/ Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail

Jokes from David Letterman, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, Conan O'Brien, Craig Kilborn and Others The Just Plain Strange Column: 4/27/01

DEAD AIRLINE PASSENGER

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Continental is being sued by a family that had a dead guy next to them on a flight. He'd used his frequent flier miles to upgrade from cargo."

"George W. has been in office a hundred days. His accomplishments so far? He's given nicknames to everyone on Congress and had Billy Crystal to the White House for dinner. Oh, and Bush is having all the sex scenes removed from movies shown on Air Force One — so Dick Cheney won't have another heart attack."

"It was so hot today Puff Daddy shot up a Ben & Jerry's. It was so hot he changed his name from P. Diddy to P. Sweaty. It was so hot I saw a squirrel in a fountain in Central Park soaking his nuts. It was so hot Bill Clinton went into that bar in Chappaqua and said he wanted something cold, and the bartender said, 'Go home to Hillary.'"

"Bill Clinton's alone every night in a bar in Westchester. It's like I have a twin. The more he drinks, the more every woman looks like Paula Jones."

"Al Gore has gained forty pounds. He got on the scale and demanded a recount."

"The Supreme Court says you can be ticketed and incarcerated for minor traffic infractions. In New York that means you can now get a ticket for hit and run."

"Yesterday was Earth Day, or as George W. Bush calls it, Sunday. He celebrated by drilling for gas in the Rockies."

Guest Billy Crystal:
"It's good to lay out from hosting the Oscars. Like you did it, Dave."
Dave: "I liked this baseball movie you directed. I especially liked Mickey Mantle throwing up in a bucket."
Billy: "It's a musical."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Eminem is going to appear nude in the centerfold of a British magazine. After that he'll have to quit claiming he's black."

"Robert Downey, Jr. was given a tote bag and a box of chocolates for his one millionth arrest. People try to help him, but it goes in one nostril and out the other."

"That Chinese pilot who rammed our spy plane said he was just imitating a stunt he saw on MTV's Jackass."

"Did you hear about that guy who died on a plane? The weird thing is that the movie was The Sixth Sense, and the passengers were all going, 'We see dead people.'"

"Bush has been in office a hundred days. He said, 'Gosh, has it been a year already?'"

"We're selling scaled-back weapons to Taiwan — like a spy plane with its nose broken off."

"A meteor landed in the Middle East. Even God is throwing rocks over there."

"Britain is banning human cloning, calling it a scary procedure that shouldn't be practiced — like dentistry."

"Jane Fonda has officially filed for divorce from Ted Turner. It turns out she caught him working out to another woman's video. Actually, she found Jesus, and Ted couldn't stand the idea of a man better than he is. Jane has left Ted to be with her loved ones, the North Vietnamese."

"Joan Collins is dating a guy thirty years younger. Actually, he's carbon dating her."

"San Francisco is going to pay for city employees who want sex changes. Remember when people just left their hearts in San Francisco? The city will save money though. After they change a man to a woman, they only have to pay her 75% of what he was making. The HMO version is a sock to stuff down your pants and a remote control. 'OK, you're a guy.'"

"It was so hot today I was sweating like Miss France trying to hide her Adam's apple. (There's a rumor she's a man)."

"This is National Turn Off Your TV Week. NBC is doing its part by airing the XFL. After the game looters broke into stores and returned XFL merchandise."

"There's rioting in Quebec, a French word meaning Cincinnati. American flags made in Mexico are being burned in Canada, so I guess this free trade thing is working. Bush is leaving the conference. He was voted the weakest link. Goodbye."

"A 24-year-old woman claims she's pregnant by O.J. Simpson. Once again, O.J. forgot the glove. Good luck on the DNA matches. We tried that once before. What kid wouldn't want O.J. as a dad? You could get away with murder."

"On The Weakest Link they keep getting rid of the dumbest person. It's the reverse of our Presidential elections."

"In New Jersey they have female prisoners answering the tourism hotline. Can't you hear them? 'What's your address, and exactly when will you be out of town?' They tell you about New Jersey, and for $2.99 a minute they'll tell you what they'll do to you when you get there."

