Where to read MAT COWARD ... (updated 24th April 2001)
People sometimes ask me "Who else do you write for?" This is the answer ... or some of it. Below, you will find an incomplete list of
- The periodicals I write for regularly
- The books in which my short stories have appeared
- The magazines in which my short stories have appeared.
First, the headlines:
The 2001 Edgar Award Nominees were recently announced ... and I’m on the list! My story “Twelve of the little buggers” (EQMM, January 2000) is on a short list of five in the Best Short Story category. An Edgar nomination is about as exciting as life gets in the crime fiction field; they are the genre’s biggest awards, often described as “the Mystery Oscars”. The awards are, of course, named after Edgar Allan Poe, and are run by the Mystery Writers of America.
TTA Press - publisher of “The Third Alternative,” “Crimewave,” and “Zine” - is now taking orders for my new book, out now in electronic format, and later this year in print. Called SUCCESS ... AND HOW TO AVOID IT, it’s an idea I’ve been working at, on and off, for some years. I’ve been making what passes for “a living” as a freelance writer since 1986, and during that time I’ve done just about every scribbling-related job you could name, in books, magazines, radio, TV, stage, greetings cards, newspapers, videos ... and so on. As you can imagine, over the years I have amassed a certain amount of knowledge (and an even greater amount of opinions) concerning the life of the freelance - not least, that writing is a crap way to earn a living, and that anyone who wants to do it full-time must be stone bonkers. This book is intended as an antidote to all the other writers’ books - the ones that are full of homilies, and vague advice, and utterly groundless optimism; the ones that insist that “You too can make £££s as a freelance writer without really trying from the comfort of your own living-room after just three Easy Lessons!” This books aims to give a true picture of the freelance life, from the inside. It’s very funny, it’s illustrated with great cartoons by Rob Kirbyson, and you never know - it might even tell you something useful.
Anyone familiar with TTA Press’s work won’t be surprised to hear that SUCCESS is a very smartly produced paperback, printed in what publisher Andy Cox candidly calls an “obscure format,” just to make sure it messes up the look of your bookshelves totally. The price including postage is £10 (UK), £11 (Europe), $20 (USA), and £12 (rest of the world). It’s also available in a PDF e-book format, price £5; check with TTA for details. TTA Press loiters at 5 Martins Lane, Witcham, Ely, Cambs CB6 2LB, UK. Email: ttapress@aol.com Website: www.tta-press.freewire.co.uk
My first novel was published by Five Star in the USA in June 2000. Called UP & DOWN, it’s a whodunit set on a garden allotment site in north London; the ISBN is 0-7862-2541-6. (The second in this series featuring DI Don Packham and PC Frank Mitchell - called IN AND OUT, it’s set in a pub darts team - is scheduled for publication around Christmastime 2001, and a collection of my short crime stories is planned for 2002; both from Five Star). ‘Up & Down’ is available from all the usual actual and virtual booksellers, but if you have any difficulty ring 1-800-223-1244 (in the USA) to order direct; in the UK, contact Five Star’s London sales rep, Jim Ross, on 020 7257 2930. The book has sold out and been reprinted twice, so some people might have had to wait a bit for their copies; sorry about that. It is now easily available from all the main on-line, US-based booksellers (though I would urge you not to buy anything from Amazon; according to the UK newspaper The Independent, 3 Feb 01, union organisers claim that management is currently using discriminatory lay-offs and threats in an attempt to smash the union at Amazon), and from Murder One in London.
“Auspicious debut” - Library Journal.
“Impressive debut” - Booklist.
“A treat” - Deadly Pleasures.
THE BEST OF ROUND THE HORNE by Barry Took with Mat Coward (Boxtree, £9-99; ISBN: 0-7522-1809-3) was published in the UK in September 2000. This is a collection of 20 scripts from the 1960s BBC radio comedy show, created by Barry Took and Marty Feldman. My part in the venture has been to add footnotes to explain some of the more obscure references, and to provide an introduction to each episode which attempts to place the programme in the context of its times. Most of the scripts here have never been published before, and they are presented complete for the first time - all the material that was cut from the broadcast version has been reinstated. Any fan or student of comedy, and anyone interested in social history, will find this a fascinating book, I believe; to this day, there is no British radio comedy series that has been more influential, and tapes of the original broadcasts continue to sell in their hundreds of thousands.
