April '03 Strange's Late-Nite-TV Zingerwinners

Wednesday, April 30, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "It's Central Park's 150th birthday. They've been pruning, mowing, painting and sandblasting. I'm sorry, that's Joan Rivers' 150th birthday."
2. "Gen. Jay Garner is now running things in Iraq. Al Gore couldn't even get that job."
3. "Evidently Saddam Hussein is still alive. He faxed a London newspaper to complain about the picture of him on the Iraqi deck of cards. They know it's current, because he mentioned Madonna's guest shot on 'Will and Grace,' and he wished Bob Hope happy 100th birthday."
4. "More good news. After 25 years hookers are back on the streets in Baghdad. Do you really want a hooker who was working 25 years ago?"
5. "Hillary Clinton's new book is 600 pages. It's almost heavy enough for her husband to date."

Jay Leno:
1. "You know that billboard outside our studio, 'Live Nudes?' Turns out it's an ad for Southwest Airlines."
2. "Survival supply stores are making lots of money. Losing the most money are kissing booths in Chinese carnivals."
3. "Because of SARS the Great Wall of China is being fitted with a sneeze guard."
4. "The World Health Organization assured the world again today that SARS is not terrorist related. That's comforting. It's not Al Qaeda trying to kill us. It's Mother Nature."
5. "In Iraq American GIs were beaten at soccer by a group of Iraqi kids. But the kids knew about our strategy from Geraldo."
6. "Beauty products for women are now available in Baghdad. Top seller is a shampoo Jihad Your Hair Smells Terrific."
7. "President Bush wants billions for Iraq. What happened to all the money we just gave the government April 15? Does someone at the Treasury Department have a gambling problem or something?"
8. "Cuba is back on the U.N. Human Rights Commission. That's like having Michael Jackson chaperone the Vienna Boys Choir."
9. "Hillary Clinton's new book will talk about Monica Lewinsky but won't air any dirty laundry. Hillary wouldn't even know about Monica if it weren't for dirty laundry."
10. "Ratings for Monica's show 'Mr. Personality' fell 29% from the first week. Even her ratings go down. She may have to get a desk job."
11. "In Italy a court ruled that it's not sexual harassment for a man to pat a woman's buttocks 'impulsively.' Now guys will work for six months on their impulsive pats."
12. "A Florida woman stabbed her son in the buttocks when he wouldn't get out of bed to go to work. I'll bet he got his ass out of bed this morning."
13. "A man in Great Britain committed suicide by drilling a hole in his head with a power drill. I wonder if he wore his safety goggles."
14. "The number one draft pick for the Detroit Lions tested positive for drugs. Wouldn't you take drugs if you were drafter by the Detroit Lions?"
15. "More women believe in ghosts than men. They've had experience. They have sex with a guy. They turn around, and he's vanished."
16. "It turns out dogs can sniff out prostate cancer in humans. And you thought your HMO was bad."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I went to the Erotic Bakery today and got something that really turned my lady on — a cake in the shape of my wallet."
2. "Porno tapes are once again available in Baghdad — which my explain why those guys were stealing all those couches and tvs."
3. "Amtrak is being released from federal government control. Now the states will have to run trains off bridges themselves."
4. "There was a 4.5 earthquake in Alabama, a tragedy. It'll spawn at least 10,000 country and western songs."
5. "Widow of Opportunity: A study shows men die five years earlier than women. Men gladly accept death the 500th time their wives say, 'Honey, we have to talk.''
6. "Jack of Too Many Clubs: Jack Osbourne has checked himself into rehab. Who could have seen that coming? He knew he had a problem when he had a conversation with his father and it made perfect sense."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Al Pacino and Winona Ryder are dating. Pacino says they're not dating. He just has to study criminals for an upcoming role."
2. "The Alabama Legislature voted to keep its ban on sexual devices, including vibrators. Police pull over any woman with a big smile on her face."
3. "The Federal Trade Commission says 2/3 of spam has false or misleading information. Thanks for nothing, penis extender."

Jon Stewart:
1. ""The Real Cancun.' Everybody thought it would clean up at the box-office. It tanked. It turns out people are willing to pay up to, but not more than, zero for reality entertainment."
2. "Magical Victory Tour: Rumsfeld flew to Baghdad for a victory lap. He's a wonder. Is there anything this man can't bomb?"
3. The Israeli - Palestinian Conflict: "The U.S., the U.N., the European Union and Russia are creating a Roadmap for peace. Four groups that no longer get along are trying to bring peace to two groups that have never gotten along, one of which is Jews, who, frankly, even fight among themselves."

Tuesday, April 29, Winner Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Yesterday was Saddam Hussein's birthday, and the Pentagon says they think he's still alive. They saw a clown and a stripper going into a bunker."
2. "Colin Powell said we have no intention of invading Syria or Iran. Donald Rumsfeld snorted, 'Like he'd know!'"
3. "An earthquake shook the South. No one was injured, but it set off thousands of mounted singing fish."
4. "Fox aired 'Michael Jackson's Home Movies,' and it did very poorly in the ratings. Michael said, 'Of course. They ran it at 8:00, and no one I know stays up that late.'"

David Letterman:
1. "This SARS is awful. Tom Ridge, head of Homeland Security, says you should duct tape your nose."
2. "An alligator was captured in Central Park. The police said it was cooperating and providing valuable information. It was four feet long. We have rats bigger than that."
3. "Tomorrow President Bush will declare the war in Iraq over. So now he can concentrate on squandering his high approval rating."
4. "You know that guy who was claiming to be the Mayor of Baghdad? Sean Penn."
5. "Hillary Clinton has finished her 600-page memoir about her years in the White House. That's pretty good for someone who never seemed to know what was going on there."

Jay Leno:
1. "This SARS is scary, and now there's a new worse strain, SARS with MSG."
2. "Saddam Hussein turned 66 yesterday, and three women jumped out of his cake — the Dixie Chicks."
3. "They say Saddam is alive. He was smuggled out in a couch by looters."
4. "Bush says he's afraid Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Well, it worked for the Republican Party."
5. "'Hustler' is willing to pay $1 million for photos of the First Daughter nude at a party at Yale. The Bushes are so embarrassed. They raise their daughter right, and then she turns out to be a Democrat."
6. "Southwest Air is changing its slogan after those two nude pilots. 'We love out fly, and it shows.' ... 'This is your pilot streaking.' ... 'Out landing gear is always up, if you know what we mean.' ... "Dude, we're nude.' ... 'Would you care for some warm nuts?'"
7. "Hillary Clinton's book will be out June 9, and in it she discusses how her marriage works. So apparently it's a mystery. The original title was 'On Top of Everything but My Husband.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The good news is that Michael Moore is downplaying his antiwar views. The bad news is he's posed nude on the cover of 'Entertainment Weekly.'"
2. "The least money making job: Asian hot dog vendor at a Blue Jays game."
3. "The World Health Organization has this advice on SARS — panic."
4. "Here are a bunch of cops in a donut-eating contest for charity. Next week, the minority beating competition."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Wall Street firms settled for defrauding customers by paying $1.4 billion. However, that was spread among ten firms, and only half of it was fines, so crime does pay. It's like you mug somebody and get $100, and they catch you and say, 'You have to give a dollar back.'"
2. "QOPS: The U.S. is still rounding up Saddam Hussein's henchmen."

Monday, April 28, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan is in reruns Mondays.)

