Oct. '02 TV Late Night Jokes

Thursday, October 31, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "You know this is New York. Today I saw some kids carving jack-o'-lanterns and then wiping their fingerprints off the knives."
2. "I forgot kids would be coming around for trick or treat. Luckily I found an old box of Sucrets. I also gave out a couple of free samples of Lipitor. When I was a kid Mom would send me out dressed as a tramp — fishnet stockings, high heels ... I love that joke every year."
3. "In the Winona Ryder trial everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop — out of her purse."
4. The top 10 things a drill instructor would never say: (Real Marine drill instructors barked out the entries): "For a zestier tuna salad add a pinch of dill." "I'm yelling because I have self-esteem issues." "Marine, you have the piercing blue eyes of a young Paul Newman." "Dr. Phil has changed my life."
5. Guest Jerry Seinfeld: "When they ruled Afghanistan the Taliban banned kites. Were they afraid someone would invent electricity?" "John Walker Lindh fought for the Taliban. I don't know what the previous record was for hating your parents ..."

Jay Leno:
1. "Happy Halloween. John Ashcroft has put the nation on a sugar high alert. And adults, get your hands out of your kids goodies."
2. "This year you can go naked and say you're Christina Aguilera. Winona Ryder is giving out sweaters and purses and gloves. In Beverly Hills people don't carve pumpkins. They say their pumpkins have had a little work."
3. "You know those Haitians who swam ashore in Florida? Great. Now Florida has 200 more people who don't know how to vote. There are only three things that can keep any of these Haitians from being deported — a fast ball, a curve ball or a slider."
4. "In Tuesday's election the Valley may split off from L.A. In California even the cities get divorced."
5. "Winona says the security guard lifted her blouse and looked at her breasts. She's the only actress where the breasts are hers, and the clothes aren't."
6. "Scientists have found the gene that causes obesity. It was lying on the couch eating Chitos and watching 'Anna Nicole.'"
7. "Amazon.com is now selling clothes. Are women going to want to wear panties that say 'Amazon'?"
8. "Christina Aguilera posed nude for the cover of 'Rolling Stone.' She said she had sex with her first white man and didn't care for it. We have the man here to rebut." Gilbert Gottlieb: "How could she tell in two minutes?"
9. "A man in Indiana was arrested for having sex with a chicken in a motel. I wonder who came first. When the cops came he had egg all over his face."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In court today Winona Ryder had a see-through dress that let you see her underwear — which still had price tags on it."
2. "Today the White House Press Secretary gave bad seats to the reporters from 'Time' and 'Newsweek.' The good seats went to President Bush's favorite publications, 'Highlights' and 'Ranger Rick.'"
3. "In New Hampshire audience members in a theater showing 'Jackass' were arrested for throwing food and urinating on the walls. They were also immediately given their own movie deal."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "We're broadcasting from 1600 Transylvania Avenue. It's Halloween. If you don't want trick-or-treaters you can either turn off your porchlight or answer the door in your priest costume."

Wednesday, October 30, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Today was my conjugal visit with Lizzy Grubman, the publicist who backed over a bunch of people with her SUV. Now she's doing time, like 40 days."
2. "The Zagat Guide says New York is the best U.S. city to visit. Now I just have to keep my Mom from learning about this."
3. "Winona Ryder's defense is that she was just researching a movie role. The movie she was researching is 'Saks, Lies & Videotape.'"

Jay Leno:
1. "Today 200 illegal Haitian immigrants swam to shore in Florida. If you're trying to escape a third-world country with no free elections, why go to Florida?"
2. "A British Airways jet had to make an emergency landing today when a package containing a toothbrush caused a bomb scare. They were British. They'd never seen a toothbrush."
3. "There's a new clothing optional airline. At least you get through security a lot faster."
4. "Robert Blake's attorney has quit. I guess he finally looked at the evidence."
5. "What's Winona Ryder's favorite NFL team? The Steelers. If she's convicted she could get up to three years in prison or be forced to appear in the next two Madonna movies."
6. "Christina Aguilara says she slept with her first white guy and didn't care for it. Of course it was Michael Jackson."
7. "A Dallas teacher actually gave birth in her classroom today. The nurse rushed in and made all the students leave — except for the father of course."
8. "VH1 has canceled the Liza Minnelli and David Gest reality show. All America says thank you. They just couldn't come to grips with the concept of reality."
9. "Scientists in the U.S. and England shook hands over the internet. Buy all the internet porn stock you can."
10. "Yesterday a man was arrested for having sex with a chicken in a motel. Man, how messy must your house be if you're ashamed to take a chicken there. I really feel sorry for the girl he was cheating on with the chicken."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "They're making a movie about Ozzy Osbourne's life, and he says he's looking forward to finding out what happened during his life."
2. "Serena Williams appeared tonight on a sitcom on ABC, and to prove her acting ability she didn't play herself. She played a character named Venus Williams."
3. "Kevin Costner just had his appendix out. Since he's Kevin Costner, the operation took four hours and cost $200,000,000."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "A boatload of Haitian refugees swam ashore in Florida. They'll all be deported, except for the one with the split-finger fastball. They all swam back to the ship when they were told they'd be detained in a theater showing the new Madonna movie."

Tuesday, October 29, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "It was Anaheim Angels' Day at Disneyland with a parade down Main Street. A parade down Main Street? There's something that doesn't happen every day."
2. "I think it was nice the Giants let all the players with kids have them with them in the dugout. They couldn't do something like that in the NBA. You'd have three or four hundred kids running around."
3. "Chevy is coming out with a car called the Avalanche. Is that a good name for a car? At least it's better than the original name, the Chevy Hunting Accident."
4. "Robert Blake's lawyer has resigned, because he didn't want Blake to let Diane Sawyer interview him in prison. Well, she sure wasn't going to talk to him in a restaurant."
5. "Today is Winona Ryder's birthday. You know, every year I give her a gift certificate to Saks, and she never uses them. The security guard says she told him she was preparing for a role in a movie. Yeah, 'The Winona Ryder Story.' [Conan made the same joke.] And Robert Blake said he killed his wife preparing for a role in 'Jackass.'"
6. "A magazine has printed Osama bin Laden's will. He leaves everything to his wife, Anna Nicole bin Laden."
7. "They may have found the burial box of Jesus' younger brother James. How hard must his life have been? He wins the swim meet, and here comes Jesus walking across the water. Everybody thought his brother was God's Gift. At least James didn't have his birthday and Christmas on the same day."
8. "There's a new clothing optional airline. I don't want to use those seat cushions as flotation devices."
9. "There's a new computer that lets two users actually touch and feel each other. You can actually shake hands with someone thousands of miles away. I'm sure that's what people will use it for. You thing computer viruses have been bad. Just wait for computer gonorrhea."
10. "Women think men who drink fruity cocktails aren't good in bed. Well, just not with women."
11. "A man in Indiana was arrested for taking a chicken to a motel and having sex with it. Why did he have to go to a motel? Did the chicken say it wouldn't do it in the back seat of his car?"

