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The Habitation
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a journal from Richards Bend
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October 4, 2002
I'm home.
Driving out the road to the place, at dusk, I felt as if I were going home... that I was on the road to my house - not an unusual thing, but all this time, including the last two weeks, driving out that same road, at that same place, I've always felt as if I was going to the cabin - to work, see. Tonight, after two weeks of living here, I finally got the feeling i was going home. It seems sudden in some ways - and in others, it seems slow - the anxiety, what anxiety I've had, is all slowly leaving me... I've been worried about trees falling down on me - or my truck...I've been worried about trees falling down on the cabin - but now that i've cut the worst of those down, it doesn't seem likely. There are other things i worry about - bad weather... even though i've built the place as sturdy as I could, i can't imagine being very comfortable here, in the middle of the night, in a bad storm... and we've had two tropical storms this week, neither of which turned out to be any kind of problem... And believe it or not, i worry about the cabin itself jumping off the block peers i've built it all on... the lower side of the place is up nearly five feet off the ground - the ground under the cabin slopes toward a cliff - not eight feet away, there's a shear rock cliff - 30-40 feet down to the creek - if it ever went, it would simply tumble right on over... with me in it. I slept here the first two or three nights without locking myself in - i have made old-time indoor lock-bars that come down over each door... nobody will get in while I am here, I can guarantee that - but if the cabin ever did slip off the peers, i'm sure everything would be crushed into a bind, making it impossible for me to get out - add a red hot wood stove in here, rolling around as well, and, well, it's something you think about late at night. There've been lots of bumps and noises over nights, but i've gotten used to all of that... in fact, i've pretty well made peace with all my worries. It is not likely that the place would ever slip off its peers - There's nothing in these woods that would hurt me; and what ever could, i'm armed with a loaded-heavy-bore shotgun, so that's not a worry. I think my biggest worry is worry itself... and now that is going away... and like i said, slowly and quickly, it is all going away - every day, I feel more and more at home - more and more at peace - more and more proud of what i've done here - built my own home, with my own two hands, and no power tools at all.
Friday night now - and i'm here for three days... oil lamps are burning... i was able to dry out enough fire wood to get a hot fire going outside - the storms have all cleared off - and enough leaves have come down, to see a great many stars - and a great many stars there are. It's a new moon soon, so the sky is black as black can bee - except for the firey stars blazing. Coyotes sing at night - And many many owls - The leaves are starting to change - yellow and even a few red - and many of them are falling around the cabin - it reminds me of last fall, when I was getting started here - digging foundations - and stacking the concrete blocks.
One thing that does still worry me a little - snakes. Last Sunday night, as I was getting ready for my travels, it was dusk, and i noticed a snake out on the dirt road... I grabbed a light and went to investigate... and it was a copperhead... not deadly poisonous, but poisonous all the same... not something you want to have bite you.. probably mean a short stay in the hospital... I roam around here alot, cutting wood and working... I even walk around outside at night, with no shoes on... and my doors don't come all the way down - there's room for even a large snake to crawl right in here with me... I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'd probably ruin my floor doing what ever i decided necessary!!
It's nice being here... Jon Boy is so very much on my mind... I have pangs of emotions regarding him... I know that he misses me so much, and it makes me miss him even more than I already do... I call him every morning and every night - always have... His Mom thinks that I should call less - that maybe the calls are keeping him upset - keeping it all fresh in his mind. It sort of made me mad, what she said, but maybe she's right... I called him tonight anyway, and he still seems a little quiet, like there' s lot on his mind... I can sit here, in all of the peace and quite - and every few minutes, i think of him - and i wonder.... I wonder if this is right. Me being so far away from him.
I left Indianapolis because after we settled his custody and I lost, I just feel apart... started drinking to much and let my affairs get out of control. I wasn't grieving the loss of my marriage... That had been settled a couple of years earlier, and I was relieved to be out of that. But i was grieving what it all meant for my Son. I was grieving because it had been decided that my ex-wife was to have physical custody of my Son, and I was to have "visitation". When, during our entire marriage, i was his sole caregiver... I mean, she really didn't do much... Every day of my Son's life, while we were married, I made dinner for him, bathed him, read to him, played with him, went for walks around the complex every night, read to him and put him to bed with night time stories... she never participated... Even when he was only a toddler, i'd take him on camping trips - just me and him, and it was some of the greatest times of my life... I embraced being his father. I remember so many times, not being able to leave the house, without him crying to go with me... He always has preferred to be with me. So when things became final, it was both hard for me to believe and it was hard for me to accept. There are things that my ex-wife does for him that I cannot do... there are things she does better... responsibility - school work.. she's very structured and very organized... And I am not as much... Our Son does well at school; honor roll - and I honestly doubt if he'd be doing as well, had things not been decided the way they were... but my ex-wife is also somewhat cold... and I think, he doesn't feel "allowed" to feel or express what he feels when he is with her. Natural beauty is not something she considers important - for as long as I've known her, i've never known her to care much for nature or the outdoors... I wonder, so often, what it was we saw in each other, so long ago... After the settlement, I just couldn't function in Indianapolis anymore so I can home - I came home and I found Richards Bend... that's been four years ago now - I first started rebuilding an old log cabin that was already here... the Richards Cabin, which was build in 1842... I worked on that for a couple of years, and I lost faith in it... then a year later, I decided to build my own cabin near by - and now - and now, here I sit - writing by oil lamp light - listening to the Richards Bend owls singing - listening to Pitman Creek fall below the place... listening to the fire pop outside the door - listening to the crickets singing - seeing the stars shine through the thinning, autumn canopy ... and I would say, i've found my peace - I have found my peace - but the big question is - the biggest question is, has my Son? Is my Son at peace? And if not, shouldn't I do anything within my power to make his life better?
I don't think he is greatly unhappy. He loves his Mom very much... he loves his school- plays chess and football... and he's got some really great friends... my own friends ask me, why don't I go back up there and contest this arrangement... why don't I go get him, legally and bring him down here with me? I honestly don't think that would be in his best interest. There are times, he says that he want's to come down here and live with me, but he goes to a private school, and he's been there six years now - since kindergarten. If he came down here and started all over, i think he'd miss his school terribly.. and I think he'd be even more unhappy than he is right now... and I honestly don't think he is unhappy now... I think he just misses me - sometimes, he misses me really bad. I think if anything changed, then it should be that i go back to Indianapolis - But it would be so hard for me to do that... Gosh, it is so much more peaceful here... and so much more beautiful... Having developed what i consider to be a significant little drinking problem the last year i lived in Indy, i'm not sure it is a place I could stay sober in - I didn't drink so much that it was a problem for my Son - nor did I drink to the point, i had legal problems - no DUIs or anything like that... I didn't get crazy drunk ever, but i drank every night, and I didn't like it at all.. I did get to a point where I didn't feel well a lot, and it was all because of the drinking... I stay here, because I honestly believe I am a better father to my Son while I am here... I am healthier - I am happier and I am Sober (at least for today).
But it is all so very much on my mind.
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