Jay Leno:
1. "This SARS is scary. Now they're saying don't even play Chinese checkers. One city closed down its karaoke bars, so some good has come out of all this."
2. "Two Southwest pilots were fired for being naked in the cockpit. Their lawyer said they were just showing support for the Dixie Chicks."
3. "President Bush is coming to California to meet with Governor Gray Davis and come up with the worst economic plan ever."
4. "Our soldiers coming home are having to make that big adjustment from driving those huge tanks to driving their even bigger SUVs."
5. "Iraq is mad because we didn't keep their museum safe. If they wanted it safe, they should have built it next to an oil well."
6. "A Fox engineer is in trouble for trying to smuggle works of art out of Iraq, and Geraldo Rivera is in trouble for trying to smuggle pictures of himself into Iraq."
7. "It's Saddam Hussein's 66th birthday. He could use a couple new palaces and half brothers. Some say he's gone from being this super rich dictator to driving a cab in Baghdad. It's the M.C. Hammer story all over again."
8. "Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History' will be in stores in June. The original title was 'Why the Hell Do We Even Own a Bed?'"
9. "Police arrested Scott Peterson for murder. He asked his lawyer what he should do, and the lawyer said, 'Win a Heisman.'"
10. "O.J. is going to have his own reality show, 'Joe Killionaire.'"
11. "Monica Lewinsky has her own show on Fox. Just when you thought she couldn't get any bigger. It's called 'Mr. Personality.' The original title was 'Meet the Tonsils.'"
12. "There's a new cell phone that's also a vibrator. There's one Verizon commercial you don't want to miss. 'Can you feel me now?'"
13. Headlines: "Board meets today to decide what it did yesterday." A man stole two books on ethics. Ad for 'genital riding horses." A power outage caused cancellation of three performances of "Wait Until Dark." On medicine bottle: "Apply to fece every day as needed." Story about something that happened "a billion or more years ago Central Standard Time." Story about a baby: "She was born nine months premature." Story about a man who chopped off the tip of his thumb. Then, when he was showing his boss how he did it, he cut off his entire index finger. Headline: "Hooker called to active Marine duty." Headline: "Balls of champions to be auctioned."

David Letterman:
1. "On the way up Broadway tonight my cab driver jumped out and turned himself in to the Coalition."
2. "My Uncle Earl turned up as the six of clubs in that Iraqi deck of cards."
3. "China says they can't contain SARS. They can't even contain the lobster sauce in those little containers."
4. "O.J. says he won't do a reality show. He'll do double homicide, but he won't do a show on Fox."
5. "A Southwest flight attendant goes into the cockpit, and both pilots are naked. They're fired, of course. You know what their excuse was? 'Hell, we were drunk.'"
6. "Today is Saddam Hussein 's 66th birthday. He celebrated with a few close friends in Hell."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush today, saying he's ruined the economy. Sharpton hasn't been able to find a job — in 46 years."
2. "A janitor's wife had a baby in a supermarket. The janitor handed out cigars saying, 'Cleanup on aisle six.'"
3. "The creator of 'Hee Haw' has died. He's survived by his wife/sister and their five slow kids."
4. "Hillary Clinton has finished her book, in which she says her marriage has never been stronger. Bill Clinton is putting the finishing touches on his book, 'Chicks I Banged While Hillary Was Writing Her Book.'"
5. "Saddam Hussein is 66 today, but he can take a roof falling on his head like a man half his age."
6. "American Hot Wax: Brad Pitt now has a statue in the Wax Museum in London. It has a butt visitors can squeeze. George Michael has a statue that squeezes itself. Pitt's statue's face is so realistic you'd swear it's David Spade."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Syria has come in for some severe saber rattling by some of the hawks in the Bush Administration, known collectively as the Bush Administration." Jon quoted one hawk, "whose views are just a wheelchair away from Dr. Strangelove."
2. Jon then chaired a debate between President George W. Bush and candidate George W. Bush from the year 2000. Jon would ask a question. President Bush would make a statement. Candidate Bush would then say the exact opposite. Jon: "Strong words from two very different men."
3. "Cock Pit: Two Southwest pilots were fired after a flight attendant found them nude when she was delivering paper towels to the cockpit. She swore they'd been fully clothed only a few minutes earlier when she'd delivered lotion and a copy of 'Sky Mall Magazine.'"

Friday, April 25, Winner Jay Leno
(Jon is off Fridays. Dave is in reruns this week.)

Jay Leno:
1. "The Dixie Chicks are naked on the cover of 'Entertainment Weekly.' They're so naked you can see their Dixie cups. President Bush says after looking at the pictures he doesn't think they're natural blondes."
2. "Two Southwest pilots were fired for being naked in the cockpit. Now our pilots are drunk, carrying guns and naked. One pilot says he spilled coffee on his pants and took them off. But why was the other guy naked? The only people not upset were the male flight attendants. I feel sorry for the pilots who have to sit in those seats on the next flight."
3. "Airline passengers are being checked for SARS. Suddenly those cruise ships with diarrhea don't seem so bad."
4. "Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania compared homosexuality to bigamy, adultery and polygamy. He's tried them all and found them similar. He thinks the only thing a man should put in his mouth is his foot."
5. "A college girl raised $4,500 on the internet for breast implants by promising donors would get pictures of her new breasts. How can Save the Children compare with that. A picture of little Timmy vs. a picture of Crystal's new chest?"
6. "The Texas Legislature voted to allow horsemeat to be sold to foreign countries for human food. The vote was 83 aye to 53 neigh."
7. "O.J. Simpson may do the commentary for the Robert Blake trial. It'll be nice having someone who can report the trial from the murderer's point of view."
8. "There's a new cell phone that's also a vibrator. Talk about a hands-free phone! And you thought three-way calling was fun before."
9. "In Iraq they've found millions of dollars just hidden in trees, evidently by Keebler Shiites."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "North Korea announced they have nuclear weapons. President Bush says he'll need a few days to respond — I mean reload."
2. "A 420-lb. man is suing McDonald's because they refuse to hire him. Hey, a guy's gotta eat, and eat, and eat."
3. "Two Southwest pilots were fired for flying nude. Pilots are flying drunk with guns and naked. Who's flying our planes, Captain Rick James?"
4. "Did you see the refs at the Lakers game last night? Colin Farrell made better calls in 'Phone Booth.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Fifty years ago today Crick and Watson discovered dna — or as Bill Clinton calls them, 'the two guys who ruined my life.'"
2. "America's oldest person has died at 113. Police are questioning her fiercely competitive 112-year-old roommate."
3. "Alan Greenspan just underwent prostate surgery. The doctors said there was moderate growth in the past quarter, but not as much as expected."
4. "In New York a 75-year-old man was arrested for letting 12 prostitutes use his apartment. The police were alerted by his bumpersticker: 'Ask me about my 12 prostitutes.'"
5. Guest John Cusack: "This movie is about some people who get stranded together and then awful things happen — sort of like a talk show."

Thursday, April 24, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Dave is in reruns this week.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says he's willing to serve another term. He said, 'Where else could I get a job in this economy?'"
2. "John Tesh has a new national radio talk and music show. On the brighter side, North Korea now has nuclear weapons."
3. "A group wants to boycott any company that advertises on Monica Lewinsky's new tv show. The group consists of conservative Republicans and one Democratic Senator."

Jay Leno:
(The audience was all military personnel.)
1. A guy dressed as the Iraqi Minister of Information: "There are no military troops in the 'Tonight Show' audience. Now get ready to meet the sexiest person in late night, who is not my lover, Jay Leno."
2. Jay: "As the audience filed in tonight the two guys working in the 7-11 across the street surrendered."
3. "The hookers on Hollywood Blvd. have a special tonight: $100 for shock, $50 for awe."
4. "Did you see those soldiers who got arrested for stealing money in Iraq? If you're going to steal millions in a military operation you have to be a defense contractor."
5. "Saddam Hussein executed all his economic advisors. President Bush said, 'You can do that?'"
6. "In the home of that official they captured today they found a Barry Manilow album, which shows there was no limit to the torture this man was willing to inflict."
7. "Did you see all those people beating themselves, on their knees praying for forgiveness? Oh, I'm sorry, that was the Dixie Chicks."
8. "O.J. Simpson is getting his own reality show. I think it'll be called 'Blonde Survivor.' When the director yells, 'Cut!..."
9. "There's now a cell phone that's also a vibrator. How many car accidents will that thing cause? You no longer have to let your fingers do the walking."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Tonight for the first time there was a black person on 'Friends.' Millions of viewers called tv repairmen, thinking their sets were broken."
2. "The Dixie Chicks criticized the war and now are appearing nude on the cover of 'Entertainment Weekly.' Let's hope The Rolling Stones keep their mouths shut."
3. "There's now a combination cell phone and vibrator. You thought you couldn't get your wife off the phone before."
4. "More stealing in Iraq. Sam Donaldson was caught with a Persian rug on his head."

