Jokes! =D

Jokes!

What is the dynamic range of a trombone?
-On or off.

What is the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead trombonist lying in the road?
-The snake had skid marks. -Michael Banks

What is the difference between a group of saxophones and a group of lawnmowers?
-The lawnmowers can actually be tuned.

How do you know when a percussionist is at your door?
-The knock always slows down.

How do you tune three flutes?
-Shoot two of them. -Benjamin Steele

If a flute player and a French Horn player were pushed off the top of the Empire State Building at the same exact time, but the Horn player weighted 150 lbs. more, which person would hit the ground first?
-Who cares? -Justin Nakamura

You are standing in a room with a gun that is loaded with two bullets. In the room with you is Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, and Kenny G. What do you do?
-Shoot Kenny G twice, just to make sure.

What is the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
-The bassoon burns longer.

What is the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
-You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

How can you tell if your girlfriend is a french horn player?
-She places her hand between your b_tt cheeks before she kisses you. -www.jokes.com

How can you tell if a female singer is at your door?
-You don't, she never knows when to come in. -dave fairall

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
-Put a chart in front of him. -dave fairall

What's the difference between a dead french horn player, and a dead rat on the side of the road?
-The rat was probably on it's way to a gig. -dave fairall

What do you have when two drum majors are up to their heads in concrete?
-Not enough concrete. -

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
-Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins. -

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
-Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. -

What is the difference between a high school band director and a United States Savings Bond?
-The savings bond eventually matures and earns money!!

1. What do you do with a Baritone Player who can't play?
2. What if he can't do that?
-1. Give him two sticks and call him a percussionest.
-2. Take away one of his sticks and call him a drum major -Mike Hoffman

What do you call a man that know how to play the trombone but doesn't??
-A gentleman -

How do you make a Euphonium sound like a french horn?
-Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. -

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
-twenty four. One to smash the old light bulb, one to cut a potato in half, one to unscrew the broken light bulb, one to hold a new one up, and twenty to play until the bulb goes insane and starts spinning. -Matt S.-Maryland (AKA Mercman from now on.)

How do you fix a broken Tuba?
-With a Tuba-glue! -Jay Reynolds

What is the definition of a perfect shot?
-Throwing a/an (instrument of your choice besides the almighty baritone) in the toilet from 20 feet without hitting the rim... -

What is the differance between God and a band director?
-God knows he's not a band director. -

Why did Susie the guitar player get busted for indecent exposure?
-HER G-STRING BROKE!!!!!!

what is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
-the coffin has the corpse on the inside. -sooper dooper harry hooper

Whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?
-No one cries when you chop up an oboe -

Whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?
-No body cries when you chop up an oboe -

Whats the difference between first flute and last flute?
-About two measures -

What's the difference between a baritone player and a euphonium player?
-A euphonium player won't shut up about how he doesn't play the baritone. -BB

What's the difference between a euphonium and a baritone?
-A baritone has TONE! -Monkey Spanker

What do you say to a crumy band director?
-Absolutly nothing. -Dan Dan the dry wall man

What does a typical percussionist get on an intelligence test?
-Saliva. -

What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
-The stage is level. -

Which would you ask directions from? An in tune Clarinet player, a in tune Trumpet player, or a out of tune Tenor Sax player.
-The Tenor Sax Player because the first two don't exist. -Kakanaught

What do you call some one that hangs out with Musicians?
-A drumer -

Whats the differance between a bull and concert band?
-On a bull the horns are in front and the a**holes in the back. -

Whats a tuba good for ?
-20 yards if you got a good arm -

What's a tuba for?
-1 1/2" by 3 1/2" cut length of wood(unless you ask for a "full cut" which is actualy 2" by 4"). -

How can you tell there is a child trombonist on the field?
-He doesn't know how to use slide and he can't swing . -Ben the Baritone

What Is The Range Of A Tuba?
-20 yds. If You Have A Good Arm -Jason Graf

How do trumpet players greet eachother?
-"Hi, I'm better than you!" -

How do you make woodwinds play in tune?
-Put them on baritone -Phillip Leavitt

Two tuba players walk past a bar.
-Hey, it coould happen -

What is the difference between a Saxophone player and a musician?
-A musician can play. -Music Man

Did you hear the one about the baritone player who locked his keys in the car?
-It took him two hours to get the drummer out! -Baritone Girl

What does a Sax player write of his folder under "insterment"?
-Sexafon. -deep_X

How do you call a Baritone Player?
-Euphonium -Robert Jeppesen

How do French Horn players greet each other?
-Hi, I played that in Junior high! -Someone Else Besides us, so why u askin?

