people were here before you.

Harleys, Bikes Generally, Sarcasm, Ranting, Silliness, and Photos too.

If any text on these pages appears garbled, unreadable or just plain missing, hit the reload button and all should be well. Ish. Hopefully.

Have you ever... done this...or that? Bet you answer yes to at least one of these questions dealing with the embarrassing and daft moments you might experience on the road.

The Sin Bin of Shame This is where I spit the dummy and jump right out of my pram on those biking topics that annoy/upset/or make me more angry than Angry Angus McAngry, the famously angry Scotsman. My nominations for World's worst bike, Ugliest bikes, plus....Howling Mess, Harley Davidson......and more. New additions are a certain aspect of life in France, the Suzuki Hayabusa, and the Harley press have come under my jaundiced eye too.

Motorcycle Madness. All of us have stories about biking to tell. These are a few of my favourite reminiscences, and some of the daft people I came across as a one time dealer employee.

The 'Biking Bookshelf'. Not the usual coffee table books, these are some of the more obscure ones at large, most dealing with the sex, violence and mayhem we bikers apparently get up to. Bet you never knew that being a biker was so exciting. It's all here.

The story of our first big trip on the Harley to Switzerland. If you like big stories, big paragraphs, and reading about someone elses adventures in foreign lands, then read on. Now with crappy photos! 

Why I  Like Harleys A few of the many reasons. Hope you've got a flannel filter loaded.

Picture Page  A handful of crappy black and white photos from the archives. A trio of tough street Shovels, A trumpet chop and me amongst others. More to come soon.

The ever expanding links page Mostly bikes but...the Spice Girls? Surely not......

New!! The Odd Bits page. Nothing much to do with bikes, just some of the dafter things that life has to offer. Incredibly dangerous household objects, strange causes of death, bizarre phobias and more. Also, photographic evidence of a really bad day in the life of a speed cop. It's all true too.

And now I've finally put some of my Favourite Sayings through the keyboard. Not specifically to do with bikes, these are just some of the humorous ways of describing people/things that I've come across.

Gossip, my bikes, who I am, and some useless hints and tips can be found below. (And if you'd like to sign my guestbook, I'd appreciate it. It's at the bottom of this page.)

Gossip Dept.

Bad news dept.  I am in the middle of trying to set up my own business and things are hectic to say the least, so I'm afraid this site is going to have to go on hold for the time being, so no updates for a while. Also, if you've e-mailed me, or signed my guestbook recently, and haven't had a reply yet, I will get around to it soon, with a bit of luck! In the meantime, feel free to e-mail me or sign my guestbook, just don't expect an immediate reply. Hopefully I will be able to allocate more time to my site soon, but until then, have a look at what's here and safe riding.

Oh, and that means you'll have to wait for my views on the latest watercooled bike from Harley. Have you seen this....er... thing yet? You're either gonna love it or hate it I can tell you.

One bit of disturbing news I came across while perusing the Harley Riders Club of GB site is that a couple of 2001 model Dynas have showed up with a clamp on the fuel line misplaced from the factory. One of these bikes was in fact spewing fuel all over the engine, which could've been nasty. The clamp in question is where the fuel line goes into the carb, and it appears that the clamp is not secured over the barb properly, allowing the clamp to pull off and the fuel line to work loose. Nice. So, if you've got a recent Dyna, or any carbed model for that matter, it may be worth checking your clamps, external combustion engines are not a good idea. I daresay however that H-D dealers are aware of the problem and will be checking all new, used, and customer bikes from now on, whether a recall will be issued is another matter however.

