May 27 - 31: For the first time in history, Dave, Jay, Conan, Craig and Jon are all on vacation at the same time.

Friday, May 24, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "Two more New York Mets announced today that they're heterosexual."
2. "Memorial Day is the time of year when Mom starts putting chlorine in her margaritas."
3. "Monica Lewinsky turns 29 today. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around on all fours in the Oval Office."

Jay Leno:
1. "The voters are going to decide whether to split L.A. into two cities to be called Sodom and Gomorra. In California even the cities get divorced."
2. "That Kennedy cousin claims he couldn't have committed the murder, because at the time he was masturbating in a tree. Maybe it was a palm tree."
3. "Some kids threw balloons full of raccoon urine during their school's graduation. Do you think they put the raccoons' little paws in cups of warm water?"
4. "A man went through a wedding ceremony, and then he suffered amnesia and couldn't remember getting married. It's called Bill Clinton Syndrome."
5. "On 'Celebrity Boxing' Refrigerator Perry weighed in at over 400 pounds. What's worse, the camera adds ten pounds."
6. "Bush and Putin signed a nuclear arms treaty. Then Dick Cheney had to sign under 'Parent or Guardian.'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The Pope got heckled today while he was saying mass. The Pope heckled. One of the Cardinals said, 'We should never have started that two-drink minimum.'"
2. "Lance Best of 'NSync wants to do a special in space. Just as long as they don't show it on Earth."

Stephen Lynch on Comedy Central:
1. "She's a girl. She's a boy. She's got parts anyone can enjoy, Hermaphrodite."

Thursday, May 23, Winner: Conan O'Brien

David Letterman:
1. "George Bush is in Germany, and 100,000 Germans protested extending the war. The Germans don't like a war they didn't start. Anyway, they got all mad and stomped around, and then they did something very unusual. They stayed in their own country."
2. "Bush stood on the spot where the Berlin Wall went down. It's odd. In the Oval Office he stands on the spot where Monica went down."

Jay Leno:
1. "You know that Kennedy cousin who's claiming he couldn't have done the murder because he was masturbating in a tree at the time? Even O.J. is going, 'What kind of alibi is that?' And two relatives are testifying that they were with him at the time. How crowded was that tree? I've heard of people rubbing elbows with the Kennedys, but ..."
2. "Well, Dick Cheney warned us something awful was going to happen this week, and it did. Did you see 'Celebrity Boxing?' Well, it's not really boxing, and they're not really celebrities."
3. "'Celebrity Boxing' was on opposite the 'Country Music Awards.' Can you imagine the fights over the remote in those trailer parks last night?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "There's some heartwarming news. The actor who plays Big Bird on 'Sesame Street' is going to marry the one who plays the Cookie Monster. It's still not going to be as bizarre as Liza's wedding."

Wednesday, May 22, Winner: David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "The mob is hiring here in New York — hit men, stoolies. And the good thing is, there are no background checks. No, wait, that's the Catholic Church."

Jay Leno:
1. On the stripper mom whose kid was kicked out of a church kindergarten: "The church says they'll take the mom back in church if she'll agree to get rebaptized in a skimpy t-shirt."
2. "Remember that woman who was arrested for doing naked jumping jacks at her daughter's birthday party? The other parents were really offended. And so were the other patrons at Chuck E. Cheeze (sp?)."
3. "That Kennedy cousin who says he couldn't have committed the murder, because at the time he was masturbating in a tree? Back then we men didn't have the internet. We had to climb trees."
4. Jay showed the line for the new Hugh Grant movie, "About a Boy." The line was all priests.
5. "The Grateful Dead are having a reunion tour, but their fans are getting kind of old. Their song is 'I'm Tripping, and I Can't Get Up.'"
6. "Scientists say people can become addicted to silicone — which is why Justin Timberlake is back with Britney Spears."
7. "It's Fleet Week in New York. The hookers all have signs saying, 'Permission to come aboard, $100.'"
8. "Scientists have produced a featherless chicken. Next will be a hairless Robin Williams."
9. Disney is being audited by the IRS. Evidently they'd been deducting eight dwarves."
10. Guest Robin Williams: "In Dallas a man asked me if I'd been to the Book Suppository. I told him, no, I prefer books on tape." "Airport security, a 5-year-old kid is being patted down. He says, 'What are you doing? You're not a priest!'" "I loved Ozzy Osbourne at the White House. Nostradamus was going, 'Games over.'"

Tuesday, May 21, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "Dick Cheney says it's a matter of when, not if, George Bush will choke on another snack food."
2. "John Ritter is getting another sitcom. Dick Cheney admits Bush knew about it in January, but did nothing to prevent it."

Jay Leno:
1. "That Kennedy cousin says that at the time of the murder he was up in a tree masturbating. How embarrassing is that? I'd rather confess to the murder."
2. "That mom whose daughter was kicked out of kindergarten says she won't strip until her daughter's out of school. There's a graduation party you don't want to miss."
3. "A teacher's in trouble because her high school photography class took nude photos of each other. Hey, call me old fashioned, but some things should be saved for prom night."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The studio admitted 'Star War' receipts were overstated by several million dollars. They'd assumed some fans would show up with dates."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "An 83-year-old man just earned his high school diploma. My question, how old is the teacher he had sex with?"

Monday, May 20, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "Pope John Paul II is 82, but it's a young 82. He and the Cardinals celebrated at the Vatican Hooters."
2. "Cher is 56. Not all of her is 56. Some of her is younger. She celebrated with 56 shots of Botox."
3. "In his latest video Osama bin Laden is on a boat having sex with Tommy Lee."

Jay:
1. "A 27-year-old woman was arrested for performing nude jumping jacks at her daughter's 13th birthday party. And I was embarrassed when my Mom walked through in her housecoat."
2. "An all-woman team got within 265 feet of the top of Mount Everest and then had to turn back. Women always get almost to the peak and then don't make it."
3. "Have you seen the new Osama bin Laden tape? What kind of idiot puts out a video the same week 'Star Wars' comes out?"
4. "They're saying Bush knew as far back as January that 'Ally McBeal' would be canceled."
5. "Bush called the Cuban elections frauds and shams. The people in Florida laughed."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The next 'Survivor' will feature 16 talking babies at Ozzy Osbourne's house."
2. "Bill Clinton was allowed to attend the independence ceremony in East Timor only after a DNA test proved he was not the father of the country."

Emo Philips on Comedy Central"
1. "Don't touch that dial. It looks just like my grandmother's left nipple."
2. "You have to wait ten days to buy a gun in L.A. I can't stay mad that long."
3. "What do you give a kid with seven fingers on one hand? Firecrackers."
4. "If capital punishment turns the government into a murderer, then I guess imprisonment turns the government into a gay dungeon master."
5. "The trooper asked me, 'Do you know the penalty for drunken driving in Massachusetts?' I said, "Reelection to the Senate?'"

Bill Dweyer on Comedy Central:
1. "My girlfriend asked, 'Are you in?' I said, "No. I'm finished.'"

Friday,May 17, Winner: David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "In case you're keeping score, this is the fifth episode in the 'Star Wars' trilogy. In this one the Jedi knights take a vow of celibacy, so in the next episode they'll be transferred to a different parish."
2. "It's $150 if you want a photo of President Bush on the telephone. For the same money the Democrats will send you a photo of Clinton on an intern."

Jay Leno:
1. "A church has kicked a little girl out of their kindergarten because her mother is a stripper. The church, I guess, is Our Lady of the Intolerant. Not only that, both the girl and her mother have been banned from church. Yeah, that's the last thing you want in church, sinners seeking redemption. Jesus hated that."
2. "A naked couple had sex in an ATM cubicle for an hour. An hour? If I'm in there more than two minutes the next guy in line is yelling at me."
3. "On 'ER' a 'Star Wars' fan is whisked in, and the doctors implant a life."
4. "Two years ago would you have believed that President Bush could be in trouble for something he knew?"
5. "Arafat has called new elections. Right now he's busy giving suicide bombers absentee ballots."

Thursday,May 16, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "The next show is going to be 'Survivor: Archdiocese.'"
2. "Last August the CIA warned President Bush that CBS was developing a show about a talking baby."
3. "Is it just me, or is Yoda starting to look more and more like Regis?"
4. "Hillary is denying she wants to be Vice President. Isn't it great to have a Clinton denying stuff again? She's gained thirty pounds since becoming Senator. Just what Bill needs, more wife."

