The Habitation
a journal from Richards Bend
October 2, 2002
There are times I look back - There are times it is hard for me to believe how time changes things. How extraordinary life is - or can be. These few days have been strange. I'm in a strange time - I'm not sure if it is because i've moved to the cabin - I don't think so. Maybe the move triggered something in me - deeper - far deeper than any physical move can bring a person - bring a spirit. There is so much going on these days... so many things are different, or so it seems, than they have been - ever... And this, in just the last few days.
I've been in Indianapolis the last few days, working on a bid... dredging up old memories - Talking to people I'd not talked to in several years... visiting all the "outoftheway" places, I once knew so well - and listening to music i'd not listened to for those same years gone... and the thought, and they've already said, if this happens, if we are a successful bidder, they want me to move to Indianapolis - Would I be opposed to that? Well, gosh, let me see - Would I? I mean really.... would I? It's just one of those things, I have no earthly idea. So, I go up there, work my ass off for two days - knowing that if I'm successful, it would mean making a decision - that's right - we'll just see what happens and make the decision then - later when it really matters anyway - i mean, when there is actually a decision to make.... But I drove around up there as if I might move back - trying to get a sense of how that'd feel - so I think I'm numb... not that there wouldn't be other great reasons for me to move back - My Son - My Son lives there still - and he's my greatest reason for life anyway - I surprised him Monday night - walked up to his door - rang his door bell - he had no idea i was anywhere within 250 miles of his house, then suddenly, i'm behind the door he's opening. He spent two nights with me; I ate lunch with him at school every day - and when it came time to leave today, he fell apart... What's up with that? I mean really... what's up with that? He's never had this much trouble with me leaving... he cried in front of all of his class mates at school - didn't eat a bite of his lunch - didn't want to go to football practice tonight (so his Mom said) - I guess this puberty thing is setting in - he's getting really emotional - emotional about already emotional things - and it tears me up inside.... I called him late this afternoon, once he'd gotten home from school - and even though he was trying to hide it, i could hear tears in his voice - I kept telling him - reminding him that he'd be coming to Kentucky next week for a few days at the cabin with me - and even that didn't cheer him up - it tear me up inside (did I say that already) - what I actually mean to say is...
it
tears
me
up
inside...
I don't suppose it would do any good to just tell him that I don't fit in very well in Indianapolis - I mean, so what? This is much more important than "fitting in"... I have other reasons for being in Kentucky - away from him - but each year that goes by, those reasons seem less significant - I will let it go a while longer - maybe the end of next summer, like we said before - and see what it all looks like - the emotional landscapes of it all then - I just find it extraordinary curious, this all comes to light - Jon Boys feelings becoming so much stronger about our time together - and this, this possibility of work for me there - just after I've gotten moved into the cabin. And the strange thing is, I don't really know what's going to happen, but I am not too terribly concerned... I have a belief down inside my soul that what ever should happen, will happen - and I guess, insofaras I can tell, I am at peace with it - whatever it is - whereever it takes me... And what's even stranger, even though I am sure will have several months, at least, to stay at the cabin, I think I'd be happy having just a few more days - and have peace.
I am still on the road... I am not at the cabin tonight - I will be tomorrow night, and I can hardly wait.