Conspiracy Of Silliness - Group of Mafia men get up to no good by wearing red noses and adopting stupid walks.
A Chimney Of Frogs - Following freak showers of amphibians, Steed and Cathy must investigate the resultant deaths amongst London's chimney sweeps.
Six Hams Across A Table - A group of butchers try to determine the future of the meat industry.
Miller Whale - What on Earth can a large oceanic mammal be doing making flour?
Season Three (Cathy Gale)
Brief for Mulder - The Avengers team up with the X-Files crew for a case involving the suspected alien invasion of London. Look for the Cigar-Smoking Man in this one.
or: Briefs for Murder - Cathy tries to persuade Steed to wear boxer shorts, after an attack of killer Y-fronts.
The Undergarments - Steed and Cathy get into knickers.
Man With Two Shelves - Cathy and Steed investigate shady goings-on in a DIY store.
The Nutshop - Steed stocks up on some cashews.
Death of Batman — Steed discovers why The Joker is so happy these days.
November Jive - Steed and Cathy are invited to a dance.
The Gilded Sage - Steed takes up a strange new hobby....herb decoration.
Second Suit - Cathy takes Steed to the tailors for a spare set of clothes.
The Medicine Hen - Steed discovers a chicken that lays paracetamol.
The Grandeur That Was Chrome - Steed at last gets his Bentley's bumpers re-plated.
Don't Look At My Behind - Trouble for Steed as his bottom-slapping fetish gets him in hot water with some liberated ladies.
Death a la Cart - Steed and Cathy investigate a series of suspicious accidents at the local supermarket.
Addressed to Bill - Steed finally fires off that letter to the Times he'd been threatening to write.
The White Eggplant - Steed introduces Cathy to an unusual new culinary delight.
The Little Blunders - Steed has one of those days when every little thing seems to be going wrong...
Manfake — Cross-dressing comes under the scrutiny of The Avengers.
The Secret's Broken - Using their trusty decoder ring, Steed and Cathy finally figure out what that odd Chef's Special is on the Chinese take-out menu.
Trojan Hearse - Mad fella tries to get himself buried by hiding inside a coffin.
or: The Trojan House - Steed moves to a Trojan house and finds that there are still a couple of traps that haven't been deactivated.
Build A Better Mousetray - Mrs Gale goes undercover to investigate a litter-box for pet rodents.
The Farmers - Unsuspecting Londoners face a grave threat from their fresh vegetables.
Concert - Due to the runaway success of "Kinky Boots", Steed and Cathy play second on the bill to The Beatles. Girls don't scream....until they hear the song.
Esprit de Corpse — Steed and Cathy discover that the dead have formed a union to negotiate benefits.
Lobster Quaalude - Steed looks for a new partner when Cathy suddenly becomes addicted to seafood.
Season Four (Emma Peel b/w)
The Gown Of No Return - Steed's new partner Mrs Peel buys a new dress, but finds it won't fit and is dismayed to find the shop won't change it.
The Gravesingers — The Avengers investigate dead rock stars.
The Fibrenauts - Steed and Mrs. Peel battle a gang of vicious health nazis who plan to replace the world's food supply with tofu, flavourless nutty fruit bars, and unrefined sugar.
or: The Cybernuts - Mechanical peanuts try to rule the world!
Health At Bargain Prices - A pharmacy holds a cut-price sale. Steed goes to pick-up some cheap drugs.
or: A Dearth of Bargain Prizes - In which Steed leaves the Reader's Digest and Emma's number never comes up.
Cattle De'ath - A Scottish castle is mysteriously overrun with cows.
or: Hassle De'ath - Steed and Emma discover that rushing doesn't do any good.
A Surfeit of HMO — The Avengers learn that too much health care can be deadly.
The Shower That Never Was - Steed plays a vigorous game of squash, Emma holds her nose.
Dial A Deadly Plumber - London stockbrokers are found bludgeoned to death with wrenches and lead pipes.
