THE CARDINAL

A One Act Comedy by Darwin Hageman

The set is a room lined with shelves of books, there are tables and lamps, and the lamps are all lighted. There is an enormous armchair. The Cardinal, through a door left stage, enters in his flaming red robes and hat, and flops in the chair.
His servant Hesperus with a pad and a pen, enters.

Hesperus

Your Eminence?

Cardinal

I am here. I am truly and really here. Were you ever in a place, Hesperus, where you belonged? And you knew the difference, from when you were in a place you did not belong? Today, I was at the blessing of some statue. I don't even remember what statue it was. And it was raining. And everybody kept handing me umbrellas, and I kept handing them back to them. I was raised on a Ligurian farm, after all, and we did not worry about rain. I did not belong at that place, blessing that statue, and I knew it. Obeying rules and regulations at times is not the solution.

Hesperus

What is a Ligurian farm? Your Eminence.

Cardinal

It's a region in the north.

Hesperus

North of what? Or how much north?

Cardinal

You don't have to write all of this down, Hesperus, I am only talking to you, but you did not answer my question.

Hesperus

What question, your Eminence?

Cardinal

Were you ever in a place where you belonged?

Hesperus

(Putting the pen in his mouth so he can think) Yes, when I am in bed.

Cardinal

Do you sleep, Hesperus? I always felt you were one of those immortals they are always talking about that are always there, by some strange act of character, always there whenever I ask for you, you are always dressed, you seem to never sleep or eat or go to the bathroom. I do all of those things, but you never seem to have to.

Hesperus

Those are the things that in polite society, one never mentions.

Cardinal

What things in polite society are we not supposed to mention?

Hesperus

Everything that you just mentioned.

Cardinal

More rules and regulations. Well, I just mentioned them, so they are mentioned, but don't write it down. Hesperus, I have come home with an important thought, and I want my beard.

Hesperus

Your what, Cardinal?

Cardinal

I want my beard!

Hesperus

But you don't have a beard. I shave you every morning. Meaning, that a beard is not something you can simply have miraculously overnight, they take time to grow.

Cardinal

No, I mean the beard I wore to that masquerade ball last Christmas.

Hesperus

Oh, dear. I'm afraid that was lost. Somebody pulled it off your face as a souvenir. They are probably going to turn it into a relic.

Cardinal

Then you will have to go out and buy me a new one. Hesperus, I have missed being where I belong. I was born on a farm. It is not that I want to go back to the farm, for I have my sense of responsibility. But those people today kissing the hem of my robe, kissing my hand, constantly putting an umbrella over my head, as if I were some - yes - you said it just now - relic! I am not a relic, I am a living human being. I want to disguise myself and go to an ordinary trattoria, and eat dinner and be with the people.

Hesperus

What a sad thing to say.

Cardinal

Why is it sad? Now, don't make me cry, you know how emotional I am.

Hesperus

You would take away from all those people, from all of us, what we admire most? In order to be like us? That is very sad.

Cardinal

I told you, don't make me cry, I weep for the people, my pillow is wet from weeping for the people. But today, I started weeping for myself. Now, you listen to me. You know I am very rich. I did not start rich, but I am rich now. I own more Monets and Van Goghs, except for the Japanese, than anybody else in the world!

Hesperus

I agree. And you don't think it is sad, for even one moment, to give that up, and become like us? Ordinary peasant people? Now that I am listening to you, Monsignor, I not only think it is sad, I think it is nuts. Who do you think you are, playing around with our affections? You've got it, and we want it!

Cardinal

Don't you ever raise your voice to me again!

Hesperus

Sorry. But you pissed me off.

Cardinal

You don't see my point of view.

Hesperus

How can I? You are a cardinal of the Holy Roman Catholic Church! How can I see your point of view.

Cardinal

(Softly) A cardinal of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Yes. But I am also a man! Oh, get me out of these robes, they are suffocating me!

Hesperus

Well, you will have to stand up.

Cardinal

Take my shoes off first, they are killing me.

Hesperus

Oh, your shoes are soaking wet.

Cardinal

It is raining.

Hesperus

What you need, is your mistress.

Cardinal

Yes, I agree, but I don't want to see her. No, I didn't mean that. I do not want her to see me like this. I wonder if Beatrice would love me if I were not a cardinal?

Hesperus

None of us would love you, if you were not a cardinal. Let's face the facts.

Cardinal

(Stands up) Get me out of these robes. (Hesperus takes off his robes and hat. Underneath, the Cardinal is wearing a long white gown.)

Cardinal

I definitely do not want her to see me like this. (flops back into the chair). Maybe I need a little cognac.

(Hesperus goes to one of the book shelves and moves some books and brings out a bottle, then he moves some other books and brings out a brandy sniffer glass).

