Feb '03 Strange's Late-Nite-TV Zingerwinners

Friday, February 28, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon is off on Fridays.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Pentagon has warned reporters to get out of Baghdad, because war may be imminent. Then they added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'"
2. "A scientist announced he has a pill to prevent premature ejaculation. Then he said, 'I'm sorry. This announcement was supposed to be made next week.'"
3. "John Travolta is considering a sequel to 'Battlefield Earth.' Or he may just set fire to $40,000,000."
4. "Jennifer Lopez made a huge scene in London and made the hotel change her room, because Puff Daddy had once stayed there. Ben Affleck said he was used to being where Puff Daddy had been."

David Letterman (Guest Host, Regis Philbin):
1. "I know you people in the audience are all saying to yourselves, 'Dave is much better looking in person."

Jay Leno:
1. "Iraq has agreed in principle to destroy their missiles. 'In principle' sounds better than 'in your dreams.'"
2. "The war is going to cost us $320 per citizen. That, of course, is just your basic war. You want your tanks, your planes, that's going to be extra."
3. "Did you see Saddam Hussein being interviewed by Dan Rather? What's disturbing is that he came off as more normal than Michael Jackson and Robert Blake."
4. "'Law & Order' beat the Robert Blake interview. In other words, 'Law & Order' beats 'Dazed & Confused.'"
5. "Two stunt men said Blake interviewed them to kill his wife, but they didn't get the job. In Hollywood, even to kill somebody you have to audition."
6. "They say Blake asked five people to kill his wife. I don't know five guys I could ask to drive me to the airport."
7. "Blake's in a mess. If he loses, he goes to prison for life. If he wins, he goes on 'Hollywood Squares.'"
8. "That Italian restaurant where he ate with his wife is sticking with him. They've even named a dish after him — the Killer Shrimp."
9. "That seventh-grade teacher had sex with one of her students twenty times. Well, that's how kids learn, repetition."
10. "Mattel Toys is consolidating its boys and girls divisions. You know what this means, Transvestite Ken."
11. "A man in the Philippines whose wife accused him of infidelity cut off his own penis and handed it to her. It's a little slice of life story. Most guys won't even give up the remote."
12. "The 'Joe Millionaire' guy is getting $15,000 for a personal appearance. Unless he talks, and then it's only $5,000."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The threat level has been lowered from orange to French — I mean yellow."
2. "When the level went from orange to yellow Anna Nicole Smith asked, 'Does that mean I'm pregnant?'"

Thursday, February 27, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Jon is in reruns this week.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Disarmageddon."
2. "After we attack Iraq we can then spend millions on rebuilding roads, schools and hospitals, or we can just rename it Newark."
3. "Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers, has died. Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Heroin and motorcycles don't mix."

David Letterman (Guest host John McEnroe)
1. "Saddam Hussein wants to debate George Bush. Bush says fine, as long as his brother Jeb decides who wins."

Jay Leno:
1. "Saddam Hussein told Dan Rather he'd rather die than leave Iraq. That's fine. We'd rather kill him. He'd rather die. Anyway, there's only one place on earth he could go into exile, a place with palaces, sand and people sympathetic to him — Malibu."
2. "He wants to debate George Bush. It would be the Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English Language."
3. "Did you see Robert Blake being interviewed by Barbara Walters? Blake is mad at me, at the cops, at his lawyer, at the judge. If he's really innocent, shouldn't he be mad at the man who killed his wife?"
4. "The Senator from Georgia is furious about the new reality show where they're going to take hillbillies and put them in a mansion. Isn't that the Clintons?"
5. "You can tell the economy is really going bad. The first Texas woman ran over her cheating husband with a new Mercedes, and this latest one had to use a 7-year-old Taurus."
6. "About 250 naked men in Australia protested the war in Iraq. That's the most naked men ever assembled outside a Christina Aguilara video."
7. Guest Jimmy Carr: "Old men don't use Viagra because they're impotent. Old men use Viagra because old women are so ugly."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The most surprising moment in Dan Rather's interview with Saddam Hussein was when Hussein said, 'I am Peter Pan.'"
2. "Bush says that after attacking Iraq we'll spend millions on medicine and food. And if it works there, we may try it here."
3. "It turns out Saddam owns part of 'Elle Magazine.' You can tell from the lead article in the current issue: 'How to Please Your Dictator in the Sack.'"
4. "Fox is going to have a second season of 'Joe Millionaire.' This time the twist will be that he's not really a moron."

Wednesday, February 26, Winner Jay Leno
(Jon is in reruns this week.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Barbara Walters did a jailhouse interview with Robert Blake, and he's very mad at comedians, me especially, for making jokes about him. Listen, Phil Spector shot a woman and is out on bail. O.J. stabbed two people, and he's playing golf. Blake shouldn't be mad at me. He should be mad at his lawyer for not getting him out."
2. "I need Robert Blake mad at me like I need a hole in the head. And I know he's mad at me. This morning I found a cockatoo head in my bed."
3. "Iraq is Arabic for Vietnam."
4. "Saddam Hussein was interviewed by Dan Rather and said he'd rather die than leave — just like the cast of '60 Minutes.'"
5. "Bulgarian pimps are moving armies of women across Europe to service American troops. It's more than the French are doing. Thank you, Bulgaria. Those women do more guys before 9 a.m. ..."
6. "A man in Montreal threatened the city's leader. He was arrested because he didn't make the threat in both English and French."
7. "Another Texas woman has been arrested for running over her cheating husband. It used to be the sign of a cheating husband was lipstick on his collar. Now it's tire tracks on his forehead. You know what you call a cheating husband in Texas? A speedbump. There's a new event in the Texas Rodeo — see how long a cheating husband can cling to the hood of the car his wife's driving."
8. "The economy is so bad even the funeral business is suffering. 'Yeah, guess we'll have to leave Grandma on the front porch until spring.'"
9. "Utah is considering a tax on topless dancers. Luckily there's no flat tax."
10. "Phil Donahue has been fired from MSNBC. It was sort of tacky the way he found out. He was on the air, and the little news ticker at the bottom of the screen said, 'Phil Donahue fired.'"
11. "Doctors in India have performed the first penis transplant. It's a great excuse for cheating. 'It wasn't even mine. The guy who used to have it was a pig.'"
12. "Joe Millionaire has a lot of free time now. He's spending most of his time on his back hoe. Sarah."

David Letterman:
1. Dave was out with an eye infection. Bruce Willis was guest host, but didn't do a monologue.
2. Guest Brian Kiley: "It's always been my dream to do the Bruce Willis show." ... "When I was a kid we always played cowboys and Indians, and I was always an Indian. I had my own casino." ... "My Dad's 11 years older than my Mom. They were high school sweethearts." ... "My wife just let me know I'm about to become a father for the first time. Thank you. The bad news is that we already have two kids. We gave them old-fashioned names. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer." ... "I got a piece of mail today, and it said, 'This is not a bill,' so I opened it up, and inside it said, 'That was the envelope. This is the bill." ... "I bought a box of Animal Crackers, and it said, 'Do not eat if seal is broken. So I opened them up, and sure enough ..."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Zora has broken up with Joe Millionaire. What's really embarrassing is that she's now dating the horse rectum from 'Fear Factor.'"
2. "A woman gave birth in her car today outside the midtown tunnel. She really wanted to drive in the carpool lane."
3. "Michael Jackson may be moving to Florida. He's already been seen stopping cars with bumper stickers that say, 'Ask Me About My Grandchildren.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Eminem is coming out with his own fashion line. I guess white is the new black this year."
2. "The government busted 50 companies selling bongs online, including the company owned by Tommy Chong. On his lawn is a sign that says, 'Stay On the Grass.' If you don't remember Tommy Chong, you're probably one of his best customers."
3. "A New Jersey school teacher was arrested for having sex 20 times with one of her students. He's getting his own reality show: 'I'm a Seventh Grader; Don't Get Me Out of Here.'"