Jay Leno:
1. "In Boston four batboys were molested by the Clubhouse Manager. What are they putting in the water in that city? And those kids had bats!"
2. "On 'Friends' Rachel had her baby. It refused to come out until it got $1,000,000 an episode."
3. "Tammy Faye Baker is advising gays. When they see her they feel good. They know they made the right choice."
4. "A prostitute in Canada bit off her client's finger when he wouldn't pay her. It could have been much worse."
5. "The new 'Star Wars' has opened. Good luck on getting tech support this weekend."
6. "Jimmy Carter and Fidel Castro went to a baseball game together. They did the wave, and thirty Cubans tried to ride it to Miami."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The best part of 'Star Wars' was the big fight scene, and the worst part was sitting next to someone who'd been camping out for several weeks."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "'Star Wars' is expected to gross $20,000,000 today. That's pretty impressive, considering no one brought a date."

The Daily Show"
1. Steven Colbert: "We're as against drugs as the next show — which is a 'Saturday Night Live' rerun."
2. Frank DeCaro on 'Star Wars': "Whenever Ewan McGregor came onscreen I had an episode II."

Will & Grace Season Finale:
1. Jack in a dreamscape: "Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore. Where am I?"
Cher: "You're in heaven, Jack."
Jack: "Are you God?"
Cher: "It depends on what bathhouse you pray in." (Starts singing her latest hit.)
Jack: "Stop it! You're hawking your album during my dream."
Cher: "Somebody's got to pay for the fog and the dancing fairies."
2. Grace: "Hey, cabbie, do you have the guts of a chicken and some kosher salt?"
Cabbie: "Does it have to be kosher?"
3. Man in bar: "I came as soon as you called."
Karen: "Well, that's none of my business."

Wedsday,May 15, Winner: Conan O'Brien

David Letterman:
1. "Attention, 'Star Wars' fans, only one day left to the big letdown. I'm looking forward to the next one, 'The Attack of the Clergy.'"
2. "Since entering the Senate Hillary Clinton has gained thirty pounds. In fact, she's gotten so heavy Bill hit on her."
3. Top ten signs your cat is trying to kill you. Number one, you overhear your cat on the phone with Robert Blake's cat."

Jay Leno:
1. "There's a new group called Christians for Cannabis. Of course our bandleader, Kevin Eubanks, heads up Joints for Jesus. Movie star Harrison Ford was caught holding five ounces — Calista Flockhart."
2. "Doctors say putting pepper on wounds helps stop the bleeding. Isn't that one of Jeffrey Dahmer's old tricks?"
3. "In Cuba President Carter praised freedom of assembly. You know where Cubans can most freely assemble? Miami."
4. "Porn videos are available again in Afghanistan. I hear 'Debby Does Kabul' is great. The goat is fantastic."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "A neighbor of a theater showing 'Star Wars' talked about the fans who'd been camped out for weeks. 'Those were "Star Wars" fans? Thank God. I thought the homeless were becoming losers.'"
2. "John Wayne Bobbitt was arrested for assaulting his wife. You'll see him on that new show, 'When Guys with Reattached Penises Attack.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "'Star Wars' has opened, so the people camping out in front of the theaters can get back to their busy masturbation schedules."
2. Guest Greg Proops: "Ozzy Osbourne met President Bush. It just goes to show that if you do a lot of controlled substances and talk like a three-year-old you can go really far in this country. And Ozzy's doing ok too."

Jon Stewart:
1. Lewis Black: "Only six of the eighteen pipe bombs exploded. That's what you get when you send your kid to a state school."

Tuesday,May 14, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "It was so windy today that in Central Park I saw a squirrel tying down his nuts."

Jay Leno:
1. "President Carter and Fidel Castro — the last time a President interacted with a Cuban like that ... well, he got impeached."
2. "Scientists say the most danger from lightning is in Boston — especially when Cardinal Above-the-Law puts his hand on the 'Bible' and swears he can't remember anything."
3. "The next 'Celebrity Boxing' is going to be Joey Buttafuoco vs. John Wayne Bobbitt. It's The Big Cheater vs. The Little Peter."
4. Jay did a skit on the 'To Die Institute of Terrorism. No student loans."
5. On Dionne Warwick's pot bust at the Miami airport: "I thought she hadn't had a hit in awhile, but I guess I was wrong."
6. "Dionne is Whitney Houston's cousin. I guess she was on her way to a family pot luck."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope."
2. "Bill Clinton said he thought Hillary would make a great President, but an even better Vice President. She's been his number two choice for years."

