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The Just Plain Strange Column:
3/9/01 |
DICK CHENEY A LEMON
Dave, Jay, Conan and Craig were all in reruns this week. Their jokes are from the end of last week. Only The Daily Show was live.
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"Can Stop the Music: Metallica celebrated a kick-ass
music copyright infringement victory. It's now official. It's the record
companies that hold the patents on cheating musicians out of money." Nancy
Walls: "Right. If you want to enjoy other people's music without paying for
it, you have to download it into your pocket while your boyfriend distracts
the clerk." Jon: "Isn't that shoplifting?" Nancy: "File downloading." Jon:
"What if I don't want to shoplift?" Nancy: "You might grow some balls. Or
just stay the record company's bitch."
"Talibanned: We've overlooked Afghanistan's cruelty to women and harboring of international terrorists, but now they've started destroying statues, and it's not so funny anymore. The soldiers were all giggling as they shot the statues in the groin."
"The KKK adopts a highway, but the joke is on them. It's black."
Correspondent Steve Carell on Dick Cheney's heart attack: "I know potheads who miss less work. Dick Cheney is a lemon. We got rooked."
Mo Rocca defending people hoarding gourmet food for the so-called Storm of the Century: "Clearly you've never been housebound without toast points for your foi gras."
"Seattle had an earthquake on the one day it wasn't raining."
"This week Survivor suddenly introduced a whole new tribe, The Medics. They even have a helicopter, which gives them an unfair advantage."
Jon to guest Carmen Electra, who's a dominatrix in her new movie: "If you think I'm asking too many questions, you can tell me I'm naughty."
"Dr. Feelgreat in Birmingham, Alabama, claims to have a pill, the Polycure, that will heal anything." [Clip of the inventor saying he himself feels thirty years younger: "I don't need Viagra. All I need is a skinny bony female."]
Guest Martin Short: "I'm a big, big fan — mainly of your early work."
Guest Ed Burns: "The last time I saw you,
were you married then?"
Jon: "No. I'd ordered her, but she hadn't arrived."
*****
David Letterman on The Late Show:
"The 50th Miss USA Pageant
was hosted by William Shatner. Set your phasers on creepy. The talent competition
was the best part. Miss New York broke into a Lexus with a wire hanger. Miss
New Jersey showed how to start a fire for the insurance, and Miss Florida
looked through her bikini for Al Gore ballots."
"The murder rate is way down in New York. I think it's the harsh $50 fine. The Times Square Digital Murder Clock? You have to stand there ten minutes before it changes. I think murders are underreported. For instance, if you're murdered in Central Park, your body will be buried by packs of wild dogs, and no one will ever know."
"They say Bill Clinton is feeling alone, isolated, bitter. It's like I have a twin! He can't even get a lunch with CBS President Les Moonves. That joke was just for me. Clinton's learning how to be a civilian, like how to use an ATM. That's smart. You don't want to use a check to pay for a hooker."
Top 10 Things Heard in a Meeting with CBS President
Les Moonves:
3. "Hey, that's funny. Can I give it to Bette?"
1. "You got a problem with me?"
Guest Martin Short:
"You look so wonderful. Have you had another bypass?"
At age 13 Martin had a bump on his deal. Afraid to tell his parents, he put
industrial solvent on it and got a huge rash. "The doctor said, 'That's the
most frightening thing I've ever seen, and the rash doesn't
help.'"
*****
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
"Eminem
still says he had no idea Elton John was gay. I believe him. I
mean, if he doesn't even know he himself is white ... Ru Paul said
to Eminem, 'It's our tenth date, and I have to tell you
something."
"Michael Jackson suffered a minor injury at home. I guess he fell off a minor. He broke his foot, which, unfortunately, was his last remaining original body part. He can't perform for awhile. What do you call a Jackson who can't perform? Latoya."
"Hillary's other brother Tony Rodham got pardons for two people who ran carnivals. In Arkansas carnivals are the high tech industry. Clinton didn't get any money for the pardon, but he did get to meet the fat lady."
"Hillary got some good news today. It turns out she doesn't have any more brothers."
"In England a Rolls Royce blew up because of a defect. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was grey poupon everywhere."
"After the earthquake in Seattle, Microsoft is coming out with Shattered Windows 2001. The quake was a 6.8, which is higher than the XFL ratings."
"Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor, is being divorced, and his wife is taking half. That would be 7-1/2 minutes of fame."
