ABCs of Chinese adoption
Two peas in a pod! What it's all about...
I have shared my story in the hope that it will take the unknowns out of yours. And thank you for the wonderful response to them! They are only meant to be my story; yours will be your own.
First, the alphabetical list of my posts, next the posts. Pick and choose what interests you. Click on the line and you will be right there.
Adoptive nursing (breast
feeding the adopted child)
Afraid of flying
Age of your child Age does(n’t) matter
How old is too old to be a parent?
Agencies
Angry with your agency
Clueless Agency
Choosing an agency for SN(Special Needs)
Things I would like in an agency
Announcements
Attachment and bonding, the child
Attachment and bonding, the parents
Attachment and bonding, the parents, part 2
What are you going to say about the birth family?
Changing the birth date
Celebrating (Missed) First Birthdays
Keepsake books: Making keepsake books of your trip
Dolls in China
There is a God
Face: Concept of saving face (in China)
Food and water in China
Problems with food
Gifts in China
Gifts for the children
Grieving during your wait/grieving because someone is
pregnant (see also Holiday Blues)
Holiday Blues (See also grieving during your wait)
Something to help you through the holidays
Los Angeles immigration
More immigration: Important when you go home
Keeping the language and culture
Money matters
More Money Matters
Naming your child
What is normal?
The joys of being a really old mom
Mulan, the Chinese way
Origins of the children
Packing
[Click here
to see a packing list].
Leave it all home
– only kidding!
Leave it all, but take the baby – only
kidding
Suggestions for packing
Take with you
The people of China
They kill babies in China, or how to be politically
correct
Prejudice
People say the darndest things
Pictures and videos
Be prepared
Things no one ever tells you
A comment about slippers on the plane
Referral:
Craziness after referral
A caution about pictures with
referrals
Nervous around the time of the
referral?
What
if you don't get a photo
The day
of the terrible referral
Waiting for your referral: A word
of caution about desks, matching room, etc
Truism
Lost referral
Living life without regrets
Requirements for Chinese adoption: Age of adopting
parents; children or no children
Roller coaster ride
Separating over children, etc.
Shoes for the baby
Can you switch the baby?
Thanksgiving
Time frame for adoption
Losing weeks in the paper chase
Regarding time frames, etc.
The first hour with my translator in China
Travel Booking your own travel
A plus for making the trip to China
Stay the extra days
Taking sibling to China
Who travels to China
Should you travel alone without your
husband/spouse?
Videos I particularly liked
Waiting and waiting and waiting
[Go here to see
more ways to wait.]
Waiting for years
Waiting for travel orders
Waiting for travel: Travel without
approval?
Fears while waiting
More Fears while waiting
Chin up!
Unbearable waiting
Maximum waiting time
Did you make it all up?
Adoptive nursing (breast feeding the adopted child)
It is possible to adoptive nurse with a supplemental system. It is not necessary to use any hormones. But you MUST use a supplemental system. The action of the baby sucking stimulates the production of milk, and even if there is little milk, there is colostrum. My own bio kids were not interested in nursing after 6 and 9 mos of age, respectively.
The SNS system is available to purchase through La Leche Leagues. I did not try it until we got home. She thought it was great fun to play with the tubes and try to figure out how it all worked. She was not interested in actually using it.
There is a question whether a child older than one year old would be interested at all.
There is a list serv for adoptive nursing. Top.
I never used to be afraid of flying until I had a scare in the air and children (after which I started to worry and be afraid of more things than I'd ever been afraid of in my life!) But for a number of years I really didn't fly much and didn't want to (never worried for my husband's flights or anyone else's, just mine.)
Well, wanting this child so much, I was willing to do anything, even get on an airplane to go get her (and what if I got claustrophobic on the flight out???) Great. You see how my mind was going.
I prayed about this whenever it really bothered me, but my referral seemed a non-entity so it wasn't particularly pressing. Then I thought I really needed to move past this, if I could. So I asked God to give me the answer and let my Bible fall open. It opened to "I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth!" ( Is 58:14 KJV) It sounded like my flight to me!
I flew to Europe immediately before going to China, and I flew to China. I never had the crippling sense of fear. It seems like somewhere I got my joy of flying back, and was I grateful! Top.
Age of your child Age does(n't) matter
Some people say that age doesn’t matter. This is an extremely difficult issue. I hope they truly are happy with the age of their child at referral -- and then that they don’t have to prove it because their child is older at referral than they had hoped! Please do not discount the heartache over this issue.
It has been a very serious issue with several friends who were initially heartbroken that their child was not younger. Some agonize over whether they should choose to accept the child. Some people have actually backed out of Chinese adoption over this very issue.
I have said to my husband on more than one occasion that I wished we had had our oldest daughter since birth (clearly impossible). I recognize that her time away from us has both hurt and not hurt her. We have been told by a major agency to expect only a child over 2 at this point. If I had known this in the beginning, I would NOT have done a Chinese adoption. But I would have missed a very big blessing.
Often the children seem younger than their stated age. This may be because of being in an orphanage. I know our daughter at 19 mos seemed much younger than my bio children did at that age. She was just learning to walk, though she had 3 molars coming in. My other children walked at about 13 mos. Top.
How old is too old to be a parent?
I think it depends entirely on the people. I think I knew what was right for me. When I was wrestling with some of these issues, I was reminded that just being younger does not mean that one will survive.
I think life has funny ways of surprising us, and my two daughters from China are two of them. Don't let age stand in the way, if it feels right. Even the motivation to think about it may come from a higher power.
I wrote this before I began the process for our second Chinese daughter:
Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my first Chinese daughter. I saw an acquaintance I'd wanted to connect with ever since I got home so that she could see her. She kept saying to me, "I can't believe you'd do this, with a college kid and a teenager, I can't wait for mine to be grown."
It reminded me of when our older daughter was born and so many of my friends said, "Better you that me!" I used to answer that I was glad it was me and not them!
2003: I was too glib before getting my daughters on the subject of death. I used to think that any amount of time in a family was better than an orphanage. Now, having my daughters, I realize how much it would damage them, different than for my bios, to have another loss in their life. Top.
Agencies Angry with your agency
I think being angry with your agency is a common, common problem. You have to work with them. I guess, tell your friends, tell us, and even tell them (if you feel you have to.) And tell others when you are thru so they can be aware.
In my own case, my first agency had no answers, but this was not uncommon during the reorganization time. I met my agency head at an adoption fair in Nov 95. There were other problems as well, but...my dilemma would be if I did this a second time -- we all have successful adoptions and wonderful children with her at this point.
I only share this to tell you that you are not alone. Even the most reasoned choices have a few surprises thrown in. And as I said before, if it were not the holidays or your birthday, it would be a whole lot easier to wait.
And yes, while we all appreciate agencies who write/wrote news updates (and even newsletters) and that others were having a great experience, it was cold comfort for me (and you) going through it, especially as I was SN. And especially as a friend of mine told me her experience being SN (you know who you are) in a well known mega-agency that everyone else seems to float through on/in.
I just want to assure you that we are happy with our child, and we were in the only agency, probably, where we would have received her.
If this started out as a joyful journey to parenthood and now feels like a nightmare of bureaucracy and an agency which can't/won't do its job, I can relate to this!! I left "joyful journey to parenthood" way behind at some point in my experience. (I know this is true for several of my friends with different agencies too.) I just had to trust that our director had good people in China or I was in deep trouble. Somehow, some way, she did.
If you are having a terrible time, try to do something good for yourself. Make your own positive vibes because after all, you are persevering until you get her. Top.
Choosing an agency for SN (special needs)
If you are classified SN or if you have chosen to parent a SN child, it is especially important who you choose for your agency. They should be reputable and honest. I would want to know how serious their SNs have been and how willing they were to work with me to know the SN was actually as stated and didn't incorporate more. Top.
Things I would like in an agency
It would have been nice for me to travel with a group. (I traveled alone.) (But I have heard some horror stories with groups also.) I had hoped I could network with some people at the White Swan, but they were busy in their own groups. At the time I was not on the China listservs. If I had been, I would have made arrangements to meet my cyber friends who were there at the same time. I miss having a group to reminisce with, but I have an expanding group of friends who have adopted Chinese children, so it becomes less and less necessary.
I would like an agency in retrospect that has a newsletter -- it is a wonderful way to keep connections even after you are back. And I would like an agency that has email and a website.
It goes without saying that I would like courtesy and good facilitators in China. Having excellent Chinese connections (guanxi) is more important than having email.
Added in 2003: I was very happy in my choice of a second agency: US Asian Affairs in Monterey Park, CA. I started a list serv for their families so they would have one. They do only Chinese adoptions. Top.
I wrote up my own announcement and printed it on the computer. My stationery had the world pictured from outer space -- it seemed appropriate for flying to get her. If people gave me a gift, I printed their thank you at the bottom of the announcement. And I tailored each one with a personal statement, if they had been particularly helpful during my wait.
If I hadn't personalized them, I could have printed them at the printer's for less money than the ink cartridge costs. But I really liked personalizing them and so did the recipients. Top.
Attachment and bonding, the child
I can speak for our first daughter that when I got her at 18 mos, after 3 days of careful watching, she decided I was hers and hasn't looked back. The hardest times for us has been after we adopted our second. This was a very difficult situation for our first. It was a long two year adjustment, but it was the right thing to do, and they are very good friends now.
Some babies go through a brief period of grieving or intense crying. Our first did not. She was very quiet and watchful the first few days. It was clear that she was assessing me and her situation. Our second, OTOH, cried intensely when she was handed to me.
The tendency, however, even for me, is to worry that every little sign of pulling away, is a symptom of attachment disorder, instead of seeing it as a normal part of their development. Clearly some things are attachment problems, such as issues of control or anxiety. I recommend the Attach-China list as a place to get good information on a hard subject.
Our first was frightened of my face (I expected that, as I am blonde and figured she's never seen anyone like me). But I feel she was more frightened in that she didn't know who I was, why I was there (and she'd never been out of her orphanage before so that was new) and I SPOKE A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE.
Attachment issues crop up at different times over the life of the child. Some are mild; some are not. It is important to get help, if you need it. Top.
Attachment and bonding, the parents
There are basically two types of bonding on the parents' side of the equation: immediate or slow. Both are normal.
If you meet your child and fall head over heels in love immediately, that is great. And if you meet your child and you wonder what on earth you have gotten yourself into or you think you feel like a babysitter, that is normal too.
For myself, our first knew I was her mom, before I knew she was my baby. It took a few days for it all to settle in for me, but in the meantime I would not have given her back. I did not feel like a babysitter, I just felt nothing. It really helped me that she was so immediately loving to me. If she had rejected me, it would have been more difficult. If she had cried inconsolably, I don't know if it would have bothered my bonding or helped it, because I would have wanted to comfort her. (She did not grieve.) Even so, I wanted her to feel comfortable (and she was so quietly assessing everything).
It took a little while after I was home before I realized the long process was over. I no longer had to worry about any of it. It was done. That was a big relief!! It came sort of as a surprise after having thought and prayed about it for the better part of ten years...And every day was just better and better.
My bonding to my second daughter was more immediate. I fell in love with her picture, even while steeling myself in case it wasn't her. And I knew the process worked. My heart was not locked up tight for fear as it was for my first. Top.
Attachment and bonding, the parents, part 2
I know I worried a lot about whether I would like the child I was referred. I wondered about what age she would be, how cute she was or wasn't, everything! And the longer the wait got, the more I worried. I especially worried because we were SN and it was a whole new ball game compared to a few years ago. The wait was looooooonger than I ever anticipated.
I went to China with a degree of hope, but not a lot. I had no idea what I would expect to find. I needed closure. I needed to either come home with a child, or leave without one, knowing I had done all I could.
Well, I got our first. And like another adoptive mom said, it was not instant bonding. She was older. My mind was racing all the time...
It used to be that if you were in China and did not "like" your referral, you could have another child on the spot. That does not appear to be true now. At that time I had not heard of anyone leaving China without a child. I have since heard of several instances. Now, supposedly, you need to wait for the CCAA to make another referral (wait) or go home and go back again. The exception is if there is something about your referral which you were not told or was unexpected, such as having an SN when they were supposed to be NSN.
I did not feel like one woman who said she felt like a babysitter. I did not feel like a babysitter. But I did not feel like a mom either. I, more or less, felt nothing. The road to reach her was so filled with potholes that it took about two months for it to actually sink in that I HAD her. Gradually the fearful spots in my heart gave way. It took a while for the locks on my heart to let go, one by one.
Just recently a friend asked how long it took me to bond to her. She and I have a close, loving relationship. I told her about 3 months. She was surprised. She would never have guessed it.
Some people want to find a family for a child; some people want to find a child for a family. I think I want a balance. What the parents can parent is an important part of the equation, but it is about a child. Top.
What are you going to say about the birth family?
Some people say they tell their adopted children, you must have got that [your hair color, your abilities, etc.] from your birth family. I have a little different perspective which I wanted to share. Perhaps it is because I have biological children who look and act like themselves (and I know a lot of children who don't look like or have the same interests as their birth families).
If I don't say it to my biological children, I won't say it to my adopted children. Ask yourself if this is something you would say if they were your biological children. If not, chances are you may not need to say it.
One adoptive mother felt genuine pain that one of the things she cannot do for her little girl is give her a reflection of her own face. In my opinion, this is the very least aspect of what we give our child. It is so much more important to give our child family: love, security, hope, life, fulfillment, a sense of over-all well-being, tenderness, kindness... I'm sure this mother does this in abundance. Her love just flows out of her post.
In China our children had their face reflected everywhere, but they had no family.
I know adult domestic adoptees who hunger to meet their birth parent "someone who looks like me" (neither of my bio children look particularly like me) and I know of at least one Korean adult adoptee who has been reunited with his birth mother.
In one sense it is easier with a Chinese adoption because the children look like their nationality, but the funny thing is that in China many of the people did not look Chinese to me.
I think danger lies in building up the birth family to such heights that the child hungers to meet them. If this becomes possible, I am not opposed, but if this is clearly an impossibility, then we have to make the best of it. I know NOTHING of her birth parents.
I always think it is best to tell the truth, age appropriately. It will come back to haunt you when they are older if you make it sound better/worse than it may turn out to be.
I would hope they would be proud of her and what she becomes.
I will encourage her to think well of them, perhaps to pray for them, to forgive them if she feels she needs to, even to love them as I do absent members of my own family. But we don’t talk about them everyday.
In general, I bring up the subject. I want them both to know the subject is OK. It doesn't hurt me to address it. And it takes up more importance in different ways as they grow up. Top.
It can actually be done (I don't know the process, sorry, but it is usually made at the recommendation of your doctor) if you feel the paperwork is way off to your child's real birth date. It might be important to do it, for starting school, and even for eligibility for sports' programs. Most people don't bother, unless it is a necessity. I think, in some cases, it involves bone scans to determine real age.
Some people feel their stated birthdate is an important part of their past. The reality is that it is often a guesstimate based on the umbilical cord, or given by the orphanage in conjunction with an auspicious date to make them seem, to the Chinese mind, more adoptable.
As another friend wrote, the important thing is that you must be comfortable with the birthdate and accept it as real. As you begin to celebrate it, and make your own memories, it will seem more real to you. I have certainly found this to be true with our daughters. Top.
Celebrating (missed) first birthdays
Many people are distressed if they receive the referral for their child, but the child has had/will have his/her first birthday before they can travel. I thought this was such a good idea, I wanted to pass it on:
The FCCNY newsletter, I think, mentioned a group in China who celebrated en masse their daughter's missed first birthdays in China (they were all over a year old). They had the party hats and all the rest. I thought it was a wonderful idea!!! If you missed her first birthday, have it again, both in China and back home-- give yourself the tradition. It was special for them to celebrate it in China and not to feel it had been missed. After all, families with children born in December often celebrate it in July... so celebrate it anyway, if it makes a difference to you! And what a memory you will have! Top.
Keepsake books -- making keepsake books of your trip
Office depot has a heat sealer for making soft cover books. Cost is about $3 per book to bind, depending on how deep a binder (how many pages). They look like a paperback workbook and are very easy to do. You can illustrate them as my oldest daughter has or attach photos with a glue stick. I bound my diary of the trip to China; I bound my pre-referral diary which was all on the computer. I made extra copies of my trip diary for friends, etc. and have bound many of our older daughter’s stories. The cost to buy the machine is approximately $600 the last time I checked. It is not in stock, but can be ordered from the manufacturer. Top.
I never saw a decent doll in China, and believe me, I looked!
The dolls, believe it or not, when I found them, were large cloth, and looked Caucasian. I was thinking, no wonder they have them, who would buy them! Imagine my surprise to see the doll my Chinese friend from Taiwan got her daughter when they were there this summer -- you guessed it!
I was looking for a soft body and nice features.
A friend sent our daughter a darling Chinese baby doll with a soft cloth body, vinyl hands, feet and face, long black hair in braids, a straw hat, and embroidered Chinese-style pajamas. She tells me she bought it in Hong Kong at the Stanley Market. This is, without a doubt, the cutest face I've seen and definitely Chinese. Caidi loved it and carried it around all day. So those of you on the way to Hong Kong, be sure to look for one. They have a similar doll in the airport, but I missed it. Unfortunately, I didn't get into the city of Hong Kong; I only spent time in the airport waiting for my connecting flights.
I also found a cute Chinese doll at the China exhibit at Epcot. They also had beautiful porcelain Chinese dolls
There are also wonderful dolls in China at the Chen Family Pavilion in Nanchang, according to one family. They were soft body, vinyl head, and actually had a "baby", sort of papoose style on the back of the large doll. They were well made and cost approximately $8 each. So, if you are in Nanchang, find the Chen Family Pavilion and you will find terrific dolls for your daughters. (I think this is the same doll available at the Hong Kong airport, if you can find it. A friend who traveled after me, brought one home for me.) Top.
One day, as I kissed our first while putting her into her car seat, I told her what I was thinking: "You know, if I had known in the beginning that my referral was to be for an 18 mos child, I would never have taken out the first piece of paperwork! And that would have been a BIG mistake!"
The next day was my birthday, and when I think of how difficult it was for me before our daughter, compared to after having her, I am so immensely grateful that I did take out that first piece of paperwork.
Hang unto the hope! And keep up all the humor. I took up line dancing in a SERIOUS way about the time I began the adoption. I needed music and joy and fun in my life to keep me going. And I made some wonderful friends! Top.
Face: concept of saving face (in China)
The concept of saving face is an important one for the Chinese, whether we think it is or not. I would recommend a book I read upon my return, but would have liked to have had before: The Joy of Getting Along with the Chinese by Fred Schneiter. It is funny and touching and very real. Top.
I had heard so many scare stories about food and water in China, I'm surprised I even went. Even a friend who owns a local Chinese restaurant said she would never go back because she always gets sick; also that she refuses to eat at her husband's family's home because she says they will eat anything! This did not make me confident.
I do like Chinese food, and in Nanjing, Yangzhou and Guangzhou I had the best Chinese food I have ever eaten. It was all superb, fresh, and better than I have ever eaten. One spicy meal we ordered was spicier than anything I've ever had, but after the first couple of bites, I didn't notice. Our first did not like spicy in any way, shape, or form. We had three banquets in our honor with wonderful food. She ate everything. We were served snake. As my friend said, the beer was better than the snake. It was rather tasteless and mushy. The chicken was laid out in all its parts -- you ate what you wanted (no chicken feet for us) -- so it looked like a chicken: the head, etc. The fish was wonderful. We had fabulous shrimp everywhere we ordered them, and because they were so good, we ordered them everywhere.
We drank every kind of bottled water. You can get Evian. We ended up drinking Chinese brands, and we never had a problem. We brushed our teeth in this water too. We fixed tea at every hotel. We both wore our water bottles in holsters on our waist. It was very convenient. I like the pull tops for the convenience of all of us, especially our daughter. The translator poured water into her cap for her, if we were looking at something when she needed a drink -- good idea.
We ordered fruit salads at both the White Swan and the Central. I bought bananas for our daughter.
A friend said they bought lots of noodles and fixed them in their hotel.
We found the prices to be very reasonable. On an earlier list I mentioned 5 of us ate with a lot left over for the equivalent of $18 US dollars. My friend would order 4 and 5 entrees -- somehow we ate them! A mix of shrimp, mushrooms, fruit, chicken, etc. And the translator when she ordered for us when we were together ordered much the same things. One time she ordered eel ("fish like a snake."). Our daughter loved it!!! It was really quite good.
It is amazing how much you can eat and lose weight when there are no carbohydrates. We were never served any rice (and we didn't order any) except as the last item of a banquet at one meal in Yangzhou -- it was the best fried rice I have ever eaten, and I was too full to enjoy it. (Yangzhou is famous for their Yangzhou fried rice. It was really superb at the restaurant we went to.) I was really surprised that we didn't get rice. It is much more refreshing without it.
I took my own chopsticks but never used them. I figured if I could eat off the plate, I could use the chopsticks. We did not eat in any open market type situations.
I cannot speak for other cities. It might be entirely different. We never felt the need to eat any of the comfort foods we brought -- we liked the Chinese food too much. The baby ate peanut butter crackers (be careful with anything with peanuts as some people are allergic) when she was hungry, and we weren't at a restaurant yet. Also she ate the fruit loops and apple jacks, one at a time, constantly. When she had them in her hand, she was quite happy and content.
I was ready for popcorn when I got home.
The breakfast banquet consisted of many types of filled steamed breads and the special noodle-type side dish in Yangzhou.
Some people speak about eating live shrimp in brandy. We never saw it. <Thank goodness!.> Top.
We had no problems with food. We ate everything and drank all kinds of bottled water. We did not eat at any road stands.
We ate banquets the orphanage gave for us: everything including snake and an interesting concoction served in a champagne glass (appeared to be sprite or 7 up with melon balls) (it was delicious, but when I tried to duplicate it back home, it tasted fermented, so their soda is evidently sweeter or less carbonated, or something.) The lily juice was interesting; we didn't like it (too sweet) but all the Chinese loved it. Lily soup is also interesting. I liked it; my friend did not; my daughterloved it.
We ate at all the hotels we stayed in. The food was fabulous. Best food I have eaten anywhere, ever. So fresh. We ate lots of chicken, ate eel at one place (my daughter loved it, so did we.) We stayed in 4 star hotels and the White Swan. We ate at one restaurant, like a road house on Ding Hu mountain. It was very busy with wonderful food. It was fun to eat with the locals. We had ice cubes at the White Swan. They were made with bottled water.
Friends bought lots of noodles and fixed them back in the room.
I guess use your good judgment. We started out with Evian water only and switched to the Chinese brands with no problems. My friend made tea a lot in the room. I was so full from meals I didn't need anything else. I drank a lot of bottled water because it was so hot in June, and we literally perspired buckets (while the Chinese women looked cool and fresh, LOL).
Believe it or not, I lost weight in China and ate more food than I usually ever eat. There was no rice served unless you ordered it. It is amazing how much food you can eat when it is all meat and vegetables, no carbohydrates, except on the dumplings/steamed breads. Top.
No doubt, if you have done your reading, you know that gifts in China are the way things are accomplished. What seems strange in the beginning seems normal by the time you leave. My translator had to give a couple of larger gifts on my behalf before I got to China. I had to reimburse her for them. This was not a gimmick; she really did it.
I took a multitude of small gifts and gave them all to the translator to determine who should receive which gift, or set of gifts. This was suggested to me, and it made sense: she had a better idea who needed which gift and why. I asked her to be sure to choose some things for herself. She is an extremely generous and conscientious person. All but one gift I bought for her along the way, she had given to a friend before we left China. She may have given that to someone when she got to Beijing.
My agency never mentioned the subject of gifts at all. It was only through networking with others who had gone that I had any feel for what to do. Some agencies prefer pooling a gift of money and giving a larger gift to the orphanage such as a washing machine. The agency knows what is needed. Of course, this only works if you are traveling in a group.
It was apparent that on at least one occasion I made a cash gift. This person reached down and took out a gift for me and said, here is YOUR gift! I was surprised.
Also my translator gave both of us gifts when we left (as we did her.)
There is a reciprocity of feeling in all the gift giving.
When you give the money to the orphanage, it is done with protocol: you are carefully thanked for your donation and told what it is accomplishing. What seemed to be just a payment, suddenly feels very much like a donation.
A book I found very helpful is The Joy of getting along with the Chinese by Fred Schneiter. It explains in more detail the art of gifting and of face. It is funny and insightful. I didn't read it until I got back, but it is so, so true. I would be happy to share more privately.
I heard from someone who thought to make pictures of the baby and of their family to include with her gifts. She thought that would be appreciated. I think it is a wonderful idea! This is the sort of gift from the heart that is appreciated. I found that no one I saw, including my translator, had seen any pictures of our family that I had provided with my dossier (and I presume are sitting in some file in Beijing). I think this helps them visualize where the baby is going.
You can also take along a Polaroid so you can give the gift of an impromptu photograph. I sent my translator many photos as soon as I had them developed. Top.
Gifts for the children in the orphanage
I knew when I went that I was supposed to visit the orphanage. My agency director was skeptical about this, because it has not been allowed since the negative publicity of the orphanages. I had seen a picture of an American father and his son handing out candy to the toddlers at Yangzhou a couple of years before. In the photos the children looked so sweet and were fascinated even with how to take the wrappers off. So I brought individual packages of several different types of candy. My friend did the same and also brought stickers for the older children. We had no idea of the age range of the children or even how many children there were.
We were allowed to go to the orphanage, but only on the grounds and the parents' welcoming room. We were not allowed in the crib rooms or to see the children. We gave our donations of gifts and money in the welcoming room. It was at that point that it was apparent that we would not be allowed to see the other children.
Later, when I showed the pictures that I had brought with me that a friend was kind enough to share, my translator told me "that it is no longer possible for foreigners to go into the childrens' areas and take such pictures in any orphanage." In fact, I was told that at a later date even she was refused admittance to another orphanage by its director, when she wanted to check on the children that had been assigned to others in our agency.
Some of the caregivers were leaning out a window to get a glimpse of us with my daughter. It was apparent that she had never been outside the crib rooms because she did not recognize anything, including the woman who sat with us and escorted us when the assistant to the director was not with us.
I was sorry that we didn't get to see the other children. I would have liked to share their joy in the small gifts that we had brought. Top.
Grieving during your wait/grieving because someone is pregnant (see also Holiday Blues)
Sometimes it just happens that way. Honor your feelings and don't worry about them too much. If you grieve, just grieve. It works better that way.
About a year ago in our adoption group, for whatever reason, they were taking turns role-playing (we've never done this before or since that I know of.) One would play birth mother and the other adopting parent. One of our long time members with two adopted children who was playing a role began to cry. This surprised her out of nowhere.
But she was in a safe environment to express herself.
Talk to someone who understands, like us. Don't try to explain it to someone who doesn't understand.
And try to be good to yourself every day. You might find it difficult again when the baby is born, or when they have a shower, etc. I just couldn't attend. Sometimes I said why, other times I just said I had another engagement .
Do something that makes you happy. Have a cup of tea and re-read my post.
Sometimes life is hard. Be glad you have your children. It is twice as hard without them. (Or, conversely, it is easier because you don't have a real concept, truly, of what you are hoping for.)
Grief is an odd thing and pops up in unexpected places.
Holiday blues (see also Grieving during your wait)
And as I said before, if it were not the holidays or your birthday, it would be a whole lot easier to wait.
You are ever so much further ahead than you were last year! You are almost there. You are not just in the beginning stages of gathering paperwork. You are really so close. Don't despair now!! Just hang in there and we will all rejoice with you. And never doubt that we care. Many of us have walked in your shoes.
I actually came to the point where if I was depressed/blue, I just let myself be depressed/blue. It was part of the process. I was never down on myself, but just tried to honor my feelings, whatever they were (while making happy choices). Perhaps if I had not been blue, or mourned my losses, I would never had pursued it until I got our first Chinese child -- and that has made all the difference in the world for me and for her (and for the family.)
And I can tell you, almost for a fact, that during this time frame, right now before the holidays, decisions are being made in your behalf that you will find out about when you get your referral.
I found out in my case that as early as 6 mos before I knew about my first, they were working on getting her to me. They were networking with the orphanage director and making applications to Beijing in my behalf. All while I was thinking nothing was happening.
Something to help get you through the holidays
Today in our paper down here (Florida Today, Gannett News) Dinah Eng, a Chinese-American columnist whose columns I generally love, wrote a column headlined Practice being angels for each other's needs. She began by saying while visiting a church, she held the hand of a woman crying next to her. Turns out Dinah was staying at the hotel the woman worked at.
Here's a quote:
"....The joy in making such connections is recognizing that we are all angels for each other.
"This holiday season, wherever you are, take time to see the goodness in your soul, and others. Lend an ear to someone who needs to talk. Share a funny story with a stranger. Do something you always wanted to do, but were too scared to try. Practice accepting the joy you really deserve.
"Know that no matter what's going on in your life, you are not alone.
"Love surrounds you.
"Wisdom lies within you.
"And God's moment is now."
Remember that things are happening to your referral whether you know it yet or not. This is happening and will happen.
God bless! Top.
I came in through LA, so I can't speak for other entry places, but it is probably much the same.
I walked through the immigration area and asked someone if I had to get into a different line with the baby. She said yes, if I had just adopted her. The day I came in it was the first line to the right, if you are facing them. I don't know if this is the case always.
There were some Muslim or Indian people in front of me. (They looked Indian but dressed like Muslims.)
They tried to process us as quickly as they could because I had a baby, and we had another plane to catch.
You will be given sealed paperwork from the consulate with the visa papers.
I presented the papers to the man on the far right who asked us some questions. Then the paperwork went to a man to his left. This second man processed the Indian people, then all the crew coming off the different airlines (they seemed to be non-stop.)
By now there was a very long line behind me: of many Chinese people and their children, also of one couple with their adopted daughter from Romania. I couldn't imagine how long it would take if you were at the back of the line.
I was getting antsy about making my plane as I had to exit the international building (with all my bags) and go to the domestic building. A porter had helped me claim my baggage earlier and another porter raced with me upstairs where they were routed to the domestic plane. I didn't check, and they went to Atlanta, but not on to my final destination. Oh well. Then I walked to the domestic building in time for the boarding!
I had a stroller, a diaper bag, my daughter in the front pack asleep (and the waist strap came undone!), and a bag of miscellaneous that wouldn't fit in the suitcases coming back. In addition, I had my money holders in which I kept the passports (so it was a bit hard to get to) and a fanny pack that held items I might need. No purse.
I shipped everything through baggage except this coming home, and even that was too much for me to handle, really, alone. I struggled with escalators in LA, but it all worked. Keep it as light as you can coming home; the baby is enough. Top.
More immigration: important when you go home
When I spoke of going through immigration in my earlier post and what I had carried on board with me, I neglected to say that I also had my immigration papers! They are in a large brown envelope sealed with the visa stapled to the front. I also carried all her adoption paperwork and of course her passport in my money pouch along with mine.
DO NOT PACK THESE PAPERS IN YOUR BAGGAGE THAT YOU CHECK ON! You will need these for immigration. I imagine you could claim your suitcase and fish it out, but it would not be easy or convenient.
Keeping the language and the culture
A lot depends on whether you are good with languages, where you live and the resources around you and your child. When Ming lived here, it was far easier for me to integrate our daughter into Chinese life (and myself and our family).
I came, reluctantly, to the conclusion that I will do what I am able and if that is not as much as it might have been, I will have to forgive myself. Hopefully she will be in Chinese school when she is 5 yo (although in our area they want the children to be Chinese speaking already in order to enroll). And I am cultivating new Chinese friends who, I hope, will include her (but they are often busy with their own lives and not too interested in hers/ours.)
When I asked several Chinese friends about continuing her language, they wanted to know if I was unable to communicate with her in English. They missed the point.
If I, or anyone else, is unable to provide what we had hoped for (or if we desire to provide more than we thought at first that we would desire before we had our daughters) I still hope that people will adopt because that is as important as the culture. If the culture were all important, we would leave them in their orphanage/foster home and not separate them from China.
Before we adopted our first, my husband was adamant: we were raising an American, not a Chinese. He did not know (and probably would not have cared prior to meeting our daughter) (he speaks only English) that adopted at 19 mos she would still at 2 yr 9mos (and very little recent contact) be able to understand and speak some Mandarin (in context). It seems a shame to lose this.
My point is that our desires for our children change once we receive them and see what their interests are. I'm sure many parents who adopt at very early ages would find it next to impossible to introduce Mandarin.
My Chinese friends tell me that their own children cannot speak it or write it after they are in school here. It takes a concerted effort. (They think it is impossible for me with our daughter, and it might be, though they are surprised she still speaks and understands it.) Indeed I met a young college student whose parents are first generation and she said she cannot speak it. (I had hoped she could babysit and speak Mandarin to our daughter.) And another Chinese friend tells me her friends laugh at the pronunciation of her child.
We will all find the right path for our own child/ren and life. Whatever culture we are able to include, great. If we do not integrate any Chinese culture into our life (or very little) it may be saying something very negative or it may be saying it is a function of our life which is multifaceted, and we have limitations. But when our children grow up, they say one thing they needed was validation of culture. Top.
Make sure when you get your money to take to China that it is a newer year and clean: no tears, no ink pen marks, not old looking (no matter the date.) Look the bills over carefully and ask for better ones (what my bank considered clean and what I did were two different things.)
Also don't take brand new bills, which may look counterfeit.
In China when you exchange dollars for yuan, be sure the yuan that you are given is equally fresh. You may not be able to spend yuan that is old looking. So watch the money you are given as change in stores too. Return any old looking, tattered bill for fresh right then.
Usually there is no tipping in China. At the Central hotel in Nanjing, the bell man stood as though he was expecting it. I had no yuan. When I got some, I asked at the front desk where he was so I could tip him, and I was told that it was forbidden for any staff to accept tips. All this, and you get terrific service!
The exchange rates in the stores are a little lower than a bank, but at the White Swan you could use US dollars in the gift shops.
You will be given itemized receipts for every payment made on behalf of the adoption. Some will be entirely in Chinese and you will not be able to read it except for the amount. As a keepsake, you might want to label these as you go, so you can remember what they were for. I will be happy to share more about these receipts privately. Top.
I have conflicting views of being able to take RMB out of China from the books I own:
Easy Chinese Phrase book and Dictionary by Wendy Tung (a wealth of info easily given on all aspects of China) 1996: "Rembinbi also cannot be taken out of China. Again, if you keep your FEC exchange receipt, you can exchange your remaining FEC back to foreign currencies before leaving China."
Remember that you lose some percentage each time you exchange, so better to exchange in smaller quantities a couple of times.
Lonely Planet confirms needing FEC receipt in order to exchange any remaining RMB at the end of your trip.
Fodor’s: There is no limit to the amount of money, etc that you can bring into China…do not lose your currency declaration form or any of the exchange receipts. These may be required when you leave…It used to be illegal to carry Chinese currency out of China, but this regulation has been relaxed. You are allowed to bring in or take out up to 6,000 yuan, nevertheless most prefer to exchange back at the end of the trip.
P.S. One poster remarked that you can bring out relatively as much as you want. She has had several hundred US dollars worth in her Texas dining room at times. She even used some of them as decorations around a poster made to advertise a trip. She says that if you get some 'new' money, it makes a nice souvenir for your daughters baby book. They can be framed into 'collections' of front and back. She recommends bringing some (at least) one of each denomination (if you can afford it), as they are quite beautiful and show many of the minority peoples native dress.
I agree the money is really lovely.
Sometimes children are teased because their names are odd or unusual, American or foreign born. My daughter's 11 yo Chinese friend (with Chinese parents) kept her Chinese name which no one could begin to pronounce, but after a couple of years it began to sound normal. (2003 More recently she chose her own American name; she chose Ann.)
Additionally, nearly all my Chinese friends have an American name that they use among non-Chinese. In talking to one friend this morning and mentioning her name (that I know her by), she said, oh, that must be her American name!
Our daughters did not/do not respond to any Chinese name whatsoever, but responded to their English name in about 2 days. Our first responded if she wanted to, to Baobao (baby) or Mei Mei (little sister.) I doubt if they ever used her Chinese name, or maybe I wasn't even given it! Though, as I said, she responded to baby and little sister, so she had heard that a lot. She also knew Jiejie (big sister) and Gege (big brother.)
It seems to me just use common sense. If the child is older and attached to the name, certainly keep it. A friend of mine who adopted twins from Brazil at 3 kept their names and used their American names as "love-names" -- the children switched themselves at some point and the family uses the Brazilian names as "love-names".
It is only fair to mention that many adult adoptees feel their original name should be kept as part of their official name. It is one thing they came with.
My husband says of our first, that she just thinks her life is normal. First you live in an orphanage; then you find your family. She doesn't know it is ever done any other way. We couldn't be closer if she were my birth child. That was my one worry, that the older the child, would they bond? The issues I see as she gets older are her strong-willed nature, which helped her survive, and some anxieties. Top.
The joys of being a really old mom
When your legs ache all over, you know it's not arthritis, it's from climbing over all the child-proof gates!
---------
2003: Yep, I'm older and I don't know if my girls have kept me young or aged me, LOL. I'm about 5 yrs behind, and I figure it will take me a year to catch up. I thought I'd be done by Labor Day, but it is not going to happen. I let a lot of things slide, like magazines and periodicals, and I'm getting through them and taking them to the library. It's good to get my life back while they are in school. Top.
Mulan, the Chinese way by Dinah Eng
"I am the eldest of seven daughters, born to a traditional Chinese- American father who always wanted a son.
"Through the years, I've never heard my father say, "I love you" or "I'm proud of you." Instead, I've received compliments from his friends, who say he's very proud of me or loves me dearly. That is the Chinese way.
"Such thoughts flashed through my mind as I watched..."Mulan"...along the way, she proves how much courage lives in her heart...
"'Mulan,' a beloved legend to the Chinese, is a story about self-discovery, honor and the power of the individual...
"Cultural differences are not easily understood, and just as I may not always relate well to my father, the United States sometimes operates like it hasn't a clue about how to deal with China.
"Here's one suggestion: No disrespect to James R. Sasser, but the relationship between the two could move light years ahead if we appointed a Chinese-American ambassador to China. People tend to trust those who look like them more than those who do not, and the Chinese are no different." Dinah Eng Top.
On the aol China adoption boards a writer stated that in making a quilt for her Chinese daughter, she was trying to teach her. She felt her daughter would not know a lot about her origins, and she "wanted to use the quilt to teach her that everyone is a puzzle and that the secret of life is to try to understand yourself and those around you." Top.
Packing [Click here to see a packing list].
Leave it all home -- only kidding
You could get away with having only your passport, money, credit cards, makeup, diaper bag and paperwork. If everything else got lost, you’d be OK!
Happy traveling all of you who are leaving this week!
PS My translator says some couples she has worked with have even forgotten (yes! forgotten!!) ALL their money. I asked her what she did. "I loaned it to them," she said. Great translator! Top.
Leave it all, but take the baby -- only kidding
Last night I was thinking how funny it was getting into the Nanjing airport to leave for Guangzhou after I got our first.
We schlepped everything ourselves and our translator helped us. It was a RIOT if you could have seen us trying to get up the stairs to the departure side of the Nanjing airport (there are about 10 steps to negotiate) (two separate buildings) and still having to buy the airport tax coupon. So, we had to LIFT, not roll, up the stairs. And my Yangster was in the front pack. The stroller was folded and one more thing to schlep. My friend at this point had her huge roll-on duffel and a large box of carefully wrapped jade from the jade factory. I wish someone had taken a video. It wasn't funny at the time! (Her jade all got home without breaking.)
Anyway as I was thinking about this and laughing to myself, I'm thinking, the only thing I really needed was the baby, her diaper bag, our papers and passport and a credit card.
So I visualized myself just saying, Forget it! I'm not taking these bags anywhere else and abandoning them at the foot of the steps at the airport! And then I started giggling envisioning dozens and dozens of likewise abandoned luggage ALL over China as we all did the same thing!
So tonight at Ming's another Chinese couple was there, and she said the last time she visited her mom in China with her little kids, her mom made her promise to hold onto the kids and passports and forget the luggage! She had to stay overnight in HK and schlep her luggage and kids to the hotel and back. She and I were cracking up, it was so funny. Maybe only someone who has done it would understand the humor!
Addendum: I sent this to my translator's daughter and here is her reply:
<<I really wanted to laugh at your funny story at Nanjing Airport. (Of course I can't laugh, because I am sitting in the computer lab.) Wait till you see the train station in China! (And of course I wouldn't let you get onto a regular train in China.) And wait till you see the public bus in Nanjing during the rush hours! Then you will have lots and lots more funny stories to tell and to laugh at! >>
As you head off on your wonderful adventure, I hate to tell you this, but if you enjoy it as much as I did, be prepared to do it again! (I did.) Relax and enjoy! Top.
Suggestions for packing [Click here to see a packing list].
I traveled by myself with another friend who met me in LA. I tried to travel as light as I possibly could because I knew I would have to carry it all. If it didn't fit, I didn't take it. Even so, my friend Ming laughed and said, They do have stores there, you know.
I took 2 roll-on suitcases that would fit on the plane. I checked one through baggage and rolled on the other. In addition I had a stroller and diaper bag that I tagged all the way to Nanjing also.
I tagged the baggage all the way to Nanjing since I was flying straight through, but needing to make various connections. On top of the one I rolled I had my bag of papers -- complete copy of my dossier, copies of income tax, power of attorney (as my husband didn't travel) so that even if nothing else got through, I would be OK. This was a mistake in that it was so heavy my arms and hands ached. The roll on was not meant to roll so heavy!
In one suitcase I packed my clothes and makeup, a minimum of diapers and food for my new daughter (in case the other suitcase got lost), and all the gifts. This is the one I rolled on. If I were to do it again, I'd ship all but the papers through. I would carry those on in a roll on bag.
In the other I packed the extra diapers, extra wipes, extra food, extra clothes for our daughter. I felt the diapers would be gone, and I could use the empty suitcase for anything I bought in China. This had an expanding top and was packed to the brim.
I went in June 1997. I was told to bring my oldest clothes, so I did. I think this was a mistake in one way, because all the women in China were so nicely dressed in the cities I went to (Nanjing, Yangzhou, and Guangzhou). I looked like a poor relation. On the other hand, I didn't mind messy fingers and kisses.
Basically for me I took 2 pair of shorts, about 3 tops, a split skirt, underwear and one night garment. I took a small amount of Tide to wash things with and washed out at night any time we would stay more than one night in the hotel (in case it took 2 days to dry). Everything was dry in the morning.
I took disposable liners and wipes for myself. My friend brought antiseptic wipes for hands and face (very handy), also antiseptic shower gel, and Gold Bond powder and medicated cream. All this was a help (a necessity!) in the extreme heat. Also we took everything we would need for our periods. My friend packed tissues and toilet tissue. We never used the toilet tissue.
In China I bought lovely silk blouses so I could have dressed up, but I would have been a mess with our daughter, so I saved them for home.
I did not know her size when I left, so it was more difficult to pack for her. I took 3 dresses in 3 sizes: one might be small, but the others would fit, even if long. I took three onesies in different sizes. I took about 6 socks and two pairs of sandals in different sizes. If neither of those had fit, I would have bought a pair. Also a frilly headband for her hair. I took one package of approximately 84 diapers in the size to fit up to a 25 pound child (my husband felt, even if they were big, they could be overlapped.) I took one package of diaper doublers which Publix (my Florida grocery) sells, because they are wonderful to give extra protection at night. I took small bottles of baby shampoo and baby bath and lotion. I packed a couple of bibs, but often used the cloth napkins at the restaurants (a safety pin is a help in securing these, or use the clamp end of the pacifier holder). In the diaper bag I also had a couple of bottles, the liners, and pacifiers (she wasn't interested, but they were fun to examine and chew on.) I took about 4 toys: hard plastic animal (my bio kids loved them), 1 plush toy (she was afraid). I also took 3-4 cloth diapers as her loveys (again, she was not interested then, but she is now.)
I did not take any medications for the baby because of where she was coming from, and also because I felt she would be used to whatever they gave her in China, and I didn't want to upset her system. I found out there is a clinic in the White Swan, but we never used it. I felt any other remedy I could find in China, and it would be what she had been given, if anything. My doctor would not prescribe antibiotics sight unseen. I don't know where I would have put them if he had! (Some people take the Texas Medical Kit.)
I made sure I left diapers at home in case my suitcases didn't arrive when I did. It's a good thing, because they stayed in Atlanta while I went on!
All the planes deplaned and boarded on stairs, not ramps. Additionally, we deplaned onto buses or trams (and went out to the plane). The transit areas in Taipei and also Hong Kong involved stairs. It was quite AWFUL lugging this up the stairs and down. Coming home, I checked through both bags, but had Caidi in a stroller. My friend would negotiate the foot of the stroller while I took the handles and we carried Caidi up and down flights of stairs. It was a workout! Thanks be to all the men who go along!
I knew I cannot carry any weight, so even the papers had to be able to roll. They sat on the top of the stroller cover while I rolled Caidi, or went into the stroller if she was in the front pack. You must have these papers to go through immigration. Figure out how you can best manage all this gear, plus a wiggly child.
Coming home I took on board with me the baby (of course) (19 lbs), her diaper bag, the money pouches and fanny pack (on me), the papers and her stroller and a shopping bag with things that wouldn't fit in the now mostly empty suitcase! Why is it that everything expands when you take it out! I truly didn't think I had bought much at all.
Someone asked me about my front pack. I have had it since my second child. It was hand made by someone connected with the birthing center. I particularly like it. I know nothing about the other brands out there right now, but didn't like the kind with several layers that zipped (too hot for tropical, which is where I live.) I had considered buying a sling, but felt I would just go with what I had and use the stroller. She did not like the stroller at first (another story) but we worked it out. The day I had to use the front pack because she refused the stroller, just killed my back and shoulders. She weighed 20.5 lbs! I did hear of someone going around town with a bag of flour in her front pack before she left. While it mortified her kids, it got her in shape and she had the fun of telling people why she was doing it.
I still had diapers when I got home. I used about 3-4 a day. If your child had diarrhea, you would have to buy more diapers. This list is, of course, for hot weather. You would need to add sweaters, long pants, jackets, etc. for the baby and you if you traveled in winter. But keep it light and keep eliminating!
For our second child I took even less.
My friend who traveled with me brought Gold Bond powder and Gold Bond anti-itch cream. I had never heard of them before. If you travel in the hot months, they are very effective for heat rash. The cream is very good where an underwire chafes in the heat. It is cooling because of the menthol. Definitely worth taking with you!
She also brought Lever 2000 body wash. It is antibacterial, but moisturizing. I liked the smell. Top.
I traveled in Nanjing, Yangzhou, Guangzhou, Seven Star Crags, and various sightseeing side trips. I passed through the airports of Taipei, HK, and Guangzhou. My encounters with Chinese people were always sweet. I had been warned that everywhere I went people would surround me and want to touch my hair (blonde) (bottled). In fact, there were always people around me, but no one ever tried to touch our hair.
In Nanjing when we were trying to find the Friendship Store (and we never did), we would ask someone on the street and show our map. They would point us in what turned out to be the right direction. We were so tired, that I guess we couldn't read a map anymore, because just about a week or so ago, I found it on the map. I'm glad we turned around because it looks farther than we would have liked to go. One person acted frightened, when we asked them and just said, "No English." and really hurried away. This was all pre-baby.
After getting my Yangster, people would come up to make sure her front pack wasn't too tight or just to be sure I knew how to take care of her or to compliment her or to meet us. We would sometimes gather a pretty big crowd, all asking, Why Chinese? Why China? I answered, Because I love her. Because I love China.
I lost count of the number of people who wanted to take their picture with us (and did) and wanted their picture with the baby. I wish I had taken pictures of them taking pictures of us. I have only one crowd scene picture.
It is clear that they love their children. We were glad to see every little girl on the street with her family, no matter what her age.
I was asked repeatedly: boy or girl? One grandmother whose grandchild had on the split pants, told us happily (of hers) "boy!" then turned him around so we could see that the front of his pants was cut away too!
Communicating was not a problem. I never attempted to pronounce Chinese. I either pointed to the phrase book or pantomimed (or my translator was there to help out.)
Two somewhat negative incidents stand out: the first in claiming our baggage in Nanjing, it was every man for himself! And second, a man practically mowed us down in line to check the baggage at one of the airports. I gather this is not considered rude in China, though our guide had something to say to him.
Positive incidents included a woman giving us a gift for the baby on the street; meeting a medical doctor on her day off at the botanical garden (she asked where we adopted and told us of babies adopted from her hospital – she was a pediatrician and was most taken with our child); wonderful, wonderful service in all the hotels (if you want to be pampered, go to China!); the elderly gentleman with no teeth who broke into the most exquisite grin when he spotted our daughter coming down the stairs as we were going up and by gestures told us he was sorry his clothes were old when we wanted his smile captured on film; the woman who gave me her fan when I complimented her and wouldn't take it back as we were leaving; the sense of honesty (where else could you walk the streets, two not so strong looking women, with more than $6000 cash on you and not expect a problem?)
It was not a problem to feel friendly -- we were! I love my guide like family now. I feel a deeper connection to China than I had thought possible, and I'm really glad I went; it gives me a whole new perspective on my daughter's birth country. Reading a book about China just didn't give me the same feeling until I had been there. And going to adopt just put a glow on everything -- maybe a vacation in China would not have the same vibes, but I hope to find out someday. Top.
They kill babies in China, or how to be politically correct
It's hard to know sometimes how to be politically correct. While I was spending years miscarrying, babies were being left in dumpsters and even in the woods. This is not a phenomena only of China, by any means. Nor is it the true picture of China.
Unfortunately, not all babies are wanted (at least by their birth parents), but that is no fault of the child. It may not even be a "fault" of the parent, at least in cases of some international babies who are left because there is no food for them or other causes we find hard to imagine, such as famine or war. Sometimes it is only these circumstances that make placement necessary.
Those children who are adopted are very, very wanted.
Life is a mixed bag. I don't think it helps us to whitewash it. Some issues are just not clear, but it is never the child's "fault." Now, how do I adopt again? (2003: I figured out a way.) Top.
All comments to me have been positive. The only negatives have been peoples’ views of China. China is quite different from what they believe and even from what I expected. I suppose it is wise to be prepared for an occasional off-the-wall comment, because I've heard of those too.
One time I asked the speaker if s/he had ever been in China. No, but they thought they were an expert.
I'm sure my Chinese daughters will face prejudice (we all do) and I have prejudices of my own (I may even keep some of them). Together we can come up with answers. Would that we could keep all hurts at bay. Top.
People say the darndest things
I've had more people ask me, if I'm going to tell our daughter she is adopted. Then they sort of pause and move their hands between us: we look so different, it's rather obvious! We all have a laugh! (Though when I show people my baby picture, they wonder where I got a picture of my Yangster that young!) (When I was in Nanjing, I thought many of the older people looked like my grandparents.)
One Chinese waitress in a local restaurant told the owner and me that I shouldn't talk about Caidi being adopted. The owner who is a friend of mine, and also Chinese, thought that was so silly: it is obvious! (By the way I've made many new Chinese friends during the process who all feel positive.)
The last few days in China I was asked repeatedly if our Yangster was mine. I said yes. Then they would ask, Is she Asian? I thought, Isn't it obvious?! I don't think they ever considered she was adopted! Perhaps this is because I was not traveling in a group. They either wondered if my husband is Asian (he is not) or were recognizing how close the bond was between us in such a short time.
And while I was waiting for her, everyone asked if I had considered going to Russia/a Russian adoption. It got rather old! Top.
What can I say, guys... my husband is the picture taker and he stayed home. I, of course, had the baby. So, who took pictures???? <g>
I did get a few. But everywhere you looked there was something to take a picture of. You try to remember it all in your mind's eye, while your mind's eye is thinking only of the child sitting on your lap. I had to remind myself to actually see what I was looking at.
My friend who went with me sent me duplicates of hers. That was a big help. I never thought to think that one of the important things she would need to do would be to take pictures for me of me and the baby. My translator took quite a few, but mostly I just forgot and tried to savor the moment.
I was fascinated by everything I was looking at and eventually made the decision I was going to live this dream, rather than photograph it. Well, good thing there are a few of you willing to share your pictures with me!! <g> I've managed to fill in quite nicely and the rest have become word pictures in my adoption travel diary.
By the way, my pre-trip memories, trip, and post-trip (home) are all on computer so they might get read.
2003 -- on my trip for my second, I lost the camera with pictures that could not be replaced. Another woman on this trip accidentally videoed over the top of her receiving her daughter. Even if you are careful, it isn't easy to do everything right. Top.
Be prepared
Things no one ever told you
On the international flight coming home, our first had one major, major poop on the plane -- all over her, the seat belt, etc. Fortunately, it did not get on me, for I had no change of clothes for myself on the plane! The attendant helped me find the bath with the changing table and put it in the down position for me (I had no hands free). He put me to the front of the line, for it was obvious it was an emergency. I carried her practically upside down to the bathroom so as not to get it anywhere else. In the bathroom, I had to strip her down. She hated the changing table (the first we had used) because she was scared of it and we were kind of swaying. I just kept talking to her. I carried her back through the plane dressed only in the diaper until I could get to her extra clothes back at the seat. It's funny now!
You might seriously consider packing 1-2 changes (of at least tops) for yourself, for the flight home, especially if you have a younger baby who tends to spit up. I just never considered it. Very lucky for me that I hadn't needed it! Top.
A comment about slippers on the plane
The floor of the bathroom on the plane was extremely foul more than once on the flight to and from China. The flight attendants tried to keep up with it, but it was not nice. They provided us disposable slippers -- and I know why! No way would you want to use your own slippers on this floor. Your shoes would be better. I had no idea it would be like this. We got so we would tell each other: go now, they just cleaned it. Top.
Referral
Craziness after referral
<< things are getting really crazy around here ( okay, gotten) which is hard for me since I like order.>>
I had to laugh at this!! What's "order?" It went out the window with my referral!! Even in China, it was not to be found (though I had no problems, I kept losing things: baby toys, some non-essential keepsake paperwork). (The camera on my second adoption.)
Get used to it! It only gets better. Who wants order when they can have a child ??!! (2003: I'm definitely ready for order now, LOL, and am working diligently at getting it back.)
Because I was planning to go back-to-back Europe/China, people wondered if that was making it particularly difficult. Not really. I think going to Europe saved my sanity while I waited to go to China. I would not have accepted to go to Europe had I heard at that time that China was coming through. But if I hadn't accepted Europe (waiting for China) I would still not have heard a thing from China. You know how it goes!! One of my fondest memories is sitting on the Champs Elysees with my daughter watching people, waiting for my friend who was looking for a store (she never found it)and thinking that in two days I would be winging my way to China. Unbelievable!!
Yesterday was my 6 month anniversary with our daughter. The time has flown. How can 6 mos of waiting seem an eternity and 6 months with the child be an eye-blink! Top.