"They're testing a new Viagra nasal spray on dogs, because dogs are what men act like. Great. We haven't cured cancer, but we know how to get our dogs to hump our legs for ten hours straight."

"Kids are getting the e coli bacteria at petting zoos. They're petting the wrong end of the animal."

"There's a nationwide shortage of nurses. This could devastate the porn industry. Nurses and pizza delivery guys."

"A study shows cheap beer has led to an increase in gonorrhea. Cheap Beer and Gonorrhea — wasn't that the title of Tonya Harding's autobiography?"

"Al Gore has gained forty pounds. He's going to get followers through sheer gravitational pull."

"Monica Lewinsky says that if it hadn't been for Bill Clinton, by now she's be married and have two kids. Come on! Monica as a mom? She can't even get the stains out of her own clothes."

"George Lucas says the next Star Wars movie will have more romance. Less Wookie and more nookie."

"Ricky Martin is going to appear in a London stage version of Zorro. That's the way to dispel those gay rumors, run around in a Zorro outfit."

"In a study men said the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. If that were true, wouldn't Victoria's Secret be selling Wonder Glasses?"

Guest Mark Gross:
"I saw a blind man rent a porno video. He must really like bad music."
"Say what you want about crackheads; when they're desperate for a fix they're great workers."
"A man's best friend is a dog. A woman's is a diamond. Hah, if you throw up, will a diamond lick it up off the carpet? If you spread peanut butter all over your body ... Well, never mind that one."
"I happened to be waiting in a v.d. clinic, and saw a sign that said, 'If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' Well, life hadn't given us lemons, so apparently life wanted us to make crab cakes."

Guest Tom Cotter:
"I had a lazy eye as a kid, and it gradually spread to my whole body."
"They say you should exercise to increase your heart rate, but I can do that with porno and cocaine."
"On my sixteenth birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed."
"My ex is going to have a kidney transplant, but I'm not worried. Her body has never rejected an organ."
"Did you ever hear somebody say, 'He's down on himself?' Lucky him."

Monday Night Headlines:
"Roof of Dependable Construction Collapses."
"Tight End Returns After Colon Surgery."
On the back of a matchbook from a funeral home: "Thanks for smoking."

*****

More Fine Literature at Big Discounts from Amazon.com:

Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. I love his use of language, such as "a meal so greasy you have to tie it to your teeth to chew it," and "the Hallways of Always." The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club.   Shopgirl: A Novella by Steve Martin Natural Blonde by Liz Smith: Tell-all by New York's leading gossip columnist To-Do Lists of the Dead by Jonathan Katz Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade and Other Essays by Bruce Vilanch is an hilarious work from Hollywood's leading gag writer Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling. What good's a bandwagon if you don't jump on it?

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Piece Be With Your: A man named John Snyder wants St. Gabriel Sossetti to be Patron Saint of Handguns. Stephen Colbert: "If Jesus had had a handgun, do you think he might have won?"

"Big Trouble in Little China: The U.S. is selling weapons to Taiwan, and mainland China says, 'We'll cry all the way to our confiscated spy plane.' The outdated weapons will come in handy if Taiwan is attacked by Thebes or Sparta."

"Rich Man, Richer Man: Bill Gates was knocked out of the spot of richest man in the world by Wal-Mart heir S. Robson Walton. While selling Windows is good business, selling Big Mouth Billy Bass is great business."

"Days and Confused." Story on Bush's first hundred days in office.

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"The National Forest Service is changing Smoky the Bear's slogan from, 'Only you can prevent forest fires,' to, "Does this hat make me look gay?'"

"George W. Bush is in Quebec for the Trade Summit. He got off to a bad start when he pulled out his baseball cards. So far 63% of the voters approve of the job Bush has been doing. The other 37% are English teachers."

"Rapper Old Dirty Bastard has been convicted on drug charges. In prison his name will be Sweet Young Bitch."