Hannibal de Cannibal
Jokes:
Hannibal Lecter invited Hugh Rodham over so he could
chew the fat. What does Hannibal call Al Gore? A square meal. Tommy
Lee? A foot long. Jehovah's Witnesses? Home delivery. Britney
Spears? Dinner at Hooters. His stomach after eating Tonya Harding?
A white trash compactor. Somebody who falls into the fire on Survivor?
An Outback Steakhouse. A circus tightrope walker? A well balanced meal. Hannibal
rides with the fire department when he's too lazy to cook. What did he say
when he ate Monica Lewinsky? 'That went down fast.' How does he like
Connie Chung? With plum sauce. Why won't he eat Ben and Jerry?
They go straight to his thighs. What's his idea of a romantic dinner? Eating
Johnny Mathis."
"Researchers say William Shakespeare may have smoked dope. It turns out it was, 'Doobie or not doobie.'"
"Roger Daltry of The Who turned 57. Now when he sings 'We Won't Get Fooled Again,' he's talking about con men who prey on the elderly."
"A New York court found in favor of Wonder Bra in its suit against people making Wonder Pants on the same principal. In your butt do you really want more cleavage?"
"Michael Nader of All My Children was arrested for selling $20-worth of cocaine. Sheesh, that's not even enough to get you a walk-on on Ally McBeal."
"In Pittsburgh two teachers were arrested for trading grades for groceries, with students who worked in grocery stores. What happened to the good old days, when you just traded grades for sex?"
"On the Soul Train Awards Puff Daddy won for Best Alibi, and Toni Braxton got Best Use of Duct Tape."
"There's a worldwide breast implant shortage. One restaurant has had to change its name to Hooter."
Guest Chris Isaak talked about his mom appearing on his new tv show. Then he said, "There's nudity on the show." Jay: "Not your mom!" Chris: "No, no. Try as she might."
*****
This Month's Best Book (Order at 20% Discount from Amazon.com):
The
Truth by Terry Pratchett.
Pratchett's novels have sold 20,000,000 copies. This one is
about the discovery on the Discworld of the printing press. Here are some
more quotes:
Fire was always the terror in those parts of the city where wood and thatch predominated. That was why everyone had been so dead set against any form of fire brigade, reasoning — with impeccable Ankh-Morpork logic — that any bunch of men who were paid to put out fires would naturally see to it that there was a plentiful supply of fires to put out.
Old Mr. Hardy decided to light a cigar and forgot that he was bathing his feet in turpentine. Apparently someone had told him this was a cure for athlete's foot and, in a way, they had been right.
It would have been as likely as cows singing "Let Me be Covered in Rapturous Gravy."
Mr. Tulip was beginning to worry now. This was unusual. In the area of worry, he had tended to be the cause rather than the recipient.
"Of all the boneheaded, stubborn, self-centered,
arrogant —"
"But you make up for it in other ways," said Otto.
"I meant my father."
"Oh."
Wizards doing odd things wasn't news. Wizards doing odd things was wizards.
A few barrels smashed, filling the gutter with suds. The others, thumping and banging into one another, became the focus of attention of every upright citizen who could recognize a hundred gallons of beer which suddenly didn't belong to anyone anymore and was heading for freedom. The odd scream suggested that thirsty people seldom realize how hard it is to stop a hundred gallons of beer in a big oak cask when it's on a roll.
*****
Conan O'Brien on Late Night:
"Jennifer Lopez isn't going to testify. Instead, Puffy
will sample testimony from other artists."
"There was a shooting in New York involving the posse of Lil Kim. They may all do a lil time."
"There's trouble in the White House. Bush's daughter Jenna had the Secret Serviced bail her boyfriend out of jail. Bush said she shouldn't have involved the Secret Service. 'A real man would have had his father fix it for him.'"
"Big earthquake in Seattle. On one block alone more than 400 Starbucks were destroyed."
"CNN wants to attract younger viewers, so from now on, instead of callers, Larry King will take Ecstasy."
"In New York 47% of those polled would like Bill Clinton as Mayor. Oddly enough, they're the same 47% he pardoned."
"An Australian lesbian won a court case against a butcher who gave her a bone carved into the shape of a penis. Afterwards she said, 'Do you mind if I keep Exhibit A?'"
*****
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:
"Earthquake
in Seattle. Thirteen people were injured when they were thrown from Courtney
Love's bed."
"The guy on Survivor who killed the pig fell into the fire this week. Pig lovers call it 'Porky's Revenge.' The burning sensation made him feel like he was on Temptation Island."
"George W. Bush watched the Miss USA Pageant. He thought it was a great way to learn the names of all the states."
