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Dear Junior,
Thangs have been real quiet since my last letter, except fer th' night I wrote it. As you will recall, Otis launched hisself an' th' Moonshining Shack into a low decaying orbit. It decayed completely when he crossed over th' Mars town line. We found him an' what was left o' th' shack an' th' still strewed all over Elmer's front yard. (Ewe remember yore cousin Elmer? Yep, he wuz th' one what got caught in th' paint factory explosion wif Otis back 4 year ago this spring Ewe know what, his hairs is still green too.) Well, Otis was a hangin' from a limb of an old oak tree about 45 foot up a tree, th' still was scattered an' bursted all over th' yard, an' th' shack was stuck in th' top o' Elmer's barn, looked just like a steeple on a church, but a lot leakier.
Yea, leakier, cause it had been a full o' white lightnin' bottles an' they was a leakin' all down into th' hay. To make matters worse all that smoke an' chemicals from Otis' little test flight seeded th' surrounding clouds an' we had one more rain...thunder, lightnin', a frog strangler. Well it had been awful dry, an' we'd been a hurtin' fer rain, but this was a widder-makin' flood rain if'n ever I seed one. Ewe know what happened don't ya? As Otis luck would have it, lightnin' struck that barn what was full o' hay an' th' shine all in thar did'na help th' situation a bit. The barn just went up like a book o' matches. Well that's about when I got there, I seed th' barn get struck, I seed Otis white-eyed in th' tree, I seed Elmer a wailin' and a gnashin' his teef. Elmer was purdy upsetted til he seed Daddy, well he plumb lit into th' ol' boy, an' Daddy who was took unaware nearly hurt ol' Elmer. Daddy twisted th' feller, had him on th' groun' an' had his feet an hands hog-tied jest like he was trussin' up a sheep. See, it was like this.
Elmer did'na see Otis, but he smelled th' mash, an' saw th' shed an' the copper fittin's an' then he seed Daddy, an' it all come together in his mind...Daddy had blowed up, or th' Revenuers had blowed up Daddy's joy-juice factory, but had miscalculated th' volitility of Daddy's brew, an' blew th' still, shack an' all clear t' Mars (th' town, not th' planet, ewe know). 'Bout then Otis seed Elmer a takin' a whack at Daddy he figured he 'd go get in the fight. (Evidently th' test flight had'na bothered th' ol' boy too much). Well, not thinkin' very clearly, Otis dropped out o' th' tree an' fell 40 foot, direct into th' hayfilled bed o' Elmer's new ford truck. Now Otis ain't Eloise, but he ain't no lightweight neither, so when he hit th' hay, although it did'na hurt Otis none, it popped three o' those new whitewalls an' ruined th' suspension on Elmer's new wheels. Th' poppin' o' th' tires got everbodys attention. Daddy clumb off o' Elmer an' stared, I run over t' check on Otis, an' Elmer, well, poor ol' boy just laid there all trussed up an' cried like a baby.
By th' time th' fire department got there, there weren't much th' two of 'em could do, they jest wet th' house down an' th' trees, an' Elmer fer bein' hysterical, an' Daddy an' Otis jest cause they had a chance t' do it. They ain't much account as firemen, but if'n th' county really wanted a decent fire department, they'd at least get 'em a motorized fire engine, or a better horse. Poor ol' Buck th' fire horse is over 40 an' has reumatiz awful bad, an 'only moves at top speed o' 3 miles an' hour. An that ol' horse drawn engine has got t' be pumped, so's that whilst yore house is burnin', ewe got t' pump water t' put it out. Remember when Minnie's mamma's house caught fire, Minnie an' her 80 year ol' mamma, an' her 90 year ol' daddy was a takin' turns a pumpin' till Otis an' I got there an' helped 'em. That jest ain't right. But enough about politics, back t' Elmer's place.
Elmer was fit t' be tied, an' if'n ewe recall, Daddy had already done that. Well, after hours an' ours of puttin' out fires an' talkin' wif th' firemens, an' th' sherrif, it was decided that it was an accident, but that Otis would have t' pay fer th' truck,an' anythin' Elmer's insurance did'na cover. Elmer's insurance agent claimed it twas an act o' God, so's th' insurance would'na pay, but Elmer said "That tweren't no Act o' God feller, that thar was an act o' Otis, an' I wants my money." Well, in th' end th' company paid, as did Otis. Otis had t' fix Elmer's truck, an' pay fer all them hens what met their untimely fate in th' fire. When we could go in thar we found all them hens cooked jest right in thar. Fed most o' th' county (not includin' Eloise) fer two weeks thereafter...250 roasted hens right thar in that barn. Ewe know, ewe'd think them roasted hens would'na been no count after bein' cooked without bein' killed an' plucked an' gutted, an' all, but they was real good, mayhaps it twas th' mash, "but they had a right good flavor about 'em, kinda like, er chicken" Otis said.
Anyhow Otis had t' pay fer that an' buy Daddy a new still, an' pay a fine fer bein' careless, etc. this little incident ate up almost all that money he an' Daddy had made from th' hair remover scheme. Well, Otis an' Daddy was kindly down in th' dumps fer days thereafter, til Otis realized that th' accident had been a right successful test flight. Otis called NASA, an' then he discovered th' awful truth. NASA uses hydrogen, not kerosene in them rockets, so th' experiment was right pointless from th' beginnin'. So poor ol' Otis had lost all that money, his still, his project, his liquor, his shack, an' now he was a gonna get even wif th' whole county. Th' way he figured it, it was th' county's fault. First, they had th' rotten fire department. Why, if'n there'd been a good hook an' ladder, an' some half-decent firemen, they coulda saved Elmers barn, an' got Otis outta th' tree, then Otis would'na had t' pay fer th' truck, or th' chickens. Next, he figured that th' town owed him five dollars a piece fer them hens, as he'd had t' pay fer 'em, but th' sherrif wouldn'na hear none o' that. (I think he'd already thought o' that an' made his own deal wif th' new folks down to th' diner!) Otis later found out about that deal, an' determined t' fix th' sherrif. In fact Otis set his cap on takin' th' ol' boy's badge. But first he had t' come up wif a campaign of confusion, terror, an' meaness that would make th' sherrif look foolish, an' give Otis a politikin' chance fer th' election next year. So Otis decided he'd start on Halloween eve. Since then th' ol' feller has rebuilt Daddy's still an' shack, an' he done built hisself a 10 by 10 hut back along th' branch, an' has hung a sign on it what reads "No Trespassin', that includes Ewe, Delmar. Leave my vittles at th' door an' go away." So, I have done that, but I'm a skeert that boy's gonna be th' author of a whole lotta trouble up in these hyar parts come next week!!
So Junior, me an' Daddy wishes that ewe'd come on up hyar an' do somethin' about yore brother. We know ewe two was always gettin' into everthing t'gether, so ewe need t' come an' try t' keep th' old rascal from declarin' feud, 'er war on th' sherrif, cause one of 'em might get hurt. Besides me an' Daddy figure we all come out ahead, new still, new outbuildin', tractor an' truck both fixed. Daddy actually plowed an' disked five acres yesterday evenin' fer plantin' next spring. Junior, we figure yore th' only one what can stop yore brother, so Daddy says ewe orght t' come an' do yore fambily duity an' whomp yore brother so's he don't cause no trouble. Besides Daddy don't wanna run Otis fer office, Daddy had a hell o' a time a runnin' Eloise fer mayor, an' he says th' perks just ain't worth it. (I think he just misses th' sheep.) So try t' git up hyar next week Junior, er else we may have a real mess on our hands. I gotta go, ever now an' again I hear strange noises above th' clank and clang in Otis' shop...kinda a whirrin' noise an' then th' power flickers. I wonder what he is up to this time?
Love,
Delmar
