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Molly took me to the cemetery but by the time we got there it was so dark and raining so hard we had to leave. Went to dinner afterward and got slightly drunk. It has been so hard with no one to talk to. Everyone wants to avoid ‘it' because ‘it' upsets them so much, but I have to talk about Jason, his life and his death. I'm still hurting so much and don't see any relief in sight. I'm sure it is there, other people have seemed to get over their losses, so I guess I will too.
The days are long.
Just as I was falling asleep Friday night I saw Jason. Oh what a look he had on his face. Of course I dream of him a lot, but this was so different. I just felt so good after I saw him. He looked so happy and strong, that half-ass smile of his. He just held out his hand. I went right to sleep, thank you Jason.......
Jamie and the guys had a birthday party for Jay last Saturday. It was so sad. Those kids are still so lost, it is like they are missing their soul. I know after a while it will change for them, it is still too new, but I know they will never forget him. Most of them have his initials tattooed on them now. I think he was their heart. Bobby is really messed up but I can't help him.
I can barely help myself. It takes every bit of my energy every day to leave the house and go to work and not tell someone to kiss off.
My boss asked me the other day if I was having a hard time ‘recovering'. What does he think this is, a cold?
Jason is still dead. Jason will always be dead. How my heart aches and my soul cries for him. Suicide doesn't end or cure a damn thing. Please God keep him safe.
Monday it will be six months since Jason died. I thought perhaps some of the pain would have let up but it is still as strong as ever. I never have a waking moment I do not think of Jason. Went to the cemetery yesterday and took the decorations off his little Christmas trees. It did not make me feel any better putting Christmas decorations on his grave. I didn't have any at home.
Christmas Eve just as I was going to sleep I saw Jason again. The feeling is so good but does not last very long. It is a soft feeling. I don't know how else to describe it - just soft. He is right there and has that shitty little smile.
Jennifer and I went to dinner Saturday night. She still talks about him like he is just on a trip somewhere. I hope someday soon she finds someone else. She has no anchor in her life. She needs to get a grip and start to move on.
| The memorial tree at the school looks very good. I hope no one bothers the plaque there or ruins it. I will go in the spring and plant flowers. |
I just have so much pain. I don't know where to turn. My heart is tearing apart.
Just finished reading ‘My Son, My Son' by Iris Bolton. It had some good thoughts, feelings and emotions. It made me cry. Too bad you don't have this material available when you need it instead of when it is too late.
Jason was my youngest son. My boys were all born six years apart. Jason was loving and tender. I never thought he would kill himself, but he did. His last Christmas, I thought I would have a portrait made for my mother - Mark, his girlfriend and kids; Troy, Melissa and their children; Jason and Jennifer; myself. But I didn't. Oh, well, I thought, I have plenty of time. I can do it for next Christmas...signs, signs, everywhere there are signs... screwing up the scenery, screwing up my mind...do this, don't do that...signs, signs, signs... can't you read those signs?
Jason had a little problem. He couldn't get up in time for school so he had to go to night school for three years to make up the credits for the classes he repeatedly missed in first period. He went to night school, day school, and worked full time. He was no slacker. He had a real drive to graduate with his class. It was his goal. He lived hard and played hard.
If he was depressed you would never have known it. Of course, there were times he was mad or felt low but that happens to us all. I was pretty lenient but he never really pushed it. Jason got the opportunity to get his own apartment three months before graduation. I hated to have him leave, last bird from the nest syndrome, but knew he would eventually. I cut the strings and let him go. Maybe that was a big mistake. I'll never know. He kept his apartment neat and clean. His furniture was hand-me-downs but he was only 18, he didn't care. He was a good boy, loving and well loved. He had a friend in every person he met and found good in everyone. It didn't matter to him if you were rich or poor, smart or dumb. There were no bad people in Jason's eyes.
I will never forget Jason. I will never forgive him either. I don't know how else to describe how I feel. Nothing makes any sense, but then no one else lived his life. He was his own person and died like he lived.
I never knew when they told me it was going to be a closed casket I could still ask to see him. They should have told me. Someone should have told me. People said it would have not been better for me to see him but I never had the chance to say goodbye. Sometimes I still don't believe he is dead. What if they made a mistake? I know this is stupid, but I should have been given the choice.