MORNING STAR
1-3 Ardleigh Road, London N1 4HS, UK. Tel: 0171 254 0033. Fax: 0171 254 5950. E-mail: morsta@geo2.poptel.org.uk
The Star is the world's only English-language socialist daily newspaper. Published since 1930, it describes itself as the "daily paper of the left," and it provides a platform and a forum for people and organisations from all parts of the labour movement, as well as every variety of socialist, left-winger, and "progressive". Its foreign affairs coverage is unrivalled; many non-socialists read it because they know it's the one place where they can find sensible, reliable reporting from all over the world, free from the trend-driven sensationalism and trivia which is all that's available these days from the broadsheet press. If you haven't seen the paper in a few years, you should have another look: you'll be pleasantly surprised, I guarantee it. I write two monthly columns for the Star: one on gardening, and the other a review of current crime fiction.
Since 1988, I've been writing a regular humour column, Down the garden path, for ORGANIC GARDENING, Britain's only newsstand publication dedicated to the subject hinted at in its title. This is, by quite a way, my longest-running column. I also prepared OG's annual index from the beginning until 2000 - it is, I believe, the most comprehensive index of its kind in the country. OG has grown a lot during its first decade, but has never lost sight of its guiding journalistic principle - that it is a practical, muddy-handed magazine, not something with which to decorate a coffee-table. It's a mag that you read for pleasure, certainly, but it's also one that you keep for reference, knowing that you'll be employing the advice of its experienced writers again and again. The address is OG, PO Box 29, Minehead, Somerset, TA24 6YY, UK.
SPECTRE is that rare thing, a truly international periodical. Edited in Brussels, in English, with contributors from several continents, its main aim is to oppose the big business project to turn Europe into an undemocratic, union-busting superstate. You'll learn a lot more about the real world from this mag than from CNN, I promise you. I write a humour and comment column in each issue under the banner Haunting Europe, a partial quotation which, if you're American, you'd better not admit to recognising! Spectre no longer publishes a print version - instead, it’s on-line at www.spectrezine.org
Though I’m no longer involved with it, I helped publisher Andy Cox launch CRIMEWAVE, a beautifully produced, all-fiction, twice-yearly magazine, which prints short stories from across the range of modern crime fiction by both famous and unknown writers. The publisher is TTA Press, 5 Martins Lane, Witcham, Ely, Cambs CB6 2LB, UK. Tel: 01353 777931. For subscription details and writers' guidelines visit the TTA Press website, Shadowlink www.tta-press.freewire.co.uk, or E-mail: TTAPress@aol.com.
For the US crime fanzine, DEADLY PLEASURES, edited by George Easter, I write a regular column of humour and comment called Atlantic asides. DP is an enormously enjoyable magazine, well-produced but informal and with a friendly, chatty tone to it. It's full of reviews, news about the genre, and letters. Its address is PO Box 969, Bountiful, UT 84011, USA, and you can e-mail George at george@deadlypleasures.com
MYSTERY SCENE is the mystery and suspense writers’ trade mag, published by Martin Greenberg and edited by Ed Gorman. Starting with issue 70, I’m writing a regular column for MS called “Short and sweet” in which I pick out a few of the most memorable short stories I’ve read recently, and try to explain what it was about them that impressed me. Subscription details at www.horrornet.com, or contact Ed Gorman at ejgorman99@aol.com, or write to Mystery Scene, 3601 Skylark Lane SE, Cedar Rapids, IA 52403, USA.
One of my favourite magazines ever is FORTEAN TIMES, which I've been a devoted reader of for many years. Subtitled "the journal of strange phenomena," FT follows the work of the seminal American philosopher Charles Fort. The fortean approach to phenomena - strange or otherwise, "orthodox" or "alternative" - is rooted in true scepticism, which rejects both cynicism and credulity. Fort himself wrote: "I conceive of nothing, in religion, science or philosophy, that is more than the proper thing to wear, for a while". These days, FT is a glossy monthly, available from most newsagents, but still each issue reads like a labour of love. I write a monthly column (illustrated, to my great delight, by Hunt Emerson) called Mythconceptions, which deals with those "well-known facts" that everyone is aware of, but which so often turn out to be groundless - myths such as "Hitler was a vegetarian," or "the Swedes have the world's highest suicide rate". FT's head office is at John Brown Publishing, The New Boathouse, 136-142 Bramley Road, London W10 6SR, UK. The website is www.forteantimes.com
I write a lot of book reviews for various journals, some of which will be found by typing my name into a search engine. I do the occasional review for THE INDEPENDENT, a British daily newspaper, which are archived at www.independent.co.uk/enjoyment/Books/Reviews
“Mat Coward writes terrific short stories” - Ian Rankin.