A caution about pictures with referrals
I've not seen this mentioned anywhere, but it might have been earlier.
I would just like to say use caution with the pictures you receive with your referrals.
I was well aware when I was in the process that many, many times the pictures are not of the child that is actually received.
You may not be able to stop yourself from bonding to the picture, but it is more important to bond to the child in your lap, and you will not REALLY know until you are in China what child you actually are receiving. Many children look different as they are several months older.
There are many reasons for this when it happens. Maybe the child died...maybe they went to someone else...maybe they are too sick to travel....maybe.... maybe.... maybe you find out....maybe you don't....
As I've said before, you ask your agency a lot of questions and realize that China is pragmatic. You go with the flow of how it works. After all that is why you chose China. They do NOT operate as we would here. But not to worry. I've never heard of anyone not loving the child they go home with. (2003: I have heard of some disruptions.) Top.
Nervous around the time of the referral
Someone asked if it was usual to be nervous around referral. I can only speak for myself: I certainly was.
This was aggravated by hearing I would get my referral any day (I was then petrified and very nervous) (nothing was shared with me at the time about this referral) to waiting untold months during which I was afraid it was not going to happen. In truth, I should have got my referral in a couple of days. It had been made, but Beijing refused to sign off on it bec it was for a healthy 2.5 yo and I qualified only for SN because of bio children.
The short version of the long story is that by the time I actually received my referral, I had totally given up. I needed closure one way or the other. I was way beyond nervous. The call came so unexpectedly that there wasn't time to be nervous. I had used up all my nervousness 7 months earlier.
As far as talking to a therapist about ambivalence, I had plenty of ambivalence too. I could have been a whole lot happier for 10 years, if I could have given it up. I just couldn't. So.....while I wondered, if I was nuts for continuing to pursue it, and waiting through a great void, when I actually considered giving it up, it was so depressing to me that I knew I had to see it to the end. However, what on earth would I have done if China had not come thru for us??? That is the tough question. Thank God, I didn't have to answer it. And this on top of having a basically happy life with many blessings all except for the addition of this latest child.
There was an article not too long ago in Adoptive Families (well maybe a year ago). As I remember, it was titled something like, Don't let fear rob you of your joy. The writer, I think a single woman, as I remember it, actually turned down her referral she was so frightened, then called the agency up to accept her. She did talk to a therapist. Her title basically says it all.
Good luck! It is a hard road, but well worth it. And yes, your life changes a lot, but no one can tell you how full it will be with love and joy. That puts all the work into perspective.
You are almost a mom, that's what's right, not what's wrong! And every emotion in the book will probably be yours before this is over!
Don't worry about what you haven't done, you have time to get the things (diapers, etc) when you know how old she is. The rest you can do once you get home if you need to. It is a lot of fun to shop with her in hand and show her off.
You'll do fine! Top.
In early days many people did not get photos, but it is common to get photos now, and sometimes many photos, if you adopt from China.
I had been told by several friends not to bond to the picture, for a variety of reasons. In many cases the photo is not accurate or you worry endlessly over an imagined problem whereas the photo is just bad.
In our case, the first real picture we had of our first was at the registrar's office before I ever met her.
That said, if I had received the actual referral picture of our first before I got her, I would have fallen in love with her, then I would have worried that I would not have got her (another loss!) No other picture of anyone's referral touched my heart the way this picture did, I can't tell you why. And I did fall in love with my second's picture and hoped against hope that she would really be mine.
If you want to see her referral picture and her passport picture to see how she had changed click here. I worried like crazy from the registrar's office until I met her (about 3 hours, better than 8 weeks) because she looked so old and I had wanted a young child. Then because they had shaved her head, she looked entirely different again, but definitely the same child.
If I were you, I would just accept it as another glitch in the road and realize it is another similarity between your adoption and an actual birth child -- none of us with biological children ever got to see their face before they were handed to us, ditto for anyone who adopts a newborn.
If you are with a reputable agency, it should not be a problem. Top.
The day of the terrible referral
About three months ago I got a call from a good friend. She was terribly distraught. Her long-awaited referral had come in a couple of days before. It wasn't what she wanted. It wasn't what she hoped for. It blew all her dreams. She'd been crying for days. She could hardly go to work. She had waited to call until she could speak without crying. She thought she had been referred a sumo wrestler. Her child was 18 months (and healthy) and getting bigger. She had wanted 10 months max. She wanted a different child.
Well, my child was 18 months at referral and approximately 19 mos at travel, and I too had hoped for a younger child. Your child is smaller, she said.
As the days went by we continued to talk. She thought it would be her only child, and she had always wanted a baby. During the time of the wait, she had turned down several domestic situations, or they never panned out. She said both she and her husband felt they wanted to wait for their Chinese child.
One day she called and said, I need to know just one thing, tell me I won't be disappointed! I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't tell her, if SHE would be disappointed or not. I could only say for myself. She heard the hesitation in my voice.
I'll tell you what I told her: Yes, I would have liked her to be younger, but I would not trade this child for a 3 month old (and I LOVE 3 month olds.) That it is an incredibly difficult time and emotional, and I would not want to go through it again, nor would my daughter. It took her a long time to find her mom and for me to find my child. That if she had been one year at referral, I would then have wished she were 6 months, and if she had been six months, then I would have wished that she was newborn, and if she were newborn that I had given birth to her (I like to breast feed.) But guess what? No way could I ever be the BIRTH mother of this child, she is CHINESE!! So at some point, you say the only way I will ever have a CHINESE child is to go with the system.
And sometimes, the only way I will have ANY child is to go Chinese.
And yes, I felt terrible. I told her it takes a couple of months even after you have your child sometimes to feel that it is OK. But this child deserves to be loved. My daughter deserves a better mother than one who wishes she were younger!
What if she wanted a different MOTHER: one who was younger, THINNER, prettier, RICHER, nicer, CHINESE?!
Her referral was accepted (and not by her) by her agency who didn't wait for her answer. Boy! that was another issue. (more on that in another posting) We had the same translators.
Then her travel orders looked delayed. She called me in tears: her agency was awful, her translators were awful (never mind that I said they were great -- You had a different experience, she said.) Then they came through with her travel, as I said they would.
(You have to understand that in China nothing is arranged as it is in the US. You can't just pick up the phone and coordinate. It is a matter of having connections. It takes a few days to get anything together. There are appointments to coordinate between government offices and even the American consulate. I figure the best time it could be coordinated in is one week. If you were lucky. And the best time frame to get all your appointments accomplished is maybe five days. It is arranged so that YOU can spend as little time in China as is necessary to accomplish your adoption. You do not want to wait unnecessarily so everything is coordinated like a dance. In her case they were going to an orphanage her agency had never been to before. Everything was new. So it would not be easy to coordinate all the various appointments.)
Off she went to China with dragging hopes.
And back she is with the love of their lives. She said to me, You were right. The translator IS wonderful. It made up for all of it.
Her daughter is healthy; also smaller than the paperwork would have led her to believe; she is definitely 20 months of terrific kid. She wouldn't trade her for a 3 month old -- NO WAY!
As I said, it was the day of the terrible referral. Top.
Waiting for your referral: A word of caution about desks, matching room, etc
There have been many posts concerning where one's dossier is at any given moment. I think this is a particularly Western view (American view?)
What I mean by this, is we all hope we can know EXACTLY where it is and WHAT IS HAPPENING to it.
The truth of the matter is, if you receive several referrals, as I did (and I did not know about them!) your dossier is passing back and forth between desks ad infinatim. And if your dossier gets lost, as mine did, who knows where it went or how it was found.
The Chinese, I believe, DO NOT CARE. Now, what I mean by this is that they are pragmatic. Who cares where your referral is (except for you), they have a system, they know it works, everyone gets a referral, you have to wait your turn, they all get found, etc.
My agency never told me one thing about where my dossier was. At least they never told me I'd never get a child, as one of you told me your agency told you! (And she has her child, so not to worry.)
The reality of it is, that by the time you are told where your dossier is, it may very well be someplace else.
However, all this speculation accomplishes one thing: it occupies our thought so we don't go stir crazy during the wait.
I sympathize with all the lost referrals. It is a really, really tough place to be. May you soon realize that the child you get is the one you were meant to have from the beginning. This is how I feel about my girls.
Who cares how many times it passed over the desks. Top.
Your referral will come when you least expect it. Top.
Occasionally a referral is lost by being rescinded by the CCAA. When China withdraws the referral, the next referral should be quite fast. Usually a reason is given: the child tested positive for Hep, or the child is too ill to travel (or even died), or has been adopted by a domestic Chinese couple. It is very hard, understandably, when this happens. But on the occasions when this has happened, the CCAA has worked very hard to get another referral to the adopting family as soon as possible. In some cases they were still able to travel with their original group.
There is no way of knowing if you are given the real reason.
I was told repeatedly to bond only to the child, not the referral or the picture, because sometimes a different child is brought to you and that is the one you go home with. We don't always know the reason why. That is why some agencies say very little about the referral. Top.
I think in many ways we make our own lives what they become.
It is important to live your life so you have the least regrets. I knew I would regret forever if I did not get this child. She was as necessary to me as breathing, but I still had many fears until it happened. You probably will have too. But only you know what you would most regret. You get past the fears to make it happen. Top.
Requirements for Chinese adoption: Age of adopting parents; children or no children
Presently NSN referrals are coming in about 13mos from DTC (Date your dossier gets to CCAA). SN adoptions can be faster, as are adoptions for people who are Chinese (as defined by CCAA.) Parents must be between the ages of 30 and 55.
If you have not chosen your agency, I highly recommend US Asian Affairs in Monterey Park, CA. They do no advertising, so you are lucky to find them if you don't live in CA. They do many adoptions outside of CA also. Top.
Yes, it is a roller coaster ride, that is for sure, especially if you were one of us who waited and waited through all the changes.
What starts out fun (or scary as the case may be) ends up an exercise in frustration, tears, wondering if it will EVER happen, wondering if your dossier is lost behind a file cabinet, wondering if there is even any such thing as a referral, wondering.....and very little answers that don't change with the wind. This is especially true if you are SN and we were (because of 2 bio children). I also had added fears that we had passed some magic age limit because my husband is now 53, and well, we were getting older and older while this wait went on, and I endured it.
And it doesn't help if your agency is not the most helpful.
But it is all worth it! While I would much rather have rode this roller coaster in the glory days of fast referrals and even faster travel, the result is my girl, and this was undoubtedly the only way we could get her.
If you are somewhere in the process, where you would like to GET OFF, but your child is not yet with you, take heart. It is a little like being in the transition stage of delivery in a pregnancy. You don't have a choice; just keep on keeping on. Try to keep your spirits up. The referrals do start coming again and yours will too. Top.
It is sad to hear of people separating over the issue of having children, but it is not as unusual as it seems. Marriages sometimes break up over this issue. We have so many more choices open to us than in previous generations -- children were just an accepted part of life, if you married. Now, the choices are if and when, and then when "when" finally comes, is it an "if" or a for-sure...in many ways previous times seem so much easier, but I wouldn't trade living in today for anything.
I hear privately from people who are still struggling with this issue even up to referral. Jill Smolowe mentions in her book An Empty Lap that even when they left for China, she did not know if they would come back with one parent or two...my own husband was adamantly opposed to our adoption at first.