Tuesday, February 25, Winner David Letterman
(Jon is in reruns this week.)

David Letterman:
1. "Crime in the subways is down 20%. It's been two weeks since I've had to say, 'You apply pressure. I'll see if I can find a cop.'"
2. "Dan Rather has interviewed Saddam Hussein. Hussein claims he's only had two operations on his nose. He also thinks Bruce Springsteen should have won for Best Album."
3. "The oldest living American, 113 years old, has died. He smoked cigars, drank beer and ate greasy food. That stuff will kill you."
4. "The Mustang Ranch, a brothel, got taken over by the government, and they don't know what to do with it. I think they should turn it into a branch of the Clinton Library."

Jay Leno:
1. "Today on Hollywood Blvd. I saw the hookers welcoming back the women from 'Joe Millionaire.'"
2. "The U.N. is giving Saddam Hussein his umpteenth ultimatum. Their secret weapon is to kill him from old age."
3. "Bulgarian pimps are moving their girls across Europe to be ready for American servicemen. Protesters are out with signs: 'Stop Your Whore Machines.'"
4. "Bill Clinton had to cancel a trip to India due to security concerns. Can't you see him in India riding an elephant? That would bring back memories."
5. "Tonya Harding lost her undercard match at the Mike Tyson fight this weekend. She's not too disappointed. She says its nice to wake up the day after a fight and not be in jail."
6. "Robert Blake is on Barbara Walters in a segment entitled, 'I'm a Celebrity. Get Me Out of Here.' Blake says he can't imagine life out of jail, because everybody thinks he's guilty. O.J. says, 'It's not so bad.'"
7. "A New Jersey teacher had sex 20 times with one of the students. That's not fair. That's showing favoritism. Oh, and the Church says women aren't qualified to be priests."
8. Headlines: Story: "In the poll 53% preferred man-made Christmas trees over artificial trees." Headline: "Tinkler Joins Water Company." Classified ad for "Jack Russell Terrorist."
9. Guest Dennis Miller: "Let's not be trigger happy, but let's not be trigger sad either." ... "The Belgians, you know they'll waffle."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Dan Rather has interviewed Saddam Hussein. When asked what it's like to talk to a madman, Saddam said, 'It's not that bad.'"
2. "Pete Rose has been denied entry into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. Of course the only person in it is Wayne Gretsky."
3. "A hijacker at Kennedy Airport stole an armored car with $1.2 million. He used the money to fill up the truck with gas."
4. "Tonya Harding has been fined $20,000 for damage she did to a house she rented. She did so much damage the wheels fell off."
5. Guest Tina Fey: "I was trying to get on-camera for 'The Osbournes,' so I pooped on the floor."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Colin Powell is going to meet with all fifteen members of the U.N. Security Council, and then decide which one to marry."
2. "The Price Is Wrong: Gas is so high it just checked into rehab. People are robbing gas stations just for the gas."

Monday, February 24, Winner David Letterman
(Conan is in reruns Mondays, and so was Jon.)

David Letterman:
1. "On the Grammys Simon & Garfunkel performed for the first time in ten years. What are the odds Art Garfunkel would be free on a Sunday night?"
2. "New York Mayor Bloomberg was in the green room with Kid Rock smoking a joint."
3. "The Grammys were so long and boring I thought I was hosting. To liven up the crowd Phil Spector fired off a couple of warning shots. There was an awkward moment when Harvey Fierstein was mistaken for Janet Reno."
4. Guest Amy Sedaris had been at the Grammys: "I told Justin Timberlake, 'People mistake me for someone very close to you. Can you guess who it is?' He said, 'My mother?' P. Diddy brought his son. I guess he's now P. Daddy."
5. Guest Steve Martin: "I decided not to pursue a career as a professional musician, because there's one sentence that has never been uttered: 'Look! It's the banjo player's Porsche!'" ... "Hosting the Academy Awards is like making love to a beautiful woman. At the end I bow and get applause." ... "I have some clips of my former appearances on your show." Dave: "Are these going to embarrass me?" Steve: "Oh, Dave, that's every night."

Jay Leno:
1. "The Mike Tyson fight was 49 seconds. Robin Givens put up a better fight than that guy did. It reminded me of a dog running into a glass door."
2. "L.A. is confiscating and selling the cars of men caught with prostitutes. The motto is, 'Ride a Prostitute; Ride the Bus.'"
3. "In sex ed classes in Great Britain they're actually recommending oral sex as a way to cut down on unwanted pregnancies. It's the first time even the stupid kids are telling the teacher at the end of class, 'You forgot to give us our assignment!'"
4. "Pete Rose has been denied induction into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. Was he betting on hockey too?"
5. "I saw Michael Jackson's rebuttal. Before that I thought sleeping with young boys was wrong."
6. "Robert Blake says he's very lonely in prison. He should count himself very lucky."
7. "From 'The Bachelorette,' Krista and Ryan are still together. She says they're pieces of the same puzzle. Since there are just two pieces, it isn't much of a puzzle."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Thousands of pairs of Nikes washed ashore after a shipwreck. If you held them up to your ear you could hear Kathie Lee saying, 'Break's over. Get back to work, you little bastards.'"
2. "At the Grammys last night police were called when R. Kelly got up to use Avril Lavigne."
3. "All our jokes about the technical Grammys were recorded at a separate ceremony this afternoon."
4. "Rome today had a Cat Pride Parade. There was a six-hour break in the middle for a nap on top of the tv."

Friday, February 21, Winner David Letterman
(Jon is off Fridays.)

David Letterman:
1. "Thanks to Dr. Phil I'm no longer betting on baseball."
2. "I'm glad the big blizzard is over. I haven't seen so much salt since Mom was on her margarita diet."
3. "We're all supposed to buy duct tape and plastic sheeting — which is great if the terrorists drop by to paint your living room."
4. "Bush heard that Gephardt is running for President and said, 'Hey, I may have a second term after all.'"
5. Guest Steven Wright: "I'm part of a Jehovah's Witness protection program." ... "When people ask me how I'm getting to the airport I say, 'Well, I'm flying to one of them.'" ... "I bought a new camera that's so advanced you don't even need it." ... "I rented a movie, and it said, 'This film has been modified to fit your television.' Can you imagine if it wasn't? All you'd see would be a knuckle."

