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The Just Plain Strange Column:
10/27/00 |
BUSH WILL SCRUB OVAL OFFICE
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"For the last six years our next guest has been the Governor
of the largest state in the Union — if you don't count Alaska,
and, these days, who does?" Dave asked who he liked in the World Series,
and George W. Bush said, "I like that New York team."
Dave: "Did you ever feel the need to apologize to that N.Y. Times
reporter you called an a**hole?"
Bush: "Not really."
Bush read the "Top 10 Changes I'll
Make in the White House." Number 2: "I'll give the Oval Office one heck of
a scrubbing."
"It's the Mets vs. the Yankees. The last subway series was 44 years ago — which, incidentally, was the last time the subways were clean. Mayor Giuliani has hired a thousand more guys to rub up against you on the subway. The only team still together from 1956 is 60 Minutes. Hillary is rooting for the D train. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, during the series are referring to themselves as relievers."
"In the first debate Al Gore was too aggressive. In the second he was too passive. In the third one, they got the medication just right. But afterwards they had to shoot a tranquilizer dart into his ass and haul him off. George Bush is on the show tonight. He should feel right at home around someone with a heart problem. In the third debate when Al Gore got too close, George Bush thought he was going to kiss him."
"When I get fired I'm going to do commercials. For enough money I can pretend to like anything — just ask my ex-wife."
Dave is/was in reruns the week of October 23 - 27.
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"Are
you going to watch the Mike Tyson fight on
pay-per-blink?"
"Mike Tyson's opponent quit because he was 'dazed and confused.' So's George W. Bush, but he stays in there. The meat in the first Rocky movie put up more of a fight. Even Don King called it a ripoff: 'He wasn't supposed to quit until the fourth round!' And he just walked out of the ring. I mean, when boxers are too lazy to even take a dive ..."
"Those topless women protesting clear-cutting of the forests have come up with an effective approach: 'Save the trees. Take a look at these.'"
"Anna Nicole Smith dropped a barbell on her arm. It's awful being attacked by your own kind. She doesn't know how it happened. Her 95-year-old boyfriend was spotting for her. She won't be able to dig gold for at least six weeks. But she loves the hospital — a bunch of old guys on their deathbeds. To her it's like a singles bar. She's trying to get her strength up so she can hold the pillow over the face of her next husband."
"Rolling Stone had to airbrush a photo of Al Gore on the cover because it looked like he was aroused. Gore said he was, but he was thinking of the American people at the time. Actually, he'd just met with five Chinese campaign contributors. So it looks like Gore has been stretching more than just the truth lately. And he's been named spokesperson for Banana Republic."
[I myself wonder if Gore wasn't just excited to be on the cover of the Rolling Stone.]
"Anne Heche has joined the cast of Ally McBeal. She'll play everybody's love interest."
"A Delta flight made an emergency landing today because a passenger started bleeding from his eyes. Turned out he was just looking at the Paula Jones Penthouse spread. She looks like Yassar Arafat with breasts. There's a warning on the cover: 'May cause nausea, vomiting and loose stools.' But they've written a song about her photo shoot." [Jay played "Who Let the Dogs Out?"]
"Yesterday Kathie Lee Gifford's new cd came out, so Yoko Ono moves up a notch."
"Joe Lieberman has left his name on the ballot as Senator in Connecticut. That must make Al Gore feel good. Three weeks before the election, and your running mate is still undecided."
"Yanni has come out with a new cd. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the elevator!"
"George Michael paid $2,100,000 for the piano on which John Lennon wrote 'Imagine'. That's funny. I thought he was an organ man. And he has to pay another $2,000,000 to tune it, because John Lennon had it tuned to Yoko's voice."
"Today is the anniversary of the invention of the light bulb. President Clinton celebrated with a 3-way."
"In Dr T & the Women Richard Gere is a gynecologist. It's the kind of movie that makes women want to put their feet up and relax."
"Jennifer Lopez has started the big-butt look. But take my advice, guys. Don't show the article to your wife and say, 'Look, Honey, you're a trend setter.'"
"The Quaker Oats Guy is visiting North Korea. Here's a clip." [They showed Secretary of State Madeleine Albright in a peculiar hat. Then she danced with the little Korean girls who were welcoming her, but Jay changed the music to 'Who Let the Dogs Out.]
"The FDA has warned of the dangers from microwaving prostates. The biggest danger is from punching little holes in it with a fork."
"The Bushes are now saying they're cousins of the British Royal Family. Queen Elizabeth says the claim is 'unbelievabubble.' Meanwhile, Dan Quayle is upset about George W. Bush's success. 'Hey, I'm as dumb as he is!'"
"Olympic gold-winning wrestler Rudan Gardner has turned down $1,00,000 to wrestle for the WWF. He has a condition that prevents it — self-respect."
"One of the members of Rage Against the Machine has quit. He's toning it down in a new group Annoyance at the Appliances."
