The Habitation
a journal from Richards Bend
November 17, 2002
Not that I don't have my pains... It's not that my life is exactly as I would have it be, all things in my control. I have things that concern me on a daily basis. I think the greatest single thing on my mind is Him - Jon Boy (my Son). It seems as if I think of him constantly; I worry about him, most times, unfoundingly - he has a good life there with his Mom, and while I would prefer to have him here with me, I must concede, that everything being equal, it probably is better that he's there and not here. I suppose, the thing that is on my mind most, is the fact that it wasn't always this way... There was a time, I was certain he would be better off with me. That time has long gone now, and as my former wife, myself and my Son have moved forward, times have changed... things have changed. Now, my former wife does for him what I probably couldn't do - She provides for him a constant, organized, structured life - And if he does well, at school and sports and chess, then she must be doing something right... Its been seven years now, since our marriage exploded - The changes we each went through shortly there after, especially my former wife, was, well... a miracle really. And I can recall not expecting that. We are all different now - not that I would ever want to be back together with her - Not to be mean, but not in a thousand years... But if it took our marriage ending for her to become the parent she's become, then it was a sacrifice well made... And as for me, expecting to have physical custody of our Son, to be a part of his every day life - to have him live with me, in Indianapolis, when that was settled, it didn't work out the way I had foreseen... I sometimes think, had I been able to foresee the eventual outcome, prior to leaving the marriage, would have I left? I suppose the answer is two fold.... Had I been able to look into the future two, three years, I don't know that I would have left the marriage - But if I could have looked this far into the future, to these times now, I certainly would have proceeded... We are all better off now - My ex-wife and my Son live in a small, modern neighborhood - close enough to his private school, he walks to and from. They are comfortable and happy and safe. And as for me, even though the way this all came to pass has been terribly painful for me, I am here now - and at times, it's been so long, it's been so difficult, it seems as if I've awoken to find my self here... It's hard sometimes, to remember how so much time has passed - It's hard to remember sometimes, how I ended up right here, this morning - from those horribly troubling times, seven years ago. It is even hard for me to remember sometimes, what has transpired here at Richards Bend, these four years - the rebuilding of the old Richards Cabin - the disappointments - the time away from the place, the decision to build the new cabin, and doing so - The pain early on, the drinking to ease my mind - the manageability difficulties that I experienced, finding suitable employment, and the financial hardships prior to that... the isolation - and the sense of failure that I have digested here - It is all so different now, the trail leading to these times now, not necessarily pure - not necessarily happy and serene - have led to this place of occasion peace and serenity -
So it is here, I find myself - in these mountains - looking northward, every hour of every day, wondering, thinking about and praying for my Son - Knowing that he is well, and safe - I look that way, because he is my Son - and God has given to me, this overwhelming love for him... and I have fretted.... how I have fretted, knowing that I was not strong enough to stay close to him - Finding myself here now - I think, this is right... I suppose this is right, after all, and it seems as if Nature knew exactly where things would go - That Gods will was going to be done, and we've all labored, toiled and pained to reach this place - It seems to be now, the tears along the way, making it through those times, those nights, months and even years when I thought, I can't do this any more - I can't hang on to this any more.... I can't carry this pain any more - the journey to reach this place, perhaps it was Gods Will - and those nights, I remember so well, it was as simple as hanging on - though I was sure I couldn't, I did - and with Gods help, we've all emerged - we emerged here, to these "quiet times" - Quiet times of the heart. And now, because things are far more manageable than before, because my heart and soul are stronger now, It is possible for me to go back to my Son - I could go back if he needed me, and I would be at peace there. And this is just now emerging in my heart - I realize now, that I've been trapped here, and while I chose to come here, and there have been good times, I haven't, until now, had to the strength to leave, if needsbe - And I think, this is from where the peace and serenity come - That when I took out toward the foggy, November Mountains - to this forth Moon of the New Snow - I am here now, because I choose to be.