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The Just Plain Strange Column:
1/12/01 |
MICHAEL JACKSON PROVES IT!
Late Night Joke of the Week:
"Michael Jackson is doing a record with his brothers to prove that white people and black people can work together." - Conan O'Brien on Late Night
*****
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"Both houses of Congress have confirmed George W. Bush
as President. You know, he might win this thing yet. For Secretary of the
Navy Bush has picked Sir Francis Drake. Right now Bush is on his ranch
in Texas resting up from his vacation in Florida."
"Today I hired an illegal alien. I took a cab. Linda Chavez decided to withdraw as Labor Secretary after a pre-dawn raid by Janet Reno. Katherine Harris smuggled in three Guatemalans in her hair. And to be fair, Bill Clinton nailed a Guatemalan intern. The real reason Linda Chavez withdrew is that she doesn't have the time. Suddenly she's bogged down in an incredible amount of housework."
"Hillary Clinton was sworn in this week on the Clinton Bible — the one with only seven Commandments. Do you realize it's been 24 years since Bill Clinton has gotten laid in the private sector. Bill's leaving behind a lot of memories in the White House — or, as we call it, evidence."
"Well, the transition is going well, from pervert to nitwit."
"It's so cold today that somewhere on my body I'm wearing a fresh-toasted bagel. I was on my riding snow blower, and I heard a thunk, and out of the chute shot the cat."
Clinton Classics:
From 9/99: "President Clinton had his annual physical today.
He was overweight and had a sore throat. Hell, he could be his own intern."
From 8/98: "President Clinton's approval rating is still high. About
63% approve of the job he's doing, and 64% approve of the jobs he's
getting."
From 2/98: "In Brentwood Monica Lewinsky had a car accident. When
Clinton heard she'd been rear-ended, he immediately issued a
denial."
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"In
dedicating a statue of FDR in his wheelchair, President Clinton
said he admired the man for still being able to cheat on his
wife."
"What most people don't know is that Wilson, the volleyball in Tom Hanks' Cast Away was actually played by a Nike soccer ball, which had to spend five hours in make-up every morning."
"Linda Chavez, Bush's new Labor Secretary, says she had no idea that Guatemalan woman was an illegal immigrant. She thought all Guatemalans crawled into the dryer when the doorbell rang. Linda said she was just helping out a young woman in need. Even Clinton couldn't get away with that one. Linda has a new cabana boy — Elian Gonzalez."
"Viagra warns that if you have an erection for over four hours you should seek medical attention. The record is four years — or as guys call it, high school."
"One of George W. Bush's cats is going to be left behind in Texas. Bush can't even get all his pets confirmed. And Bill Clinton's cat Socks is going to his secretary, Betty Curry. She's used to taking females in heat away from Clinton. The Clintons are still looking for a good home for Al Gore."
"The first child has been born from both a frozen egg and frozen sperm. Mother and baby are both doing fine. They're home chillin'. They've narrowed the father down to either Ben or Jerry. I don't get the need for frozen sperm. It's not like we're running out of fresh squeezed."
"Well, Al Gore is not going to be the president of Harvard either. He got the most votes, but they still picked someone else. When she leaves office Janet Reno wants to start her own web site, but Amazon.com is already taken."
"Vanilla Ice has been arrested for ripping out pieces of his wife's hair during an argument. He could have played one of his old records, and she'd have ripped out her own hair. They had to release him when no one could pick him out of a line-up. But did you see Vanilla in his limo at the American Music Awards? He was driving 'N Sync."
"For her next movie Jennifer Lopez is getting $9,000,000 up front. But that's nothing. She has a huge back end too."
"The big thing in high school now is co-ed sleepovers. In my day when groups of boys and girls slept together it was called algebra class."
"NASA is trying to land a spaceship on an asteroid. I think there's a better chance of Bill landing on Hillary."
"McDonald's is coming out with their own credit card. If you miss a payment, they put a McLien on your house."
"Prince Charles has suffered a broken collarbone. We can be pretty sure it wasn't a work-related injury. But he'll be up and waving again in a few weeks."
"Have you seen any of Ken Burns' new 19-hour Jazz documentary? Of course, 18 hours is waiting for the musicians to show up."
"Fox's Temptation Island has four committed couples tempted by beautiful single strangers. In other words, Bill Clinton, The Home Game. I taped the first episode, and my VCR got a social disease."
"Today there was an announcement that new porn on DVD will be interactive. Isn't porn already interactive?"
"The Clintons have bought a new mansion in D.C. The only furniture Bill Clinton is bringing from the White House is his lucky desk."
"Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Senator and got a kiss on the cheek from Strom Thurmond. It's the most action either of them has seen for the past eight years."
"They've started Survivor Down Under. Sounds like The Monica Lewinsky Show."
"Chuck Norris is retiring from Walker, Texas Ranger. The petition finally got enough signatures. Norris said the character has gone as far as he can on one facial expression. Another couple of years and they'd have had to call it Texas Ranger With a Walker."
"Hugh Heffner has broken up with his 22-year-old twins, and now he's dating twins more his own age — Ann Landers and Dear Abby."
"Did you read about that Japanese man who was choking on a rice cake, so his relatives put a vacuum cleaner nozzle down his throat and sucked it out? He's lucky he wasn't constipated."
"A study shows men are three times more likely than women to use sex to end a fight. This could revolutionize boxing. Another study shows women can have orgasms from sneezing. And you thought they bought pepper spray for self defense."
"Not only is Montgomery Ward going bankrupt, Sears is closing 84 stores. The hardest part has been finding sales clerks to tell them they're fired."
"It was raining so hard today Montgomery Ward went under for the second time."
"The current drug czar has stepped down. He says he cut coke consumption in half by shutting one of Robert Downey, Jr.'s, nostrils."
"Madonna says she's a fan of Britney Spears. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges — and you don't know if they're real or fake apples and oranges."
Guest Richard Lewis: "When I log onto AOL it says, 'You've got problems.'"
Monday Night Headlines:
Question Man: "How did you find out Santa wasn't real?" "When I found
out I was Jewish."
Ad: "Hooker on
Phonics."
Ad: "'97 Ford Mustard."
Ad: "'94 Ford Exploder."
Ad: "Naughty Pine Furniture."
Ad: "Home of the PMS Steak."
Ad: "Cute rabbits for pets or meat."
Ad: "Red Anus
Cattle."
Headline: "In-Your-Face Techniques
Lower Teen Pregnancies."
Headline: "Joseph Dangle Arrested for Indecent Exposure."
*****
Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:
|
Fierce
Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. I love his
use of language, such as "a meal so greasy you have to tie it to your teeth
to chew it," and "the Hallways of Always."
Lying Awake by Mark Salzman is the current selection of the S.F. Chronicle Book Club. (Go to www.sfgate.com and type "book club" in the "Jump to" box.) Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin The Beatles Anthology by The Beatles. Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko tell all. Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it? |
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*****
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"Labor Pains: Linda Chavez is getting a raw deal.
Why, 150 years ago, having illegal immigrants work for you for nothing was
a status symbol."
"Mr. Right? Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft says he will uphold the laws of the U.S. — provided they were passed before 1862."
Correspondent Vance DeGeneres did a report on dog dancing, "a new sport for dogs who'd rather cut a rug than pee on one."
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Linda
Chavez has withdrawn as Secretary of Labor. The bad news is that
Bush's new nominee is Kathie Lee Gifford, who has thirty illegal
kids in the basement: 'More socks!'"
"For the inauguration Laura Bush is wearing a white gown that says, 'I'm With Stupid.'"
"The new Army slogan is 'An Army of One.' It beat out 'Keep It to Yourself if You're Queer.'"
"The U.S. Treasury has minted a new quarter honoring New York. The Statue of Liberty is on one side. The other side has a taxi driver running over his mother."
"Strom Thurmond, 98, wants his son to be state attorney. He says his son shows a lot of maturity for an 82-year-old."
"Vanilla Ice was arrested for having a dispute with his wife for breaking their telephone. She claimed it still worked, even though it hasn't rung for five years."
"George Michael and Elton John and their two boyfriends took over the first class cabin of a flight to Hawaii. George Michael finished off four sacks of nuts."
"Twenty men for Taiwan are planning to pull a Boeing 747 with ropes attached to their penises. That has to be the worst hijacking scheme ever. Of course, if I did it, I wouldn't need nineteen friends."
"The Secret Service is taking precautions for the inauguration. They're attaching George W's mittens to his coatsleeves."
"When fans complained that Hillary Clinton's New York celebration of her Senate induction was at the same time as the Giants' playoff, she said, 'Who cares about the San Francisco Giants?'"
"A man in Utah was arrested for having five wives. Now he's in prison and has five husbands."
Guest Dave Chappelle:
"I asked this homeless guy if he wanted a burger and fries. He said, 'I want
some crack, okay? Maybe some fries on the side, but mostly crack.'"
"Today a guy was masturbating on the bus, and I was the only one who said
anything to him. Well, he was sitting next to me." Conan: "I didn't
know [bandleader] Max rode the bus."
"I auditioned for Rush Hour, but Jackie Chan got my part. A
few years ago my agent sent me the script for Forrest Gump, and I
said, 'This is the dumbest movie I've ever seen.'"
Guest Charlie Sheen doing an imitation of his father, Martin Sheen: "Charlie, clean up your act. Charlie, put down that pipe. Charlie, unhand that prostitute."
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"Saddam
Hussein had a stroke when he learned some guy married
Madonna."
"Bill Clinton is touring the country on a farewell tour. This should not be confused with Al Gore's farewell tour — oops, I mean election campaign."
"An XFL blimp crashed in Oakland. At least the air bags worked, right?"
"A new study shows that the fattest cities are Houston and Detroit. And the fattest states are Dom Del Louisiana and Oprahoma."
"Her parents are giving an English girl breast implants for her 16th birthday. She says she wants to be like her idols: Dolly Parton, Pamela Anderson and Al Roker."
"The latest rage is clown porn, the hit movie being forty clowns getting out of Madonna."
"Bush's Labor Secretary candidate Linda Chavez had to hire that Guatemalan woman. The only American who'll touch dirty laundry is Ken Starr. And Bush is innocent. He says that before yesterday he hadn't even heard of Guatemala. Bush may have trouble getting some of his other appointees confirmed also — such as the head of Health and Human Services, Darth Vader."
"A group of Japanese 20-year-olds went into freezing water to prove their manhood, and now they can't even find it."
"Hillary Rodham ("The Rod) Clinton, after promising to work hard for the people of New York, took a couple of minutes to laugh her ass off."
"Ken Burns' new mini-series Jazz combines the boredom of jazz with the boredom of PBS and the boredom of documentaries."
"Hillary Clinton is said to be having trouble finding a ghostwriter for her memoirs. I can help her out. 'The end justifies the means. The end.'"
"American Airlines is taking over TWA. We began to suspect TWA was in trouble when we noticed the seat flotation devices were coin operated."
"McDonald's now has a speed pass — five minutes from ordering to rest room. Jack in the Box has a speedier pass. They'll actually cook the burger in your mouth."
"It turns out people can have orgasms while yawning. Thank you, John Tesh."
"The U.S. now has a laser weapon that can hit a target from a thousand miles away in space. Who's really upset at this is Shaq."
"A Y2K bug has hit 7-11, making them think it's 1901. The good news? The hot dogs are fresh."
*****
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Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Cruella DeVille and The Grinch mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
From Scott Ostler's Column, San Francisco Chronicle:
"It was shocking to read about the XFL blimp that broke loose at the Oakland Airport and wound up semi-deflated on top of a restaurant five miles away. Wow, who would ever imagine that a venture involving Vince McMahon would fail due to a shortage of hot air?
"The captain jumped off the blimp when the landing went awry. He is now in disgrace, having violated the rule that the captain must go up with his ship. Don't feel lonely, captain, we're all worried about inflation."
*****
From Mister Boffo Comic Strip by Joe Martin:
People in a gym saying: "I try to smoke a pack a
day, but I just don't have the time. I'm lucky if I do a pack a week."
"I keep forgetting mine."
"And when you have to carry matches or a lighter everywhere!"
"After every meal, every time you have coffee ... Who can remember?"
"And what about the ashes. Do you know how many outfits I've ruined!"
"And who can afford it! Almost five bucks a pack."
The world and the way it would be
if cigarettes were good for you.
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
|
Stomp is shaking up
The Marines Memorial
Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See
the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time
usher.
Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
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*****
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
 |
Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
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*****
 |
My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
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*****
Just remember:
| Meditate, Appreciate. |  |
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
|
And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
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