Here's a list of anthologies containing my short stories:
MORE MURDERS FOR THE FIRESIDE edited by Maxim Jakubowski (Pan, 1994) ISBN: 0 330 33572 3
Story title: "History repeats itself, and it doesn't even say pardon". See the entry for Constable new crimes 2.
LAST RITES & RESURRECTIONS edited by Andy Cox (TTA Press, 1995)
ISBN: 0 9526947 00
Story title: "Clean and bright". I actually dreamt the first half of this story, and woke up with it in my mind, just waiting to be written down. The second half involved a lot more work, unfortunately, but eventually it was done and I sent it to Andy Cox's magazine The Third Alternative, which has become by far the most talked about fiction magazine in Britain during the 1990s (for details, see the "Crimewave" entry above). It's an odd little slipstream piece, about a woman who washes air. I later sold it, somewhat rewritten, to BBC Radio 4, and Andy chose it for this first paperback selection of TTA stories. The title story of the anthology, incidentally, written by Martin Simpson, is one of the most brilliant and widely-admired stories of the decade.
3rd CULPRIT edited by Liza Cody, Michael Z Lewin and Peter Lovesey (Chatto, 1994) ISBN: 0 7011 6237 6.
(Also published in USA: Worldwide, 1996, ISBN: 0 373 26212 4)
Story title: "The Hampstead Vegetable Heist". I lived in Hampstead, North London, between 1978 and 1987, and continue to set some of my stories in the pubs and bedsits of that unique urban village. This is a more-or-less light-hearted story, inspired by newspaper reports of amateur criminals attempting to commit robberies armed only with fake guns in the form of cucumbers in paper bags. I'll always be grateful to the distinguished editors of this CWA anthology for taking a chance by publishing a story by a completely unknown writer. Mike Lewin, one of my favourite authors in this or any other genre, has continued to be very generous to me with his time, advice and practical help. Crime writers are notoriously nice people! This story was picked up by BBC Radio 4 for broadcast in the "Short Story" slot.
CONSTABLE NEW CRIMES 2 edited by Maxim Jakubowski (Constable, 1993)
ISBN: 0 09 472670 1
Story title: "History repeats itself, and it doesn't even say pardon". This was my first published crime story, which I submitted to Maxim on spec. I can still remember the thrill of seeing it in print - and of hearing that it had been short listed for the Crime Writers' Association's Dagger Award for short stories, in that award's inaugural year. The title came first with this piece, and I then invented a narrative to go with it - not a working method I would necessarily recommend! It's about a cop who used to be a crook. He's happy in his new life, until a young colleague makes it clear that he knows his secret.
CRIME YELLOW edited by Maxim Jakubowski (Gollancz, 1994) ISBN: 0 575 05848 X (also issued as a paperback, under the cover title Gollancz new crimes).
Story title: "Do the world a favour". This very dark, but quite funny thriller, in which a nasty, right-wing, old bag suffers a taxi ride of terror, is a story I'm particularly proud of because, unlike most of my writing, it has a well-worked out plot - though in fact, the clues, red herrings and twists only became apparent to me when I read back the completed story, so perhaps "worked-out" isn't the right phrase. The vile woman in the story really existed - though I'm glad to say I never met her.
THE YEAR’S FINEST CRIME AND MYSTERY STORIES, THIRD ANNUAL EDITION edited by the staff of Mystery Scene (Carroll & Graf, 1994)
Story title: "History repeats ..." reprinted from Constable new crimes 2, above. My first reprint was a great moment - there are few things a writer enjoys more than getting paid twice for the same piece of work.
A TREASURY OF CAT MYSTERIES compiled by Martin H. Greenberg (Carroll & Graf, 1998) ISBN: 0 7867 0541 8
Story title: "Where the cat came in". Mysteries featuring cats are enormously popular in America, and I've written my fair share of them over the last few years. Obviously, it can be difficult coming up with a sufficiently original idea, when so many cat crimes have already been written by so many notable authors. My solution in this story was to give a cheeky twist, and a knowing title, to a fairly light-hearted suspense puzzle.
