June '03 Strange's Late-Nite-TV Zingerwinners

Monday, June 30, Thank You, Jesus. All Five Are on Vacation.

Friday, June 27, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon was in reruns.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Supreme Court has ruled that sex between two men is legal — and sex between two women is exciting."
2. "We've arrested the former Iraqi Minister of Information. He says he's now just living in an exclusive gated community."
3. "A travel magazine says the two best resorts for nude sunbathing are in California and West Virginia. The one in West Virginia is topless and toothless."
4. "A tabloid claims Ashton Kutcher was arrested in high school for stealing the answers on an exam. When Demi Moore heard about it, she grounded him."
5. "Japan Airlines has unveiled a new jumbo jet with a giant photo of the N.Y. Yankee's Japanese player on the side. The N.Y. Mets have painted their entire team on the side of a special ed bus."

David Letterman (Guest Host Jimmy Fallon):
1. "Dave strained his calf muscle today at Pilates. He said to do what he does, so I had a few drinks backstage and hit on an intern."
2. "On 'Saturday Night Live' I'm on 'Weekend Update' where we make up stuff about the news. I'm sorry; that's the New York Times."
3. "Dave has been doing this show 21 years, which is almost the age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher."
4. "I too am drawn to older women, and I've written a song about it: We'll go back to your place and clap off the light." ... "Get Judge Judy to disrobe tonight." ... "Let me whisper something in your Miracle Ear." ... "I'm young and hip, and you had yours replaced." ... "I want to pay Martha Stewart a long conjugal visit." ... "You've fallen, and I can get up."

Jay Leno:
1. "One of the guys arrested with Snoop Dogg was an agent of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. His job was to make sure Snoop had enough alcohol, tobacco and firearms."
2. "The Supreme Court overturned the sodomy laws, and then Siegfried overturned Roy. 'Will & Grace' is now 'Will & Bruce.' They don't need Grace anymore."
3. "Strom Thurmond died. Cause of death? He was a hundred. In his will he freed his slaves."
4. "A new machine for passenger screening at airports sees right through clothing. Listen, if it keeps the screeners awake ..."
5. "A Baptist minister was fired for being a prostitute while wearing a wig and make-up. He wasn't fired for being a transvestite hooker. Turns out he was also dancing."
6. "McDonald's is promoting step exercise classes. Listen, you should just walk your fat ass past McDonald's."
7. "In New York a cab driver was shot 8 times. He was treated and released the same day. That's a bad HMO."
8. "In the next Harry Potter movie he's all grown up. It's 'Dirty Harry Potter.'"
9. Guest Johnny Depp still has the gold teeth he wore for his new pirate movie. Jay: "Did the studio execs think the gold teeth made you look more like a pimp than a pirate? They both go, 'Yo ho.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "In San Diego a man was arrested for passing out nude on a golf course. This was bittersweet news for the golfer who'd just made his first hole-in-one."
2. "Demi Moore has just signed to star in 'Harry Potter and the Horny Old Actress.'"

Thursday, June 26, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon was in reruns.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Supreme Court has ruled that sex between two men is legal. This ruling could add an hour to Siegfried and Roy's show."
2. "Tests showed that almost all paper money in Europe has traces of cocaine. So not only is the euro stronger than the dollar; it's louder and more obnoxious as well."
3. "Doctors say there are many undiagnosed cases of attention deficit disorder among adults. When asked if there's a cure, the doctors said, 'For what?'"

David Letterman:
1. "It was so hot today, instead of a turban my cab driver was wearing a bamboo steamer."
2. "We arrested the Iraqi Minister of Information, who said, 'You can't arrest me. I'm Batman.'"
3. "Voters in the U.S. say they'd be reluctant to give Bush a second term. Strictly speaking, we didn't give him a first term."
4. Guest Luke Wilson: "I wasn't that great a student. I was disappointed to find out I wasn't dyslexic."

Jay Leno:
1. "Sodomy is now legal, but please wait until after the monologue. The sodomy laws have been overturned, so now we can overturn each other."
2. "Gomorra is still against the law."
3. "It was so hot today Snoop Dogg's entourage was sweatin' bullets."
4. "We still haven't found Saddam or Osama. We should send the 'Where Are They Now' people to find them."
5. "The Fed has reduced the interest rate to 1%. Bush should refinance the deficit while rates are so low."
6. "In Ohio a 20-year-old rifled his parents' safe and stole $20,000, most of which he spent on hookers. And the rest he just wasted."
7. "The two top books are 'Harry Potter' and Hillary's book. One is a complete work of fiction, and the other is a children's book."
8. "The next book will be 'Harry Potter Nails Demi Moore.'"
9. "Taking a nap in the afternoon can really refresh you — so much that you'll be able to go out and find a new job after your boss fires you."
10. "David Beckham, the world's biggest soccer star has been traded, and he's going to have a 3-hour physical shown on pay-per-view. It'll be 'Bend Over Like Beckham.'"
11. "What do you call Justin and Kelly at the Oscars? Seat fillers. What's Ashton Kutcher's best pickup line? 'Can I help you across the street, ma'am?'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "There's a rumor that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are breaking up. I overheard her tell him, 'We'll always have Space Mountain.'"
2. "A bill to provide medicine for senior citizens has stalled in Congress, and seniors are planning a Million Man Nap."
3. "During filming of 'Spiderman 3' a cable snapped, and Toby Maguire fell fifteen feet. Luckily his fall was broken by the sock in his crotch."
4. "Music companies are going to start suing individual computer users who illegally download music, leading 16-year-olds to exclaim, 'You can buy music?!' At first the music companies are just going to go after people downloading Clay Aiken's music, because they obviously don't know right from wrong."

Wednesday, June 25, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Jon was in reruns.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I saw the new 'Charlie's Angels.' It's sort of 'The Hours' with surfboards."
2. "Good news. Monkey pox has spread from Justin to Kelly."
3. "Whitney Houston is pregnant. Do you think she'll have natural childbirth or go with the drugs?"
4. "A prisoner escaped using a fake gun made of paper. He was capturing while frantically trying to fold a getaway car."
5. "Madonna is going to be doing a reality show — 'Sex With the City.'"
6. "U.S. troops have captured the Iraqi Minister of Information, Comical Ali. He was in 'Whose Lie Is It Anyway.' He has an American counterpart, Comical Ari."

David Letterman:
1. "Because of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs. I hope this doesn't affect the price of Whoppers."
2. "McDonald's has quit putting antibiotics in its meat. Now their hamburgers just contain a decongestant."
3. "The Iraqi Information Minister in custody. He says, 'No I'm not. I'm on vacation in Miami Beach.'"

