ASK
GAMBIT
Broken heart? Leaking pipe? Lost cat? Problem with coastlines?
Now your worries are at an end, because you can "Ask Gambit"
Gambit is an international agent with a wealth of experience in DIY, trivia and matters of the heart. So, take advantage of this man of the world and send-in your problems and posers for Mr Gambit to resolve. No job is too big or too small! (That's enough innuendo thankyou - ED)
Baz Riley from Ohio asks: "Dear Gambit, i've been having problems with my girlfriend Julie. Every so often she goes all moody on me and won't speak. What can I do?"
Gambit answers : "Well Baz, there's one thing you should remember. She's Julie.....and she's a woman."
Tim Cornish from Wales asks "I am seeing a boy at the moment but his parents don't like me. How can I ever speak to him on the telephone? It's really frustrating."
Gambit answers: "Try adopting an Irish accent. If you are as skilled at this as I am, no-one will ever suspect it's you."
Sue Pearce from Chile asks "What's the best way to rid your house of insects in summer?"
Gambit answers: "No problem Sue. Just take a fly spray can and adopt a shooting stance. The little bleeders will know you mean business and fly away immediately. You won't even need to use the fly spray!"
Peter Howard of London asks "My mother is getting on a bit and keeps sitting in her chair babbling on about bees. What can I do?"
Gambit answers: "Just remember, she's your mother.....and she's a woman."
Lucy Fielding of New Jersey asks "Who was the best James Bond?"
Gambit answers: "Marvellous chaps...all of them."
Trevor Hacker from Kent asks "What is the chance of the Earth being destroyed by an asteroid in the next fifty years?"
Gambit answers: "I wouldn't worry about it pal. Just live for the moment."
Lisa Lucas of Genoa asks "Where I live there is a real problem with pigeons. They make a lot of mess on the buildings and wake me up in the mornings with their noise. What can I do?"
Gambit answers: "Take 'em out with a .33. What you need is a real crack-shot like me. I'm the best in the business. Say...what are you doing next weekend?"
Harry Hilton of Leeds asks "My girlfriend has dumped me. What can I do?"
Gambit answers: "Take her the biggest bottle of champagne you can find. Get her to go through some files with you while you sweet talk her. Take her out to dinner. Take her home. In short....wine her, dine her, (CENSORED - ED)"
Brian Harvey of Denver asks "Can an Emu fly?"
Gambit answers: "Sure as hell would if it had a .44 bazooka shot up it's backside. What you need is a real crack-shot like me. I'm the best in the business. Say...what are you doing next weekend?"
Gambit answers: "Well mystery man, it's a difficult thing to learn - you've either got it or you haven't. Still, there are a few points to remember. 1) Get yourself a decent hair stylist - girls love a good perm to run their fingers through. 2) Practice that tough look in the mirror each morning - just gaze at your reflection and think rugged. I find growling sometimes helps. 3) Get a decent car - the faster the better. 4) Dress to impress - you know what they say about the size of a man's flares..... 5) Girls love an Irish accent. 6) Always make an entrance - preferably by breaking-down the door. 7) Remember the old adage "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." I hope that's useful."
Traci from Maryland asks "What is your idea of the perfect date?"
Gambit answers: "Well Traci, if I were taking a chick out (which I frequently do), i'd start off with a high speed drive around some country lanes in my Jaguar XJS, just to get the blood rushing through her veins. I normally find that I have little difficulty in "driving" women wild! Anyway, after that i'd stop-off at the department's firing range for a pleasant afternoons shooting practice. I think you can tell a lot about a girl from the way she handles a gun and i'm sure any lucky lady would be impressed with my weapon! After that it would be back to my place to freshen-up (allowing me plenty of opportunities to catch her by surprise while she's wrapped in a towel) and then out for dinner. I know a very pleasant little Irish restaurant called "O'Reilly's" where I practice my accent - they seem to find it very amusing for some reason, but they're very friendly people. After a romantic candlelit steak & kidney pie with all the trimmings, it would be off to the grooviest discotheque in town where i'd show her a few moves she won't have seen before. Then back to mine for coffee and i'll show her a few more moves she won't have seen before! A little "undercover" work, shall we say? I hope that's answered your question."
Julie from England asks "Is your hair naturally curly or is it permed? If it is naturally curly have you ever thought about using a hair straightener and going for a different look? I bought one recently only £24.99 from Boots. P.S Are you the same Gambit who recently appeared in panto at Mansfield as Captain Hook? If it was you, then I'd lose the wig."
Gambit replys: "Well Julie my hair is naturally curly, i'm very proud to say. They do say it is a sign of virility you know and in my case they could well be right! I would never get it staightened as I think it would ruin my image and also i'd have nowhere to hide things if I were captured by the enemy - very useful you see, curly hair. I did do some undercover work recently in Mansfield, but i'd appreciate it if you kept quiet about that."
Miguel Midi Dia of Noonland asks "Dear Gambit, I have a real problem that a man of action like yourself should be able to solve. I hope. I keep mixing up Manet and Monet. Is there a tried and tested method of keeping your early and late Impressionist painters apart? I am not French. Nor Canadian."
Gambit replys: "Well Miguel, I have to admit being a bit flummoxed by this question. When you say these characters are "impressionists", do you mean like that Mike Yarwood bloke off the telly? Personally, I have as little to do as possible with the French (see below), but if it's advice on impressions you want, i'm your man. As you've probably heard, I do a pretty convincing Irish accent. It's just a matter of practice really. Why would anyone want to impersonate a painter anyway?"
Chris Johnson of Leicestershire asks "Any advice on dealing with the French?"