Man-Hater Of Surrey Green - Dotty old woman grows to enourmous size and starts killing every male within a 10 mile radius.
or: Mad-Hatter of Surrey Green - Steed and Emma have to catch a character escaped from a certain children's book.
or: The Bad Heater of Surrey Green - In which Steed feels the chill and Emma's light goes out.
Two's A Crow - Enemy agents devise a stupid plan to disguise a big bird as Steed.
Too Many Christmas Fees - Emma did just a bit of over-shopping this holiday...
Silent Lust - Emma shops for a new leather wardrobe while Steed watches longingly...
or: Silent Rust - In which Steed seizes up and Emma fails to shine.
Room Without a Pew - Someone is stealing all the seats from the churches of London!
or: Groom Without a Clue - In which Steed suffers wedding night nerves and Mrs Peel is not needed.
Small Game For Fig Hunters - Mad colonial chap grows lots of fruit in his house.
The Girl From Pantie - Emma unfortunately discovers Steed's latest fetish.
The Thirteenth Hope - Steed and Emma face their worst case yet, Britain is being swamped with awful Bob Hope movies!
The Quick Quick Plow Death - Those dastardly farmers are at it yet again!
The Danger Maters - Even Emma blushes when she discovers what a group of posh types get up to at weekends in a big house.
A Touch of Brickstone - Emma and Steed run across a dangerous gang of brick-nappers - a threat to the British building industry!
or: A Touch of Limestone - Steed dons a whalebone corset and dog-collar to redo his bathroom. (Banned in the United States.)
What The Butler Sawed - Mad butler with a chainsaw runs amok.
The House That Smack Built - Steed and Emma take on some Heroin addicts who have hidden themselves in a bizarre maze-like house that's like totally tripping, dude!
A Tense of History - Emma gives Steed a lesson in proper grammar.
How To Succeed...at Monopoly - To pass a rainy day, Steed passes on his tips for his favourite board game.
Homey For the Prince - The artist later known as Prince takes a liking to Steed and makes him a homeboy.
or: Money For A Prince - Steed gets an extremly large bill from somebody named Prince but finds that if he pays it he will have to give up champange for a month!
Season Five (Emma Peel col.)
From Pen*s With Love - Steed and Emma raise an eyebrow when they discover the truth behind Professor Primble's dazzling weapon....
The Beer Merchants — Steed becomes suspicious of a local pub owner’s efforts to sabotage the wine industry.
Escape in Thyme — Steed becomes a Master Chef, and Emma enjoys a feast.
The Pee-Through Man - I don't think I want to get into this one.
The Bird Who Flew Too Much - Top-secret papers are possibly lost for good when a stubborn carrier pigeon simply won't come down.
The Singed Avenger - Steed used just a bit too much starter fluid in his new charcoal grill. (Note: Contains the famous line "EEE-BURP!!")
The Living Deaf - Hard of hearing folk build an underground base because they feel like it.
or: The Living Bread - Emma left that loaf in the breadbox for a little too long.
or even: The Living Hat - Steed's worst nightmare comes true when he discovers that his bowler is alive!
The Hidden Tightrope - A bunch of diabolical fiends upset circus folk by hiding the high-wire.
or: The Hidden Tigger - Winnie Pooh's friend gets lost and guess who's gotta find him?
The Correct Way To Kick - Steed goes for some soccer lessons.
Never, Never Say Dice - Christopher Lee plays a superstitious gambler.
Epicure - Robin Leech interviews Steed and Emma.
The Superlaxative Seven - Uh-oh, big trouble down at the chemist's. This is one mopping-up operation Steed is not looking forward to.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom — Use your imagination. (Note: This is a sequel to "The Superlaxitive Seven.")
Something Tasty In The Nursery - A crooked nanny cooks gourmet grub for kids. (Note: This episode begins with Steed saying "Mrs Peel.....we're feeded.") (Note#2: This episode was advertised on DVD Empire's website as "Something Nasty In New Jersey"!)
The Poker - Emma faces an emotional dilemma when Steed snaps and begins poking cummuters with his brolly in Victoria Station.
How's Who? - Emma enquires after Steed's time-traveling cousin.
or: Who's 'Who'? - Steed and Emma argue about their favourite Dr Who episode.