Jay Leno:
1. "President Bush has finally found weapons of mass destruction — in Snoop Dogg's car. Police found guns, body armor and marijuana in his car, plus shizzle and some fabizzle. Snoop could get five years in prison — which is 35 in dogg years."
2. "I'll be performing my rap act tonight as Puff Chinny Chin. Until Pamela Anderson comes out. Then I'll be Old Dirty Bastard. Her rap name is Busta Bra."
3. "Bill Clinton is mad. He says President Bush is erasing his accomplishments. I guess Bush cleaned the rug in the Oval Office." (Conan did the exact same joke.)
4. "If you want your picture taken with Bush you have to make a big donation. Gov. Gray Davis has a similar thing. He gets a photo of himself with you and publishes it if you don't pay him $5,000. His approval rating is down to 21%, and that's in his immediate family."
5. "California is last in managing our money. We're below M.C. Hammer."
6. "A study found that the drug for male pattern baldness also lowers the risk of prostate cancer. The bad thing is that you grow hair on your prostate. Now there's a really bad combover."
7. "Now libraries can be forced to put anti-porn filters on their computers, and adults have to ask the librarian to remove them. 'Excuse me, Miss Fitzgerald, can you turn on the porn machine?'"
8. "The new Harry Potter book is 870 pages. I know because I read the whole thing while waiting in line to buy it."
9. "A woman is doing a three-year study on blondes to get her Ph.D.. She herself is a blonde, which is why the study is taking three years."
10. "A former nun hit a $1.5-million casino jackpot. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot."
11. "A study says taking birth control pills makes a woman's voice more pleasant. Of course. 'Yes' is always more pleasant than 'no.'"
12. "Demi Moore took Ashton Kutcher to 'Terminator 3' over the weekend. She didn't want to go, but it was rated 'R,' so he couldn't get in without her."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are making a movie together. The movie will be released in May of next year, and Bobby will be released in June."
2. "At the Black Entertainment Awards James Brown was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award by Michael Jackson. What was Michael Jackson doing at the Black Entertainment Awards?"

Tuesday, June 24, Winner Conan O'Brien
(Jon was in reruns.)

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In a poll 66% of Americans couldn't name a single Supreme Court Justice, and the other 34% thought the Chief Justice was Simon Cowell."
2. "At a Bush fundraiser last night the crowd started yelling, 'Four more years!' They were estimating how long it would be before we find any weapons of mass destruction."
3. "On her web site Barbra Streisand is trying to get blacks and Jews to unite to defeat Bush. But no black person ever logs onto her site."
4. "Lil Kim had $250,000 in jewelry stolen at JFK. Airport security spent hours searching with bling-bling sniffing dogs."
5. Conan: "That's a nice skirt." Amy Sedaris: "It looks better on the floor."

David Letterman:
1. "I know it's summer. Today in his Hello Deli Rupert Gee was putting chlorine in the chicken soup."
2. "McDonald's is phasing out beef with antibiotics, so now you can get a Big Mac without a prescription."
3. "In Iraq they're using DNA testing on bodies in that destroyed convoy to see if Saddam Hussein is dead. It's the same test the Democrats used on Al Gore. They got Hussein's sample through a Baath Party intern."
4. "Here in New York yesterday Bush had a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser — or as tourists call it, room service."
5. "At the dinner Bush spoke for 25 minutes, trying to pronounce the items on the menu."
6. "At $2,000 a head that was the most expensive head that did not cause impeachment."

Jay Leno:
1. "We may have killed Saddam Hussein in that convoy. That's the 23rd time we've killed him. He's been killed more often than Kenny on 'South Park.'"
2. "Bush criticized Europe's position on genetically altered food, saying it wasn't based on fact. And you know he hates countries that make decisions that aren't based on facts."
3. "Kids played tee-ball on the White House lawn this weekend, but there was a scandal — a corked bat."
4. "Republicans are upset that federal funds are being used by the Kinsey Institute to study sexual arousal. Republicans are against using federal funds to study sexual arousal unless the study leads to impeachment."
5. "Governor Gray Davis refuses to resign. Well, with the California economy the way it is, he'd never find a job."
6. "Davis is trying to solve the state's fiscal problems by tripling the vehicle registration fee. If the really wants to raise money he should tax marijuana and Botox."
7. "The Supreme Court says public libraries have to filter out pornography. The Mormons have gone even further and removed the 't' and 'a' keys."
8. "A 'terrorist comedian' crashed Prince William's 21st birthday party. The Royal Family said, 'At least it wasn't Carrot Top.' Did you see the Queen's date? Ashton Kutcher."
9. "Kelly Ripa says that before she had kids she was the most self-centered woman on earth. So she was the perfect replacement for Kathie Lee."
10. "Whitney Houston is pregnant. Bobby Brown says they don't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as it doesn't grow up to become a narc."
11. "Saturday was the longest day of the year, especially if you had to sit through 'From Justin to Kelly.'"
12. "Bill Clinton was spotted talking to Kim Cattrell. That's something, the star of 'Sex & the City' talking to Kim Cattrell."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Spotted holding hands in West Hollywood, Shrek and The Hulk."
2. "The White House is asking Bill Clinton to help with weapons of mass destruction. Not finding them. Lying about them."
3. "'Finding Nemo' has led kids to ask for clown fish. And when the kids find the fish can't talk, it's 'Flushing Nemo.'"
4. Craig showed a forest before and after the printing of 'Harry Potter.'
5. "In India yesterday there was an underwater wedding in a swimming pool. The guests said, 'When the bride submerged, I totally saw nipple.'"

Monday, June 23, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Conan and Jon were in reruns.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Mile Tyson got into a vicious street brawl over the weekend. Two guys were trying to cut in front of him in the 'Harry Potter' line. Forget Busey. I want to follow Tyson around."
2. "A tractor trailer turned over, releasing 25,000,000 bees. But don't worry; they're stuck in traffic."
3. "Hire balloonerals. They make funerals fun."
4. "U.S, troops wiped out an Iraqi convoy, and they're testing DNA to see if they got Saddam Hussein. But even Hussein's DNA has doubles."

David Letterman:
1. "We're having the rainiest June on record. In Central Park today I saw a squirrel with mildew on his nuts."
2. "Saturday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. In fact, it was so long it's still Saturday."
3. "I know it's summer, because today my cab driver was wearing a lemon-scented turban."
4. "I hope Saddam Hussein isn't dead. He's supposed to guest host here Friday."
5. "As we speak President Bush is two blocks away raising funds. He loves New York. It's so easy to find weapons of mass destruction."
6. "Bush pulled a muscle in his leg. It's the first time he's pulled a leg since that Iraqi weapons of mass destruction thing."
7. "'People Magazine' named the 25 hottest bachelors — and 6 of them were Catholic priests."
8. "Today Saddam Hussein was checking want ads in 'Ruthless Dictator Magazine.' To stay sharp he's torturing himself. This afternoon he went to the Homicidal-Son/Psychotic-Father picnic. Saddam is glad Mayor Bloomberg's approval rating is lower than his. Tonight Saddam placed 3rd in the 15th annual Burt Reynolds Look-Alike Contest."
9. Dave sent a big man dressed as The Hulk out on the streets. He asked, "Do you know where I can find a bright green hooker?"

Jay Leno:
1. "In bookstores these days you can read about the Harry Potter tale or read about the Bill Clinton tail."
2. "J.K. Rowling said she cried when she killed off a character. Hillary said, 'You can kill off a character?'"
3. "The next book in the series is 'Harry Potter & The Bishop of Phoenix.'"
4. "This weekend there were lines around the block — to get refunds for the 'From Justin to Kelly' movie. 'From Justin to Kelly' — doesn't that sound like a transvestite film?"
5. "In 'The Hulk' Nick Nolte plays a crazed scientists who injects himself with all sorts of weird drugs. There's a stretch."
6. "The Hulk goes berserk and terrorizes people in a hotel. Sorry, that's Mike Tyson. Two men were taunting him about his facial tattoos. Sure I do it, from 3,000 miles away."
7. "Did you see the fight, where Lennox Lewis cut the guys eye open? Even O.J. said, 'That's the worst cut I've ever seen.'"
8. "The Arena Bowl was held over the weekend, and do you know who won? Seriously, do you know who won? NBC gets Arena Football again next year. We beat out the Cooking Channel."
9. "President Bush had a leg injury. His foot was run over by a wheelbarrowful of cash."
10. "Governor Gray Davis has tripled car registration fees. In L.A. people say, 'Registration fees? What are those?' It's going to raise $4 billion in revenue. And that's just from me."
11. "Congratulations to Geraldo Rivera who got engaged and gave his fiancé a 6-carat diamond. The bad news is, the Iraqi Museum wants it back."
12. "Lil Kim got robbed at JFK of a $250,000 necklace. And that was her whole costume."
13. "There's a new strapless bra that's just two silicone gel cups — or as we call them in L.A., breasts."
14. "In a poll 76% of men said they wouldn't get serious about a woman who slept with them on the first date. They would, however, be very serious about getting a second date."
15. Headlines: "Need trainee for new disturbing company." Classified: "Daughter quit school. Must sell." Ad for "After-Easter Tarantula Sale." The Chief of Police of Columbus, Ohio, lost his cell phone and pistol from a car being washed by prisoners." Classified: "For sale. 1990 Vulva V70."