Jay Leno:
1. "'People Magazine' says Evan and Zora's romance may be over. Also the Bachelor's engagement is off. When are we going to get back to real news, like who Justin and Britney are dating?"
2. "We're supposed to vote to see which of the so-called celebrities stranded in the Australian Outback will be brought home. Don't vote. They'll all have to stay there forever."
3. "February is Black History Month. That's why we're seeing so much about Michael Jackson. At one point in history he was black."
4. "A psychologist says Mike Tyson's bizarre behavior is because deep down he's afraid to fight. I didn't even know Mike Tyson was French."
5. "Tonya Harding will be the undercard, but she says she'd go three minutes with Tyson himself for $1,000,000. Last time he went three minutes with a woman it got him six years in prison. This weekend when the boxers enter, each one will have a theme song. Tyson's will be 'We Are the Champions.' Tonya Harding's will be 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'"
6. "Nevada is going to start taxing prostitutes. A lot of them will just start doing it under the table."
7. "The British government is trying to reduce pregnancies by encouraging teens to have more oral sex. The English will put anything in their mouths except a toothbrush."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "There are rumors Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons in schools, 'because it's the last place Bush would look.'"
2. "On this day in 1947 the Polaroid camera was invented. The next day the inventor assured his girlfriend, 'I won't show these to anybody.'"
3. "Justin Timberlake said Kylie Minogue has 'the hottest ass I've ever seen.' Then he added, 'for a girl.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Turkey is demanding $30 billion for the use of their bases. We need the bases in order to reach France. If we can't pay, we may have to attack from soy-based Faux-Turkey."
2. "Trista, the Bachelorette chose Ryan over Charlie, and now she faces another tough choice: 'Playboy' or 'Penthouse?'"
3. "Mike Tyson's fight is on again, and he spent the day training. He spent 30 minutes trying to bite chunks from a plastic face."

Thursday, February 20, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Did you see 'Star Search?' Halfway through, Hans Blix showed up and found no evidence of stars."
2. "Everybody's helping out in this snowstorm. Last night I saw a little old lady being helped across the slippery street by her pimp."
3. "Don't you just hate it when you're shoveling snow and uncover a Jehovah's Witness?"
4. "Now all New York City hotels have free condoms in the rooms. All these years I've been using the free shower cap. The free condoms in my room get about as much use as the little sewing kit."
5. "In Texas there's a combination auto repair shop and whorehouse. Don't go there. They always charge you more than the estimate."

Jay Leno:
1. "Now there are rumors that Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons in schools. There are still fewer weapons there than in L.A. schools."
2. "Miss Germany says if it will avert war she'll have a peace date with Saddam Hussein. Beauty queens always say they want to bring about world peace. Here's one putting her money where her mouth is."
3. "Phil Spector's murder case has been postponed because they don't have enough evidence. They only have the body, the gun and a witness. That's not enough to convict a celebrity in L.A. And it turns out Phil Spector's parents were first cousins. So he has to be tried under West Virginia law."
4. "It turns out the woman who ran over her husband was seeing another man on the side. They found him under the left rear tire."
5. "I watched 'The Bachelorette' last night, and my tv actually threw up. Trista chose Ryan. She said it was the hardest decision of her life. She tossed and turned all night. And woke up Charlie. She said when she'd tried to picture the man of her dreams his face was always a blur. She wanted one of the fugitives on 'Cops?'"
6. "Fox is doing a sequel to 'Joe Millionaire.' Of course they have to have a different gimmick this time. I don't want to give it away, but the title is 'Joe Millimeter.'"
7. "The Spice Girls have decided not to get back together. Another terrorist threat averted."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The U.S. is now planning on invading Iraq in mid-March. Bush says he wants to surprise them when they're drunk on St. Patrick's Day."
2. "Those obese people who sued McDonald's for making them fat and lost are suing again. Yes, they're going back for seconds."
3. "Last year's Bachelor and the woman he chose appeared on tv to explain why they're no longer together. He was caught with The Prostitute."
4. "New York hotels will be providing condoms in every room. And the nicer hotels will even leave a mint on your penis."

Craig Kilborn:
1. Instead on "In the News," a couple from the audience came down, because the guy wanted to ask "a special question." He asked her to break up with him. "You've been giving me too much space."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Re-Freakening of America:" [Story about Dept. of Homeland Security] "The most important piece of advice? If you're on fire, don't run."

Wednesday, February 19, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Blizzards back East. The East Coast was whiter than an episode of 'Friends.'"
2. "Have you been watching tv this week? Michael Jackson, 'Joe Millionaire,' and 'The Bachelorette.' I see why other countries want to destroy our culture. I want to destroy our culture. Did you get the lesson from 'Joe Millionaire?' Good things come to those who lie."
3. "NBC is going to have a new program 'Search for the Most Talented Kid in America' — or as Michael Jackson calls it, 'Are You Hot?'"
4. "It's sort of ironic that the woman who ran over her husband will get out of prison just in time to teach her kids to drive."
5. "The San Francisco Zoo had a Valentines Day Sex Tour where people learned that a bear would rather masturbate than have sex. I'm switching from bear claws back to donuts. You don't know where those claws have been."
6. "The Mike Tyson fight is back on, and Tonya Harding is on the undercard. It's Iron Mike and the Iron Bar from the Trailer Park."
7. "The 'Sports Illustrated' swimsuit issue is coming out. They always have these women in exotic locations. Do men care? They're naked. You could put them in front of the Wal-Mart in Barstow."
8. "The #1 movie is 'Daredevil,' about a blind superhero who fights crime. If he's blind, why does his mask have eyeholes? And he's also supposed to be an ethical lawyer. The blind superhero I could believe."
9. "In Italy an 85-year-old man and a 75-year-old woman were arrested for having sex in a parked car. It's part of Italy's Senior Squeals on Wheels program."

David Letterman:
1. "Dr. Phil was on the program Monday, and he's a miracle worker. Finally I'm able to cut down on the phone sex."
2. "Bush really wants to wipe out Iraq before his one-term Presidency is over."
3. "We've gone from drought to blizzard. Things have never looked worse for New York City farmers."
4. "Because of the snow Regis Philbin couldn't get in to work, and the producers panicked. Where can you find a guy who can sip coffee and chat?"
5. "There was so much snow up there in Chappaqua that Bill Clinton's intern had to go down on a toboggan."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Bush is under fire from atheists who say he uses too many Christian references in his speeches. Today for instance he said, 'Jesus, look at all the big words.'"
2. "Dick Gephardt announced he's running for President. He's looking for a running mate, or as he calls it, 'the alcohol to my sleeping pill.'"
3. "A contestant on 'Survivor: Amazon' contracted malaria. He said, 'You should see what the girls caught on "Joe Millionaire."'"
4. "As a reward, Fox is sending Joe Millionaire to Hawaii. In the spirit of the show, they'll actually send him to New Jersey and tell him it's Hawaii."
5. Guest Chris Elliott: "I myself spent the night at Neverland Ranch. We had milk and cookies and got into our pajamas. It was all perfectly innocent. The only odd thing was, only one pair of pajamas. And then in the morning I helped him bleach his penis."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy and says that even though the various Democratic candidates have different views, they'll all give the same concession speech."
2. "Tonya Harding will be the undercard at the Mike Tyson fight. She says the hardest thing will be holding the tire iron while wearing boxing gloves."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Magnum Farce: Are you tired of having to play dead every time you're approached by a marauding bear? Smith & Wesson has come out with a handgun big enough to stop that bear."
2. Ed Helms reported on a Libertarian with a "Guns for Tots" program. He goes to Harlem and gives kids toy guns. Ed: "Toy guns don't kill people. Toys with guns kill people. Like Chuckie."
3. Lewis Black: "In Britain farmers are now required by law to buy toys to amuse their pigs."

