by Kipler@aol.com
Originally posted during the middle of the second season.
Words are intended to match music on the original Broadway cast recording, "West Side Story." All due apologies to Bernstein, Sondheim and Chris Carter!
I. Prologue/Fed Song (to the tune of "Prologue/Jet
Song")
<Our play begins with a group of agents walking down the maze-like hallways of FBI headquarters. They are dressed alike, with dark suits, drab ties, and neat cellular phones in their pockets. First one, then many, join the march to their offices as they sing. Among the feds are Cigarette Smoking Man, Skinner, Blevins, Deep Throat, Krycek, and numerous young agents.>
CSM: When you're a fed, you're a fed all the way, from your first cigarette
till your last
dying day.
When you're a fed if the aliens land,
you just say there's a toxic waste train wreck at
hand.
Feds: Deny everything! And shoot the one who doesn't!
And although it was, tell everyone it
wasn't.
We'd kill our cousins!
We have a blast with our mind control
drugs,
and we never would dare to give our partners
hugs.
We are the feds, the powers that be!
(Spoken:)
CSM: Now, I've known Scully since she was at the academy, and I guarantee you can count her in.
Fed #1: In, out, let's get crackin'!
Fed #2: Where you gonna set up the meeting with Mulder?
CSM: In his office.
Fed #1: But his office is so small!
CSM: You haven't seen it from the other camera angle.
Fed #1: Great, Daddy-O!
CSM: So everyone keep your fingers crossed. Scully goes in tomorrow. And don't talk!
Fed #2: We never talk!
Krycek: We're feds!
Fed #1: The greatest!
(Sung:)
Feds: When you're a Fed, you have secretive friends who can bug any office till privacy ends.
When you're a Fed, you're a way stressed-out
guy, but you're never afraid - you've
watched presidents
die.
We're kings of a lie, and deep
manipulation.
We're underworld spies, we block
investigations.
We fool the nation!
Here come the feds like a bat out of hell,
Mulder gets in our way, Mulder don't feel so
well.
Here come the feds in cahoots with ET.
Now we've sold our own souls and we're
pissed
as can be!
We have ways to kill - if you should need
suggestions.
There are secret pills - injection or
injestion,
they're
dead - no question!
Here come the feds (yeah) and we're gonna
bug
Scully's pen, Mulder's phone lines and
all of his plugs.
Every last ever mother lovin' plug!!!
II. Plausible (To the tune of "Something's Comin")
<Scully and Mulder have taken their first case together and flown to the very plausible state of Oregon to investigate strange disappearances and deaths of local teens.>
M: Could be!
S: Who knows...
M: These kids were found 'neath the sky,
It was warm, in July
in Oregon.
Exposure's not a plausible way to die,
and tell me why -
the dirt on his toes?
S: Who knows?
M: You don't believe chimpanzees
buried here, 'neath the trees
explain this corpse?
S: There's gotta be a plausible cause for this -
I must have missed
something, of course.
Could it be?
M: Yes, it could.
S: Aliens here?
M: Very good.
S: I don't believe!
M: Come on, Scully, trust in me,
though you see,
I'm not free
to trust in you.
There are not many guys
in the Bureau who don't try
to bring me down.
S: Spooky Mulder, that's the word,
I have heard
your mind's blurred -
you've got a rep!
M: They've blocked my access
to certain information!
My reputation??
Don't care!!
S: Smoking man said I must
write reports about our busts,
if they are weird.
Come on, Mulder, save you job,
you're no slob, say that blob
was just a chimp!
M: The radio's hummin'!
And someone grey is comin'!
Who knows?
S: This is not plausible.
This is implausible.
I don't believe!
III. The Dance of UST (to the tune of "The Dance at the Gym")
<This is a dance number in which Scully and Mulder give each other meaningful glances and spend all their time together, while hundreds of people around them do not notice.>
IV. Samantha (aka The Conversation in the Dark by the Bed) (to the tune of "Maria")
<Mulder tells Scully about his childhood...>
M: I was once a young boy in Chilmark, Mass.
Echo: (Samantha, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha)
M: And my parents went out to the Galrins' to play Canas-ta
Echo: (Samantha, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha...)
M: Samantha!
I once had a sis named Samantha.
But if I'm not mistaken, I think that she
was taken
by aliens.
Samantha!
I saw a bright light take Samantha.
And ever since that night.
Things haven't been quite right with me.
