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AVIATION AT IT'S BEST- HUMOR

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NAME: Tony Peckham

SUBMITTED: A group of pilots discussing poor Air Traffic Controllers. One senior pilots tells the following tale. "The visibility was so poor, it was decided to try a G.C.A. approach. I'm handed off to some idoit controller who say's "No need to respond to my commands....you are left of center line and a little high....reduce speed...come right to 273....you are on glide slope....on track...continue descent...you are below glide slope on course...you are on corse, on glide slope....you are over the threshold...at minimums...do you have the runway ? "

"..and you know what ?" said the captain."I saw the lights !"

After a long pause the most jr pilot said."That sounds like a perfect approach to me."

To which the Senior Pilot said."Son have YOU ever tried to land on a runway 400' long and 6000' wide !"

NAME: Matthew Millsom

SUBMITTED: Three pilots were sitting at a airport bar. They were arguing about who had flown the biggest airplane.

The first said to the second "My plane is so big it could fit over 500 passengers in first class"

In reply this second pilot said " That's nothing- I could fit a football team and all their supporters in my aircraft"

The third pilot said "On my last flight I heard a strange noise coming from the rear of the aircraft so I got the first officer to check it out. Four hours later he came and told me that "Someone had left a window open and a 747 was buzzing the light."

NAME: Varrin Swearingen

SUBMITTED: Aviation Definitions

180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.

A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.

Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.

Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.

Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.

Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.

Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.

Airspeed -

1. The speed of an airplane through the air.

2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.

Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.

Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.

Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.

Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.

Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.

Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.

Chart -

1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from

food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides

interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.

Chock -

1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots.

2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.

Cockpit -

1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm.

2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.

Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.

De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.

Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport café.

Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.

Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."

Final Approach -

1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing.

2. Many a student pilot's first landing.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.

Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.

Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.

Gross Weight -

1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").

2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.

Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.

Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

Lazy 8 -

1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.

2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.

Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.

Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.

Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.

Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.

Roger - The most popular name in radio.

S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.

Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Trim Tab -

1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.

2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.

Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.

Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.

NAME: David Knies

SUBMITTED:

************************************************************************

LANDING STRIP: British Airways has decided not to take punitive action against a flight attendant after her actions upon landing in Genoa, Italy. Andrea O'Neill, 31, "lost a bet" about whether the plane would land on time, and paid off her wager by stripping down to her panties, shoes, a "loose-hanging safety waistcoat" and a pilot's hat, and running a lap around the plane. BA officials were at first aghast, but then enjoyed the good publicity over the flight crew's dedication to arriving on time. "I guess we ought to take our hats off to her -- but nothing else -- for such wonderful exposure of our brilliant time-keeping," a British Airways spokesman said. (Reuters) ...For that, and her patriotic Union Jack-print panties.

****************************************************************************

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

****************************************************************************

RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT

(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)

By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia.

They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."

It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.

I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for.

But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.

But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.

Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."

******************************************************************

Spotted on an aircraft insurance claim form...

"Description of loss: Hard landing caused by altitude change."

NAME: Steve Wise

SUBMITTED:

Q: What do you do if you want to OWN an L-1011?

A: Buy an acre of land and wait

NAME: Bahadir Acuner

SUBMITTED: Another true story. This happened late one evening when I was working operations control. This was obviously the crew's first time at RDU (Raleigh-Durham). I had already given the numbers along w/ gate assignment to the crew. The conversation with as follows.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham this is five-seven-five coming at ya. Confirm gate assignment.

Self: Five-seven-five gate assignment is ten that's one-zero.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham copy ten one-zero

Self: Affirmative five-seven-five.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham we're on the ground.

Self: Five-seven-five copy on the ground.

Crew: Uhhh Raleigh-Durham where is our ground crew?

Self: Ground crew on the ground at gate 10 that's one-zero sir.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham, I thought you had jetways at this airport.

Self: Affirmative on the jetways five-seven-five.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham WHERE IS THE GROUND CREW????

Self: Five-seven-five..the ground crew saw you land, but where are you? Identify your surroundings, sir.

Crew: Raeigh-Durham, we are parked by a DC-9, tail number niner-two-five and there is a UPS stretch 727 on the other end of the terminal.

Self: Copy that sir. Sir, I strongly suggest you announce a gate change. You have parked yourself at the Air Freight terminal.

Crew: Ugh oh! Copy gate change.

Crew announced a gate change and arrived several minutes later.

NAME: Donald Mamula

SUBMITTED: Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner stops abruptly, turns around and returns to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally takes off.

A concerned passenger asks the flight attendant, "What is the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explains. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

NAME: Tony Peckham

SUBMITTED: Overheard on PA @ London Airport.

Pan Am flight 103 for Boston will be leaving gate 17 at 3 .55 pm.