Tuesday, February 18, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Is That Your Final Skank? Joe Millionaire picked his winner. Call me old fashioned, but I remember when a man could lie to a woman and cheat on her without cameras following him around."
2. "The Mike Tyson fight is back on. Tyson hasn't trained in a week, so he's planning to defend himself with duct tape and plastic sheeting."
3. "Scientists have found a male monkey who can shut his ears, but only when the female monkey is telling him about her day."

David Letterman:
1. "Keep it down. You'll start an avalanche."
2. "The snow was so bad terrorists were told to stay home unless it's urgent."
3. "Dr. Phil was on the show last night, and I'd like to thank him for helping me come to terms with being trapped in a man's body."

Jay Leno:
1. "Kids were making snow men in the middle of Park Avenue. Snow men are like Michael Jackson. They're white; they attract kids, and soon their noses fall off."
2. "In the ratings last night Joe Millionaire beat Joe Pedophile. Yeah, Michael Jackson was on all the other channels last night. Thank God nothing else is going on in the world."
3. "Fox is going to air Michael Jackson's rebuttal in which he says he was betrayed by the interviewer. Yes, Michael, you have to be careful who you get into bed with."
4. "Do you know the French phrase for defending the world? There isn't one."
5. "Tom Ridge has downgraded the alert from duct tape and plastic sheeting to scotch tape and two ziplock baggies."
6. "Last week the San Francisco Zoo had its annual Valentines Day sex tour. They said bears would rather masturbate than have sex. That's why they get so mad when hikers surprise them. And when they break into campsites, they're not looking for food. They're looking for magazines."
7. "Nevada is going to start taxing prostitutes. More bad news for the girls on 'Joe Millionaire.'"
8. "Yugoslavia is now Serbia-Montenegro. Other countries have changed their names. Colombia used to be Cocaine 'N Things. Brazil was Thongolia. France was Germany (until we saved their ass). And Vatican City was Boys Town."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In New York the snow plows made piles of snow two stories high. They've now been hollowed out and are renting for $2,000 a month."
2. "New York used 350 industrial salt spreaders to clear the streets. Now they've gone back to seasoning Anna Nicole Smith's food."
3. "The Spice Girls may get together again. This has raised the alert level from orange to red."
4. "Michael Jordan has turned 40. You can tell he's getting older. The new Air Jordans are slippers."
5. "American journalists will be allowed to accompany the troops into Iraq. It's part of Operation Get Rid of Geraldo Rivera."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Apocalypse Snow: On the cost of clearing the snow Mayor Bloomberg said the city always figures $1 million an inch, which, incidentally, when I was on the street, is how I made $2 million."
2. "March Madness: In the largest coordinated demonstration in human history millions of protesters around the world marched against war with Iraq. You know you're in trouble when hundreds of thousands of people in South Americas take time out from protesting their own governments to protest ours."

Monday, February 17, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan is off Mondays, and Jon was too.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Back East it's the biggest storm in years. Washington hasn't seen such shoveling since Bush tried to explain his economic plan."
2. "It was so cold Ted Williams showed up for spring training."
3. "The kids were really screwed. It was already a school holiday."
4. "It's so cold the French have another reason to get in bed with the Iraqis."
5. "There were hundreds of thousands of peace marchers in Paris. Out of habit the government surrendered."
6. "The #1 movie was 'Daredevil' about a blind man working against evil. The original title was 'Hans Blix, Weapons Inspector.'"
7. "That woman who ran over her husband had gotten breast implants to make herself more attractive to him. Back then she was the flat one."
8. "ABC, NBC and Fox spent ten hours this week on Michael Jackson. That's more time then he spent with all his wives combined."
9. "Michael's idea of dating someone his own age is four eleven-year-olds."
10. "In Italy an 85-year-old man and a 75-year-old woman were arrested for having sex in a parked car, and the left-turn signal was on the whole time."
11. Headlines: Menu: "Chicken of the week: turkey pot pie." Ad: "Meatball sundaes." Classified: "Manx cat, genuinely gay, but fixed." Classified: "Need nanny for two middle-aged boys." The headline said, 'Like Father, Like Son," but the photos were of Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush." Ad: "Urine testing available on a drip-in basis."
12. Guest Bill Maher: "In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy." ... "Michael Jackson is like Saddam Hussein. He hasn't done anything for ten years, and suddenly we're attacking him again."

David Letterman:
1. "The Global Warming Rally has been canceled. There was so much snow today Tonya Harding had to whack Nancy Kerrigan with a plow."
2. "We had two feet of snow in New York. One more foot and it'll cover up the garbage."
3. "In Times Square today I saw a tourist shoveling a path to a hooker."
4. "Today housewives had to put snow tires on their Mercedes to run over their husbands."
5. "Up in Chappaqua Bill Clinton had to rent a snow blower."
6. Guest Dr. Phil: "I know you're much older than I am. I've loved your show since I was a kid." Dave wants to be on "Oprah." Dr. Phil: "The show you need to be on is mine." Dave: "What is a neurotic?" Dr. Phil: "Someone get Dave a mirror." ... "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think about you if you knew how seldom they did."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "On Valentines Day I accidentally sent my girlfriend a loofa sponge and my grandma a see-through teddy. I'm so sorry, Grandpa."
2. "Last week a woman gave birth in the line at the DMV. The scary part is that it's the same line she got pregnant in."
3. "With the big storm back East commuting was impossible. Luckily, most people are unemployed."

Friday, February 14, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon is off Fridays. Craig was in reruns.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Happy Valentines Day. If you're watching this show right now, better luck next year."
2. "Christina Aguilara celebrated Valentines Day by getting a new tongue stud. His name is Roberto."
3. "The star of 'Joe Millionaire' says he didn't have sex with any of the women on the show. So he's not just poor. He's also stupid."
4. "Michael Jackson blew off an interview with Ed Bradley of '60 Minutes.' Michael said, 'I'm sorry. I just don't feel comfortable around black people.'"

David Letterman:
1. "New York's oldest woman passed away at 112, so Joan Rivers moves up to the top spot."
2. "You know, I'm a lot like Michael Jackson. He and I are both from Indiana. We're both in show business. And neither of us has slept with Lisa Marie Presley."
3. "On Valentines Day I like to blindfold my date and then see the look on her face when she finds out she's at The Olive Garden."
4. "Valentines Day is when you buy your girlfriend flowers and candy, and then your wife runs over you three times in her Mercedes."
5. Guest Dennis Regan: "We've been married three months. I'm just not used to being wrong so often." ... "I'm 48, which worries me, because at 24 I had a mid-life crisis."