ONCE UPON A CRIME edited by Ed Gorman and Martin H. Greenberg (Berkley, 1998) ISBN: 0 425 16301 6 (Also in paperback, ISBN 0 425 17128 0)
Story title: "Old Sultan". I was naturally pleased to be invited to write for this book, an anthology of Grimm and Andersen fairy tales retold by crime writers, but when I started reading the old stories I almost gave up. Classics? They're rubbish! Trite, dull, repetitive - worst of all, very few of them seemed to me to contain any actual story at all. But in the end, I did manage a story that I was happy with, and which has turned out to be quite popular; it's about the differing views of loyalty held by a group of career criminals in London. This book is also available as an audio book, on six cassettes, published by Durkin Hayes, ISBN: 0-88646-461-7. My story is very well read by an actor called Simon Prebble.
COLD CUTS II edited by Paul Lewis and Steve Lockley (Alun Books, 1994)
ISBN: 0 907117 68 6
Story title: "Cold calling". My first contribution to this enterprising and diverse small press series - a horror story about junk mail; I don't suppose anybody would find the inspiration for this story hard to imagine.
COLD CUTS III edited by Paul Lewis and Steve Lockley (Alun Books, 1995)
ISBN: 0 907117 72 4
Story title: "Those things". This is one of my favourites amongst my stories, though I have to admit that this seems to be an opinion I share with virtually no-one. Perhaps the dull title (I couldn't come up with anything better, no matter how I tried) puts a damper on the story itself. It's a bitter-sweet piece about a dead ghost - an idea which I, at least, think is brilliant!
NO ALIBI edited by Maxim Jakubowski (Ringpull, 1995) ISBN: 1 89805 151 8
(also in a limited edition: Scorpion Press, 1995. ISBN: 1 873567 20 0)
Story title: "No night by myself". This was the official anthology of the 1995 Bouchercon, and I was surprised and delighted to be asked to contribute to it, along with some of the biggest names in the field. I've always enjoyed crime stories with a Christmas setting, but this was the first time I'd written one. The finished piece turned out to be rather more sombre than I'd intended: it's a psychological suspense story about a lonely man who is determined not to spend Christmas alone - no matter what he has to do to find company.
(This story received an Honourable Mention in Ellen Datlow’s annual list).
PERFECTLY CRIMINAL edited by Martin Edwards (Severn House, 1996)
ISBN: 0 7278 5132 2
Story title: "Bits". This volume was the first in a new series of the CWA's famous annual anthology. For contributors, the pay's lousy but the kudos is considerable! The theme of this book is "the perfect crime". My story is about a local government worker who, embittered by his employer's refusal to offer him voluntary redundancy, takes over another man's identity.
WHYDUNIT? PERFECTLY CRIMINAL II edited by Martin Edwards (Severn House, 1997) ISBN: 0 7278 5237 X
Story title: "Nice people". Planning to move house a few years ago, it occurred to me that the risk of enduring one of life's worst horrors - that of finding yourself living alongside bad neighbours - could be lessened by employing a private eye to check out the locals before you buy your new home. I decided to do exactly that; but, being a writer, to do it in fiction rather than real life. This story is narrated by an ex-cop named Doggo who, along with "my vile partner Vincent," runs the Neighbourhood Watch Inquiry Agency, London.
PAST CRIMES, PERFECTLY CRIMINAL III edited by Martin Edwards (Severn House, 1998) ISBN: 0 7278 2232 2
Story title: "Not a minute on the day". This was my first attempt at a history-mystery - and also my first alternative history story. It's a murder investigation set in a parallel universe in which the British trades unions won the 1926 General Strike. I enjoyed researching it, and messing around with history; the alternative-history-mystery is an idea I'd like to have another go at some time.
MISSING PERSONS edited by Martin Edwards. (Constable, 1999)
ISBN: 0 094 79930 X
Story title: “Nowhere to be found”. For Martin’s fourth CWA antho, I wrote a story about a man who reluctantly gives a lift to an old friend who is leaving his wife. The old friend subsequently disappears, and the narrator takes it on himself to find out what became of him. Not one of my jollier pieces, but with an ending which is, I hope, moderately optimistic - if you happen to be in the right mood when you read it.
