|
|
|
||||||||
/ Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail
 |
The Just Plain Strange Column:
5/5/00 |
MADONNA FIRES UNSPERMY BUTLER
Late Night Quip of the Week:
 |
"Madonna fired her London butler because he was sloppy, irresponsible and had a low sperm count." - Conan O'Brien on Late Night |
*****
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"Disney's
ABC station was blacked out by Time Warner in New York. When ABC just had
a blank screen, the guys here at CBS went, 'At last, a level playing
field!'"
"Did you folks see the Country Music Awards? My favorite was a Hank Williams medley, sung by a confused Whitney Houston."
"Janet Reno was on Oprah. She was wearing new glasses she got in a pre-dawn raid on Lenscrafters."
"CBS just bought the rights to do a 4-part mini-series on OJ. And we have the rights to his next murder. Remember OJ? He's the guy who got better treatment from the justice system than Elian Gonzalez. Now, though, Elian and his father are being treated so nice that Castro has decided to defect."
"Today was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, a tradition started by President Clinton when he was caught coming out of the Oval Office with an 18-year-old. This morning, INS agents brought their daughters along on pre-dawn raids."
"Four schoolmates are visiting little Elian Gonzalez. Castro let them off from a week of rolling cigars. Clinton's going to the airport to meet them—and to check out them Cuban Moms. By the way, shouldn't we see Elian's hot cousin posing nude for Playboy by now?"
To audience member: "You went to Ball State? Then I'll speak very slowly."
Complimenting guest Glen Campbell on one of his early hits: "That was a great make-out song—even if you were by yourself."
Guest Salma Hayek explained her figure by saying that at adolescence she immersed her hands in holy water and prayed, "Please, God, give me some breasts."
When guest Kim Basinger tried to explain her movie, I Dreamed of Africa, the audience kept taking 'into the bush' the wrong way.
Every day for a week, fake INS agents invaded The Late Show and seized Tony Mendez, the Cuban cue card boy.
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"At
the White House Correspondents dinner I sat next to the President.
The entree was pheasant under oath. Also sitting with us were Janet Reno
and Kevin Spacey. I kept getting an image of Janet Reno in Kevin's
movie American Beauty." [Clip of nude Janet Reno lookalike on bed
strewn with rose petals]
"On this week's celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Kathie Lee Gifford missed, 'What is the minimum wage?'"
"There's an Impotency Convention being held in Atlanta. Not a lot of hookers working that gig."
"Newt Gingrich is getting married again. He doesn't feel comfortable without a wife to cheat on."
"Singer James Brown turned 66 today. He says, 'I feel good.' Know what I got him? A brand new bag."
"The Kentucky Derby is this Sunday. It's for horses that are only three years old—or as the Sizzler calls them, veal."
Have you seen the First Lady's new Senate ads? "Hillary: the first Clinton you can trust your daughter with."
"This is the anniversary of the publication of Norman Mailer's The Naked and the Dead—the story of Bill Clinton and Al Gore."
"Al Gore just appeared to support gay rights and also supported more law enforcement. He's combining the two stands by advocating adding a second cop to The Village People."
"A study shows the average high school prom-goer spends $1,000. Or $1,009, if you count the pregnancy test."
"Gladiator takes place in ancient Rome—back when athletes used to kill people inside the stadium."
"In the 70's Bill Gates had about $200 in his pocket, Michael Douglas was dating a 23-year-old and the President was called Tricky Dick. Everything's the same!"
"Now the Ramseys are refusing to take a lie-detector test. They say, 'We don't need a machine to tell us we're lying."
"Al Gore hurt his back this week, flip-flopping on the Elian Gonzalez issue. And, hey, would the last person out of Cuba please turn out the lights?"
"I turned 50 yesterday. I still feel like a kid. I still prefer chewable Viagra."
"A survey found men averaging 16 sex partners. Right. That's 9 on the phone, 6 on the internet and 1 inflatable doll."
"Did you watch The 70's miniseries on NBC? Apparently in the 70's no one could act. In the 70's the President was caught in a scandal; gas prices were high, and Castro was in power in Cuba. Thanks God things have changed."
"To celebrate the international workers' holiday on May 1, workers in an Indonesian Nike factory were brought out for their annual look at the sun."
"For her Playboy spread I wonder what Darva Conger will list as her turn-ons. Maybe cash?"
"Meanwhile, once again I was 51 on People's list of the 50 Most Beautiful People."
"To prove a point, an 18-year-old female valedictorian in Oregon showered with five boys and got suspended. While in Seattle a 12-year-old boy slept with his teacher and got lucrative tv and book deals."