Jon Stewart:
1. "In our defense, those artifacts in the Baghdad Museum were 5,000 years old. The oil that we did protect was 65,000,000 years old. That was dinosaur poop!"
2. "SARS Attacks: In Toronto there are 124 cases, according to the World Health Organization." Stephen Colbert: "WHO?"

Wednesday, April 23, Winner Jay Leno
(Dave is in reruns this week.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Have you seen the video of that pilgrimage to Kabala? It's called 'Shiites Gone Wild.'"
2. "There was more looting in Iraq today, and that was just Fox News. One of their engineers was caught trying to smuggle Iraqi art. Let's hope his jury is as fair and impartial as Fox News."
3. "This SARS epidemic is awful. If you do eat Chinese food, be sure to wear a condom."
4. "Republican Senator Rick Santorum clarified his statement on gays. He said, 'I have no problem with homosexuals. I just have problems with homosexual acts.' Well, maybe he's doing them wrong. He's in trouble with everybody. With Mormons, because he compared homosexuality to polygamy. With Congress because he compared it to adultery, and with Arkansas because he compared it to incest."
5. "A pilot for Eagle was caught getting on a plane drunk. He said it was his first day carrying a gun, and he wanted to get his courage up in case he had to shoot anybody."
6. "Clairol has ads asking, 'What does your hair color say about you?' In Scott Peterson's case it says, 'Guilty.'"
7. "Did you see Monica Lewinsky on 'Mr. Personality.' She demonstrated that the camera does add 110 pounds. She was also a guest on 'Everwood.' Wasn't that her nickname for Bill?"
8. "They say Bill Clinton is going deaf. Have you seen his women? I thought he was going blind. He says he misses most being able to hear Hillary coming up the steps."
9. "I'm in favor of gay marriage. Then at least both people are excited about planning the wedding."
10. "Albinos say they're presented unfairly by the media. When are really white men going to get a break?"
11. "I think its ok California gave Mike Tyson a license to fight. If we can give Nick Nolte and Rodney King licenses to drive ..."
12. "There's a new cell phone with a vibrator. Gives whole new meaning to being 'on the phone.' And you don't want to know about star 69."
13. Bill Maher: "Complete destruction of Iraq and then rebuilding it in our image — in other words, Scientology." ... "England. It's great there's one country that has our back even when we're wrong. It's the, 'If you're taking heroin, I'm taking heroin,' kind of stupid unconditional love." ... "Coverage of the war was very balanced. We heard from generals and from retired generals."
14. Steve Marmel: "We should go into Iran. It's just one letter off. We can claim it was a typo."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "There's been no electricity in Baghdad for a week, and the people are getting angry. You'd be mad too if you couldn't watch your new stolen tv."
2. "The new album of 'American Idol' winner Kelly Clarkson has debuted at number one. And runner-up Justin has been promoted to Sneeze Guard Manager at Red Lobster."
3. "Rob the Casbah: Over $700,000,000 in cash has been discovered in Baghdad, and four American soldiers were arrested for trying to steal a million of it. Hope this theft doesn't give the Iraqis ideas. All the money has been taken to an undisclosed location where Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are playing the world's coolest game of Monopoly."
4. "No Face Time: Monica Lewinsky is on a new program with twenty men in masks. Couldn't they have sprung for one more mask?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "A New York woman arrested for going topless in a protest parade has been awarded $10,000, because the judge ruled women have the right to walk around topless. Unfortunately, this was celebrated by a topless edition of 'The View.'"
2. "Four American soldiers in Iraq were arrested for stealing a million dollars. Fox immediately announced a new series, 'G.I. Joe Millionaire.'"
3. "There's now a chocolate candy that's a statue of Jesus. Just a few can feed thousands."
4. "Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen is opening a Science Fiction Museum in Seattle. It's the only museum in the country that won't need a girls bathroom."

Jon Stewart:
1. Showed the "New York Post," which had run a picture of Mr. Magoo and captioned it, 'Hans Blix."
2. "A Pennsylvania Senator is in trouble with gay groups for comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy and incest." Rob Corddry: "Jon, people completely misunderstood what he was saying. He was saying we should give polygamy and incest the same protection we give homosexuality. 'Stay calm. We'll screw Mom, and you can get used to that as well.' Remember, Jon, sexual deviants are Americas largest demographic. The shemale vote alone could have put Gore over the top in Florida. The Republicans always say they have a big tent. The Senator just wants to add an area behind the tent where you can have sex with a horse."
3. Lewis Black: "The war is over, so I ran around Times Square looking for a nurse to kiss. All I got was a faceful of mace and two tickets to 'Mama Mia,' and frankly I prefer the mace."

Tuesday, April 22, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Dave is in reruns this week.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "For Earth Day today Billy Joel drove an electric car into a tree."
2. "Bad news for Syria today. They struck oil."
3. "Madonna's new cd could be her biggest seller ever. It's called 'Buy This or I'll Make Another Movie.'"

Jay Leno:
1. "The 'Arab Times' said that in the headquarters of the Iraqi Secret Service they found posters of Sharon Stone and Harrison Ford in the lobby and George Michaels in the mens room."
2. "American troops found $700,000,000 in cash just in an ordinary building. I didn't know Baghdad even had a Starbucks."
3. "In San Francisco nude protesters used their bodies to spell out 'Make Love, Not War.' I was really impressed by the guy who was the capital 'E.'"
4. "Because of the poor economy plastic surgery is down 12% this year. So the economy could turn ugly."
5. "The #2 movie is 'Holes.' In Modesto they call it 'Scott Peterson's Alibi.' This guy had dyed his hair, was carrying $10,000 in cash, and had his brother's i.d. Or as O.J. would call it, totally innocent behavior. The guy had grown a goatee, planning to hide out in a boy band."
6. "A 71-year-old man was caught with 166 pounds of marijuana in his car. How slow was this guy driving?"
7. "A guy from Kenya won the Boston Marathon. In fact, only one American finished in the top ten, and he was driving an SUV."
8. "For his 77th birthday, Hugh Hefner took his seven girlfriends out to dinner. He thinks they're his girlfriends. Actually they're six nurses and a paramedic."
9. "Monica Lewinsky is hosting this reality show where a girl chooses from twenty guys in masks. I wore a mask myself, so no one would know I was watching this stupid thing."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Catherine Zeta-Jones gave birth to a baby girl today. And if she's anything like her mother, right now her future husband is in his mid-40s."
2. "Whitney Houston is playing herself on an episode of 'Boston Public,' and her boyfriend Bobby Brown is playing himself on 'Law & Order.'"
3. "Champion runner Carl Lewis was arrested for drunk driving. He was so drunk it didn't even occur to him to run away."
4. "Monica Lewinsky is on a new show where she interviews dozens of eligible bachelors who all wear masks — because they're so embarrassed to be on a show with Monica Lewinsky."

Jon Stewart:
1. "In Iraq hundreds of thousands of Shiite Muslims gathered in Karbala to cut their own heads open, a practice forbidden under that mean Saddam Hussein, and to chant, 'Death to America.' It looks like the new Iraqi government could be a Shiite theocracy, rather than democracy." Rob Corddry: "Don't worry, Jon, our God has won two out of two in the last century."
2. "The French Persistence: Carrboro, North Carolina, upset at French bashing, has declared April 'French Appreciation Month,' and it won't be long until the wily French turn our whole country red, white and blue."

Monday, April 21, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan is in ruruns Mondays. Dave is in reruns this week.)