PHENOMENAL FUTURE STORIES edited by Tony Bradman (Corgi, 1999)
ISBN: 0 552 546232
Story title: “The monkey puzzle”. My first children’s story, a science-fiction courtroom drama about an ape who is claiming the right to be treated as a citizen, rather than as property, on the grounds that he is able to “talk” through sign language. This is a subject which has long interested me; in writing this story I used a file of press clippings which I began compiling well over a decade previously.
FOOTBALL FEVER 3 edited by Tony Bradman (Corgi 2000) ISBN: 0 552 546461
Story title: “Strikers”. Another children’s story, in which a school soccer team goes on strike when it is threatened with disbandment. I found my first attempts at writing for children hard work, but very satisfying; I hope I’ll get an opportunity to do more of it in future.
SCENES OF CRIME edited by Martin Edwards. (Constable 2000).
ISBN: 1 84119 221 X
Story title: “Nice place.”
Another CWA annual, for which I wrote a second story about Doggo and Vincent (see “Whydunit?” above).
CRAFTY CAT CRIMES edited by Stefan Dziemianowicz, Robert Weinberg and Martin H. Greenberg. (Barnes & Noble 2000). ISBN: 0 7607 1582 3
Story titles: “Under the circumstances.”
and “Where the cat came in.”
US hardbacks are beautiful objects - their paperbacks are best used for mopping up spilt coffee, but their hardbacks are almost always very well-made and designed, as well as being priced very low. Even by American standards, though, this book is pretty amazing value - 607 pages for eight dollars. “Under the circumstances” (lousy title, I know; it was all I could think of) is about a woman whose marriage is being ruined by her husband’s clingy ex-girlfriend, until she decides to do something about it. Stories for this kind of anthology can be quite hard work; they have very precise rules which must be followed, and you have to be careful not to end up writing a piece that’s too bland and conformist. One way I try to get round this is by lacing a fairly straightforward story with crunchy bits: subverted cliches, hidden puns, echoing references and so on (a trick only slightly undone in this edition by the fact that my italics didn‘t make it through the email!). Incidentally, if you were to count the words in this story, you’d find there are precisely 3,000. That was the upper limit for stories in the book, you see - and writers were paid by the word. I was very glad to find that the reprinted “Where the cat came in” (see “A treasury of cat mysteries,” above) is the last story in the book, as it gives the final word to a surpassingly saucy last line!
FELONIOUS FELINES edited by Carol and Ed Gorman. (Five Star 2000).
ISBN: 0 7862 2689 7.
Story title: “Tall man, large cat.” Yet another cat crimes anthology - and a first for me; the first time I’ve been picked out on the cover as part of the “including stories by ... ” list. Does that mean I’m famous now? It’s a little-known fact that some of the biggest names in British comedy earned money when they were students by acting as bodyguards in posh hotels, for visiting Arab royals and Hollywood stars; and that was the starting point for this little story.
THE WORLD’S FINEST MYSTERY AND CRIME STORIES: FIRST ANNUAL COLLECTION edited by Ed Gorman. (Forge 2000).
ISBN: 0 312 87480 4 (hardback) and 0 312 87479 0 (paperback)
Story title: “The shortest distance.” (see “Shots,” below). It’s always an honour to be included in one of these year’s best books, which contain not only short stories but also essays and lists covering the year in crime fiction.
MURDER THROUGH THE AGES edited by Maxim Jakubowski (Headline, 2000).
ISBN: 0 7427 7253 0. (Also in paperback: Headline 2001, ISBN: 0 7472 6617 4).
Story title: “But poor men pay for all.” Specially written for this anthology of historical murder mysteries, my story takes place in a pub in Somerset, where one of a group of soldiers returning from the Putney Debates is found dead. In 1647, for the first time in the modern era, a group of ordinary men, armed and organised, raised the standard for what we would now call parliamentary democracy. They demanded votes for all, the abolition of the monarchy, and religious freedom. It was one of the most significant moments in the history of the western world - which is probably why it does not feature largely on school curricula today. I have long been an amateur of labour history, and the English Revolution is one of the periods I find most interesting. Much of the dialogue in my story comes directly from the contemporary record of the Putney Debates which is available, in full, on the internet - type “Putney Debates” into a search engine, and you will find a wealth of information on this extraordinary and fascinating episode.
