"A Far-Fetched Dream"

"Would you like some Madeira before you retire, m'dear?" the

Captain's mellow tones broke into Carolyn's reverie as she stood by

the telescope. She was lost in thought. She had known for three

days, since the dream the Captain had given her for Christmas, that he

wanted her and that he would marry her if it were possible. She had

known him for a year and a half. The instant attraction at first

sight had continued to deepen the more they got to know each other,

throwing to the wind all common sense and practicality. After the

first year, the Captain had made the first move, and written a poem

clearly stating his feelings. Carolyn had found that she wasn't sure

what to do or say to him at that point. She had been deeply in love

with her husband, and although she had been alone for six years, she

wasn't sure she was ready for a new relationship. Especially such an

unconventional one! For months she had wrestled with her fears, her

thoughts, the possibilities, and her undeniable love. Finally, now,

after the sweet dream of life with Captain Gregg, she thought she was

ready to deal with her emotions and his.

"Mrs. Muir?"

Carolyn turned, and the Captain's vivid blue eyes delved into hers.

Whatever thoughts had been taking shape in her mind fled like leaves

scattering in the wind. She tried to smile, however weakly, but it was

difficult when he was looking at her so intently. His gaze slipped to

her mouth, and in a nervous moment, she moistened her lips. Before

she was fully aware of how it had happened, the Captain's fingers were

in her hair and he was turning her mouth to meet his. He hadn't

kissed her yet, but Carolyn felt the promise in every part of her.

His eyes held hers, as if he expected her to stop him, then they

slowly closed and his mouth grazed hers. Carolyn's eyes drifted shut,

but that was the only response she made.

He kissed her again, even more gently than the first time. His lips

were tender, and Carolyn moaned softly, not in protest, but in wonder

and surprise. It had been so long since a man had kissed her like

this. So long that Carolyn had forgotten the wealth of sensations

that a mere kiss could evoke. Her hands crept to his chest and her

fingers curled into the soft wool of his sweater. Hesitantly,

timidly, her lips trembled beneath his, parting as the kiss

blossomed. The Captain took full possession of her mouth.

Carolyn sighed. The tears that suddenly welled in her eyes were a

shock. She was at a loss to explain where they came from or why.

They silently slipped down her face, and it wasn't until she felt the

moisture that she realized she was crying.

The Captain must have felt the tears at the same moment as she had,

because he abruptly broke off the kiss and raised his head. His eyes

searched hers as his thumb brushed the moisture from her cheek. "I

didn't hurt you!" he spoke abruptly, not even questioning, merely

stating the facts.

She shook her head violently.

"Then why...?"

"I don't know." she couldn't explain something she didn't

understand herself.

"BLAST!" Abruptly he turned and strode out on to the balcony.

Carolyn stood still for a second, the pain of abandonment filling

her. For the life of her, Carolyn couldn't tear her eyes from him.

Without volition, she stepped out the doors. The cold air hit her

with a blast. The Captain turned to look at her. Carolyn didn't

remember walking into his arms, but suddenly she was there,

encompassed by his warmth, feeling more sheltered and protected than

she had since her husband's death. This comforting sensation spun

itself around her as he wove his fingers into her hair, cradling her

head.

Deny it though she might, she knew in her heart how badly she

wanted the Captain to hold her, to kiss her. He must have read the

longing in her eyes, because he lowered his mouth to hers, stopping a

fraction of an inch from her parted lips. She could feel a desire so

powerful, she wanted to drown in his kiss.

From a reservoir of strength she didn't know she possessed, Carolyn

managed to shake her head. "No, please..." This shouldn't be! It

couldn't happen...

"Yes... please," he countered, just before his mouth settled firmly

over hers.

His kiss was the same as it had been before, only more intense.

More potent. Carolyn felt rocked to the very core of her being.

Against every dictate of her will, she felt herself surrendering to

him. She felt herself forgetting to breathe. She felt herself

weakening.

His mouth moved to the delicate line of her jaw, spreading small,

soft kisses there. She sighed. She couldn't help it. The Captain's

touch was magic, and the walls guarding her heart were threatened for

the first time in almost seven years. Unable to stop herself, she

turned her head to the other side, yearning for him to trace a row of

kisses there as well. He complied.

Once more, Carolyn sighed, her mind filled with traitorous,

sensuous thoughts. It felt so good in his arms, so warm and

safe...but she knew the feeling was deceptive. "No, please don't,"

Once more she pleaded, but even to her own ears, the words held little

conviction. And why not? she acknowledged to herself. She wasn't at

all sure she WANTED him to stop! It was just her blasted practicality

at work...

In response, the Captain delivered a long, slow series of feather-

light kisses to her lips, effectively silencing any protest. Carolyn

trembled, breathless.

"Why are you fighting me so hard?" he asked. His hands framed her

face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks. They were damp, and she hadn't

even realized that she was crying again. "Would it help if I told you

how much I enjoy kissing you?"

"Please ... don't." Carolyn forced the words out. She didn't want

him to tell her that. Every time he kissed her, it confused her

more. Despite the sheltered feeling she experienced in his arms,

something deep and fundamental inside her was afraid of loving again.

No, terrified. She was terrified of coming to care so much for the

Captain. Terrified of what the future might hold. Terrified that

there WAS no future...

"Don't what? Enjoy it? Kiss you?"

With all the strength she could muster, Carolyn pulled away from

him. For a moment she looked at him with anguish in her eyes, but she

couldn't bear to see the pain she saw reflected in his, so she turned

away. Her cold hands clenched over the wheel and she gazed unseeingly

out over the ocean, feeling the Captain withdraw.

Suddenly anger, which for so many years had lain dormant inside

her, gushed forth in an avalanche of grief and pain. The tears, so

rare, spilled down her cheeks. Her lips quivered. Her shoulders

shook. Her hands trembled. It was as if the emotion was pounding

against her chest and she was powerless to do anything but stand there

and bear it.

The anger consumed her now. Consumed her because she hadn't

allowed it to when Robert was first reported killed during the Cuban

Missile Crisis shortly before Jonathan's birth. It had been more

important to put on a brave front. More important to hold herself

together for Candy and the prematurely new-born Jonathan, for her

parents, and for Robert's parents. More important to deal with the

present than confront the past.

Robert had died, and Carolyn was furious with him for leaving her

alone with two children to raise. Leaving her alone to deal with

their parents, filing taxes, taking out the garbage and repairing

leaking pipes. All these years she had managed on her own ... well,

mostly! And she had bottled the anger up inside, afraid of ever

letting it go.

"Carolyn."

The Captain's voice, soft and urgent, reached out from behind her.

At the sound, she turned and walked into his arms, sobbing, needing

his comfort and his love in equal measure. Needing him as she had

never needed anyone before.

She didn't know how long he held her. He was whispering soothing

words to her. Gentle words. But she heard none of them over the

sound of her own suffering. Once she started crying, Carolyn couldn't

seem to stop. It was as if a dam had burst inside her and the

anguish, stored for too many years, came pouring out.

"I don't know what to think!" she wailed, knowing that the Captain

understood her feelings. They had both loved, profoundly, and they'd

lost what they'd valued most. For years, in their own ways, they had

sealed themselves off from others, because no one else could

understand their pain. Then they had found one another, and nothing

would ever be the same again. Their love was the mature love that

comes when one has suffered and lost and been left to rebuild a

shattered life. The love they shared was stronger than either could

ever have hoped for.

His hands moved slowly, lazily, along the tops of her arms, drawing

her ever closer. "Don't think any more. Just feel." He lowered his

head. His lips found hers, moved over them with a thoroughness that

had them both gasping. "Carolyn!" His lips covered hers again, and

the jolt of passion was hot and swift. "This all I can think of. YOU

are all I can think of."

He poured all his feelings into that single kiss, lingering over

her mouth as though it held him in its thrall. A kiss so hot, so

hungry, it left her trembling, and begging for more. The hands that

moved over her, the lips that drove her ever higher, spoke of all the

years of loneliness and desperation. It was a kiss that drained her

even as it filled her.

Carolyn returned his kiss with a passion that caught them both by

surprise. Boldly she wrapped her arms around his neck and offered her

lips. What had been a fire deep inside erupted into a blazing

inferno.

When Carolyn awoke the next morning, she was alone. As usual.

For a moment she wondered if she could possibly have dreamt such a

wild and wonderful experience. If so, she thought wryly as she got

dressed, her dreams certainly were becoming much more vivid and

leaving lasting effects on her body!

She checked her calendar and grinned at the poem inscribed therein:

My life is on a journey

Like a ship upon the sea

Moving through the waters

that God has planned for me.

The harbour's in the distance

The lighthouse is the guide

The spirit's wind is blowing,

My Captain's by my side.

...yet HER Captain was nowhere to be seen, so Carolyn ran

downstairs to the kitchen. The children were just getting ready to

leave, and gave her a quick hug on their way to the school bus.

Carolyn and Martha sat at the table and drank a cup of coffee with

their toast.

As she got to her feet to refill the cups, Martha asked, "So,

what's on your agenda for today, Mrs. Muir?"

Carolyn shrugged. "More of the usual, I suppose. I'm still

working on my article on lighthouses."

"It's supposed to warm up quite a bit today, so make sure you get

some fresh air."

"Yes, mother!" Carolyn spoke cheekily.

Martha grinned unrepentantly "I'm off shopping, is there anything

you need?"

"I don't think so, thank you."

"I'll be home in a couple of hours."