Jay Leno:
1. "Disturbing news. It seems there are thousands of terrorist cells across the United States. They're known as florist shops. They charge $200 for a dozen roses. Even the oil companies are going, 'That's outrageous.'"
2. "Who in the audience got their wife or girlfriend something nice today? Who got them both something nice?"
3. "It's now Valentines night, so millions of couples are doing to each other what France did to us in the U.N. today."
4. "That woman was found guilty of murdering her husband by running over him three times. The ironic thing is that she'll spend the next twenty years making license plates. Did you see her bumper sticker? 'I Don't Brake for Cheating Husbands.' She says she'll think of her husband every time she eats pancakes."
5. "O.J. Simpson was spotted today buying duct tape and plastic sheeting. They asked if he was afraid of terrorists, and he said no, he was just breaking up with another girlfriend."
6. "What does Michael Jackson call a lemonade stand? A singles bar. What does he call a game of musical chairs? Elimidate."
7. "In Italy an 85-year-old man and a 75-year-old woman were arrested for having sex in a car. I think they should have gotten a medal. I'd rather have that guy having sex in a car than driving it."
8. "Have you seen that ABC show 'Are You Hot?' It's for those who can't follow the intricate plot of 'Joe Millionaire.'"

Thursday, February 13, Winner Jay Leno
(Craig was in reruns.)

Jay Leno:
1. "They say the terrorists have dirty bombs, which are regular bombs with a radioactive coating to make them really nasty. It's the same principle as the corn dog."
2. "That Texas woman was found guilty of murder for killing her husband with her Mercedes. I saw a picture of him, and he really looked rundown.
3. "It's the most expensive kids' book ever at $29.95. The title is 'Harry Potter and the Greedy Publisher.'"
4. "Michael Jackson is going to do a rebuttal of that interview next week, but I think he'll just do himself more harm. He's just cutting off his nose to spite his face. Do you know Michael Jackson's favorite college? Bringem Young. He calls his youngest kid Blanket, because that's what he puts over the kid's face. That's why Anna Nicole Smith called her 91-year-old husband Pillow."
5. "They're saying Phil Spector once got mad at Latoya Jackson and locked her in a closet, but I don't think that's a crime. That's more of a community service."
6. "ABC has a new reality show 'Are You Hot?' CBS has a similar show for their somewhat older audience: 'Are You Hot in Here, or Is it Just Me?'"
7. "Anyway that woman who ran over her husband is going to be the subject of a movie. They're not sure what to call it. 'Dude, You're Under My Car,' 'My Big Fat Dead Husband,' 'Crush Me If You Can,' 'Forrest Speed Bump,' 'Driving Over Mr. Daisy,' 'For Better or Reverse,' 'Boys on the Hood' or 'Carface.'"

David Letterman:
1. "It's Fashion Week in New York. Please do not feed the supermodels."
2. "A survey shows that guys with beards have less sex. Now I really feel sorry for Janet Reno."
3. "It's orange alert, so we're supposed to stock up on plastic sheeting and duct tape. it reminds me of my honeymoon."
4. "In New York cell phones have been banned from entertainment venues. In this particular venue I don't think the word 'entertainment' applies, but anyway, my cell phone went off last night. You should have seen the dirty look I got from the girl on the pole."
5. "Have you heard the new Osama bin Laden tape? He says he plans to martyr himself within the year. I hope he has better luck killing himself than we've had killing him."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Bush said he would first destroy Iraq's transportation system. In other words, he'd blow up all New York City taxicabs."
2. "In Mesa, AZ, a 71-year-old woman was arrested for running a meth lab out of an old folks home. Authorities became suspicious when some of the residents started staying up past 7:30."
3. "The founder of Holiday Inns has died at 90. Unfortunately, he checked out after 3 p.m., so they charged him for an extra day."
4. "A study shows that 2% of Americans over 25 are still virgins. These are the same people who dressed as Gandolf last Halloween."
5. "A Valentines Day survey found 39% of women say a man doesn't have to pay for the dinner. It all depends on how comfortable he is with masturbation."

Jon Stewart:
1. "If I buy duct tape, the terrorists win."
2. "Do you think the terrorists really have chemical weapons more powerful than living next to New Jersey?"

Wednesday, February 12, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "It was so cold today the hookers in Times Square were handing out flannel condoms."
2. "In Jamaica forty couples were joined in a nude wedding. That's every young girl's dream, isn't it, being given away by her nude dad?"
3. "Today Mom and I duct taped our windows and stockpiled malt liquor."
4. "My toupee won third place in the Westminster Kennel Club Show."
5. "Osama bin Laden released another one of his creepy audio tapes, and experts say they think it's recent, since he expresses disappointment that Richard Gere didn't get nominated for an Academy Award."
6. "It turns out 2% of Americans over 25 are virgins. I remember when I lost my virginity, and I still have the receipt to prove it."

Jay Leno:
1. "Well, it's the big sweeps period, so we have the finales of 'The Bachelorette' and 'Joe Millionaire' and, hopefully, Saddam Hussein."
2. "They say we're going to use bombs to try to destroy Baghdad's transportation system. The way a little rain does in L.A."
3. "It was so wet in L.A. yesterday that Phil Spector shot his date with a spear gun."
4. "Have you done your shopping at Duct Tape, Batteries & Beyond? The Department of Homeland Security sounds more like Home Depot Security."
5. "France and Germany say they're still our allies — the way Bill and Hillary are man and wife."
6. "That woman who ran over her husband three times says she didn't even know she was doing it, but this evidence, introduced today, contradicts that." [Showed license plate "RN IM OVR."]
7. "There's a cell phone now that shoots bullets. Of course you can't shoot anyone in a tunnel."
8. "Hey, guys, there are still a couple of days to break up with your girlfriend before Valentines Day."
9. "Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are suing a magazine for publishing unflattering photos of their wedding. Why, some of the pictures made him look 25 years older than her."
10. "There were over 3.000 dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Show, but security had to be doubled when they received this threatening phone call: 'Meow, meow, meow, meow ...'"
11. "Here's a Valentines Day sentiment: 'I'll love you until the Olsen Twins are legal."
12. Guest Dave Chappelle: "I play this blind guy who writes all this white supremacist literature, and he doesn't know he's black." ... "I'm going to retire to this island with a hundred women — including my wife — and I'm going to call it Clitoria. I figure if I call it that, no guys are going to be able to find it."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Americans are supposed to stockpile three-days' worth of food. That's why today Anna Nicole Smith bought an entire Costco."
2. "The Rolling Stones are going to tour China. Mick Jagger said, 'I hear they have a wall now.'"
3. "An Australian scientist has invented a bra that keeps a woman's breasts from bouncing. He was taken out back by the other scientists and beaten."
4. "Roman Polanski is nominated as Best Director, but can't enter the U.S. because he's still charged with having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Michael Jackson said, 'A girl? That's disgusting.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "There's rain in L.A. The city is deploying emergency aromatherapists and storm hair stylists."
2. "Tapes of Wrath: Osama bin Laden has released another audio tape. No video? Who does he think he is, Pearl Jam?"

Jon Stewart:
1. "Osama bin Laden dropped his new album on us yesterday. It showed little growth. I think he's over as an artist."
2. "Why do the rich need a tax cut? They're only 2%. They're outnumbered. Bush is reaching out to this uptrodden group."