The Return of the Fibrenauts - with Peter Cushing as a wealthy health food manufacturer who wants to avenge his brother's death by severe McDonald's coffee burns.
Health's Door - Steed plans to release a keep-fit video which involves exercising by swinging a door open and shut.
The 50,000 Pancake Breakfast - Steed and Emma investigate a bizarre death by overeating.
Dead Man's Turnip - An eccentric millionaire gets assorted folk to drive around the countryside looking for his lost root vegetable.
You have Just been Mustard - Cannibal elements infiltrate London and use millionaires as sandwich condiments.
The Negative Positive Man - Seems the electrician got Steed's wires crossed.
or: The Positively Negative Man - Steed and Emma investigate an outbreak of endless grousing in Chelsea. The source seems to be a very unpleasant person.
Murderswill - A quiet village is shocked to discover a local farmer is killing by people by drowning them in pig feed.
Mission.... Highly Importable - The Avengers learn just how tough it is to break into the American television market.
Season Six (Tara King)
The Forget-Me-Knitting - Steed says goodbye to Emma, who then pops back to pick-up her wool and knitting needles which she left in his flat.
Fame - Linda Thorson is dismayed to discover no-one has ever heard of her.
or: Lame-Steed gives his one word opinion on Tara's new wig.
Super Secret Cycle Snatch - London awakes one morning to find every bicycle has been stolen!
You'll Catch Your Wealth - Millionaires are humiliated as all their money is thrown off the top of tall buildings and they are forced to try and catch it.
Spit! — Steed and Tara nail a diabolical mastermind on an obscure ordinance regarding expectoration in public.
or: Spilt! - In which Steed drops the peroxide and Tara makes a blonde joke.
Whoever Shampooed Poor George Oblique Stroke XR40? - Steed and Tara must stop a group of fiendish computer cleaners.
False Fitness - Tara learns that Steed hasn't been visiting the health spa after all.
All Gone With Mirrors - Naughty crooks steal every mirror in Britain.
Lethargy Of Death - Steed and Tara investigate a strange outbreak of death by tiredness.
Spoon-Doomsday - An old enemy plans to kill Steed....but he is shaken, not stirred.
Look - (stop me if you've heard this one) But There Were These Two Sellers... - Steed and Tara suspect that someone is impersonating Peter Sellers. (A real groaner.)
or: Look(stop me if you've heard this one)But There Were These Two Cellars - Steed discovers a rich man with two, full, wine cellars and samples a bit too much.
Have Guns-Will Wiggle - Steed and Tara bump into a group of dancing arms dealers.
They Keep Kidding Steed - Mother assures Steed that there will be another season of the Avengers.
or: They Keep Filling Steed - Tara invites Steed over for dinner and forces him to eat everything because she doesn't want leftovers.
or: They Keep Billing Steed - The Gasboard keep sending Steed reminders.
The Potters - Steed and Tara foil a dastardly plan to swamp England with crockery.
or: The Trotters - In which Steed tackles an Indian and Tara can't stop running. (A spin-off from the superlaxative seven.)
Invasion Of The Earman - Tara is shocked into wearing a blonde wig when she and Steed encounter a group of Star Trek fans wearing Spock ears.
or: Invasion of the Mr Men - Roger Hargreaves' great literary creations decide to invade space. (Narrated by Arthur Lowe.)
Driller - Steed takes his posh new partner to the dentist.
The Morning Laughter - People just can't control themselves when they see Tara right after she's just gotten up.
or: The Morning After Pill - Tara visits her doctor after spending the night at Steed's place, whatever did they get up too?
The Curious Case of the Countless Flues — An ambitious chimneysweep comes under suspicion when fireplaces suddenly begin cropping up in unlikely places, including supermarkets, taxis and phone booths.
Wish You Were Her - Mother is shocked to discover Steed longs for a return to the days when his partner didn't wear a blonde wig.
Love Fall - Steed and Tara must work-out how a drug that makes people appreciate the Autumn can possible pose a threat to national security. (Note: The "o" in Love was represented by a leaf in the title sequence.)
