|
|
|
||||||||
PUN FOR A DAY
BROKEN MANHOOD
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he is talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asks if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man says, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returns, she says, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Four men were standing on the twelfth hole about to tee off when, from seemingly out of nowhere, a man came running up to them huffing, puffing, and dragging his clubs behind him.
"Pardon me, gentlemen," he panted, "I just found out my wife is seriously ill and has been rushed to the hospital."
"Is there anything we can do?" they offered.
"If it wouldn't be too much of a bother," he said, "would you mind terribly if I played through?"
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, 'You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago.'
The second woman says, 'You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles.'
The last woman says, 'You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman.'
The other two women ask 'What is a sports repairman?' The woman then replies, 'He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games....'
One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me". She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.
"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."
So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince.
You don't believe that?
Neither did her mother!
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady." "Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The businessman replied - "Where else in Boston can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
A man lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced: "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand and asks, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The boss placed a sign directly above the sink in the men's room at work. It had a single word on it...."Think!". The next day, when he went into the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below and immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign reading..."Thoap!".
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity and all, and the following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six months supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I", said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper...."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain......."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say........"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding; he'll be in a good mood when he getsback."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Who lived in a shoe.
She didn't have any children;
She knew what to do !
A woman decides to buy a new self-assembly chest of drawers and have it built in time to surprise her husband. She reads the instructions carefully and assembles the chest in the bedroom. A train passes nearby and the whole cupboard collapses. Undaunted, she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Fed up, she calls client service. She is told that the store will send out a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Another train passes, and the cupboard collapses again. Completely baffled, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard one final time and sit inside it to see whether he can find the cause of the collapse. At this moment the woman’s husband arrives home, sees the cupboard and beams at his wife. Opening the top drawer, he is shocked to see the man sitting inside.
“You might find this hard to believe,” says the flustered technician, “but I’m actually waiting for the train.”
This is an old Russian story, just translated into English for the first time...
An old woman is riding a crowded bus in Moscow and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she can sit down. "Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Excuse me comrade, but this is an atheist society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comrade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin is dead?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can safely say 'Thank God.'"
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I just got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"I had to fight him; he said he had slept with every woman in this complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
It's a long but true story...
Three boys are bragging in the schoolyard about their fathers.
"My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, and he gets there before the arrow," says the first boy.
"Ha!" shouts the second. "You think that's fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and get to the target before the bullet."
"Oh, that's nothing," says the third. "My father is a civil servant. He's so fast that he stops working at five and he gets home by 4:30."
If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer, he would probably write a
computer user's manual as follows:
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the
trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of
Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your
mom!
To visit other McCormackland sites, click on the appropriate words:
Home Page * Family History * Announcements * Family Tree * Family Calendar * Favorite Family Recipes * Hobby Page * Cellar Sales *
LE FastCounter