Jay Leno:
1. "The Iraqi Information Minister announced he won the White House Easter Egg Roll."
2. "The Pentagon says it will be at least five years before Iraq has a government that can provide basic services. Just like our government here in Sacramento."
3. "In Baghdad they even stole all the animals from the zoo. How do you steal a bear? Do you tie a tricycle to the back of your car, and when the bear climbs on, drive away?"
4. "In Iraq they found $650,000,000 in cash in a cottage. The whole country is full of cash and oil. It's Republican Disneyland."
5. "Was Saddam Hussein's father in the NBA? How many half-brothers does this man have?"
6. "In all Saddam's palaces they've found mountains of porn — or as Saddam called it, weapons of mass turbation."
7. "President Bush is hosting his Yale class reunion at the White House. There's every C-student's dream, isn't it?"
8. "Scott Peterson was arrested. He'd dyed his hair, was carrying $10,000 in cash, and was a few miles from the Mexican border. That's pretty much the suspicious husband trifecta. In prison he'll find out if blonds have more fun."
9. "Because of this new disease SARS, Asian airlines are taking their passengers' temperatures. That security wand is a rectal thermometer."
10. "So 44 pilots can now carry handguns, but 2 pilots failed the psychological exam. So they can't carry guns. They can just fly airplanes, with people on them."
11. "Monica Lewinsky is hosting 'Mr. Personality,' where the guys' faces are hidden by masks. In her case the men's faces were hidden by desks."
12. "A study shows college girls talk about sex at least as much as college guys. They just tell the truth."
13. Headlines: "Poverty Rally Has Poor Turnout." Classified: "Small woman's chest $20." Headline: "Man demands cheap insurance at gunpoint." ... "Fred Goodjoint arrested for possession of marijuana." Chinese restaurant: "House of Poon."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I was switching between Monica Lewinsky on Fox and 'CSI Miami,' and I thought I saw the world's biggest chalk outline."
2. "Rodney King ran into a house at a hundred miles an hour. His lawyer is running the tape backwards to prove the house hit him first."
3. "The good news is a 17-year-old boy jumped out of a burning building and luckily landed on a trampoline. The bad news is that he then bounced off onto a priest."
4. "When told that rebuilding Iraq will take years of dedication and serious work, President Bush said, 'Hey, look over there at Syria.'"

Jon Stewart:
1. "Monica Lewinsky said she wanted her life back. Apparently she got it and then realized it sucked, so now she's back on tv, and Bill Clinton's on CBS. My mind is blown. No pun intended."
2. Stephen Colbert, embedded in Iraq, was taking notes on a piece of a 3,000-year-old urn he'd found outside a museum.
3. "Antiques No-Show: Some 5,000 years of priceless artifacts were looted from the Baghdad Museum. It's unfortunate that at the same time the museum was having an exhibit 'Hand Trucks and Dollies Through Time.'"

Friday, April 18, Winner Jay Leno
(All the others were in reruns.)

Jay Leno:
1. "It's the NBA playoffs — or as the Clippers call it, spring break."
2. "The Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn was sort of embarrassing today. Hans Blix was the only person who didn't find a single egg. Hans says he wants to go back to Iraq. He needs a big-screen tv."
3. "They say a lot of Syrians crossed the Iraqi border to fight against the Americans. They could have just stayed at home and waited a week."
4. "The Iraqi Minister of Information is dead. Apparently he choked on his own words."
5. "Virgin Air wants to start service London to Baghdad. That'll be great — British food and Iraqi hospitality."
6. "American Airlines flight attendants are having to give up $340,000,000 just to keep their jobs. So don't be pushy asking for extra peanuts."
7. "General Motors has a new policy where you can test drive a car and keep it overnight. I imagine they'll change that policy around the middle of prom season. 'What happened to the backseat?'"
8. "Bill Clinton is having to wear hearing aids in both ears. So maybe he really couldn't hear all those women say no."
9. "A 420-lb. guy is suing McDonalds because they turned him down for a job. He got so mad he went to the Oscars and said nasty things about President Bush."
10. "A 17-year-old boy in Pennsylvania jumped out of the third floor of a burning building and landed on a trampoline in the yard. They found him three towns over in a tree."
11. "Rodney King went house hunting today. He killed one. What does Rodney call a house with a big-screen tv? A drive-in movie."
12. "Yanni is battling depression. Of course he's depressed. He has to listen to that Yanni music."

Thursday, April 17, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan, Craig and Jon were in reruns.)

Jay Leno:
1. "It's the season of miracles — Passover, Easter, and next week there's going to be a black person on 'Friends.'"
2. "Good news. Iraq has announced it will stay open during remodeling."
3. "The Iraq Minister of Information called a press conference today to announce that he is definitely dead."
4. "The Pentagon announced we still have a lot of ammo left. Bad news for Syria. Syria is an Arab word meaning, 'Next!'"
5. "Special Forces captured another big terrorists, but three countries want him. Let's just send a piece of him to each of them."
6. "Another of Saddam's statues was toppled today. Rodney King crashed into it. Rodney ran his SUV into a house at a hundred miles an hour. It was the first time a traffic accident involved a house not being driven by Tonya Harding. You know what the family that lived there said when it happened? 'Rodney King in the house!'"
7. "Bill and Hillary Clinton are both writing their memoirs. Isn't it amazing they're each being paid millions of dollars to write about events they couldn't remember under oath."
8. "There's a new airline so cheap the pilots have to buy their own liquor."
9. "A 420-lb. man is suing McDonald's because they won't hire him. He says, 'Hey, I'm here eight hours a day anyway.'"
10. "In Germany a huge pile of porno magazines was discovered in the woods. They were found by a troop of boy scouts — three years ago."
11. "A Boston teenager's life was saved when a bullet hit his cell phone. Of course he wouldn't have been shot at if he hadn't been talking on it in a movie."

David Letterman:
1. "Saddam's three ex-wives are hiding out in Syria. So that's one place we don't have to look for him."
2. "Special Ops forces have rescued an American League umpire."
3. "It was so beautiful in New York today I saw an Al Qaeda operative switch from a suicide vest to a suicide tank-top."
4. Guest Brian Regan: "The people I really feel sorry for are Arab Americans who sincerely want to get into crop dusting."

Wednesday, April 16, Winner David Letterman
(Conan, Craig and Jon were in reruns.)

David Letterman:
1. "It's a gorgeous spring day. I went through Central Park, and there was the first robin, building a nest out of duct tape."
2. "You can tell the war is nearly over. ABC is airing 'Dick Clark's Rockin' Downfall of Baghdad.'"
3. "There's still some confusion in Iraq over democracy and free elections. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Florida."
4. "Happy Passover. Every year Mom prepares a Seder dinner, and every year I have to tell her, 'Mom, we're not Jewish.'"
5. "I won't get to be with Mom at Easter this year. She's still embedded with the 101st Airborne."

Jay Leno:
1. "It looks like the war is almost over, and 71% of the American people support President Bush, so he's delighted. It only took him 49% to win the election. Now people want Bush to forget about war and focus on the economy. You know who really wants that? Syria."
2. "Iraqis sat down today to figure out the new government. They would have sat down yesterday, but looters had stolen all the chairs."
3. "They say in Iraq now there are bribes, people putting their relatives on the payroll and dealings under the table. Already they have an American-style democracy."
4. "The Iraqis can't jump all the way to a full democracy. They should start them out slow. First have them vote for the contestants on 'American Idol,' then work their way up to electing a government."
5. "French President Cheroc called President Bush today to see what role France can play in rebuilding Iraq. That's why France was originally called Gaul. France is like the guy who won't help you move and then wants to come over and watch the game on your big-screen tv."
6. "The alert level was lowered everywhere but in L.A., where it went up to red. Not terrorists. Rodney King is back driving again. He crashed an SUV at a hundred m.p.h. into a house. It's nice to see that after all these years he's still got it. But one more drunken driving incident, and they'll make him a commercial airline pilot."
7. "Another umpire was attacked by a fan. That's not fair. With their poor eyesight you know umpires can't pick suspects out of lineups."
8. "Rodney Dangerfield came out of brain surgery today, and he's going to be fine, but the doctors say they can't do anything for Carrot Top."
9. "Monica Lewinsky is going to be on a reality show called 'Mr. Personality,' where she advises women on how to pick men, but all the men have masks on. Who better than Monica to advise on how to pick a man without seeing his face?"
10. "Because of this horrible SARS disease Hong Kong had to change its slogan: 'Hong Kong will take your breath away.' Here are some of the new slogans they're considering: 'Solving the overpopulation problem one case at a time.' ... 'Under every face mask, a smile.' ...' 'Home of the bottomless cup of phlegm.'"

Tuesday, April 15, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan, Craig and Jon were in reruns.)