Friday, June 20, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Jon is off Fridays.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Yesterday Rudy Giuliani shook Bill Clinton's hand — or as Hillary calls it, going all the way."
2. "'People Magazine' named Hollywood's 25 hottest hunks. I was 1,012, between Gary Busey and monkey pox."
3. "Guess Who's Coming to Dinar: In Iraq we captured the Ace of Diamonds. He admitted the location of the weapons of mass destruction — in our imaginations."
4. "Harry Potter will knock Hillary's book out of the top spot. For two weeks the #1 book has been about a witch."
5. "Demi Moore promised to buy Ashton Kutcher a copy of 'Harry Potter' if he eats his vegetables and has sex."
6. "NASCAR has dumped Winston as its main sponsor in favor of Nextel. What's better when you're driving 200 miles an hour than talking on a cell phone?"
7. "Ricky Martin is back. Oops, he's gone again."
8. "The world's best darts player has died at 61. Cause of death was the world's worst darts player."

David Letterman (Guest Host Kelsey Grammer):
1. "I'm Kelsey Grammer, and I'm listening."
2. "Dave couldn't be her tonight. He's in line to see 'The Hulk.'"
3. "It's not surprising we can't find any weapons of mass destruction. We still haven't been able to find O.J.'s weapons."
4. "It's the last season for 'Frasier.' In the last episode we're going to shoot the old man in his barcalounger."

Jay Leno:
1. "Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean's teenage son was arrested for stealing alcohol. Worse, he stole it from the Bush twins."
2. "The judge has set Martha Stewart's trial for January. That seems a long time, but Martha needs the time to send out invitations, choose a centerpiece for the defense table, plan the menu ..."
3. "Bill Clinton is writing a cookbook, and he's basing the recipes on people he knows. There'll be Paula Jones Pigs in a Blanket, and the Lewinsky Open-Face Sandwich Wrapped in Tobacco Leaves."
4. "A deer wandered into an airport terminal. He saw his reflection in the big glass windows and tried to mate with himself. The same thing once happened to Geraldo."
5. "The new Harry Potter book is expected to knock Hillary's book out of first place. Both books are about guys who have trouble controlling their wands."
6. "In the new book Harry Potter is 15, the awkward age. He's too old for Michael Jackson and too young for Demi Moore."
7. "Paul McCartney says that at 61 he's smoking less marijuana. He just eats it for roughage."
8. "Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher attended the premiere of 'Charlie's Angels 2.' Demi explained to Ashton that it used to be a tv show."
9. "Did you notice when the Hulk gets big his shirt rips off but his pants don't? Think of the wedgie he must get."
10. "Here are some of the titles being considered for Bill Clinton's cookbook: '101 Things to Do with a Butterball — Plus Some Turkey Recipes,' 'Corn Dogs for Horn Dogs,' 'The Fat's the Best Part,' 'How to Make Sticky Buns,' 'If It's Hot, Blow on It,' and 'Nobody Doesn't Want to Nail Sara Lee.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Author J.K. Rowling says that in the new book Harry Potter's hormones kick in. He starts dating Demi Moore."
2. "A study found New York City is among the least likely to help strangers. The only time we helped a stranger was when we elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate."
3. "Anna Kornakova won't be able to play in Wimbledon because of a back injury. Oddly enough, her odds of winning Wimbleton remain exactly the same."
4. "Yankee manager Joe Torre says he knows what he's doing and has four rings to prove it. Jennifer Lopez tells Ben Affleck the same thing."

Thursday, June 19, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "President Bush threw a party for a thousand people on the White House lawn. That's a big affair. Of course the contract went to Haliburton."
2. "Martha Stewart showed up in court today with a matching set of color-coordinated shysters."
3. "In London 8,000 Harry Potter books were stolen. Winona?"
4. "Wrigley's is developing a Viagra chewing gum. They're calling it Clinteen."

Jay Leno:
1. "President Bush says people who turn to religion in prison don't return. And of course there's always a priest just a few cells away."
2. "Scott Peterson, accused murderer, is getting hundreds of love letters in prison, and Governor Gray Davis is getting recalled."
3. "Hispanics now outnumber African-Americans. Jesse Jackson says, 'Don't blame me. I'm doing my part.'"
4. "There's a definite link between pesticides and low sperm counts. If you have so many bugs you're spraying Raid down there ..."
5. "This weekend is the air guitar competition. There aren't winners and losers, just losers."
6. "Clay Aiken of 'American Idol' doesn't believe in premarital sex, has 16 pairs of shoes and isn't gay. But he's in the gay training program."
7. "Ashton Kutcher is going to be in a movie classic this weekend — Demi Moore."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I saw the 'American Idol' movie 'From Justin to Kelly.' My review: from theaters to video."
2. "'People Magazine' named Hollywood's 25 Hottest Bachelors — or as I call it, maybe two straight guys."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Author J.K. Rowling said she sobbed uncontrollably when one of the Harry Potter characters died. Hillary Clinton said she sobbed uncontrollably when one of the characters in her book didn't."
2. "Canada is expected to legalize gay marriage. In Canada a gay marriage is one in which the husband doesn't watch hockey."

Jon Stewart:
1. "In England $200,000-worth of Harry Potter books were stolen. The only clue was a puddle of unicorn blood. Wait a minute! Valdemort!"
2. "Crap & Gown: Graduates face the worst job market in 20 years."
3. "Superfund Site: Bush raised over $3,000,000 at a fundraiser where people paid $2,000 for hot dogs, hamburgers and nachos. For $3,000 you got to enter the exclusive fixin's area."

Wednesday, June 18, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Crime is way down in New York because of Mayor Bloomberg's $50 tax on murder."
2. "George W raised $3,000,000 at a fundraiser. For $2,000 you got a hot dog or a hamburger, and then you got to ride in the ambulance with Dick Cheney."
3. "In Iraq we captured the Ace of Diamonds. And now we're this close to gin."
4. "Saddam Hussein's daughter says he's alive and has opened a carpet cleaning business in Baghdad with Sean Penn."
5. "Hillary Clinton has made so much money from her book that now she's cheating on Bill."