Another bit of news I heard was that Titan Motorcycles have gone down the pan, which is a shame, though hardly surprising I suppose given the high price of the bikes and the limited market for them. Maybe they should've produced a couple of more practical models than the full on customs that were their main line of business, you know, sensible daily riders equipped with the big inch S&S engines but fitted with 'normal' wheels, paint, and accessories instead of all the big buck stuff. Maybe then they would've been a more viable alternative to the Milwaukee Marvel, and poached a hatful of sales from them too. The big money billet barge customs may attract crowds at shows, and feature heavily in the magazines these days, but most bikers do actually ride their bikes, and therefore want something practical and comfortable, maybe the Titans were just a little too extreme from the outset. It's still a shame that they're gone mind, bit of variety in the marketplace and all that.

Not a lot happening bike wise for me at the moment, not had much time spare to give the old war horse a good blat. In fact, we have just returned from a two week cruise around the Canaries and West Africa, and jolly good it all was too. Much loafing in the sun interspersed with bouts of consuming vast quantities of food makes a good way to forget about work, daily life and all that goes with it. But it wasn't an entirely bike free holiday for me, as I took along a good supply of magazines and also a book to read, 'Good Vibrations' by Tom Cunliffe. This is the tale of Cunliffe and his wife travelling across America on his UK registered Heritage and a locally bought Sporty for her. They started in Baltimore and took a mid-Northern route across to San Francisco taking in Sturgis along the way. They then headed back to Baltimore via Death Valley and New Orleans, so all in all, they had a good run round, dodging storms and muggers and taking in the sights and people along the way. All in all a good enough read, and it certainly got me itching to get off the darned boat and get out on the bike on some fiendishly long trip or other. Good stuff then, and published by Summersdale Travel. I bought this book at a local bookshop before we left as my intended holiday reading had failed to arrive. Yup, for once, Amazon have let me down. I placed an order for Yves Lavignes newest tome 'Hells Angels at War' but Amazon are still waiting for it to become available apparently. Still, never mind, I'm sure I'll get it in the end. I've had to wait for a book before mind, in the case of Dave Barrs excellent Riding  the Edge, a whole year! The motorbooks shop I ordered it from took that long to get hold of a copy, and all I can say is it was worth the wait, even if I did move house twice in the meantime!

Some....er.... Quotes.

"Rules are for the guidance of wise men, and the obedience of fools." - Francis Bacon.

"Everybody has the right to be stupid, it's just that some people abuse the privilege" - Unknown.

"A clear conscience is merely the sign of a short memory." - Steven Wright.

" Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching" - From Randolph in Malaysia, a fellow FXRS pilot. To which I will add a 'No Fear' slogan - "Ride it like you stole it."

General Stuff.

I have been into bikes since first seeing Speedway as a kid in 1972 and cannot imagine a life without a bike of some sort, even if it were in a box. What follows is not just Harley stuff. I had wanted one since way back, but had to wait until 1994 to achieve my goal, but I did have some great times on my other bikes which I've listed below. What ever bike you ride, take pride in it and enjoy it (as long as you ride the thing), before the Politicians kick us off the roads. I hope none of what follows is too dreadful, feel free to e-mail me with comments, insults etc!

Boring personal stuff: Married, living in Truro, Cornwall. (That's the far South West tip of England for those who don't know.) Biking continuously since 1979. So don't call me a bleedin' Born Again!!!

Member of: Harley Riders Club of Gt. Britain, M.A.G. and B.M.F.

I am also a member of the "I don't care how much your bike cost" club.

Current Bike:

1991 FXRS Convertible, purchased, after years of 'making do' with other bikes, in 1994. Fitted with Qwiksilver II carb, Supertrapp 2-1 pipe, (16 discs gives 'neighbour friendly' warm ups but an addictive bark when you boot it), Accel Megafire module, Super coil and plug leads, Goodridge stainless brake hoses, Russel front discs and Koni shocks.These mods have made the bike much more like a Harley should be and the carb is recommended for economy reasons as well as performance. Now it only sniffs petrol and has a stonking mid range! The more I ride it, the more I want to ride it.

Intended Mods? Maybe replace the Buckhorns with a pair of lowish apes and possibly a paint job. (Nothing flash mind). Otherwise, it's pretty much sorted for my tastes and needs.

Future Bikes? Not a lot around that I fancy these days but should my lottery numbers come up then the Convertible would share garage space with a 1200 Sportster Sport (tweaked of course) for general hooliganism and an Electra Glide Standard treated to a big inch engine for the inevitable Continental tour. Why the latter bike is generally over looked is beyond me, it's a bargain as it is (I believe) the second cheapest big twin, and an ideal daily rider.

Previous Bikes:

'79 Z200 (The bike I learnt to ride on, a great little bike you seldom see these days, probably all blown up long ago).

'79CX500 great machine sadly missed after 60,000 miles of fun, but uglier than a very ugly thing at an ugly contest.

'79R100RT (superb weather protection, great luggage, gutless engine!)

'76 Triumph Tiger TR7 750. Top up with petrol, fill up with oil, and replace missing silencers, float bowl, tank mountings, passengers, etc. This bike definitely suffered from severe automotive leprosy, however a Norman Hyde top end and rebore sorted the oil consumption. Heavy diet of throwing away battery, silencers, indicators, and side panels/air filters made it a lot lighter, a real flying machine! If you strip 'em down there's nothing left to fall off/split/crack/catch fire.

'80 GSX400/4 rat (really rather nasty)

'88 FJ1200 (fast, reliable, plastic mile muncher but ultimately characterless and boring). Pictures here. Beats me how I kept it so long!

Countries visited by bike: France, Germany, Austria, Spain, Switzerland, Belgium, Andorra and Luxembourg.

Places I've been and missed my bike: Malta, Bangkok, Australia, Hawaii and Florida.

Favourite bike Magazines: Heavy Duty (Now sadly gone), Iron Horse, SuperTwins and Bike.

Favourite films: American Graffiti, Mad Max 1&2, Midnight Run, The Blues Brothers.

Favourite books: Jupiters Travels (if you've ever wondered where Ted Simon's bike is, it's in the Museum of British Road Transport in Coventry), Riding the Edge by Dave Barr, Clarkson On Cars (even if you're not into cars his opinions, criticisms etc are very entertaining),and Bill Bryson's Lost Continent, Neither Here Nor There and Notes from a Small Island.(very funny observations of every day life, people and places). For other good biking reading, see my book page.

Favourite pastimes:

Standing around generally despising folk and being sarcastic!

Hanging about at Boxhill (Great, long time biker hangout in England.)

Talking bikes (endlessly)

Favourite Quotes:

'I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move'.- From Robert Louis Stevenson's 'Travels with a Donkey'.

'Stupid People Shouldn't Breed'-From my caring, goodself.

'What a strange way to hand your notice in' - my boss when things.... go a bit wrong at work.

Likes:

Bikes (any and all).

Speedway (no namby pamby prima donnas here, just good, old fashioned, bone crunching, hard riding bike sport)

Cornwall (A place where posessions don't count for much, the people are honest and friendly, and the roads are stupendous!)

Mountains (these are for riding around in and looking at, not for skiing down!)

Smoking (especially when non smokers pretend to have a cough).

Watching the fights on the Jerry Springer Show. Never mind impeaching Bill Clinton, get 'im on the Springer show, that'll sort him out!

Dislikes: See my Sin Bin page for the full list!

Harley riders who can only talk about how much they've spent on tacky "live to ride" rubbish and see their bike purely as a platform to show off their wealth and (bad) taste. Bad Ass attitude bikers who dare not smile in case it ruins their image and other bikers, who, assuming that all Harley riders have an attitude problem, go out of their way to ignore you.

Political Correctness

Bad Driving and those 'Baby on Board', 'Max Power' and 'My Other Car is a Porsche' stickers

The Spice Girls, Weirdy Beardy Modern Parents, Stupid Parents, Religious Zealots and other zealots including Vegetarians, Ramblers etc. Did I mention the Spice Girls Yet? - Check out my links page for a Spice Girls web site well worth looking at!