Jay Leno:
1. "It's tax day, when every American wishes he were an illegal alien."
2. "Bush says it's not paying taxes. Your bank account is just getting liberated."
3. "Today we get to deal with our two favorite organizations, the IRS and the Post Office. So I just went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to finish the thing off."
4. "Iraq — or as the Pentagon calls it, The Gateway to Syria."
5. "Today on tv I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a Republican Guard all working together — to cart off a big-screen tv."
6. "In Saddam's son's palace they found he had his own private whorehouse. Never let a bachelor decorate."
7. "The cable channels got huge ratings for the war at first, but then it fell off. That's because most of the early viewers were Iraqi soldiers, tuning in to Geraldo to find out American troop positions."
8. "Another suicide driver in the news. Rodney King drove his SUV at a hundred miles an hour into a house. He said it wasn't his fault. He tooted his horn. He'll be starring in 'Bringing Down the House 2.'"
9. "The Utah Supreme Court says atheists can pray in public. To Who?"
10. "Now 'All My Children' is going to have the first daytime lesbian kiss. What exactly is a daytime lesbian? And what do they do when the sun goes down?"
11. "They're now making grills that plug into your dashboard so you can cook in your car. How fat are we going to become?"
12. "Animal rights activists are protesting the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Naked women are going to run through the streets in protest. Yeah, that'll keep the guys away. You don't want to get gored by a 36-D cup."
13. "Next week there's Take Your Daughter to Work Day — unless you work at the Augusta National Golf Club."

David Letterman:
1. "Last night's audience was rough. As they were leaving they toppled my statue."
2. "It's springtime in New York. At lunch I was driving by Cornell University Hospital and saw all the heart patients out front having a smoke."
3. "In one of the Iraqi palaces they found a private zoo, prozak and pictures of naked women. It was just like Michael Jackson's place — except for the naked women."
4. "They found tequila, viagra and prozak, which is pretty much how I got through the shingles."
5. "Iraqis need to be taught how to act. You can't go out rioting and looting — unless, of course, your team just won the championship."
6. "It's tax day, and the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, have a special. For an extra $50 they'll handle your extension. God, I love that joke every year."

Monday, April 14, Winner David Letterman
(Conan, Craig and Jon were in reruns.)

David Letterman:
1. "I spent the weekend watching tv - golf and looting. I haven't seen so much merchandise going out of stores since ... well, Winona Ryder."
2. "In Baghdad today they toppled a statue of Sean Penn. Our troops have found torture chambers, nerve gas, all-male country clubs ..."
3. "The Army announced today that they're going to get Saddam Hussein tomorrow night — when he goes out to mail his taxes."
4. "Now President Bush says Syria has weapons of mass destruction. I wonder where he's heading with this one."

Jay Leno:
1. "I bought a table and four chairs on e-bay for $12.50 today from some guy in Baghdad."
2. "Bush says he's been mispronouncing Iraq. It's actually pronounced Syria."
3. "France, Germany and Russia held a summit today to discuss their roles in rebuilding Iraq. If one country knows about rebuilding after losing a war, that country is France."
4. "In Saddam's son Uday's palace they found porno, Cuban cigars and photos of Bush's twin daughters. Oh wait, that was Bill Clinton's apartment in New York."
5. "One of Snoop Dogg's seven bodyguards got shot. Snoop said he hadn't been expecting trouble. Then why did he have seven bodyguards? One day you're Snoop Dogg. The next day you're in the pet cemetery."
6. "The Baseball Hall of Fame isn't going to have a ceremony for the 15th anniversary of the movie 'Bull Durham,' because the stars, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, have an antiwar stance. Tim said he didn't know baseball was a Republican game. Well, all the players are millionaires, so that's Republican. But there are a lot of switch-hitters who scratch themselves, so that's Democratic."
7. "And bad news for Pete Rose. He bet on Iraq."
8. "Today I did my taxes and watched a movie at the same time — at H&R Blockbuster."
9. "A woman in Florida gave birth to a 13 lb. 6 oz. baby. When her water broke she drowned three orderlies."
10. Headlines: "Monkeys Escape, Half Captured in Time for Dinner." Church bulletin: "The desire to touch women for Christ will remain constant." Ad for "American bulldogs — very large Johnsons." "Bill would enable blind people to hunt with crossbows." Ad: "Cupid has left some last-minute stool samples." Weddings: Green-Akers, Fore-Wheeler, Butz-Brown, Medo-Janet, Dunn-Hoin, Lets-Skinner, Loh-Wong,

Friday, April 11, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Jon is off Fridays. Dave was in reruns.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "After the damage done this week it could take millions of dollars and several years to rebuild Cher."
2. "In dividing up Iraq, we get unleaded; the British get leaded, and the French get the restrooms."
3. "The Detroit Tigers are 0 for 8. One player went to scratch his crotch today and lost it in the sun."
4. "A 65-year-old Indian woman has given birth to a baby boy. His first words? 'No breast feeding!'"
5. "We may kill Saddam a couple more times over the weekend just for fun."
6. "Hock the Casbah: There's looting in Baghdad. Hey, guys, you're supposed to wait until the Lakers win."
7. "An Illinois teacher took his 7th graders to Hooters. That's not so bad. In Colonial Williamsburg there's a woman who churns butter really fast while eating a banana."
8. "Tuesday is tax day. Good news for our audience. Your applause can be deducted as a charitable donation."

Jay Leno:
1. "Have you done your taxes yet? Did you know that all the money Americans make from the time they go to work in the morning until lunch goes to the government? So I go to lunch at 10 a.m."
2. "And you want to avoid red flags that will make the I.R.S. audit you. Like still having money in the bank after you've paid your taxes. That's a red flag."
3. "Welcome to our new Iraqi viewers who are watching us for the first time on the tv sets they stole. Iraq went from shock and awe to loot and scoot. And wait 'til the oil companies get there. Then you'll see some looting."
4. "President Bush saw to it that all the celebrating Iraqis were given absentee ballots from Florida for the next U.S. election."
5. "Al Gore was going to Baghdad to support the troops, but then he saw what they do to statues."
6. "Haiti has now sanctioned Voodoo as a recognized religion. Here voodoo is our economic plan."
7. "A professor at the University of Kansas is in trouble for showing x-rated videos in his class. And his class was algebra."
8. "Another school teacher is in trouble for taking his seventh grade honors students to lunch at Hooters. He said for any other restaurant they'd have had to cross a busy street. If they're honor students, wouldn't you think they could cross a street?"
9. "7-11 is introducing its own private label beer. It's called "Don't Shoot!" It's domestic, because the only thing in a 7-11 that's imported is the guy behind the counter."
10. "A woman just gave birth to a 13-pound 6-ounce baby boy. Ouch! The kid will be walking before the mother is."
11. "Anna Nicole Smith has lost 185 pounds. Her trainer quit. She does a hundred crunches a day, but they're Nestles."
12. "A woman sued and was just paid $6,000 for a bad haircut. Wow, Matt Lauer must be going to get a fortune."
13. "Fox TV is going to show 'Michael Jackson's Private Home Movies,' or as they were originally called, 'Spongebob Nopants.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Iraqi looters are breaking into banks and coming out with millions of dollars in Iraqi currency. So now they qualify for Bush's tax breaks."
2. "Ralph Lauren is coming out with $350 cashmere sweaters for little kids — so people in the Middle East can remember why they hate us."
3. "One of Saddam's palaces that we seized has 64 bathrooms, so it's becoming Baghdad's first Taco Bell."

Thursday, April 10, Winner Jay Leno
(Dave was in reruns because of the golf tournament.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Did you see those Iraqis tearing down Saddam's statue? Hard to believe he got 100% of the votes in the last election. Voters are so fickle."
2. "You know the last thing Saddam said to his sons? 'I told you we should have used the drive-thru window.'"
3. "Did you see the looting? They go first for tvs and couches. All a man needs."
4. "Barbara Bush yesterday said she keeps asking herself, 'Is this the same kid I used to spank?' The weird thing is she was talking about Donald Rumsfeld."
5. "The Lakers beat the Mavericks for the 25th straight time in L.A. The Dixie Chicks said they were embarrassed the Mavericks are from Texas."
6. "Hillary Clinton hasn't finished her book yet, but she put out a children's book in the meantime: 'Clinton Hears a Ho.'"
7. "In Germany an elderly man met a young woman in a bar, and his false teeth fell into her cleavage — or as Anna Nicole Smith calls it, foreplay."
8. "A 65-year-old woman in India gave birth yesterday. The kid looked just like his father — bald, no teeth and wearing diapers. The mother could bounce the kid on her knee and breast feed at the same time."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Have you seen the new reality show starring Saddam Hussein? 'Joe Millionpieces.'"
2. "Bill Clinton's publisher is mad at him for not having his book finished, but every time Hillary comes into the room Bill changes his story."
3. "In spite of that mystery disease the Rolling Stones played Singapore. The disease caught the Stones and died."
4. "It turns out Calvin Kline has a family history of drug problems, so maybe the trouble is in Calvin Kline's genes."
5. "In Arkansas police arrested a man who'd broken into 14 homes and stolen nothing but women's panties. The panties were all returned to their rightful owner, Tom Jones."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The U.S. soldiers in Iraq say they've been inspired by letters from schoolchildren. Yeah, and then it turned out the letters are from President Bush."
2. "The good news is that a 65-year-old woman in India has become the oldest woman ever to bear a child. The bad news is that she's breast feeding. Yogurt comes out."
3. Guest Adam Sandler: "On our honeymoon we're going to recreate the first time we had sex. Yep, I'm gonna drug her."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Somewhere in Iraq is a sculptor who worked very hard on that statue of Saddam Hussein."
2. "One of the Navy's dolphins in AWOL, missing and presumed frolicking."
3. "Squid Pro Quo." (About a giant squid caught off Antarctica.)
4. "President Bush delivered a speech today on what had been Iraqi tv, letting all Iraq know they'd been liberated — or this was the worst Saddam double yet."
5. Guest Dennis Miller: "That Saddam statue going down looked like a narcoleptic hailing a cab." ... "The Cartoon Network already has a show 'Kukla Fran and Chemical Ali.'" ... "No one wants war, but at some point you gotta circle the SUV's." .. "The Iraqi Information Minister just signed on as Michael Jackson's new publicist." ... "I took a tour of the UN today, and even their guidebooks are spineless."
6. Lewis Black on Hooters Air: "An airline is a bold venture for a company that hasn't even mastered the simple sandwich."

Wednesday, April 9, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Our troops took over Baghdad yesterday, and the Iraqis were looting and running wild — or as we call it in L.A., NBA Championships."
2. "Iraqis love freedom — free tvs, free stereos. They were dancing in the streets. What they need more than food and medicine is dancing lessons."
3. "There are still people fighting though — Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon."
4. "Even if Saddam is still alive, we have all his palaces. Now let him see how Republicans treat the homeless."
5. "Did you see the looting? We haven't seen looting like this in a Presidential residence since the Clintons left he White House."
6. "Police in India arrested a swami who was telling women that letting him massage their breast would help them get pregnant. Well, it's certainly a start. I think he just wanted to play hide the swami."
7. "GM is now letting people who test drive their cars keep them overnight. Is this a good idea? If I buy a new car I don't want to know another guy spent the night with her."
8. "An Oklahoma couple finally got married after living together for 77 years. Their song? 'Dust in the Wind.'"
9. "Did you read about that college for prostitutes? What's their spring break like?"
10. "Last night was 'Cher's Farewell Tour.' Then her next body will have a tour."
11. "Hugh Heffner is 77 today. At last he's at an age where it's normal to walk around in your pajamas all day."
12. "Michael Jackson is putting out feelers to sell Neverland for $20,000,000. It's ironic, the last time he put out feelers it cost him $20,000,000."
13. Iraq's Information Minister said that statue of Saddam was simply taken down for routing maintenance."
14. On Jaywalking Jay asked a young woman, "Where do they speak Gaelic?" Her guess: "San Francisco."

David Letterman:
1. "It was so cold at Yankee Stadium yesterday, guess who threw out the first pitch? Ted Williams."
2. "The good news is, Iraq is ours. The bad news is, Iraq is ours. Now we have to rebuild Iraq into a strong independent state that will hate us."
3. "Iraq's Minister of Information didn't show up for his press conference today, but he said he did and that it went well."
4. "It was a hundred degrees in Iraq today, and even hotter where Saddam is."
5. "They pulled down a giant statue of Saddam, and it landed right on Geraldo."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "On tv I was watching an old statue fall and break into a thousand pieces, and then I realized on her farewell special Cher tripped."
2. "Bill Clinton was nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down."
3. "A man was arrested for scalping Kenny G tickets. He was sentenced to life in an elevator."
4. "With the war over it could take weeks to find new reasons to hate the French."
5. "Did you see the Iraqis pulling down that huge statue of one of Saddam Hussein's doubles?"
6. "Its the 50th anniversary of 'Playboy.' Did you realize you can go back in the archives and find the exact Playmate your grandfather was imagining when he created your dad?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Kurdish minority in Iraq is so happy they're dancing in the streets. They've even released a vide, 'Kurds Gone Wild.'"
2. "Coalition forces destroyed the restaurant in which they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Sadly, it was the only Planet Hollywood still making money."
3. "A Bronx schoolgirl brought a loaded 22 to school. Bronx school officials immediately sent her home for something bigger."
4. "Michael Jackson is trying to sell Neverland Ranch for $8,000,000 more than it's worth. The extra $8,000,000 pays for having the whole place boiled."
5. Guest Dennis Miller: "Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, I don't know what makes suicide bombers tick. It must be the 72 virgins they're promised in Paradise. But you know, about 10 virgins in I bet they wish they had a pro." ... "The U.S. is the most loved and hated country in the world. We're Frank Sinatra."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Tug of War." Showed Saddam's statues being pulled down by ropes in Baghdad. Then showed Iraqis looting, carrying off chair after chair from an office building. "Apparently the first problem after liberation is seating. They're looting, just like we do. They're not so different from us after all."
2. Now we must be magnanimous in victory, gracious and courteous hosts. Don't make us bomb you."

Tuesday, April 8, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "It was 85 in L.A. today. I was sweatin' like Peter Arnett at a VFW convention."
2. "The U.S. tried to bomb Saddam and his two sons in a restaurant. Today the restaurant owner was selling pieces of Odai and Quasi on E-Bay. He's renamed the restaurant Crater Vic's."
3. "The experts say we'll be able to tell if a corpse is Saddam, because we have some of his DNA. So I guess Monica Lewinsky works for the CIA."
4. "Saddam had a 40-foot statue of himself. Donald Trump saw it and went, 'Hmm, I wonder how much that would cost.'"
5. "Ford and GM are cutting thousands of jobs. The good news is they're all in Canada and Mexico. We lost those jobs years ago."
6. "Hillary Clinton, you remember, got a $2,8 million advance for her book, and she finally has a title: 'Once He Went Fat, He Never Went Back.'"
7. "Vatican City just had a four-day symposium on pedophilia. It was close, but they finally voted against it."
8. "On his web site Michael Douglas is asking people to vote on his best quality. I'd say it's his wife."
9. "The fad now is wearing t-shirts with your area code. You can tell a lot about people. For instance, if a woman has a 900 number."
10. "It turns out a woman's perfume can make a man think she's thinner. So will a six-pack."
11. "The Netherlands now has a school for prostitutes. I feel sorry for the girls who can't get in."
12. "They're already filming a sequel to 'The Phone Booth.' This one's scarier. He's called by a telephone sales lady from MCI."

David Letterman:
1. "The Iraqi Minister of Information says Saddam isn't dead. He's just out with the shingles."
2. "Yesterday they dropped four 2,000-lb. bombs on Saddam. At that size do they even have to explode? I haven't seen bombs that big since CBS's Saturday night lineup."
3. "Three of Saddam's ex-wives have fled into Syria. He has three ex-wives? Maybe he's faking his own death."
4. "In that restaurant yesterday Saddam said, 'A double for me and a double for my double."
5. Guest Adam Sandler: "I told my fiancé let's get married as soon as I win a critics' choice award. She wants Baghdad for the honeymoon, but I'm leaning toward North Korea."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I watched 'Cher's Farewell Tour' on tv tonight, and I got sick, Babe."
2. "I know we're winning in Iraq, because today a cab driver gave me the finger with a little white flag taped to it."
3. "Today at Saddam's funeral ... I'm sorry. That's tomorrow's joke."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In Iraq the U.S. dropped four huge bombs on a restaurant right after Saddam Hussein made the mistake of telling the waiter, 'Surprise me.'"
2. "Most of Bush's rebuilding plans for Iraq involve Legos."
3. "McDonald's is installing self-service machines in its restaurants to replace some employees. The hardest part is finding machines with zits."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Rubble Without a Cause: In the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein they bombed a restaurant where they thought he was, leaving a 61-foot hole. They don't know if they got Saddam, but the restaurant will be closed for at least two weeks."

