Nearly every day for the past year or so, I hear from parents of girls that their daughter is being excluded from their social circles in school, Scouts, and other groups. There may be a child who wants certain girls for her friends, and doesn't want those girls to be friends with anyone else.

Susie, Mary, and Ellen are friends. A new girl, Karen, joins their classroom. Susie takes the initiative to bring Karen into their group. Mary, however, is jealous of outgoing Susie and tells Ellen that Susie is gossiping about her. Mary instigates arguments between Susie and Ellen, while putting Karen down at every opportunity. Mary tells Susie that she can't be friends with Karen and if she continues the friendship that Ellen and Mary won't be friends with her anymore.

Susie has a mind of her own. She plays with Karen, and invites her to her home. Mary, and now Ellen, begin telling Karen that Susie makes fun of her behind her back. They tell Karen lies about Susie, and get others to do the same. They begin excluding Susie from their usual lunch table, and act as if she isn't there when Susie speaks to them. Sometimes they call her "fat" and "frizz head" and tell her she smells.

What this is known as today is relational aggression, a form of bullying mostly used by girls. Boys tend to be more physical in their bullying, while girls usually use relationships to bully others. Relational aggression can be more hurtful than physical aggression.

For those who may not think that relational aggression is damaging to the victims, note what it says here: Relational Aggression, the way girls manipulate the social scene to hurt or psychologically "destroy" their peers, is EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE AND IT IS RAMPANT. When a girl - or any child - is victimized, when psychological cruelty goes unchecked, there are both short and long-term consequences. (source: Relationalaggression.com)

Another website says: "Relational aggression, also known as covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying, is a psychological and emotional form of abuse." (source: Relationalaggression.net)

Signs of emotional abuse can include the outward signs of stress and anxiety: nervousness, complaining of headaches and tummy aches, crying at night, clinginess, and a fear of going to school (source: Childrentoday.com)

What can teachers and other school personnel do about relational aggression in the school setting? Some excellent suggestions are:

In my experience, teachers sometimes, albeit unwittingly, contribute to various forms of bullying. When a child reports bullying, teachers often tell the child to "stop tattling." Tattling is a means of getting attention and trying to get another child in trouble for something of no consequence. Telling is when a child reports they or another child are being hurt in some manner. That is not tattling! A frequent scenario in schools is when a child reports bullying. The teacher says to stop tattling and to handle matters themselves. So when a bullied child retaliates, he or she is often in trouble for "fighting," when they were defending themselves. The teacher and/or principal asks "Why didn't you tell an adult?" But when the child does tell, he/she is told to stop tattling. This confuses a child, and he or she can literally not do the right thing because the "right thing" changes.

Schools should have a clear policy and a clear understanding of the problems. Children should be instructed in what they should do. They should not be simply told "Handle that yourself." They need guidance in the proper manner of handling bullying. If a child calls names back to the bully, the child is often told "Well, you called him names, too, so you're part of it, you're guilty, too." If the child handles matters by hitting back, then he is often punished for fighting...clearly explain to children how bullying should be dealt with, and listen to them when they report it.

There has been discussion in recent years on the bystander aspect of bullying. Many children who have witnessed bullying said that they would like to report it to an adult, but are told to stop tattling...told to "stop trying to get others in trouble." Again, this confuses children. They should be listened to, and they should know exactly how to handle bullying.

Parents can help by working closely with the schools. If your child is the victim of relational aggression or other forms of bullying, talk to the teacher and work with him or her on how best to deal with it. Bring articles to school for them, show an interest in helping. Get together with other parents and form a group of like-minded parents. Hopefully the situation will be handled before it gets to crisis level...that is much harder to fix and often turns ugly.

If your child is bullying others, accept it and work toward stopping it. Don't shrug it off as girls will be girls, girls are catty, etc. Some recommend counseling, that is a personal decision. Counseling takes time. Anti-bullying programs take time. You want the bullying to stop, now. Find what motivates your child to stop...grounding, apologizing to the victim/s publicly (which I recommend that all bullies do anyway), no special privileges until her behavior is acceptable. Harsh? No. Antisocial behavior needs to be stopped. It is in everyone's best interests to stop relational aggression, and all forms of bullying, stop it before it reaches crisis level. And it should go without saying that parents should model appropriate behavior. Don't gossip about others, or make unkind comments about others. Kids learn from their parents, and we want them to learn what is acceptable behavior.

The damage that emotional bullying inflicts can last for years, even a lifetime. Bullying education begins in the home - and should continue in the schools.