Jay Leno:
1. "Hillary and Bill both attended a signing for her book. She talked to the well heeled, and he talked to the high heeled."
2. "Bill Clinton is writing a cook book. At last a Clinton book Monica will read. A year ago who'd have believed Bill Clinton would be putting out a cook book and Martha Stewart would be indicted?"
3. "The Rev. Jim Ball has been asking what car Jesus would drive. I don't know, but if he hit a pedestrian he'd stop."
4. "The Phoenix bishop was arrested for hit and run. Witnesses got his license number: 'HOT4KIDS.' He said he thought someone threw something at his car. Yeah, like a person."
5. "Joey Buttafuco and O.J. Simpson are going to fight. But O.J. says only if Joey wears a blonde wig."
6. "Seven hundred copies of the new Harry Potter book were stolen out of a van — by Hillary Clinton."
7. "Who do you think has ripped more pairs of pants out at the seams, The Hulk or Anna Nicole Smith?"
8. "Animators said at first The Hulk looked like Jay Leno, and they wanted him to be more realistic. I'm not realistic?"
9. "There's going to be an air guitar competition — for an imaginary $1,000,000 check."
10. "Scientists say nicotine may cure Altzheimers. You die before you're old enough to get it."
11. "An 80-year-old Pakistani woman is pregnant. That Ashton Kutcher really gets around."
12. "A brothel in Australia is offering a 5% discount for retirees. The bad part is the prostitutes are also retirees."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Demi Moore is now dating Spongebob."
2. "Some high school girls in Pittsburgh started mud wrestling and tearing off each other's clothes. Police arrived and began doing Jello shots."
3. "The difference between the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and the theme park ride is that the movie won't have long lines."
4. "At his fundraising dinner last night President Bush got so much applause when he mentioned his tax cuts that he also announced the invasion of Iran."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In Iraq U.S. forces captured Saddam Hussein's personal secretary. On Secretary's Day Saddam would send the head of a florist."
2. "The World Health Organization says SARS has been stopped dead in its tracks. So the biggest health risk in Montreal is, once again, terminal boredom."
3. "Strom Thurmond, 100, became a grandfather for the first time — to an 82-year-old baby boy."
4. "Clay Aiken of 'American Idol' has announced he's not gay. And Ruben announced he's not fat."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Jessica Lynch had broken limbs and spinal injuries, but now she's awake, so let's milk that baby, turn a woman who almost died for her country into the next Melissa Rivers. Journalists are offering her all sorts of gifts in exchange for interviews, and I'm wondering if that affects their objectivity." Stephen Colbert: "Journalists are giving Jessica objects, thus increasing their objectivity. And Jessica herself? Look, Jon, she's a 20-year-old from Palestine, West Virginia. I think she knows how the media game is played."

Tuesday, June 17, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Zoos are starting to give contraceptives to their animals. I can barely open a condom, and I have thumbs."
2. "An 80-year-old Pakistani woman is pregnant. Her doctor confirmed it and then threw up."
3. "An Army colonel proposed to at least 50 women over the internet. He also convinced them Iraq has chemical weapons."

David Letterman:
1. "There's a nurse shortage in New York City. Luckily there's no shortage of hookers willing to dress up as nurses."
2. "Some human skulls have been found that are 160,000 years old — or as CBS calls them, our prime demographic."
3. "This weekend Hillary Clinton will be signing the new Harry Potter book. She's making so much money with her book that Bill's sleeping with her again."
4. "Hillary was on our show last night, and security was so tight that I was patted down and roughly groped. It was like being a Clinton intern."

Jay Leno:
1. "Joey Butafucco and O.J. Simpson are going to fight on pay-per-view. It's the cheater vs. the wife beater. They'll fight if O.J. can find a pair of gloves that fit."
2. "The Bishop of Phoenix was arrested for a fatal hit and run. At least he wasn't on a date. Arresting a bishop. Talk about making a collar. Today he met with three other Catholic priests — his cellmates."
3. "Scientists found three human skulls 160,000 years old, with weapons nearby. President Bush said, 'I knew we'd find weapons.'"
4. "Hillary Clinton's book is doing so well that Al Gore's written one: 'Hey, I Didn't Know He Was Cheating Either.'"
5. "To compete with 'Harry Potter,' Hillary is putting a new cover on her book: 'Hillary Clinton & the Trousers of Fire.'"
6. "Trent Lott is writing a book, and he's using a ghostwriter — well, it's a guy wearing a sheet."
7. "The Hatfields and McCoys have buried the hatchet. They're like Arabs and Israelis with fewer teeth."
8. "Rapper 50 Cent, who used to be a drug dealer snubbed Whitney Houston in an airport because he didn't recognize her. And she just recognized him from his old job."
9. "A 'Cosmo' poll found 86% of their readers had tried online dating, and 61% said the experience was good. The other 39% are still missing."
10. "The guy who plays the Hulk is on our show tonight. When the Hulk gets mad he grows, until he sees his girlfriend, and then he gets smaller. Does that make sense?"
11. "Guess where the Hulk is right now. In the green room."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Saddam Hussein's daughter says he's still alive. At least someone returned the tie she sent him for Father's Day."
2. "Frank Keating is in trouble for comparing the Catholic Church to the Mafia. He'd better be careful, or he could end up swimming with the loaves and fishes."

Jon Stewart:
1. "License to Pill:" (Adding drug benefits to Medicare.)
2. "Senor Citizen Discount:" (Cheap prescription drugs in Mexico.)

Monday, June 16, Winner Craig Kilborn
(Conan is in reruns on Mondays.)

Craig Kilborn:
1. Craig, crying as he finishes Hillary's book: "Poor Bill. Poor Bill."
2. "I saw Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher shopping this weekend. It was so adorable. She bought him a little pony."
3. "A Chinese guy has an auction site where he's selling one of his kidneys, an eyeball and a testicle. Hey, auction off your computer, stupid."
4. "There's now bubble gum with Viagra. It gets very big and then pops."
5. "The San Antonio Spurs won the NBA championship. They broke out the champagne and celebrated Bush's tax cut."
6. "President Bush toppled off his Segue Scooter, but broke his fall by landing on two people with no health insurance."

David Letterman:
1. "Hillary Clinton's on our show tonight. I wasn't aware of this, but evidently she's written a book."
2. "If you'd told me 3-1/2 years ago that Hillary would be back, I'd have said, 'We'll still be on the air in 3-1/2 years?'"
3. "Today I saw an out-of-towner, who didn't know any better, try to hail an off-duty hooker."
4. "Yesterday was Father's Day. I figure, why get a tie for a guy who only goes out to the liquor store?"
5. "Reports are coming in that Osama bin Laden is broke, is angry, and is planning his revenge. I'm sorry, that's Martha Stewart."

Jay Leno:
1. "It was so hot yesterday I was sweatin' like an NBA player waiting to see who calls on Father's Day."
2. "Congratulations to the NBA's San Antonio Spurs, who won the right to hold the Laker's trophy for a year."
3. "President Bush and his father went fishing. They didn't catch any weapons of mass destruction."
4. "Bush fell off his Segue Scooter, so the Secret Service childproofed it — and told him not to try to eat a pretzel while riding it."
5. "The war in Iraq only cost $220 per American — about the cost of a tank of gas before the war."
6. "Al Qaeda is training Pakistanis to come over here and derail out trains. Amtrak does that quite well, thank you."
7. "We want the Iraqis to surrender their guns, and they're not doing it. So we have installed an American-type democracy."
8. "We have monkey pox, mad cow disease and West Nile virus spread by mosquitoes. This summer is an episode of 'When Animals Attack.'"
9. "Scott Peterson is getting romantic letters from a woman who killed her husband. There's the ultimate 'Elimidate.'"
10. "The Bishop of Phoenix ran over and killed a guy with his car and didn't stop. What's worse, now he says he wants to serve his time in a children's facility. To be fair, it is hard to see through those stained-glass windshields."
11. "The new Harry Potter book is 800 pages, but it still has less hocus-pocus than Hillary's book."
12. "A woman was arrested for driving 60 miles an hour while breast-feeding her baby — who was talking on a cell phone."
13. "These two guys adrift at sea survived by eating raw fish and drinking their own urine. That's disgusting. I hate raw fish."
14. "The movie 'Whale Ride' is winning awards. Wasn't that Bill Clinton's Secret Service name?"
15. Headlines: "Please note, unless otherwise posted, public puking is unrestricted." Announcement: "Christ the King to have flea market Saturday." "Wine Provided by Six Rivers Portable Toilets." Ad: "Men, do you suffer from vaginal dryness?" Ad for "Homowack Hotel." Weddings: Minor-Funk, Toy-Ohta, Hiter-Butz, Hyde-Wood, Weiner-Happe, Johnson-Rector, Poon-Fisher, Gass-Kramp and Ryder-Kracke.

Jon Stewart:
1. "Iran had a non-anti-US protest. So apparently we just have to let them become a theocracy, with 20 years and stir." Stephen Colbert: "I saw some Iranian students carrying an American flag and fireproofing it."
2. "Mess O' Potamia: We're taking Iraqis' guns away from them and promising them universal health care. We're making them Canada?"
3. "We Love Show Biz:" Rob Corddry: "This is the last season for 'Sex & the City.'" Steve Carell: "Those girls love to fuc*." Rob: "They'll be missed."

Friday, June 13. I took the night off. Here's one of my own:

1.San Francisco Examiner, Bruce Bellingham, 6/10/03: Strange de Jim just got back from the North Country, visiting his brother and his family. “On the highway near their lake house a timber truck was rolling up the ramp, “Strange reports. “My brother observed, ‘Look! He’s logging onto the Interstate!’”

Thursday, June 12, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Bill Clinton says he's read his wife's book five times. He just can't tell the truth to save himself."
2. "Hillary insists she's not running for President. That's her version of, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'"
3. "Trent Lott also has a new book: 'When Bad Things Happen to White People.'"
4. "Fourteen members of the House of Representatives got stuck in an elevator together, and it ended badly. They got out."
5. "George Bush, Sr., turned 79, and George W had a hard time thinking of a gift. How do you top giving him Iraq?"
6. "Iraq now has its first boy band. We stopped the bombing too soon. They're called N' Sheep."
7. "The French have hired Woody Allen to promote American tourism in France. He likes France because you can give kids wine."
8. "Half of the world lives on $2 a day. I had no idea Nike was so big."
9. "A woman just woke up from 4-1/2 years in a coma. Her husband spent the whole time by her bedside. When she woke up he said, 'Honey, can you get me a beer?'"
10. "Mexico has a new resort for overweight people: Casa de Lardass. They give you paint rollers for putting on sunblock. Whale watching is big, and there are lots of bars — Snickers Bars ..."
11. "Michael Jackson has been given the key to his hometown, Gary, Indiana. Luckily not the key to the junior high. He said it's nice to be back in Gary."
12. "A&E is doing a movie on Hillary Clinton. They may call it, 'She's 2 Fat; I'm 2 Furious' ... 'Ken Starr Wars' ... 'Bend It Like Monica' ... Crouching Intern, Hidden Cigar' ... 'My Husband Spent Hanukkah in Monica.'"

David Letterman:
1. "Sunday is Father's Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools. Dad doesn't want a tie or a singing fish. Give him $100 in singles and send him to a strip club."
2. "Women love Hillary Clinton's new book. Even Winona Ryder paid for it."
3. "From signing all those books Hillary got a blister on her right hand. The doctor told her to soak it in hot water, bandage it and rest it for a week. I'm sorry; that's what the doctor told Bill."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "J. Lo has fired her manager and her agent. They didn't see it coming, because she didn't marry them first."
2. "Terrorists may rig cell phones to blow up in people's faces. If that happened would you get hit with roaming charges?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "To control monkey pox, authorities have banned the sale of prairie dogs, causing protests from pet store owners and New York City hot dog vendors."
2. "The celebration of the New Jersey Devils winning the Stanley Cup is being held in the arena parking lot. Fans protested it should be held in a nicer place, but the arena parking lot is the nicest place in New Jersey."
3. "There is now a boy band in Baghdad, so the Iraqis do have a weapon of mass destruction."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Hans Off: Hans Blix is retiring."

Wednesday, June 11, Winner Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart:
1. "Pox News: monkey pox ..."
2. "Delayed Reaction: Tom Delay ..."
3. "Maybe some people hide behind the 1st amendment because they're being shot at by people hiding behind the 2nd."
4. Lewis Black: "Kenneth Lay did much worse things than Martha Stewart, but he didn't make us feel guilty for using parsley as a garnish."

David Letterman:
1. "New York was Fun City, and now the Mayor is cracking down on everything. Now you can't smoke in city parks. Fine, but what are we supposed to do after sex?"
2. "The crime rate is so low the City Morgue is now a Starbucks. The only people getting ripped off are the ones buying Hillary's book."
3. "Hillary's book is so successful they're adding a sex scandal to the next 'Harry Potter.'"
4. "Hillary's book is a win-win for Bill. They're making a lot of money, and Hillary's gone on an extended book tour."

Jay Leno:
1. "Father's Day is coming. A hint for President Bush's twin daughters — he'd love it if you'd find some weapons of mass destruction. These days he'd settle for a Tylenol bottle that's been tampered with."
2. "ImClone's Sam Waksal got seven years. Oddly enough, his prison name is 'Martha.' Sammy Sosa loaned him some cork — and told him, 'You know where to put it.'"
3. "The rich are different from you and me. Well, you."
4. "Martha Stewart's lawyers say the prosecutors are finding things that aren't there. Maybe we should send them to Iraq."
5. "A&E is doing a movie on Hillary Clinton — 'Ice Age II.'"
6. "Hillary's book is breaking all records. Bill is feeling such pressure to top it with his book that he's considering telling the truth."
7. "Bill likes Hillary's book so much he's giving it to all his girlfriends instead of 'Leaves of Grass.'"
8. "Now there are hearing aids for cats. Listen, your cat can hear you fine. It's just ignoring you."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The cop asked how fast I was going. I said, 'All I know is I spilled beer all over my hooker.'"
2. "Scientists are trying to reduce cow flatulence. The best method is to ignore it when they say, 'Pull my hoof.'"
3. "It was really awkward when the New Jersey Devils were on the same flight to Disneyland as the Mighty Ducks."
4. "Iraq now has a boy band. Is it too late to unliberate them?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Hillary's book has just passed the 'Harry Potter' book. The public can't get enough of books about witches."
2. "Sam Waksal of ImClone got 7 years in prison, but it's a white collar prison. The worst that can happen is getting gang-audited."
3. "Renee Zellweger is eating 20 donuts a day to gain weight for a movie role. Anna Nicole Smith said, 'Who's she playing, Gandhi?'"

Tuesday, June 10, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn:
1. "In the polls Joe Lieberman is two points behind monkey pox."
2. "Michael Douglas likes to have Catherine Zeta-Jones dress up in a French maid's outfit, complete with feather duster. How old is your husband when you have to dust him?"
3. "Demi Moore is old enough to be Punked by Ashton Kutcher's mother."

David Letterman:
1. "It was such a beautiful day today that the Martha Stewart Grand Jury met in the park."
2. "Crime is way down in New York. Why, it's been weeks since I've been brought out of the subway on a gurney."
3. "Crime being down is such a big story 'The New York Times' is pretending to have three reporters covering it."
4. "Hillary Clinton is in the news. She's the cold calculating blonde who wasn't fingerprinted yesterday."
5. "Hillary signed 1,200 books yesterday. And one in ten of those people had slept with her husband."

Jay Leno:
1. "Hillary is everywhere. Her new book is 562 pages. Why is it that everything the Clintons do is fat?"
2. "Hillary said she figured if Nelson Mandala could forgive, she could too. I didn't know Bill had even slept with Nelson Mandala's wife."
3. "Former ImClone CEO Sam Waksal went to prison today. Martha Stewart and her daughter both dated him. So which one gets the conjugal visit? This could turn into a Jerry Springer show."
4. "Martha Stewart was caught at the Mexican border with an orange beard, $10,000 in cash and her sister's id."
5. "Hillary Clinton said she sympathizes with Martha Stewart, who is a friend of the Clintons. Martha used to visit the Oval Office once a week to clean up the stains."
6. "The New Jersey Devils won the Stanley Cup. Their star player is the most valuable player on ice since Ted Williams."
7. "Phillip Morris is suing the makers of counterfeit Marlboros. The tumors you get are still real."
8. "There's a new resort in Mexico just for overweight people. It's $800 a week. With meals it's $25,000."
9. "A couple just celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. If you're buying them a gift, I'd advise making it something they can use immediately."
10. "Congratulations to Harvey Fierstein who went home with two Tonys Sunday night. One was an award, and the other was a waiter."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The New Jersey Devils defeated the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, after beating the Bad News Bears and the Karate Kid."
2. "Bill Clinton has already read Hillary's book five times. He's spent more time in bed with the book than with Hillary."
3. "The horse Empire Maker won the Belmont Stakes. The jockey said, 'I feel five feet tall.'"
4. "There were a lot of complaints about the two male songwriters of 'Hairspray' kissing on the Tonys. The producers were surprised. They hadn't known any straight people watched the Tonys."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Mess O' Potamia: In Iraq ..."

Monday, June 9, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan is in reruns Mondays.)

Jay Leno:
1. "The Belmont Stakes are over, and Funny Cide has a new name — Puppy Chow."
2. "A&E is going to do a movie about Hillary Clinton with Sharon Stone playing Hillary. Vin Diesel well play Janet Reno, and Monica Lewinsky will be portrayed by Louie Anderson."
3. "Martha Stewart had a 9-count 41-page indictment. She may be the first prisoner ever to cook her own last meal. She won't be executed. In fact, she may get time off for perfect behavior."
4. "The leading executioner in Saudi Arabia says he likes his job and has no trouble sleeping at night. That's good. Listen, when the job stops being fun ..."
5. "John Ashcroft, the head of the federal agency responsible for enforcing the laws against discrimination, has banned the agency's annual gay pride event. In fact, he doesn't even want them to say 'annual.' He says it sounds dirty."
6. "Have you been reading about monkey pox? You catch it from prairie dogs, hence the name."
7. "A study shows that monogamous couples live longer. And cheaters who don't get caught live longer than cheaters who do get caught."
8. Headlines: Ad for "Lulu's Bra & Grill." ... Classified ad: "Treadmill for sale. Call Chubby after 6 p.m."

David Letterman:
1. "Winning a Tony is great, but the real money comes after in stud fees."
2. "Did you see the Belmont Stakes? Funny Cide had the most disappointing three minutes since my honeymoon."
3. "It was so nice today that Martha Stewart was doing outsider trading."
4. "Hillary Clinton is on a 30-city book tour to emphasize what a private person she is. At each signing the first 50 people in line get to sleep with Bill."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "A Texas felon won $5,000,000 in the lottery and used it to finance a coke deal. Can't any of these lottery winners quit their day jobs?"
2. "McDonald's cashiers may all be required to wear full clown make-up. Just how bad is their acne getting?"
3. "Bill Clinton is reading Hillary's book to find out what she doesn't know about so he can do more of that."
4. "Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton, asking about owal sex and adultowy."

Jon Stewart:
1. "The Phantom Menace: On the weapons of mass destruction Donald Rumsfeld said, 'We haven't found Saddam Hussein, and no one is suggesting he doesn't exist.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "President Bush flew over Baghdad in Air Force One, looked down at the destruction and said, 'Don't worry; we'll get whoever did this.'"
2. "Ashton Kutcher, 25, is dating Demi Moore, 40. So when he's 40 — Martha Stewart will still be in jail."
3. "Bill Clinton is so upset over Hillary's memoirs that he's started drinking. Good Lord. We've seen the chicks he hits on sober."
4. "A woman escaped death when a bullet shot by her jealous husband lodged in her breast implant. And I almost lost a thumb."
5. "I corked my pants only once, and then it was just to please the fans."
6. "Bush is now saying 'weapons of mass destruction' is just a metaphor — for a defenseless country with great pools of oil."
7. "A 1,400-pound bull actually invaded a china shop. Witnesses had no idea what to compare it to."

David Letterman (Guest Host Tom Arnold):
1. "You're thinking, 'God, Dave's let himself go!'"
2. "Today I was named Performer of the Year — by the 'New York Times.'"
3. "Funny Cide is trying for racing's Triple Crown in this weekend's Belmont Stakes. I haven't seen a gelding run that fast since my divorce from Roseanne."
4. "Are you skeptical about Ben Affleck and J. Lo? I think they're together until the end of time — assuming an asteroid hits the Earth in the next 12 to 18 months."
5. "Sammy Sosa is in trouble for corking his bat. He doesn't need to do that. He can hit the ball out of the park with just his big heart and God-given steroids."
6. "I'm missing my sister's wedding to fill in for Dave tonight. I went to her last one. I'll go to her next one."
7. "Shelby and I have been married almost a year. The first year's the hardest, and then the second's even harder."
8. Guest Darryl Hammond: "Dick Cheney always has that look, 'I could have a dead hooker put in your hotel room if I wanted.'" Then Darryl said he'd remarried his old wife. Tom: "It's spicier having sex with your ex-wife isn't it? It's like you're cheating on yourself."

Jay Leno:
1. "Big guest news. Martha Stewart is going to be on our show June 12 — when she gets out in 2018. She's in trouble because she 'made false statements,' and that's very bad. Unless Bush does it so he can go to war."
2. "Hillary Clinton says she feels Monica is behind her. And Bill always felt Monica was beneath him."
3. "Hillary says that when Bill came to her bedroom to confess she was shocked — that he knew where her bedroom was."
4. "She says Bill then spent a lot of time with Buddy the dog. Or at least that's how he explained the scratches."
5. "There's security footage of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman in the back of a pickup when he was Governor. Both the truck and the girl were half-ton pickups."
6. "Bush says if we pay farmers to grow enough corn to turn into ethanol we can postpone our next attack on the Middle East by up to 3 years."
7. "Iraqis are demanding a leader elected by the majority of the voters. Good luck. We don't even have that here."
8. "Phil Specter says his date shot herself. And she was so devious she had him hold the gun."
9. "Funny Side is running in the Belmont. O.J. has a horse in the race — Homi Side."
10. "It's supposed to rain for the Cubs game this Sunday, but Sammy Sosa's bat can be used as a flotation device."
11. "Hillary Clinton grew up in the Midwest, and she's a big Cubs fan. Why is she only drawn to men who cheat?"
12. "Madonna's planning to star in another movie. The Feds got Martha Stewart and that Olympic bomber guy. Can't they get Madonna and make it a trifecta?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "'A&E' is making a movie about Hillary Clinton with Sharon Stone as Hillary. Bill Clinton has volunteered to play himself."
2. "The Justice Department won't allow gay employees to hold their annual pride event. It's part of John Ashcroft's new 'Don't ask; don't be gay' policy."
3. "The Yankees play the Cubs at Wrigley Field for the first time since the World Series of 1938. Cubs fans said, 'What's a World Series?'"

Thursday, June 5, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Martha Stewart was indicted. Her card was the queen of diamonds. In court she took a hot plate out of her purse and made omelets for everyone. She thinks of herself as an extra-white collar criminal."
2. "Hillary Clinton finally came out with her memoirs. The book took so long to write because Bill was always using the desk for a date."
3. "Monica Lewinsky has decided not to comment on Hillary's book. Now she decides to keep her mouth shut."
4. "The Dow Jones has shot up over 9,000. The minute Bush leaves the country ..."
5. "Our first guest tonight, Terry Bradshaw, may lose his job at Fox Sports. Turns out his head is corked."
6. "Today one of the Detroit Tigers corked his bat and got a single." Kevin Eubanks: "Maybe you should cork your jokes."
7. "A brothel in Nevada is offering free sex to returning servicemen. It's the shock and 'ore campaign."
8. "A couple just celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. He's 110. Know what kept them together all those years? Gauze."
9. "Phil Specter says he didn't shoot his date. He claims she shot herself, committed suicide. How bad a date was he?"
10. "Richard Chamberlain admitted he's gay. And Richard Simmons admitted ... he's always suspected Richard Chamberlain was gay."
11. "Today I saw a young guy helping an old lady across the street, but it was just Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore."
12. "Have you heard excerpts from Hillary's new book? 'As a wife I wanted to wring his neck — the only part of him other women weren't already wringing.' ... 'The difference between Bill and Buddy the dog was that Buddy was trained not to hump your leg.'"

David Letterman:
1. "When I call your name, come to the stage and receive your diploma. It's graduation time. You spend $100,000 sending your kids to college, and they get a speech from Regis Philbin."
2. "New York schools are full of honor students. 'Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor.'"
3. "In New York now they're ticketing you for anything you do in your car, but it's still ok to take a leak on the sidewalk."
4. "'Baby Bob' is back. You know, the talking baby. He's the only CBS star in diapers who's not on '60 Minutes.'"
5. "I tuned in Martha Stewart's show today. She showed you how to use lemon juice to remove the fingerprinting ink."
6. "Hillary Clinton's memoirs are 600 pages. Wow, 600 pages is pretty good for a woman who, while it was happening, had no idea what was going on."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The 'MTV Movie Awards' air tonight. I'm taping, so don't tell me when Lil Kim's boob falls out."
2. "There's a cold front moving across the country. Hillary is starting her book tour."
3. "When Bill read Hillary's book he wept at the last chapter: 'The Castration.'"
4. "McDonald's is going to offer gourmet food. Can you see taking a girl to McDonald's and getting McLaid?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Executive Editor of the 'New York Times' has resigned because of the Jayson Blair scandal. His replacement will be Sammy Sosa."
2. "A 90-year-old Florida man won a $16,000,000 lottery. He's using the money to start a foundation to help him remember where he left his pants."
3. "In Texas a truck driver was arrested carrying 3,000 pounds of marijuana. The Phish concert in Austin has been canceled."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Communication Breakdown: The FCC, the F*ck the Consumer Commission, changed its rules to allow conglomerates to become more conglomerated. Hey, it's their name."

Wednesday, June 4, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Backstage I was watching 'America's Most Wanted.' Actually it was 'Martha Stewart Living.' Martha turned herself in. She showed up with Sammy Sosa. It was a 41-count indictment. We only had 16 on Saddam Hussein. Martha blames it on a Satanic cult. She says she'd continue running her company from prison, like John Gotti. A poll showed most people don't want her to serve time. They want her executed."
2. "Hillary Clinton said in her memoir that when she found out Bill was cheating she couldn't breathe; she was gulping for air. I'm sorry, that's Monica's memoirs."
3. "Have you seen that security tape of Clinton when he was Governor having sex with a woman in the back of a truck? In Arkansas they call that a bridal suite. You can see him look up at the camera and say, 'I am not having sex with this woman."
4. "Scott Peterson's lawyer says the real killer is a guy named Donny. O.J. and Robert Blake both went, 'Yeah, Donny.' Donny hangs out with a woman named Marie. He's a little bit country ..."
5. "Sammy Sosa says he grabbed the wrong piece of wood in the dugout. Isn't that Mike Piaza's excuse?"
6. "If Funny Cide wins the Triple Crown, it'll be the biggest payoff ever for a gelding. The former record was David Gest marrying Liza Minnelli."
7. "I felt sorry for Miss China in the Miss Universe contest. She said she wanted to bring about world peace and get rid of her nagging cough."

David Letterman:
1. "Summer's in the air. Today I saw all the cab drivers lined up for their annual flea dip."
2. "Did you watch the Miss Universe Pageant? Donald Trump said Miss Iraq didn't put up nearly as much resistance as he'd expected. Miss Paraguay was kicked out, because she corked her bra."
3. "Sammy Sosa filled his bat with a mixture of cork, strrofoam and pieces of a rubber ball — same stuff that's in the hot dogs."
4. "How many of you people have had criminal charges against you? Martha Stewart had an 8-page indictment, which she turned into a lovely set of place mats."
5. "Hillary Clinton in her new memoirs said when she found out Bill was cheating, 'I could hardly breathe. I was gulping for air.' I'm sorry. That's what Monica said."
6. "Top 10 Sammy Sosa Excuses: 'My mind was clouded by the anabolic steroids.' ... 'Hans Blix spent six months inspecting my bat and found nothing wrong.' ... 'Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it."
7. Guest Amy Sedaris: Dave: "Tell me about your apartment." Amy: "You've seen my apartment."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Martha Stewart has changed her motto from, 'It's a good thing,' to, 'I'll cut you, bitch.'"
2. "Cork popped out of Sammy Sosa's broken bat, which confused the Cubs. They'd never seen a cork pop."
3. "A 90-year-old man just won $16,000,000 in a state lottery. You should have seen his face when he found out it would be paid out over 30 years."
4. "Spike Lee is suing a new network called Spike TV, saying they've stolen his name and personality. Hey, they didn't call it I-Haven't-Had-a-Good-Movie-Since-'Do-the-Right-Thing' TV."
5. "Rocky Road Map: Bush today unveiled his plan for peace in the Middle East, or the 'Getting Gas Back to $1.20 a Gallon Plan.'"
6. "The brothel The Bunny Ranch is giving free sex to the first 50 servicemen. That's not herpes. Those are freedom bumps. Donald Rumsfeld says, 'That does it. We're also invading Syria.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Martha Stewart has been indicted. On today's show she showed how to exchange cigarettes for favors."
2. "Hillary Clinton says when she found out Bill cheated she wanted to wring his neck. Then she realized that choking him would just enhance his orgasm."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright will be our special guest tonight, but she's just here to plug her new movie."
2. "Sammy Sosa corked his bat. Here's the 'New York Post' headline: 'Say It Ain't Sosa.' How about, 'Sam I Sham' or maybe 'What Makes Sammy Home Run?'"
3. "Martha! Martha! Martha! The Justice Department stated that after terrorism prosecuting Martha Stewart was their #2 priority.' Maybe now we can lower the terror alert to periwinkle."

Tuesday, June 3, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "New York's oldest woman, 110 years old, has passed away. So Joan Rivers moves up to the top spot. The woman was so old she remembered once having an English speaking cab driver."
2. "Tonight was the Miss Universe Pageant. I love the talent competition. Miss Iraq's talent was looting an appliance store. Miss New York's was breaking into a Lexus with a wire coat hanger while smoking a cigarette. Miss Canada performed in a bikini and a Sars mask."
3. "President Bush is in Egypt today. He said he's always wanted to see where they filmed 'The $20,000 Pyramid.'"
4. "Saddam Hussein is supposed to be hiding out in the suburbs of Baghdad. The neighbors say he's sullen, rarely comes out of the house and has bodyguards run his errands. Wait, that's me."
5. "'Finding Nemo' is #1 at the box office. It's based on a game President Clinton used to play with the interns."
6. Guest Tom Dreesen: "There are 24 cans of beer in a case. There are 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not." ... "My ex-wife, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Plaintiff." ... "I once gave my wife a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned green. When she was in a bad mood she left a red mark in the middle of my forehead."