Tuesday, February 11, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "It rained so hard today Diana Ross was ordering mai-tais just for the little umbrellas. Michael Jackson was wearing a raincoat, and he wasn't anywhere near a schoolyard."
2. "We're a step closer to war. Not with Iraq, with France and Germany. How did that happen?"
3. "President Bush said if Iraq would get rid of Saddam Hussein he'd help with food, clothing, education, whatever they need. So at last Bush has a domestic program, even if it is for another country."
4. "There's a new Osama bin Laden tape. Sure, it's sweeps. This one is the creepiest yet." [Showed clip of Osama dangling a baby from a balcony.]
5. "Gas is over $2 a gallon in California. There's a gas war, and we're the human shields."
6. "Now there's a cell phone that's also a gun. As if they weren't annoying enough already. And if the bullet goes more than ten feet, you have to pay for a toll call."
7. "The Oscar nominations were announced today. This is when good looking rich people who are constantly told how wonderful they are are singled out for more praise."
8. "Phil Spector says he hates to be talked about and hates being the center of attention. Here's a hint. Don't shoot your date in the head."
9. "That woman who ran over her husband three times is going to be featured in a new movie: 'How to Lose a Guy on 4 Tires.' Her lawyer is trying to plea bargain it down to life in traffic school."
10. "A teacher in Michigan donated a kidney to one of his female students. At last a teacher taking off his pants for good."
11. "They say there's going to be a big surprise twist on the last 'Joe Millionaire.' I hope he turns out to be gay and marries the butler."
12. Guest Michael Junior: "I'm not pro gay, or amateur gay. I didn't even know they had a league."

David Letterman:
1. "It was so cold today the hookers in Times Square were charging $50 just for a hug."
2. "This orange alert is paying off. They rounded up that stoned Dell dude."
3. "It's Fashion Week in New York. We have designers here from all over the world — except France and Germany."
4. "I went to the Westminster Kennel Club Show today. In the green room I saw dogs actually playing poker. I hadn't seen so many fleas in one place since Ossama bin Laden had lunch with himself."
5. "This year the Oscars will be telecast live to 113 nations — all of which hate us."
6. "Catherine Zeta-Jones was nominated, and she was so excited she ran home and shouted the good news in Michael Douglas's good ear."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The movie 'Chicago' got 13 Oscar nominations. It will win for Best Movie Not Seen By Straight Men."
2. "A new tape tells Iraqis, 'Don't give up. You will succeed.' The voice on the tape is either Osama bin Laden or Tony Robbins."
3. "Ben Affleck has reformed. He no longer goes out every night and gets drunk. And J. Lo no longer goes out every night and gets married."
4. "A man in Virginia was jailed for holding up a 7/11 with a banana. The clerk said he was fooled because he'd never seen fresh fruit in a 7/11."
5. "The Michael Jackson documentary is going to be rerun on VH1. Michael said, 'Damn, I was hoping they'd show it on Nickelodeon."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Let's put it this way. You don't want to be working on a Roman Polanski project when it's Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
2. "Taking It to the Miramax: When nominated for Best Director Martin Scorcese raised an eyebrow and gave himself a hernia."
3. "Rin Tin Spin Cycle: The Japanese have developed an automated dog washing machine. It's bad when you unload it and find an extra paw that doesn't match."
4. "Dead Man Noshing: A prison is in trouble for letting prisoners order dozens of pizzas delivered. Crack and extra cheese is very popular, but only the criminally insane get crazy bread."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Madman-ography: Kim Jong Il, The Bouffant Hitler."

Monday, February 10, Winner David Letterman
(Conan is in reruns Mondays.)

David Letterman:
1. "It's Fashion Week in New York. You can't tell from you people, but it is Fashion Week, and we're on lavender alert."
2. "I know it's Fashion Week, because on the subway this morning a guy measured my inseam."
3. "Puff Daddy is having a big party for his fashion line. And if you want to go you have to R.S.V.P. Diddy."
4. "Also this week we're having the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Usually it's only the Knicks who roll over and play dead in that arena."
5. "There are dogs from all over the world, but the French poodles and the German shepherds are refusing to participate."
6. "They disqualified one of the Yorkshire terriers. He turned out to be a blow-dried rat."
7. "Yep, it's Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show, and the city is loaded with temperamental bitches."

Jay Leno:
1. "Bush says we have to stop Saddam Hussein from playing hide and seek with weapons of mass destruction. Hell, we can't keep Michael Jackson from playing hide and seek with ..."
2. "Abu Hamaz, that Muslim cleric who's always on tv, the guy who has one eye and two hooks, says everything bad that's happened to the U.S. is punishment from God. What about what happened to him?"
3. "Gas is now over $2 a gallon. In Houston women who want to run over their husbands are having to carpool. That woman says she feels terrible, and after she ran over him three times she tried to blow him back up with Fix-a-Flat."
4. "Michael Jackson feels he was treated unfairly on '20/20' and wants to go on '60 Minutes' for rebuttal. That would be something, Michael Jackson who never grew up, surrounded by men who won't die."
5. "What does Michael Jackson call it when he bounces a kid on his knee? A lap dance. A kid on an innertube in the pool? Temptation Island."
6. "Cats and dogs are now legally being changed from 'property' to 'companions.' Like in China where they're being changed from appetizer to entree."
7. "Wal-Mart is recalling 30,000 defective bean bag chairs because they're dangerous. We used to be able to make steel. Now we can't fill bags with beans without screwing up 30,000 of them."
8. "The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. I think we need to work out more or talk less."
9. "The Dell guy has been arrested for marijuana possession. Dude, you're getting a cell — and a boyfriend."
10. "'The Anna Nicole Show' is starting it's second season. She hooks five guys up to a lie detector and asks them why they want to go out with her. Anna Nicole is hooked up to a soft ice cream machine."
11. "Joe Millionaire says he wants to so a tv show like Bob Villa: 'This Old Whorehouse.'"
12. "They're trying to come up with titles for that trailer park reality show: '8 Simple Rules for Dating My Own Teenage Daughter' ... 'I Dream of Indoor Plumbing' ... 'Sabrina, the Teenage Mother of 3' ... 'Spongebob Stretchpants' ... 'Touched By a Tornado' ... 'Everybody Loves Malt Liquor' and 'The Maury Povich Show.'"
13. Headlines: Menu: "Fried Chinese pickled with stomach pork." Headline: "HMO's: They're Better if You're Healthy." Weight-loss ad with photo of a man: "I woke up two dress sizes smaller." Jay: "Apparently he lost more than just a few pounds." Headline: "Porn star sues over rear-end collision." Ad for "Polygamy Bratwurst." Yellow pages under Sperm Banks: "Woody's Bar & Grill."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The Dell kid has been arrested for marijuana possession. Dude, you're getting a dude."
2. "There are rumors that Saddam Hussein is going to flee to a castle in Libya with $10 billion. Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut."
3. "Lord of the Rims: Michael Jordan played in his last All-Star Game. He's been in the game since Madonna was only on her third team."
4. "Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are suing photographers who published unflattering pictures of their wedding. One shot shows Michael feeding Catherine wedding cake while she feeds him strained carrots."

