By The Way, Have you.....

Ever... spent 15 minutes figuring out why your bike won't start, and found the kill switch at 'off'?

Ever... run onto reserve half way through overtaking a truck?

Ever... ridden 10 miles in the fog at 15mph, only to find your visor was misted up?

Ever... tried to ride off with a padlock on your front wheel?

Ever... put on your best macho pose when riding past a bus queue, and had a side panel/exhaust/passenger fall off?

Ever... waited for a bus to come before retrieving it?

Ever... been hit on the forehead by a 70 mph bumble bee?

Ever... been hit in the face by a 70 mph bat?

Ever... been amazed at how much green and yellow gloop there is in a bumble bee?

Ever... changed down instead of up while showing off to your mates?

Ever... ridden round the block with the petrol off  to starve your Triumph of fuel when it wouldn't turn off?

Ever... think of stalling it instead? (one for a mate of mine there....)

Ever... turn off the ignition, then the kill switch, then pulled off the plug leads, and still had the engine running? ( an overheating Neval 125 with a bad case of carbon build up)

Ever... bought a sidecar outfit and smacked the chair into a petrol pump the first time you got petrol?

Ever... waved to a fellow biker at 100+ and dislocated your shoulder?

Ever... waved to a fellow 'Harley' rider, only to discover it was a librarian on an Intruder?

Ever... had to wear your sunglasses indoors for a week, after that long hot ride left you with a suntan like Al Jolson?

Ever... been stopped for drunk driving and told the police "Thank God for that, I thought the steering had gone"?

Ever... screamed with pain as your hands and knees thaw out after a cold ride?

Ever... remembered you haven't bungeed your tent down just as you see it fly off in your mirrors?

Ever... dashed to the toilet and felt the relief of making it just in time?

Ever... then discovered that your frozen hand is actually holding your front shirt tail and you are lubricating your leg?

Ever... swapped bikes with your best mate and crashed his new pride and joy?

Ever... been so cold you couldn't get off your bike?

Ever... had the drive chain of the bike you are following come off and fly past your head?

Ever... wondered why your 'Fat Bob' tank didn't hold much petrol, then been told you have to fill up both sides? (A big hello to a certain HOG member...)

Ever... undone the drain bolt on a Jap bike and not had a gallon of hot oil up your sleeve?

Ever... had your throttle stick wide open?

Ever... crashed into the side of a car, gone over the bars, and performed three somersaults before wrapping yourself round a bus stop, and had a passer by ask if you are alright?

Ever... tried to slug a passer by with a broken arm?

Ever... wake up face down halfway through your front door after coming home from a party, and found your bike parked neatly at the kerbside with it's fuel and ignition off?

Ever... wondered how in the hell you managed that?

Ever... given the finger to a jesticulating car driver then realised your right pannier/trouser leg is on fire?

Ever... got off your bike to greet your date on a cold night,with the contents of your nose splattered all over your face?

Ever... seen a patch holder smile?

Ever... found a car driver grappling with your bike, so he can make room to park his car?

Ever... helped him when you've seen the size of his buddies waiting in the car?

Ever... puked while wearing a full face lid?

Ever... got back to your tent drunk at a rally, and woken up to find you are in fact in someone elses tent?

Ever... taken your new date out for a ride and not told her that her jeans are covered in chain lube?

Ever... wonder why she never returned your calls?

Ever... run over a cat and had it get well and truly jammed under your front mudguard?

Ever... left home without your waterproofs and not had it rain? (Californians need not answer that one)

Ever...been refused entry to a Harley dealer because you don't meet their dress code?

Ever...walked into a 'biker' bar and after half an hour noticed there are no females present and the only bike outside is yours?

Ever...explained to a bus queue that you are a stunt man on your day off, after sliding off in front of them?

Ever... rushed home early to catch your appearance on 'True Stories of the Highway Patrol'?

Ever... gone to the bathroom after dinner at your dates parents, and discovered your face/beard is covered in dead flies?

Ever... had your girlfriend catch her foot on your seat as she is getting off, and fall flat on her face in a crowded petrol station?