What do you call a Baritone player that can't hit a note?
-A man da -Jamie(1st chair)

How does a baritone player call to a trumpet player after he plays a song?
-call 911. -Abari

What do you do when Kenny G. starts playing?
-Cover your ears! Duh! -Baritone boy

How do you get rid of a flute player?
-1. Jam a stick of dynamite into the flute. 2. Tell them you are making a REALLY authentic Civil War scene. 3. Ask them to play a Civil War song. 4. Juuuuuuust wait. -Mike(the baritone great)

What is a good definition of a minor second?
-Two piccolos in unison -

Euphonium player:What kind of music do you play on your instrument? Piccolo player:I'm playing a jazz piece.
-Euphonium player:I play heavy metal. -Gillian Macdonald

What's the difference between a flute player and their flute?
-the flute is smarter -Mercman2

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboeist?
-a bad oboeist can kill you. -

What do you call a flat clarinet player?
-A majorette. -King Bari

What do you call a flute player who can't sustain a note for 1 measure?
-A majorette. -King Bari

Whats the difference between a sack of fertalizer and a trumpet player??
-the sack!!!!! -Aaron

What do you call someone who stands around with a bunch of musicians?
-A Drummer!! -Kevin Myers

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
-Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe. -Chris

What's the difference between a Baritone player and a drummer?
-The Baritone player knows how to play an instrument -Timex

what is a drummers favorite note?
-a whole rest -Timex

What the difference between a violin and a viola ?
-the violin burns faster -

What do you call 10,000 oboes in the ocean
-a good start -ha ha

What is the common trumpet greeting
-Hi, I'm better than you -ha ha 2

What do you call two clarinets on fire?
-kindeling for a bassoon fire -ha ha 3

what's the common saxaphone greeting?
-Hey, I played that last year -ha ha 4

What's the range of a tuba?
-20 yards with a good arm -ha ha 5

What did the baritone player think when he saw the pile of flutes?
-I wonder how many euphoniums I could make out of that pile of scrap metal...I mean...flutes -

How do you make the clarinet section sound better???
-Take away their reeds!!! -

What do you call a bunch of people standing around complaining while the rest of the band is marching in 100-degree weather?
-The pit. -baritones rule!

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
-If you borrow you neighbor's lawnmower, he'll complain if you don't give it back. -Ashley (LBB)

how do you find ronold mcdonald on a nude beach?
-hes the one with the seame seed buns -chuck norris

You know you've been in Band to long when....
-you are walking through the hall at school, and try to walk in step with the person in front of you. -Jackson Maring

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
-Drool. -the awesome euphonium player who loves euphs and hates baritones and no you can't tell me they are the same thing cause they're not so hahaha

Why do football players hate the band?
-Because everyone leaves after half-time. -this dude right here who wrote this thing and is babbling right now

how do you get a good sounding? make sure you have no flutes
-n -

How many Sopranos does it take to skrew in a lightbulb?
-one. she holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her (or so she thinks....) -Roger M. Grant

Why do baritons rule?
-Because a band can never have to many of them. -Brad, St. Clair Michigan High School

What are BBBC's?
-Big Breasted Bass Clarinet's -Yes.

1:How do you make a percussionist slow down? 2:How do you make a percussionist stop completly?
-1:You put a blank sheet of paper in front of him/her. 2:You put notes on the blanh sheet of paper. -Katie Wilcox

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a speed demon?
-The speed demon knows when to stop. -Andrew M.

A guy is asking anotherone to give him half a poud -What for he says -I am collecting for a baritone player's funeral -Here is a pound, bury two
-from accordions jokes -anonimus

What did the orange say to the lemon?
-What's up, lemon? -anonamus

After a big shipwreck the only man that survived crawls out to a distant shore far from everywhere. After a while this man starts feeling natural urges. Since there was no one else on the islad apart from wild nature this man decides that it won't be too bad to satisfy his urge by making love to a female camel, which grazes around all the time. So he tries. It doesn't work, because camel is jumping around, not letting the man to enter his pennis to the proper hole. This battle repeats everyday and man fails to do it, but tries everyday. After couple of years this man notices something white in the water and jumps to get it out. Sure enough it was a human, female as beautiful as you could think of. So he saves her. When she gets back to conciousness she looks up at him gratefully and says that she would do anything in the world for him. Man looks at her with happy eyes and says:
-"Would you please hold that camel..." -

Why are there hardly any Baritone jokes?
-Because the other instruments are too stupid to think of any jokes. -

How do you get a drummer to play accellerando?
-Tell him/her to play steady 4/4. -

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
-The knock keeps getting faster and faster. -

How do you get a french horn to sound like a baritone?
-Take your hand out of the bell and play in tune! -

What's the difference between a bari sax and a chain saw?
-You can tune a chain saw! -

How do you know if a drummer is knocking on your door?
-It's out of time, out of rythmn and they don't know when to come in. -Gillian

Q:Why do tubists have such white teeth?
-A: Because they use a Tuba glue. -

why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
-to get away from the music -castle marching knights

How many bass trombonist you need to replace a light-bulb?
-None - they can't get that high... -

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
-when they are pluged in, they both suck -

how do you tune a piccolo player?
-SHOOT HER!!!! -mike

What's the difference between a drummer and a lawn mower?
-A lawn mower cuts grass, a drummer smokes it. -

what's the difference between a drummer and a percussionist?
-only baritone players can be percussionists! -mercman2

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? Shoot one. How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I'm better than you." Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's too sensitive. What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says "Domino's Pizza" How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack. What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Not enough concrete. What is the ideal weight for a conductor? About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn. What's the difference between God and a conductor? God knows He's not a conductor. What's the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. What do do with a horn player that can't play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electric tuner. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? -Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins. - What is the difference between a high school band director and a United States Savings Bond? -The savings bond eventually matures and earns money!! How do you make a Euphonium sound like a french horn? -Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. - Whats the differance between a bull and concert band? -On a bull the horns are in front and the a**holes in the back. -
- -

theres a guy sucking this womans tits and he says these taste like coconuts and she says there bounty
- -

How are French horn and cornet players?
-Horn players are Horny, Cornet players are Corny. -Jim

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chainsaw?
-The exhaust! -PhantomTuba

1. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? 2. What is a burning oboe good for?
-1. The basson burns longer. 2. Setting a bassoon on fire. -

1. What's the definition of "nerd"? 2. What do you call a bass clarinet with half a brain?
-1. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. 2. Gifted. -PhantomTuba

What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
-I don't know either. -PhantomTuba

1. How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? 2. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
-1. His hat says "Domino's Pizza" 2. Take the Dominoe's Pizza sign off the roof. -PhantomTuba

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she got back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!" (My girlfriend would disagree) The next night she went out with a French horn play, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I LOVED the way he held me!"
- -PhantomTuba

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? (Multiple Answers)
-1. "Why? Oh wow! Is it like dark, man?" 2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. 3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). 4. Twenty: One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. 5. None. They have a machine to do that. -PhantomTuba

Want a good laugh? We at PC Show and Tell have put together these brief and hilarious clips, showing a PC user�s frustration with software support. I have attached the videos to the email, so take a look and let us know what you think! Feel free to use the videos on your site, or you can set up a link to Funny Ads at: http://www.pcshowandtell.com/funnyclips.html ftp://www.pcshowandtell.com/urgent.mpg ftp://www.pcshowandtell.com/sleep.mpg ftp://www.pcshowandtell.com/spitball.mpeg Just click on one of the above three links to view the video!
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How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs. -PhantomTuba

There were three music players, a good clarinet, a bad trumpet and a bad baritone. Which was best?
-The bad trumpet, because the other two don't exist! -marshall pearson

What is the same about all the percussionist jokes???
-They all suck. Hahahaha -

What's the difference between a flute player and a porsche?
-Not every musician has been in a porsche! -misie-the french hornist

Why did the chicken cross the street?
-To play the ufonium. -Psycho

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-To play the bassune -Psycho

What's the difference between a baritone and a ufonium?
-The baritone consists of cylindrical bore while the ufonium has conical bore! -L. User

How many reed players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One, but they'll go through a box of twenty before they find just the right one.... -Stupid Me

What do you call a bad trumpet player?
-A baritone T.C. player! -Joshua Bryner

what does bmw stand for?
-break my window -brandon

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a dying elephant?
-The elephant sounds a lot nicer. -Mr. Euph

What's the difference between a tuba player and a sick cow?
-Not much. -Mr. Euph

Why do you put drum sticks in your window of your car?
-so you can park in the hadicapped spot -Tyler Interlichia

- -

What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
-Pregnant! -

A young man attended a university and lived in the dorms with all the other students. After he'd been there for a month, his mother came to visit. "So, how have your fellow students been?" she asked. "Oh, they're just awful, mother!" he cried. "They're so noisy! One of them bangs his head on the wall constantly, and another screams his head off all night!" "Oh my!" his mother exclaimed. "What have you done about it?" "Absolutely nothing, mother. I just ignore them, sit in my room, and play my trumpet."
- -Euph Grrrl (Well, it is sorta mine. I made it into a trumpet joke. :D)

How do you get a trumpet player off your porch?
-Pay for the pizza! -Euph Grrrl

Why do so many jazz musicians play on the street asking for tips?
-because they need to pay off the rent on their cardboard box -deathazre

what's the quickest way to get a trombone player to your house?
-order a pizza from Dominoes -deathazre

It is the end of the world, and you have a gun filled with 3 bullets. There are five people around, you and 4 sax players. What do you do?
-Shoot three of them, pry a bullet from one's head, and then kill the other. -god question

How do you stop these bad insrument jokes? Press delete
-there are some bogus jokes on this page -

Kiss my ass
-everybody reading this joke can kiss my bleep val -

What do you call a drummer who got kicked off snare line because he couldn't keep a steady beat?
-A Tucson High Drum Major (True Story! Go 2000-2001 Baritone Badgers!) -ECOJO7

This little boy waned $100.00 dollars so bad every night before he went to bed he would pray for $100.00.Then one day he wrote a letter to GOD asking for $100.00.This ended up in the newspaper and as the president read it he Sent the boy $1.00 in the mail And when the boy opened it the boy said "Oh why did he send it through the government they always take 99% of everything?"
- -Joel Roberts

Signs You've Been In A Marching Band too Long! When you hear music and you start marking time. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song. When all your friends are in the band. When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band. When you like wearing your uniform. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?" When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory. When you've had a "trombone-ectomy" When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life. When people worry when they see you without you instrument. When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun. When band camp is FUN When you respond to "band geek" When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to breathe. When slides feel normal. When your instrument has a name. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's. When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day. When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet. When you give your instrument a birthday party. When your uniform fits. When white feathers become a fashion "do". When you see your squad more than you see your family. When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band (HAZO!!). When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer. When you accidentally call your band director "Dad". When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes. When reeds taste good. When you think your plume is alive. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil. When numbers past 8 aren't important. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch. When you'd rather practice than read this list. When letters past G aren't important. When you get the jokes on this list.
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how many eighth notes are in a measure of 7/8?
-eight, if you count the extra one the trumpets always add in! (true story 00 panther band) -"schmitty"

How do you tell if a trumpet is at your door?
-The knock always slows down and they never come in when you open the door, always a little later. -Dannie (BARITONES RULE)

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Nine, one to do it and eight to say how much better they would do it! -euphonium_Queen

What's a band directors best birth control?
-His personality! -BIg Red Euphonium Girl.........GO BIG RED!!!!......oh yah.....Peace, Love, and Euphoniums...err I mean music

What do you call a band with 1 baritone??
-1.Pathetic 2.Mine :*-( (dont laugh im pretty good) -Tristan The Baritone Man

Did you hear about the drummer who went to college?
-Neither did I. -Alex

What do clairnets call trombones?
-Brassholes! -Baritonegirl6278

What do you call a woodwind player who couldn't cut it in the marching band?
-A Flag Team member -Steph Ski-GHS DUKES

A flute player and a Baritone player are hurtling toward their deaths after jumping off the Empire State building. The Baritone player weighs 100 pounds, 7 ounces more than the flute player. Remembering Newton's Laws of motion, who would hit the ground first and Why?
-A. The flute player. She would have to stop first for directions. -me

What did the flutist say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
-Ooo! Doughnut Seeds! -

What is another name for a rest?
-An impromptu trumpet solo. -

2 ladies walked into a bar. What instrument did they play?
-Flute any one else would have ducked -

sorry, computer went whack on me. floutists!
- -someone who's boyfriend plays the flute. and he's a floustist, not a flutist.

the cheerio joke-it's floutist, not flutist. okay?
-guy whose girlfriend told him to go to this site. and i play flute --Stoner

how cann you tell if your galfriend is a french horn player?
-she places her hand between your butt cheeks before she kisses you. -CoOL bArItOnE

HOW LONG IS THE NEXT BUS
- -25 FEET

why did god create bassoons? To annoy people!!
- -Quickie

Why does an oboe sound like a duck?
-Because the reed is quacked. -Adell Claypool

you are so freakin gay you dumb
- -

you are the gayest mother fucker that owns a website. dumb ass
-you are gay -stupid ass

A master instrument craftsman was able to get 20 trumpets that created incredible sound. When asked how he managed it, he only had this to reply.
-I melted them down and made a euphonium out of them. -JoelTheGeek

why did the chicken cross the road?
-becuz kfc was on the same side of the road as him -chicken

Top 7 Ways You Know You've Been in Band Too Long! 7.Your band director finally calls you by the right name. 6.What happens on the bus stays on the bus! 5.You've gotten used to marching 110 degree heat. 4.You find yourself walking in step with all of your friends. 3.Your instrument costs more than your car did. 2.When it comes time to sing the school song you hum it instead. 1." One time at band camp ..."
- -da bomb BARITONE

What is the sign of a true trombone player?
-They're usually called a name that starts with an 'A'. Figure it out. -The Baritone Player Who's Going To Beat Matt In Her Challenge.

hi
-bite me -

Trumpet rule
-Trumpets rule -Trumpets rule

Why are the intermissions at the symphony only 20 minutes long?
-If they were any longer they'd have to re-teach the persussion parts every night. -

You:what did they say about the banker who got bored with his job? Schoolmate: I give up.
-you: he lost interest. -esther selsdon

What is the diferance between a baritone ans an euphoneum?
-A baritone actually sounds good. -tubaman

Why is the French Horn a divine instrument?
-Because man blows into it, but only God knows what comes out of it! -Christ"Siwak-Ewok"

Definition of a TROMBONE:
-A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur! -Siwak-Ewok

What does a string quartet consist of?
-a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and a person that hates violins -AnDrew (got it from a friend)

Why can you only have one band director in the same room at the same time?
-Otherwise the the whole universe revolves around them. -Euphoniums aren't baritones and never will be!

- -

What do you call five million baritones/euphoniums at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean??
-A GOOD START!!!! -Flute Avenger

A blonde walks in to a band tryout and says "I would like to join band." The band directors gave her a list of typical tryout questions like what is a note, what's a rest, etc. The blonde is told to write her answers on a sheet of paper, and turn them in on the next day. When she turns it in, the sheet is blank. She claimed she didn't know any of the answers. One of the band directors remarks snidly-
-"Well, we always need a new percussionist." -Euphoniums are much better than flutes

How do you shut up an euphonium?
-Give 'em a solo!!!! -Flute Avenger (strikes again!)