Stay Tooned - "The Avengers" returns as an animated series!
Take Me To Your Feeder — Steed and Tara must face the horrible truth: They’re both overweight.
Smog - And you thought the air in Los Angeles was bad...
Who was that John Inman I saw you With? - Tara faces accusations of being a traitor after being seen with an employee of Grace Brothers Department Store, but in reality she is only seeking advice on what type of underwear she should buy for Steed.
Homicide And Old Lamps - Mother tells the curious story of a series of murders with second-hand lighting.
Thinguma Jig - Tara teaches Steed a neat new dance step--but she can't remember its name.
My Wet Dream - Do you really expect me to describe this?
Make-Over - Tara finally gets a decent wig.
Panama - Sensing that the series is getting a bit tired, Steed opts for a change of head-gear.
Get-A-Life! - What a certain Avengers webmaster needs to do.
Bazaar - Steed learns that Tara is a shop-a-holic.
The New Avengers
The Beagle's Nest - Gambit acquires a house pet with a coat almost as shaggy as his.
House Of Carps - Steed smells something fishy.....and it's not the contents of Gambit's trousers.
The Last of the Fibrenauts...?? - Is tofu really dead? No, he's back with a vengeance! A wealthy Hong Kong entrepreneur and health food nut, Chang Tofu, wants to avenge his horrible disfigurement from an explosive incident involving Steed, Gambit and Purdey at a corn syrup processing plant.
The Midas Couch — Watch out for that deadly spring in the middle.
Fat Amongst The Pigeons - Over-weight man sits in Trafalgar Square.
To Hatch A Rat - A round-the-bend scientist must be stopped from completing his strange genetic experiments.
or: To Catch A Mat - The New Avengers missions are going downhill fast.
Tale of the Big Buy - Purdey regales Steed and Gambit with the details of her latest shopping spree.
or: The Tale of the Big Y-fronts - The big killer pants are back! And this time they're after Purdey! (Note: This is a sequel to the Season 3 episode "Briefs for Murder".)
Snores - The New Avengers are called down into the sewers after complaints that a sleeping rat is keeping people awake.
Dirtier By The Frozen - During an undercover job, Gambit discovers that being a freezer repair man can be a messy occupation.
Sleepier - It's 8 AM already, and Steed is alarmed to find that Purdey and Gambit still aren't up yet. (It's tough staying awake through this one.)
The Two-Handed Game - The producers finally get wise about Gambit.
Deaf Men Are Dangerous — The importance of regular hearing tests becomes evident when Gambit thinks Steed asked him for a date when he’d actually told him to wait.
Angles Of Death - Gambit is in a tight corner when he faces death by trigonometry.
Medium Bare - The French backers didn't quite get what they wanted for Purdey's wardrobe.
The Lion And The Uniform - Big cat disguises itself as a Brigadier.
Abstention - Steed decides to sit this one out.
Trip - There's only one explanation for Gambit's latest perm.....Steed has been slipping something dodgy in his coffee.
Heritage - Purdey is captured and made to look at a slide show of English stately homes and castles.
K is for Kilt, Part 1 - Purdey is curious about that old saying and does some research.
K is for Kilt, Part 2 - Gambit obliges Purdey with a little fashion show. Steed is the MC.
Comtrex — Purdey and Gambit compare the effectiveness of various cold remedies. (Long awaited sequel to Hot Snot.)
Foreword Base - During a dark and stormy night, The Avengers descend upon the secret headquarters of an organization of terrible writers.
The Radiators - Steed's Bentley is back in the shop yet again!
Emily-Sue — Gambit enjoys a roll in the hay with some chicks from the sticks. Yee-Ha!
Contributors so far:
Birgit Schindlbeck, Misty King, Lee Tench, Frank Stone, Tricia Toyota, Mike Phillips, Andrew Moodie, Kevin Smith, Pete Thomas, Peggy Clarke, David K Smith, Leslie Smith, Precious Little, Thomas Ferguson, Simon Judd, Mark Gratton, David Edge, Neil Ashar.
Dr Keel's Alternative Episode Guide - better than a syringe full of Hydrochloric acid