Ever... married a girl who made a complete spectacle of herself in a petrol station?

I did!

Ever... not dropped a spanner/drain bolt/contact lense in the oil drain can?

Ever... had a spin on oil filter that doesn't need the strength of Popeye on steroids to undo?

Ever... refilled your bike with fresh oil, and then realised you haven't replaced the drain plug?

Ever... bought spares for your GoldWing at a Tupperware party?

Ever... had your bike stolen, then had it returned a few days later in better condition than when you last saw it?

Ever... spent fifteen miles straining to identify an odd rattle, only to discover it was a press stud on your jacket flapping in the breeze?

Ever... decided to do your own servicing to save money, then paid the shop four hours labour to put right your mistakes?

Ever... been pulled for speeding and explained to the policeman that you couldn't have been going that fast as you were only on the first lap, and your tyres weren't warmed up yet?

Ever... had a car driver make a statement to the police that read " I didn't see the motorcyclist approaching as I pulled out, but he was speeding. I know this because I saw him approaching very fast as I pulled out." (Yup, that one is true...)

Ever... come out of a race meeting and spent three hours trying to find your bike amongst 1500 other bikes identical to yours? (one for the race rep brigade)

Ever...wondered how those two grinning idiots on 'Chips' always managed to corner upright?

Ever... thought that road rage should become an Olympic sport?

Ever... wonder why bikers in the movies never suffer from helmet hair?

Ever... wonder how 'Reno Raines' in Renegade never suffers from 'no - helmet' hair?

Ever... filled your fork legs with oil and pumped them down to see what they feel like?

Ever... wished you'd refitted the top nuts first?

Ever... gone more than twenty miles on your Triumph twin and not had some crucial component fall off or catch fire?

Ever... been on first name terms with the storemen at your local tyre depot? (another one for the race rep riders)

Ever... snapped the padlock shut on your front wheel just as you realise the key is hanging on a hook in your kitchen?

Ever...ridden home from the pub because you were too drunk to walk?

Ever... had your bike condemned by the Govt. as 'enviromentally unsafe'?

Ever... had to sit next to the looney on the bus, and found yourself agreeing with his theories?

Ever... got sunburn on your butt cleavage after your quick pre ride check took just a little longer than you expected?

Ever... believed a mechanic when he's told you "Oh they all do that mate, perfectly alright"?

Ever... believed a storeman when he's told you "Your parts will be here tomorrow, I dealt with your order personally"?

Ever... believed a sprayer who told you "Yeah, no sweat mate, two weeks tops"?

Ever... believed a buddy when he told you " I only need your power tools for an hour and I'll bring 'em right back"?

Ever... thought "I can save it...." just as the back wheel overtakes the front at 60mph?

Ever... received a holiday postcard from your local parts dept and thought it might be about time you invested in a more reliable bike?

Ever... thought "I'll just give that nut/bolt another half a turn for luck"?

Ever... regretted it?

Ever... been scared to go home after blowing this years holiday money on that 'must have' chrome widget?

Ever... pulled up at a red light and heard the scream of tyres skidding behind you?

Ever... heard, and felt, a fly doing 12,000 revs inside your ear while wearing a helmet?

Ever... meticulously rebuilt your engine then found your new base gasket on your bench?

Ever... understood a wiring diagram?

Ever... forgotten to pick your sidestand up?

Ever... forgotten to put it down?

Ever... found out that adrenalin is warm, runny, and smells.....kinda familiar?

Ever... wonder why wrong numbers are never engaged?

Ever... park your bike in the sun and come back to find the plastic melted? (Race reps again?)

Ever... been thrown out of a Harley dealer for laughing at the price tags?

Ever... buy a t-shirt that wasn't black?

Ever... angle your slash cut pipes upwards and say to your Mother in Law "Hey, you still want to go for a ride? I know a real long route you'll just love"? (Hint: think carbon monoxide).

Ever... get first prize in a River Dance competition when you got your boot lace caught in your gearchange linkage?

Ever... puke over your bike and then won 'Best 3D Paint' at a rally?

Ever... wonder why strawberries taste as good coming up as they did when they went down?

Ever... wondered how they get the non-stick stuff to stick to a frying pan?

Ever... met the owner of an elderly Guzzi who doesn't start it with a screwdriver and a shower of sparks?

Ever... had your kid take the mangled remains of your gearbox to school for 'Show and Tell'?

Ever... had your whole life flash before your eyes and thought, "Hang on, don't remember that bit"?

Ever... had your whole life flash before your eyes, and just as it reaches your last maintenance session, found yourself shouting "Tighten the caliper bleed nipple yah bum, ferrchrissakes tighten the bleeee....awwwshhhhiii...."?

Ever... looked at the prices in a billet catalogue and thought "Now that's what I call value for money"?

Ever... wondered what it'd be like if Lucas made computers?

Ever... wondered when the Japs are going to produce 'out of the box' rat bikes?

Ever... realised that Jawa/CZ already do?

Ever... wonder what biking would be like if riders rights groups weren't around?

Ever... wonder what it's going to be like in ten years time?

Ever... got rip roaring drunk, torn your leg off when you crashed your Harley, then thought "Those no good mongrels should've fitted crash bars to this bike, I'm gonna sue 'em for a million bucks"?

Ever... dream of meeting the guy that did in a dark alley?

Ever... wondered what would've happened if Messrs Harley and Davidson had been called something else instead....like Marks and Spencer or Shagnasty and Thrung?

Ever... thought to yourself "What the hell am I doing reading this cobblers"?

Well, I've run out of ideas on this, so now we have a....

Contributions Dept,

C'mon, what have you or your mates done that is highly embarrassing? Or if you can come up with some made up, but funny contributions, lets give them an airing. Be assured, I won't publish your full name/title/job title/ house number and street name etc, so you can safely deny it all!

The latest contribution is from Steve with

Ever ... been riding in a pack of 40 or so bikes and see a helmet bounce

in the air about 5 rows up?

Ever... searched the side of a road for an oil

filler plug while the owner falls asleep waiting - in the middle of the

night? And then found a chunk of wood and stuck it in the hole?

Ever... Flipped off a driver only to discover that your pack was on fire - then have a

cop stop and ask you for your driver's license while you are trying to

put out the fire? And then ask if you have a prescription for the pills

falling out of the burning pack?

Ever... watched your Brother's long white

"Snoopy" scarf get caught in his rear chain just a split second before

he drops the hammer at a stop light?

Ever... watched in fascination as the

driver who just pulled into your lane of the road stops and kills his

engine? Then watched your bike go sideways into the ditch? And had the

lovely pleasure of ending up with his throat in your hands as you slam

into the side of his car (Told him to stay right where he was -

I had some things to say)?

Ever...watched someone else's sissy bar break, with

female on the back, just as he did the best wheelie I ever saw!

Ever... done a wheelstand past a doorway on a sidewalk and discovered the police

were just coming out the door?

Ever... ate so much LSD that your bike melted as you tried to start it? I

finally got it running and headed for the club house. I ended up at a

stoplight but there were so many trails from tail lights/headlights/

street lights I couldn't tell if the light was green or red - I casually

(to me) looked over at the car next to me to see if they were going to

go or not - it was two hippies looking at me to see if I could tell what

was what - Oh Shit - Put it in gear and didn't stop or look till I got

home. That was the night I forgot to put the kickstand and my foot down.

I did manage to hold the clutch in though (foot clutch and suicide

shift).

From Mad Rufus here in the UK we have

Ever... Quickly hopped off your bike and kicked your pillion passenger in the head while she's trying to put the rear peg up, (so that you don't bash your shins on it)?

Howabout these  from David Ligon.

Ever... permanently installed the quick overnight battery charger to keep from

fixing the charging system on an bike?

Ever... thought you lost that new nylon duffle bag that was strapped to the back

of your bike, driving up and down the highway to find it, only to

discover it melted to your hot exhaust upon arrival?

Ever... had to stretch up over the windshield in a blizzard to see the road

because there's 1/2 inch of snow on the windshield, and you're still

1000 miles from home? Of course, you rationalized that it was O.K.

because all the cars have pulled off the road.

Ever... been glad you didn't try to keep up with your buddy when you find him

and his bike horizontal along side the road on an outside sweeper?

Ever... been testing out that new VFR at 180K/H in the rain and get angry at the

stupid cars up ahead when you see the brake lights coming up fast?

Ever... break at least four belts trying to pull that dirt bike out of the mud.

Ever...left for a glorious ride in 80 degrees F sunshine, only to wake up two

days later to a blustery 0 degrees F morning, with no relevant clothing?

Ever... went home with a bruise on your chest from an unidentified flying

object?

Ever... stopped dating a lady because she was so whiney about your lean angles?

Yup, this is what we like, and here are some more from Myles Bryant.

Ever... Down shifted to first at a red light, decided to light up and shifted to neutral, let go of the clutch , only to find your self all over the bike ahead of you!

Ever... Stopped for gas, 30 mi. later your bike is running bad, then quits running. You tow it to the shop and find out you filled up with diesel!

Ever... had a friend who had a plastic bag stick to his visor whilst exiting the freeway?

I am indebted to Samantha from Australia for the following contributions, which have an ominously truthful ring about them! (Sam also sent in her personal nomination for inclusion in the Sin Bin, follow the link at the bottom of this page.)

Ever... made a panicked phone call to the workshop because your bike

is running like a total pig just one minute out of home, and then had them

tell you patiently (and correctly) that if you turn the choke off, the

problem will go away?

Ever... had to seek the help of the local constabulary to remove an

exceptionally large, scary looking huntsman spider from your bike?

Ever... shouted at them because they refused to shoot it?

Ever... got so drunk at a rally that you woke up snogging a Z-Owner?

Ever... parked your bike outside your boss's office (inside, say, on

the 5th floor) just to see the look on his face?

Ever... taken revenge on an ex by putting a double handful of

rotting meat under a solo seat ducktail cowling?

Ever... tried to avoid and evade a cop car - only to find out it was

just your husband chasing you with the lunch that you left at home?

Thanks again Sam, and to make you feel a little better, here's a true confession of mine that I'd forgotten all about until your mention of the choke. I once pushed my Z200 nearly two miles thinking I'd run out of petrol, when a fellow biker stopped to help. I told him I was out of fuel whereupon he reached down, turned my fuel tap to.....yes, ok, RESERVE, and started her up! Now how embarrassing is that? Mind you, I had only been riding a couple of weeks, and it was dark, and.......

Moving swiftly on, more contributions!

Ever... noticed after 20 miles that you' re riding your friend's bike?

(after a bloody big festival) - From 'HotRoadRossi'

Ever... spent hours charging the battery on a dressed out Goldwing, took it for a ride and when it died, tried and tried to start it killing the battery again, only to remember you forgot to turn the gas on? and had to push it all the way back ? - From Dave.

EVER... Heard the familiar noise...clink, clink, clink, of something

falling off a hardtail bike and said to yourself, ah, just another loose

bolt in the wind......THEN...... tried to downshift off the freeway only

to find out your whole shifter linkage is 50 miles back up the

highway......... -  From Greg.

Sounds like a similar experience I had on my old Triumph, only in my case it was the kickstart lever that went missing 50 miles from home. Not as bad as losing your gear linkage though!

Ever... Done your best full throttle pose manoeuvre to impress the chick in the back of a cab, only to find the 'chick' in question was your mother? - From Geoff in Australia.

Ever... Forgotten to hang on when your man does a wheelie? and...

Ever... shagged a Harley rider, and not heard him bragging to his mates afterwards?

- Both from Wildthing.

Ever... Pull up to a busy Harley shop, stop, have your foot slip in a pool of

oil and bust your ass?

Ever... Look up only to see the whole shop pointing and laughing?

- From Rick.

Contributions to this list always welcome, so get yer thinking heads on and e-mail me with your suggestions, true, made up, witty or just plain silly. Send 'em in.

Oh.....and Happy Biking!