"Siegfried and Roy just signed a new contract. They work together even though they're of different sexual orientations. Siegfried is gay, and Roy is really really gay. They've had more work done than the Sistine Chapel."
"Lauren Bush, George W's niece, is modelling in Milan. She received a congratulatory call from the President — Bill Clinton."
"Shall I compare thee to a fat bong hit? Scholars dug up old marijuana pipes at Shakespeare's home. 'To be or not to be' makes sense now."
"Whitney Houston got a restraining order against a stalker. If he gets within fifty feet of her, he'll get a pretty good buzz."
"A man is suing a restaurant because he found a human tooth in his breakfast biscuit. The waitress said, 'Didn't you order al dente?'"
"Michael Jackson broke his foot in a freak accident. Though, technically, any accident involving Michael Jackson is a freak accident."
*****
More Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:
|
Fierce
Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. I love his
use of language, such as "a meal so greasy you have to tie it to your teeth
to chew it," and "the Hallways of Always."
The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club. The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton is the current selection of the S.F. Chronicle Book Club. (Go to www.sfgate.com and type "book club" in the "Jump to" box.) Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin The Beatles Anthology by The Beatles. Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko tell all. Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it? |
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*****
Don Johnson Flap:
There's a big flap in San Francisco over the way Chronicle columnists Matier and Ross handled the story of an unidentified woman who filed a police report accusing Don Johnson [Nash Bridges] of coming on to her in a sushi restaurant. The Chron refused to run a full-page ad by Don rebutting the charge and pointing out the sloppy reporting in the Chron's coverage, so Don ran the full-page ad in Friday's Examiner.
Says Examiner columnist P.J. Corkery: "Personally, Johnson is miffed, though it is not reflected in the ad, at what he sees as a personal betrayal by [Chron Editor and Sharon Stone's husband Phil] Bronstein. Before Sharon came on the scene, Phil and Don were two tight tomcatters around town. But Sharon's a take-charge girl. When she and Phil became the Fun Couple, she took hold of Phil's little black book and did a little editing of her own. Most of the banished were women friends, but Sharon also cut Johnson out of editor Phil's life. And now he can't even buy an ad in Phil's newspaper. Fortunately, San Francisco is still a two-newspaper town."
In Friday's "The In Crowd" column in the Chron, Leah Garchik says of the possibility of erecting statues of local stars, "... perhaps friendly Nash Bridges with a female fan.
*****
George Carlinisms Sent by Ace Photographer Rick Mariani:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
*****
P.J. Corkery's Column, San Francisco Chronicle:
"Two customers at Buchanan Grill, one says: 'I married an angel.' "You're lucky,' says his companion. 'Mine's still alive.'"
"And then there was the customer to bartender Peter Ruero at Delaney's on Chestnut: 'I married Mrs. Right — but I didn't know her first name was Always.'"
"Finally, a man drinking alone at the Marina Lounge muttered: 'I haven't spoken to my wife in eight weeks — I didn't want to interrupt her.'"
"Tom Poston noted the church in marvy Marin so posh that at communion, they offer a wine list."
*****
The Simpsons:
Mother: "Are you watching naked ladies on the internet
again?"
Middle-aged Son: "No, Mother."
Mother: "Sissy!"
Marge: "You're not my Homey!"
Fake Homer: "We will go out for a sensibly priced meal and then have
efficient German sex."
Marge: "Well, I don't feel like cooking."
*****
Adam Ferrara on Comedy Central:
"Sex is important to men. We need stories to tell our friends."
"In the middle of sex this girl had an asthma attack, and I thought I was a god."
"I have the ability to have sex with no emotional involvement whatsoever. It's a gift. All guys have it."
"It's easy to attract women: 'Shoe sale! Shoe sale!'"
*****
Allen Wells on Comedy Central:
"I go out of my way not to treat women as objects and end up having to treat objects as women."
*****
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Late Night With Conan O'Brien shows the child that would result if Antonin Scalia and Katherine Harris mated. Conan says, "We here at the show possess computer technology so sophisticated it could be used to help cure cancer or bring about world peace, but we're using it for this." |  |
*****
How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:
|
Stomp is shaking up
The Marines Memorial
Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See
the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time
usher.
Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668. |
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*****
And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.
*****
All-Time Favorites:
 |
Stranger
in a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein
Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin |
 |
*****
 |
My book Visioning shows how to
"manifest" your wishes into reality. .
Here's the
entire text,
available free.
One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.
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*****
Just remember:
| Worship at the church of your choice. | 
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And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.
Or to E-mail me.
Love,
Strange
sdej@aol.com
© 2000 by Ash-Kar Press
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