LETTERS
to the 
H.O.G.(continued)
Dear Nathan,
Have you ever wondered about gum? Why do they call it gum? Since you chew it and not gum it, shouldn't they call it "tooth"? You put it in your mouth like a food, you chew it like a food, but you don't swallow it. Do you ever think that gum gets jealous of real food? I think gum is like that guy standing outside the nightclub that the doorman won't let in. Gum must be thinking, "what's wrong with me? Why won't he let me in ? He let broccoli in. What's broccoli got that I don't? Maybe broccoli knows the owner". Or maybe gum is like that wounded guy in the war movies. The gum tells the food "you guys go on ahead. I'll be all right. I'll stay here and cover you". This is why sometimes I'll swallow my gum just to say, "hey, nice going little guy. I think you earned it". And who was the first guy to think of gum? I think it was some caveman eating a piece of mammoth who thought, "hey, I'm not hungry, but this mammoth tastes pretty good. I think I'll just keep chewing it until the flavor is gone and then spit it out". When you think about it, buying gum is like ordering a drink at a restaurant that you just swish around in your mouth and then spit out.
Jerry Seinfeld
Dear Jerry,
As usual, your observational humor is right on target. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Can you imagine? Ordering Listerine at a restaurant? Man, you are one wacky guy!
-Nathan
Dear Nathan;
Yesterday I heard on the radio a story about a man in LA, Brian English, who makes a memory enhancing gum called "Brain Gum". For old fogeys it would be a godsend (if true). Only a few weeks of jawing will improve your short term memory dramatically. Might you have heard of this phenomenal product and if so pass along the info to us? A short reply by email would be appreciated as well. I love your site!
Bill (where did I put my keys?) Bruner
Dear Bill,
We have known about the correlation between intelligence
and gum-chewing for some time now. But the exact cause and effect has yet
to be determined. For example, does chewing-gum make you smarter,
or do smarter people just naturally tend to chew more gum simply because
it's the smart thing to do? Or is there some sociological connection that
we are missing? For example, because gum-chewers tend to be more rebellious,
maybe they are more creative and more open to new ideas than the narrow-minded,
rigid and conformist people who don't chew gum.
I am not familiar with the work of Mr. English, but my advice at this point would be to adopt a wait and see attitude and try not to get our hopes up too high. I direct you to the example of amino acids, which first came to most peoples' attention in the form of the "smart drinks" craze of the early '90's club scene. Unlike ecstasy which was the other rave scene drug of choice at the time, amino acid-laced smart drinks strengthened short term memory, were completely legal, didn't drain spinal fluid, and didn't cause weird eye muscle twitches the next day. But within time, the ravers soon learned something the scientific community had known for decades. You see, in the early 1950's brain researchers observed that amino acids seemed to increase intelligence (by increasing memory retention) but they also learned that the effects were only temporary. Test scores went up, but then they went back down again. And future doses had no effect. Oh well, back to the drawing board.
I'm not saying that there is no hope for a memory-enhancing or intelligence-enhancing gum. Heck, we dabbled in that area ourselves for a short while. We actually had some very encouraging early results with a gum product we were slated to call "Nathan's Mind-Blo". But we soon found that there were some unpleasant side-effects, and so we had to close down Project Algernon.
As a fellow gum man with a passion for scientific discovery, I do wish Mr. English the best of success though. I'll even give him some free advice. He might want to rethink the name "Brain Gum". I mention it because we were originally going to name our red wine-flavored anti-oxidant gum "Nathan's Heart Muscle Gum", but that name really didn't succeed with our focus group. In fact, it made them just a little queasy. Of course, you know this product today as "Nathan's Vino Stripe Gum". I learned my lesson though: don't name your gum after an internal organ.
-Nathan
ps: your keys are behind the couch.
I would like to know some facts on gum. Does gum satisfy your hunger or does it make you even more hungry? Is it a good aphrodisiac? Please answer ASAP. Thank you sweety pie!
Sherida James
Dear Sherida,
Does gum satisfy hunger? I'm so glad you ask because
this has been a source of confusion among gum chewers for some time,
since the answer is rather complicated. As a general rule, gum chewing
does not satisfy hunger. On the other hand, gum swallowing
does satisfy hunger, provided you swallow enough packs in one sitting.
However, gum chewing does satisfy cravings, which is defined as a
psychological desire for a specific food or flavor, as opposed to
hunger, which is defined as a physical need for food and nutrition.
At the risk of adding to the confusion, let me back up here a bit. Our very popular Nathan's Phun/Fun Gum, made with yummilicious Phentermine and Fenfluramine, did suppress appetites, whether you swallowed it or not. Sadly, those pea-brains in Washington made us pull it from the market. One small percentage of users get heart flutters and those jackbooted thugs at the FDA have a spaz attack! The hardest part for me was having to say goodbye to our beloved spokeslogo Phen Fen the Chubby Chinese Panda.
Is gum a good aphrodisiac? I suppose it varies from person to person, but let me just say that I really had the hots for Madonna back in her early gum-chewing Lucky Star days. But now that she doesn't chew gum anymore, she doesn't do anything for me. Did you see her on the MTV Music Awards? What was that Klingon crap she had on her face? Boy, talk about a turn-off.
-Nathan
Dear Nathan,
Why aren't you interested in my idea to market "Thriller Gum"? See, I love gum. Children love gum. I love children. I think it would be great if all of the children of the world could come together in peace and harmony and chew my gum, hopefully at my ranch. I'm giving you exclusive rights to use my magical image on your gum! Why won't you consider it? How come you don't return my calls?
Michael Jackson
Dear Mike,
Two words: Megan's Law
-Nathan