Cardinal

I wish you could see my point of view.

Hesperus

(Pouring the drink) We just went through all of that.

Cardinal

I know, but I am losing my faith.

Hesperus

(Spills drink) Agh! Don't ever say such a thing! At least not to me! Say it to the pope, say it to God, but not to me.

Cardinal

I mean my faith in myself.

Hesperus

Oh, I had that problem once.

Cardinal

You did?

Hesperus

Yes, I said to myself, Hesperus, you are always a servant. Why are you always a servant? I asked myself. You never own a trattoria of your own, or even a bar, or even a cafe, you never make anything of yourself. Owning a trattoria means you are somebody at last. But you, Hesperus? No, you are always a servant. Then I said to myself, Hesperus, you live, sleep and eat in a palace, anybody in their right mind would want your job. And even when you are old, you will get a pension, what more can you ask for? And I got my faith back in myself.

Cardinal

(Jumping up and pacing) You dunderhead! If you think for one minute that I am giving up being a cardinal, you are stupider than I thought. And you know, Hesperus, over the years, that was one thing I did know about you, is that you were not stupid. In fact, I often realize that without you, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am not giving up being a cardinal, not for one moment. All of this must be done in secret. Do you understand me? Nobody must know. I am still the cardinal, and my robes are here, and my ring, blessed by the pope and given to me by the pope. I just want to go out for a day or two and be a part of the people, and get to know how they feel. I feel it; it( is as if, I want to be an actor on another stage, to become a part of the chorus, instead of the diva.

Hesperus

A diva is a woman.

Cardinal

(Laughs) Yes! You know, I feel at times I am becoming a diva. And I want to be for a while a part of the chorus. I want to face God being a man when I die, not being a cardinal who stood back and let all the human experiences filter into somebody else's life, like those experiences were all fiction to me.

Hesperus

And I suppose you think I am supposed to be proud of you.

Cardinal

Well, I just told you that I am proud of you.

Hesperus

That is not the same thing. You are a cardinal, I am a servant. Cardinals are supposed to be proud of their servants, and servants are suppose to be proud of a cardinal, but how can I be proud of you as an ordinary man?

Cardinal

I don't mean you have to be proud of me as an ordinary man. I mean just be proud of me for wanting to be for a few days, an ordinary man, so I can share, once more, their point of view. Times change, I want to see if they are the same people they were before I was sent to that religious college, and became a novice. I want to know if the times have changed. Today in that blessing of a monument, that statue, I was surrounded by women in black, widows who had lost their husbands in the war. Times have changed. And I think this is the only way I will keep up with the times, is to join them, not to be the cardinal for a couple of days. Now, go out and buy me a beard!

(Beatrice suddenly opens the door. She is in a gorgeous gown)

Beatrice

I came back from the opera, I wanted to say goodnight.

Cardinal

Agh! (grabs his robe and covers himself).

Hesperus

(To Beatrice who stands in the door, her entrance blocked by Hesperus). Your grace, His eminence is dressing.

Beatrice

I thought he was undressing.

Hesperus

No, he is not undressing, he is dressing.

Beatrice

But his robes are there, put them on him.

Hesperus

But he is not going to wear his robes.

Beatrice

Oh, he is in one of those moods. He is going to dress up as somebody else. Oh, that is always fun.

Hesperus

Then, you know all about it?

Cardinal

She knows nothing.

Beatrice

What did he say?

Hesperus

He said, you know nothing.

Cardinal

Tell her I am not here!

Beatrice

What did he say?

Hesperus

He said he is not here.

Beatrice

I see! Well, tell the person that is not here, goodnight, and that the opera was lousy but Maria Callas was fabulous as always, and he missed nothing!

(She exits).

Hesperus

She has gone.

Cardinal

Oh, Beatrice, I love you.

Hesperus

You can have her, if you stick to being a cardinal.

Cardinal

But I can't marry her.

Hesperus

Don't start. Please, do not start!

Cardinal

All right. You are right.

Hesperus

For once. Now, let me get that stupid underwear off of you and we'll put on your nice comfy, cushy robe and your slip-slips on your feet, and I'll get you a nice something to eat from the kitchen for din-din, and you'll be back to your usual self.

Cardinal

I want that beard.

Hesperus

Who is going to take care of you if I go out and buy you a beard. I will send Maria, and she was an actress, and she knows where to buy beards, she bought the last one.

Cardinal

Oh, good.

Hesperus

But Maria will not do what I tell her to do, you will have to tell her.

Cardinal

Then go get Maria.

(There is the sound of knocking).

Hesperus

There is a knock at your secret door.

Cardinal

Oh, quick. Get me out of my underwear and into my bathrobe.