David Letterman:
1. "The FBI has announced violent crime is up. How did the FBI find out about it? Robbery, murder and prostitution are all up. New York City is back!"
2. "Publicist Lizzy Grubman is in jail for forty days, and then she'll be back on the street — sort of like an anchor for the 'CBS Early Show.'"
3. "Winona Ryder said she was just doing research for a role in a movie. The movie was 'Dude, Where's the Security Camera?'"

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Chuck Yeager, 79, was the first man to break the sound barrier, 50 years ago, and he did it again this week. Except this time he brought his own oxygen tank."
2. "A poll found 41% of people would have sex for money if the amount was big enough. For women it was $100,000. For men it was, 'I don't know. How much you have on you?'"

Craig Kilborn skipped the monologue for a stupid bit where he called video clerks and quizzed them on movies.

Jon Stewart:
1. "I had a surreal moment today. I was watching CNN, and they announced, 'Tonight on "Crossfire," The Sniper.'"

Monday, October 28, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "You all gained an hour over the weekend with Daylight Savings. That'll make up for the hour you're losing here tonight. This Daylight Savings adjustment is as close as CBS comes to getting a younger audience."
2. "It took the Angels 42 years to win a World Series — or as the Boston Red Sox call it, beginner's luck."
3. "Bad news on the world front. The North Koreans now have the technology to create their own rally monkey."
4. "The #1 movie was 'Jackass,' which took in $23,000,000 over the weekend. It's the first time 'jackass' and '$23,000,000' have been used in the same sentence since I renewed my contract with CBS."
5. Top 10 things overheard in Anaheim Angels' locker room: "Mmm, this rally monkey is delicious." "Now that we won I bet we get to go on 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.'" (And they are on 'The Tonight Show' tonight.) "The victory parade is Tuesday. Start thawing Walt."

Jay Leno:
1. "Did you set your clocks back? The Giants would like to set them back about a week."
2. "You know how Barry Bonds got home? He walked."
3. "Winona Ryder's in the Trial of the Century. It's a trial that's taking a century."
4. "They may have found the burial box of Jesus' younger brother James. Can you see their family holiday letters? 'Jesus, as you know, is the Lord. James has entered Bethlehem Community College.'"
5. "Virgin Airways has given a woman $20,000 because she was squeezed by the obese passenger in the next seat — who also ate her snacks."
6. "'The Ring' is about a videotape that kills anyone who watches it. I think that's the tape of Madonna's new movie."
7. "Some 18% of golfers say they've had sex on the course. Augusta doesn't even allow women on the course."
8. Headlines: Ad: "Get rid of aunts." Ad for house with "front deck and rear porn." Story, "State Parks Making Do with Fewer Lifeguards," next to story, "Man Drowns in State Park." Announcement for "Church Family Night Featuring Amazing Grass." Ad for "Pork Shoulder Butt Whole."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Barry Bonds has seen more balls this season than the women on 'Sex and the City.'"
2. "Angels fans greeted John Travolta with a tremendous ovation, because every minute he spent at the game he couldn't be filming 'Battlefield Earth 2.'"
3. "Barry Bonds is getting a star on the Hollywood Intentional Walk of Fame."

Jon Stewart:
1. (In front of White House): "This is a full-size replica of the set of the hit NBC series 'The West Wing.'"

October 21 - 25, All five shows are on vacation.

Bonus: Saturday, October 19

Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live:
1. "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married next month in Vegas. They're registered at the Center for Disease Control."

Friday, October 18, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Terrible news. My Mom, God bless her, has gotten engaged to Kid Rock."
2. "It's supposed to be windy in New York this weekend. In Central Park today I saw a squirrel lashing down his nuts."
3. "Harry Smith is back on 'The Early Show.' This means I'm no longer the dullest man on CBS."
4. "They had the first sign of frost in Chappaqua today. Hillary Clinton came back for the weekend."
5. "There are six new Bill Clinton quotes in the latest 'Bartlett's Familiar Quotations:' 'It's my wife. Get in the closet.' 'What they gonna do, impeach me?' and, 'Uh, how late are you?'"

Jay Leno:
1. "The World Series starts tomorrow. A word of caution to Angels fans. If a San Francisco fan asks if he can hold your thunderstick, it may not mean what you think."
2. "Today by mistake, instead of the Continental breakfast I had the Continental pilot's breakfast — four bloody marys."
3. "President Bush is in Florida helping his brother Jed get reelected. Well, he owes him one."
4. "The Vatican says it doesn't agree with the zero tolerance policy on sex offenders. You should be allowed one. You get a mulligan."
5. "It turns out men have a biological clock, just like women. It tells men when to finish sex so they can get back to watching the game."
6. "The new Toyota will critique your driving skills while you drive. Isn't that called a spouse?"
7. "Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial has been postponed again. I think they're trying to keep her tied up in court until the Christmas shopping season is over."
8. "Madonna says she wants to get involved in bringing about world peace. Anything that keeps her from acting."
9. "Sex toys are now legal in Alabama. Every guy and his sister is buying one."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The White House says it's pushing back the attack on Iraq until after January 1. It's hard to get Bush to focus on anything until after Santa has come."
2. "In spite of her troubles Martha Stewart is introducing her new furniture line next week. Of course it features bunk beds and little metal sinks."
3. "A Chicago librarian is in trouble for having sex with three teenage boys. The librarian said, 'I told the boys to keep quiet.'"
4. "Four cast members of 'The Sopranos' are demanding pay raises to $100,000 an episode. The producers say they welcome the demands; because they help the writers to decide who to kill off next season."
5. "In the NHL a naked man tried to streak the game, but he slipped on the ice and was knocked unconscious. Thank you for asking, but I'm feeling much better now."

Craig Kilborn:
(Craig skipped the "In the News" segment.)

Thursday, October 17, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Tonight I have to sit Mom down and explain to her that Col. Hogan had a dark side."
2. "According to 'Entertainment Weekly' you're looking at the 17th most powerful person in show business. I'm right behind that snippy guy from 'Antiques Roadshow.'"
3. "Bush got what he wanted. The U.N. Security Council has authorized the use of force against all telemarketers who call during dinner."
4. "Jeb Bush is in a dead heat in the election for governor in Florida. Time to get out the crooked voting machines."
5. "Scientists just found a mummified dinosaur that still has some of the original skin — which is more than you can say for Joan Rivers."

Jay Leno:
1."A Continental Airlines pilot was stopped from flying drunk. He was piloting a Boeing 7 & 7."
2. "The World Series is starting. In California, of course, we call it the state championship."
3. "Today Bush flipped a coin. Heads, we bomb Iraq; tails, North Korea. North Korea says it has the bomb. Tomorrow, indoor plumbing."
4. "Saddam Hussein won his election 11,000,000 to zero. That's the same as the score of the Bengals game. Two guys in Iraq were killed by the bullets fired into the air in celebration. It's Iraq's biggest military victory in decades."
5. "Al Gore is going to be on '20/20' with Barbara Walters. He should be on with Jenny Craig."
6. "I watched 'The Bachelor' last night, and now my tv set has crabs. Last night he took one of the hookers, I mean ladies, on a romantic evening. They went to a symphony concert where they were the only people in the audience. Then they went to the new Madonna movie, same thing."
7. "A study has shown that sitting on bicycle seats can cause men to become impotent. Even worse is sitting on a bicycle without a seat."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In happy news Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married next month. It'll be a traditional white trash wedding."
2. "Congress has passed a bill to overhaul elections. There'll be new voting machines and new procedures, and they're eliminating the state of Florida."
3. "Massachusetts has adopted a new state slogan: 'Massachusetts, make it yours.' It beats New York's : 'New York. Up yours.'"
4. "A man in Scotland was arrested for having sex with a traffic cone. To his wife he said, 'Sorry I'm late. I got caught in a terrible traffic cone.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "In kiss my axis of evil news, N. Korea may have the bomb. This reminds me of the 'Iron Chef' episode where the secret ingredient was uranium. North Korea says they may use the bomb against South Korea unless they agree to turn down the karaoke music after eleven."
2. "In an all-California World Series the umpire yells, 'You're out, but its okay.'"
3. "Bill Clinton has been inducted as an honorary member in the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame. He was inducted under his rap name, Notorious DNA."

Wednesday, October 16, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "'Entertainment Weekly' has named me the 17th most powerful person in show business, and tonight I'll be sitting home alone watching 'Dawson's Creek.'"
2. "If San Francisco wins the World Series, their Mayor gets a free trip to Disneyland. If Anaheim wins, their Mayor gets the first season of 'The Judy Garland Show' on dvd."
3. "Yesterday was the first day of Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial, and she did not show up. Just a hunch, but did anybody check Bloomingdales?"
4. "Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on winning the election. He celebrated quietly by shooting a brother-in-law."
5. "The Catholic Church is revising the rosary for the first time in 900 years, as part of their ongoing effort to change the subject."

Jay Leno:
1. "Saddam Hussein got 100% of the vote, according to his campaign manager, Jeb Hussein."
2. "In Iraq they know the winner of an election months in advance. Here we don't know for months after."
3. "Two players on the Irani soccer team have been lashed with whips for visiting a brothel. Oddly enough, being lashed with whips is what they visited the brothel for in the first place."
4. "Al Gore has written a book about a subject he cares very deeply about. I guess it's a cook book."
5. "Riding bikes can cause impotence in men. We've been wearing the helmet on the wrong end."
6. "A hat worth $55,000 has been stolen from the set of the movie 'The Cat in the Hat.'" (Showed clip with the hat interposed on Winona Ryder.)
7. "The Catholic Church is outraged that a former church in Moscow has been turned into a brothel with the hookers dressed as nuns. Listen, they could have been Boy Scouts."
8. "VH1 has a show with people in jail making music. It's called 'Before They Were Rappers.'"
9. "Cher is anxious to become a grandmother. Why doesn't she just make a kid from her spare parts?"
10. "Madonna's new movie 'Swept Away' is an unlikely romance between two opposites. He can act ..."
11. "Action star Vin Diesel is said to have a huge crush on Anna Nicole Smith. It makes sense. His name is Diesel, and she's big as a truck."
12. "Scientists are now saying lemon juice can be used as a contraceptive. The woman just squirts it in the man's eyes."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The results are in from that nail-biter in Iraq. Saddam Hussein got 100% of the vote."
2. "Madonna's new movie 'Swept Away' did worse than any other major movie in the last eight years. It's so bad Kevin Costner has bought the rights to the sequel."
3. "Dell Computers may get rid of the Dell Dude in their ads — something even the Israelis and Palestinians can agree on."
4. "Two German zookeepers were arrested for killing and eating a sheep at a petting zoo. Actually, police were relieved that the man were just eating it."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "A study shows redheads have a lower threshold for pain than blondes or brunettes. No wonder you see so many sad clowns. Others say it couldn't be true, or Carrot Top would have been killed years ago by his own act. Also, redheads can stay under for a long time after surgery, while blondes wake up immediately to ask, 'How do my new implants look?'"
2. In five feet under news, a man in India has been buried up to his neck for a week as a tribute to the Goddess of Too Much Time on Your Hands. He said the only things he feared were kids playing soccer and lawnmowers."
3. "Bruce Willis has signed on for the fourth 'Die Hard' movie, in which he takes on his biggest enemy, the harmonica."

Jon Stewart:
1. "It's an all-California World Series — or as the rest of the country calls it, football season."