Jon Stewart:
1. "We all know the events of last week. The Michael Jackson alert has been raised from mochachino to pasty. Lowest level is black man, and highest is albino."
2. "Warning Sickness: Also, our national alert level was raised from yellow to orange by our own King of Pop. John Ashcroft." [Showed clip.] "Why does listening to Ashcroft make me feel like the world's already ended?"
3. "We're told the terrorists could focus this time on soft targets, such as hotels, apartment buildings and Snuggles the Bear."
4. Clip of Tom Ridge, head of Homeland Security, saying, "None of the specific information we have talks about time or place or methods or means." Jon: "So their specific information is all general."
5. "It's odd that France and Germany seem to have formed an Axis of Impotency."

Friday, February 7, Winner Jay Leno
(Jon is off Fridays.)

Jay Leno:
1. "There's now enough evidence for the U.S. to send in troops — to Neverland Ranch. That Michael Jackson documentary was creepy. It was like a two-hour amber alert. Michael claims he was portrayed in an unflattering light — yeah, daylight. He's so mad he's canceled tonight's sleepover. Did you see that shopping spree in Las Vegas? 'I'll take two of those and three of those.' Just like he does in an orphanage."
2. "There's a rumor that Osama bin Laden is moving his family to Libya. It's for the kids. Libya has better terrorist schools."
3. "France refuses to help us remove Saddam Hussein from Iraq. They didn't even help us remove the Germans from France. I think France is code yellow."
4. "Phil Spector is taking medication for schizophrenia, is bipolar and says he can't function in normal society. Thank God the judge let him out on bail."
5. "On that airplane Courtney Love was taking off her underwear and singing loudly. Isn't that Christina Aguilara's act? Isn't it ironic that Courtney was on Virgin Air? That's like Bill and Hillary flying United."
6. "Bill Clinton was on-stage with The Rolling Stones. That's nice. Jimmy Carter works with Habitat for Humanity, and now Bill Clinton's working with the elderly."
7. "The Bachelorette is down to two guys, so she's taking them home to meet her family. I guess her mother and sisters will sleep with both of them and help her decide."

David Letterman:
1. "Even after Colin Powell's talk France says it wants more evidence. The last time France wanted more evidence it rolled through Paris with a German flag."
2. "Now they're offering Saddam Hussein safe exile. It's the same deal the Democrats gave Al Gore."
3. "Did you see the 2-hour Michael Jackson documentary? Is it just me, or did he seem a little off?"
4. "Michael Jackson claimed he's only had two nose jobs. That's like Bill Clinton claiming he's only had two ..."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Over 26,000,000 people watched the Michael Jackson documentary. Michael wanted to know how it did with boys aged 8 to 12."
2. "The national alert system has gone from yellow to orange — or as they explained it to President Bush, from Bert to Ernie."
3. "Celine Dion has come out with her own perfume. She says, 'It's my dream to poison all the senses.'"
4. "There's a new supersize ambulance for very obese people. The siren even sounds like an ice cream truck."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The Michael Jackson special was so weird the Elephant Man was turning over in his special display crypt."
2. "Colin Powell has presented evidence that Iraq is developing its own Michael Jackson."

Thursday, February 6, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Last night is the first time our audience has ever called for a preemptive strike."
2. "New York construction workers have been drinking on the job. Yesterday on Madison Avenue I was hit by a falling lime."
3. "You know, my cab driver today, I think I spotted him in a Colin Powell surveillance photo."
4. "Colin Powell didn't convince France, Russia or Sean Penn, even though he had proof that Saddam Hussein bet on baseball."
5. "Michael Jackson was so upset by that documentary on him that he dangled himself from a balcony."

Jay Leno:
1. "Dr. Phil is on the show tonight. He spent the afternoon slapping Michael Jackson around. Michael said his first sexual experience was in elementary school. He was 25. He lets young boys sleep in his bed, but not on a school night. He calls himself Peter Pan. I think Peter Phile would be more like it."
2. "In the Security Council Mexico is sitting on the fence. The one time we want them to come over the fence ..."
3. "Phil Spector was arrested for murdering a woman at his house, but I'm not going to believe he's guilty until an L.A. jury finds him innocent."
4. "That wife in Houston who ran over her cheating husband three times and killed him says they were best friends and very much in love. Oh, sure, there were some bumps in the road ..."
5. "In New York a homeless guy was arrested for robbing 12 banks in the past year. That's how bad the economy is. You rob 12 banks, and you're still homeless."
6. "Moms are better at baby talk than dads. Duh. For a dad, baby talk is, 'Here, you take him.'"
7. "Women who experimented with lesbianism in college but have gone back to men are called hasbiens."
8. "Today there was a lingerie show for plus-size women. The runway was at Kennedy International."
9. "The Bachelorette is down to two guys, and she can't choose, because she loves them both. If a guy loves two women he gets run over three times in his driveway."
10. "Bill Clinton appeared on-stage with the Rolling Stones tonight. He asked the Stones to dedicate 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction' to Hillary."
11. "Teenage Japanese girls are playing orgy roulette, where they compete to see how many guys they can sleep with without getting pregnant. The parents are horrified, and Fox is going, 'Why didn't we think of that?'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Colin Powell told Congress today that the crisis will be brought to a head within weeks. He was talking, of course, about 'Joe Millionaire.'"
2. "Jenny Jones is retiring. She said that after 12 years she's just not getting the same quality albino Nazis."
3. "Lane Bryant had a fashion show with plus-size models, but Anna Nicole Smith was not allowed to appear. She was barred by the fire marshall."
4. "On 'Fear Factor' they made contestants eat horse rectums. We're going further than that. Tonight we're going to make a horse rectum watch 'Kangaroo Jack.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Iraqis are confused over how we overheard conversations conducted on two tin cans and a string."
2. "Bottle of the Bulge: Cialis is the new 24-hour Viagra, forcing you to think of grandad taking care of business all night long."
3. "Lane Bryant had a lingerie show featuring plus-size models, proving you don't have to be skinny to be objectified."

Jon Stewart:
1. "On Colin Powell's speech the Iraqis were more critical than Simon Cowell at a karaoke concert."
2. "Afghanistan is allowing women to drive. All they need now are roads. The group most looking forward to women drivers are Afghanistan's standup comedians."

Wednesday, February 5, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Colin Powell gave a great presentation at the U.N. today. Afterwards representatives of 60 countries all asked the same thing: 'Why isn't he President?'"
2. "It turns out people exercise more and eat healthier food when economic times are tough. This isn't a recession. It's the Bush Health Plan."
3. "There's a really tough new reality show: 'Phil Spector's Elimidate.' He'd just met the woman who got killed two hours earlier. That's when you really know a date's not going well. The headline today said Phil Spector was accused of murdering a B-movie actress. Only in L.A. does the level of the actress make a legal difference. If she'd been A-level, he would have been denied bail. Phil Spector was known for the wall of sound. Now he's facing the chair of electricity."
4. "Pilots are going to be allowed to carry guns — to protect themselves against Courtney Love."
5. "The Michael Jackson interview is going to be shown on tv tomorrow. The title is 'Kids' Fear Factor.'"
6. "Kathie Lee's dog died. Now Frank Gifford has the doghouse all to himself."
7. "Joe Millionaire is down to two girls: dumb and dumber."