MASTER’S CHOICE VOLUME II edited by Lawrence Block. (Berkley, 2000).
ISBN: 0 425 17676 2.
Story title: “No night by myself.” (Reprinted from NO ALIBI; see above). This is an anthology in which leading crime writers were invited to select one of their own best stories, alongside a story by a “Master” that has inspired them. I am delighted and embarrassed in roughly equal measure that Ian Rankin, currently one of the genre’s most admired authors, chose me as his ... er ... “Master”. No, actually, on reflection - I’m definitely more delighted than embarrassed.
THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF LEGAL THRILLERS edited by Michael Hemmingson (Robinson, 2001). ISBN: 1 84119 266 X. Also published in the US at the same time by Carroll & Graf; ISBN: 0 7867 0865 4.
Story title: “Tomorrow’s villain.” (Reprinted from “Shots” magazine, see below). This is part of a series of thick paperback anthologies on different topics, featuring new stories and reprints. Excellent value - 39 stories, 560 pages, for £6-99 or $11-95.
MURDER MOST CELTIC edited by Martin H. Greenberg (Cumberland House, 2001). ISBN: 1 58182 161 1.
Story title: “So where’ve you buried the missus then, Paddy?” A few years ago, I tried to write a nostalgic story about the London pubs I knew in my late teens, and particularly about the Irish people I knew there. It didn’t really work; the piece was too light, and there wasn’t enough plot. When I was asked to contribute to this US anthology of murder stories featuring Irish characters, I took another look at my old story, re-worked it, beefed it up and extended it. The resulting tale is told by a young English barman who becomes involved in the mysterious disappearance of one of the regulars from the pub where he works - and with an even more mysterious Irish private eye.
Here are some of the magazines in which my stories have appeared:
HARDBOILED issue 18, June 1994. Story title: "The set-up man".
A researcher is hired by a north London villain known as "Alias the Fish" to find the person who's run over his granddaughter's dog. It's a short piece, with a pretty neat twist at the end. The character of Alias was loosely inspired by a real villain I'd known years before, when I was working as a barman. This was the first crime story I ever wrote, and it was written with Gary Lovisi's magazine specifically in mind. It's a fine little magazine, which has admirably flown the flag for hardboiled fiction during a period when the form seemed to be almost terminally unfashionable. Its address is Gryphon Publications, PO Box 28-209, Brooklyn, NY 11228-0209, USA.
AXIOM. Story title: "Allium sativum".
A slipstream story, about a man who is obsessed with garlic, I've really no idea where this idea came from - except that I am a bit obsessed with garlic: growing it, cooking with it, eating it and writing about it. This is, I think, the only story I've written which contains recipes. Yet, anyway.
Axiom's address is 4 Pen-y-cwm, Pentyrch, Cardiff CF4 8PS, S. Wales, UK.
BLUE MURDER MAGAZINE issue 5, December 1998.
Story title: "Button man".
I can't describe this short thriller without giving the plot away, so I'll only say that fellow writers will instantly recognise it as a typical "What if?" idea. David Firks's BMM site is, in my opinion, one of the most exciting places on the net - well worth bookmarking: www.bluemurder.com
BLUE MURDER MAGAZINE issue 7. Story title: “Follow me”.
- a twist story about stalkers.
BLUE MURDER MAGAZINE issue 13, June 2000.
Story title: “Great days, eh lads? Great days ... ”
A sequel to “The set-up man” (see Hardboiled, above), in which Alias hires the narrator to check out a face from the past who has suddenly reappeared on the manor. Not a hardboiled piece, in all honesty; more of a humorous story about nostalgia, with a bit of a twist at the end.
THE THIRD ALTERNATIVE issue 3, Summer 1994.
Story title: "Clean and bright". See the entry for Last rites and resurrections above.
THE THIRD ALTERNATIVE issue 7, Summer 1995.
Story title: "Do you know this man?". A brief, dark piece about a man who is dreadfully lacking in self-knowledge. If you're interested in slipstream literature, then TTA is probably the one magazine in the world that you really have to read. For details, see the entry above for Crimewave magazine.
THE THIRD ALTERNATIVE issue 20, Summer 1999.
Story title: “We have fed you all for a thousand years”. The title comes from an old Wobblies song, and this is an SF story about work, solidarity, and people who make their living from banging their heads against brick walls.
WHISPERING WILLOW MYSTERIES, Dagger edition, 1997.