Additionally, having the child, couples find their friendships with other couples changing. Sometimes our best friends don't anticipate how much we long for children/another child. Couples we were personally very friendly with before our children are only on the periphery of our lives now, not because we chose it, but because they chose/choose it. And it is for different reasons, depending on the couple. But they prefer to spend time with other childless couples or with couples whose children are grown.
But if having this child is important to you, you take the necessary steps to accomplish getting her/him.
It is only fair to say there are divorces in the process of the wait and there are divorces after the child is adopted. There are lists for both. I started the list divorceafteradoption @ yahoogroups though I am not divorced. Top.
Our first basically runs around the house barefoot. I put shoes on her when we arrive, if we are going out, because she delights in taking them off in her car seat! While I agree with the idea of velcro, she is a Houdini in this type shoe and has one off while I am putting on the other! Since we live in Florida, this is not a problem. I notice on the colder days she is willing to leave her tie shoes and socks on in the house.
I traveled to China with two sizes of sandals, both previously belonging to my older daughter. I figured if one was too small, the other would fit. She was able to wear both, but the larger size looked more comfortable. Both were bigger than the sandals she arrived in which were way too small. I felt I'd buy a pair of shoes if neither fit.
When we got home, at 19 mos, she was wearing a size 3. (A Chinese friend's hand-me-downs at size 5 and 5 1/2 were huge by comparison -- her daughter is only 4 mos older than Caidi.) Recently, at 23 mos, I put her in size 4 1/2 (another pair of our older daughter) that are a tad big. She has definitely outgrown the 3. Top.
At one point in time, the child could be switched on the spot, as in walking thru the crib rooms and choosing another. This is not done now. According to our US Consulate if a child is changed you are supposed to go back to the originating city and have the new paperwork issued and wait for Beijing's approval.
It is possible to get a different child if there is some change in your expectations. If the child has some problem you did not know about, it is possible to switch the child. Otherwise, it will be difficult. Top.
This Thanksgiving is so much different than last Thanksgiving when I was still struggling with 5 miscarriages. Three occurred in November of different years, one in September, and the last one was due the day after Thanksgiving. You could have written Thanksgiving off the map. God and I had a few conversations, let me tell you!
I could relate to the woman who wrote she had waited her whole life to thank God for her child -- it seemed like my whole life!! And I do give thanks.
Whatever your personal circumstances, you took control back to make this happen. I know one of you mentioned that the joy you would expect to feel as a perspective parent is pretty much missing, because of your agency...that was true for me also, and I was so afraid it wasn't going to happen
(I was SN when no one knew what SN meant.) But when you get your child, you will rejoice the greater for it. It took about two months after I was home before I really realized it had happened and I could leave all the anxieties behind.
May your next Thanksgiving be filled with writing to us on the bulletin board the particular joys of your own child -- you will have some wonderful stories to tell, and we will be more than happy to listen. Top.
Time frame for adoption
Losing weeks in the travel chase
I lost week(s) (months) because our translator wanted our AIDS tests updated as they were close to a year old (our agency required it). So, by the time that was done, it was a month later because everything had to be reauthenticated. Then the change came, and the rules change for SN, and we got caught in the wait. So what was going to be fast and easy, was not. But our child is worth it all!! That is easy to say after you receive your child and difficult to say during the wait. Whatever delays you have puts you in a direct line to your child.
Don't lose heart, just keep plugging away!! Top.
No you are not the only crazy one. Perhaps many of us assumed someone else would write or post to you. And I understand an agency who tells you nothing until referral -- that was, like my agency too. Basically she had nothing she could tell me.
Rumors change every day with China. It looks like, regarding the updates for paperwork, no one knows quite how that is going to work. About all you can do is be aware, remember to ask questions before you leave (so you don't have to do it all long distance, while you sit there) and do not assume your agency will tell you things, they may not even know!
My first agency had two families whose INS had expired. The agency had no clue as to what it would mean. One couple stayed extra days in China while it was updated. The other family was going to do it before they travel. I'm sure these were new experiences for my agency who was used to people traveling pre-reorganization.
As far as time frames to referral and travel: I have heard of no slow down. However, I understand that the dossiers for the children are delivered to Beijing each quarter. So when the dossiers are matched to waiting families and there are none left, if there are waiting families they must wait until new dossiers reach Beijing at the next quarter. This may be why one person posted on the apc list that they seem to come in spurts -- fast, then slow. Generally speaking, right now, they are running at about 13mos to referral if you are NSN after DTC. So.... you wait until you hear!
Best of luck. It's a tough road, but as all say, it is worth it in the end. Top.
The first hour with my translator in China
This could be written under why I chose China, or stories from my trip, or the Chinese people, or money matters.
My translator met me on the outside of the Nanjing airport after a few minutes of wondering if she were there. (I expected her to meet us on the inside.) (What can I say, I hoped my agency had told her I was coming!) She ushered us to a waiting van from the hotel where bell man dressed in livery took our bags efficiently and courteously. On the ride she gave me a copy of our itinerary for the trip including costs that would be incurred/or had been incurred and how I would pay her for them. She said we would stop at a bank for me to exchange money.
We got to the hotel, without stopping at a bank, and checked in and went to the room. There she kneeled on the floor facing the bed where I was sitting. She drew us a map to show us where we could walk, asked if I had any questions, and told me she had learned the bank was closed.
But she would loan me 1000 yuan until we could get to the bank the next day!
I was speechless. I had no idea whether to accept or not. Would she charge me interest or a surcharge??? In the end, it seemed better to accept than decline, as far as insulting her, and I thought, well, this is China.....
She handed me the money that she had ready. (This bothered me too, that it was ready.) It was clipped together in an interesting manner with one of the bills. A bill was folded over it, one side facing out or another, depending on whether it is 1000 yuan or 500 yuan. (This was also done the same way when I was given money in Yangzhou at the bank.)
She didn't ask me to sign anything. It was just done as courtesy/friendship. Then she left.
The next day, when I exchanged money, I handed her the 1000 yuan back. There was no surcharge.
It really was China....This is just one small example of many, many that increased my feelings of comfort and pleasure with being in China. The people were unfailingly kind to me everywhere we went. I couldn't imagine this scene taking place back home. Top.
Travel
Booking your own travel
If you are with an agency, as I was, where you book your own travel, you will need to know that your baby will need a visa for most every country because she is traveling on a Chinese passport. This is why most US parents go direct from China to the US. If your agency is booking your travel, they know this and take it into account. Example: if you travel through Vancouver on your way out, you will need a visa for the baby to go through Vancouver on the way back.
If I travel to Finland before her US Citizenship (which I am being told takes 1- 1 1/2 yrs where I live) I will need a visa and will have to mail her passport to the Finnish consulate in NYC just as you will have to mail your US passport to the Chinese consulate to get your visa to go to China.
Here’s a message from a friend:
<<Once you have her alien card, she's free to come and go as long as you have the proper visas for entry or transit of the other countries you want to go through or to. You don't need to have her citizenship to travel but it is easier. When we tried to go to Amsterdam last year to get on DH’s ship, they denied us entry! London wanted to charge us $120.00 for a transit visa to change planes on a direct connection but the Dutch refused us entry into the country! As they are participants in the Shengen visas, that meant that that we were refused entry into 7 countries in Europe. It was a nightmare! Most countries allow visits and transits for US alien residents but there are exceptions for citizens of countries such as Cuba and China. In most cases, those citizens need visas even if a plane is stopping somewhere and you're not even getting off (i.e. Canada). >>
A child traveling with a Chinese passport needs a visa for just about every country. They do not need a visa to stop/change planes in Seoul (I just confirmed this this week), but they do need one for Canada.
Once you arrive in the US and get your child's passport stamped at immigration with the US immigration stamp, you can travel to Canada without a visa, if it is stamped IR-3 or IR-4. But you need this stamp. Without it, you need a Canadian visa. And you do not get this stamp until you arrive in the US.
After I was home for about 10 days we went up to Michigan and across Canada thru Sioux St. Marie. We did not need a visa for Caidi, tho it took many phone calls to confirm this.
Another friend writes: Please let me pass along a caution that caused us to change our flight plans.There may/may not be a requirement for your child to have a canadian visa if you fly on cathay pacific via vancouver (a stop, not a plane change). Our agency has had a problem with a family being held up trying to get on the flight w/o the visa and the travel agent is awareof it happening as well. Double check this with your travel agency/ and your adoption agency, see what their experience/feelings about this are. We are now going via LA. Top.
A plus for making the trip to China
One thing I have been very grateful for is the trip to China. I had heard that it gives a new perspective on the birth country, etc. I can say amen to that. While it would have been easier and more feasible at certain times to adopt internationally from a country that would bring me the child, I would have lost so much in recognizing how small the world really is and how close we all are. We are brothers. We are family. We come in every shape and size and color. So what! we are like the flowers.
2003: It is only fair to say that our children may face prejudices, and we may be seen as having white privilege. But so far, we have not faced it. Only time will tell how it will be when it comes to dating or marriage. Our social worker told us we would become a family of color and how would we feel if ou daughter only dated men of color. Top.
By all means stay the extra days. We did and had a wonderful time. My translator said she never had anyone want to stay before, but why should I spend all that money to get there and then not see anything!
Or go early for a pretrip to Beijing.
We did so much sightseeing and to many places our translator had never been. I can hardly wait to go back! I felt such an affinity for China; it felt like home. After all, it IS your daughter's first home.
I was glad to make the trip (though there were times in my life it would have been impossible) because of the different appreciation I have for her culture, having been there v. a book.
The extra days gave her confidence that all was well. I was able to get more rested and gear up for the long flight back. I even relaxed to a point where I was able to catch some sleep on that flight. And I truly, truly, truly loved the White Swan. I could stay extra days there forever! I would fly back just to spend a week in the White Swan relaxing and shopping if I really needed to treat myself sometime. All the happy memories on top of it -- why even look for another country/5 star hotel. Top.
I was afraid to take our11 yo bio daughter to China when I went. Now that I've made the trip, I realize it would have been perfectly safe to take her where I went. I was afraid, and rightly, because she is so picky, that we'd find nothing for her to eat.
I went alone again to adopt the second time.
After that, we were invited back to take part in a documentary film. I went with my 3 girls. It was a hard trip in many ways, mainly because of the jet lag. One thing about not taking your child is that the child you receive will be on China time. The only jet lag is parental, and you won't wake the baby if you are wakeful, whereas a child may be awake and not willing to go back to sleep. I lost a lot of sleep on the trip with my three.
It might have been different if I had traveled with my husband or a nanny or grandparents. There would have been someone else, an adult, to help with the kids. Top.
I'm enjoying the posts on who travels to China -- the couple or solo. Here's another slant. Yes, it's great if you can do it together. It's also great if you do it alone. There are individual reasons for both, so don't feel badly however you have to do it for you.
If my husband had had to go with me, we would not have our girls. Trust me. I would have had to look for another country! He did not want to go. AT ALL. PERIOD. END OF SUBJECT.
He originally did NOT want to adopt -- so hey! we were making progress.
He did miss out on a great trip, the trip of a lifetime, but I had a wonderful trip with my friend. We did things that maybe only we would have done, and all the things I wanted to do, instead of maybe having to compromise.
It has made NO difference to his love for the girls or theirs for him.
One deciding factor to leaving my bio daughter home is she vies for the title of World's Pickiest Eater. It's a question if, at this point in her life, she would have eaten anything for 10 days. And I do not exaggerate.
Sooooo, what I say about this to anyone is this: do what works for YOU, and don't worry about others. It may be the only way you can get this child. Top.
Should you travel alone without your husband/spouse
This is an interesting topic because my husband refused/refuses to go. End of subject.
While I would love to be able to share this with him, he has cut himself out of the loop. And it would be nice to have it to look forward to, but...
The bottom line is go to China, get your child, do it however you have to for your own circumstances. Ask yourself which you would regret more: going together, or spending the extra money, or not going together, or leaving the kids, etc etc.
Only you know your own answers.
Are you strong enough to go on your own? lots of single parents do...I could be equally strong...what if your child is not how you assumed? are you strong enough to make decisions that you have agreed upon beforehand? do you trust your own intuitions?
Thankfully China does not require both parents to travel because then it would be impossible for us. I'm glad we are required to travel, at least one of us, because it puts China on the map in a way that nothing else could. It is better than book learning.
In my case, I traveled on my own, without a group, with a facilitator who traveled with me the length of China. I did not have different helpers in each city. This was a very special trip, tailor-made to me and what I wanted to do as far as sightseeing, etc. I missed having a group to reminisce with, but am finding lots of China-adopt families through email. So I have an ever enlarging group of friends, and perhaps some travel groups are not as compatible as the friends we find on our own...
I would not have been comfortable making my way through strange airports in China, etc the first time. The chief reason is my inability to make out characters, v. being able to read words, say for instance, if I were in Europe. This next time, I would feel more able to do those things because I have a better understanding of how things work.
You would have to know what kind of support you will have in China, whether it is feasible for you to go alone.
Good luck on your choices!! Top.
When we first started to adopt, my husband was unwilling to even consider it. He knew nothing, really, about the conditions in China or even that they had a surplus of little girls. He was unwilling to read anything (it was his way of resisting, but he doesn't really like to read except sci fi). I would share with him as I read. It was his idea to watch videos and we all enjoyed it.
There is a series of videos (and a book) that we checked out of the library. We were only allowed to check out two at a time. Each is a one hour episode on various aspects of China.
China, the wild East, TBS (documentary type, more up-to-date, esp. Hong Kong).
The Heart of the Dragon:
1. Remembering (overview of historic and modern China)
2. Caring (ways that neighbors care for children/elderly and Chinese institutions)
3. Eating (methods of food production)
4. Believing (how ordinary peo belief Tao, Buddha, Confucious, Marx, Mao)
5. Correcting (how the legal system aims to restore harmony in the community)
6. Working (industrial workers in a grim city near the Mongolian border)
7. Living (peasant family in Maoping in Zhejiang province)
8. Marrying (central role of the family, women, marriage broker, etc.)
9. Understanding (medicine, modern sci and ancient beliefs side by side)
10.Mediating (pressures to restore marriage when it breaks down bec girl is born)
11.Creating (art, philosopy, and historical influences)
12.Trading (with outside world and changing business attitudes) Top.
I too waited for years, first of miscarriages (after 2 bio children), then thru an agency who never showed my paperwork for a year. Then through rather remarkable circumstances I was led to Chinese adoption. I realized it fit all my needs: no possible failed adoption (though for a while it looked like it), no possibility of any one coming back to claim the child (though I share my children daily with their birth families though they do not know them), no risk of losing money unless I was the one to change my mind, and throw in a fabulous trip....it was meant to be. My road took 10 years, and I feel certain should I decide to adopt again, it will be a shorter road because I won't go past miscarriages...
My heart aches for those who wait. I've been there. If one road closes or has road blocks, look down another. As one person said, there are waiting children in America, and as I say, there are also waiting children in other lands. Ask God if you are to change roads. Because I changed roads, I have joy this Christmas.
I only wish for you joy. Top.
Oh yes, waiting for travel is not much fun! The hard part is some get travel orders almost immediately and others have to wait longer. I have noticed that in some cases the reason travel is faster is that their agency tells them about their referral later -- and I sure wouldn't have wanted to wait one minute longer for my referral!
It's just another case of trying to keep your sanity, telling yourself you REALLY ARE closer-- you already have your referral!! I think it is doubly hard this time of year. If it were just a regular month -- not your birthday and not a holiday -- you wouldn't feel nearly as intense a pressure to have it happen by a certain date. As another poster said a couple weeks ago, you just have to go with the flow.
I have to say I agree with the ones who said it is a bit like being close to delivery. When you hit that transition stage you want every one out -- including the baby!! <G> -- and you DON'T WANT TO DO IT; you want it DONE. Well, you just gotta do it, and it does get done.
And people who have not adopted, think we don't have labor pains!! Top.
Yes, I had two friends travel without travel approval. One in approx 1995, the other April-May 96, both before the reorganization. In the first case, they got to the orphanage and they said, Who are you? but let them take their baby to the hotel while they waited for the CCAA to China-express their papers to the orphanage. It did add a couple of days. They weren't sure how their money would hold out so they holed up in the hotel -- it was early Dec -- and used their credit cards. They were going independent (without an agency) in the days when this was allowed. She is a flight attendant so traveled at basically no cost.
The second couple also took off on their own. Made out OK. She is a travel agent.
I would say, if your agency is advising you it is OK, go for it! But be cautious. The rule is that now 15 days must elapse before you can travel. I realize a couple extra days are scary in a way, but for the trip of a lifetime I'd definitely add the days, if possible. Try to ensure that your agency will get the baby to you before the paper is fedexed to China, if possible.
It may be a moot point -- you might get your travel orders yet -- let's hope! Top.
<< Then the next minute I'm scared about the whole thing. >>
Yes, that describes it well. There are so many unknowns that it is a real leap of faith. And I think because the wait is so long, there is time to think of scary things you would never have considered!
One thing about it is, that when you want something as badly as I did and you have a husband that refuses to go (so you must do it yourself), you do it in spite of the fears...
One fear you don't need to have is of China -- it may be an unknown, but it isn't scary. The people are quite wonderful (and so is the food).
I wish I was heading out again!
By the time I waited endlessly for even word that I had a referral, it was possible to consider every terrible scenario there might possibly be more than once. I think this is why some people decide not to adopt: the road is so difficult and the fears are compounded. It sometimes seems easier to keep life as-is. Top.
This is in reply to a woman who posted, <<I'm so depressed by the extended (and extended and extended and extended) wait for kid number #1 that I no longer believe it will really happen.>>
One good thing I can say about my awful, and awfully long, wait is that I can speak from experience to encourage all of you who are waiting as she is. It will happen, and does happen, so long as you leave your paperwork in place. The adage is, Adoption is 100% fertility.
The hardest time to wait is through the holidays. It will be easier for you if you are prepared for this. There were years I didn't even want to decorate. I waited through two Christmases for my Chinese child, and I waited through 10 if you count my miscarriages into the mix. I am looking forward to a better holiday this year, believe me.
I will add this: If you expect to receive your referral in the new year, chances are it is seriously in the process now, even though you do not know yet that it has been matched (probably waiting for sign-offs.) Count on it.
Now, my best advice is daily do something that makes YOU happy, whatever that is. Make a new tradition this year -- I don't know what it is, but something totally new for you and fun. I like the book Simple Abundance because she basically wrote what I had to find out on my own. And something you can tell your child made your waiting for her/him easier.
Do this EVERY day without fail -- I don't care if it is as simple as taking a bath just because you want to...or read a book...or decide NOT to do the laundry for a day...if it makes you happy, do it. Make a cup of hot chocolate, or cup of tea. Treat yourself well because you deserve it. It is part of getting over the grief.
So often those around us are oblivious to our pain (which is both good and bad). I often wished people would be more observant. But some people never understand even if you tell them. Try to observe other people's pain and lessen it, if possible.
Additionally, try not to get too upset over news of changing requirements. Often they are worked out before they become an obstacle for us. But whatever it is you have to do to get this child, you are capable of doing and will do. She/He is counting on it, and so are you!
God bless. Top.
A recent post stated, "The waiting was becoming unbearable and I'm a bit numb now. "
This is oh so true. The wait was incredibly unbearable, especially for those of us who were/are SN or were told they were SN after thinking they were not (step-children in the picture.) And numbness was definitely a part of the picture. I think I was numb because I had waited so long and all through the reorganization when no one could tell anyone anything.
Even after referral there is the wait to travel. And this wait seems to be different for everyone.
The one good thing is that I do have my child, and while I worried and wondered if it would ever happen, nothing at all came up for me in a domestic adoption. I would still be waiting, still be experiencing grief from infertility. It doesn't bear thinking about.
I want to encourage those of you who still wait. It is a tough time and a tough place. By the time you hear, if you are like me, you just want closure (and of course that child!!) And once you are on the other side of it, you can help others, even as you are helping now.
It is hurtful sometimes when referrals come in before yours, and you/we really don't know why, but if you hang in there, it really does happen. Try to do something good for yourself everyday to make you happy. It really does help the time along. Top.
Someone emailed me this morning that they thought they had reached their maximum waiting time when they started sharing some things with the apc list. I knew the feeling. Unfortunately, I reached mine more than once during the wait for our first.
But also this morning, oldest reminded me of the time I said to her while waiting for our first, I just give up! I couldn't take the wait any longer. I couldn't bear to think it hadn't happened, maybe wouldn't happen, and WHEN WAS it going to happen... I had prayed every prayer I knew how to pray and had exhausted all my resources.
She said to me (shocked), Mom, you just can't give up!! And she enumerated all the reasons we wanted our first. She had never seen me give up over anything.
I told her I wasn't going to pull our papers, but it was just unbearable.
And I continued to wait. I would have to check my journal to see how long. But, I'm sure it was still a while yet.
God bless 11 yo daughters who help you hang in when the hanging gets heavy.
Once again, it really does happen, if you don't pull your papers. We are living proof. Top.
A waiting mom wrote, "I'm starting to think everyone thinks I made up this whole adoption."
I had to laugh. It brought back memories of my wait (sorry, everything does, the wait was so long. <g>) A new neighbor moved in at the end of the street. One of the first things I did was tell her all about my then pending adoption. I think I brought some paperwork to show her too.
Well, time went on and on and on and on....we got to be better friends. Still no referral. Some people I spoke to about it; others I just didn't say a word. I was sure everyone thought it was just a big story. (Though I don't have a reputation for prevarication.)
Some of my best times have been to be with my child, then grin and say, I bet you thought it was all made up, didn't you?
What was even funnier was I didn't tell ANYBODY until I had waited so long, I couldn't bear the wait by myself, and I was sure it couldn't be much longer....and then I waited and waited and waited...
I asked my neighbor not too long ago did she think I had made it up? She said she was sure it was the truth because I was so upset, and I had brought the papers to show her.
And that IS the truth. I sure was upset. And I'm awfully glad I have our girls so people believe me. Hang in there, guys. We KNOW it is the truth!! Top.
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