Tuesday, October 15, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "It's the all-California World Series, San Francisco vs. Anaheim, the fog vs. the smog. In San Francisco on Thursdays they won't know whether to watch the game or 'Will & Grace.' In other sports news the Cincinnati Bengals were beaten again at home yesterday — by their wives."
2. "In the Iraqi elections yesterday there were two boxes. You put your vote for Saddam in one box, or they put you in the other box."
3. "Due to a court ruling, sex toys are now legal in Alabama. The whole state is buzzing."
4. "The estate of Ann Landers is being auctioned off, including letters from then-President Jimmy Carter. 'Dear Ann Landers, I have two friends in the Middle East who seem to quarrel all the time.'"
5. "The Nobel Prizes have been announced, and Conan O'Brien did a great job hosting."
6. "Bill Clinton is seriously considering becoming the center square on 'Hollywood Squares.' Good luck to the contestants trying to decide whether he's lying or telling the truth."
7. "A German company is printing books on toilet paper so you can read them in the john. That's not very flattering to the authors. 'Your book was great. Gentle and absorbent too.' 'Can I have that book when you're done?'"
8. "A study shows that women laugh more than men. Sure, they're laughing at men."
9. "A poll of anesthesiologists shows that redheads are harder to knock out than blondes. Of course with blondes you just ask them a math question."
10. "There's a new book called 'How to Make Love Like a Porn Star.' Women already know how. You just fake it."
11. "What's the worst thing a woman can say to a man? 'My real name is Fred.'"
12. "What does Hannibal Lecter call a CNN host over noodles? Larry ala King. What happened to Hannibal after he ate the Pillsbury Doughboy? He got a yeast infection. Why was Hannibal kicked out of KFC? For licking other peoples' fingers. What did he say about Martha Stewart? She's toast. What does he like best about Domino's Pizza? The delivery boy."

David Letterman:
1. "'Entertainment Weekly' just named the hundred most powerful people in show business, and I'm number seventeen, right between Dr. Phil and Spongebob."
2. "Congratulations to Saddam Hussein, who won the election in Iraq. He's executed 53 of his relatives. Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to dislike this guy?"
3. "Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are having another baby. That means she'll be dealing with the drooling and slobbering and strained carrots for dinner, and then there's the new baby to deal with."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Geraldo Rivera was spotted in a Hooters signing the waitresses' rear ends. I guess they asked him, 'Would you autograph our Geraldos?'"
2. "Madonna's new movie 'Swept Away' took in only $375,000 its first weekend. The producers blamed it on strong word of mouth."
3. "Pilgrim's Pride recalled 13,000 tons of meat. It was the biggest recall of bad meat until someone cancels 'The Anna Nicole Show.'"
4. Guest Dave Chappelle: "At first I thought Enron was a brother I went to high school with." "You think Bush is bad. If we had a woman President we'd go to war every 28 days. Followed by a press conference: 'Sorry, everybody. I lost my head.'" "The only thing more suspicious than a black man running is a black man tippy-toeing." "I don't want to do a show where I interview people. No offense."

Craig Kilborn:
1. (On the Iraqi elections) "Why didn't we include term limits in the '91 cease fire?"
2. "In the wife-carrying contest the men had to wade through water, climb fences and figure out why their wives were crying."
3. "Geraldo Rivera was at a Hooters today signing the women's bottoms. I guess he needed a break from telling everyone what a serious journalist he is."

Jon Stewart:
1. "The Columbus Day Parade was held yesterday to commemorate an Italian man who completely misidentified an entire continent, while bringing the natives the priceless gift of smallpox."
2. "Iraq the Vote." (Elections in Iraq.)

Monday, October 14, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "It's Columbus Day. How can we say Columbus discovered America when there were people on shore greeting him? However, if it weren't for Columbus, today we wouldn't be able to get 50% off on linen."
2. "It was sort of a fair trade. We gave the Native Americans deadly diseases, and they gave us tobacco. We ought to celebrate Columbus Day in a way that honors both the Italians and the Native Americans — borrow money from a loan shark and then blow it in an Indian casino."
3. "Where'll the Anaheim players go if they win the World Series? They're already at Disneyland. They're so new at this that the fans are having to take lessons to learn how to riot."
4. "Bush is finally turning his attention to the economy. He's concerned about job loss — mainly his own. The stock market is so bad that Martha Stewart's case has been moved to small claims court."
5. "Bill Clinton's considering becoming the center square on 'Hollywood Squares.' How embarrassing is that, the same week Jimmy Carter wins the Nobel Peace Prize? Actually, Clinton would be good on 'Hollywood Squares.' 'To Tell the Truth' he might have a little trouble with."
6. "Japanese scientists have trained bacteria to build electronic circuitry. How embarrassing is that, to be told bacteria can do your job better than you can? I can see a disgruntled worker with a can of Lysol."
7. "A bomb was discovered in a movie theater here in L.A. this weekend. It was Madonna's new movie 'Swept Away.' The movie's so bad the theater manager was asking people to turn on their cell phones."
8. "They say Vin Diesel has the hots for Anna Nicole Smith. Well, her dress size is XXX."
9. "They're saying now that instead of condoms you should use lemon juice as a contraceptive. I don't even like to get lemon juice in my eye."
10. "'Red Dragon' is still number one at the box office, so we're required by law to make Hannibal Lecter jokes. What does Hannibal call Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin? Sweet and sour. Why won't he eat hookers? Trix are for kids. What does he call Hillary Clinton? Cold cuts. What's the difference between Hannibal Lecter and Jerry Falwell? The foot in Falwell's mouth is his own. Why won't Hannibal eat Keith Richards? Would you? What does Hannibal call Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown? The hash Browns."
11. "Barbra Streisand read a Shakespeare quote that turned out to be a fake. Other famous quotes weren't said by the person we think. 'Possession is 9/10 of the law.' That was Winona Ryder. 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' That was said by Liza Minnelli's new husband. 'Here's looking at you kid.' That was said by Father Stanley. 'Everybody must get stoned.' That was the Palestinians."
12. Headlines: "Woman found dead after fire was stabbed." Ad for hamburger, "97% fart free."

David Letterman:
1. "It's autumn in New York. Today in Central Park I saw a nut gathering squirrels."
2. "Did you watch 'The Jackie Gleason Story' here on CBS? The show portrayed him as a womanizing boozer who abused his writers. So?"
3. "It's Columbus Day, and Columbus would be so proud. Today right out on Broadway another guy from Spain discovered a parking place."
4. "Saddam Hussein has 24 palaces, and he won't meet guests until they've been sprayed with three chemicals. So?"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The CIA says Saddam Hussein is developing the biggest bomb in history — a movie starring both Steven Seagal and Madonna."
2. "A $50,000 hat was stolen from the set of 'The Cat in the Hat.' Would he trade it for some smack? Would he? Could he? How about some crack?"
3. "With all the excitement in baseball, this is definitely the best year in history for steroids."

Friday, October 11, Winner Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien:
1. "President Bush got his way. Congress gave him the power to attack Iraq. And Hillary Clinton voted with him. It's the first time Hillary has ever said yes to a U.S. President."
2. "We already have plans to transform Iraq into a democracy. And it it works there, we'll try it in Florida."
3. "In the new K-Mart ads, instead of lounging on a bed, Martha Stewart ties the sheets together and goes out the window."
4. "Ex-President Jimmy Carter has won the Nobel Peace Prize, including $1,000,000. He said, 'Thanks, suckers. This'll buy a lot of lap dances.'"