Those notices on Horse boxes that proclaim "Horses". Yeah, so?

Those 'How's My Driving? Dial blah de blah' stickers on the back of trucks, coaches, vans etc. I am currently painting 'How's My Driving? Dial 1-800-KISS MY ASS' on the rear of my bike.

Useless hints and tips:

To keep the wrinkle black engine on a Harley looking good, slap on some Armorall with a brush and leave overnight. This is also great on original brake hoses, calipers, cables and switch units. Alternatively, don't ride in the rain.

Silkolene Pro Prep also does a good job (dirt just doesn't stick to it) but is only available in aerosol form.

If your battery is difficult to lift out, (like on FXR's), stick a plastic cable tie round it next time it's out, and you then have a nifty handle to grab hold off instead of trying to grip it with your finger tips.

Now this is a simple one, but it's surprising how many people I know that have fallen into this trap. Before you undo any drain bolt, such as gearbox or primary, undo the filler cap/screws/bolts first. One chap I know drained his primary, then rounded off one of the Allen bolts holding his derby cover on. Result? He couldn't refill it, so the bike was immobile until he could fix it. Mind you, I'd have probably done the same thing if this chap hadn't related his tale of woe to me before I even got a Harley.

Check your disc rotors! I took my bike into R.M.D. for a service at 15,000 miles,and they found both front discs had cracks in them. Apparently this is not uncommon with recent Harleys. I nominate myself for a suspended sentence in the Sin Bin of Shame for not spotting this problem.

Pledge furniture polish produces a great, deep shine and stays waxy longer than many specialist polishes/waxes. Also easy to carry on the bike. Find it under the sink! (It does contain silicones though, which makes a respray tricky for some reason.)

To remove the fan on a CX500 you do not need a special puller as the manuals state, take the front wheel spindle out and screw it into the threaded hole in the fan, then give the spindle head some well aimed violence with a hammer.

Here's one I've just pinched from the Harley Riders Club site. If you are struggling to get your overtrousers on over your boots, put plastic bags over your boots first. No more freestyle monohopping by the roadside. You can put plastic bags inside your boots too, if they leak, but your feet will sweat loads too as I once found out.

Marigold now do rubber gloves in black!! These things are the only gloves I've found to be 100% waterproof, and cost less than a packet of Marlboro. Great in summer (that's when the rain is warm), so why spend 3 days waiting for your leather gloves to dry out? Also nice if you fill 'em with Swarfega before putting them on, but I'm not discussing my bedroom habits here!

And now a very handy tip sent to me by MJ Smith: If it starts raining, or is already raining and your gloves leak, pinch a pair of the disposable plastic gloves found at the diesel pumps at petrol stations. Helps keep your hands dry, stops your gloves staining your hands and makes your gloves easier to pull off when wet. Hands up all those who've had gloves turn inside out on a wet day? Now you know what to do.

Talking of Swarfega, if you don't know about using sugar with Swarfega to really get your hands clean, then you must have a Honda.

Good biker campsite: Roundhill near Brockenhurst in Hampshire (Forestry Commission). The only site with a bikers only field in the New Forest.

Any contributions for the hints and tips section always gratefully received!

Miscellaneous

Thinking of going to Cornwall? Well, things are a little different down here, particularly some of the common words/phrases. Want to know why, or when, your bike could be described as 'scat up'? or how it could be described as 'smeechin'? You'd better go look for 'e self my ansum, tis all on Wife's pages, properjob she done of it too.'

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These pages were created using a cheapo hand held scanner and a vast wealth of inexperience and ignorance for that low tech, crappy, home made, feel. Thanks are therefore due to AOL and AOL Press, for making all this very simple, and to my wife for the coffee, assistance and for learning to duck at...um...critical moments! I am also available to write Oscar acceptance speeches at a very reasonable rate....