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Bangin Em In Since 2004
"Celebrity Mingers I'd Like To Tup Senseless"
If any of the celebrities below would like to contact Bigme with a view to meeting for consentual tupping, email him on bmurb@enochsarmy.co.uk. He is busy every other Saturday when Luton are at home, but nothing that can't be cancelled if jigging is a cert. Foreplay consists mainly of traipsing around town shopping.
Kirstie Allsopp
The monstrous scarf-wearing, jumper-hiding-gut donning presenter of Location Location Location - and it's equally depressing, but imaginatively titled, sequel Relocation Relocation Relocation - get it?!
Bigmeup would most like to relocate his chimney-stack in her cosy semi-detached thatched cottage whilst setting about the head of the smarmy, toff co-presenter with a dead squirrel.
Fern Britten
She's big. She's blonde. Let's leave it at that.
Oh, and she can cook apparently. Always a bonus.
Ruby Wax
Personally, I prefer ear-wax. Bigme, however, is a huge fan but stipulates that she should have gaffer tape fixed over her gaping face hole before he sets off on the journey to her Doom Mountains.
For someone who is a staunch Friends-hater because of it's "shit Americaness" - this I find somewhat beyond the pail.
Natalie Evans
She's had half of Albert Square, but Bigme doesn't mind going where a big, fat, sweaty (now deceased) bloke has been. Says she should be grateful.
Floella Benjamin
This one helped Bigme in honing his onanistic skills (wanking, if you prefer) from a young age. He also instigated the rumour that her and various other members of cast (Brian Cant), crew and props were involved in mass gang-bangs on a regular basis after the cameras stopped rolling. All unsubstantiated, of course, but an aid to the beautiful erotic scene culminating in his young imagination.
Stipulations: she must bring Hamble and Jemimah for a lezzing-up session.
Nina Wadia
"Well, Goodness Gracious Me!" - is what Bigme hopes she will say when she cops a look at the Rudeboy.
She's big, but she's not blonde.
Let's leave it at that.
Vanessa Feltz
Like a Curly-Wurly, she started out B-I-G, then suddenly got smaller. Now she's quite ample again. Turns out she wasn't that pretty when she lost a bit of the old weight anyway.
Anyway, in for a penny in for 400lbs, eh?
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This page first appeared in February 2004. It received 846 hits up until June 2004. Most of them from Bigmeup or members of his family.
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