"It runs out Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger still have sex even though they're divorced. And Keith Richards and his wife still have sex even though he's dead."

"Amber, the attractive brunette from Survivor says she'll pose for Playboy if the price is right. They're offering her three cups of rice. Meanwhile, Survivor host Jeff Probst is said to be having an affair with contestant Jerri. She's the only one to get off while still on the island."

"There's a rumor that Miss France in the Miss Universe Pageant may be a man. Her bathing suit had a little Eiffel Tower. She apologized to the other contestants for forgetting to put the toilet seat down."

"Michael Jackson has been dropped by his management company, which also handles The Backstreet Boys. Apparently, Michael also wanted to handle The Backstreet Boys."

"This Sunday is the XFL $1,000,000 game between San Francisco and Los Angeles. The Mayor of San Francisco is wagering a big bucket of Who Cares, and the Mayor of L.A. is betting a case of Who Gives a Crap."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Miller Beer is doing openly gay ads. The guys are using coasters."

"Eminem pleaded no contest in a Michigan court. If he screws up again, he could be sentenced to eight to ten appearances on Ally McBeal."

"Robert Downey, Jr. has been arrested again and fired from Ally McBeal. His role will be taken over by Keith Richards. Downey could be sentenced to thirteen episodes of Judging Amy."

"One of the members of Motley Cru is getting divorced. He wants to start blacking out with other women."

"On this date in history Pioneer 3 left the solar system — followed closely by Farrah Fawcett."

"Bolivia, the West Virginia of South America, is starting a Cocoa Leaves Project. Bolivia: come for the cocaine. Stay for the cocaine."

"When Bush was told he'd been in office a hundred days, he said, 'I can't believe it's been a whole year.' He received a congratulatory letter from President Cheney."

"Wrestler Chyna is being considered to play Wonder Woman — which makes sense, because when you look at her you wonder if she's a woman."

*****

Dirty Blonde:

Claudia Shear plays Mae West from youth to old age, as well as a female fan of Mae's in this astounding three-person play at Theatre on the Square. Among the many lines I liked were:

"A tough girl makes things stand that never had any feet."

Judge: "I'll charge you with contempt."
Mae: "But, Your Honor, I'm doing my best to hide it."

"But do blondes prefer gentlemen?"

"Tequila, the heroin of alcohol."

Man: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
Mae: "I don't know, but it saves a lot of time."

*****

How to Entertain Guests in San Francisco:

Beach Blanket

Stomp is shaking up The Marines Memorial Theatre. 1-877-771-6900. See the show free by calling and volunteering to be a one-time usher. Beach Blanket Babylon has been running for twenty-five years. It's pure San Francisco. Don't miss it. 415-421-4222. The newest local sensation is Teatro Zinzanni, "An Evening of Love, Chaos & Dinner." It's vaudevillian dinner theater in a tent at Pier 27/29. Rave review in the Chronicle, semi-rave in the Examiner. Tickets $125, excluding drinks and tip, 415-438-2668.

Stomp Teatro Zinzanni

*****

And you might enjoy Herb Caen's Strangest Items.

*****

All-Time Favorites:

Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein Young Einstein, video, written, directed by and starring Yahoo Serious More Tales of the City video, written by Armistead Maupin

*****

My book Visioning  shows how to "manifest" your wishes into reality. . Here's the entire text, available free. One thing I manifested was hundreds of loving gorgeous new best friends who'd offer, "I'll cook you dinner if you'll give me a Strange massage." Here are pg-rated photos of a few of the hundred friends pictured in The Strange Experience, which is available through Amazon.com.Now I'm envisioning the whole world discovering the secret of True Love. You owe it to yourself to enjoy Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy.

*****

Just remember to

Worship at the church of your choice.

And don't forget to e-mail your favorite celebrities.

Or to E-mail me.

Love,

Strange

sdej@aol.com

© 2001 by Ash-Kar Press

Top of Page / Menu of Columns / Enjoy 3 Strange Experiences / Offer the Strange Column on Your Site / E-mail