Samantha!
Through the air I could hear her cries.
Cries of "Fox!," but I was paralyzed.
(Samantha!)
So don't call me "Fox" - no one tries!
Samantha, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha!
Samantha!
Samantha!
Samantha!
Samantha, Samantha!
Scully, nothing else matters to me.
They could shoot high tech laser beams
through me.
Samantha!
I'm obsessive, you see....
Samantha!
I was once a young boy in Chilmark, Mass.!
Samantha!
V. Tooms Might (to the tune of "Tonight")
<Our agents are called in by Tom Colton, a friend of Dana's from academy days, who asks them to assist in solving a set of grisly murders.>
S: Mulder, you have to help me on this case - I shiver!
there is no point of entry, the doors and
windows shut,
victims intact but for their livers.
M: Why does your little friend come to Spooky?
Scully, is that how you see me - Spooky?
S: Mulder, Mulder...
M: I will help, 'cause I think you're pretty neat.
You never retreat or tease.
S: Although you're out there, you're a great agent...
<The agents plow through the evidence and find Eugene Tooms to be the primary suspect...>
M: Tooms might, Tooms might
have a fierce appetite.
S: But how does he gain entry through locks?
M: Tooms might, Tooms might
crawl through the vents so tight
or my real given name isn't Fox!
S: These fingerprints so elongated,
have got me so frustrated!
I can't tell wrong from right.
But here you are,
my mind's gone way too far,
so I'll say...
Tooms might.
S & M: Tooms might, Tooms might
not have a normal life.
Perhaps he hibernates thirty years!
Tooms might, Tooms might
make bile dens so tight
claustrophobics would quiver in fear!
The old guy remembers Powhatten mills,
the way the victims were killed -
so sim'lar to our plight.
One victim more,
and Tooms will need no more.
We're afraid...
Tooms might!
(Spoken -
M: We got him.
S: I'm glad.
M: He won't get his 5th victim this year.
S: And I won't work with Tom Colton anymore.
M: I'm glad.)
S & M: Tooms might, Tooms might
squeeze out at midnight!
We're afraid...
Tooms might.
VI: A Muldercide (to the tune of "America")
<On the stage comes the "Parade of Ghosts," a forlorn group of characters, some of whom lasted only minutes, some of whom lasted weeks, all of whom are dead.>
JD = Jersey Devil
RP = Reggie Perdue, Mulder's former coworker
Jack = Scully's former instructor
Max = NICAP hippie guy
BS = Mr. Bill Scully (Dana's dad)
JD: We're the people Fox Mulder talked to
when we were still 'mong the
living.
We were acquaintances of his,
But now we're gone - that's the spy
biz.
Max: If you befriend Federal agents
your life expectancy's
shortened.
Jack: Even worse still is to date them.
You know, we don't mean to berate
them.
But we've learned to hate them.
With their bullets flying,
and all of us dying.
RP: It's not that they know that they doom us.
But sometimes we fear that they'll exhume
us.
POG: Everyone here is a Muldercide.
Let's make it clear - what's a
Muldercide?
If you're in fear that you had to
die
'cause you knew Fox, you're a Muldercide.
JD: Let's take the case of my own life.
I roamed in Jersey with no
strife.
'Til I gave Mulder a flesh wound,
and the cops shot me - I was doomed.
POG: Former partners become Muldercides.
Future informants? They're
Muldercides.
Almost all the forest service
guys
eaten by bugs became Muldercides.
Max: I was a big fan of Luder,
though he thought me an intruder.
We saw an alien - what pain!
Extraterrestrially slain!
POG: Let's not forget there are Scullycides.
Chris Carter let there be
Scullycides.
Though she's a rock and she rarely
cries,
Scully's affected by Scullycides.
<Dance of the Parade of Ghosts - a creepy but spirited Latin dance>
Jack: I used to be Dana's teacher, till
posessed by that bank holdup
creature.
BS: I was her dad and I did die
to give GA an "Emmy" try!
POG: Mulder's dad, too, is a Muldercide,
even though only his heart has
died.
We see a future when Mulder
cries,
'cause he thinks Scully's a Muldercide.
Sam: I was the very first victim.
I was there in the room with him.
The evening started out so fun,
Till Foxxy fumbled with the gun!
VII. Trust No One (to the tune of "Cool")
<Mulder is contacted by a mysterious informant known only as "Deep Throat," who sends him on secret errands which neither Mulder nor Scully fully understand>
DT: Mulder, Mulder, crazy Mulder -
trust no one!
Don't tell Skinner, Don't tell
Scully!
Just try to go on.
Take my lead, I guarantee, you'll get
near to Sam.
Walk alone, and you'll be shown how the
government hides aliens.
M: But I think I must tell Scully.
DT: Then just her!
M: Even though she talks to Skinner,
I think I trust her.
She's a skeptic, but she's a real self
starter.
She is my partner...partner.
<Dance of the top-secret government documents>
DT: Mulder, Mulder, crazy Mulder -
trust no one.
Here's a secret document -
not much to go on.
I say trust no one - no one!
VIII. Memories (to the tune of "One Hand/One Heart")
<Mulder and Scully reminisce about some of their most memorable cases, while waiting to hear if Mulder will be fired for his latest violation of regulations.>
S: Remember that cold night...
when I locked you up tight,
Because I thought you had a worm,
and into a killer you would turn?
M: How 'bout the day Phoebe came?
I went to Boston on a plane.
Your showing up did expire
more than one fire.
M & S: That Phoebe was such a liar!
S: On a nice trip to the woods
we were almost bug food.
M & S: We've had some cases from hell!
And now? Can't tell.
False beliefs we must dispel.
IX. Tooms Might/This Time/Last Night (to the tune of "Tonight")
<The Feds, led by CSM, are tightening the noose on Mulder. Meanwhile, Tooms is up for parole, and Scully has been asked to evaluate her loyalty to the Bureau's bureaucracy.>
IMHB = incompetent mental health bureaucrats
IMHB: We think that Tooms might be reformed - Tooms might.
And have some feelings soft and warm -
Tooms might.
He wants to get his job back - work
hard.
At cleaning rats from gutters, we think
he'll go far.
Feds: That Mulder's really pissed us off, this time.
We look at him and want to scoff, this
time.
He testified in court so wildly.
And all of his reports, so gosh-darn
X-fily!
This time!
We're gonna nail him this time - we're
gonna talk to Scully, reel her in.
Hope she won't fail us this time, because
of all her warm and UST-y feelings.
Skinner:But you began it!
CSM: No, he began it.
Feds: And here's our chance to stop him once and for all - this time.
<Shift to Tooms, lurking in a septic tank>
Tooms: I really hate that agent Mulder, now.
I wish I'd ate his partner's liver,
now.
But I can get back at him - and
how!
I'll take his shoe and punch myself in
the mouth.
<Shift to Scully, joining Mulder in an unauthorized surveillance of
Tooms>
M: Tonight, tonight, was not just any night!
Tonight I listened to Bababooey.
S: Oh, Mulder, I would not go on the line
for anyone else but yoo-ey!
So here's a liverwurst sandwich.
M: If there's an iced tea it's love!
S: It must be fate - root beer.
Go home - all right? - and sleep so very tight,
tonight!
<Shift to Skinner's office, where M & S are being interrogated regarding Tooms' apparent beating>
Feds: So, Mulder how did Tooms get hurt, last night.
He says you went and did the dirt, last
night?
S: But dear director Skinner, don't be such a
fool!
'Cause I was with him all night, and breaking
the rules.
<Shift to multiple scenes: Scully, thinking to herself, the Feds having a bureaucratic discussion, IMHB's wringing their hands while talking to Tooms>
| S: Last night, last night
was not just any night! Last night my partner said the "L" word! Last night, last night it gave me such a fright I pretended that I hadn't heard! I know they say we're in denial... And Mulder's heart is closed off. And maybe they are right! But when we fight... his face gets deep and quiet, like it did - last night! |
CSM: So I can count on you boy? Skinner: All right... CSM: You'll keep your eyes on this kid? Skinner: All right. CSM: Are you loyal? Skinner: You're my boss! CSM: I want reports every week. Skinner: All right. Feds: We're gonna nail him this time. (this time...) No, we won't fail it this time. (this time...) He's gonna get it this time! Tooms: He began it! (pointing at Mulder) M: He began it! (pointing at Skinner) Skinner: He began it! (pointing at CSM) CSM: I'll stop him once and for all. Feds: We'll stop him once and for all! IMHB: We think that Tooms might be reformed M: But I just squashed him like a worm, in the escalator!!! |
X. Erlenmeyer Flask (to the tune of "The Rumble")
<A musical dance number in which Mulder and Scully are led by Deep Throat into near contact with alien-human hybrids and possible cloning experiments. In the process of investigating, Mulder is kidnapped and Scully must trade an alien fetus for his life. In the exchange, Deep Throat is killed. The X-Files are shut down, on orders from above.>
XI. I Feel Spooky (to the tune of "I Feel Pretty")
<Scully and Mulder malign their new assignments>
S: I feel Spooky, oh so Spooky,
teaching classes in how to dissect.
It's so gooky,
when you stick a scalpel in a chest!
I miss Mulder, and the X-Files,
and I wish we had not been shut down!
And poor Mulder - he is always wearing a big
frown.
He's been running after the aliens.
He went down to Arecibo.
What happened to him - was he just knocked
out?
Was he in the ship? We may never
know!
I feel like I'm always hiding
inside trenchcoats and behind large
desks!
While poor Mulder, hears lap dance discussions
by pests!
M: So here I am stuck with this Krycek.
He's seen me wearing a Speedo!
I get stupid cases - what the heck!
Why do they fear me so? I guess I'll never
know.
I went down the sewer, to seek
parasites.
And some other guy got really big bites.
I found guys who can't sleep well - not a
wink!
And my phone could talk - I might need a
shrink!
And the sunflower seeds, they're
becoming
an obsession for me, yes I know!
Scully if you were where you should be,
I would be just fine - at least fine for me!
S: I feel Spooky, and the flukie
Mulder sent me was ugly as sin!
It was kooky, how this case was from director
"Skin!"
It was rad; Mulder smelled bad.
You'd think he had never had a bath!
I just hope our flukie troubles are all in the
past.
Mulder calls me up on the telephone (cellular
phone)
He just says, "Hi, Scully, it's me!" (he gives
no name)
I don't have to ask, I can simply tell,
it's my former partner who's calling me!
That Duane Barry, he was scary -
had an implant, went off in the store!
Must call Mulder, and tell him my secrets galore!
XII. Ascension/Scully (to the tune of
"Somewhere")
<Duane Barry breaks into Scully's cool little apartment, kidnapping her. Mulder finds a message on his answering machine.>
DB: They will take you away, take you up in the spaceship so
fine.
Aliens who have been driving me out of my
mind.
They said they'd take Dana Scully instead of
me.
I'll trade them your life for mine and at last
I'll be free!
<Abduction music for Scully; Angst music for Mulder>
(Answering machine message:
S : I need your help!
Mulder I need your help!)
M: This is just like Samantha's case!
How much can I face?
Poor, dear Scully.
All this because of me!
I will find her I swear I will.
Scully must not be killed.
Scully! Scully!
Have you been stolen by aliens?
Or was it done by our own men?
Scully...
Poor, dear Scully.
All this because of me.
I will find you, wherever you are.
Hope you're not on a distant star!
Scully! Scully! Scully!
<Mulder goes to Skyland Mountain, where Scully was last seen...>
POG
voices: Poor, dear Scully
M: I will find you, wherever you are.
Hope you're not on a distant star!
Scully! Scully! Scully!
XIII. Agent Krycek (to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke")
<Mulder attempts to solve the riddle of Dana's disappearance, and addresses the several people in his life who may have had something to do with it.>
M: Dear little agent Krycek, been partners for three
weeks.
You act like you respect my alien
beliefs!
But when I'm on the tram, it suddenly shuts
down!
And the guy who runs it can't be found!
Gee, agent Krycek, I'm very upset.
My dearest friend is missing, I'm not sure if
she's dead.
And something about you is driving me
mad!
I'm sure inside of you you're bad - you are
bad!
You are bad, you are bad, you are bad, bad,
bad,
I am sure inside of you you're bad!
(Spoken -
Skinner:You wanted to see me, Agent Mulder?
M: I have some evidence regarding Agent Scully.
Skinner:All right, what have you got?)
M: My dear director Skinner, I'm blaming Krycek now.
He isn't such a winner - 'cause clues he left
around.
He let me drive his car; some butts were in the
trash.
I'm an agent, so I traced the ash.
Yes, Skinner, director, I think I can
say
whoever smoked those cigarettes went out of his
way
to get Scully's address, and give it to
Duane.
He's certifiably insane - he's insane!
He's insane, he's insane, he's the most insane,
like he's
certifiably insane!
(Spoken -
Skinner:There's nothing you can do, Mulder.
M: What can YOU do about it?
Skinner:There's only one thing I can do. As of right now, I'm reopening the X-Files)
<Mulder travels to California on a case...>
M: So, Scully's on my mind; I like to wear her cross.
I wish that I could find a girl to get her
off.
A vampire - that is different!
I hope my blood remains mine alone, and flowing
in my veins.
Hey, listen there, Kristin, there just was no
need.
To blow the whole house up right after sleeping
with me.
So now I'm alone - it's back to DC.
Porn movies in the dark for me, for me!
For me, for me, for me, me, me, like
it's
movies in the dark for me!
<Mulder visits with Dana's Mother>
(Spoken -
Mom S: How do you like the gravestone?
M: It's too soon, Mrs. Scully - we can't give up.
Mom S: I feel like I just killed a snake!)
<Mulder gets a call that Dana has been found and is in the hospital, in a coma.>
M: Dear, kindly Dr. Daly, if you are in with them,
I'll make you feel so frail-y; I'll crush your
li'l brainstem!
The stupid living will - we signed it as a
joke!
Please don't let my partner Dana croak!
Yes, all of you Scullies, I'm beggin' you please
-
you can't turn off the life support, I'm down
on my knees.
Frohike just told me the cause of this state
-
she's got some weird branched DNA!
DNA! DNA, DNA, DNA, A, A,
Like she's got some weird branched DNA!
(Spoken -
Daly: Her Glasgow Index indicates...
MomS: That Dana'd want to go...
Skinner:And Krycek's out of state...
Mel: A crystal! Here you go...
Frohike:There's nothing you can do...
MomS: She's made the choice for us...)
M: Will you people kindly just SHUT UP!
There's no one among you who knows what we've
seen.
And if you take her from me then there'll be
only ME!
I'm off to the laundry - her blood I will
seek.
I'm having a really bad week.
XIV. The Battle for Mulder's Soul (to the tune of "A Boy Like That/I Have a Love")
<Mulder visits and is visited by all the important figures in his life to try to decide what to do to avenge Scully's condition.>
Skinner:A man like that, who'd kill your partner...
to get that man, you'd give your heart
for
a chance for vengeance, an eye for an
eye.
But Mulder, you are not like he is.
You're really a lot more like she is.
You want the truth, but
please don't make him die.
M: It's only justice I want.
Give me the places he haunts.
I'll leave the Files, I'll go away, whate'er
you say...
but I need to find this guy today!
<Mr. X meets Mulder...>
Mr. X: Hey, Mulder, I have a plane ticket.
Pretend you leave, and then you'll stick
it
to all the guys who kidnapped Dana.
Eight seventeen, that's when they'll be here
-
eight seventeen!
<Scully's sister, Melissa, comes to visit Mulder at home. 7:30 p.m.>
| Mel: Hey, Mulder why is it so dark in here? The doctor says won't be long... So won't you come? I'd think you would... to say goodbye. Just a final chance to say goodbye. Mel: You are in the dark I don't need to be psychic to see this much to see this much - one thing I know: if you walk on your own toward the dark you can't help Dana then. You can't help her then. |
M: Because the lights aren't on. Voices in Mulder's Head: My only chance to find the truth I have a chance to get some proof. Some evidence, a link to Samantha But Scully is lying there. Forget the truth. That is where I belong now. Forgive me, Sam I have to go Speak to Scully now; I have to go. |
<It is 8:17. Mulder visits Scully in the hospital.>
M: Hey, Scully, I feel you aren't ready yet.
You have the strength of your
beliefs.
And I am with you.
Nurse Owen:
Dana, it's not time for you to go
yet.
You must stay and study
voodoo.
That Mulder he needs your help,
I guarantee,
at the zoo...
Dana, it's not time for you to go
yet.
There are ribs for you to eat, too.
<Scully awakens!>
S: Oh, Mulder, I can't remember - was it man
or an alien breed?
M: It doesn't - it doesn't matter.
I brought a tape - the "Stars of
the Superbowls!"
M & S: My partner is here.
And everything is clear.
The X-Files, reborn!
XV. Finale (to the tune of "Finale")
<Entire cast, including DT and all the POG personalities, join onstage to sing.>
There's a case for us.
Somewhere a case for us.
Somewhere out there's a mutant
bat,
a demon child or a bureaucrat.
Somehow...someday...somewhere.
The End
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Kipler@aol.com
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