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And it was a very good book of Rasputin's involvement in that, which shows how people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
-- Senator Dan Quayle gives his opinion of the book Nicholas, and Alexandra, to Hendrick Hertzberg of the New Republic, 9/28/88 (reported in Savvy Woman, 1/89, p. 56)
In Defense of the Stupid:
(An Open Letter to Dr. Laura)
Dear Dr. Laura,
Long time listener, first time open-letter writer. I am my kid's dad. I am my dad's kid. My dad is my kid's grandad. I am my brother-in-law's kid's uncle. I also have a dog. I always listen to your show when I'm in my car. If I could figure out how to change the station on my car radio, believe me I would! At this point I'd be happy if I could just figure out how to turn the radio off! Maybe it's time to buy a new car again. Believe me, I can't wait until this car runs out of gas and I gotta replace it!
Anyway, the reason I'm writing
is that I often hear you say bad things about stupid people. We stupid people
are used to being called names: bonehead, moron, idiot, cretin, numbskull,
pea-brain, dork, dip, ditzy, dimbulb, dumb as a post, a few slices short
of an deck, not playing with a full elevator, loaf doesn't go all the way
to the top, not the sharpest knife on the string, not the brightest bulb
in the drawer. Believe me, we've heard them all. But that doesn't mean we
have to like it.
You see, we stupid people have a rich and proud history that you may not be aware of. Ever since our caveman ancestors battled the dinosaurs for world domination, stupid people were there. During the Revolutionary War, stupid people bravely fought for both the North and the South. On that "day that will live in infancy" when the Japanese bombed Pearl S. Buck, stupid people were there. Stupid people openly weeped tears of pride as those brave Mercury astronauts took off for Mercury or wherever they went. Most stupid people don't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact there are many words we don't know! From the Atlantic ocean to the other ocean, from New York City to Hawaii City and all the state capitals in between, stupid people roam this great land like those buffalo used to before the Indians killed them all off to build the railroads.
Yet despite the advancements of stupid people, we face daily discrimination every week. Did you know that each year, thousands of stupid people are denied admissions to college just because we don't do too well on your precious, intellectually-biased "standardized tests"? How many times have you passed up a stupid person for promotion because "he doesn't have the sense to come in from out of a paper bag", or "he might get someone hurt operating sensitive heavy machinery like that", or simply "he's just too stupid", like that's a good enough reason?
Despite this discrimination,
we are seeing progress. When I read in my car's owner's guide not to drive
with the hood up, or when my toaster manual tells me not to operate it under
water, or when my fast food restaurant tells me not spill hot coffee on
my lap, it feels like they're talking directly to me. See I know that they
wouldn't have needed to say this if they didn't have a lot of stupid customers
paying their salaries. What if I did hurt myself because I wasn't told not
to? What if, God forbid, I somehow killed myself and couldn't breed? I would
be forced to sue, that's what! It's just plain good business sense.
Other media outlets have made progress, like when they say during an eclipse not to look directly into the sun, or like when they say "don't try this at home" so I go over to Larry's to try it there instead. I know they're just saying that for us stupid people, and we appreciate it. It's a small step, but it's more than you have ever done for us!
Oh sure, we may not always get your jokes or understand your long words or turn down our radios when we call in like you ask us to. We may laugh at inappropriate times or get confused when you talk about made-up places like Poland. But we're out here, and there's more of us than you think. Maybe even someone you know is stupid, perhaps even the person sitting next to you. Did you ever think of that? And whether we're born stupid or whether our minds are controlled by microwaves or whether we're stupid by choice shouldn't really matter. What matters is that the next feelings you hurt may just be a stupid person's.
Sincerely,
Nathan Gilbert
Stupid-American
ps: I'm posting this here as an open letter rather than sending it to you because you say that anything people send you becomes yours. I'm no lawyer (though many stupid people are) but if I'm understanding you correctly, this means that if I sent you this and you printed it in one of your books then I wouldn't get paid anything. The way I figure, if I keep it here as an open letter, then it's still mine. I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot.