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The Just Plain Strange Column:
2/9/01 |
NO TOM CRUISE CONTROL
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"Is it too soon for me to be hitting on Nicole Kidman?
I thought I'd buy her a couple of drinks at our next Scientology
mixer."
"George W. Bush is the first President to have to go out and buy furniture at Pier 1 Imports. The Clintons took all the nineteenth century antiques, including Strom Thurmond. They even got Zachary Taylor's bug zapper. The only thing Bill Clinton left in Washington was Hillary."
"According to Johnnie Cochran, the night of the nightclub shooting Puff Daddy was at his home in Brentwood, chipping golf balls."
"The Israeli election was exciting. I was up all night waiting for the Gaza Strip to turn blue. Barak is demanding a recount in Miami-Dade. Some voters accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. Bill Clinton told Barak, 'Take the furniture.'"
"Mom and I watched the XFL debut on tv. If I want to watch pretend football, I'll just watch the Jets. The XFL was supposed to make the NFL look like sissies. So what was the first score? A 25-yard field goal. I wanted to see heads rolling, halfbacks bashing people with folding chairs. Turns out the only difference from the NFL is the players get to date the cheerleaders."
"We're now XLS, the Extreme Late Show. Now we can have sex with the cheerleaders."
"Former President Clinton is on a public speaking tour in Florida. Finally, this could turn the tide for Al Gore. Clinton is giving two speeches and judging a wet t-shirt contest. His first speech was supposed to be on junk bonds, but he thought they said 'junk blondes.' Last night he was hilarious quoting his earlier speeches, 'I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.'"
"George W. Bush went to Camp David. Turns out the Clintons stole all that furniture too. Bill Clinton says he'll pay for everything he got at the White House — which is good news for Monica."
"Next week Antiques Roadshow is going to appraise the cast of 60 Minutes. And on West Wing, to reflect changing times, Martin Sheen hits his head in the tub and drops fifty I.Q. points. Law and Order has been cancelled. All the criminals were pardoned by Bill Clinton. On CSI, though, investigators track down a former President and First Lady who looted the White House."
"Tonight we have Kel Gleason, the second one kicked off Survivor. And the parade of losers continues."
"It's Groundhog Day. In Central Park the groundhog stuck his head up and saw two homicides. Before the groundhog comes out, he tosses out his gun. In Washington Dick Cheney saw his shadow. It startled him, and he had a mild heart attack."
"George W. Bush says he doesn't watch tv. That's because Clinton stole the White House satellite system. Bush is reaching out to the Democrats. He asked Joe Lieberman to help him with his taxes. The only time Clinton ever reached across the aisle was to grope a flight attendant."
"The New York City murder rate is up. Thank God we're out of that slump. But the subways are cleaner than ever. You can eat off the floor — which is what the rats are doing. And if you're shot, you're responsible for cleaning up your own pool of blood."
"What I like about George W. Bush is that he has a nickname for everybody. 'Hey, Lucky,' he'll say. He calls Joe Lieberman 'Shecky.'"
"Remember when Clinton used to chase that heavyset girl around the office? Now he has a new office just a few blocks from us. It's between a Wendy's and a Hooters, so he's all set. There's a sign in the lobby: 'All wives must be announced.' It's in the Hump Tower on 57th Street. He can see the East River, the Hudson River and Hillary coming."
Dave to Keanu Reeves, who starts out as a jerk in his latest movie. "Was it fun playing a jerk in a film? I play one on tv."
New Books:
O, The Book Version of the Magazine Version of the TV
Show by Oprah Winfrey
The Beatles Anthology II: An Anecdote Ringo Just Remembered and Another
Photo of George
Call Me Jolly Once More and I'll Snap Your Neck by Al Roker
Sesame Street: Killing a Drifter Is Easy as 1-2-3
Baby Names for Your Lovechild by Jesse Jackson
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"They're
getting ready to clone humans. Didn't that experiment back in the 60's with
the Osmonds show that this isn't the way to go?"
"There was a shooter on the White House lawn today. The Bushes wanted to barricade themselves behind the furniture, but the Clintons had taken it all."
"Celine Dion just had a baby produced from her husband's frozen sperm. And my wife hates it when I get into bed with cold feet."
"They say the new XFL isn't professional. Those cheerleaders looked like pros to me. This is the first sport where a groin pull involves a cheerleader. There were so many cameras on the field you actually felt you were a part of the excruciating boredom. One nice thing, now L.A. has a losing football team again. The L.A. quarterback is a lot like Kobe Bryant. He doesn't know much about passing the ball either."
"Hugh Hefner, 75, has seven girlfriends, one for each night of the week. Someone should tell him, they're nurses."
"George W. Bush is proposing a $1.6 trillion tax cut. That's enough to pay the rent on Clinton's new office for three months. Bush attended a prayer breakfast. Everybody prayed Dick Cheney lives four years."
"Bill Clinton just gave his first speech for $100,000. It's nice that now he's the one making money by just opening his mouth. He's on a speaking tour across the U.S. — or as he calls it, Temptation Continent. After his first speech he tried to take the podium home with him."
"Hillary Clinton has stopped wearing makeup. She's just trying to disguise herself after stealing all that stuff from the White House."
"Bush is making everyone in the White House take drug tests, and he passed one himself. It's nice to have a President unzipping his pants for good, rather than evil."
"California is getting electric power from Mexico. You have to boil it first."
"That guy in England who had the first hand transplant had to have it amputated, because his body rejected it. The hardest part was waving goodbye."
"It's sweeps again. ABC just ran When Animals Attack Hookers."
"There was an earthquake in Las Vegas today. It knocked Siegfried off Roy."
"A&E did a biography of Jesus, which suggested he may have been married. Don't you feel sorry for his wife's second husband? 'Jesus could turn water into wine.' And what was it like when he was dating? 'Sheesh, he thinks he's God's gift to women!'"
"The drummer of KISS has left — you know, the mandatory 65 retirement age."
"Britney Spears and Bob Dole are doing a Pepsi commercial together. That's creepy, a 17-year-old virgin and an old guy on Viagra."
"The father of one of those escaped convicts is being accused of providing the getaway vehicle. I couldn't even get my dad to loan me the car for the prom."
"Regis has found a replacement for Kathie Lee. Frank Gifford is still looking."
"Anna Nicole Smith said at one point she suspected her 90-year-old husband was seeing someone else, but it was just the coroner."
"A judge ruled that calling a woman 'Monica Lewinsky' implies oral sex. B.J. Thomas said, 'Tell me about it.'"
"Jennifer Love Hewitt made an interviewer feel her breasts to prove they're real. You know, we really should have her back on the show."
"McDonald's is opening a restaurant inside Disneyland. Now they have to add an eighth dwarf: Pimply."
"February is Black History Month. Jesse Jackson's wife told him, 'You're black. You're history.'"
"It turns out Al Gore and Bill Clinton had a big fight a few weeks ago. Gore got so mad he refused to help Clinton carry out the dining room table."
"You know that doctor who's been prescribing coffee enemas? Don't try it. Your ass is up all night."
"They're starting to combine country and rap. In the songs you lose your job, wreck your truck and go out and pick up some ho."
"In New Mexico they're considering pardoning Billy the Kid. I didn't know he gave money to Clinton."
"Somehow smugglers snuck a three-ton elephant into Mexico right past customs. Hillary Clinton says she knows how that sort of thing can happen. Hillary has quit wearing makeup. Sheesh, even Janet Reno puts that black stuff under her eyes to go out in the sun."
"On Groundhog Day in New York the groundhog crawled out of his hole and the Giants crawled in."
"Good Morning America is going to show a live birth. It's 'Must C-Section TV.'"
"They're sending out invitations for contestants for the next Temptation Island. On the outside they say, 'You may already be infected.'"
"Kimmi on Survivor 2 complains there's no place to pleasure herself, Hmph, where does she get off? She was able to eat a worm the fastest. She got a congratulatory call from Bill Clinton."
"Anna Nicole Smith says she and her 90-year-old husband were very passionate in bed. Sometimes she'd bang her head against the headstone. She claims she didn't marry him for his billion dollars, but the wedding invitations were a little suspicious: 'Funeral immediately following the ceremony.' Anna Nicole stormed out of court today. I guess she saw a hearse going by."
"Here in California we're saying it's better to light a single candle than curse the power company. You know, they should put a revolving door on the border to generate energy when people sneak in from Mexico."
"George W. Bush attended his first Cabinet meeting, and Dick Cheney even let him touch the thermostat."
" John Ashcroft was confirmed as Attorney General, and he was so happy he almost danced in the aisle. He had to take a drug test, and he leaned so far to the right he missed the cup."
"In Huntington Beach a naked man broke into two homes. It's tough going from President to private citizen in one day. Clinton's new office in New York is on the 57th floor. By the time Hillary gets up in the elevator, he can have his pants back on."
"Puff Daddy has O.J.'s attorney. What he needs is O.J.'s jury."
"Saturday night you can watch the new XFL and America's Most Wanted. Then if you recognize one of the players, you can call in and make some money."
"Walking three to four hours a week can help cure cancer. That's the new Republican health plan. 'Walk it off.'"
"Prunes are now being called 'dried plums.' And hot dogs are 'tubular rat hair canisters.'"
You know that psychic tarot card reader? For $3.99 a minute she'll uncover all your secrets. How dumb do you have to be if you don't already know your own secrets. 'You're cheating on your boyfriend.' 'Yes! That's right! Thank you!'"
Monday Night Headlines:
Ad: "Lean Ground ??? $2.79/lb."
Ad: "Ultra Tide with Bacon."
Photo of a woman "on her 1,000th birthday."
Headline: "Schaap Pens Own Autobiography."
Ad: "Inconvenient location."
Headline: "Drinking while intoxicated is a crime."
Ad: "We put the 'ho' in the holidays.
Weddings: Grow - Horne, Inus - Flusker, Bush - Thrashey, Comer - Wonderlick,
Beaton - Hoff, Rumph - Byrnes
*****
This Month's Best Book (Order at 20% Discount from Amazon.com):
The
Truth by Terry Pratchett.
Pratchett's novels have sold 20,000,000 copies. This one is
about the discovery on the Discworld of the printing press. Here are some
more quotes:
"In dealings with the dwarfs, I have seen to it that the hand of friendship is permanently outstretched in a slightly downward direction."
William stepped forward at a healthy fraction of the speed of terror.
Foul Ole Ron usually just stands there until people give him something to go away.
There was Arnold Sideways, whose lack of legs only served to give him an extra advantage in any pub fight, where a man with good teeth at groin height had it all his own way.
They respected the fact that Gaspode had the sharpest mind of the lot and never drank anything that corroded the container.
Mr. Pin had followed Mr. Tulip through the city's art galleries. It had been an education, mostly for the curators.
If Mr. Tulip's body was a temple, it was one of those strange ones where people did odd things to animals in the basement, and if he watched what he ate, it was only to see it wriggle.
"And now this meeting of the Committee to Unelect the Patrician is declared closed. And hasn't happened."
"Oh, no. Dwarfs are very law-abiding and respectable,
in my experience."
William now realized that he was talking to a girl who had never been in
certain streets when the bars were closing.
"'A fine display of Loose Stool Covers.'"
William carefully changed this to "Loose Covers for Stools."
*****
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"Rent Out of Shape: Clinton's New York office is
going to cost the taxpayers $650,000 a year. This office is not the kind
of crap Jimmy Carter builds."
"Advanced Ginger-itis: Ginger is some sort of personal mobility vehicle, and you can buy it on Amazon.com, even though they won't tell you what it is or how much it costs."
"Fox Birth Control: The Fox network has kicked a couple off Temptation Island because it turns out they have a kid, inspiring Fox's next show, Extreme Background Check Island. Fox also refused to accept an ad for Encare, a female birth control product. 'Take your cursed spermicide to Antiques Road Show. You're not welcome here.'"
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Hugh
Hefner announced he has seven women, one for each day of the week. For
Hef, every day is hump day."
"I understand why the Clintons took the White House couch. Otherwise, Bill has to sleep on the floor."
"Regis has found a replacement for Kathie Lee. The new co-host said, 'I've got some tough shoes to fill — shoes that were made by underpaid Honduran children'."
"George W. Bush announced his Education Reform Plan. He said, 'I don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.'"
"Sharon became Prime Minister of Israel in a landslide. The Palestinians picked up the pieces of the landslide and hurled them back at the Israelis. And the loser, Barak, said, 'I should never have picked a Jewish running mate.'"
"The XFL is debuting on NBC and claims to be rougher than the NFL. The only way they can be rougher than the NFL is to murder people right there on the field."
"Wes Craven was invited to film Bill Clinton's last day in office. It'll be called I Know Who You Did Last Summer."
"Swiss students attacked a McDonald's. Yes, they cut off Ronald McDonald's McNuggets."
"On Survivor 2 they caught a contestant masturbating. He said he was just polishing the old immunity item."
Guest Dolly Parton: "My clothes are peek-a-bootique. I'm Park Avenue in a trailer park."
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"Tom
Cruise and Nicole Kidman have split. No word on who gets custody
of the publicity. So now Hollywood's most stable relationship is me and
Fabio — fifteen long years.
On the breakup Tom Cruise said,
'I'm so happy I feel three feet tall."
"Jack Nicholson is said to be taking Viagra. It must be true. At the Lakers game he was courtside — while standing in the parking lot."
"There was a live birth on Good Morning America. The baby was voted out of the uterus."
"I'm coming down from last night's show with Farrah Fawcett. I'm a little disoriented. You know what it's like waking up in a strange bed in the morning."
"News Flash: Craig Kilborn was picked up at 3 a.m. near a palatial movie-star home. He explained he was just going out for more whipped cream."
"Voters in the Israeli election were confused by a butterfly ballot that let them choose between war and war."
"Alan Greenspan — turn down that man charm, moneybags, you had me from hello."
"In a country whose currency is one letter away from rubble, Vladamir Putin wished happy birthday to Boris Yeltsin and told him, 'You don't look a day over dead.'"
"This year Wolfgang Puck will serve veal at the Oscar dinner to symbolize the industry's practice of mistreating young performers and then spitting them out while they're still young."
Reporting on an interview he did for Gear Magazine: "My favorite pop star is the straight guy in 'NSync. The one place I'd rather be is at the ballet with binoculars, checking out the packages. The weirdest thing I ever put in my mouth was my Mom's nipple. I still can't look her in the eye."
"Some pranksters dangled a VW Beetle off the Golden Gate Bridge. Hi, Herbie, how you hangin'? Also dangling was Woody Harrelson, who in some way was promoting the use of hemp."
"Michael Jackson was seen buying $200-worth of children's magic tricks — or as we call it, 'Exhibit A.'"
"We have forty armed guards in the studio tonight — to make sure no one leaves."
"In Alien 5 Sigourney Weaver is going to take on her biggest enemy — her agent."
"Bill Clinton is changing his legacy from philanderer to kleptomaniac."
"The day Bob Marley passed away is a day his fans will never remember."
*****
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:
"Good
Morning America is going to show a live birth. Good morning,
America, goodbye breakfast. They're going to have live cameras near Dallas,
Boston, Houston and Jesse Jackson."
*****
More Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:
|
Fierce
Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. I love his
use of language, such as "a meal so greasy you have to tie it to your teeth
to chew it," and "the Hallways of Always."
The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club. The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton is the current selection of the S.F. Chronicle Book Club. (Go to www.sfgate.com and type "book club" in the "Jump to" box.) Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin The Beatles Anthology by The Beatles. Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko tell all. Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it? |
|
*****
P.J. Corkery, San Francisco Examiner:
"Churchill was right when he said our nations were separated by a common language. Two beuts from a Brit weightlifting commentator and a soccer broadcaster: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.' and, 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it — you can see it all over their faces.'"
Feb. 7: "HOT DENIAL: Strange de Jim called in right away to say, 'I'm not the cause of the breakup. Nicole and I, and Tom and I, are just good friends.' Something like that is the strange de truth about Kidman and Cruise ..."
Feb. 8: "Flash from Strange de Jim: 'Tom and Nicole split to date Anne Heche — who, though DeGeneres to a fault, has no Cruise control whatsoever. And I'm not Kidman.' With those two, any which way is news, Strange de J ..."
*****
Tom Fitzgerald Top of the Sixth, San Francisco Chronicle:
Fox Sport Net's Jay Mohr on the enormous Ravens defensive tackle Tony Siragusa: 'The guy can put his hands in his pockets when he's naked.'"
*****
Hercule Poirot: "Please do not
fraternize with him. I'm still training him."
Capt. Hastings: "He's only a parrot."
Poirot: "I was talking to the parrot."
*****
Product of the Week: Placenta Helper.
*****
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Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Nicholas Cage and Penelope Cruz mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
|
Stomp is shaking up
The Marines Memorial
Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See
the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time
usher.
Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
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*****
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
 |
Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
 |
*****
 |
My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
|
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*****
Just remember:
| Meditate, Appreciate. |  |
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
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And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
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