"Right. I'll be sunning myself on the porch, soaking up the fresh

air." Carolyn smiled.

Laughing, Martha shook her head. "Don't know if it's going to be

THAT warm, but each to her own!"

"Well, I MAY wear a jacket instead of a swimsuit!"

After seeing Martha off, Carolyn helped herself to her third cup of

coffee, then went upstairs. She wondered where the Captain was, but

he still hadn't appeared. Perhaps she HAD been dreaming the night

before? Surely not! Maybe he was just feeling embarrassed because of

what they had done. Or ... Carolyn stopped suddenly ... could he have

been disappointed in her? No! She wouldn't think like that. It HAD

to have been as wonderful for him as it had been for her!

She sat at her desk and stared at the typewriter for a while,

trying to marshal her thoughts. It was no use. Gathering up her cup

of now cold coffee, Carolyn went back to the kitchen and rinsed the

cup, then put on her jacket and stepped out onto the porch. The sun

made it very warm in the sheltered area. She picked absently at the

dead ivy vines on one of the posts.

"Good morning, m'dear." The voice she had been longing to hear

suddenly sounded in her ear.

Carolyn glanced swiftly at him as the Captain materialized by her

side, then looked away shyly. "Good morning, Captain. Lovely day,

isn't it?"

"It WAS..." he said, his scowl growing as a car approached Gull

Cottage.

"Captain, be good!" Carolyn warned him as the car stopped at the

gate and the door opened.

Carolyn shielded her eyes against the bright sun, squinting to see

if she recognized the fair-haired man slowly coming up the walk.

Suddenly she felt as if her breath had been ripped from her body. She

blindly reached out for the pillar to support herself, feeling the

colour drain from her face.

"What is it?" the Captain asked sharply, her set face scaring him.

She didn't seem to hear him.

Then, as the man stood quietly in front of them at the bottom of

the steps, she forced the single word, "Robert!" through her trembling

lips.

"Carolyn." came the soft response. "My darling Carolyn..."

Furious, the Captain was about to conjure up a blinding

thunderstorm upon the sight of shadows darkening the beauty of

Carolyn's green eyes. But he hesitated, suddenly aware that it was

not his place to repel THIS boarder, pirate though this Mr. Muir may

be!

"You haven't seen a ghost." Robert continued, a slight teasing in

his voice. "I finally escaped the prison they held me in."

"They told me you were dead..." Carolyn said stupidly, in a dull,

lifeless voice. She still hadn't moved toward him.

Robert nodded, and cautiously stepped up closer. "I know."

"I thought you were dead..." Carolyn's eyes were huge in her white

face. "But ... You are ..."

"I'm alive, Carolyn." His hand came out and lightly touched her

hand clenched about the porch pillar. "See? You can't feel a ghost."

"I beg to differ." Captain Gregg finally spoke, his voice gruff,

realizing Carolyn was paying no attention to him, and Mr. Muir could

not hear him. He was unused to being ignored, and did not like the

feeling. And he was MOST unhappy about this entire new situation!

"Robert..." Carolyn couldn't think and couldn't move. Her whole

world had just turned upside down and she had no point of reference to

keep her balance. She closed her eyes, hoping she wouldn't faint.

What should she do? What COULD she do?

"May I at least come in? And really, I think you should sit down.

I'll tell you the whole story..." Robert touched Carolyn's arm, and

she flinched. He drew back instantly.

Shaking, Carolyn groped for the door, and the Captain opened it

silently for her. Robert clenched his jaw, then put his hand on her

elbow and guided her inside.

"In ... here..." Carolyn waved vaguely towards the living room, and

Robert went with her, seating her on the couch and dropping down

beside her.

"Carolyn, are you listening?" he took her cold hands in his. "I'll

explain ..."

"Are you REALLY alive, Robert?" her voice was tiny and sounded far

away to her ears. This was so incredible, so hard to believe! And

how could it have come so close to the time when she had finally given

in to her desire for Captain Gregg? Carolyn felt slightly sick.

"Carolyn ... look at me." Robert urged.

Slowly she brought her gaze back to the beloved husband of her

youth. She vaguely noted the changes in his physical appearance --

the loss of weight, the loss of the boyishness that had so endeared

him to her, the ancient eyes of one who has seen too much horror.

Carolyn swallowed hard. Catching a movement out of the corner of her

eye, she realized the Captain was standing behind the couch. She

could sense his simmering frustration with the present events.

"If you're sure you're listening, I'll explain." Robert said. At

her slight nod, he continued, "Mother and Father told me I had been

listed as killed in action. But I was taken prisoner, and finally

escaped. I got back last night. We decided not to phone you. I came

as soon as I could this morning. I've missed you, my love... I

realize you may not welcome me back into your life, Carolyn. Mother

told me you were seeing someone else. After all, it HAS been over

seven years, and as Father reminded me, you are a very beautiful,

passionate woman."

"How good of you to recognize that." the Captain said dryly.

Carolyn's anguished gaze flickered very briefly over him, then

fastened back on Robert's face.

When Carolyn made no verbal response, Robert gulped, then veered

off on another tangent. "How is Candy? Our lovely little girl? And

the baby -- Mother said his name is Jonathan, and that he's the image

of me. I hear you've done a marvellous job bringing them up, and I

would like to see them again. Get to know them... I guess I'm asking

for you to take me back. As a Christmas present?"

This was more than the Captain could stand. He stiffened to his

full height, and thunder rumbled. Robert looked around. "Thunder in

the winter?"

Carolyn shook her head, trying to clear it, then said softly, "It's

all right." She wasn't sure who she was meaning to reassure -- Robert

or the Captain or herself!

Taking in Robert's gaunt appearance, her eyes revealed the pain and

torment she was feeling. "Robert, I ...I don't know what to say."

"Is your sea Captain here?" Robert said, unexpectedly. Both

Carolyn and the Captain looked at him in surprise. "I told you my

parents said you were seeing someone," he reminded her. "They said he

was a Captain. I just wondered if he was here."

"Yes, he is." Carolyn said, and her eyes drifted again to the

scowling figure of the ghost.

Robert's face fell. "I see." He was quiet for a moment. "All

those years, I was thinking of you and our family..."

"So was I!" Carolyn's voice shook. She swallowed and steadied it,

saying carefully, "Robert, I can't make a decision now, on the spur of

the moment. You can't expect it of me."

Shrugging, with an air of nonchalance that was at variance with the

intensity of his eyes, Robert said, after a moment, "May I see the

children?"

"They ...they won't recognize you."

"What do you mean?"

"I kept no pictures, Robert, that's what I mean!" Carolyn flared

suddenly. "You were gone! I had to carry on, and it was hard!" She

stopped, and, avoiding his stricken look, she murmured, "I'm sorry.

It was the only way I could cope. I was devastated at the news.

That's why Jonathan was born in early November instead of near

Christmas. Right from the beginning, I was fighting to keep my sanity

and to do what I felt was right. We didn't go to visit your parents

much -- instead, they came to our place. And the children never asked

about you. I was going to tell them, but they never asked..." her

voice trailed away. At last she looked up at him. "Do you know,

Robert, I never cried ... I kept it all inside ... until last night.

LAST NIGHT!! And you show up here today ... and ask me to take you

back ..." She stopped for a moment, and again her tortured gaze

sought the Captain.

He stepped forward instantly. "No need to feel guilty about last

night. There was no way you could know."

"Carolyn?" Robert followed her gaze, then stared back at her.

"What is it?"

Carolyn covered her face with her hands and shuddered. She felt as

if she were fainting, and had to struggle to get her breath under

control. Sounds receded, then advanced; the room whirled and tilted.

After a long time of feeling as if she were falling through a dark

tunnel, hearing herself crying out for help -- help from Daniel --

Carolyn opened her eyes.

She was in her room. In bed. Martha and the children were

standing by her bedside, eyes wide with concern.

"Are you all right, Mom? You were screaming." Candy asked.

"You were yelling for the Captain, but calling him Daniel."

Jonathan added.

"It must have been some nightmare, to call for THAT ogre!" Martha

agreed. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Muir?"

"How did I get here?" Carolyn sat up, and looked down at herself,

realizing she was in her nightgown, and the sun was streaming in the

window as usual for an early winter morning.

She looked up again, and the Captain was behind the children,

looking concerned as well. "What happened?" she asked.

"We told you!" the children said.

"It ... it was all a dream?"

"Sounded like a nightmare to me," Martha reiterated.

"Robert wasn't here?"

The Captain looked stunned. "Your late husband?"

The children merely looked puzzled and mildly curious. "What are

you talking about, Mom?"

Carolyn sank back down on the pillows, closing her eyes. "You're

right, Martha. A nightmare."

"Well, I'll get the children off to school for you ... then bring

you up a cup of coffee. You still have that lighthouse article to

finish, don't you?"

"Thank you, Martha. You're a gem."

"And don't you forget it!" Martha ushered the children out of the

room.

Carolyn looked at the Captain when they were alone. "Was it ALL a

dream? That Robert came back, and hadn't died?"

"It's the first I've heard of Robert, my dear." the Captain spoke

gruffly. "THAT part was certainly a dream. A far-fetched one, at

that!"

"And the rest?" she suddenly sat up, alert. "Last night, on the

balcony? Did I dream that, too? Please say it wasn't a dream!"

The Captain's blue eyes softened as they looked at her. "No, my

dear, THAT part was no dream. THAT is for you and I alone. Forever."