Monday,May 13, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "For Mother's Day Mom came over to the house. Halfway through lunch she asked, 'David, how are things going at ABC?'"
2. "I'm not watching 'Dinotopia.' If I want to see talking dinosaurs I'll watch '60 Minutes.'"
3. "Jimmy Carter is in Cuba. Castro's the other bearded lunatic we can't get."
4. "Now that civilians can pay the Russians $20,000,000 and go up in space, Michael Jackson says he wants to be an astronaut. Actually his first choice was priest."

Jay Leno:
1. "In the movie 'Unfaithful' the love scenes were so vigorous Diane Lane suffered a herniated disk. That's a workman's compensation claim that'll get passed around the office."
2. "Dionne Warwick was arrested at the Miami airport with eleven marijuana cigarettes. I guess her psychic friends didn't warn her."
3. "Mike Tyson's new p.r. firm says Mike found religion in prison. His cellmates were priests. The p.r. people says Mike likes macaroni and cheese, puppies and whores. He's picked up some endorsements: Krazy Glue and Chock Full O' Nuts. Oh, and he's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
4. "It was so hot today I was sweatin' like Bill Clinton in line to see 'Unfaithful.'"
5. "Well, Robert Blake saved himself $85 on roses for Mother's Day."
6. "With all these clerical scandals I'm beginning to understand how all those 'Bibles' ended up in hotel rooms."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are getting back together. The best part is the make-up celibacy."
2. "I'm not sure Bush understood when he made the nuclear reduction agreement. He said, 'Who needs nuclear weapons when we have Spider-Man?'"
3. "A new study shows 41% of Americans have had sex on the job. If that seems high, remember, it includes the clergy."
4. "Tori Amos just passed Famous Amos as the most famous Amos."

Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update
1. "Sharon of Israel gave President Bush a book proving Arafat's ties to terrorists. Bush is almost finished coloring it."
2. "Katie Curick won an award for the show on her colostomy. However, viewers are more interested in finding out what's up Bryant Gumbel's ass."

Friday,May 10, Winner: David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Sunday is Mother's Day, the day we honor the woman we blame for all our problems. I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom. That caller i.d. works like a charm."
2. Guest Jonathan Katz: "I'm going to be in an updated version of an old sitcom. It's called 'The Courtship of Father Eddie.'" "I asked this woman why she had two seeing-eye dogs, and she said one was for reading."

Jay Leno:
1. "Hollywood madame Heidi Fleiss was offered $100,000 to fight Tonya Harding on 'Celebrity Boxing,' but she said no. How sleazy is Fox when even hookers are turning them down?"
2. "Next week 'Altar Boy' opens. It's about an altar boy who develops super powers after he's bitten by a priest."
3. "Cardinal Law said he couldn't remember any of the letters about priests molesting children specifically. They were very hard to read. Yeah, since they were written in crayon."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The pipe bomber kid is going to prison, but on the bright side, he's been given an 'A' from his shop teacher."

Thursday,May 9, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "I had a touching experience on the subway today. I sat next to a priest."
2. "Boston Cardinal Law did not recall 47 times on the witness stand today. He's Presidential material! He could only remember three of the ten Commandments."

Jay Leno:
1. Jay played the "Cops" theme "Bad Boys" as he showed clips of priests being arrested.
2. "Technicians have captured the softest sound ever recorded — Arafat denouncing terrorism."
3. "Mike Tyson's p.r. firm quit. Think what his reputation would be if he hadn't had one."
4. "Alex the Bachelor said he'd hoped no one would see him kissing another woman in San Francisco. Listen, in San Francisco if a man kisses a woman, people notice."
5. "That pipe bomber kid made 24 bombs, which beats Steven Segall's record. If that kid didn't like the way the government is run, wait until he finds out how the prison system is run."
6. "Did you read about that girl who's the daughter of one of seven priests? What church did her mother go to? Our Lady of the NBA?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. Guest Greg Giraldo: "We were kids. We didn't even know what gay was. We just knew he ran like a girl when you threw dead things at him, so we did."

