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Hellhound Shopping Club
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DearJah: Just thought I'd write to tell you that we at Thatcher-Queen Intergalactic
Press are terrifically pleased with the sales racked
up by your boffo new Space Opera, Log of the
Hellhound. In fact, our president, Ann Worthyone,
has given me and the other members of our marketing division the exciting job
of creating "spin-offs" of your product
in order to generate more sales and more revenue for both TQP and yourself! Here
are some advertafax for the Hellhound
based items we have in mind. I'm sure you will be impressed by their variety
and quality. You will find enclosed our standard contract.
Please read it, sign in all spaces marked with an "X" and return
all 63 pages to us at your earliest convenience. We are ready to start making
you really big credits! Sincerely, Del Bowker LONG BLACK LEATHER COAT -- You'll fry their synapses in this beautiful genuine vay-vay coat with crimson sateen lining. Goes
with any color of silk shirt. There's a secret pocket for diamonds or other
valuables! LEATHER JACKET WITH STUDS -- There's enough
fringe, studs, buckles and mirrors on this to satisfy the most demanding Tarrant "wannabe."
Never mind that the clanking noise this baby makes would have attracted all
the Feds within fifty spacials!
Slip it on… and smile! "REBEL POETS SHIRT" -- This loose and comfy item made of recycled syntha-linen
will identify you as a dissident with earthy and unpretentious tastes…a
person who trusts. Comes in two exciting colors: white and off-white. PATTERNED "DELTA" SHIRT -- In a
variety of exciting colors and prints for the man who wants to stand out in
the crowd. Choose black and magenta or orange and lavender, stripes,
"mod art" pattern, or jungle print. MUTOID TOGS -- The latest in new style! Black vinyl copies of ancient mutoid
fashion will make you "Karl" to your
lady's "Servalan." Choice of jacket, trousers, or pajama bottoms. Order all three and receive a free "mutoid" hat! Soon we will be expanding into women's fashions.
Be on the lockout for our line of "Sleer Chic" evening gowns and lingerie;
"Lady Steffany" career coordinates;
"Dayna Danger" sportswear; and
"Spacer Girl" clothes for the working crewwoman,
based on styles worn by Bev Hastings, Zara Miller, and Bo Brody. Hellhound T-shirts: These snappy slogans and awesome drawings, silk
screened on 100% Plasta-Cotton, will show the
universe which side you were on in the
revolution! LET ME BITE YOU AND WE SHALL SEE REBEL FODDER
(available with or without bullseye) Sizes: S. M, L, and XL NEW! HELLHOUND RELATED
BOOKS FROM TQ PRESS! The Hellhound Reader's Companion.
Confused by who's related to who? How many people are in Blake's group at any
given time? Who's really a bad guy. and who's faking it? Want to know how
long Lew Brody's hair is? How many pairs of
riding pants Avon had? What Blake's sister's name was? It's all here, with a
handy cross-referenced index, maps,
illustrations, and actual source documents, including Kerr Avon's intake file
for Omega Three (diagnosis: "acute paranoia").
Also lists all the strange little contradictions that somehow slipped into
the Books, and gives possible reasons for them…. "I forgot that I'd
already killed her, okay?" A treasure trove
of info for the fan! Inside the Federation by Rakhiel Travis. If you
want to know how the scum-sucking monsters in charge lived while the rest of
us were out there fighting for freedom, you won't want
to miss this one! Yes, it's been published before as a serious study, but for
this edition we've taken out all the boring parts about political theory, the author's remorse, and the statistics, to
leave only the naughty bits about Fed-sponsored
orgies and Servalan's bedroom technique! We've even added hot stills from
Hugh Heiner the 13th's
"movie version." Don't miss it! The Hellhound Cookbook. How can you read those mouthwatering
descriptions of food on the Hellhound without wanting to taste it for
yourself? Recipes for such delicacies as Raldeeni
Glitchog Stew, Bev's
Oatmeal Bread, Vila's Delta Delite Frosted Brownies, and Dafydd's Steak Tartar fill this unique volume with
tasty treats. Serve 'em up for a friend! And
don't overlook (hic!) the recipe for Cally's Original Organic Soma and Adrenaline. Emergency Space Medicine by Fen Payne and Paul Vittare. When you're light-years from home and cut
your finger to the bone while making Glitchog Stew (see above), you
need advice fast! This handy volume, by two
experienced Space Docs, will give you the help
you need to set broken bones, care for blast burns, and deal with emergency
amputations. Special chapter on "Going Nuts in Space" by the famous
Dr. Steffany White, author of How to Date the
Raving Nutbar of Your Choice. Wimpv Women. Crazy Men.
and I'm Okay: You're a Mary Sue. How To Pick Up Spacer Girls by Lew Brody and Rakhiel
Travis. Tried and true tricks of the trade by two well-known experts in the
field. Describes how to select a likely young lady, what scintillating lines
to use (e.g. "didn't I see you last year at the space yacht races on
Alpha Centauri?") and when it's a lost
cause…when she drills you with a gas pump gun. Includes chapter on safe space
sex, just to give it some small amount of propriety! Computer Design in Your Spare Time by Max Wingo. We include
this book only for the snob appeal…no one we've ever sold it to has been able
to complete any of these "projects," such as "Build Your Own Orac Mark IV." But leaving it out on the coffee
table will impress the hell out of your friends. Art of the Hellhound edited by Leah Rosenthrill.
A lavish, coffee table book containing all of the most famous renditions of Hellhound
characters, including the incomparable series by Picasso. And the centerfold is—gasp!—you
guessed it, the famous Rathberg nudie. Don't miss the chapter where Hellhound
artist K. Larkin
gives her advice on how to trace from J. C. Penney's catalogs, how to draw so awful that nobody
looks like who they're supposed to be, and how to give seated figures two
right legs.
COMING OUT SOON! HELLHOUND: The Next Generation
by Jahove Restal. Yes, for all you fans who can't
get enough, here's the next twenty book long saga that takes the Hellhound
characters into the next century. What will
become of the rivalry between the Avon Brothers? Will the beautiful Deena Tarrant find true love? Can they keep the Mellanbys "down on the farm?" Can Blood Hakharrian succeed as the Fleet Captain of Avon-Serada, and find out his true parentage? Does
Blake have any children, or was he too careful for his own good (and our
reading pleasure)? And what rotten, no-good and
nasty things does Jude have up his sleeve? You'll
have to read the books! Songs from the Log of the Hellhound A high quality microdisk
of all the famous and wonderful Hellhound songs; many by the original
artists! (Because they're all dead and when Star One was destroyed all
the records of their descendants were wiped out so we don't have to pay
anybody any royalties!) Other selections are sung by descendants of the
people you met in the Log, such as Tina
Mellanbv-Hendricks; Eddie Travis and the Space Cruisers; Milli Vila; Duke, Dude, Dwayne,
and Durango; Tarrant and the Green Planet Boys;
The Un-Human League; and Blasters ‘N’ Roses. Songs Not from the Log of the Hellhound Ever wondered why all those Hellhound
songs were so grim? This collection is of songs that were sung by the Hellhound
crew (according to the original logs and their memoirs) but were not "meaningful" enough for Jahove Restal to stick underneath the title of a story, or even try to foist off in a
"concert." If you're sick of "Just a Shadow." why don't
you give a listen to: "Red, Red Wine" And, to show our fairness, we’re including that
favorite of Federation officers everywhere: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Other exciting products in the research and
development phase: Hellhound:
The Game Hellhound
party kit (Black and red napkins, paper plates, streamers, noisemakers, confetti, invitations with illustration
of the business end of a blaster, and instructions on how to play "Spin
the DCB bottle." Naroo 16,
1340.94 Dear Del: Take this contract and shove it! Sincerely, Jahove K. Restal |
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