Lufthansa flight 216 is leaving from gate 2 at 3. 57 pm precisely !

British Airways flight 407 to New York will be leaving from gate 12 oh...4.10ish.

Aer Lingus fligh 2 for Dublin will be leaving gate 8 ...when da little hand is on da 4 and da big hand is on da tree.....

NAME: Lance Alsheimer

WEBSITE: AV8 Inc- Aviation Ground and Flight School

SUBMITTED:

* 22 November 1996 -- Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on

downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle,

usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot

of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two

thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger,

give me four thousand dollars worth!"

* 15 November 1996 -- What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure.

PSA called the Tower and said "Tower, this is United

586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let

PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for

Takeoff before United had a chance to object to the

impersonation!

* 8 November 1996 -- Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after

landing with his Approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at

the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit

off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

* 1 November 1996 -- Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The

term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The

term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned

upon by the management at Western. It seems that

some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a

dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is

a castrated tomcat.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about

women when he's flying and about flying when

he's with a woman.

* 11 October 1996 -- What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper

Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in

order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a

727, one o'clock And three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a

Malibu, eleven o'clock And three miles. Do you have that

traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):

"Well ... I've Got something down there. Can't quite tell

if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

* 13 September 1996 -- Mama Didn't Raise No Fools!

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing

stupid!"

* 6 September 1994 -- Mmmm, Mmmm, Good!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...

by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead

animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact

Departure on 124.7 ...did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ...

and, yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

* 28 June 1996 -- No, That's Not What I Said!

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker,

one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...

I've got that Fokker in sight."

NAME: Mike Gammon

WEBSITE: -

SUBMITTED:

"Center, Eastern 013 with you at 270, 20 DME from JFK 220 radial outbound, requesting 330".

"Eastern 013 radar identified, unable 330".

"Center, Eastern 013, why the hell not? You realize what our fuel burn is down here at 270?"

"Eastern 013, Center, unable altitude request for noise abatement".

(brief silence on the airwaves)

"Center, Eastern 013 say again?"

"Eastern 013, Center unable 330 for noise abatement".

"Center, excuse me, but NOISE ABATEMENT at 33,000 ft?"

"Eastern 013, Center, yup, if you hit that Delta at 310 there's gonna be a hell of a lot of noise!"

--------------------------------------------

The perfect layover for the flight engineer: party all night with all the stewardesses until you drop;

The perfect layover for the First Officer: have dinner with the senior stewardess and the hotel restaurant doesn't overcook your steak.

The perfect layover for the Captain: have a bowel movement

NAME: Sean Woolard

WEBSITE: Sean's Plane Page

SUBMITTED: I was flying on an Aeromexico DC-9 from Atlanta to Cancun. I was in the middle of my flight when we had huge huge turbulence! Of course we have turbulence when we had our drinks! When they hit drinks were flying everything you could imagine! Everybody on the plane got soaked! Except me! I was sitting in my seat with my drink on the tray table, I was just starring it down. The drink I had was Ginger Ale I think. But anyway the Ginger Ale flew out of my cup with my cup sitting there and back in without a drop missing! So everybody got off the plane in Cancun soaked except me!

NAME: Brian Miller

WEBSITE: Brian's Plane Page

SUBMITTED: "Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot"

From "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet".

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh".

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy".

NAME: Evan McElravy

WEBSITE: Evan's Airliner Photos

SUBMITTED: The flight was a 737-500 from Cleveland to Houston on Continental. Miserable flight, the airline had lost my seat assignment and I was trapped between acomputer programmer and a priest with sleep apnea. On final to Intercontinental, the port wigtip suddenly took a sharp drop down. In the hasty correction from up front, the aircraft bounced hard, probably about 20-30 feet. A second attempt to straighten out was similarly unsuccessful. Finally, on the third flare, the less-than-spectacular landing came to an end. Almost immediatly the intercom came on and there was a moment of stifled laughter as we began to taxi to our gate. Finally, the flight attendant, a real firecracker, came on in a dead serious tone. "What can I say...it wasn't the plane's fault. It wasn't the pilot's fault. It was...the asphalt!" Cheers and jeers. She kept it up the whole way to the gate. I wish I could remember everything she says but they were all quite sharp. Finally, as we pulled into the gate, she came on one last time. "As you open the overhead bins, please be careful. I don't know about during the flight, but your luggage certainly shifted during THAT landing."

Another story: the hilarity continued on my connection to Austin, this time on a DC-9. The women next to me had a seat that wouldn't stay in it's "full upright and locked position." As we were cleared to land at Mueller Field and the flight attendants were doing the final sweep of the cabin, the first two both directed her to put it up and she politely said that she couldn't and they nodded and rolled their eyes. The third, though, was sharper. "Please put your seat up." "I'm sorry, it seems to be broken." "Oh? You break it, you bought it."

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