David Letterman:
1. "Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Ram, but I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks."
2. "After Iraq the U.S. wants to disarm Phil Spector."
3. "Colin Powell spoke at the U.N. today, and afterwards they were skeptical, unresponsive — wait, I'm sorry, that was last night's audience."
4. "A study showed most men would like to have Ben Affleck's nose. I'd like to have his luck."
5. "They now have Viagra that lasts 24 hours. That's 23 hours 58 minutes more than I need."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "President Bush has cut funding for Public Television, so today Bert and Ernie were spotted at a sperm bank. I wonder what magazine they look at."
2. "Michael Jackson claims he's only had two nose jobs, and they were just so he could sing higher. He had his testicles removed just for fun."
3. "A man who went to Oxford with Bill Clinton says they both dated a woman who later became a radical lesbian. Clinton said, 'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'"
4. "Saddam Hussein says he used to have weapons of mass destruction, but they were stolen by Kangaroo Jack, and he won't give them back."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Irritable Colin News: At the U.N. Colin Powell claimed Iraq has not fully disarmed."
2. "Celine Dion has come out with her own perfume. She's thought of another way to ruin a perfectly nice elevator ride."
3. "Here are the new Quest step-down cigarettes. If cigarettes are good after sex, Quests are good after dry humping."

Jon Stewart:
1. "We're not only deciding whether to go to war with Iraq, Joe Millionaire is down to two girls, and the Bachelorette is down to a small gangbang."
2. "At the United Nations Colin Powell showed why the U.S. is second-to-none in Power Point."
3. Mo Rocca on SUVs: "Why must they be so big? Americans need their space. Just ask the Indians."

Tuesday, February 4, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "The U.N. inspectors have finally found the smoking gun. It was at Phil Spector's house. He's out on bail. All the cops had is the victim, the weapon and the motive. You can't hold a celebrity in L.A. on just that."
2. "Bill Clinton is going to appear on-stage with the Rolling Stones at the Staples Center in a benefit concert. Well, it's the Forty Licks Tour. Clinton says he may stand next to Keith Richards, but he won't inhale."
3. "February is the shortest month of the year — especially if your name is Saddam."
4. "Soldiers are freezing their sperm before going off to the Mideast. And they're also building up their grip for hand-to-hand combat."
5. "The #2 Republican in the Senate just had heart bypass surgery. There's nothing wrong with his heart, but when you're a Republican leader you have to have your heart bypassed. With the Democrats it's the brain."
6. "Courtney Love was arrested on a Virgin Airlines flight. You can do your own joke. She's harder on flight attendants than Frank Gifford."
7. "A couple is suing McDonald's because the husband broke his tooth on a bagel, and it ruined their sex life. There's a strong marriage. 'I chipped a tooth.' "I'm outta here.'"
8. "Philip Morris has changed its name to Atria. Here are a few they rejected: Chuck E Wheeze, Polyp Morris, Hack in the Box, Lungcrafters and El Smoko Loco."

David Letterman:
1. "Now in New York to make a local call you have to dial eleven digits. That's it. I'm joining a gym."
2. "Courtney Love went crazy on a transAtlantic flight and beat up the whole flight crew. She said she was just filling in for Diana Ross. At least she scared the crap out of the two terrorists on the flight."
3. "Phil Spector is accused of shooting a woman at his house. At least Robert Blake will take the woman out to dinner first." (Jay Leno made the same joke tonight.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "One of the guys on 'The Bachelorette' was arrested trying to smuggle drugs onto a plane. Now he'll be playing a bachelorette for the next three to five years."
2. "The Vatican is naming a patron saint of the internet. The leader so far is Saint Alissa of Milano."
3. "Philip Morris is changing its name to Atria because it sounds nicer. Lung cancer has changed its name to Mr. Chest Boo-boo."
4. "Michael Jackson says he sees the face of God in children. God usually screams and runs the other way."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "In Iraq weapons inspectors found a missile body in a shed. Hussein said, 'Don't be fooled by the body that I got. I'm just plain Saddam from the block.'"
2. 'Courtney Love was arrested on a plane to Europe. The first sign Love was on the plane was the announcement, 'This is your captain itching.' The only things in the upright position were her legs."

Jon Stewart:
1. Stephen Colbert: "How many U.N. weapons inspectors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows. Saddam Hussein says there are no lightbulbs."
2. "Chem Fatale: A study by the Center for Disease Control shows lower levels of lead in our bodies, partly because of the removal of lead from gasoline and partly because they've stopped manufacturing the cookies Paint Chips Ahoy."

Monday, February 3, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Conan is off Mondays.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Kathie Lee Gifford's toy poodle was eaten by a coyote. There's no joke. I just thought America could use some good news. Onlookers said the poodle actually ran toward the coyote."
2. "A study shows breast implants don't cause health problems for women. There's some good news to jump up and down about."
3. "Greg on 'The Bachelorette' was arrested at the airport for cocaine possession. Security guards became suspicious when Whitney Houston met him at the gate with a rose."
4. "Democrats quickly pointed out that Bush's new budget will lead to a trillion-dollar deficit. Bush replied, 'Look over there — Saddam Hussein!'"
5. "It's Chinese New Year, the Year of the Ram. It's the day when a billion people rush to join a gym."

David Letterman:
1. "Saddam Hussein might go into exile, but the only offer he's had so far is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch."
2. "The world's oldest man just died at 122, moving Michael Douglas into the top ten."

Jay Leno:
1. "Saddam Hussein is creating a buffer zone in northern Iraq, which could extend the war by up to seven minutes."
2. "In Germany a man mistook a salami these guys in a car were passing around for a shotgun and called the police. So remember, guys, always hide the salami."
3. "A man has been arrested for the 1957 killing of two police officers. When the Chief of Police of Boulder, Colorado, heard about it he was astounded at the quick work."
4. "The #1 snack food in America is the potato chip. Do you know what the least favorite snack is? There isn't any. That's why we're so fat."
5. "The UCLA basketball team has lost 8 games in a row. Things are so bad the players are skipping the games and attending class."
6. "The Vatican now says the 'Harry Potter' books are ok. That's kind of creepy, isn't it — the thought of a bunch of priests sitting around reading 'Harry Potter?'"
7. "Record producer Phil Spector is accused of killing some woman at his mansion. And there's no bail. He's a risk to do run run."
8. "HBO is doing a reality series set in a trailer park. It's called 'Joe Hundredaire.'"
9. "One of the guys on 'The Bachelorette' was arrested at the airport with cocaine. And there's a guy on Cellblock D with a rose for him."
10. "Now they're saying 'American Idol' winner Kelly Clarkson appeared in gay videos. Kelly? Do you believe that? Justin maybe."
11. Headlines: Ad: "Need salesman to penetrate existing customers." Story about a man who broke an arm and both legs in a car wreck: "Police said he was lucky to walk away from the crash." Another story: "The man said he was upset because his wife was cheating on him, and so was his girlfriend." Classified ad: "Free small adult organ."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Navy Seals: The Navy is training sea lines to combat enemies in the Persian Gulf."