David Letterman:
1. "Mayor Bloomberg called a press conference today to discuss the noise problem in New York, but no one could hear a word he said. I was mugged at the ATM today, and I couldn't hear the guy. 'My money or my what?'"
2. "The New York Jets aren't even playing this weekend, and they're still 13-point underdogs."
3. "Hunting season, I'm not making this up, opens in New York City today. The rats are all wearing those orange vests."
4. "On ABC Barbara Walters got Fidel Castro to really open up about his marriage to Angelina Jolie."
5. "All these Navy guys were using their government credit cards for hookers. The Navy. It's not just a job. It's an adventure."
6. "Bill and Hillary celebrated their 25th anniversary tonight. Bill brought a date."

Jay Leno:
1. "Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 25th anniversary. It was 25 years ago tonight he first cheated on her."
2. "The Al Qaeda is said to be targeting our financial system next for destruction. We're way ahead of them on this one."
3. "Navy personnel were using government credit cards for prostitutes. Now the Navy can make love and war."
4. "Over a third of all Americans are obese. We're changing the national anthem to 'I Want My Baby Back, Baby Back ...' You know you're too fat if when you walk backwards you hear a beeping sound."
5. "Robert Blake was denied bail. He got so mad he went back to his cell and shot his prison wife."
6. "Tammy Faye Baker has joined PETA, the animal organization, and now, with all the makeup, all the little squirrels look like hookers."
7. "Glendale Community College, where the shaping of young minds never gets in the way of a good time."
8. "John Stamos and his wife had their first sex at Disneyland. I don't remember that ride. How long is the line for that one?"
9. "About that L.A. gynecologist who was arrested for groping women on a bus, the women all knew he was a real gynecologist because his hands were very very cold."
10. "Last night I told you about dairy farmers giving their cows udder implants to make them more attractive to potential buyers. It works too well. Today one cow with big udders lured an 89-year-old billionaire into marrying her."
11. "Was that man who tried to smuggle two monkeys in the crotch of his pants really smart? Don't monkeys eat bananas?"
12. "What's Hannibal Lecter's favorite Pepperidge Farm cookie? Alisa Milano. What does Hannibal call Barry Bonds? A grand slam breakfast. Hannibal got a brain freeze from trying to eat Ted Williams too fast. He won't eat Bill Gates. Too rich. What does he call Saddam Hussein? Dead meat."

(Craig Kilborn skipped "In the News" tonight.)

Thursday, October 10, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "Subway fares are going up 50 cents. Of course for that you get a lap dance."
2. (Dave listed all the amenities of Saddam Hussein's 24 palaces.) "They're all modeled on the New Jersey home of Bob Terricelli."
3. "Robert Blake has been denied bail. Now he has to wait for 12 dumb jurors to set him free."
4. "On a Thailand to L.A. flight a man tried to smuggle live monkeys in his pants. It's bad when you have to fight your pants over salted peanuts. But all hell broke loose when the monkeys tried to peel him."
5. (Dave has been trying to get Indianapolis to name a freeway bypass after him, in honor of his heart bypass. Rand McNally sent over a map with his name shown on the freeway.)

Jay Leno:
1. "Over a third of Americans are grossly overweight, but our kids are the best darn video game players in the world! We may have to invade Iraq just because we need the space."
2. "The House and Senate have approved war with Iraq. Now we just need the approval of Barbra Streisand and Harry Belafonte. The war will be called Operation Reelection."
3. "Robert Blake was denied bail. He said he's no danger. He's not going to kill her again. He said they never actually dated. He'd meet her for dinner, and then they'd have sex in the car. Most guys would call that the perfect date."
4. "Dairymen are giving their cows udder transplants to make them more attractive to potential buyers. I think anyone who's attracted shouldn't be allowed to buy a cow."
5. "Another teacher gave birth to a baby fathered by a student. I feel sorry for the poor substitute teacher. 'Mrs. Harrington lets us have sex with her.'"
6. "Last night we had the two guys from 'Puppetry of the Penis.' They do origami on the region down there. Now that's what I call a real magic johnson." (And the real Magic Johnson strolled out.)
7. "Have you watched that show 'The Bachelor?' Or as I call it, 'Eight Simple Rules for Dating a Hooker.'"
8. "This Christmas the most popular toys will be anything Harry Potter, and the least popular will be the Hannibal Lecter Easy Bake Oven. What happened to Hannibal after he ate Carl Lewis? He got the runs. What does he call Janet Reno on a bun? A manwich. Why won't he eat Joan Collins? She's past her expiration date. Why won't he eat Britney Spears? He doesn't like artificial topping. Why not Jerry Seinfeld? He tastes funny. What does he call Heidi Fleiss's girls? A bottomless bucket of crabs."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "There's something in the air tonight, and I think it's asbestos."
2. "Barbara Walters is going to interview Fidel Castro. They'll talk about what it's like to rule so long all your contemporaries are retired or dead. Then they'll talk about Castro."
3. "'Entertainment Weekly' lists the 100 most powerful people in Hollywood. Number one is the guy who helps Anna Nicole Smith squeeze into her bra."
4. "Airport security caught a guy trying to smuggle two live monkeys in his pants. They only caught him because one of the monkeys had packed nail clippers."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "One in three Americans are obese. One in three is actually two in three. Kids are so fat their hip hop jeans actually fit."
2. "Italian-Americans are upset that New York Mayor Bloomberg has invited cast members from 'The Sopranos' to march in the Columbus Day Parade. Protesters say the Columbus Day Parade is not meant to celebrate violence. That's what the St. Patrick's Day Parade is for."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Don't Gas, Don't Tell:" (In the 60's the U.S. Navy tested nerve gas on civilians in Hawaii, Alaska, Florida and Puerto Rico.) "The Navy delivered nerve gas by Carnival Cruise Line."

Wednesday, October 9, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "The subway fare just went up 50 cents, but for that you get the full-body massage and the aromatherapy. One bad thing, though. This morning I pulled a hamstring jumping over the turnstile."
2. "Harrison Ford proposed to Calista Flockhart and then slipped the ring around her waist."
3. "A new book about Michael Jackson says he pays women to marry him, gave his monkey a credit card and practices voodoo in the back yard. Then it gets weird."
4. "A man flying out of Thailand was arrested for smuggling monkeys in his pants. For one fleeting moment a flight attendant thought he'd found Mr. Right."

Jay Leno:
1. "Bush got the ports open again. The closure was costing $2 billion a day — about what the Bush Administration is costing us."
2. "In Illinois a man running a charity was arrested as a suspected terrorist. Maybe he shouldn't have called it The Make-a-Bomb Foundation."
3. "Navy personnel are in trouble for using government credit cards for prostitutes and jewelry. How dumb are these guys? You don't give hookers jewelry."
4. "Robert Blake has been denied bail, but he says his heart is clean. Of course his car's a mess."
5. "A third of Americans are obese. Sara Lee is kicking Jennie Craig's butt. In what other country would Anna Nicole Smith be a supermodel?"
6. "Students at Northwest University are getting free laundry. We had to take it home for Mom to do."
7. "An L.A. gynecologist was arrested for groping women on a bus. You shouldn't take your work home with you."
8. "For Christmas this year you can get an electronic cat that mimics a real cat. What? Ignores you and goes to sleep?"
9. "We're not being shown in Salt Lake tonight, because we have the two guys from 'Puppetry of the Penis.' In San Francisco we're being simulcast on all five stations."
10. "What does Hannibal Lecter call a supermodel from Wisconsin? A quarter-pounder with cheese. A van of senior citizens? Meals on wheels. Robert Blake? Killer shrimp. Meat Loaf? Meat loaf. Why did he eat Michael Jackson? Because the kitchen was out of Diana Ross. What did he say when he ate Peewee Herman? Hold the pickle. What did he call the guys from 'Puppetry of the Penis?' Weiner schnitzel."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Bush says that the Republicans are going to go after Latino voters. And then Hispanics."
2. "About two-thirds of Americans are overweight. Luckily, the other third are chubby chasers."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "On the 100th anniversary of Kitty Hawk a man recreated the Wright Brothers' flight. He earned 2/10 of a frequent flier mile, and he still had to change in Atlanta."
2. "There's a new adult theme amusement park in Anaheim. What guy wants to take off his pants and hear, 'It's a small world after all?'"

Jon Stewart:
1. "The West Coast dock strike has already cost $10 billion, the same as 3-1/2 minutes of war with Iraq."

Tuesday, October 8, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn:
1. "During President Bush's speech last night the audience was so quiet you could hear the stock market drop."
2. "The launch of the space shuttle Atlantis was delayed yesterday while they pried Lance Bass off the door. The shuttle will beam back images of where Iraq used to be."

David Letterman:
1. "It's autumn, when New Yorkers change their bumper stickers from 'Mets Suck' to 'Jets Suck.'"
2. "They're raising the subway fare fifty cents, but for that you get a continental breakfast and sex with a stranger."
3. "Saddam Hussein has 24 palaces. They're combination luxury resorts, torture chambers and weapons factories, but most people go just to play the slots."
4. "An Italian porn actress says she'll have sex with Saddam in exchange for world peace. Her offer was accepted by former President Bill Clinton."

Jay Leno:
1. "No major network except Fox gave the President air time for his speech last night. NBC said he'd have to eat ringworms on 'Fear Factor.' And Fox ran it as 'When Presidents Attack.'"
2. "In his speech Bush said we can't afford to wait for final proof. Sort of the same way he handled the election returns in Florida."
3. "Supposedly, in case of biological attack, all Americans can be immunized in three days — unless they're in an HMO."
4. "Terry Bradshaw is going to be on the show tonight plugging his second book. He's one of the few people who's written more books than he's read."
5. "Jesse Jackson turns 61 today. If you want to get him a gift, a vasectomy would be a good idea. It's the gift that stops giving."
6. "I want to warn the men in the audience not to get a flu shot too early. You don't want premature inoculation."
7. "Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial has been postponed. She didn't have a thing to wear that wasn't evidence."
8. "There's a new breed of tiger with no claws or teeth. It's a Cincinnati Bengal tiger."
9. "Another teacher has given birth to a child fathered by a student. So now schools are stocking the Homeroom Pregnancy Test."
10. "You know what Hannibal Lecter says: 'Keep the grill and give me George Foreman.' Hannibal calls Anna Nicole Smith an extra extra value meal. Do you know what he calls three Clinton girlfriends in a hot tub? Chunky soup. What does he call Whitney Houston with a scoop of ice cream? A Coke float. Jehovah's Witnesses? Free delivery. What does he call Michael Jackson? The other white meat."
11. Arsenio Hall interviewed audience members after the play "Puppetry of the Penis." He asked, "Were there any Chinese guys in the show?"
12. Jay asked Terry Bradshaw, "What's your book about?" Terry answered, "Actually, I haven't read it yet."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "In New York the Museum of Sex had its grand opening. Women were in there for hours, but men were in and out in a few minutes."
2. "Snoop Dogg has quit smoking marijuana — after he saw what it did to the Mets."
3. "Time, Inc. is shutting down 'Mutual Funds Magazine,' but it's starting a new one, 'CEO Prison Bitches.'"

Jon Stewart:
1. "Bush says that Iraq gathers all the worst dangers in one place. It's sort of the Wal-Mart of evil."
2. "Allah Young Dudes:" (Story of Koran studies at U. of North Carolina.)
3. Frank DeCaro on "Red Dragon:" "As Hannibal Lecter Anthony Hopkins eats up the scenery and the cast."

Monday, October 7, Winner Jay Leno

David Letterman:
1. "Dinner for two: $100. Hansom cab ride in Central Park: $40. Yankees World Series tickets: worthless."
2. "Since the Yankees lost, Mayor Bloomberg had to send the Mayor of Anaheim a kilo of killer weed."
3. "Today in the middle of my ride to work my cab driver got called up as a Saddam Hussein look-alike."
4. "Mother Teresa needs one more miracle to be declared a saint. How about a win for the Jets?"

Jay Leno:
1. "George Steinbrenner is out. Onc dictator down; one to go."
2. "President Bush was in Cincinnati today to declare Bengal Stadium a federal disaster area."
3. "Winona Ryder's trial starts today. She could get up to four years. Martha Stewart said, 'I'll take that deal!'"
4. "Al Gore isn't wearing his wedding ring, but it's just because he's too fat to get it on. He's one of the few candidates whose reputation would be helped by having an affair. Al's gotten so big his Secret Service code name is 'Anna Nicole.'"
5. "Campbell's had to recall one day's production, because the wrong kind of soup was put in the cans. That should have been caught by the soupervisor."
6. "Hugh Hefner wants more articles and fewer pictures of naked women. Hugh Hefner's gone gay! If they got him, they can get anybody."
7. "Val Kilmer is going to play the part of porn star John Holmes. It's a remake of 'The Longest Yard.'"
8. "You know why Hannibal Lecter won't eat kids from Beverly Hills? Because they're spoiled. He ate Jackie Chan, because he felt like a little Chinese. You know what he calls safe sex? Using a condiment. What's he call putting David Spade on the grill? Throwing a little shrimp on the barbie. What does he call Richard Simmons? A way too happy meal."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Barbara Walters is going to interview Fidel Castro. If you watch, you have to down a shot every time she says 'Castwoh.'"
2. "Regis and Kelly are said to be fighting. It must be true. He sent Kelly a 9-hour singing telegram from Kathie Lee."
3. "Most people in Anaheim have been baseball fans for almost a week now."

Jon Stewart:
1, "Cough it Up:" (Story about a woman with lung cancer being awarded $28 billion from Philip Morris.)
2. "D'ow!" (Stock market woes) "Half the people surveyed fear someone in their household will be out of work within a year, and half of that half hope it's one of the other people in their household."

Friday, October 4, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Al Gore's gotten so fat he can't get his wedding ring on. He tried butter, oil, Crisco ... I'm sorry. That's what he had for lunch. Gore wants to attract voters with his gravitational pull."
2. "One of Iraq's cabinet ministers suggested Bush and Hussein duel with pistols. Bush is from Texas. He'd like that. A game of Scrabble is what would scare him."
3. "John Walker Lindh may be gay. Right. In Afghanistan he's Islamic. In prison he's gay."
4. "Did you hear about the arrests in Portland? And for the first time Tonya Harding isn't involved. Six suspected Al Qaeda members were caught, and, amazingly, all six have agreed to testify — against Martha Stewart."
5. "Now the Pillsbury Doughboy is accusing Martha Stewart of inappropriately fondling his donuts."
6. "Have you seen the new movie 'Red Dragon?' Hannibal Lecter almost chokes on Jared from the Subway ads. Hannibal prepares Saddam Hussein as Iraq of lamb. He eats Nick Nolte as a three-martini lunch. His favorite Ben & Jerry flavors? Ben and Jerry."
7. "A study shows that children who snore get lower grades — especially if they do it in class."
8. "A huge shipment of the drug Special K has been seized. It's so strong you'd have to eat twelve bowls of Ecstasy."
9. "Anna Nicole Smith is trying a dating service. Given her taste in men, it must be a carbon dating service. The first guy took her out for dinner, dinner, dinner and a movie."
10. "They say Viagra is good for mountain climbers. If you fall in the snow they can find you."

David Letterman:
1. "The Mayors have a bet. If the Yankees win, we get California oranges. If the Angels win, they get sex for two at St. Patrick's Cathedral."
2. "They say John Walker Lindh is gay. He was the only Al Qaeda member who said, 'I can't go out dressed like this.'"
3. "There's a suggestion Bush and Hussein should settle the dispute with a duel. The White House suggests sudden-death t-ball. Bush wouldn't mind a duel. He just doesn't want a debate."
4. "Al Gore has gained so much weight he can't get his wedding ring on. Bill Clinton had a similar problem. He couldn't fit into a flight attendant."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "Brian Dunkleman, one of the hosts of 'American Idol' won't return next year. He says he's pursuing other tv opportunities — installing cable."
2. "Adam Ant was found guilty of hitting a man in a bar fight. It was his first hit since 1986."
3. "A porn star collected $500,000 for being in a car accident. She said, 'Getting rear ended has impaired my ability to get rear ended.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Fat Albert news: Al Gore is so fat he can't get his wedding ring on. They knew he had a problem when he's kiss babies and give them back covered with barbecue sauce. Unlike Bill Clinton, Gore just wants to get into his own pants."
2. "Mick Jagger was on '60 Minutes,' and now Leslie Stahl is pregnant."

Thursday, October 3, Winner David Letterman

David Letterman:
1. "It's so noisy in New York you can't hear yourself scream."
2. "Al Gore has gotten so fat he can't wear his wedding ring. Isn't that an old Clinton trick?"

Jay Leno:
1. "The Angels beat the Yankees last night, but their pitcher hurt his middle in finger. In New York he's really in trouble — can't even go outside."
2. "Bill Clinton in England said we're headed for war. Bill Clinton being in England indicates we're headed for war. That's where he goes."
3. "The Administration has now asked Congress for permission to use force against Barbra Streisand."
4. "It looks like the American Taliban kid may be gay, so his lawyer is already using that in his defense. He says the kid joined Al Qaeda thinking it was Ikea."
5. "Al Gore thinks the economy is in trouble. That's because he hasn't had a job in two years. He's appearing without his wedding ring. I think there's another woman — Sara Lee. No, he can't wear his wedding ring because he's gotten too fat. He's now wearing an onion ring. He's so fat Bill Clinton hit on him."
6. "L.A. has chosen a minority guy to be the new Police Chief — a white guy."
7. "Martha Stewart got a hot tip from her broker today. 'Run!'"
8. "There was a live alligator at a Florida miniature golf course today. Those courses are just getting too tough."
9. "Did you see all that pot they've confiscated in National Forests lately? Obviously, Smoky the Bear smokes pot. People tell him to do his job, and he says, 'Hey, only you can prevent forest fires.'"
10. "Three people were caught having sex on the Long Island Railroad. The train missed three stations, because the engineer heard someone shouting, 'Don't stop! Don't stop!' The three people maybe were confused by the conductor yelling, 'All aboard!'"
11. "Scientists say Viagra is good for mountain climbers. Actually, it's good for mounting climbers."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "A British magazine is paying $500,000 for photos of Kate Moss' new baby — holding Kate Moss."
2. "A new movie opens this weekend starring Mick Jagger as a pimp. He says he has no problem with prostitution. Next to being a Rolling Stone, it's the world's oldest profession."
3. "Hugh Hefner says he wants to bring 'Playboy' into the new millennium by concentrating more on the articles and less on sex. Hugh Hefner is senile."