Monday, April 7, Winner Jay Leno
(Dave and Conan were in reruns.)

Jay Leno:
1. "We lost an hour over the weekend, but Saddam lost an airport and a couple of palaces."
2. "We took over Baghdad Airport and already three airlines have gone bankrupt; all the baggage has been lost, and all the pilots are drunk. But now it's the only airport in the world where all the cab drivers speak English."
3. "Tomorrow Saddam is going to be on a special edition of 'Crossing Over.'"
4. "They found a huge cache of weapons in a Baghdad high school, so I guess their kids are like ours."
5. "How is the Iraqi Republican Guard like the Clippers? Neither will be around for the playoffs."
6. "Bush flew to Ireland today for peace talks with Tony Blair. If you're having peace talks you definitely want to hold them in Northern Ireland. I guess South Central was booked."
7. "The army is letting Geraldo back into Iraq. I guess they ran out of people to shoot at."
8. "Hillary Clinton's publisher is worried she won't have her memoirs done on time. But to be fair, fiction is harder. It's due in a week, and she's only up to Bill's 25th affair."
9. "A man was on his way to a job interview, and his parrot was stolen right off his shoulder. What guy takes a parrot to a job interview?"
10. "Television was invented 75 years ago today. Do you know the first words spoken on tv? 'I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. I'm Andy Rooney.'"
11. "What do you get when you combine 'America's Most Wanted' with 'Cops?' 'American Idol.'"
12. "A couple just got married after living together for 77 years. They're registered at Smithfield's Mortuary. When you're 95 that 'til death do us part thing' isn't much of a promise."
13. "In Alabama a 42-year-old woman married a 14-year-old honor student. Sex education should be easy for him: 'I was home schooled.'"
14. "Calvin Kline says he's not addicted to drugs. He just has an Obsession."
15. Headlines: A suicide prevention group sponsored a sky diving exhibition. Ad for "Impatient Staff Nurse." Ad for "Dung Cluster Snacks." Story: "He was sentenced to prison for life with possibility for parole Monday afternoon." Story about a man who was arrested when he picked his wife up from jail in a stolen truck which he parked in a handicapped zone with a vial of crack cocaine visible on the front seat." Ad: "Vote for Rich White Republican." Story about "West Vaginia." Jay: "West Vaginia is for lovers."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Tomorrow night Cher will air her 'Farewell Tour.' Then the terror alert will return to yellow."
2. "The guest chair still smells like Joey Fatone."
3. "In Baghdad our troops are going to add a few more tons of marble and gold to Saddam's palaces and turn them into Trump Towers."
4. "Russell Crowe got married on his ranch in Australia. The wedding cake was topped with a tiny bride catching the groom having sex with her sister. It was the only wedding where you had to stand in line to make an objection."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Gate Crashers: We took Saddam International Airport. In Saddam's private lounge there were gold-framed copies of 'In Style Magazine,' and, of course, the oil bidet."
2. (On musicians protesting the war): "Wu Tang Clan tied a yellow ribbon around Old Dirty Bastard."

Friday, April 4, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon is off Fridays.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "There are a lot of rumors going around about Saddam Hussein. He may be gay. He's probably still alive, because on tv he referred to current events. He said he's furious that Cory was kicked off 'American Idol.'"
2. "In Scotland a woman caught her husband having sex with a dog. She was very surprised, because he's always been a cat person."
3. "The ratings of the Anna Nicole Smith Show are down 40% from last season. An E! spokesperson said war coverage always beats whore coverage."

David Letterman:
1. "I'm still on high-powered painkillers, so watch for my celebrity mugshot."
2. "You can't smoke anywhere in New York City anymore. Today I saw a rat with a nicotine patch. Can't smoke? What are we supposed to do after we have sex on the subway?"
3. "McDonald's is in trouble, and they're reformulating their buns. Didn't Cher have that done once?"

Jay Leno:
1. "The bad news is that Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news is, we still get to kill him. Saddam was on tv today and thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him while he was ill."
2. "We're now in control of the airport, and there are ten new flights a day Baghdad to Vegas. They got through the airport in three hours. You can't do that at LAX."
3. "Everything in Baghdad is named after Saddam Hussein. He's like Donald Trump with better hair."
4. "Rumsfeld admitted today the war was taking longer than expected. He thought Geraldo would have been kicked out last week."
5. "A 42-year-old woman in Alabama married a 14-year-old boy. You know you're too young to get married when you're registered at Toys 'R Us."
6. "A man in jail committed suicide by drowning himself in his cell's toilet. He's been arrested with 400 meth amphetamine pills. His suicide note was 800 pages long."
7. "A 15-year-old boy in a children's hospital tried to hire a hooker to visit him in his hospital room. You know this wasn't part of the Make a Wish Foundation. In a hospital they charge you $50 for a Kleenex. How much would a hooker cost?"
8. "McDonald's is thinking of adding sugar to their buns. We'll be eating a hamburger between two donuts."
9. "Segourney Weaver says she wants to make another 'Alien' — her pool boy."
10. "Researchers have found a perfume that makes a man think a woman is 12 pounds lighter than she is. I guess she sprays it in his eyes."

Craig Kilborn (in New Orleans):
1. "I love New Orleans. Back in L.A. we give girls real beads for fake boobs."
2. "A 500-pound bale of marijuana washed up on a beach in Florida. There's a great combination — sharks with the munchies."

Thursday, April 3, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn (in New Orleans):
1. "It's down to the Final 4, but enough about the Iraqi Army."
2. "Our Army is using rhesus monkeys to find land mines. It's called Operation Rhesus Pieces."
3. Craig had a "Girls, Please Don't Go Wild" segment where he went to Bourbon Street and tried to keep women from flashing their breasts: "Show us your self-esteem! Don't be a clown. Pull it down."

David Letterman:
1. "I'm still taking high-powered painkilling drugs. I tell you that in case I'm caught shoplifting."
2. "I've been doing my Elite Republican Guard exercises. You put your hands above your head and leave them there for a long time."
3. "Our troops haven't found any chemical weapons, but in the fridge of one of Saddam's palaces they found a container of expired yogurt."
4. "Geraldo Rivera has been yanked from Iraq, ending Operation Enduring Pain in the Ass."

Jay Leno:
1. "Don't you love all those criminals on 'American Idol?' Add that to the so-called celebrity judges, and you have people who can't get arrested judging those who can."
2. "Our troops attacked Saddam International Airport. When you're just attacking, do you still have to show up two hours early? The hardest part for our troops was getting their weapons past the metal detectors."
3. "We just had another war-related casualty. The French may have injured themselves trying to jump on our bandwagon."
4. "In his latest tape Saddam says he has no fear of the American Army. Of course not. He's dead."
5. "You know it's going to end with Saddam in a tank in a slow-moving freeway chase."
6. "At Circuit City today I saw Geraldo Rivera in front of a bank of tv's pretending to be reporting the war."
7. "Did you notice we started winning the instant Geraldo was yanked?"
8. "The FBI has issued a global alert for its first female terrorist. The terrorist men are supposed to get 72 virgins when they die. What do the women get, 72 guys who do housework?"
9. "Iraq just went on daylight saving time. They lost an hour of bombing."
10. "Thirty years ago today the cell phone was invented. Two seconds later the inventor crashed into the car in front of him."
11. "A white person in New York City will have walked 100,000 miles by the time he's 85. A black person will have walked 500,000, because he can't get a cab. In L.A. an 85-year-old will have walked a mile and a half."
12. "Dennis Miller's on the show. He's been supporting the war, the troops and the President. And he calls himself a celebrity!"
13. Dennis Miller: "Contraceptive Spongebob Squarepants." ... "The Dixie Chicks are facing a worldwide girlcot. Making fun of the President in a foreign land in wartime just doesn't play with the Nascar crowd." ... "Peter Arnett is dangerously close to combing hair over from another guy's head." ... "It's time to circle the SUV's and get off the Pol Pot."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In 'Les Miz' the French are refusing to take part in the Revolution."
2. "President Bush hasn't altered his personal routine since the war began — except that now he watches the news and tapes 'Spongebob Squarepants.'"
3. "In Michigan a 15-year-old guy tried to hire a hooker to service him in his hospital room. He said, 'I have a great HMO.'"