Everyone should be able to say goodbye.
| A year Has it really been a year? You've missed so much And how you've made all our lives change Eighteen years just wasn't enough But we were glad we at least had that Do you know how much we miss you? I probably couldn't have stopped you But I would have like to say goodbye And tho I still don't like it At least now I know why A year Has it really been a year? | 
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It seems like I laugh too much, enjoy myself too much. Should I grieve more? Sometimes when I am all alone I will just think of what happened, wonder what he thought at that last second. I still remember every word the sheriff said, can still see him standing in my living room. I can't really grasp what it means. I think it is because I never saw his body. I just don't believe he is gone. Why didn't I see his body? Sometimes I look at his pictures and wonder ‘Who is this boy?' I look at all the baby pictures and I can't remember those years, those feelings. Sometimes I am filled with such sorrow, such guilt.
When I talk to Jennifer I feel so responsible for her pain. I don't know what to do for her. I haven't seen her for several months and I want to, but when I do I always wonder what to say to her. How can I help her with her pain?
| September 9, 1997 I gave you life but not my time I let you go, you were not mine Your world was troubled, your mind unclear I would change it all to have you here I'd start again, I'd hold your hand I'd hear your words, I'd understand I'd hold you close, I'd find the time But I let you go, you were not mine |
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The only positive thing in this whole mess is the fact that Jason wanted to be an organ donor. Fortunately because he had made this decision (only 3 months before his death) 17 people were given a new life from my son, including a four old boy that received Jason's heart valve.
The most troubling thing I face every day is knowing you are gone, knowing I could have helped you, gave you comfort. I don't want or deserve forgiveness. Suicide from the other side is a powerful thing. It has taught me a lot about myself and a lot about you. It has made me realize how frail the mind is, how ready we are to accept what we will not change. To perform suicide is the easy part, to elect not to is the hardest thing anyone can ever do. To do that you must accept your failures and misgivings. To do that you must first forgive yourself for being human and forgive others. To perform suicide you are in such an emotional abyss you cannot tell right from wrong. You are not weak or crazy or uncaring. You are just one lone person with no one to hold your hand.
Accept my hand
November 7, 1977 - July 6, 1996
Forever 18
AFTERWARD
Jason's birthday is next month. Although he has been gone just a year, this is the second birthday he has missed.
Chip and Renee had a baby boy and named him Trey. They never married and are now separated.
Jamie and Tara had a baby boy and named him Andrew. They never married and are now separated.
Matthew went back to school for a while but finally quit. He started dating finally.
Bobby and Liz separated. He moved back home with his mom and got a job in carpentry.
Jennifer moved out of her mom's home and has had several jobs. She told me last week her mom has cancer and she is moving back home with her. Jennifer is pregnant.
I have a customer that comes in a couple of times a month and he always asks me ‘How's your heart?' I always tell him if it is good or bad. I thought after a year I would be able to write an end to this but it doesn't seem to end. Every day seems longer. Every night seems shorter.
My heart is very heavy.
July 10, 1996
To Jason:
Suicide from the other side is always despair. It is pain, loneliness and failure. It is wondering when and where we failed you and forces us to see how we have failed ourselves. It is missing you every minute of every waking hour and praying for sleep that never comes. It is sitting in a room full of your friends and you're not there or sitting alone by your grave and hoping the day will just end.
It is looking at your picture and knowing that this is all I have left or sitting at work and having the tears start for no reason and the wish I could have told you I loved you and maybe you would still be here. It is the chance I never had to tell you goodbye and now I never can. It is the force you had on everyone's life but no control on your own and the love I see in Jennifer's eyes that apparently you could not see.
It was 200 people at your funeral and yet you thought you were alone. It is the pain you must have felt every day but never shared and the pain we all feel now. It is the void you leave in our hearts and minds that time will never fill and the fact that we never showed you our love when you need it or you would have never left us.
You were not a perfect son or a perfect friend but you were ours and we did not deserve you. Rest peacefully, my son, you hold my heart in your hands.
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HEY GOD...... Kiss my son goodnight for me He is your son now I never wanted to give him up But you took him anyhow I thank you though For all I had And the gift you gave to me And though he's gone And I am sad You finally set him free Kiss my son goodnight for me He is your son now I never wanted to give him up But you took him anyhow |
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