Gambit answers: "Well, my advice is ignore 'em. I tell you one thing - they ask you to do a job and then don't pay you. Don't trust 'em mate. That's the fellas of course......the ladies are a different matter. Let's just say in that department I've done a lot for Anglo/French relations, know what I mean?"
Mike Noon of Manchester asks "What's a voice-over?"
Gambit replys: "A "voice-over" is a technical term used by secret agents when performing undercover work. Used extensively during the cold war, the method involves an agent broadcasting a seemingly innocuous message via the media (television or radio) and including subliminal messages to control and confuse enemy oporatives. A celebrated case were the hidden message in a 1970's coffee commercial on British TV which through the subtle use of hand-gestures encouraged foreign spies to go and masturbate themselves to death. The mission was so successful it completely wiped-out the infamous "Basingstoke Ring" of sixty-nine Soviet agents. Many agents, although retired from active service, still practice "voice-over" work as it offers a means to continue with the service without the enemy seeing how ridiculously old and overweight they are. It pays well too."
Sarah Jenkins of Tiptree asks "Are you anything to do with the 1970's gameshow 'Gambit'?"
Gambit answers: "Look love....do you think a secret agent like me would have anything to do with something as crummy as a game-show? Yes, I know that some of Steed's former partners (naming no names) have been known to appear on them-but that's strictly in the line of business. Nice question......and if you play your cards right it could still be a big night for you, know what I mean?"
Thomas Ferguson of no fixed abode asks "What is Purdey's last name"?
Gambit replys: "Well Tom, it isn't polite to ask such questions about a lady and if there's one thing you can say about Purdey, it's that she is a lady........and a woman. Anyway, if you knew what her second name was then you could find her in the phone book and that would blow her cover - security you see, very important. The real reason though that she never uses her second name is that it's too long to fit on the back of a motorbiking jacket. Now you know."
Mike Bagmit of Pringby, Australia asks "You are obviouly a big hero of mine. I may be confusing you with an ageing actor whose name some people take for rhyming slang but some years ago you did some undercover work posing as coffee seller. I'm sure you and all other true Gambit fans will remember. I remember one scenario where you were up a ladder decorating (fantastic undercover ploy). Needless to say your hair was spotless, not a drip of paint on it. Anyway, my question. What brand and shade of paint did you use on the staircase for I think it would look lovely in my dining room?"
Gambit answers: "Thanks Mike. Yeh I remember that undercover mission well, but then i've always found the smell of coffee attractive on a woman.....Anyway as for the paint, I seem to recall that it was called "Cafe Noir" or something like that. I can't really be sure, as it was a long time ago. Why do you want to spend your time decorating anyway? The closest I get to that type of thing is when i'm out at some groovy night-spot painting the town red - or when i'm giving some foreign agent a pasting - ha, ha!"
John Steed from London wants to know "Gambit why are you in my show? You're cool and all but I really never liked you? Why gambit why?"
Gambit replys: "Listen Steed old boy. You know that you needed me to handle the rough stuff (and i'm not talking about the women - ha ha.) But I have to say, it was really great working with you, I learnt a lot. Not least, how to give a great performance after half a bottle of champagne, know what I mean mate? By the way, have you got one of those stairlift things installed in the mews flat yet?"
"Dear Mr. Gambit or may we say Mike (giggles)...We are three still good looking and highly intellectual ladies in their best years with very intriguing pasts... We are considering sending you a letter for quite a while (every Saturday when we gather for tea.) We feel very uncomfortable about this but our question is...err...What's your phone number? With admiration Mrs Emma P., Mrs Cathy G. and Miss Tara K."
Gambit replys: "Hmmm......'very intriguing pasts' eh? Now if it had been very intriguing pants, I might have let you have my number......... Love Mike xxxxx"
Simon Harris, from London asks/shouts: "DEAR GAMBIT, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW MANY CROCS YOU HAVE WRESTLED IN THE PAST AND WHEN YOU WERE IN THE NAVY,WERE YOU ATTRACTED TO THE OTHER MEN AND DID THEY ASK YOU TO DO YOUR CONVINCING IRISH ACCENT AS A TURN ON?"
Gambit answers: "Well Simon, I don't remember wrestling any crocs as such. The only old croc on The New Avengers was Pat Macne - ha, ha! As for the remainder of your question, I would prefer not to comment. Just remember the words of that old Village People classic....'In the navy, you can do whatever you please.' Know what I mean son? Mike xxxx"
Pete from South London writes: "Alright, Mick Dimwit or whatever you call yourself, if you're so good, how come Purdey fancied Steed more? Give up? You should do!! HA,ha,ha,HA. Sorry. That was a bad joke at your expense. What I really want, mate, is some fashion advice. Do you go to Oxfam or Asda for that clobber?"
Gambit replys: "No 'mate', I have my own tailor.....and I love it when she takes my inside leg measurement, know what I mean? Ha ha ha ha!"
Simon Harris of London asks: "How are you mate? I would like to know if you have any good D.I.Y tips, as I understand a few years ago you were obsessed with doing up ya house and your poor neighbour , a widow - you were driving her up the wall with your "D.I.Y Tomfoolery", and why were you going under the alias of 'Vince Tulley'? Anyway whats the quickest way to strip old wallpaper off the wall?"
Gambit replys: "Hi Simon, I'm very well thank you. You are quite right, I did do an undercover mission once using the pseudonym 'Vince Tulley', but i'm afraid I can't go into the details of that. As far as your DIY question is concerned, the best method I know to ensure quick stripping is a bucket-full of gin and tonic! Ha, ha, ha! All the best mate."
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