(Hesperus strips him down to his jock strap. Then he goes and gets a robe of satin with a mink collar).

Cardinal

No, not that one. I want my best robe.

Hesperus

But you only wear your best robe with Beatrice.

Cardinal

I don't care, I want my best robe. Now, you can answer the knock at the secret door. And then go and get Maria.

Hesperus

(Praying as he goes to the door) Ave Maria, gracia plena...

(He opens the secret door, at right stage, which is hidden behind a tapestry. And another cardinal enters, with a grand stateliness. This is Cardinal Anselm).

Cardinal

Anselm.

Anselm

Alphonse.

(The Cardinal glares at Hesperus. Hesperus bows and exits out the other door, left. The Cardinal puts his finger to his lips to Anselm, and tiptoeing to the door, pulls open the door and yells).

Cardinal

Hesperus! No listening at doors and keyholes! No listening at doors and keyholes! Or I will kick you out of this palace! Out, off, out, off!

Anselm

Ooh, you even scared me. Oh, come give Mama a kiss, Alphonse, my darling. I am exhausted. What a day! Mmm, mmm, mmm. Oh, I missed you so. You bisexuals are such a trial.

Cardinal

Well, you homosexuals are just too possessive. I like it both ways, I mean I have no responsibility to you, it is just love and sex, love and sex, but with Beatrice, it is such a challenge to try to make her happy, you are happy with me, no matter what happens, but with Beatrice, I have to always be at my best. Now, that is a challenge, and I guess in life, I do love a challenge.

Anselm

Oh, what are you drinking, dear?

Cardinal

Cognac.

Anselm

Where is it this time?

Cardinal

Behind the Aristotle.

(There is a knock at the door left stage, then the door opens. It is Maria, the maid, she is singing La Donna Mobile).

Maria

Oh, your Eminence, Hesperus didn't tell me you were with somebody else. I'll come back later.

Cardinal

I am not with somebody else, I am all alone in this room. Do come in, Maria.

Maria

What do you mean you are alone? I see a Cardinal standing right there.

Cardinal

There is nobody in this room but me, now just come in. Be reasonable.

Maria

I am being reasonable. I don't think you really understand, though you are a cardinal, and know all things, that I at times have dreams of cardinals floating around the halls of this palace. And if you tell me there is no cardinal standing there, then I have to tell you, he must be one of those floating cardinals.

Cardinal

He is one of those floating cardinals, I am alone in this room, now come in. I have something to tell you to do.

(Maria enters very cautiously, and she goes to Anselm as he is drinking straight from the bottle of cognac, and she pokes him in the ribs. Anselm spits out the cognac on her, and puts the bottle of cognac back behind the books).

Maria

(Screams) This is worse.

Cardinal

What is worse?

Maria

Than my dreams!

Cardinal

Maria, this is Cardinal Anselm. He lives down the street at another palace. But he is not suppose to be here, this is a secret. This is church business. There are people at the Vatican trying to steal the paintings in the basement of the Vatican!

Maria

Oh, God. How horrible. I will tell no one. I saw no cardinal in your chambers, Monsignor. He is not here. It is only one of my floating cardinal dreams.

Cardinal

Exactly. Now, I want you to buy me a beard?

Maria

A what?

Cardinal

A beard.

Maria

Oh, my God, why?

Cardinal

You, my child, do not need to know why.

Maria

But you tell everything to that Beatrice, she is such a gossip, I heard her tell the cleaning women stories that raised the hair on my head. Why do you keep her here in the palace, she is such a trouble maker? Maria do this! Maria do that! It was peaceful here before, with just Hesperus and you and me.

Cardinal

Beatrice is my daughter.

Maria

Your what?

Cardinal

My daughter. I finally had to acknowledge her. I was a young priest in the village of Asgoga.

Maria

Never heard of it.

Cardinal

I was handsome...

Maria

I believe that.

Cardinal

I was living poorly.

Maria

I believe that.

Cardinal

I was horny.

Maria

I believe that.

Cardinal

And then she came along.

Maria

I don't believe that, nobody just comes along, who was she?

Cardinal

Okay, she was the post office mistress.

Maria

Oh, that I believe, they are tyrants! Those women.

Cardinal

And I got her pregnant.

Maria

I believe that.

Cardinal

And now because of this secret, you have to go out and get me a beard. How much is a beard, by the way?

Maria

Do you want real hair?

Cardinal

I want what you bought for my masquerade last Christmas!

Maria

Oh, but that is easy! But it is raining.

Cardinal

Maria, I pay you and Hesperus a very good salary, you have free housing in a palace, and free food.

Maria

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

Cardinal

Take an umbrella.

Maria

I have one, one of your old ones, it's red. But you know when they see me with that umbrella, they say, there she is the mistress of the Cardinal's Pallacio. Yes, I'll take my umbrella. But I want to buy something for myself.

Cardinal

What?

Maria

A gun, to kill Beatrice. You are innocent, you do not know what she is really like.

Cardinal

She is my daughter!

Maria

Got it, got it. And I hope I abort, if I ever have a daughter like that. Where do I get the money for this beard?

Cardinal

Maria, you just tell them it is for me.

Maria

No, no, no. I tried that the last time, in the acting profession they don't take anything but cash. Even if you have a red umbrella.

Cardinal

Oh, all right. (He goes to one of the books and takes out some money and gives it to her). Oh, wait, do you think with that amount of money you can buy me a hat?

Maria

Sure, but what kind of a hat? (Maria points to the hat on Anselm). You mean like that one, but you have two of those.

Cardinal

A hat that a fisherman would wear.

Maria

Oh, how poetic, it makes me want to cry, you mean we are having another masquerade party?

Cardinal

No, this is part of the paintings being stolen from the Vatican basement, and it is to be very secret.

Maria

Oh, God. I hope it is no friend of mine.

Cardinal

What friend of yours?

Maria

Nothing, nothing, I didn't say a word. It's just that I have a lot of friends in a certain market, and I think I'll make a phone call to warn them you are on their trail. (Laughing raucously, Maria exits. The Cardinal puts his finger to his lips to Anselm and he goes to the door and jerks it opened).

Cardinal

No listening at doors or keyholes, Maria, no listening at doors or keyholes, or I will kick you out of the palace, now, out, off, out .off! (Slams the door).

Anselm

I thought you handled that very well.

Cardinal

I am in love with life again, Anselm.

Anselm

Good boy, good boy, good boy! Now, you come to my palace tonight, I have given the cook the night off, so I can cook you your favorite lasagna, it is Sophia Loren's recipe in her cookbook, with spinach.

Cardinal

Oh, oh, oh, oh, but I can't.

Anselm

But you can take the secret tunnel through the catacombs, and nobody will know that you have come to my palace to have my Sophia Loren lasagna.

Cardinal

It's not that. I have a date with destiny. I am going back to my boyhood, to find out what the world is like, you know they talk all about the creator, and then they discovered the dinosaur, a very inconvenient discovery for us, but we rode it through. But you know, Anselm, the discovery, the beginning, when everything started for me, just before the war, when I was on the farm, when I got an A plus in grammar. You know, it was that A plus that gave me initiative to go forward. And I want to find out, with the ordinary people, and I will go to the theatre and laugh at the clowns, but I want to see if the people are the same, without me being a cardinal.

Anselm

You mean, you are not coming to dinner tonight to have my famous spinach lasagna? And that is what all this is about, the beard and the hat, is about? You are going to some whorehouse? When you could be with me instead?

Cardinal

I am not going to a whorehouse. I want to go and be with the people, and sit in a trattoria, eat their food, drink their wine, hold their babies, laugh at the moon, sing songs, toss the hat that Maria is going to buy me into the air!

Anselm

What are you? A nut case? There is nothing out there for you but grim reality. We have fought all of our lives to lift ourselves up from grim reality, the beggars are getting cleverer at how to pick your pocket, the people that work for us, want more and more money, and we have to make up more and more excuses. The labor is lost on the pope as well as the people, we have to think of ourselves, and fight back and find our love pure and beautiful. Oh, I think I've said too much, I went beyond myself, into some fantasy world that doesn't really exist for me, but I know one thing, I am in love with you, Alphonse, there is no way I can sacrifice that love, I will just have to wait until the next life, when we will be together.

(A gong is heard)

Hesperus

(Abruptly entering) Beatrice insisted, she is bringing dinner to you both, it was not me or Maria that listened at the door, it was your dear daughter Beatrice.

Cardinal

Sit down, Anselm, we will have a bite to eat. I'll handle this.

Hesperus

Why don't you both go out the secret door behind the tapestry?

Cardinal

Oh, no, my dear Hesperus, this is not going to be some locked-room mystery. I don't want anybody to know about that door, idiot!

Hesperus

Oh, sorry. (He exits left).

Beatrice

(Entering, followed by Hesperus and Maria) Oh, my darling, spring has come and gone and now I am in my summer.

Hesperus

Amen.

Maria

Amen.

Beatrice

(Turning to them) What does 'amen' mean?

Hesperus

It means the end.

Maria

It means you have said what you had to say.

Beatrice

But I'm not finished!

Hesperus

Oh.

Maria

Oh.

Anselm

There are times in our lives, Monsignor Alphonse, when we must have privacy for ourselves. Not standing on the stars, not standing on the moon, not hiding behind papal walls, in gardens of prayer. But a retreat to a monastery, is in view, and we most go and send these people away, so we can pray for all of humanity at large, and your dear servants can handle this palace, while you are gone. And we will pray in silence and in secret, and deliver justice where it is due. And I shall open my palace doors to the monks of St. Cecilia, and their chorus, they will play only Vivaldi, of course. Now my visit to you is ended, and I shall totally, and I mean totally expect you tonight to join in the beginning of the most holy and blessed retreat, with the chorus of St. Cecilia - if only Renata Tebaldi could be there to sing - but she can not, she has retired - alas. In meditation and in prayer, I am sure. I shall leave now, to prepare your cell.

Cardinal

Actually, I think there are nuns in St. Cecilia, not monks.

Anselm

Oh.

Beatrice

But, Cardinal Anselm, you must stay, in fact, I block your way. In fact, we who are of the nobility know the blessings that come from being blessed, and the rest is all history. No one whoever walked in a garden did not know peace, and the peace of knowing such exquisite friends must be without reserve.

Hesperus

Shall we serve now?

Maria

Your dinner that the cook cooked is going to get cold in the hall.

Beatrice

No, no, I am not finished speaking yet. Take the food back and have her reheat it. We are in the pleasure of our own company. Retreat, my dears, from something that is above your spirits and your hearts.

Hesperus

But how?

Cardinal

Please, do not argue with the lady.

Maria

But what does she mean in this statement, about retreating with the food?

Anselm

I think I will be going.

Beatrice

But I will block your walk, we shall all of us stop and talk. Beginning with how beautiful is the Cardinal's diary.

Cardinal

My diary! Who could have access to this room but you Hesperus?

Hesperus

You told me to give her a key to your room, Your Eminence.

Anselm

I think I'd better leave, could you telephone, Hesperus, for my car? I think there is a bar nearby, where I might be able to have some liquid, for my thought is very dry, and I have so many sermons to write tonight, for tomorrow I am driving to Trivally for the banquet of Cardinal DeNono, such a wonderful man, when he discovered that fish leap out of water because other fish are chasing them to eat them, he used it as his last sermon before he died; of course, it was the theme of the fisherman. Such an impact.

Cardinal

Cardinal DeNono is dead? How could you not have told me?

Anselm

But I thought you knew.

Hesperus

Well, I didn't know.

Maria

Well, I didn't know, either.

Anselm

Alas, it is true.

Cardinal

But he owes me a fortune.

Anselm

Well, claim his land, for he owns acres in the Ligurian region.

Hesperus

Maria, why would you care if Cardinal DeNono died?

Maria

He might be the husband of my child. Think of the money I could get!

Hesperus

Oh, my God. Is your child still alive?

Maria

Well, of course he is still alive. He is the postman.

Hesperus

I wondered why you were always kissing the postman.

Cardinal

Wait, wait wait!

Anselm

I think it is better if I get my car and prepare for the retreat from the material world to the house of thought where the soul can find in its small and twisting paths, the maker that created those small and twisting paths...

Cardinal

I said, wait, wait wait! I want to say something to all of you. Right now. Yes. Wasn't I stupid.(He rushes to the bookcase and gets five volumes and hands them to Beatrice). Here, my beloved Beatrice, take them, they are the diaries. They are yours. Wait until you are an old woman, when the men do not want you anymore, and sell them. Maria, help her pack, she has enough jewels from me to last her the next twenty years, if she sells them wisely. Out, out Beatrice, I am buying my soul back from the Devil! Put it that way.

Beatrice

If ever a man was unkind, you have proved him wrong, in your generosity and goodness. I was born a beautiful child, who grew into a woman of form, but never have I known a man who gave when he could have taken. That, in itself is more unusual than a dwarf that is ten feet tall.

Cardinal

Beatrice...(kisses her passionately)... why don't you write what you just said on the last page of the diary. It sums it all up.

Beatrice

Oh. You mean I am part of the diary. I mean I can continue to write it?

Cardinal

Beatrice, I just realized you were only blackmailing me, you never read the diary, or you would know that you are the whole diary. Maria, take her, pack up her things, and get her out. Here. (He takes out another book and gives Maria a business card). Maria, once packed, put Beatrice in a taxi. Give the driver this card, it is an apartment here in Roma, which I bought for my mother, bless her soul, but she died. A key is attached to the back of this card. But then, Maria, return here to me!

Beatrice

But...!

Cardinal

No more buts! I've heard your buts and seen your buts, too many times. You've got it made in the shade, Beatrice. And you can't blackmail me now, I've given you the source. Get out!

(Beatrice, pushed by Maria, exits with Maria left.)

Anselm

Do you think that is wise, Alphonse, a woman of her character, and what if I am in your diary?

Cardinal

You are not in the diary.

Anselm

Well, of all the nerve, not putting me in your diary.

Cardinal

Sit down, Anselm. Here. Take this piece of paper. I want to give it to Hesperus. Write down the words I tell you to write down. Hesperus' handwriting is terrible. He writes left handed with the right hand, and that is one of the reasons that I have always been interested in Hesperus, he is the only man I ever knew who wrote left handed with his right hand. But write these words down. Sit down, Anselm, you can't write standing up.

Anselm

But if this is more of your diary, I am not interested, if I am not in it!

Cardinal

It is not more of my diary, it is a secret code.

Anselm

Oh, I love secret codes.

Hesperus

So do I.

Cardinal

Then you sit down, too, Hesperus. This secret code is for you. Are you ready, Anselm?

Anselm

Well, hardly, if I don't have a pen.

Cardinal

Hesperus, get him my pen and ink well.

Hesperus

(Hesperus goes to a book on the shelves and gets a pen and ink well). Why not your ball-point pen?

Cardinal

No, this is important. It is as if I am writing my last will and testament.

Hesperus

Your what?

Cardinal

My last will and testament.

Anselm

I do not know what you are trying to tell us, Alphonse, but whatever it is I will use all of my powers to stop it!

Cardinal

I am going out to be with the ordinary people, yes in the rain, with no red umbrella. I will stay in an ordinary inn and eat ordinary food and I will find, not only my identity again, but my masculinity, or maybe they are the same, for a man is a man, I think somebody wrote, for I have read every book on all of those shelves. Now, take down these words, for they are the secret code. Anselm, do this for me. Not only as a friend, and a witness, but do this for me as a confessor.

Anselm

But I can't hear a confession with somebody else present.

Cardinal

(Putting his arm around Hesperus) But he is me, and I am he.

Anselm

(Starts to cry) Oh, if only you had said those words to me.

Cardinal

I will end up with you, Anselm, in the end.

Anselm

We will! (leaps up with joy).

Hesperus

Don't spill the ink, Monsignor!

Anselm

Oh, sorry. Alphonse, give me the words to the secret code! I am ready and willing for it now, even if death is at the door, nothing could stop me.

(A knock comes at the door. Anselm screams as if there has been a thunder clap).

Cardinal

Hesperus, open the door.

Hesperus

Do I dare?

Cardinal

Dare.

(Hesperus opens the door. Maria comes in).

Maria

I got the beard.

Cardinal

You got the beard?

Maria

I got the beard. Here it is.

Anselm

She got the what?

Hesperus

The beard.

Cardinal

How did you get the beard?

Maria

She had it, that bitch. She was the one that grabbed it off you at last year's Christmas masquerade, knowing that everybody knew you had worn it, thinking that she could sell it, thinking that as a relic that was worn by the cardinal, she could make money out of it. And here is the fisherman's hat. And here is the money back, half of it.

Cardinal

How did you get the hat?

Maria

You know that on every Friday, the fish monger comes and brings me fish to choose from, and cook and I decide. So I offered him the money, at the back door to the alley, and he gave me the hat. It really is a beautiful hat.

Cardinal

(Putting on a big felt hat) Oh, it is wonderful. I can smell it. Thank you, Maria. Keep the change. Oh, go now to the bitch that gave me pleasure and send her on her way, and let her live in the home I bought for my mother, they are both the same kind of woman, anyway, and there is a certain rightness in that, give Beatrice a last kiss from me.

Maria

Kiss that bitch? Over your dead body and mine! (Maria exits, slamming the door).

(Anselm jumps up and rushes to the door).

Amselm

Maria wait and come back.

Maria

(Reentering) Oh! It was you!

Anselm

Who?

Maria

The floating cardinal, in my dreams, that would appear and then disappear.

Anselm

We all come and go as the spirit moves us. Now I want to thank you so very much.

Maria

Thank me, your Grace? How could you thank me?

Anselm

For being brave, for baring your soul, and telling the truth, for I hated that bitch, Beatrice, as much as you did.

Maria

Oh, but your Eminence, anything that I, a simple person could feel, must be twice what a person of your standing must feel.

Anselm

I am sure you are right, my child. I hate the bitch.

Maria

So do I! (Maria exits).

Anselm

Now to your words that make the code, I am ready to write. But wait. Behind which books did you tell me that the cognac is?

Cardinal

Aristotle.

Anselm

Hesperus? Look along the shelf for Aristotle, pour me a slug. I am ready, Alphonse.

(Hesperus starts looking over the walls of books).

Cardinal

All right. These are the words to the secret code. Bergson.

Anselm

Bergson.

Cardinal

Locke.

Anselm

Locke.

Cardinal

Kant.

Anselm

How do you spell that?

Cardinal

You have studied in the greatest universities in the world.

Anselm

I know, but I still can not spell can't.

Cardinal

K-a-n-t.

Anselm

Oh, that Kant. In all my life, as a Cardinal, I never could say can't, because I always could.

Cardinal

Keep writing down the code. Bacon.

Anselm

Bacon.

Cardinal

Diogenes.

Anselm

Diogenes. Oh, I heard a funny story at the dinner table in the rectory the other day, about Diogenes. I meant to tell you.

Cardinal

Write. Heidegger.

Anselm

Heidegger. I really don't know how to spell that.

Cardinal

It is the first letter of each name, in the order that I give them to you, that is the importance of the code.

Anselm

You son-of-a-bitch, why didn't you tell me that in the first place?!

Hesperus

You can not speak to his Eminence using words like that.

Anselm

I am a His Eminence, too, and I can speak to another His Eminence as I wish, Hesperus!

Hesperus

Oh, sorry. I can understand that that is true, there was a horse once, that bolted because of another horse, I was very young trying to learn how to be a stable boy, and you know what made the horse bolt? Because of the other horse?

Anselm

No, what?

Hesperus

The other horse farted.

(Anselm laughs and laughs and gets up, and borrows the Cardinal's handkerchief to wipe his glasses, and then he sits back down and picks up the pen).

Anselm

I am ready, Alphonse.

Cardinal

Nietzsche.

Anselm

Nietzsche.

Cardinal

You know how to spell Nietzsche?

Anselm

Of course, he wrote Mein Kampf.

Cardinal

That was Hitler.

Anselm

Oh. How long is this code?

Hesperus

I can't find Aristotle where the cognac is hidden.

Cardinal

It's under 'A'.

Hesperus

Oh.

Cardinal

There are only three words left of the code, I spent years developing this code and it is still there, still there, after all of the Latin text that I have been forced to read and learn and memorize, the secret code is still there.

Anselm

Only three left? Good. Go on.

Cardinal

Schopenhauer.

Anselm

Come on, be fair, you mean 'S'.

Cardinal

Yes, 'S'. Voltaire.

Anselm

Oh, loved that book.

Cardinal

Wittgenstein.

Anselm

Forget it, 'W'.

(Anselm gets up and hands the paper to the Cardinal, and pushes Hesperus away from the wall and moves the books and gets himself the bottle of cognac, and drinks from it.).

Anselm

Now, what is the code for?

Cardinal

It is for Hesperus.

Hesperus

For me?

Cardinal

Yes, I have, all of these years, loved both you and Maria. I always wanted the two of you to marry, but I knew, as all Italians know that there must be money or there can be no love, and that neither of you had money, so I created this code, in case anything happened to me, you would have the money, the wealth, so that you both could be married.

Hesperus

Oh, my gracious master. (Kneels and kisses his hand).

Anselm

Alphonse, what is the code for!

Cardinal

Here, Hesperus, keep this paper with you. The first letters of all of the great books on that shelf is the code. In the language, there are 26 letters. Each of the first letters of those great philosopher's names are in the alphabet, and just match each letter, count them in the 26, and match them to a number, and you will have the secret code to my wall safe, and all the jewels that all the populace have given me over the years, and all the money, that I myself have earned, profound riches, profound riches. They will be yours, for you and Maria.

Hesperus

But where is the safe?

Cardinal

That is for the seeker to find.

Hesperus

What?

Anselm

What?

Cardinal

All of life is difficult, the Sistine Chapel was not painted in a day. Even to take a bath, during the war, you had to find water, but when you found it, you saved it to drink, not to bathe in. Now, Hesperus, now take off all your clothes.

Hesperus

Sir, it hasn't gone that far, has it?

Cardinal

I have the hat, and you will glue the beard on me, with this bottle of glue on my desk, but I want your clothes, and you shall put on my cardinal's robes while I am gone and pretend to be me. Take off your clothes.

Hesperus

Oh, well, fortunately, I did bathe, I mean I washed myself, and the socks are clean, and the shoes need polish, but the underpants have been washed...

Cardinal

I don't need your underpants. I just want the vest, the shirt and the pants and the socks and the boots.

Anselm

This is beginning to be fun. Let me sit down and watch. (Takes another drink).

(The Cardinal ends up in Hesperus' clothes, and Hesperus ends up in the Cardinal's bathrobe and slippers).

Cardinal

Now, the beard. Glue it on.

Hesperus

Where is the glue?

Cardinal

Behind Goethe. (Hesperus finds the glue and glues the beard on.) And now the hat. I, who was born in the world, am going back to the world. I will tramp the roads and storm the Bastille...