Jon Stewart:
1. "I want to say to the troops, don't judge Baghdad by the suburbs."
2. "Department of Defensive: The Pentagon tried to explain why the war was so much slower than expected."
3. "New York Post" headline: "WARGASM!"
4. Ed Helms: "Text messaging is like being in the same room with someone and typing messages to them."
5. With guest Colin Farrell: Jon: "How do you get so many women?" Colin: "Because it's all in good jest — except for your mother."

Wednesday, April 2, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "America now controls 40% of Iraq. That's amazing. The U.S. doesn't even control 40% of L.A."
2. "Yesterday Saddam Hussein said Iraq will win. Then he yelled, 'April fool!'"
3. "The Pentagon says Iraq is having a hard time figuring out where the U.S. will strike next — now that Geraldo isn't telling them anymore."
4. "Monday George Bush, Sr., threw out the first ball at the Cincinnatti Reds game. Al Jazeera says it killed five innocent Iraqis."
5. "Peter Arnett was fired for giving an interview to Iraqi tv. What was he thinking? Even Tom Arnold turned down that gig."
6. "To relieve jail overcrowding L.A. is releasing 2,600 inmates. More contestants for 'American Idol.' That show has had four guys kicked off now for police records. You can change the channel real quick and catch them on 'Cops.'"
7. "North Dakota has made bikini waxing illegal. It's twenty below zero. Is that really a problem?"
8. "The average person walks 100,000 miles in a lifetime, so guys are starting to use that in personals ads: 'Only 45,000 miles.'"
9. "Chris Rock's movie 'Head of State' is the #1 movie. It's about an unqualified guy who becomes President. Come on. That could never happen."
10. "At the London Dog Show the winning dog was disqualified for having had plastic surgery. The dog said the other dogs were just jealous bitches."
11. "Pete Rose has written his autobiography, and he reveals why he has that haircut. He lost a bet."
12. "Barbara Walters gave a same-sex kiss to Julianne Moore, so Diane Sawyer bounced on a trampoline while eating a banana."
13. "Visa pulled the commercial with Charlie and Martin Sheen because of their antiwar activism. Now if we could just get Carrot Top to speak out against the war."

David Letterman:
1. "Are you excited about the opening of the baseball season? Ah, the leather, the pine tar, the rosin — and that's just the hot dogs."
2. "Today is the 150th anniversary of the invention of the elevator — or as it's known in New York, the public restroom."
3. "Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard."
4. "Iraqi tv is showing old footage of Saddam Hussein to try to prove he's still alive — the same thing we do with Dick Cheney."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Saddam Hussein failed to keep a scheduled appearance yesterday on Iraqi tv. I hear he has the same agent as James Gandolfini."
2. "President Bush thinks he was called by God to lead the nation in this time of trouble. No one has the heart to tell him he was actually called by a morning zoo dj."
3. "In Miami a hijacked plane had to be sent back to Cuba because there were no major league pitchers on board."
4. "Starbucks is closing six stores in Israel. The company said, 'They're jittery enough already.'"
5. "Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was again asked to leave Iraq for giving away secret information. He said, 'I've never been so ashamed, and I'm Geraldo.'"

Craig Kilborn (In New Orleans):
1. "I had a few drinks last night. This morning I woke up wondering what I could possibly have done to get 10,000 beads."
2. "Saddam Hussein says he will dance in the streets when the great Satan U.S. dies. Oh, I'm sorry, that was Peter Arnett."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Like Aversion: Madonna, the Material Middle-Aged Woman, has pulled her latest video out of respect for the troops. An Iraqi newspaper raves: 'This is a good thing. We will stone her quickly and mercifully.'"
2. "R. Kelly has written a song for the 18th Battalion. It turned out to be the 14th Battalion, but he swears it told him it was the 18th."
3. Lewis Black: "'Playboy' Playmates are e-mailing the troops directly. Soldiers and Playmates, what could possibly go wrong?"

Tuesday, April 1, Winner David Letterman
(Conan is in reruns Mondays.)

David Letterman:
1. "I have to be here tonight. I'm out of sick leave."
2. "For April Fools today Mom switched my shingles medicine with my Viagra. And in Times Square my hooker turned out to be an undercover cop."
3. "The Pentagon is running out of things to bomb in Baghdad. Today they bombed The Museum of Rubble."
4. "You know Saddam has three sons — x, x and Little Joe."
5. "People in Iraq now are pulling down Saddam Hussein's murals — sort of like when I left NBC."
6. Guest Colin Farrell: "Get on with it. This interview is cutting into my drinking time."

Jay Leno:
1. "Dick Cheney walked into the Oval Office today and asked, 'You want to run things for awhile?' Bush said, 'Sure,' and Cheney went, 'April Fool!'"
2. "Hussein's been taking his vitamins: B-1s, B-52s ..."
3. "Saddam was supposed to appear on tv today, but he was replaced by Peter Arnett."
4. "The military kicked Geraldo out of Iraq. It was the best way to get the Iraqi people on our side. The hardest part for Geraldo is finding another country that'll take him."
5. "The military is blowing up Saddam Hussein's palaces and yachts. No wonder he has the Republican Guard. He's a Republican."
6. "Matt Lauer is reporting the war. It's the first time a reporter has had a worse haircut than the soldiers."
7. "Bush has come up with new health and education plans and plans to rebuild roads and bridges. If it works in Iraq, he may try it here."
8. "Because of the war Madonna has decided not to release her new video. So the war's already paying off."
9. "George Bush, Sr., stepped in for his son and threw out the first ball of the major league baseball season — While George, Jr., was finishing the war his dad started."
10. "Taxes are due in two weeks. Remember, if you own Clipper season tickets, you can deduct them as a complete loss."
11. "Mick Jagger's son, 17, is dating Keith Richards' daughter, 16, and Keith is upset. He should just be glad it isn't Mick dating his daughter."
12. "This company is offering plus-size prom dresses, sizes 14 to 44. It's the Shock and Awe Collection."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Air Force has been dropping thousands of leaflets over Baghdad telling the Iraqi soldiers they can't win. Then they dropped the same leaflets on the New York Mets."
2. "Our soldiers in Iraq are getting irritable because they're running out of cigarettes. They're considering smoking actual camels."
3. "Saddam Hussein's wife is trying to leave him. She says he's not the madman she married."
4. "Since Geraldo has been kicked out, Saddam Hussein is once again the most hated man in Iraq."
5. "In Alabama a 42-year-old woman just married a 14-year-old boy, and folks are very upset, because they're not related."
6. "My apology to the Mets fan from Alabama."

Craig Kilborn (In New Orleans):
1. "On Bourbon Street today I went into a strip club because I was tired of seeing breasts for free. In L.A. we also have girls who throw up on the street. They're called Supermodels."
2. "In London Mick Jagger is going to be in a reality show called 'Joe Millionkids.'"
3. "Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa is going to appear naked in 'Playboy.' Her turnons include 'making men gay.'"

Jon Stewart:
1. "Cry Me a Rivera: The military asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq because he drew diagrams in the sand showing his unit's exact position and attack plans." Jon showed clips of Geraldo saying this was an absolute lie started by his jealous rivals at MSNBC. "It turns out the military has asked Geraldo to leave. They're only asked three other people to leave Iraq — Saddam Hussein and his two sons." Stephen Colbert then drew a picture of Geraldo in the sand and showed his sticking his head up his own ass. Stephen: "I was both shocked and awed."
2. Guest Anthony Swoffard, author of "Jarhead:" "War is the ultimate sport. It's soccer with guns."
3. Mo Rocca: "April 1 is the day disc jockeys announce the deaths of people who are still alive."

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