Craig Kilborn:
1. "The Kabul Zoo has two new lions, which are gifts from China. China sent them because it turns out ground-up lion livers don't help men get erections."
2. "Remember, slow and steady wins the race, unless you're up against fast and steady."
3. "The founder of 'TV Guide' has died. If you missed the funeral, don't worry. It'll be rurun Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Schadenfraud: An Enron executive was brought into court handcuffed today. Will he pay his debt to society, or will he transfer his debt to an offshore account?"
2. "Rolling Stoned: Randy Moss of the Minnesota Vikings was in trouble for dragging a meter maid fifty feet with his car, but then officers found a joint in his glove compartment. He said it was probably left by an acquaintance — who was in the car selling him pot."

Wednesday, October 2, Winner Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
1. "Martha Stewart's stockbroker's assistant is going to testify against her. She may have sent a coded message to him on her show today when she demonstrated how a canary with a broken neck can't sing."
2. "An Enron exec was led off to prison in handcuffs today. He's used to all the perks, and now he is one of the perks."
3. "In the Iraqi elections Saddam Hussein is the only name on the ballot. 'With one vote in, we predict ...' Hussein is said to have up to three doubles. President Bush said, 'That's six, isn't it?'"
4. "We have smart bombs that can find Iraq and geography students who can't."
5. "That Pakistani businessman says he was not the gay lover of John Walker Lindh. He says it was a mentor relationship, like a priest and an altar boy. OK, bad example. I guess that was one terrorist school that had a drama department. It's something that the Taliban has gays and the Boy Scouts don't. Here's a kid who's a traitor and a terrorist, and what are we interested in? 'I think he's gay.'"
6. "California Governor Gray Davis has vetoed a bill to let illegal aliens get drivers licenses. They drive 15 to a van. They're the only people who'll car pool, and we won't let them drive."
7. "Mother Teresa is just one miracle away from being declared a saint. They're trying to give her credit for the Detroit Lions winning a game over the weekend."
8. "Elizabeth Taylor auctioned some jewels off for charity — an emerald from Richard Burton, diamonds from Mike Todd and a beer-tab necklace from her last husband, Larry Fortensky."
9. "Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss has written a new book. It's based on Dickens. it's called 'Selling Tail in Two Cities.'"
10. "John Edwards, the 'Crossing Over' guy, says that after you die you're surrounded by your relatives. Does that mean you're going to hell? Twice a year is too much."
11. "'Playboy' says that 2,100 men a year strangle themselves while masturbating. Now, whose fault is that? These days you can't even have safe sex with yourself. And it just goes to show that the right hand really doesn't know what the left hand is doing."

David Letterman:
1. "Congratulations to model Kate Moss. She just had a baby girl — 8 pounds, 2 ounces, just like her mother."
2. "Bob Torricelli is pulling out of the Senate race, because he has no chance of winning. He plans to move to Florida, where he might win by accident."
3. "The Mets fired their manager, and I think he was mad about it. He called a press conference to announce Mike Piazza is gay."
4. "There's talk that John Walker Lindh may be gay. The Taliban should have known when he enrolled in flight attendant school."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "CNN has instructed its staffers to use hip hop and rap terms on the air. So now 'Lou Dobbs Money Line' is 'Lou Dobbs Bling Bling.'"
2. "Barry Manilow sang at a Democratic fundraiser, and the Republicans raised #10,000,000."
3. "The founder of 'TV Guide' has died at 94. The magazine cheered his funeral for the celebrity cameos, but jeered it for being dull and predictable."
4. "Liza Minnelli and her husband are adopting three more children, 'because we want to make as many people miserable as possible.'"
5. "Britney Spears used to date a guy from 'NSync, and now it's a Backstreet Boy. She says, 'Hey, everybody has a type, and mine's gay men.'"

Craig Kilborn:
1. "Louisiana is bracing for Hurricane Lili. Luckily, business is so bad that many stores are already boarded up. Over the weekend I was hit by Hurricane Witherspoon."

Jon Stewart:
1. "Jurassic Dork:" (Story about the finding of a bucktoothed dinosaur.) "We know the other dinosaurs considered it a nerd by the fact that the remains were found stuffed into a fossilized locker."

Tuesday, October 1, Winner Craig Kilborn

Craig Kilborn:
1. "There's a new video game where you try to take out Saddam Hussein. Actually, you almost win and then come back and do the same thing all over ten years later."

David Letterman:
1. "Tickets to Yankee Stadium, $80. Burger and fries, $12. Taking a leak on the Angels' bullpen, priceless."
2. "The founder of 'TV Guide' has died at 94. Next week he'll receive a jeer in their 'Cheers and Jeers' section."
3. "Senator Terricelli is dropping out of his reelection race because he's running a distant second. You don't see me doing that."

Jay Leno:
1. "They say the American Taliban kid is gay. When they caught him he was bearded, filthy and living in a cave. That doesn't sound like any gay guys I know. A gay terrorist — that's Ashcroft's worst nightmare. The Pakistani businessman who claims he was the kid's lover is named Salami bin Hidin."
2. "Iraqi elections are Oct. 15, and Saddam Hussein's name is the only one on the ballot. If this were Florida, they'd still screw it up."
3. "Saddam Hussein's eldest son has a torture chamber where he tortures losing athletes. Bobby Knight went, 'Why didn't I think of that?'"
4. "The stock market skyrocketed 300 points today. Fears of war with Iraq were calmed because Barbra Streisand has stepped in."
5. "Senator Torricelli has been forced to drop out of the race. He complains he gave the people the best 20 years of his life. And that's what he should get, 20 years to life."
6. "Did you watch 'Celebrity Boot Camp?' it's not a real boot camp, but then they're not real celebrities. They're just getting in shape for 'Celebrity Boxing.'"
7. "There are now two shows on tv where they talk to the dead. Three, if you count '60 Minutes.'"
8. "Hollywood parents are now paying $350 an hour for a woman to interpret their babies cries. The babies are crying because they know their parents are idiots."
9. "They're doing a sequel to 'Easy Rider.' It's titled 'Easy Chair.' It has Dennis Hopper on a Rascal Scooter."
10. "In a poll 53% of married men regretted having had one-night stands. The other 47% didn't get caught."

Conan O'Brien:
1. "The most popular Halloween mask this year is going to be Martha Stewart. The kids will throw eggs benedict at your house."
2. "The opening of New York's Museum of Sex has been delayed. The Museum of Foreplay has to open first."
3. "A female employee is suing Weight Watchers for sexual harassment. Her boss could lose up to $1,000,000 in less than 30 days."
4. "A new study shows their no link between shoe size and penis size. The study was conducted by Dr. Arthur Tinyfeet."

Table of Contents / September '02 / November '02 /Herb Caen's Strangest Items / Strange Media Mentions / E-mail