Wednesday,May 8, Winner: Jon Stewart

David Letterman:
1. "The Rolling Stones just kicked off their 40th anniversary tour, Geezerpalooza. They arrived in a blimp that turned out to be Keith Richards' liver."
2. "President Bush is sending President Clinton to East Timor, a very small country. Clinton has dated interns who are bigger."

Jay Leno:
1. "A study shows that breast feeding makes babies smarter. And looking at breasts makes men dumber."
2. "Bill Clinton said no to NBC, That's the first time he's ever turned down a desk job."
3. "If men have a hundred orgasms a year it cuts their chances of a heart attack by a third. So, guys, your life is pretty much in your own hands."
4. "They're making another 'Exorcist' movie. Except this time the mother calls on the Devil to get a priest out of her kid."
5. "This 19-year-old woman is suing to find out which of the seven priests her mom had sex with is her father. Seven priests? What were mom's dates like? 'Bingo again?'"
6. Headlines: "Bong Crosby," "Adult male car for sale," "Winnebago for sale — heated basement," "Miss Quikee Motel."

Jon Stewart:
1. "For the next forty years the pipe bomber will be working with a different kind of pipe in the prison shower."
2. (On readers): "If you choose this book on golfing, you're probably a lesbian. If you choose this book of erotic lesbian photos, you're probably a man."
3. Frank DeCaro reviewing 'Spider-Man': "Like any eager teenager he's soon leaving sticky residue all over town. Kirsten Duntz puts the 'rack' in 'arachnid.' The bottom line? This bottom loved it."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "A man streaked the Queen of England. He's been sentenced to a year of looking at the Queen naked."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The Rolling Stones have a 40th anniversary tour. Good luck, guys. Break a hip."

Tuesday,May 7, Winner: Conan O'Brien

David Letterman:
1. "The 'Spider-Man' special effects are so good that when I left the theater I could swear the floors were sticky."
2. "The hookers are back in Times Square, working out of McDonald's. Did somebody say, 'Yippee?' Where else can you go for dinner and sex and still get change back from your $5? Watch for a woman who comes up and says, 'Can I supersize that for you?'"

Jay Leno:
1. "The Kentucky Derby is the fastest a three-year-old has run who wasn't being chased by a priest."
2. "Sharon of Israel is in Washington, D.C. to see Ozzy Osbourne. Do you know what Ozzy said? 'Sharon.' The producers want 'The Osbournes' to be closed-captioned so deaf people won't understand Ozzy either."
3. "A female chickadee will cheat on her mate if he loses a singing contest to another male. And you thought you hated karaoke."
4. "The 'Spider-Man' stuntmen are so good Robert Blake has hired them to kill his next wife. His fellow prisoners all call him 'Baretta,' except his cellmate, who calls him 'Loretta.'"
5. "Those pipe bombs! Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about in the mailbox was anthrax?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "You can tell the photos in 'Penthouse' aren't really Anna Kournikova, because she's holding a championship trophy."
2. "Mike Tyson says he cheated on his wife because Michael Jordan cheated on his wife. Mike, Michael Jordan just jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge."
3. "'Spider-Man' took in $114,000,000 this weekend, which is more than twice as much as any of the 'Batman' movies. Worse than that, Robin says he wants to start seeing other superheroes."

Monday,May 6, Winner: David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "The hookers are back in Times Square, working out of a McDonald's. It's the first time a guy has left there satisfied."
2. "I took Mom to see' Spider-Man.' Halfway through she goes, 'David, where's Robin?'"
3. "'Spider-Man took in $114,000,000. That's almost as much as the Catholic Church paid out in hush money over the weekend."

Jay Leno:
1. "NBC has been rejected by Bill Clinton. How does that make NBC feel? Clinton's the guy who hit on Paula Jones."
2. "Robert Blake says his dyslexia is so bad he couldn't tell which bullet had his wife's name on it."
3. "It was quiet over the weekend in the Middle East. Both sides went to 'Spider-Man.'"
4. "To practice hanging for long periods upside down in 'Spider-Man,' Tobey McGuire rode Amtrak."
5. "Did you see President Bush and Ozzy Osbourne at the White House Correspondents' Dinner? The White House translator shot himself. And to show his patriotism Ozzy bit the head off a bald eagle."
6. "You know that science teacher who had sex with her fifteen-year-old male student? She was trying to teach him the Big Bang theory. After hearing about her the Pope thought maybe women are ready to become priests."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "I tried kissing upside-down like in 'Spider-Man,' but my sock fell out."

President Bush to Ozzy Osbourne at White House Correspondents' Dinner: "Ozzy, Mom loves your stuff."

Friday,May 3, Winner: Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "Robert Blake is claiming brain damage. It's probably not as much as the woman he shot in the head. They had sex in his car on their first date, and a year later he took another shot at her in the same car."
2. "NBC is offering Bill Clinton Bryant Gumbel's spot. I want this more than life itself."

Jay Leno:
1. "The parents of that 15-year-old boy should have suspected something when they asked how he liked his teacher and he replied, 'Oh, she's nice, but she's a bit of a screamer.'"
2. "Singer Bjork is expecting a bjaby. She says she couldn't bje happier."
3. "Michael Jackson says he wants to direct a movie. It's going to be 'Hidden Videos of Harry Potter Taking a Shower.'"
4. "I guess Bill Clinton's new tv show will be a cross between 'West Wing' and 'Sex in the City.' It'll be the only talk show where the couch folds out."
5. "Robert Blake seems to be getting along well with the other prisoners. Of course, many of them had bought naked pictures of his wife. And his wife's brother is also in jail. Wouldn't it be something if they ended up married?"
6. "Did you ever think that 'dyslexia' is a very difficult word for people with 'dyslexia'?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "There's a new movie coming out that shows 825 naked people. The bad news is that it's 'Cocoon 3.'"
2. "Michael Jackson will be directing his first movie. It's a black and white film about a man who goes from black to white."
3. "Did you see the clips of that whale that tried to mate with a boat? The Coast Guard said it wasn't the whale's fault. The boat was acting like a whore."

Thursday,May 2, Winner: Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Atlanta is imposing a midnight curfew for teenagers on prom night. That's a lot of pressure on the guys. They have to have sex, vomit and put a dent in the car by 12:00."
2. "A fraternity is being suspended for having a drunk pig at a party. How ugly are these guys if they even have to get a pig drunk?"
3. "A study shows depressed women live longer. That should cheer them up."
4. "Scientists can control rats with remote control. Is this for people who live in hi-tech slums? I hear Ozzy: 'Sharon, where's the remote for the rat?'"
5. "Men can cut the risk of heart attack by a third if they have more than a hundred orgasms a year. At last, an exercise program men can get behind."
6. "Guns for pilots? Let's give guns to altar boys."
7. "That priest on the run said he was just trying to get in touch with his inner child."

David Letterman:
1. "Important news from the Vatican, the Pope has ordered ten new Commandments."
2. "There's a peculiar new show 'Touched By a Priest.'"
3. "Clinton's being offered $50,000,000 to host a tv talk show, and, knowing him, he'll be getting a little under the table too."

Conan O'Brien:
1. Guest Patton Oswalt: "In 'Spider-Man' you can see his nipples, and he shows a big camel-toe."

Wednesday,May 1, Winner: Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno:
1. "Rosie O'Donnell's girlfriend is pregnant. That David Crosby is unbelievable."
2. "There's going to be an all-gay cable channel. They're going to put it next to ESPN so gays in the closet can quickly switch over when someone comes into the room."
3. "I actually saw someone buy one of those maps to the stars' homes, but it was just Ozzy Osbourne looking for his house."
4. "Boston's Cardinal Above-the-Law is trying to blame the six-year-old victim. Even Michael Jackson is going, 'Get out of here!'"
5. Headlines: "Free to good home, shemale Jack Russell terrier." "My Dung Restaurant closed for health violations." "Penis enlargement — gain 103 inches."

David Letterman:
1. "Already this season four baseball managers have been fired. Remember when they just transferred them to different parishes?"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Arafat said it's good to be out. And at last he understands what it's like to be Frank Gifford."
2. "Some 25 Congressional pages have been fired for smoking pot. A Congressman said, 'We knew something was going on when we smelled something funny and it wasn't Strom Thurmond.'"
3. "There was a charity 'Masturbatathon' in Toronto, but no one wants to touch any of the money they raised."
4. Guest Sarah Silverman: "As a child I was molested by a doctor — which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl."

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