Anselm

That was in France, not Italy.

Cardinal

Whatever, I will get the smell of real sweat on my hands and in my nostrils.

Anselm

Well, really.

Cardinal

Now, behind Descartes. I have some money hidden, get it for me, Hesperus.

Anselm

You don't mean you are really going to do this!

Cardinal

Yes.

Hesperus

How do I find Descartes?

Cardinal

It's under 'D', as in destiny.

Anselm

Alphonse, I love you, I won't let you do this! You were joking I thought, playing one of your masquerade ball bits. I won't let you go!

Cardinal

It is my destiny.

Hesperus

I found Descartes! And the money. Is it a good book?

Cardinal

Give me the money. I want you both to stay right here. You Anselm must train Hesperus to act like me, as a cardinal acts, while I am gone. I will slip out the back door into the alley and merge with life. God be with you both.

Hesperus

Don't go!

Anselm

Don't go!

Cardinal

Stay where you are, and Anselm, teach him how to act like me, so that Hesperus is the cardinal while I am gone. I am going, going, going and gone. (He exits left.)

Hesperus

(Drops to his knees before Anselm). Monsignor, your Eminence, please, you are the only one who can save him. You have the grace, you have the power, stop him. He does not know what we are!

Anselm

We?

Hesperus

The common people! What will we do now?

Anselm

Did you ever love somebody?

Hesperus

Yeah, sure.

Anselm

No, not like the common people. I mean like a cardinal. He is a cardinal, and he is going to be with the people he loves. He wants me to do this for him, and since I love him I will do it, help me get the cardinal's robes on you. And the shoes, and the hat, yes, yes. Now, you want some lasagna at my palace, I make great lasagna? We have to go through the secret door and through the tunnel down in the catacombs. But now that you are the cardinal, you have to kiss me.

Hesperus

Why?

Anselm

Because I always kiss Alphonse.

Hesperus

I guess it is my destiny.

(They kiss without enthusiasm).

Anselm

Well, it isn't quite the same, but it will have to do. Let's go.

(He pulls back the tapestry, and they exit through the secret door).

Maria

(Knocking and then entering) The bitch, she is gone. Hey! Oh. There is nobody here. (She looks all around the room). The floating cardinals of my dreams.

(Maria picks up the cognac bottle and drinks from it).

The floating cardinals have flown.

(Maria sees the elegant bathrobe, she puts it on and sits in the big chair).

Maria

Now, I am the cardinal. Hesperus! Bring me the cognac, it is behind the book called Aristotle. (Suddenly, she leaps up, casting the robe back into the chair). I don't want to be one of the floating cardinals. (Staring at the chair and backing away from it).What a terrifying feeling that was.

(With a rush of wind, Hesperus suddenly leaps out from behind the tapestry, in his cardinal's robes, as if he were being chased by demons. Maria whirls around and screams at seeing him).

Maria

Hesperus! What has happened?

Hesperus

Those catacombs are horrible places! The walls are lined with burning torches! And there are skeletons there of all the ancient dead. That Cardinal Anselm is an amazing man. He floated on ahead of me, the wind blowing his robes out behind him, totally unafraid. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. I ran back as fast as I could. I tripped on my robe. I fell down. I began to scream. I turned and looked back. The wind was rattling the bones and the cardinal was gone. Oh, thank God, I am back where I belong. (He crosses himself, and Maria crosses herself).

Maria

Yes, the Cardinals are amazing men, that is why we admire them.

Hesperus

(Embracing Maria, and kissing her). Oh, Maria, let's go to our rooms and play canasta.

Maria

Yes, my darling. Oh, I love canasta.

Hesperus

And we'll have ham sandwiches.

Maria

Oh, I love ham sandwiches. But where is Cardinal Alphonse? Why are you wearing his robes?

Hesperus

He is gone.

Maria

What do you mean, gone?

Hesperus

In disguise, he has gone out to mingle with the people, to see how they live, to suffer their sufferings with them.

Maria

Oh, what amazing men the floating cardinals are, that is why we admire them.

Hesperus

(Taking off his robes and putting them on the chair, wearing only his jock strap). I am to dress like him and pretend to be the Cardinal while he is gone.

Maria

Oh, how terrifying. (Maria goes slowly around the room turning off all the lamps, as Hesperus opens the door, the light from the hall pours onto the dark stage, suddenly the wind from the secret door blows and the tapestry flaps. Hesperus rushes over and locks the door and hurries back to Maria).

Hesperus

Come.

(They slowly exit, closing the door behind them, and the stage is totally dark).

CURTAIN

Copyright 1999 by Darwin Hageman
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