Note: This is just a short piece that occurred to me while in an airplane. I was compelled to write it. Don't ask me why. It takes place and is an extension of the episode, Deep Water.

The Plunge

Waves of foamy water pounded forward, eating away at the shoreline in the on-going ecology war. I watched, idly thinking it was a lot like life. You took everything life threw at you and still managed to keep yourself together, to hold your shape. But, every once in awhile, something slammed into you so hard a little piece of you broke away. It altered your perceptions and made you re-evaluate your purpose, made you wonder where you stood in the great scheme of things.

'It's one of those times,' I thought, gazing into the far distance at ships only I could see. The elegant lines of a cruise ship held my attention as it dipped and flowed smoothly into the sinking sun. Sometimes my keen eyesight could be a curse--like in sudden bright light. On days like this, though, it was worth it. Losing myself in the view, I was able to put things into perspective. It seemed that while I focused on the other lives floating around in the vast blue ocean, I could see myself more clearly.

And that's what brought me--us--here today.

While the thought of endless stretches of water surrounding me sets me on edge, sitting on an old log on the beach does not. I'm on land and that's what counts. So it really didn't bother me to know I'd been sitting here for hours, staring at the water, hoping it had the answers.

I smiled at the thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting some mermaid to pop out and tell me the meaning of life. I'm much to practical to believe in such nonsense. Guess it's why I make such a good cop. Of course, being a Sentinel helps a whole hell of a lot, too.

The ocean, though, did hold the answers in its own special way. It's where it--life--all began, right? Species come and go, the planet changes, but water--the symbol of rebirth and cleansing, remains. It's that life source which called to me after the near fiasco of this past week.

Once the funeral had ended, I realized how...dirty I felt, how utterly useless I was. Things could have turned out very differently had I been paying attention that night. I should have been doing my job. My head tells me I'm being too hard on myself. It wasn't my fault. But try telling my heart that. All it knows is my friend was killed and I could have prevented it had I answered the phone.

I clenched my jaw, hoping the sheer force of my determination would keep the memories at bay. I'd been successful most of the afternoon. Only a few memories had leaked out to cause me pain. But it was getting harder and harder to ignore the images as they battled my will, seeking attention.

'This is why you're here, idiot.' I'd been having these little conversations with myself since the moment I left camp. The little voice in my head was becoming more insistent as the day passed into evening. My mission here was to purify my thoughts and erase the taint from my soul. Hence, the trip to the beach and the Pacific Ocean.

I *was* supposed to remember. But I didn't want to.

Instead, I closed my eyes and listened. The song of distant seagulls filled my ears even as the sound of water bouncing off the hulls of the ships joined it in symphony. Just below that I heard the buzz that came from almost half a mile down the beach. I leaned forward, elbows balanced on knees, my hands dangling between them. Keeping my eyes closed, I let the buzzing overtake me and blanket me in a cocoon of warmth. Like the faint sound of electricity in a light bulb, it brightened my soul. With me everyday, its presence comforted me. With a smile, I realized that I wasn't alone and I could do this.

No longer afraid, I opened my eyes and stared back out toward the ships. I didn't see them. Instead I saw myself standing in Simon's office. Baseball cap, sleeveless flannel shirt, mustache, and earring, I was the picture of arrogance. Trying to look cool, I was defiant and unconcerned all at the same time.

I sighed and shifted my seat on the log. Curling my bare toes in the sand, I gave into the sensation of the warm, grainy texture gliding over my skin. It didn't distract me from my reflections for long. I had been hoping it would, but I soon returned to my thoughts.

Six years ago I had been cocky and aloof. It was the traditional defense mechanism. Keep everyone away, don't let anyone close to you and you'll never feel the pain of losing someone. I learned all too well what that sort of pain felt like. It had lived with me, eating at me the whole eighteen months I'd been stranded in Peru.

The mind numbing ache of those days after the crash and the burial of my comrades had nearly driven me over the edge. If it hadn't been for my mission, my sense of duty, I don't think I would have made it. Although I know longer dwelled on that time, it was now a part of my painful past. It's something that will stay with me until the end of my days.

I scooped up a handful of sand and let it drift through my fingers. 'Dust in the wind,' I thought, the Kansas tune playing in my head. 'All we are is dust in the wind.' I closed my eyes again and let the sharp pain needle through me. When you thought about it, the song said it all. Life was fleeting. No time for regrets. You close your eyes and the moment's gone.

And it seemed to me, I had done just that. I closed my eyes and a friend was gone. The only problem was I had lost him not just once, but twice. Both times had hurt and I wondered again at the wisdom of opening myself up for that pain again.

Letting my senses wander again back down the beach, I let the current of friendship charge through me and the buzz vibrated along my nerve endings. Would it be painful if the precious life not so far from me were to be taken away?

'It would be the worst kind of pain,' I answered my own question. 'Without a doubt I would probably flip out. I know I would eventually get on with my life, but it would be empty.' Thoughts like these were making me feel worse instead of better. I had to consider them, though. It was part of the process of cleansing and rebirth. I had to lay my soul on the table, so to speak, before I could even begin to heal the agony which colored it.

So the questions remained. Was I willing to be put in that kind of position? Did I want to open myself up to that kind of pain again? I shook my head. It really was a moot point since I had already opened my heart and let Blair in. He was there to stay and I wouldn't have it any other way.

A flaring of fire rudely interrupted my introspection. Focusing once more on the lone figure down the beach, I heard a growled expletive. Concerned, I narrowed my eyes and turned up my hearing.

The subject of my gaze fell backwards, as the burst of flame began to subside much to my relief. Hissing water as it hit the fire accompanied the curling of steam and smoke as it escaped upward. 'Yeah, kid. That's it. Put it out. I'm on my way.'

"Oh, man. Jim's gonna kill me for ruining dinner."

I smiled as I watched Blair glance in my direction, squinting in the semi-evening darkness. 'He can't even see me.' My smile became a grin. I stood up and brushed the seat of my pants. Still watching Blair, I strolled slowly through the rolling water's edge and the wet sand.

Blair wasn't aware he had an audience. I saw him run into his tent, hearing him mumble to himself.

"Okay, those burgers are toast--soggy, charred toast. Jim's gonna be hungry when he gets back and I can't ruin this. How do I get myself into these things?"

"Good question, Chief," I said softly and with great affection. My friend had disappeared

from my sight, but I continued to listen.

The muffled sounds of searching punctuated Blair's words. "Where is it? I know I packed some extra munchies. Oh, wow! I've been looking for Mila's phone number for almost a month. Maybe she won't be busy next weekend. There's that Mayan exhibit opening at the Cascade Natural History Museum..."

I threw my head back and laughed. My roommate was in fine form this Friday evening. I'm really glad he came along with me. Blair could have gone on some date and I know he had papers to grade and exams to write. Instead, he's here, taking care of me. Oh, he'd never put it like that, but that's what he's doing. When we first found Jack's car and Blair found out about my old partner, his silent support hummed right along with his own buzz of energy I had come to depend on and treasure. I don't know what I would have done without Blair. Sticking by me even after Simon had asked for my badge, putting himself into danger, and going to the funeral in my place were the marks of true friendship.

As I walked into our little camp, the question that I had been pondering all day came to me again. Would I open myself up to love and friendship once more? Could I handle it? I've lost so many people in my life. Jack and Danny had died, my unit in Peru had died, I was estranged from my dad and my brother and Caroline and I were divorced. Thinking about it made me want to block all stimuli and crawl into a shell for protection. I think I did that for a little while after Jack disappeared. I was never very open and communicative. Most people thought of me as an intensely private individual. I think some were even scared of me.

Everything changed when Blair walked into my life. Open and caring, innocent and wise, carefree and enthusiastic, he showed me life could be *fun*. We've experienced so much together in the short time we've known each other, that we're closer than family. I love him.

Blinking the wetness that had suddenly filmed over my eyes, I sat down across from my best friend. He looked over the barely smoldering fire at me and he smiled.

I reached across and clasped his shoulder. "Thanks, buddy." I said softly.

He nodded slightly and answered just as softly. "You're welcome." I didn't need to say anything else. Blair understood. It was one more thing that sealed our friendship.

The quiet moment passed and in the waning light I saw him hold up a peanut butter and banana sandwich. "Hungry? I made these because I sort of burned the meat..."

I laughed and knew I would never close the door on friendship and love.

Watching my friend, I had the answer to my questions. It had been in front of me the whole time.

The End.

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