"A guy raised a pumpkin that weighs eight hundred pounds. What can you carve out of that? Ted Kennedy's head?"
"If the Presidential debates are like job interviews, I want to see more candidates. The race is a real cliffhanger. One guy you want to throw off a cliff, and the other one you want to hang. Bush's plan on education is that every sixth grader will read at a third grade level by the time they're in the ninth grade."
"President Clinton was just interviewed in the gay magazine The Advocate. Having sex with Paula Jones is as close as a straight guy can come to being gay."
"The New York governor just signed a bill legalizing consensual sodomy. Consensual Sodomy — wasn't that Bill Clinton's Secret Service code name? I guess now you can enter the Lincoln Tunnel from either end. The lawmakers had to bend over backwards to pass this one. And Governor Pataki had to get behind it and push it through."
"Whitey Ford just had a birthday. There's a nickname you don't see too often these days."
"PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are protesting the testing of cosmetics on Al Gore."
"Victoria's Secret has made a $15,000,000 diamond and ruby bra. I saw it at Marshall's for $7,000,000. They think the cleavage will attract the Democrats, and the diamonds and rubies will attract the Republicans. A woman can use a $4 bra and a couple of ice cubes and have the same effect on a man."
"The Kinsey people say gay men have bigger sex organs than straight men. I'm going to take their word on that."
"Bride Magazine had an article to tell brides how they can surprise their new husbands on their wedding night. That's easy — bring a friend."
"Scientists say sniffing perfume can improve your memory. Do you believe that? Those models in Calvin Klein's Obsession ads can't even remember what sex they are."
"Gore says his momentum is increasing — which is what happens when you're going downhill."
"The head of Immigration and Naturalization is resigning and moving to Mexico."
"Ted Kennedy refused to debate his opponent. Sounds like he's getting the big head."
"Bill Clinton signed a tough new drunk driving bill. George W. Bush says it's a cheap ploy to keep him off the campaign trail."
"George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned."
"Iraq has opened an amusement park called Saddam City. Of course, their Tomorrowland is the 14th century."
Monday Night Headlines:
Ad for a college: "We attract students from more than 50 states."
Ad: "Ocean Front Property in Oklahoma."
Headline: "Brentwood Bans Passing Gas in City Parks."
Ad: "Irritable Bowel Syndrome Symposium: Bring a Brown Bag Lunch."
Headline: "Clinton Unleashes Gusher."
*****
Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:
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The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon is the current selection of the S.F. Chronicle Book Club. (Go to www.sfgate.com and type "book club" in the "Jump to" box.) Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin Shadows Of A Princess: An Intimate Account by Her Private Secretary by P.D. Jephson, John Smith — The big new book on Princess Diana. The Beatles Anthology by The Beatles. Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko tell all. It's #1 Nonfiction, National and Bay Area. The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood is #1 Bay Area Fiction. Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz The Night Listener: A Novel by Armistead Maupin is the first new work in 7 years from one of San Francisco's favorite writers. Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it? Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins |
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*****
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"To Boldly Gay: Geeks, losers, simps, propeller heads —
it's Sci-fi Gaylaxicon 2000 for gay sci-fi fans." Correspondent Steve
Carell to participant: "Is it hard to tell people you're a science fiction
fan?" Steve showed a fan coming out of the closet of the future.
Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "Crisis in the Northeast: Long-simmering tribal rivalry has boiled over. The area around Yankee Stadium is full of 'bleacher bums,' who imbibe warm liquids until they wake up, to their surprise, the next morning on the subway. Around Shea Stadium the natives worship Mr. Met. Now the two groups are at war. No one ever wins in these situations. Yankees are ahead 2 - 0."
"The War Between the Boroughs: In the subway series, tickets cost up to $5,000, if you want nearby fans to pour beer on you and call your girlfriend a whore. This is New York."
"On his Rolling Stone cover Al Gore had to be airbrushed to remove an allegedly large bulge in the area of his allegedly huge penis."
"If eight years ago you'd told Al Gore that having an enormously successful 2-term President stumping for you would be a liability, he'd probably have sighed audibly and rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner [clip of Al doing that during recent debate]." Jon [in front of photo of Gore and Clinton: "'I did not have relations with that President, Mr. Clinton.'"
"The Grass Menagerie: The Chinese are holding an Animal Olympics. The loser in the ostrich race was turned into a drag queen's hat."
Correspondent Steve Carell went to a sports bar to watch the World Series with the fans. He never realized it was actually a gay bar. The bar patrons kept asking him, 'Top or bottom?' but the tv wasn't on, so he never even knew what inning it was. Steve ended up dancing in his suit atop the bar, yelling, "Go, Yankees! Go, Mets!"
Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "Finger Lickin' Dead: A happy family, a violent death, a rush to cash in. Ruby the chicken was killed, so the owners took out a $1,000,000 insurance policy on Violet, their remaining hen. Violet was run over by a truck. The insurance company refused to pay, even though, on the application, Violet's occupation had been listed as 'chicken.' This all leaves us with the question: Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Monkey See, Monkey Doob: Scientists have shown monkeys can become addicted to marijuana. Another group that can become addicted? Scientists. Of course, the monkeys all had glaucoma."
"Excess Hollywood: Stars from Michael Douglas to Geri Halliwell of the Spice Girls went to the United Nations to fight poverty and war. By evening's end Mia Farrow had adopted the entire General Assembly."
"Ralph Nader's Green Party didn't even exist until it rained on the Blue and Yellow Parties."
When Posh Spice asked Jon why he didn't wear a wedding ring, he said, "I do. Just not on my finger."
"Prints of Darkness: In a roundup of current
magazines:
Paula Jones is appearing nude in the December Penthouse.
She says, 'I'm just doing it for the money. Hopefully, this will secure my
children's future.' Oh, it will. People will say to them, 'I saw your mom
in Penthouse. She's a whore.'
The Olsen Twins have started Mary-Kay & Ashley Magazine,
which shows what happened when Kathie Lee Gifford was split into two
equally annoying parts. And just wait, Penthouse.
Finally, this is Soldier of Fortune's 25th anniversary. That's the
magazine read by people while they're crouching behind rocks, shooting paint
balls at each other."
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Everybody's
excited about the subway series. Mayor Giuliani has picked the
Yankees in seven, and George W. Bush has picked the Mets
in eight. Giuliani is also holding a joint Yankees-Mets pep rally. The
death toll will be released tomorrow."
"Al Gore's photo on the cover of Rolling Stone had to be airbrushed, because it looked like he was aroused. Just part of his promise to work hard for the American people. On Live With Regis Gore showed Regis how to hypnotize a chicken. Bush showed him how to electrocute a chicken. Clinton is now campaigning for Gore, but Gore says, 'I'm putting his penis in a locked box.'"
"One of the astronauts just spent eight hours fixing the toilet, and even though he was wearing a spacesuit, you could still see his butt crack."
"Some women are holding a topless vigil against clear-cut logging. President Clinton immediately found even more wood."
Guest Dana Carvey: "A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'"
Conan is/was in reruns October 23 - 27.
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"Eye
of Newt Gingrich: a Texas town has banned the Harry Potter books
because they glorify magic and learning to read."
"A Colorado girl's mom has been arrested for letting her daughter's friends drink beer, smoke pot and have sex all over the house. In other words, she's charged with being the coolest mom ever."
"There are rumors that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are already expecting a baby. I don't know about the sex, but I'll bet it's fantastic."
"Amtrak has unveiled a new train that will travel at 150 m.p.h. from New York City to a ditch upstate."
"Survivor has released a board game. The fat naked guy is sold separately. And for $30 the cast of Big Brother will come over and clean your house."
"Shaq has started a new Dunk line of clothing, now that his Free Throw line has tanked."
"Mike Tyson says he's going to retire from boxing and go back to his first love — beating up people for free."
Craig is/was in reruns October 23 - 27.
*****
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Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
"For Whom 'The Cell' Tolls" by Libby Gelman-Waxner in Premiere Magazine:
My Jennifer claimed that Angelina Jolie is the only modern woman she really admires, for using tattoos as the equivalent of Post-its.
The Cell's most mind-boggling concept is the notion of Jennifer Lopez helping people.
Jennifer's butt is now a landmark on a scale with Julia Roberts's smile or Sharon Stone's crotch, and I expected to see tour groups posing beside it with Instamatics.
"Pay attention," I told my daughter. "Jennifer seems to have no credentials or college degrees, but she's helped a psychotic find closure, and there's even a hug. It's like the killer somehow swallowed Oprah." My Jennifer agreed that Ms. Lopez should be one of her idols, especially because after getting involved in a real-life Manhattan nightspot brawl with her boyfriend, rap mogul Puff Daddy, Jennifer had expressed her remorse by attending the Grammys wearing a few wisps of Versace Kleenex. "It's like she's challenging Mariah Carey to a wax-off," my Jennifer declared, and I added, "Which would be like watching Madeleine Albright debating disarmament with Janet Reno, if you could see their nipples."
*****
Ally McBeal:
Ally: "You are the biggest ass
in the world."
Robert Downey, Jr.: "And perhaps this is where you kiss it
goodbye."
Ally's therapist has moved out of her office, leaving Ally's folder behind. The new tenant, Robert Downey, Jr., reads it. She pours her life out to him in the belief that he's a therapist. Turns out he's a lawyer.
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
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Fully Committed got raves from
both the Chronicle and the Examiner. At
Theatre on the Square,
415-433-9500.
Stomp is shaking up The Marines Memorial Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time usher. Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
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*****
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
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Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
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*****
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My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
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*****
Just remember:
| Meditate, Appreciate. |  |
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
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And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
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