Why can't baritones tell good flute bashing jokes?
-They can't remember the punchline!!! -Flute Avenger

What's the difference between a flutist and a floutist?
-The angle of the nose. (phrase commonly heard in our band mockingly - I play flute - a-dungh!) -hornpimp@hotmail.com

what is the difference between a baritone and a eyphonium?
-nothing. the smaller head of a euphonium player makes the instrument appear bigger -peter

I was talking to this singer for a jazz band about all the musicians she had dated. First I asked her about the trombonist. She said "After I gave him some lubricants for his slide, he was really good with it." Then I inquired about the trumpetist. She said "He was really good and had great technique but he tried to show off alot and had a really big ego!" Next, I asked about the drummer. "Oh boy, he tried to hit every spot on me but generally he was all over the place!" Finally I asked about the french hornist who was sitting in with them. "OMG He was weird, his hands hands were all over the place, but he was really really good!"
- -Dana Hench (DHENCH7@aol.com)

how many euphonium players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Two, one to screw in the bulb and the other to explain what a euphonium is. -Da trumpet-bari bad-ass

how many euphonium players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Two, one to screw in the bulb and the other to explain what a euphonium is. -

how many tenor saxaphone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-three, one to screw in the bulb and the other two to say "they could do it if they had the high notes." -

How do you get two oboe players to play in tune?
-Shoot one of them. -ihavenolife

What is the only decent thing to do with a mellophone?
-Nail it to your wall and put flowers in it. -a French Horn lover

What do you call aguy who hangs out with the band? A drummer.
- -Kevin Harris

What is the diffrence between a cheerleader and a trombone player?
-the cheer leader will eventually shut up -nicole mccommon, fhs marching band

-Why does the trumpet players have bumps on the back of his head? - He stands infront of the trombone player in the brass band - -Joseph Tan Cheng Kwee

Where do you think the band major would place the sexaphone player? - behind and sexy female band members, to blow up her skirt -
- -Joseph Tan Cheng Kwee aka jawz

What is the difference between a tenor sax and a duck?
-The duck flies south in the winter. -euph-guy

What is the difference between a tenor sax player and a sick duck?
-The duck can get better. -euph-guy again

ford sucks, bmw rules , toyta sucks , gmc rules
-jdsfhdsbvhjkbxznfjdcbxzhjbchxzbnls -bouger

asshole
-bigone -its big

EUPHONIUM....
-Ialian for.. I dont want to ring them... You phoney them !!! -

Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go. Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek. I've set up webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Here then" and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This isn't what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver..."
-knock out! -pomozki

How do you know if you've been in band too long? -If you know the difference between a baritone and euphonium. (this is the part where you laugh at my pathetic joke)
- -Marie (why are there like no baritone/euphonium jokes?)

Top Ten Most Insightful Statements of George W. Bush 10) "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" January 29, 2000 (As opposed to less many?) 9) "The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." November 22, 2000 (Talk about an efficient government, George W. has eliminated the duties of the appellate court in a single speech!) 8) "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." January 30, 2000 (Does George W. have plans he is not telling us?) 7) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." January 27, 2000 (Specially, when they won't stand still...) 6) "The government is not the surplus's money." November 5, 2000 (Obviously, English is not the president's language.) 5) "I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." September 19, 2000 (And, just when I thought I was real.) 4) "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" January 11, 2000 (Most people's grammar is simply too good to ask that question.) 3) "Our priorities is our faith." October 10, 2000 (Obviously, grammar is not.) 2) "The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money." September 13, 2000 (So tax cuts are designed to reduce our life span?) 1) "I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." October 11, 2000 (George W. is the first president to recognize the connection between racial profiling and the ability to read!)
- -BillyBob

How do you get hold of a Euphonium player?
-you-phone-um -Mr. A

Top 5 reasons to play baritone/euphonium...
-5. Gives good low brass sound, it's lighter than a tuba, yet more accurate than a trombone. 4. being able to impress non-band members by playing an instrument called a euponium. 3. Being able to play both really high notes, and really low notes. 2. Great solos and countermelodies. 1. Just too cool an instrument. -BaRiToNeChiC04

What does a rubber euphonium player looks for?
-A rubberband. -

Unless some changes are made when I attend my religious meetings, I might as well stay home ! I get the same old pew and somethings gotta give!.
-Big Bob of SRSACA -

Unless some changes are made when I attend my religious meetings, I might as well stay home ! I get the same old pew and somethings gotta give!.
- -Big Bob of SRSACA

C'�tait une fois qu'un gars voulait rentrer dans la police, la police c'est tass� pi le gars a rentr� dans le mur. HA HA HA
-HO HO HO -Jimmi Hendrix

what's the diferrance between an electric guitar and a baritone?
-The electric guitar sounds good. -

Why are euphoniums/baritones in bands?
-to help all the other instruments play their solos! -Missie Euphonium

What do you get if you push a piano down a mine shaft?
-A flat Minor -Euphonium player

What do you get if you look down the same mine shaft?
-You c flat minor -Euphonium Player

How do you get a trumpet to play Fortisimo?
-You put Pianisimo on his music! -Euphonium Player

Whats the difference between a french horn and an empty tin can?
-You can play music with the can -Trumpetkid. Yes I am better than you.

What do you call a band with no Baritones? A drumline
-Baritone do and will always be the best section. -Kevin Logan

how can you tell you're a complete loser?
-when you think these jokes are funny. i hate life. -YOUR MOM. BITCH

Hi, This one has a good punch line, and it's also a true story. Feel free to post it as-is, especially after you're convinced enough to endorse it. Chuckles, -Brad. ------------------------------- How to Multiply Your Orgasm Orgasm's are produced by a small muscle located between the legs. If you're old enough to orgasm, you'll know the muscle I mean: It's the one that clenches spasmodically at those special moments. If you take a moment to try, you'll find that you can easily clench that muscle now, but that it doesn't feel special in any way when you do. Several years ago I was watching a documentary about sex and was informed about a dramatic study. A group of women were instructed to clench and unclench their orgasm muscle for a couple of minutes a day for two weeks. The result of exercising that muscle was to triple the frequency and double the intensity of their orgasms. That's six times as much orgasm! Being an inquisitive sort, I tried the exercise and can happily report that it multiplies men's orgasms too, and a lot more. During the first three months of that daily exercise I lost 30 pounds, without even trying, and have now been slim for seven years. I believe that the magnified sex drive I experience is the result of increased sex hormones, and those are well known to burn fat and build muscle. It seems that the stronger we make that muscle, the more hormones are produced. Those hormones also turn mice into men by suppressing the fear of rejection, so it's a quick road to romance. In a few countries like Japan, where sexual arts are taught as a tradition, women remain slim all their lives and never experience menopause. I'm only guessing, but I'll bet that the exercise will boost hormone levels and reverse menopause in many western women, but perhaps not until a low enough weight is reached. The only fly in the ointment is that exercise is exercise. The BIG ORGASM comes at the cost of pushing a tired muscle a little bit farther, and a lot of people just can't get into that. Fortunately there's an easy way to do it, -at least there is if you like to dance or tap your foot to music. Dancing and foot tapping are exercises too, aren't they? And yet we can do them for long periods of time with no effort at all, and in fact we get a lot of pleasure out of them instead. We simply love to synchronize with music. So to exercise the orgasm muscle easily, we only need to sit very still and clench it to the beat of a favorite song. That way it's pleasure instead of pain. Keep going as long as you can, and every day you'll go a little farther. Try it as a ritual over morning coffee. Do it several times a day if you want to get there fast. Wouldn't it be cool if this email circulated far and wide, and in a few months the obesity epidemic was reversed, and all the lonely people started pairing up, and everybody was happier and stronger than before? It's always been my dream to do something significant, and since everything I've written here is true... After trying the exercise long enough to know that I've told you the truth, send this letter on to your friends and consider sending me (a poor, almost homeless waif) a gift in return: checks, car keys, deeds to ritzy estates, lucrative marriage proposals, etc. Remember, it's the thought that counts. Anything legal and small enough to fit in my mailbox would -really- make my day. Send to Paul Bradley Dennis, #224 - 2416 Main St, Vancouver BC Canada V5T 3E2. Happy you know what!
- -Brad

I read a joke about how I could multiply my orgasm at http://members.aol.com/mmarshin1/
-now i can't pee -thanks

just testing
-anon -you there?

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