BY: LOUISE McDONALD

INDIAN TIME - Vol. 24 #12 - Ennisko:wa / March 30, 2006 Edition - Page 20 & 22

Sipping a sweet smelling cup of jasmine tea this morning, I pondered the idea of writing an article on marriage as requested by a friend. Perplexed as to why she asked me, the challenge of it intrigued me. I am no authority on the subject nor do I claim to be. Accused of being an unrealistic romantic by friends, I decided to render a broad and personal perspective on our current marital state.

The inspiration in writing this piece reflects upon my own marital experience in a twenty-two year relationship with one man and the chitchat of friends who reference the subject every day.

From a woman's viewpoint on the state of marriage today, it seems the whole idea is somewhat diminishing and, headed for the dustbins as a natural passage in the life course. When men and women marry today, they are entering a union that looks very different from the one that their parents or grandparents entered.

The pathway leading to marriage has drastically changed for today's generation of young women. The timing of first intimacy is increasing in distance from the timing of first marriage. Many young women are sexually active in early teenage years and chastity until marriage is almost unheard of. Sex is increasingly detached from the promise or expectation of marriage. Man's primal quest for the pureness of a woman is no longer sought after as it once was and women no longer wait for a mature suitor. The beauty of woman's body is now a marketing devise, sexy sells and unkowingly we buy into the idea and still end up unsatisfied.

Historically, women were the norm setters in courtship and marital partnerships as well as the bearers of cultural traditions in marriage rituals. To test this proposition, simply look to our cosmology and feel the essence of woman as a constant thread throughout our Creation Story. Begin with the suffrage of Otis'tsi':shon (Sky Woman) and her journey from the celestial world. In a pregnant state, the tiny life within her stimulates a nurturing instinct to originate earth on the sturdy back of a turtle in readiness for the birth of her daughter, Iakohtsistsionton. The daughter matures quickly and conceives male twins who set into motion the duality of our universe. Our Creation Story deeply reflects respect for the feminine, the Earth as our mother, always in a state of fertility and rebirth giving forth the abundance of life to nourish us. So women's attitudes and expectations for marriage are an important measure of overall social confidence in the tradition and a weathervane of which way the marital winds will blow.

The imposed Euro-culture that strongly influenced our current reality in our ongoing quest for marital happiness has led us astrayand reinforces a sense of pessimism, even doom, about chances for marital success. Divorce is an ever-present theme in media, music and movies of today. In addition, real life experience is hardly reassuring; our children are growing up in the midst of a divorce revolution, and they are witness to marital failure and breakdown first-hand in their own families. The experience of divorce has made most young adults more cautious and even wary of marriage. Cohabitation is emerging as a significant experience for young adults. It is now replacing marriage as the first living together union.

The dictionary defines marriage as a legally recognized relationship, established by a civil or religious ceremony, between two people who intend to live together as sexual and domestic partners. American culture views marriage as a signed contract. Our traditions view marriage as a spiritual connection of two spirits with breaths inter-mingling in the intimacy of a shared partnership in a sacred pledge of commitment to Sonkwaiatison.

Marriage as a rite of passage has suffered a cultural disconnection in the last century, scarred with Euro-patriarchal attitudes in the "honor and obey" vow which has left a lasting effect on a whole generation of Mohawk women's position and authority. As our grandmothers became voiceless in the assault of residential schooling, the importance of woman's work in family structure became marginalized and secondary. Marriage was no longer about partnership but about male dominance. Marriage in terms of traditional value lost its social importance and ritual significance because our European counterparts deemed it pagan and not worthy of sanction. We lost the customary pathway from adolescence to adulthood for young adults.

Our ancestors valued the union of man and woman and celebrated it as a coming together of two Clan families in a state of social prosperity. The families ensured its deeply desired benefits such as faithfulness, emotional support, mutual trust and lasting commitment. The traditional belief instilled to this day is that passage into marriage is a rite of "forever". Respect becomes a main ingredient as it outlives feelings of love and lust, encouraging a couple's faithfulness to each other, essentially erasing their past. Marriage was one of the most important and celebrated rites of passage in village life. It accomplished several goals associated with growing up: cultural ritual in mate matching reflected both man and woman's ability to demonstrate a certain degree of sacrifice, abstinence and capacity to take care of themselves first before marrying in order to achieve higher levels of maturity and productivity.

Partnership is a sacred and essential part of healthy living, we should not stop seeking or valuing long-lasting marriages as an important life goal just because Hollywood society is frivolous with their marital acts. To redeem today's marital discourse, a resurfacing of ancestral belief founded in Clanship can restore the harmonious balance. It provides the framework and social confidence for the likelihood of marital success. If our young people, and especially young women, are growing pessimistic about their chances for a happy and long-lasting marriage than a resurgence of traditional practice in courtship can again be an integral part of today's social etiquette.

Elders explain marriage as a partnership "tekaienawa:kon" where each partner contributes to the maintenance of a household and the raising of children, which is not only dependent on the nuclear family of Ista and Rakeni but that of a social bond supported by the extended family and larger community. A spiritual bond upheld by a way of life, observance and practice that included their totas, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and cousins.

Consequently, young adults, who desperately want to avoid marital failure, could find advice, support and guidance on marriage from the family peer group who have traditionally guided and supported the younger generation in matters of mating and marrying. Working women of today remark on how their marriages have none of these elements.

Women's disenchantment and growing skepticism may reflect two merging realities. One is women's higher expectations for emotional intimacy and more expectation for a man's participation in childrearing and the overall work load in a household. These expectations may not be shared or met by men, and thus the mismatch may lead to deep disappointment. In addition, women are now educated and most likely employed outside the home today than in the past, they are not as dependent on marriage as an economic necessity. Because women are breadwinners, they expect a more equitable division of household work and less tolerance for husbands who exempt themselves from involvement with children and the household. "I don't need a grown-up baby to take care of," is a common voice echoed by many working mothers.

Nonetheless, we need to create hope. We need to regenerate a great meaning of marriage in our youth to make it possible that their generation will work hard at staying married and return to strong family structure deeply imbedded in shared responsibility in the day-to-day grunt work of family life.

Reflecting on my own years of experience in a shared partnership leads me to believe that when both man and woman are pulling the weight of life the journey is less wearisome. Still in the midst of raising five very special children, I attest to how the balance of male and female is essential to healthy child rearing. I certainly don't wish to minimize the experience of my single friends and often find myself envious of their flirtatious freedom. But in truth, I much prefer the comfort and security of marital bliss, not perfect by any means but ceertainly blissful.

I fondly remember the day a handsome young buck asked for my hand, he did not say, "will you marry me?" Instead, he said "will you grow old with me?" and that spoke more of forever than I ever hoped for. In essence, if marriage is not forever, then why do it? Someone who truly loves you should be witness to your life journey.