"A study shows cheap beer leads to overindulgence, which leads to more venereal disease. Cheap beer and gonhorrea. Sounds like a date with Tonya Harding."
"George W. Bush made $21.3 million at a fund-raising dinner with the NRA and tobacco companies. The main course was spotted owl."
"Mayor Giuliani of New York has prostate cancer. So when cabbies give you the finger, they're just reminding you to get an exam."
"Today was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I feel sorry for the daughters of mens' room attendants."
"Little Elian's fisherman was found in a closet with another 6-year-old boy. That fisherman is like the Latino Kato Kaolin."
"Openly gay actor Rupert Everett was seen going into a nightclub with a beautiful woman, and so now there are tabloid rumors that he's straight. 'But I'm gay.' 'I don't think so.'"
"This is the 14th anniversary of Chernobyl, the biggest accident in history not involving Whitney Houston."
Guest Matthew McConaughey revealed that he sleeps naked, sleepwalks, and sometimes wakes up in hotel corridors with no clothes and no key.
Monday Night Headlines:
"Stool Softener Can Remove Ear Wax Buildup"
"Buy one buger, get one free"
"Drunk Student Arrested for 'Humping' Stop Sign." Jay: "The sign said
'Stop.'"
*****
 |
Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"George
W. Bush raised $21.3 million with a single dinner. Sponsors included
AT&T, the NRA and Phillip Morris. The dinner menu even offered a vegetarian
selection, which read, 'What are you, queer?'"
"Gays of Thunder: [gay march in D.C.] Park bathrooms were packed with undercover officers in a horribly uncoordinated sting operation. The crowd swelled to 700,000, due to intense recruiting at high schools along the way."
"Labor Pains: On May Day, anti-capitalist protesters in London tore down the golden arches of a McDonald's. Then they put them up again when they realized it was the best food in Britain."
"Fissure Price: The Atlantic Ocean, straight from its starring role in the Elian Gonzalez story, is cracking under the pressure of stardom. Fissures in the ocean floor could lead to earthquakes, causing huge tidal waves."
[Clip of a man having sex with a pinata]: "So that's how they shove candy into those things."
"Close, But No Cigar:" Correspondent Vance DeGeneres did a story on Clinton impersonators. Then a Vance DeGeneres impersonator talked to Jon Stewart.
Correspondent Mo Rocca reported: "George W. Bush and Al Gore are doing foreign-language tv ads. Two men who say very little in English are now saying absolutely nothing in Spanish."
Other Segment Titles:
"Let Saigons Be Saigons" [25th anniversary of end of Viet Nam War]
"The Cable Guise" [Time Warner vs. Disney]
"Tiger Sanction" [Tiger Woods refuses to cross picket line to film
Nike commercial]
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Hillary
Clinton and Al Gore both appeared with the President for
the first time in months, and there was a fight over who would get to speak
the longest. Finally they decided Hillary could speak longer, because Al
Gore's speech would seem longer anyway."
"An Elle magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated. Meanwhile, 29% of the men masturbated just reading about the poll."
"The Supreme Court is deciding whether the Boy Scouts have to accept a gay leader. Who would know better how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together?"
"A lot of Las Vegas stars have had drug problems. At one point Sigfreid was so addicted to Valium he thought he saw Roy kissing a woman."
Guest Al Franken thinks Hillary should capitalize on Mayor Giuliani's medical problem with ads saying, 'New York needs a Senator who can't get prostate cancer." Al also thinks a successful police program would be, "Hand in a gun; get a free vial of crack."
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"When
Dolly Parton's first joke fell flat at the Country Music Awards, she
tapped her breasts and said, 'Are these things on?'"
"NASA says the Universe is flat, and plans to sent a pair of giant implants into space."
"Janet Reno says if Fidel Castro has a problem with the way we're dealing with the Elian situation, he should talk to her man-to-man."
"At the big gay celebration on Washington, President Clinton laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Choreographer."
"Mayor Giuliani's prostate cancer will be removed, taken into an alley and shot 41 times. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton says she'll do her part by taking the pin out of the ass of her Mayor Giuliani voodoo doll right away."
"Here's a clip of a six-legged lamb. The parents were Angelina Jolie and her brother."
"My mother got upset that last night I called Rasheed Wallace 'a punk-ass bitch.' Mom suggested 'poopy pants,' 'wussie,' 'stupid head' and 'worse than your father.'"
Guest Jeff Foxworthy, promoting his new cd, Big Funny: "Little kids in a supermarket buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get stuff they have no interest in just to get the prize inside."
Craig introduced a new character: Craig Kilborn, Frontier Proctologist.