Story title: "Corroboration". This is a very short, light-hearted police procedural with SF elements and a little twist at the end.
GOTHIC.NET. Story title: "Knee deep".
Another excellent e-zine, this one dealing with horror fiction in its broadest sense, which can be found at www.gothic.net. My story concerns a man who calls in a pest control officer to rid his ex-wife's house of an infestation of horses.
GOTHIC.NET. Story title: “I don’t need this right now”.
A satirical horror story about the modern view of guilt.
GOTHIC.NET April 2000. Story title: “Jilly’s fault”.
A group of young people share a flat in London in the 1970s; one of them - Jilly - seems to attract trouble, and the others decide they've had enough. A low-key horror story. I don't know where it came from, as I’ve never actually been in a flat share ... (This story received an Honourable Mention in Ellen Datlow’s annual list).
WORKS Story title: "There's no more".
I'm a lifelong fan of the British comedian, Tony Hancock. In this SF story, about "resurrecting" dead people from genetic material, The Lad Himself appears as a character. The ending is sadder than I would have wished, but perhaps that was inevitable given the subject matter.
SWISSAIR GAZETTE October 1998. Story title: “Talk to me”.
This is my best-paid short story sale yet, for Swissair’s in-flight magazine. It’s a humorous short-short, about a man who talks in his sleep, arousing the curiosity of a fellow passenger on a London to Edinburgh train. The story was accompanied by a very good, specially commissioned illustration by Josh Gosfield.
ELLERY QUEEN'S MYSTERY MAGAZINE June 1999.
Story title: “Here, fluffy!” My first sale to the world’s most famous mystery magazine (website: www.mysterypages.com) was inspired by a worrying month I spent a few years back when one of my cats went missing. We got her back eventually, but while she was gone I found myself wishing that I could call in a private eye who specialised in cat-finding. The result was Charlie, the protagonist of this story, who works as a professional cat-finder in the suburbs of north London.
ELLERY QUEEN'S MYSTERY MAGAZINE January 2000.
Story title: “Twelve of the little buggers”. A magazine humorist gets himself into an increasingly tangled mess, when he accepts a commission to write a Christmas piece about cats. It’s not a great plot, but I think it’s probably the funniest story I’ve ever written. Yet another cat story - though in fact, the first I ever wrote; it was commissioned for, but didn't appear in, a cat crime antho in 1994. (This story was nominated for the Edgar Award in 2001).
ELLERY QUEEN'S MYSTERY MAGAZINE November 2000.
Story title: “Three Nil.” A second outing for my cat-finder, Charlie (see EQMM June 1999, above). The title refers to the football match Charlie is watching on TV when an imperious American woman knocks on his door and orders him to “Follow me”. Despite telling us that he “stopped taking direct orders from women when I was fifteen, and again when I was thirty,” Charlie does, eventually, follow her; he hasn’t had a paying case in a month.
SHOTS Volume 2 Number 5, Spring 1999. Story title: “Tomorrow's villain”.
A rather dark piece - not many laughs here - about a father who comes to believe that the man jailed for murdering his daughter might have been wrongly convicted. For details of this well-established British crime fiction magazine (full of reviews and features as well as fiction), email the editor, Mike Stotter, at michael@mjstotter.demon.co.uk
SHOTS Volume 2, Number 6, Winter 1999. Story title: “The shortest distance”. This story appeared as part of a supplement celebrating Raymond Chandler - the author who is probably more responsible than any other for turning generations of readers and writers into crime fans. It’s an appropriately snappy piece about an ageing London PI hired by a dodgy businessman. Before writing it, I re-read many of Chandler’s short stores, and his famous essay on the genre, from which sources I nicked a pile of more-or-less well-known Chandlerisms, which appear - in punning form - in my story.
STORISENDE August 1999.
Story title: “Ich bin nicht betrunken, ich bin noch am Trinken”. My original title for this SF sex comedy was “I ain’t drunk, I’m just drinking,” which is from a blues song. It’s yet to be published in English, but I was very pleased to sell the German rights to this fine e-zine: www.storisende.com
STORISENDE December 1999. Story title: “Happs!”
- or, in English, “Munch munch”. Two lads watch the end of the world on TV. That’s about all I can say about that one, really.
INTERZONE May 2000. Story title: “We all saw it”.
This story took me years to write, on and off, but began with a simple enough thought: supposing you really did see a flying saucer, in company with a group of your friends - how could anything else in the rest of your life matter as much? I was delighted to sell this to Interzone (details at www.sfsite.com/interzone), easily the most prestigious SF magazine published outside the USA. I first submitted a story to IZ in 1990!
FEARSmag.com August 2000. Story title: “Now I know its name”.
A horror story, about a refugee living in a flat in a strange country, who is asked to share his lodgings with an orphaned cat. He agrees, though he’s puzzled by the whole business. However, once he discovers that the cat gets inside his TV and eats people, things begin to make more sense to him - and he is able to give the cat a name. (This story received an Honourable Mention in Ellen Datlow’s annual list).
ALFRED HITCHCOCK’S MYSTERY MAGAZINE June 2001.
Story title: “The dog’s route”. My first sale to AHMM (EQMM’s stablemate) is an attempt to write a quicker, sharper, less dense story, in the manner of some of the American writers I have long admired. It’s a private eye story, set in London, in which a very young PI is asked to follow a dog on its daily wanderings, to see where it gets to. The idea came (as do so many of mine) from a strange item on BBC Radio 4 about a peripatetic dog; for a long time, the owners of the animal knew nothing about its journeyings. The investigator is very young simply because the previous piece I’d been working on featured a very old protagonist, and I fancied a change.
BBC RADIO 4
Three of my stories have been broadcast in Radio 4’s “Short Story” slot, all of them produced in Bristol by Hilary Field. They are:
*22 February 1995: “The Hampstead vegetable heist” (see 3rd culprit, above). Read by Larry Lamb.
*9 July 1996: “Famous for one thing”. Read by Chris Harris. A mixture of crime, mainstream and quiet horror, written specially for Radio 4, this is about a teenage boy who is mugged at Bristol Temple Meads railway station. This single, brief event comes to dominate his life for years to come - though not necessarily in the way you might expect.
*4 September 1997: “Clean and bright”. Read by Chris Harris. (See Last rites and resurrections, above; this is an extended and partially rewritten version).
After a long break, I was delighted to have another story broadcast on Radio 4, on *6th March 2001: “One box of books”. Performed on stage at the Bath Literature Festival by John Telfer, and produced in Bristol by Sara Davies, the idea behind this odd little story (a kind of bibliophilic nightmare) is obvious from its opening lines: “Every time you move home, you lose one box full of books. This is an absolute rule: it applies to everyone, every time.” I particularly enjoyed hearing a live audience react to the reading - a rare pleasure for a short story writer.
When you're working with talented producers and actors (as I always have), having your work broadcast is enjoyable, educational, and excellent for boasting about. It’s a pity that the BBC seems less committed to this long-running and always popular slot these days - over the years, a great many well-known writers, in all media and genres, have had their early careers boosted by “Short Story”.
In 1995, Gollancz in London published my book CANNIBAL VICTIMS SPEAK OUT! AND OTHER ASTONISHING PRESS CUTTINGS (ISBN: 0575061634), a collection of bloopers, literals, double entendres and so on, which was illustrated in gloriously bad taste by the excellent cartoonist David Lyttleton. My original title for the book was SIC! - which the publisher thought was a bit too obscure. A little later, I started subscribing to an American magazine called VERBATIM, "The Language Quarterly," which runs similar snippets under the heading "SIC!SIC!SIC!". Verbatim closed down a while ago, but it's back now, under new management, and as good as ever. If you're at all interested in words, you'll find this scholarly, but non-academic, journal a fascinating and delightful read. I now write a regular column for it, called “Horribile Dictu,” concerning irritating English language usages.
Its web site is www.verbatimmag.com
For subscription details email editor@verbatimmag.com
This is not a complete list; there are things I've forgotten, I'm sure, and memories I have buried. Amongst my unpublished books - unwritten, indeed, in many cases - are “The Bumper Book of Not Terribly Funny Jokes”; “The Official Programme of the Ridiculous Sports Club”; “Marxism For Cats” and “How To Talk Bollocks”. Where I haven't given details of a magazine, it's because I don't know them, or suspect the ones I have might be out of date. I haven't yet got round to listing all my magazine stories, let alone my juvenilia, ephemera, defunct titles, shopping lists, begging letters, graffiti ... later, perhaps. For now, enough. Goodbye; good luck.