|
|
|
||||||||
/ Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail
 |
The Just Plain Strange Column:
11/24/00 |
WELL, DIMPLE MY CHAD
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"Ok, it's 3,000,000 for Gore and 3,000,000 for
Bush — and that's just the number of lawyers.
Florida is like spring break for shysters.
If Florida would just have a big hurricane, this thing could still have a
happy ending. And did you know that
in Dade County, half the voters were actually dade."
"In Daytona Beach a wet t-shirt contest was deadlocked. Palm Beach residents keep asking themselves over and over, 'What would Matlock do?'"
"The Democrats want all the dimpled chads counted. Dimpled Chad was my waiter last night at the Olive Garden. The Republicans say the ballots are being overhandled. It's the same complaint they had about the White House interns. Clinton demanded a hand count in his pants. The Democrats are sending Clinton to Florida to hit on Katherine Harris. Last night they found 86 more ballots in Katherine Harris's hair. Did you know that her hair was the only thing left standing after Hurricane Andrew?"
"In New York if you're stabbed, and the knife doesn't go all the way through, you've been dimpled."
"Please, let's get back to a low voter turnout. So far neither Bush nor Gore has won, and if that's not the will of the people, I don't know what is."
"Al Gore has offered a compromise, and George W. Bush has called a meeting of his imaginary Cabinet. And, you know, for all the stunts Clinton pulled, he never showed up at a press conference with a big band-aid on his face."
"To break the tension, Bush went down to the prison, and instead of a lethal injection, gave the prisoner a flu shot. And after all the confusion in Florida, for the first time in his life Governor Jeb Bush is being described as 'the less intelligent one.'"
"Dan Rather's head just blew up."
Every night Dave is telling Clinton
classics:
From 6/98: "Earlier today Clinton banged his head on a door
in the White House. It's the first thing he's banged there that hasn't hired
an attorney."
From 10/98: "Monica Lewinsky has given prosecutors a photo of herself
standing next to President Clinton. Actually, he's the only one
standing."
From 7/99: "President Clinton says he's ready to retire and become
Joe Citizen. Up to now he's been Joe Blow."
From 10/99: "Hillary's travelling in Italy. She's in Florence, and
Bill's in Rhonda."
From 11/98: "Early today I watched them inflating balloons for the Macy's
parade. It was good to see something getting blown that wasn't in the White
House."
"Richard Simmons is on the show tonight, and I pray to God there's no trouble. I don't care how oily he is. I just don't want trouble." Later: "I'm going to bring out our first guest against my better judgment. Here's a man who knows a thing or two about stuffing. Hold onto your giblets. Here's Richard Simmons."
"It was so cold last night that in Chappaqua the Clintons slept in the same bed."
"New York traffic today was like a Florida voter — every major artery was clogged."
Guest Chris Elliot:
"As Florida goes, so goes the nation."
"You had a quintuple bypass? I had something similar, a root canal.
Don't you hate the novocain?"
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"Some guy's invented a portable bidet. And you were
annoyed by people using their cell phones in public."
"Dick Cheney had a slight heart attack today. A slight heart attack is one that happens to someone else. He had a perforated chad. Katherine Harris immediately sent Bush her resume."
"Clinton arrived in Vietnam today. I feel sorry for the guy who picked him up at the airport. He's been waiting thirty years. Clinton says he won't apologize for the war. Hell, he never even apologized to Hillary."
"The Clippers beat the Knicks. The Knicks are the people who should demand a recount."
"They have bras made out of bubble wrap now. They're going for $100 a pop."
"I bought a turkey today — the new Kathie Lee cd."
"The Curious George musical pull toy is being recalled. Heck, it's not half as dangerous as the Curious George Michael pull toy."
"A Canadian woman cut off two inches from her boyfriend's penis because he was cheating on her. That's an inch and a half American. He's not seeing anyone now. He's still unattached."
"Florida: God's Counting Room. That Florida election is tighter than Katherine Harris's face. Gore wants to meet with Bush. Maybe he wants to slip him the tongue like he did Tipper at the convention — win him over. The Chinese have told Gore they want some of their money back."
"Gore wants five hundred more lawyers to go to Florida. Usually when you see that many lawyers in one place, you're in hell. They need more lawyers, because every time an ambulance goes by, they lose twenty or thirty of them."
"Fidel Castro says this is what happens when you put more than one name on the ballot."
"Now the election officials are talking about 'pregnant chads.' What were these people punching the holes with? Pregnant Chads — sounds like Siegfried and Roy's worst nightmare. And the right to life people say a pregnant chad should count as two votes."
"For the 2004 election, let's let the Florida people get a head start by voting in 2002."
"On Thanksgiving George W. Bush spent the day counting his blessings. Al Gore immediately demanded a recount."
"On Thanksgiving Clinton can unbuckle his pants after dinner and not get sued for it. Clinton called the Butterball hotline. He thought it was a dating service."
"Now North Dakota is recounting. No reason. They just needed something to do."
"They're starting the tenth Star Trek movie — In Search of Sensible Shoes."
"A survey shows that Colombians consider themselves the world's happiest people. Well, duh. Oddly, the people of Brazil are the unhappiest. I guess it's from walking around with those thongs up their butts."
"The Supreme Court has stopped Texas from executing a mentally retarded prisoner. He has an IQ of 60 and the reasoning capacity of a 7-year-old. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the Governor of Texas."
"A nurse in Massachusetts was convicted of killing four patients just for the hell of it. Bush has his new Surgeon General."
"And a woman in Texas had her heart repaired with parts of a cow heart. How bad is her HMO? Now she's wearing a moo-moo. There's something in the way she moos."
"Authorities raided the home of KKK leader David Duke after accusations that he misused funds earmarked for the white supremacist movement. He bought sheets for his bed instead of his head. One bad apple could just ruin the Klan's reputation."
"Authorities also confiscated the artificial leg of a prisoner who took it off and used it as a weapon in a fight. Was he hitting the other guy or kicking him? In any event, the prisoner is hopping mad."
"Keith Richards says he sometimes stays up for days at a time. Maybe he should try new Heroin P.M."
"William Hewlett, 87, the electronics billionaire, was rescued from a balcony when his house burned. Anna Nicole Smith was there to catch him."
"Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones say one of their favorite things to do is go to the movies. Yeah, because it's so cheap. He gets the senior citizen discount, and she uses her student pass."
"The Pop-Tart turned 35. It was invented by accident when a ceiling tile fell in some jelly."
"McDonald's is going to open hotels: 'Hey, there's some secret sauce on my sheet!'"
"In The 6th Day Arnold Schwarzenegger comes home to find another man in bed with his wife. That would be a dream come true for Donald Trump. He could kick his wife out and have sex with himself."
"There's now a machine to test your cholesterol just by examining your hand. Sure, if it has an ice cream cone and a Big Mac in it."
Guest Rodney Dangerfield:
"My wife wants Olympic sex — once every four years."
"I said, 'Baby, ready for the big finish?' She said, 'Sure, who's coming
over?'"
"I was feeling romantic, so I said, 'Let's do it like we did the first time.'
She said, 'Fine, give me $50.'"
"I asked my wife how she rated me as a lover on a scale of one to ten. She
said, 'I'm no good at fractions.'"
"I have no sex life. I even got a dear John letter from my
hand."
Monday Night Headlines:
"New Injectable Contraceptive Expected To Fill Small Hole"
Classified: "Whomever drove me home from the bars Friday night, I left my
purse in your car."
In a news story about ethnic minorities, one group was called "Puerto
Racoons."
Ad: "Prime Ribs — slow roasted with out house seasoning."
Ad: "Ka Ka Chinese Restaurant"
Golf story: "Three Bad Holes Spoil Butts' Opening."
*****
Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:
|
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon is the current selection of the S.F. Chronicle Book Club. (Go to www.sfgate.com and type "book club" in the "Jump to" box.) Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin Shadows Of A Princess: An Intimate Account by Her Private Secretary by P.D. Jephson, John Smith — The big new book on Princess Diana. The Beatles Anthology by The Beatles. Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko tell all. It's #1 National Nonfiction. Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz The Night Listener: A Novel by Armistead Maupin is the first new work in 7 years from one of San Francisco's favorite writers. Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it? Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins |
|
*****
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
The Daily Show was in reruns Thanksgiving week.
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Sales of the new Kathie Lee cd are really low, but gag
gifts are down nationwide."
"John Travolta wants to make improvements to Battlefield Earth before releasing it on video. The first thing is to change the title to Blank Tape."