*****
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:
"There
are two million men in prison in this country, most for the same thing, of
course—lying about sex under oath."
"Mayor Giuliani has prostate cancer. And the bad news is that the treatment involves N.Y. City policemen wielding a toilet plunger."
*****
Fine Literature:
 |
If you like lightheartedly profound delightful books, try
The
Fifth Elephant: A Novel of Discworld by one of my favorite authors,
Terry Pratchett
If you enjoy books by famous drama critics about men who claim to be Broadway stars out of drag, try New Yorker drama critic John Lahr's Dame Edna Everage and the Rise of Western Civilization: Backstage with Barry Humphries |
 |
*****
Comedy Central's Canned Ham Presents Eric Idle:
"In my new stage show Eric Idle Exploits Monty Python we're going to play 'Spot the Loony.' We'll bring them on-stage, put them in a box and ask them to donate their livers. Then we'll do Liverdance."
*****
Will & Grace:
|
Will on a gay kiss on network
tv: "One giant step for man-on-mankind."
Jack on disturbed woman: "She has 250 people in her head, none of whom has a toothbrush." Karen on cult: "They're trying to make gay people straight. Good Lord, don't they know what that'll do to the fall collections?" Karen on leader of cult: "He wants to stab gays in the back, and not in a good way." Jack: "That sent a tingle up my thigh right to my home entertainment center." |
*****
From Funny Times:
"What's another word for 'synonym?'"
Curmudgeon, Collected by Jon
Winokur:
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
it." - Tallulah Bankhead
"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination." - Lily
Tomlin
"Sometimes I feel like an old hooker." - Cher
"When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes
I just go for an estimate." - Phyllis Diller
News of the Weird, Collected by Chuck
Shepherd:
"Least Competent Criminals: Alexander Nemeth was arrested in
Frankfurt, Germany, and charged with attempting to extort $14 million from
the Nestle food company by poisoning its products on supermarket shelves.
The ransom money was to be placed in pouches around the necks of his homing
pigeons, but police merely put radio transmitters into the pouches before
sending the pigeons on their way."
Cartoon: Boss to employees: "Find whoever shut down our web site and hire him!"
Cartoon: Wife nagging husband: "If you don't go to peoples' funerals, you can't expect them to come to yours."
*****
Submitted by Ace Photographer, Rick Mariani:
ONLY IN AMERICA
1) Only in America...can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
2) Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3) Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes at the
front.
4) Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
5) Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
6) Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
7) Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
8) Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures.'
NEW STATE MOTTOS:
Alaska: We also take American money
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
*****
Strange Links:
Ken Kesey, the Merry Pranksters and the psychedelic bus in which they rode across America in the 60's are all at www.intrepidtrips.com.
Photos and things in other media from movies are at www.hollywood.com/multimedia.
*****
A Sippa San Francisco:
I Thought Joan Collins Was a Bitch:
|
From Leah Garchik's column, San Francisco
Chronicle, 5/1/00: "Joan Collins and George
Hamilton wrote personalized notes on programs they autographed for staff
members at the Marines Memorial Theatre at the end of the run of Love
Letters, which moved on to San Diego. The theater people told Strange
de Jim they couldn't remember anyone before taking the time to do
that."
And that's not the half of it. When Joan Collins found out my niece Laurie landed a part in What Women Want with Mel Gibson, Joan autographed a copy of her new book, My Friends' Secrets: "Laurie, I know what women want with Mel Gibson - HIM! Love, Joan Collins." P.S.: Laurie says, "Mel is VERY handsome—more handsome in person than on the screen!" That's where Mel and I differ. |
|
*****
Fosse:
 |
Thanks to Chat Cafe, 18th & Sanchez for tickets to Fosse at The Orpheum. I'd never seen "Mr. Bojangles" from Dancin', and it was brilliant. A singer performs the song, while, in the drunk tank, elderly Mr. Bojangles shuffles through dance steps. However, a second dancer, The Spirit, performs the same dance as Mr. Bojangles had as a vigorous exuberant young man. It was one of the most touching pieces I've ever witnessed. |
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
|
Ennio, at
Theatre on the Square through
May 7, does about a hundred celebrity impressions using paper costumes which
fold one into the other. He killed on The Late Late Show with Craig
Kilborn. 415-433-9500.
Stomp is shaking up The Marines Memorial Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time usher. Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
|
*****
I got my on-line start at Posthoc.com: The Upfront Guide to San Francisco.
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
 |
Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
 |
*****
 |
My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
|
 |
*****
Just remember:
| Meditate, Appreciate. |  |
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
|
And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
Top of Page / Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail