I'm the kind of lady that can swim through a swamp and dash through a wild jungle and easily survive-- yet trips over a little rock and gets a bad concussion. I know that the things that happen to me aren't as horrible as I think they are, but it's bad enough to either make me cry like a sheep or laugh like a hyena (or both) for an entire day, and I think that's plenty. The things that happen to me are completely in my very own range of luck. They're stupid predictable things that COULD happen to anybody, but they happens to ME, and that's special.
BORN WITH SURVIVAL SYNDROME
I popped out of my dear mother in Brooklyn, New York looking a little like a wrinkled ugly prune with long strands of hair on my back. The hair fell out a little later (thank god), but my life could of easily ended right there with me looking like that, never to have blossomed. My mom was trying to breast feed me, but I apparently didn't want to suck on her, and all I did was cry. She went to the doctor to see why this dear daughter was rejecting her milk. The doctor told her that her tits were not working; and that she better feed her baby fast because there hasn't been any milk coming out for a week.
FROM PRIDE TO PUSSY
I was playing with rubber dolls with my sis in the bathtub, and I was feeling like an adult because I was wearing my mother's showercap for the first time. In Japan, the bathtubs are square, and they come up to your shoulders. Since I was feeling like such a big sis, I wanted to show my little sis that I had quicker, longer legs than her, so I tried to hop out of the tub the same way you hop over a fence with a one-leg-maneuver. That one leg slipped right when I was hopping over, and I banged and broke my pussy for a week.
TRADER ON SHORE
Some friends and I were swimming in a river one day, and we were playing "help and rescue". I swam out to the steeper part of the river and pretended like I was drowning, so my friend was on the way to rescue me. She rescued me, so I headed towards shore. I was so busy jumping in the water, acting like I was happy to be rescued, that by the time I noticed that my saviour wasn't there besides me it was too late.
I turned around and looked for her, but she wasn't anywhere. Then I really looked around hard, and I came across a familiar forehead and a nose bobbing up and down in the middle of a river. Apparently, as she pulled me out of the deep part, I had pulled her behind me and we switched places. Dumb me, I just paddled for shore thinking she was besides me when in fact, I had left her speechless under water. All the sudden, that story that my dad told me about "the boy who cried wolf" became very clear to me. All I could do was just stand there like lamb in shock, and watch my dear friends nose drift further and further away from shore. I think she had the survival syndrome too. I don't even know how long I stood there, but eventually ended up crossing over the ENTIRE RIVER over to the other shore. I ran right over the long bridge to the other side. I felt bad, I really did, but I'm so horrible, I couldn't stop laughing.
REAL CHAMPION
I was excited. I was great at hurdle hopping, and I was going to my school athletic festival to compete in the hurdle race. I was going to win and make that race mine. I was just a little late to the festival so I decided to take a short cut through the rice fields and hop over this thin little man-made creek/sewer. I stood on the thin edge, and was preparing to hop over the creek just like a great hurdle hopper. Then one of my legs slipped, and once again, I banged and broke my pussy, then fell sideways right into the creek.
MALL SHOWER
I was a committed shoplifter in sixth grade. I thought I was really good. I could even steal vegetables. One day after school, I stole a bunch of lip cream, cute handkerchiefs, and a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff. I was feeling sneaky and slicker than ever, and I even brought myself an ice cream. I was about to exit this big mall with my friend when, all of the sudden, this security guard with really bad breath grabbed my belt from behind and yanked me hard, dragging me back inside the mall telling me; "You are a thief!". I was in such shock, I dropped my ice cream and peed in my pants right there.
NOT EVEN MY FAULT
When I told my mom that I wasn't a virgin anymore, we both decided to get a diaphragm together. So we went to the doctor for a fitting, and he stuck a bunch of samples up me to see which size fit my uterus and all that.
About two and a half weeks later, I was mowing the lawn, and I almost ran over two baby rabbits. Luckily, they jumped out of their nest hole in time, but I mowed over their home and ruined it, so I took them in and took care of them. A couple of days later, I started to get a really bad rash on my face. I thought I was allergic to rabbits, so I got rid of them. My rash did not go away. Then, the day after, weird black blood started to come out of my pussy that smelled really bad so I stuck my finger up there immediately to find out Exactly What Was Going On. I felt a extra bone in my vagina and I screamed as loud as I could. Then went back in and slowly pulled my new vagina bone out. That very bone turned out to be the cartilage of a diaphragm! The doctor had left the sample diaphragm in me for a month!!! I COULD OF GOTTEN TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME!!@! I COULD OF DIED!!!!!... But I didn't. We didn't even sue them.
REST IN HELL, MAPLE!
My step dad, Jim-bo, would not let me get my drivers license for over two years because he thought that I was crazy and depressed when all I ever did was to hate him. One day, after I turned eighteen, I couldn't take him anymore, so I threw a hot coffee cup at him, and cut his arm open. That was all it took. He said I could get my license.
After I flunked the same permit test four times, I finally got my license. Four days later, I took a u-turn on a wet street and slipped off the road and had a head-on collision with a maple tree. That night I heard Jim-bo tell my mom the words I hate the most: "I told you so".
Back issues of Ben Is Dead are available for $5
Ben Is Dead PO Box 3166, Hollywood, CA 90028
Back to the fibbers article page