Jay Leno:
1. "Bush gave French President Chirac a book on Native Americans. Chirac is a big fan. In fact, he has an Indian name, Dances with Iraqis."
2. "Bush is trying to bring peace to the Middle East. He says if the Arabs and Israelis could just act like good Christians."
3. "We can't find bin Laden or Hussein, but the Feds are closing in on Martha Stewart. She says she may be indicted tomorrow. How does she know that? She still has inside information. And the White House says she may have weapons of mass destruction."
4. "In North Carolina they captured the bomber Eric Rudolph. He was going under a phony name — Richard Jewel."
5. "Columnist Cindy Adams says Scott Peterson's girlfriend Amber will pose for 'Playboy' for half a million. Isn't it a law that all women named Amber have to pose naked? Amber, Tiffany of Licorice."
6. "There's security camera footage of Bill Clinton having sex in the back of a truck while he was Governor. This isn't a Presidential woman, like Paula Jones or Monica Lewinsky. This is a Governor-level woman."
7. "The FCC has changed its rules so a single media company can own 45% of the media. And 45% elects a President."
8. "There's now a college degree in video games. At last, a degree more worthless than political science."
9. "A new airline in Chile offers male passengers two hookers for $500. You have to call them hookers. If you call them stewardesses it's sexist."
10. "A study showed attractive men produce the best quality sperm. I'd think it would be unattractive men. They produce it by hand."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Michael Jackson is said to be having a hard time cutting expenses. It's not easy firing a chimp on roller skates."
2. "Hillary Clinton's releasing her 586-page memoirs. So much of her personality shines through that by the end of the book you're ready to sleep with an intern."
3. "There'll be 100,000 people at Gay Day at Disneyland. For the occasion Snow White has added an eighth Dwarf, Bitchy."
4. "In Martha from the Cellblock news, Martha Stewart is going to be indicted tomorrow. Luckily, stripes are in this year. I'm sorry for the little thrill I get when I hear, 'Martha Stewart probed.'"
5. "Intractable problem, we have a Houston. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown showed up on the doorstep of Israel's Ariel Sharon. After watching the couple the Israelis decided, 'If this is getting along, we'd rather fight.'"
6. "Canada has legalized possession of half an ounce of marijuana and is already launching an ad campaign: 'Dude, Come to Canada, Seriously.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Presidential daughter Jenna Bush is coming to summer classes at NYU. She wants it made clear that, unlike her father, she's choosing to attend summer school."
2. "Tom and Penelope Cruise are breaking up. They both want to be free to date other Cruises."
3. "The oldest woman in New York died at 110. Her relatives are suing the makers of the faulty bungee cord."
4. "The owner of Nevada's famous Bunny Ranch Brothel is offering free sex to the first fifty servicemen. The bad news is that Neverland Ranch has the same offer."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Texodus: President Bush is in Egypt, meeting with five Arab leaders at Egypt's premier golf club. Look out for those grass traps [in great seas of sand]."
2. "Scene of the Climb: It was fifty years ago that Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mt. Everest, and today Everest is covered with frozen human waste."
3. "T & Sympathy: Mr. T is mad at Best Buy for using him in their commercials without asking his permission or paying him. Now he's suing them, and he pities the fools."
4. Guest Eddie Izzard said that a child who was not yet one was zero. "Their age is nought."

Monday, June 2, Winner Jay Leno
(Conan is in reruns Mondays.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Bush is in France for the G8 Summit. Protesters are breaking windows. Now the French start fighting."
2. "Bush brought French President Chirac books on Native American culture: 'Beat the Dealer' and 'Winning at Casinos.'"
3. "At the G8 Bush gave economic advice. M.C. Hammer wasn't available?"
4. "A brothel in Nevada is giving a free visit to the first 50 servicemen. You thought it was hard getting our troops out of Iraq."
5. "A new airline in Chile is providing two prostitutes for each first class passenger. Coach gets hand lotion and a copy of 'National Geographic.'"
6. "You can only get mad cow disease if you eat the brains, spinal cord or eyes of an infected animal — in other words, eat a hot dog."
7. "Ronald McDonald is coming back. And anyone in the costume can't give out their real name. Had so many women been hitting on them? They do have very big feet."
8. "In an interview Mike Tyson said he didn't rape that woman, but he's so mad at her now he'd like to rape her and her mother. The meds seem to be working."
9. "Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa has decided not to pose nude for 'Playboy.' So that's why the alert level was lowered."
10. "Liza Minnelli broke her knee on a romantic getaway with her husband. She fell out of the top bunk."
11. "Richard Chamberlain has announced he's gay. Evidently he was the last person to find out."
12. Headlines: "Man shoots self while hunting mushrooms." Menu for "Sars Oriental Cuisine." On a school lunch menu: "Alpo." Ad for "Passover Ham Giveaway." They combine their love of horses and of cooking." Ad: "We'll clean your basement or addict." Ad: "Missing cat. Does not answer to name of 'Phantom.'" "Town snakes a sewer pipe under Mianus."

David Letterman:
1. "May 29 was Bob Hope's 100th birthday. He spent the day relaxing and watching CBS."
2. "The New York City cops have gone nuts giving out traffic tickets. Now I can no longer double park while negotiating with a hooker. They gave out 10,000 tickets for littering, which resulted in 10,000 tickets being wadded up and thrown on the ground."
3. "Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have gone to Israel to discuss peace with Sharon. I've been reading the New York Times again."
4. "Bill Clinton wants a law to let former Presidents run again. I'm all for it. Talk about a return to the Golden Age of Comedy."
5. "In France, every time someone says, 'G8,' President Bush yells, 'Bingo!'"
6. "Signs Queen Elizabeth is tired of being Queen: Spotted in Soho nightspot making out with Colin Farrell. Took off her top at a Coldplay concert."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "French President Chirac tried unsuccessfully to improve relations with Bush. Not every President can be swayed with whores and cheese."
2. "The Miss Universe Contest is tomorrow night. The winner will be whoever can finger Donald Trump's combover without laughing."
3. "Carny Wilson will be posing nude for 'Playboy.' She'll appear in the June, July and August issues."
4. "Oprah may run for President. She'll name Steadman Secretary of Fluffing and Folding."
5. "Summit Up News: The G8 discussed economic development and what the hell happened at the end of 'The Matrix.'"
6. "Barbra Streisand is suing an environmental group for $10,000,000, because they showed an aerial photograph of her house to illustrate coastal erosion. Even he house is overacting."
7. "The California Legislature is considering a ban on cell phones while driving. This would affect everyone in California, except Minnie Driver, who hasn't gotten a call in years."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Survivor Appalachia: The U.S. has arrested Eric Rudolph, accused of four bombings, including the Atlanta Olympics in 1996. In other words, in 7 years we couldn't find a domestic terrorist hiding out in our own forests. To be fair, his appearance has changed quite a bit since 1996." (Photo of Richard Jewel, originally arrested for the Olympics bombing, and Eric Rudolph today.)
2. "Texodus: President Bush decided it was time to take a little vacation, see the world. He visited Russia and then France, the G8 Conference, where the 8 nations who own half the world's wealth meet to talk about the other 200 nations and figure out how to get their half."

Amazon.com Current Humor Book Recommendations
(Unless the circuits are busy and you get generic links to the various Amazon.com product categories.)