"Magician David Blain is going to crawl into a block of ice and stay there for two days. He practiced by having an affair with Martha Stewart."
"A beauty queen in Thailand was disqualified when he turned out to be a man. The judges should have been suspicious, since his talent was peeing standing up."
"When you start losing the hair on your ass, that's a very tricky combover."
"Buffalo had two feet of snow today. Florida had two feet of chads."
"In Arkansas they're already taking down the eighty highway signs that say, 'Home of President Clinton.' They'll all be put up in Hooters."
Guest Caroline Rhea:
"This audience is like a WASP orgy — not a sound out of them."
"I went to an all-girls school where I was captain of the virginity team.
'Go, go, go. No, no, no.'"
Guest Jay Mohr:
"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have
you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'"
"Troy Aikman had his ninth concussion, and he's still playing. I broke
my wrist once, and I still don't masturbate."
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"I
say give it one more week and then give ourselves back to
England."
"There's a guy in Dade County whose actual name is Manuel Recount."
"We won't have a decision in Florida by Thanksgiving, but we hope to have one by the time the cat chokes on the leftovers. I'm spending Thanksgiving at the Beverly Hills Soup Kitchen, serving foi gras to the fortunate. President Clinton is looking forward to dinner with Hillary, where they'll argue over the meaning of the word 'stuffing.'"
"At the Backstreet Boys concerts in Japan the girls screamed so loud the Boys couldn't hear themselves suck."
"The Japanese have developed a robot that can walk, dance and punch a ballot all the way through."
"The Grinch took in $55,000,000 the first weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with Jim Carrey, he's not this guy." [Photo of Kevin Costner]
"Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband has sued Viagra for making him impotent. Viagra has replied, 'You're welcome.'"
"A new company offers to ship your loved one's cremains into outer space. Not so fast, Frank Gifford. She has to be ashes first."
"Tomorrow will be the busiest travel day of the year — otherwise known as the best day for running nude through an airline terminal singing 'I Feel Pretty.'"
An extra punchline: "... And that's why I'll never judge the Nude Mr. Puerto Rico contest again."
"After the wedding, Catherine Zeta-Jones carried Michael Douglas's wallet over the threshold. There was an awkward moment at the ceremony when the minister said, 'I now pronounce you father and daughter.' Concerning the huge age difference, Zeta-Jones said, 'If this doesn't get me $10,000,000, nothing will."
"Whales — they're great for Thanksgiving, but they're a real bitch to stuff. President Clinton has asked Japan to quit whaling, so I guess he does still have feelings for Monica."
"The doctor checked Santa's prostate and found an elf. The doctor went down Santa's chimney with care. He also found Santa caught a disease from all those ho, ho, hoes."
"MTV Europe is just like MTV in America, except they play videos."
"Governor Jesse Ventura is going to be an announcer on the new XFL — because he'd run out of other ways to embarrass himself."
Guest Kathy Griffin: "I'll be spending
Thanksgiving at Hooters again this year."
Craig: "I've never been to
Hooters. I think it's demeaning to
food."
Kathy: "Remember when you and I went to lunch?"
Craig: "What happened?"
Kathy: "We talked about you. The whole time."
Guest Ben Affleck: The new enigmatic Bruce Willis movie opens next week, but you won't be able to understand it unless you've seen my move Bounce first."
*****
 |
Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Carson Daly and Tara Reid mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
E-Mail From Dame Edna:
 |
Dame Edna tells me she's going to open The Regina Monologues in London — the story of her relations with Queen Elizabeth II. |
*****
New Yorker Cartoons:
By Hegefer: "When I heard that Charlie's Angels raked in more than $40,000,000 in its first weekend I sensed that there was great confusion in this country."
By Thom: A duelist who's just been shot: "He didn't have to get snippy about it."
By Mankoff: Football announcer: "The kick is up, and it's, it's it's too close to call!"
By Alling: Woman to date: "No, I don't want to change you, Darryl. But, sure, it would be great if you were completely different."
By Lanzio: Teacher to grade-school student: "You were kept after school to review multiplication and division. This is not a date."
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
|
Stomp is shaking up
The Marines Memorial
Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See
the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time
usher.
Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
|
*****
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
 |
Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
 |
*****
 |
My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
|
 |
*****
Just remember:
| Meditate, Appreciate. |  |
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
|
And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
Top of Page / Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail